


Starfire

by 10BlackRoses



Category: The Rasmus, formula 1 - Fandom, james hunt - fandom, kimi raikkonen - Fandom, niki lauda - fandom
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-27
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-01-17 04:09:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 157
Words: 279,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1373437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10BlackRoses/pseuds/10BlackRoses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niki and James embark on a life altering journey as adoptive parents of wild child/complex/cold/level headed Finn Kimi Raikkonen.</p><p>Launt family AU .</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kimi. Kimi Raikkonen.

**Author's Note:**

> the Launt family AU, as imagined by me :)

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-07-30at203612.png.html)

The 70’s were a radicle time. Things where changing , but for James and Niki there private life was about to become very public. There secret relationship exposed. They where adopting a child together.

 

Niki was reluctant, he needed convincing. James however could never bear the thought of not being a dad. He had fought to get Niki, the hardest battle of his life. Niki was well aware that James had stayed with him through every moment. There rivalry turned turning to friendship and evolving into lovers. After nikis near fatal crash at nurburgring , where James came so perilously close to loosing him.

 

Now here they where, there last social work meeting before being approved to adopt. Niki was nervous rubbing his sweaty palms against his jeans. He had been assessed for his psychological state, after the accident, James felt a pang of guilt for putting Niki through such scrutiny. But finally it was all worth it. They had approval. They would become parents.

 

The two visit orphanages in England and Germany. James ,naturally gravitating towards the children, playing with them and engaging them. Niki held off unsure and uncomfortable. He doubted his ability to raise a child. Seeing himself as cold, stand of ish and unaffectionate. He was only doing this for James. Or so he thought.

 

After a number of failed meetings, where James seemed to bond with the child instantly and Niki didn’t. They almost gave up. James feeling maybe he had asked too much of Niki to soon after his accident.

 

Eventually after so many failed attempts ,They took a long vacation to Scandinavia. Upon a visit with good friends mika hakkinen and Keke rosberg they heard the story of a young boy, a boy who captured nikis imagination instantly.

 

Mika began in his heavy finish accent

 

“The mutter wash out a night but it wash very very cold and the fadder couldn’t find her, but she gave birth alone and she managed to keep the baby warm, she died of course because of the temperature and the fadder got lost and they found hish body too later. The baby ish with some family friends but he will be put up for adoption. It wash on news , its very sad time here for us. Things like this don’t happen a lot”

 

keke added, in much better English “ya the baby was ok remarkably . We call him ‘the little ice man’. He is very quite though doesn’t cry or make noise and he  just stares like hes looking into your soul , he has these green blue eyes and white tufts of hair . A beautiful little thing. A true finish boy. Like my nico. Its such a shame . We wish him luck and strength to find a family”

 

keke looked knowingly at mika. James seemed to notice and immediately was onto them. Why else would they bring something like this up? They knew James and Niki where adopting. James also noted the hidden context within the conversation, they wanted James and Niki to take an interest in this child for one reason or another . It was almost like they knew something Niki and James didn’t. Something about it felt off to James , then it hit him. His brother’s friend matte Raikkonen had been reported dead in Finland. James froze.

 

“Wait…its mattes son? Isn’t it? Matte Raikkonen my brothers friend from school?” keke nodded and Niki looked between the three not quite catching onto what was happening around him.

 

Eventually keke and mika along with James filled Niki in on what was going on. And both James and Niki where whisked up into the mountains to a luxurious finish wooden roofed mansion where the baby was being kept, until someone came to collect him from the orphanage.

 

James and Niki sat in the lounge as a young finnish women presented them with cups of English tea and conversed with mika and keke in finnish who where explaining James and nikis situation. She left momentarily and returned with a small bundle in her arms Niki stood instinctively James jumped at the sudden movement. She approached first and Niki peered down at the small baby boy in her arms.

 

Blue eyes stared up at him above a tiny button nose and a sweet bow mouth. It may have been well below freezing outside but , nikis heart was melting. _This is our son._ He found himself thinking.

 

Suddenly James was behind him gazing over his shoulder . The baby’s eyes darted momentarily to James then fell back on Niki. Niki looked at James and there was an instant understanding between them. James nodded and looked over at keke and mika who where smiling knowingly.

 

“What do we do? Who do we contact?”

 

mika smiled “she is holding him. That’s the adoption regulator. We said you’d come. I think shes happeh wif you! Don’t be mad. We thinks that Niki was going to love him and we wash right!” nikis mouth fell open in disbelief. James face must have been a picture because keke couldn’t stifle his laughter.

 

A soft gurgle could be heard and nikis attention was back on the bundle in the women’s arms. The little boy was goooo-ing to himself his tiny hands in his mouth. Niki met the women’s eyes and she leaned foreword practically forcing the baby into his arms. Niki was awkward, and didn’t quite know how he was supposed to hold a baby .

 

It felt strange and yet wonderful having this weight in his arms. Another tiny person, so fragile relying totally on trust that Niki wouldn’t hurt or drop him. James watched cautiously as nikis cold well placed mask slipped away and his eyes filled with unshed tears. Slowly he turned to James , James smiled adoringly at him.

 

“This is our son” was all Niki said. James beamed. There was no greater feeling in the world than gazing at the love of his life holding a child, soon to be there child.

 

James wrapped his arms around them both. And as they had to leave for the night, and leave there little son behind Niki felt his heart sinking. They couldn’t take the baby until they went through all the legal procedures, by which point they where informed the boy would be near a year old.

 

Niki could not bear to miss a whole year of the child’s life and so James and himself took mika and keke up on their very generous offer to stay in Finland. The adoption co coordinator, veronica. Agreed they could, spend time with the baby as much as they liked but, only under supervision and they wouldn’t be able to take him anywhere alone.

 

That night Niki lay awake as James snored softly beside him. So many things rushed through his mind. Eventually exhausted he had somehow drifted off and he dreamed of a tall young man, blonde spikey hair standing in a blood red racing suit with the familiar black horse on a yellow background sown into it. The youth was holding up a trophy and grinning then Niki heard a voice in his dream. It was James, he was crying out

 

“Well done kimi!! Well done my son!!”

 

Niki shot up in bed startling James awake.

 

“Niki?” James murmured, still half asleep. His blonde hair a mess atop his head.

 

“Niki , what’s the matter?”

 

“James, I saw him.”

 

“Who?” James said rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

 

“Kimi….” Niki whispered.

 

“..Who?” jams repeated now fully awake and looking at Niki concerned.

 

“Our son James. Kimi”

 

James looked up at Niki and was silent for a long moment before repeating the name.

 

“Kimi… kimi Raikkonen”


	2. The iceman and the little Prince

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi grows with each passing month. and niki notices a certain affection between his and james son and the kind little nico rosberg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isa = finnish for dad or daddy

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter2.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter2-1.png.html)

The year passed. Every waking hour they could they spent with Kimi. At night they’d put him in his cradle kiss him leave and come back before he woke. He never ever knew they left at night. Niki spend the evening nursing the tiny baby by the fire with James knelt by his side, they would gaze down at the little swaddled bundle eyes closed breathing softly. Perfect little lips and fingers and toes. Soft skin and that new baby smell.

 

They couldn’t officially name Kimi and nothing had yet been signed but to them he was Kimi Hunt Lauda James nikolaus Raikonnen, a mouth full keke had commented, but all involved including the adoption agency workers approved. Kimi grew strong healthy and from what they could tell, happy. He was a quite child but adventurous and had no sense of fear. More often than not Nikis heart was on his mouth and James would laugh and say, “Leave him! He’s fine! Boys will be boys!”.

 

At barely 14 months Kimi was walking soon after he was running. His long wispy blonde hair would blow in the brisk winds. The little bundle would trudge and storm through the heavy snow laughing and giggling his frost kissed cheeks shone red under his bright blue eyes. And when he was hurt or to cold or to warm he would run to Niki grab his leg and look up at him and that gaze could melt even Nikis heart. James was of course the fun parent, the treat giver and the one who paid no attention to routine or bed times. Niki found he was the one playing ‘mum’. He had been the one changing, feeding bathing and clothing Kimi. James would try yes, but he always did something wrong and Niki would sigh and take over. James was better at the fun stuff this was fine by Niki.

 

Soon Kimi wasn’t a baby anymore but a lively toddler. And on a crisp winter morning in September a thick brown envelope arrived. Kimi was asleep in Nikis arms. Niki was breathing in the sent of his hair rubbing his back in slow circles softly humming to him. James burst in in tears waving the envelope and screaming.

 

“We did it Niki! God we did it! Kimis our baby! He’s our son! It’s all-legal! We are both dads Niki! Both of us!! Together!!”

 

Kimi woke with a start and started wailing still tired an not at all amused at being woken p by a screaming Englishman! Niki stood and cradled him shaking him to calm him James wrapped them both in his arms he kissed them both and kimi smiled.

 

As soon as Kimi could talk James became “Isa James and Niki was Isa Niki”, Isa of course meaning ‘dad’ or ‘daddy’ in Finnish.  The two travelled with Kimi but where in agreement they would as much as possible raise him in Finland. The land of his birth and his ancestors. Kimi would be a fin and both James and Niki where adament kimi would take pride in that. James not terribly patriotic knew how much country meant to Niki. Niki was a proud Austrian and he would instill this pride in their son.

 

Predominantly kimi spoke Finnish, which Niki learned with ease it took James some time but he gave up as soon as kimi started comprehending English. The remarkable little boy also picked up Nikis Austrian German which frustrated James because their son could have conversation with Niki and James had no idea what was said. Eventually English was made the main language of the household. At five kimi was fluent enough in all three dialects to be able to handle the amount of conversations going on in his family.

 

He was a child of few words and very blunt James observed him to be more and more like Niki. Where as Niki would argue his reckless nature and disregard for rules had come from James.

 

They where settled in there gum in Finland and keke would stop by with his son Nico born just a few days after kimi. The two boys where stark contrasts to each other but kimi had made a real attachment to Nico the babies played and fought all under the watchful gaze of there fathers.

 

Nico trudged around the yard not as steady on his feet as kimi James Alsatian ran for Nico and knocked him to the ground he fell face first into the snow. There was moment of silence before his wailing cries filled the yard and kimi ran to him.

 

“Nico!!! Bad dog! Bad bad dog!!” kimi yelled kicking out his tiny foot at the huge beast. Nico sobbed his tiny hand frozen and grazed he has cut his face and lip to. Keke ran towards the boys followed by James who seized the dog.

 

“I’m sorry keke he’s just a puppy he’s clumsy he didn’t mean it” keke waved his hand dismissively he lifted Nico back onto his feet and knelt talking to him in Finnish. Kimi stood next to his friend and rubbed his back in circles.

 

“Whatchya doin there kimster?” James asked slightly amused.

 

“Isa Niki does it when I fell down.” Nicos sobs stopped and he wiped his eyes. He turned smiled and threw his little arms around kimi

 

“Kimi!!!” he yelped happily and they both giggled. Keke smiled at James. Niki rushed out and upon seeing the boys jumping and hugging he laughed and went back inside. Keke and James departed also and left Nico and kimi to play.

 

Inside James watched Niki gaze out the large bay windows watching the boys then Niki gasped and James jumped up to stand beside him.

 

Little Nico was leaning towards baby kimi who was standing stalk still and he planted a little kiss on kimis frozen lips. James grinned like a Cheshire cat Niki looked concerned.

 

“ow no…”

 

“What? You never seen babies kiss? Ow come on Niki! My mum has pictures of my sister kissing me! And my brother!”

Niki looked at him sternly.

 

“They are not brothers! Nico obviously saw us kissing…. keke will kill us!”

 

“Why will keke kill you?” Niki froze keke was beside them and he had his eyes fixed on the boys who where now playing boisterously again.

 

James continues grinning.

 

“Niki and me saw little Nico plant one on kimster. I was just telling Niki here its normal and very cute!”

 

Niki looked practically murderous. Keke thought it over for a moment before speaking.

 

“Nico asked me why you two where kissing and why kimi didn’t have a mommy. I did explain as best I could. And I also said its ok for boys to kiss boys…I may not have explained it all that well! But James is right there babies! Nico n kimi will be lady killers I have no doubt!”

 

“Here! Here!” James added proudly before looking rather sheepish as Niki glared at him.

 

Before the conversation could continue two little blonde bundles of trouble stormed the house with yells of “we are hungry!”. Niki lifted kimi and kissed him al over to which kimi attempted to pull away. Nico laughed and clung to Nikis leg with one hand making a grabbing motion with the other. His English was bad but Niki could make out “me! Me!” he looked at keke.

 

“Nico wants cuddles to uncle Niki!” Niki shifted kimi to one hip and lifted Nico with the other arm. Nico was lighter than kimi had much longer whisper blonde hair and a smaller more feminine face. Niki kissed his chubby cheeks and the Nico grinned kimi pushed Nico away and made a face.

 

“No! Mine!” he squawked.

 

“Hey, hey” Niki chided “ of course I’m yours, little Nico wants kisses to. It’s not nice to leave people out. You have to share”

 

“No! My Isa’s my James and Niki! I don’t want share!!!” Niki couldn’t help grinning.

 

“We love you very much. You don’t have to ever share us. But Nico can get cuddles sometimes? You like Nico; he’s your friend. You don’t want him to be sad?” kimi looked from Niki to Nico who was sucking his thumb and falling asleep against Nikis shoulder.

 

“Nico can have cuddles….” Kimi replied “sometimes!” James laughed.

 

“Looks like you have the knack with them Niki.” Keke added

“Well I have my arms full. Lunch is on you guys!”


	3. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi is a smart toddler. Much smarter than his silence would portray. James decides to give there contemplative son a lesson in 'family' and what it means, right before a potential tragedy hits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isa = Finnish for 'dad', 'daddy' ,'father'

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter3.jpg.html)

James is splayed out on the couch, asleep with kimi sitting on his stomach staring into his face.

“Kimster? What are you doing to Isa James?”

Kimi doesn’t reply. His permanent, frowning brow knit especially close together, like he’s concentrating. Niki shrugs and leans against the fridge door watching kimi, watch James. He quirks an eyebrow in amusement. Kimi shuffles and leans a little closer to James face. Niki walks over.

“Hey kimi, want ice cream after lunch?” Nothing. No response. Niki almost falls over. Kimi getting ice cream without earning it? And still no response.

Niki lifts kimi to get his attention. Clearly a bad move. Kimi throws a huge tantrum, completely unlike himself and Niki can’t hold him as he cries and thrashes. James wakes up to the commotion and grabs kimi of Niki as there son scratches his face and Niki winces in pain the sharp tiny nails having scrapped his skin graft.

“What the …hell is going on!” James caught himself just before he let loose some rather more obscene language. Niki takes a deep breath and exits the room.

“Niki?...Niki!” James hears a door slam in the distance. He’s left holding a very red faced panting little boy, with tear stained cheeks and a glare that would sink ships.

James sits down with him. He’s never had to discipline kimi. Ever. Kimi wasn’t a bad kid. But James was sure he’d just seen kimi attack Niki. His feelings where all over the place.

“Kimi. Why where you hurting Isa Niki?? Tell the truth. You know we don’t accept any lies”

Kimi starred straight at him with that permanent grimace. James had noticed the little boy rarely, if ever, smiled. 

“Kimi baby, what’s wrong? I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong”

“Where’s my mumma!” kimi yelled. James felt like a bolt of lightning had hit him.

“Kimi…” James started but kimi cut in, his cries shrill and deafening.

“Nico has a mumma!!! Where mine! And which Isa is real!”

James heart sank. He ran his hand down kimi’s tear stained cheek. 

“Kimi, sweetheart. We are both real. Niki and me. We both love you. We are your dads. Your Isa’s. Some kids have two mummas, some two Isa’s, some kids have one of each. Some kids live with grapapa and granmumma. Others live with aunts or uncles…all family’s are different darling.”

Kimi seemed to hang on James every word. James could practically see the wheels turning in his little head.

“kimi looks like James Isa more….” James couldn’t argue with kimis childlike logic. They where both blonde and blue eyed. Both with straight hair. James almost smiled at the thought of kimis little brain working over time to figure out which one of them he looked most like. The hard truth was neither of there genes existed in kimi. But James already saw himself and Niki in their son. He was picking up there mannerisms. And if James was completely honest , kimi was niki’s chip of the old block. Even the stair he fixed James now was one he’d gotten from Niki.

“you do look like me, but, you also look like Niki Isa. You look like him just now. The way your looking at me…and Niki has brilliant blue eyes, just like us! Doesn’t he?” James knew he was trying his hardest to avoid the dreaded ‘adoption’ conversation. Kimi was to young to understand. even though they read him books at night and they had child friendly DVD’s about it , with fun cartoons. Kimi always seemed a little oblivious to the message. Or so James had originally thought.

“just like us! Blue eyes like kimi and Isa James!” it looked like a little light bulb went off in kimis head and James chuckled lightly at kimis surprised expression. Then suddenly kimis icy eyes filled with new tears.

“I want Isa Niki!! I’m sorry!!! I hurt him…..i didn’t mean to” kimi sobbed. James held him close and rocked him gently.

Niki appeared at his side and smiled down at him.

“well handled , James” kimi’s head shot up and his arms stretched out for Niki who lifted him into his arms. kimi crooned his head under niki’s neck

“sorry Isa” he sobbed . and Niki patted his back comfortingly.

“I love you, Isa Niki and James” kimi added . Niki and James starred wide-eyed at each other. Kimi had never once said he loved them. Not once. In fact kimi never said much except “I want ice cream” or “no!” or “leave me alone” . to say they where shocked was an understatement.

James stood and swung his arm around Niki. He flattened kimi’s unruly blonde hair with his hand.

“we love you to champ”

“more than anything” Niki added.

Kimi looked up into Nikis eyes. The little boys gaze was so intense Niki felt he might have to look away but he couldn’t. 

“forgive kimi?”

Niki smiled “nothing to forgive son. It’s ok to get mad sometimes. Talk to us first ok? You need to talk to us kimi. We don’t always understand what you want.” 

Kimi looked away as if he was thinking about it. When he looked back the side of his mouth rose up a little. It was as close to a smile as they would get.

“Niki Isa and kimi have blue eyes like James Isa!” Niki grinned. Having not actually left the house and just gone to clean up his scrapes. He had heard James whole explanation. He looked at a James who shrugged. And smiled warmly at him.

The doorbell wrang.

“ill get it!” James darted round Niki and kimi. They both stared after him down the long corridor. When James opened the door it was mika. He looked distraught . Niki couldn’t hear what was being said. But from James expression and their hand gestures it wasn’t something good. 

“what’s wrong?” kimi asked , sensing something was off too. Mika always came in. always. He never lingered in doorways.

“I’m not sure…” Niki replied honestly to his son. James closed the door and approached Niki his face was chalk white but not from the Finnish weather. He looked up at Niki . Niki could see the pain in his eyes.

“James?” he urged him.

“hey kimi, go play ok? Me and Isa Niki have to talk”

“No!” kimi refused clutching Niki tighter.

“just say it James…what’s happened?”

James hesitated “Niki….not on front of him.” Nikis expression hardened.

“just say it James. What’s wrong?”

James sighed defatted .

“little Nico….he has caught pneumonia. He’s not going to survive the night”

Niki swallowed hard and tried to stay as calm as he could. Kimi looked up at him confused.

“you go. Ill…ill stay with kimi”

“no. I think we should all go. Keke sent mika to ask us to bring kimi, Nico…has been asking for him” Niki nodded sadly . a decision had to be made. Let kimi see Nico one last time. Or protect their son from this horrible turn of events.

Kimi had perked up slightly unaware of the gravity of the situation.

“Nico!!!” he clapped his hands excitedly. James smiled sadly at him.

“yes, buddy , lets…go see little Nico” 

“James…no..” Niki tried to protest. James waved a hand at him.

“for Nico. Niki, lets do it for Nico and for keke” niki’s eyes where starting to fill up. He nodded.


	4. Sleep, sleep, grassland bird ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi gets a lesson in the power of companion ship when he faces a very ill little nico.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kimi's lullaby to Nico - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbWi4MUpHjE - "sleep , sleep, little grassland bird..."

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter4.png.html)

Everything had escalated before keke and his wife could get little Nico to hospital. Nico had fallen ill only a few days previous, with what seemed like a cold. The doctor had been called just the previous night when the diagnosis was confirmed. but it was to late to rush the baby to hospital. Instead the parents where advised to keep him warm, comfortable and to stay with him. Nico’s mother sat on the bed with her tiny limp bundle in her arms.

 

Nico was to weak to lift his own head, to weak to blink or move his arms of legs. She cradled him close swaddling him in numerous soft wooly blankets and singing him German lullabies.  His soft blonde hair stuck to his face with sweat.

 

James and Niki arrived in the middle of the night.  It was long past kimis bedtime he was sleepy and drifting off in Nikis arms. Mika opened the door.

 

“Upstairs” he gestured. James went first followed by Niki with kimi. They approached the little boy’s bedroom door, which was slightly ajar. A soft glow, entering the hallway. from Nicos bedside lamp. Keke emerged, eyes red, his face pale. He reached out his hand which James took pulling him foreword into a hug. Keke was motionless he pulled away and gazed up into James eyes. Then looked at Niki and down to kimi. Who had suddenly sprung awake. He frowned at keke.

 

“Nico?” he asked. Keke smiled sadly at him. And reached out his arms . Kimi went to him and he looked at James and Niki for reassurance , some kind of conformation that letting kimi see Nico was ok.

 

Niki nodded. And keke carried kimi into the room. James and Niki lingered in the doorway.

 

They watched as keke leaned over his wife allowing kimi to lean foreword and gaze at Nico in her arms. Kimi reached out his little arm and touched nicos forehead timidly. Nicos skin felt warm, kimi pulled his hand away.

 

“Nico, wanna play with kimi?” kimi asked. Nico coughed, a deep barking sound that came straight from deep in his chest. Kimi frowned deeper.

 

“nico’s sick?” he looked up at keke . keke nodded. Kimi concentrated hard on nicos face.

 

“Isa Niki makes me feel better, Give Nico to Isa Niki??”  keke’s eyes where filling up. Kimi was so innocent but he thought he had all the answers.

 

“your Isa can not make Nico better kimi. Nico, needs to go away, he needs to leave us” . keke, chocked as he tried to explain. Niki went to move and take kimi from him but James stopped him, grasping his arm tightly and shaking his head.

 

Kimi looked down at Nico “is he coming back?” .

 

Keke shook his head , no.

 

Kimi became visibly distressed. “No I don’t want Nico to go! No !” . Nico stirred and coughed louder. His eyes fluttered open. He was deathly pale, his lips where almost blue and he shivered occasionally.

 

“Kimi” he whimpered. Kimi instantly forgot keke.

 

“Nico play with kimi?” he asked again. Nico tried to smile, the two looked fondly at one another . before nicos little chest heaved and he coughed and coughed. His mother sobbed gently and held him a little closer.  Kimi crawled out of kekes grasp and padded along the bed to Nico. He raised himself up on his knees beside him and patted his forehead .

 

Niki and James wept silently in the door way as kimi began to sing Nico a Finnish lullaby.

 

“Nuku, nuku, nurmilintu ...”  

  

Kimis little voice echoed throughout the silent room. The only other sound came from the laboured breathing of the other little one, safely cradled in his mother’s arms. 

  

Kimi sang to him all night.


	5. Letting you win

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi doesn't understand illness and why some people leave. he just wants to make things better.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter5.jpg.html)

Niki was huddled between James legs head on his chest. Both had ended up asleep in the doorway. Keke lay on the floor exhausted, also asleep. Only Nicos mother, sina. And kimi remained awake.

 

Kimi was past exhaustion. His little voice had died out as morning broke. Nico had fallen asleep. A soft rattling in his chest. From infection and coughing. Kimi refused to close his eyes. Neither the warm embrace of Nicos mother, nor her soft encouraging voice soothed kimi. Something was wrong and his little mind couldn’t comprehend it, all he knew was if he stayed awake he wouldn’t miss anything.

 

Nico began to stir. A sudden coughing fit woke the three sleeping men. Keke moved to his wife’s side, examining his son. Niki pulled reluctantly away from James, stood and stretched. James took a little longer to come round.

 

Nico gazed up at kimi, who gave him the biggest heartwarming small Niki had ever seen. There was a slight color to Nicos cheeks, his lips where pink again. His beautiful green/blue eyes where brighter.

 

“Fadder” Nico mumbled in his little mixed Finnish, German accent. “Kimi? Mumma?” Nicos mum held him so close, kimi watched fascinated as she kissed him all over. Kimi turned to Niki and James and outstretched his little arms. His little face full of need “ISA!!” Niki ran to him and held him close. James pulled them both to him hugging thim tightly.

 

Keke rushed out the door past James and Niki. Niki could hear him in the distance on the phone to the hospital. Finally keke managed to convince them to dispatch a unit to take Nico to intensive care.

 

Kimi watched everything, Nicos mother holding him tightly as nurses tried to pry him from her arms. Keke reassuring her that Nico had to go with them. She wept as they carried him off. Cradling him like a new baby, he looked like one, so little and helpless swaddled in blankets, little tufts of blonde hair all that was visible.

 

The nurses placed him on a stretcher. “Its to big for him!” kimi cried out. Niki and James soothed him keke and sina got into the ambulance and kimi watched sina take her sons tiny hand in hers and caress it gently. He hugged Niki tighter and grasped at James shirt collar over Nikis shoulder.  Then Nico was gone.

 

 Kimi cried. He cried harder than he had ever cried. He wept and sobbed for days. He wouldn’t eat or sleep. He just didn’t understand.

 

_Why? Why Nico? It wasn’t fair!_

Niki lay on the couch with kimi huddled into him. Kimi had cried himself out, he was weak and his little chest heaved with the pressure of having sustained such violent sobbing. Niki was at his end. He was tired and could no longer fight to console kimi. James had attempted to take over but nothing helped. Kimi just wouldn’t settle. Finally he was silent.

 

The door bell wrang.

 

“James!” Niki called.

 

“Ill get it!” came James reply as he jogged past the couch to the door. Then there was silence.

 

“James …who is it?”

 

Niki didn’t bother moving from the couch afraid he’d stir kimi.

Niki looked up and James was standing over him with keke, who had Nico in his arms. The baby had blue shorts and a white shirt on, his hair was perfect and he was as alert as he had been before falling ill. He kicked his little legs in excitement at seeing Niki. Niki shook kimi gently.

 

“Kimster look! You have a visitor” kimi nuzzled closer into Niki’s chest.

 

“No! Kimis sad! Go away” Niki grinned for the first time in what seemed like forever. As he saw Nico’s happy little face turn to a frown,

 

“Kimi no like Nico??” kimi shot bolt upright Niki James and keke laughed in unison.

 

“Nico!!!” kimi squealed, his voice still hoarse. Nico chuckled and practically bounced out of keke’s arms onto the couch.  Soon both boys where off somewhere, having an adventure. As the dads settled down with some beers.

 

“He’s ok then? Everything’s fine?”

 

“Thank god James…to loose him would finish me. He’s the only one ill have…”

 

Niki looked to keke. “So its true? you and sina cant have any more?”

 

Keke nodded looking down at his beer.

 

“We are so happy he’s ok keke. We owe you and your family everything. We owe you kimi!” James added.

 

Keke smiled at them and shook his head firmly. “No, you two where meant to have the boy. Someone just made mika and me the messengers. That’s all. You are both doing an amassing job, still racing and looking after him, the good Finnish way! Hard work and lots of love! He’s a wonderful child. And Nico …well I firmly believe my little one was dead that night without kimi.”

 

James and Niki looked at one another. Kimi was a strong one, they’d always known.

 

Nico sat across from kimi in the playroom. They where racing drivers. Kimi had on one of his special made helmets that Niki and James had made him, he let Nico wear his ‘spare’.

 

They where sat in kimis ‘race car chairs’. Again specially made by his Isa’s. 

 

“brrrr brrrr rrrrrrmmmm vrrrrmmmmm brrrrrrrr” kimi and Nico where making rather accurate car noises. In there little heads they where swerving and overtaking. On they’re way to the checkered flag! It was so close!. Kimi shot up form his chair and jumped up and down.

 

“and Nico wins!!!” he high fived Nico who was giggling madly. Niki snuck his head round the door.

 

“having fun boys?”

 

Nico slid off the helmet. “I win!!!”

 

Niki watched as kimi slid of his helmet and smiled at him.

 

“I bet it was close!!! Did u get second kimi?”

 

“yeah! Ill be on it next one!!!” Niki laughed.

 

“you mean next time you’ll be number one?” kimi nodded still smiling. Niki knew it was all make believe but he was still shocked that kimi had ‘let’ Nico win in their little game.

 

“Nico!” keke called , “time to go home to mumma, little one!” Nico stood and hugged kimi  before darting off to his dad.

 

Niki knelt by his son and helped him put the toys and helmets away.

 

“kimi? Did u let Nico win?” kimi nodded.

 

“why? Buba?” kimi shrugged

 

“Nico is happy now. I beat him some other times” Nikis chest swelled with pride.

 

“your very special you know that kimster? Very, very special”


	6. the Northern Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mika shares some wisdom with the little Iceman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seta = uncle in finnish.  
> danke schoen - thank you - in german

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter6.jpg.html)

Summers and winters pass . spring quickly turns to autumn . James Niki keke and mika continue to race , party, live and love with all there worth. The best moments spent at home with two growing, bright, blonde haired, blue-eyed boys.

That fall both turn six. Kimi, a few weeks before Nico. Though he looked a few years older than the slight smaller boy. There faces where loosing some of the baby fat. Kimi wasn’t as chubby as he had been. now he was sturdy and starting to look rather muscular for his age. Nico was still small and slim and very tanned , having spent most of his summers in Monaco. 

They where back in Finland that winter. Nico and kimi where trudging through the snow in there snow suits. Outside , the Rosberg residence.

“Nico! Nico! Take a peek o! there’s a wolf coming over the hill! Nico! Nico! Gotta sneak o! or your gonna be the wolves next kill!” kimi chimed his special song for Nico, as he lunged at Nico who giggled madly. 

“kimi! Kimi! Cant go swimming cause hes scared of the big bad whale!!!” 

“shut up! That’s not true!” kimi stuffed snow down Nicos suit. Nico shivered and threw a snowball in his face. Nico shot up and ran for his life. Kimi bolted after him , his longer more muscular legs propelling him foreword until he caught Nicos hood and they where both face down in the snow. 

Nico whined having fallen on his wrist. Kimi got off him and tried to pull him up.

“sorry” he murmured as Nico stood holding his little wrist with his other hand , pouting. 

“you hurted me…” kimi looked down. 

“sorry” he mumbled again. Keke walked over to inspect the damage.

“your alright little man. Be a tough soldier and no crying” Nico nodded .

“fadder, watch moomins with me?” Nico looked up hopefully at his dad. Keke made a face. He hated that show. And Nico was constantly subjecting him to it.

“kimi will watch it with you. And you can have pancakes on front of the tv? Yes?”

Nico bounced “yes! Danke schoen fadder!!” keke rolled his eyes and nodded.

“ok , ok. Come along boys. No more rough play kimi. Ok?” kimi followed along after Nico who was holding his fathers hand and ranting in German, he ignored Keke. Kimi frowned, he didn’t really like Nico talking other languages, kimi liked to understand everything. 

When they got inside sina stripped both kimi and Nico of their snow suits and dressed them in pajamas. Kimi liked it when she fussed over him. But he much preferred Niki changing him for bed. But both Niki and James where racing. Keke had retired from the season early due to a back injury. Sina had been watching the boys for a few weeks. Kimi was lonely , he wanted his dads. After a few weeks with sina he decided he preferred not having a ‘mumma’ he liked his family just the way it was. But he did appreciate why Nico loved her so much. Keke seemed very stern and regimented not at all like Niki and James. Kimi missed them.

The boys settled down to watch the moomins. Nico snuggling into his moomintroll teddy. Kimi had one to , but he only snuggled him at night, when no one could see . soon Nicos eyes where heavy and he yawned. Kimi wasn’t tired at all. Sina lifted Nico gently from the floor and he snuggled into her , she supported him under the bottom with one arm and reached for kimi’s hand with the other he took it and she led them both upstairs. She read to them. A wonderful tale of kings and gods and monstrous frost beasts and trolls. Nico fell asleep half way through. kimi stayed awake and listened intently. When the story ended she kissed Nico and kimi and left. Leaving the door ajar and Nicos night light on.

Kimi couldn’t sleep. First he thought of James, could here his laugh , and could see his smile. Then he thought of Niki, his unusual face his fierce eyes. His soft smooth accent as he sang to kimi. Kimi got out of bed and padded down the stairs. Sina was in the main room watching tv. He couldn’t see keke. Kimi opened the front door, the wind howled and the cold nipped at his face. He knew his house wasn’t to far away. He just wanted to check if they where home. He closed the door again, waddled over to the coat hangers and put on his snowsuit. Then he left closing the door. It was dark but the streetlight illuminated the icy road enough for him to see where it went. He followed it , slipping occasionally.

It was freezing. even kimis mittens didn’t keep his fingers warm , his snow boots didn’t stop his toes from getting cold. He walked and walked. He still couldn’t see his house. He turned back, but after a long while he realized he was lost.

A figure started to walk towards him holding a torch. It was dressed all in black and kimi couldn’t see its face. he squealed as a hand caught his snowsuit, he tried to fight but the figure pulled him closer.

“oi! Oi! Little iceman! Calm down now!”

it was mika. Mika had found him. Kimi stopped thrashing and smiled.

“seta mika!!!” kimi cried with joy.

“yes, yes, its your old uncle mika! Why are you out here? Crazy boy!” mika scooped him up and started walking back in the direction he’d come from. Kimi hadn’t found his own house, but he had found mika’s. he was at the end of mika’s front yard , unrecognizable in the dark . the trees white with snow and the grass covered in ice. 

When they got in mika called keke and sina. Who had no idea kimi was missing. He told them to leave kimi with him and that he’d bring him over in the morning.  
Mika made hot cocoa. And sat kimi on his lap. 

“so kimster! Why the late night adventure uh?”

kimi shrugged and drank his cocoa.

“man of few words , ya?” kimi smiled and yawned.

He looked round mikas sitting room, mostly wood finishing’s and a roaring open flame fire. Then something outside the window caught kimi’s eyes .

What looked like flames dancing across the sky. Kimi could see blue and red and orange , tinges of green and purple. His jaw fell open. He pointed in silence. Mika followed his arm and grinned. He bundled kimi into his arms and wrapped him in layers of blankets before taking him outside again for a closer look. The lights danced across the sky. Kimis eyes went wide. 

“what is it…” he asked never tearing his eyes away.

“its many things. Some people say it’s the gods dancing , some people call them ‘the northern lights’ or aurora borealis …but me…well my Isa told me they where ‘starfire’ , little bits of spirits, spirits of those who have passed and left this world for the next. they become stars then there light burns right to the earth so we can see them. So we don’t forget and can all know we are not alone. we can all be ‘starfire’ shine our light for everyone to see it even before we become spirits”

Kimi nodded soaking it all in “starfire” he repeated. Kimi held a hand up towards the lights.

Mika looked at him in wonder “one day you’ll be a starfire kimi. Burn that light for everyone to see. you’ll never be alone.” Mika knew kimis birth parents already where up they’re, watching him. Kimi would know someday. Now wasn’t the time to tell him.

Kimi would remember that night forever. The starfire burning across the blackened sky.


	7. the scotsman , the englishman and the world champion.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi shares a moment is history with his fathers, and makes a new friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scottish slang words 
> 
> laddy - lad, young boy, boy  
> bonny - beautiful, handsome, striking  
> aye - yes  
> aboot - about

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter7.png.html)

Kimi isn’t afforded any more opportunity for late night strolls , after Niki found out about his late night trip to mikas. After that the little iceman becomes a seasoned traveller. Flying in Nikis private jets with James from one city to the next , from one Grand Prix to another.

 

A different hotel every few nights, at first he loves it. There are large pools at every hotel and he tastes lots of strange foods and different flavors of ice cream. And James is around more than Niki because he is now a race commentator. Eventually though he gets tired , he wants his own room in Finland with his own toys and his familiar surroundings.

 

Niki leaves him often with alone with James, and though he dotes on him and does what ever he asks it’s not the same as being home with Nico and sina. But that cant ever be how used to. now that Nico was also old enough to travel he is  on the road with keke and sina. Sina takes him on outings a lot and kimi never sees him. Eventually to provide Nico some stability sina moved to Monaco and kimi is lucky if he sees his friend once or twice during the GP season.

 

Kimis first GP race as a spectator is 1984. just after his sixth birthday. he is sick of hotels, And James, long retired from racing spends a lot more time commentating races. Its niki’s final race for the world championship , fighting with someone called alain prost. James has the day off to watch Niki race. If Niki gets the better of prost it will be his third world title. Kimi refuses to miss it , if James is going, he is going , and that’s final.

 

James arrives at the track with kimi clad in shorts and a McLaren t shirt sporting ‘Lauda no1’ on the back. He also has bright red Ferrari shoes on , a little nod to his father’s previous team. James takes him straight to the pits where Niki is pacing ready to get into the car.

 

When Niki sees them and beams. He rushes forward to greet James.

 

“there’s my two favorite men!” James hugs him, a friendly non-affectionate hug that wouldn’t get them any negative media attention. Kimi however launches himself at Niki. Niki hold him and swings him round and round. Kimi laughs.

 

Finally one of the race engineers interrupts and Niki hands kimi back to James.

 

“go get him Isa!” kimi exclaims brow furrowed his expression one of pure seriousness. He nods at Niki , the way James would before a race Niki, nods back and shuts his visor on his helmet. He gives James the customary thumbs up and climbs in the car. As Niki takes his position on track ,kimi can feel his little heart hammering against his chest. James fits him with noise cancelling head phones, but everything still seems so loud .

 

kimi watches his dad in the white and red McLaren, front of the grid. He can see a burst of brilliant colors. Yellows, blues blacks and greens. All the cars lined up behind Niki. Like his father is the leader and all they can do is follow. It’s a scorching hot day and the heat is making the track smell, the fumes from the cars mixing with the tarmac reaching kimis sensitive young nose. The engines start kimi watches the lights change then a deathly silence seems to fall before a massive surge of blistering noise fills his ears , like thunder rattling against the very earth and car after car shoots past him. Its takes his breathe away.

 

James watches kimi watching the race. His heart feels heavy he knows kimi will one day be out there, he hopes that he is wrong. racing is what scarred the man he loves , he couldn’t bare an accident involving kimi. He shakes the thought from his head as a booming Scottish accent fills his ears , he turns and there is Jackie, James grins madly.

 

“Jackie Stewart! The legend himself!” kimi looks at the new comer suspiciously as he hugs his father.

 

Then the stranger’s eyes are fixed firmly on him.

 

“my god, aint he a bonny laddy. Look at those eyes!! This is yer son then aye? I mean…with Niki. What’s the lil fellas name?”

 

James takes a steady breath, Niki and his relationship wasn’t massively public. The press somewhat believed kimi was James illegitimate child from one of his many love affairs. And that Niki was happily divorced and single. Though most media outlets had speculated about them and kimi.

 

James and Niki never confirmed nor denied anything. Their close friends on track of course knew the true story. James was still unsure how many of them felt about it. Jackie seemed interested and he was always friendly, though James knew he preferred Niki to himself.

 

“yes this is the lil man. Kimi Raikkonen. Id remember it if I where you ! he’s gonna be one to watch I think. He’s already racing kekes boy! They both start karting next year…”

 

Jackie smiled knowingly.

 

“yeh don’t seem tooo happy aboot that , hunt the shunt” James smiled regardless.

 

“he wants to be like Niki, and me I suppose, but you know. Nikis success is a far greater aspiration to live up to” Jackie nodded. Kimi remained silent through the whole exchange looking between James and Jackie curiously.

 

“so..” Jackie started “does he talk?” he ruffled kimis blonde hair, kimi pulled his head away clearly not amused.

 

“he…is selectively mute I am afraid , he doesn’t say more than he needs to he’s very economical with words” Jackie laughed.

 

“like Niki then? Good lad! Your dad Niki is a star boy. I tell you, what an amassing man. Ill tell you some great stories when your older” kimi decided at that moment he liked this strange man.

 

“my Isa Niki will be world champion today!” kimi announced proudly. Jackie beamed down at him.

 

“42 laps to go lil man, but aye I think your dad Niki can take him! Lets cheer him on!”

 

The moment of reckoning came. Niki swept across the line taking the checkered flag kimi was momentarily confused as James ran with him followed by Jackie to the podium. He was scarred there was so many people.  Screaming , wailing and cheering. Then Niki emerged from his car took his helmet off and his balaclava he caught sight of kimi winked at him and made the ‘no1’ sign at him.

 

Kimi burned that image into his little brain. Niki world champion again for a third time and he had eyes only for him. Kimi was no longer frightened he was filled with pride and admiration and awe for his amassing fathers. He watched Niki take the podium , shaking the champagne bottle and drowning his teammate with the spray. James and Jackie shouted and jumped up and down , kimi in James arms , his own little arms in the air cheering. He decided then that not only did he love his fathers but he absolutely loved racing.


	8. Letting go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi's first day at school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> moy - Finnish for hello

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter8.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter8copy.png.html)

Morning’s back home in Finland are peaceful. Niki retires from racing for good in 1985. Kimi is then seven and just the right age for starting school in Finland. He is not excited or enthusiastic about this new change in his life. But Niki has started an airline and James still commentates on the races, so they are away a lot and barely ever home, let alone at the same time. Kimi is used to touring with which ever parents is free to take him along if at home Mika watches kimi, but even that will all change soon as mika himself plans to enter formula 1 to race.

 

It’s kimis first day at school. Niki and James are both home to see him off.

Kimi trudges down stairs clad in his white boxer shorts and his shirt, which is unbuttoned. His hair is a mess and he hasn’t brushed his teeth. James catches s sight of him at the top of the stairs and cant help but smile.

 

“ah..the first day of the rest of your life” he laughs to himself and grabs kimis hand.

 

“Kimster you’re still half naked! Did you even have breakfast?” kimi shakes his head and yawns.

 

“Sweetheart I set your alarm…didn’t you wake up?” again kimi shakes his head. Niki appears from the kitchen with kimi’s brand knew Ferrari school bag. Kimis eyes go allot brighter when he sees it.

 

“Is that mine?” he points and Niki looks him over and shakes his head.

 

“Only if you get ready for school…quickly!” kimi darts to the kitchen and they can hear the clatter of dishes and the slamming of cupboard doors. They smile knowingly at each other.

 

“I hope I do not need to bribe him with new racing things every morning just to get him to put his trousers on!”

 

James stifles a laugh “Niki! That sounded so inappropriate! Like something you’d say about me” Niki slaps his arm playfully.

 

“Only you could make that a sexual innuendo”

 

James and Niki sit at the breakfast table and watch kimi attempt to eat. He’s still half asleep. _Mornings will not be his thing_ , James thinks. Niki watches him with sadness in his eyes James prods him and mouths _‘are you ok?’_ Niki nods and stands. Leaving James and kimi alone at the table.

 

“Excited kimi?”

 

“No” kimi mumbles through a mouthful of cereal.

 

“ow come on , it will be fun. I promise! Not like niki’s or my school. We had horrible uniforms and hats and knee-high sock! We looked ridiculous and if you acted out you got smacked with a wooden ruler.” James giggled as kimi gave him a huge disbelieving stare “it’s alright little man they don’t do that anymore. And! You only have to dress smart today. You can wear your own clothes to school here in Finland. Consider yourself very lucky!”

 

Kimi roles his eyes. His long slime legs dangling off his stool ,swinging casually under the table. Niki watches him from the hallway. He looks kimi up and down. His fine features starting to loose all baby fat, his arms and torso getting muscular and his legs stretching. His medium length blonde hair, still messy from sleeping on it. Niki can’t believe the years have gone by so fast. He wants kimi to stay a little boy forever. In truth Niki wants him to start school a lot less than kimi wants to go to school.

 

“Isa James?” kimi asks looking up from his now empty bowl.

 

“Yes buba?”

 

“Do I have to go to school?”

 

James stands and moves round to kneel on front of kimis stool and takes both his hands in his own.

 

“Yes lil man. You do have to go. And I promise you. You will love it, you will have so much fun you wont want to come home. “

 

“But I don’t want to go!” James sees kimis eyes fill up despite the fact kimi is making his best angry face.

 

“aw darling, I know. Its hard for you, you don’t like change. But I promise this will be a good change. You’ll see.”

 

“What if they don’t like me…” kimi looks down at his hands in James. James feels a lump in his throat. Before he can answer Niki decides to join them.

 

“They will love you kimi, you’re a very special young man” Niki says running a brush through kimis unruly hair. Kimi looks up at him and smiles a little. James heart swells. Niki always knows exactly what to say.

 

Both James and Niki walk through the woods and over the icy path leading past mikas house, through the fields and past the stream that kimi and Nico used to play in. they watch kimi stop and stare at it. Nico was living in Monaco now. Kimi gazed at his reflection in the clear water. James and Niki gave him a moment before gently ushering him away. The whole walk was eerily silent and kimi looked so very sad.

 

 The school was a grand castle like building behind a mass of trees with a golden-pebbled path leading to the gates. There where no houses or busy roads just masses of smiling children. Kimi could hear laughter echoing through the air. He watched as children of all different ages chased each other kicked a ball or played on the swings in the school grounds.  He held onto niki’s hand just that little bit tighter. James and Niki walked him to the gate , a tall man with blonde hair and blue eyes approached and shook James hand before approaching Niki who also shook his hand. Then the man looked down at kimi.

 

“moy.”

 

“moy” kimi said back politely.

 

“Welcome to Numeeaervie young Mr Raikkonen. I’m the head master Mr Hakala your teacher will be miss tarja” the man gestured towards a young women who was kneeling down as a little boy presented her with flowers. She looked kimis way and smiled warmly at him. Her eyes where emerald green and her hair was golden like sand, her features where soft and welcoming . Kimi smiled back and Niki felt his grip loosen on his hand.

 

Mr hakala returned his attention to James and niki. “I’ll leave you to settle him in and I will be sure to report to you on his first successful day. Also all parents are advised to leave school grounds by 9am in their child’s first week. Just to make the separation easier” James nodded and the headmaster walked off to greet more new students.

 

Niki knelt by kimis side and fixed his shirt and his hair. A lump forming in his throat.

 

“Ok kimi, me and Isa James are going to leave you with your new teacher because the arsloch headmaster wants us out of here by 9am” James grinned at Niki and nudged him with his foot.

 

“Don’t get him in trouble on his first day! Isa Niki is just joking kimi please don’t call you headmaster an arsehole , ok?” kimi grinned at Niki.

 

Niki kissed his forehead and held him close kimi rested his head on niki’s shoulder.

 

“ill be ok. “ he whispered in nikis ear. Niki pulled him closer. Kimi shouldn’t need to reassure him it should be the other way around. As Niki pulled away James moved forward and ruffled kimis hair he moved his hand under kimis chin and tilted his head up.

 

“Alright iceman. Be a brave little soldier and we will see you when the bell rings” kimi nodded, James pulled nikis sleeve.

 

“Come on rat. Lets leave him to it” Niki turned reluctantly and followed James . He fought hard not to turn and look back but at the end of the path he did.  He saw kimis little figure standing where they’d left him in the distance looking out at them.

 

Niki started to break “I can’t do this. I can’t leave him there”

 

James held him “hey he’ll be fine. He has to grow up Niki. He wont be a baby forever.”

 

Niki gripped the front of James coat tightly “but the airline and you away all the time…now this. Ill never see him. He’ll hate me”

 

James ran a hand through the curls under nikis hat at the nape of his neck.

 

“The airline will run itself soon enough with all those people you have on board. And then ill give up commentating and we will stay home for him like we planned. And Niki, he could never hate you. He absolutely adores you”

 

“And you” Niki murmurs. They take one last glance back before they walk away


	9. the boy by the tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi makes a new very mysterious friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lauri Ylonen - a highly regarded very talented Finnish musician. Lead singer of 'the Rasmus' , also a successful soloist. has provided vocals for apocalyptica and has duet'd with nightwish lead singer anette olzon and HIM vocalist ville valo.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter9.png.html)

Kimi stares blankly round the playground. There are children everywhere but he feels so alone. Suddenly he catches site of a boy sitting under one of the huge oak trees. All alone, not much younger than kimi. Kimi takes one last glance at the crowds of children and then back at the boy. His feet make the decision for him.

He approaches and stops just on front of the lonely figure. The boy is dressed in all black he has a long black fringe slanting over his forehead and covering his left eye. The rest of his hair is messy and sticking out like bird feathers. At first he doesn’t notice kimi. After a moment he looks up. Kimi is met with a pair of shimmering green eyes. 

“moy” kimi says reaching out his hand. The boy stares at it for a moment as if fearing if he touches kimi he might get burned. He reaches up tentatively and shakes kimi’s hand.

“moy” the boy replies. Kimi gives a little smile.

“I’m kimi raikkonen, what’s your name?”

The boy looks up at him almost in awe.

“lauri ylonen” he replies .

“Can I sit here lauri?” the boy nods and moves over a little allowing kimi space to sit by him under the tree.

The school is for ex pat kids mostly and kimi wonders if his new friend is Finnish.

“Are you from Finland?” lauri nods.

“Are you?” kimi smiles and nods back.

“Why are you dressed funny? And didn’t your Isa or mumma fix your hair?” lauri looks down at his hands.

“I live with my granpapa he’s old. I get myself ready. I walk by myself, I got lost to” kimi blinks in amassment.

“You got yourself ready for school?! And you walked here alone?” lauri nods

“wow!” The bell rings and lauris facial expression suddenly drops. Kimi pats his shoulder.

“its ok lauri. I’m scarred to. You can sit with me. We will be ok” lauri smiles warmly at him. Kimi smiles back. They stand and take their first tentative steps towards the school gates.

Miss Tarja meets them and gives a lovely warm greeting and explains that they will be frightened at first but soon they will all be fine. She leads them to there classroom. It’s bright and has lots of windows, the desks are two by two facing miss Tarja’s desk at the front. And the walls are littered with the previous years paintings, poems and various arts and crafts. Miss Tarja tells them all to take a seat. Kimi leads lauri towards the back, by one of the windows, and allows lauri to sit down first before he slides in next to him.

He watches as lauri tries to make himself as small as possible sinking down into his seat. Miss Tarja asks each class member to stand and give their names plus some information about themselves. Some kids have a lot to say, others simply give there names and some are shaking so hard miss Tarja soothes them and lets them stay silent. When it comes to kimi he needs a lot of prompting.

“So what’s your name my darling?”

“kimi raikkonen”

“That’s a lovely strong name. And tell us something about you kimi. What do you like to play with your friends?”

“Racing” miss Tarja nobs and kimi can hear some stifled laughter. He makes his hands into fists by his side and wills himself not to shake.

“What kind of racing do you play??”

“Formula 1” there more laughter. But miss Tarja smiles ta him knowingly.

“ah yes your James hunt and Niki lauda’s little one! Well welcome to the school kimi we hope you enjoy it. You can sit down now sweetheart” kimi sits and unclenches his fists. Miss Tarja gestures to lauri who freezes.

Kimi watches as he shakes, standing slowly. Once in full view of the class there are uncontrolled bellows of laughter. And an array of comments like

“Look at his hair!” “What is he dressed as?” “it’s not Halloween yet!”

Kimi feels his blood boil in his veins. Miss Tarja quickly shuts up the offending class members.

“What’s your name sweety?”

“l-lauri” he stammers and there is more laughter. Kimi looks up and watches silent tears roll down lauri’s face. Miss Tarja smiles at him and gestures for him to sit down. For the rest of the class lauri sits staring out the window with his arms folder defensively across his chest streams of tears falling silently down his face. Kimi knew he would hate school he just didn’t imagine it would be on behalf of someone else.

When the bell wrung for a short play break. Lauri remained in his seat kimi stayed as well. Miss Tarja didn’t force them to go outside much to kimis relief. He turned to lauri and gently patted his shoulder.

“Please don’t cry anymore. Here” kimi held out a little red racing car with the no12 on it. A mini replica of niki’s winning Ferrari. Lauri looked at it and took it.  
Kimi pulled another out from his bag.

“Race you?” lauri looked at him eyes red and watery, cheeks flushed and tinged with drying tears.

“I don’t know how” he said. 

“Like this” kimi made a make shift track on there desks from pencils, rulers and erasers and zoomed his car round the track imitating James commentary as he drove. Lauri laughed and set his car at the edge of the desk following kimis there hands dancing round each other on the desk making the cars wiz round the imaginary track.

When play break ended and class resumed lauri sat up a little straighter, which made kimi feel very happy. Then the final bell rang and it was time to go. 

Kimi ran for the gates, Niki and James where waiting for him. He threw down his school back and ran at them Niki held his arms open and kimi launched himself into them. James ruffling his hair and kissing his face. Lauri looked on from his oak tree and watched the two men fuss over kimi. 

“How was it?” James asked over enthusiastically.

“I didn’t like it” kimi replied honestly. Niki and James looked at each other and frowned.

Kimi continued, “ the children are cruel. But I made a friend”

Niki smiled again relieved.

“Great kimi! What’s he like tell us all about him. ….Or her” kimi jumped out of nikis arms and scanned the play ground he caught lauri walking down the path alone and called to him.

“lauri!! Lauri!!!” lauri turned and kimi made excited hand gestures beckoning him. 

He turned to James and Niki and started talking so fast they weren’t sure that they had collected the right child from the school

“His names lauri ylonen, and he dresses himself for school and I don’t know if he has a Isa or mumma but he lives with his granpapa and walks here himself! And they all made fun of him and he cried the whole day so can we walk him home or give him a lift in our car? Please? He’s my new friend!” just as kimi finished and before Niki or James could reply the little boy approached standing behind kimi.

Niki looked him over. Jet black hair, all black clothes scuffed shoes. But a handsome little thing with fascinating eyes. Niki glanced at James and then knelt beside kimi.

“moy young man, lauri is it?” the boy nodded. Kimi reached out his hand.

“I’m Niki, one of kimis fathers” the boy shook nikis hand then James reached out his.

“And I’m James the other one” he said winking and lauri smiled and shook James hand.

“arn’t you parents picking you up lauri?” the boy shook his head.

“No they died. I live with my ganpapa and granma , I have to go now or they will worry. It was nice to meet you.” Lauri smiled at kimi and went to walk away. Kimi starred at Niki then James, the kind of stare that makes you feel incredibly guilty about something. James gave in first.

“Lauri, hold on” lauri stopped and walked back.

“Me and Niki and kimi can drive you home. Would you like that? We will tell the headmaster so that they can phone your grandparents and that way it won’t be like going with strangers. The school knows us” 

Kimi beams and looks at lauri hopefully. 

“uhm…thank you” lauri adds Niki lets the school know and him and James lead both boys to the car. It takes 40 minutes to reach lauri’s grandparents wooden house in the middle of nowhere and Niki feels his stomach tighten at the thought of any child walking that far alone, just to get to school. It would take double the time on foot. Lauri says goodbye to them and kimi.

They watch as he trudges up the path to the house. He turns and waves at kimi who waves back before disappearing inside.


	10. Innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi hears sounds in the night and goes investigating.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter10.jpg.html)

That night kimi is exhausted and Niki is reminded just how young their son really is. He lifts the limp little body off the couch next to James. Kimi sighs and wraps his arms round nikis neck snuggling into him. Niki carries him gently up stairs to bed .

He lays kimi down gently and watches as he curls up into the fetal position, fast asleep. Niki covers him in his marvel super heroes blanket and places his tattered old momintroll teddy under the covers next to him. He sits on the edge of the bed and watches him sleep. Stroking his soft blonde hair.

James stands in the door way and watches Niki watching there son.

“He will still be there in the morning you know” James whispers as he approaches and sits down next to Niki.

Niki smiles over his shoulder at James.

“We should let him phone Nico tomorrow morning. Did you see how he stopped and watched the stream today? I felt my heart break.”

James nodded. “keke had to do what was best for his family, just like we do what’s best for ours. They will see each other again some day, in the mean time kimi has other things he needs to concentrate on”

“Still I am calling them tomorrow. They where meant to start karting together this year. Kimi needs it. He needs to hear nicos voice, know that nicos happy. Then maybe he will stop missing him. You never did notice that they swapped moomins did you? Its nico’s he clutches every night”

James goes quiet at that and stares at the moomin teddy. kimis was blue, this one was once white now grey from years of abuse. James remembers Nico as a baby snuggling it. 

“He really did take it hard when they left, didn’t he?” Niki smiles sadly at him and returns his gaze to kimi.

“He doesn’t make friends easy James. He’s …different. Its hard for him”

“I’m not sure how I feel about that boy he was with today”

Niki looks thoughtful for a moment.

“Oddly…he reminds me a little of Nico. Timid, small , could be mistaken for a girl…an easy target to pick on.”

“Kimi sure knows how to choose his friends” James laughs lightly and Niki smiles.

“He could choose worse. At least we don’t have the class clown or the bully as a son.”

“True” James adds and kisses nikis cheek. Running his hand up and down nikis arm.

“Come to bed” he whispers in nikis ear.

“James…not tonight I’m tired and kimi..”

“Kimi wont wake, he’s dead to the world . The zombie apocalypse could befall us and he wouldn’t budge. Come on Niki. I need you, its been awhile”

Niki can’t argue with either of James points , he sighs and stands.

“Alright, come on then”

Once in there own room with the door firmly closed behind them. James pushes Niki lightly onto the bed and falls onto him. They laugh and kiss one another, caressing each other’s chests and running there hands threw one another’s hair.

They are experienced lovers and Niki needs no gentle preparation or soft encouragement. Some lube and the right position on his back with his legs spread wide enough and James slides into him.

It’s still as wonderful as always. James long thick cock spreading him open, caressing his inner walls and teasing his prostate. Niki will lazily stroke himself as James grunts and moans in ecstasy above him. Then James hips will loose their rhythm and Niki will tense instinctively around him. As James comes Niki throws his head back and relishes the feeling of white hot heat seeping into him he cries out and releases between there bodies. 

James falls onto him still buried deep within him. Its only a momentary rest James can go many times once he’s started and all he needs is that moment to breath before his cock will stiffen again inside Niki and Niki will lay beneath him riding out James insatiable desires and loving every minute. 

However before James can start again, they hear footsteps in the hall and the door creeks as is begins to open. James pulls out of Niki who winces in pain at the violent withdrawal. James quickly wraps sheets round them both and makes attempts to wipe nikis chest of come.

Kimi sneaks his head round the door and peers at them.

“I heard noises….” his little voice echo’s into the room. James sighs and looks at Niki who glares up at him.

“Sleep threw the apocalypse would he? Hmmm” James looks down at him sheepishly and mouths “sorry”.

Kimi starts to walk towards the bed but James outstretches his hand.

“wow kimster. You know you cant sleep in hear now. Your to old, we had this talk remember? Me and Isa niki need adult time at night”

Kimi looks at them with tired yet frightened eyes.

“But why? What where you doing to Isa Niki? I heard him scream…did you hurt him? If you hurt him ill hurt you!.”

Kimi fixes James with a very frightening stare and James wants to laugh at his innocence but cant as kimi actually strikes fear into him with that look. Niki however flushes bright red and covers his eyes with his hand and groans.

“Isa James …was giving me a massage. You know like the physio does, my back hurts from the plane seat that’s all. We are sorry you got woken up now back to bed . You have school tomorrow”

Kimi glances at James and then back to Niki, he accepts the story but still doesn’t budge.

“Kimi, come on now back to bed” James tries but kimi shakes his head absolutely defiant.

“nooo” he wines “ I want to stay here!”

Niki sighs “just…stay there a moment then” he gets up with the sheet around him leaving James to cover his own dignity with his hand.

“James” Niki gestures and James follows him to there on suit bathroom. Kimi giggles as he catches sight of James rear end.

“manners young man!” James calls out to him.

“I seen your bum!!” kimi calls back and Niki laughs. The two take a quick shower and retrieve some underwear. Niki gathers new fresh sheets from the wardrobe and changes the bed , all three settle in Kimi between James and Niki. 

Once they are sure hes asleep James nudges Niki.

“What?” Niki mumbles half asleep.

“im putting a lock on that door!” James hisses back in a hushed tone , he can feel nikis laughter.


	11. "I'm a mess"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kimi struggles with separation, change and the recent development of a violent unpredictable temper.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter11.jpg.html)

Kimi was less sluggish the second morning of his new school term. Although as predicted he still forgot his trousers. Trudging down stairs in just his shirt once again.

When he reached the kitchen Niki was on the phone , he grinned widely at kimi and kimi listened in.

“ja…ja, hes here. Yeah just up. Hes still getting the hang of mornings…ja….he’d love that!”

Kimi went about getting his breakfast still listening in on the phone conversation that he figured was probably about him. Niki approached and held out the receiver.

“For you” he winked. Kimi took it looking confused the held it to his ear.

“hallo?” there was a little silence then a muffled little voice came through the receiver.

“kimi?” kimis eyes went wide and his face brightened up , he grinned madly.

“Nico!! Ow Nico..I miss you so much! I started school yesterday, I don’t like it. When are you home? I want you to come to Finland!”

Niki smiled at kimi and shook his head before going about fetching is own breakfast. James entered the kitchen and listened in , looking amused.

“Kimi…I miss you to. I am so lonely here, mum makes me play tennis now. I like tennis but I wanna race you. Why cant your Isa race anymore? Then we could see each other!”

“Isa niki is to busy now to race. He owns airplanes! Big huge ones! And he has littler ones to! Your mum could bring you back…why cant you just live here!”

Kimi’s voice sounded pleading , James stopped smiling. Niki looked over at him concerned.

“mumma wants to stay close to fadder, she wont move back home! I asked, I ask every day! I started school last year I don’t understand anything they speak different! …They bully me”

Kimi fists clenched, James moved a little closer.

“ill beat them for you! You warn them, you tell them if they don’t stop your friend will kick their arses!” 

James went to take the phone and kimi jerked away.

“language kimi!” James chided . Kimi glared at him and walked away with the phone.

“You cant though, your to far away!” Nico whined.

“Nico if they hurt you ill kill them! I promise!” Nico chuckled a little and that made kimi feel a little better.

“I have to go now, bye… iceman”

kimi’s smile faded and he clutched the receiver a little tighter.

“Bye prince Nico” the next voice he heard was keke.

“moy kimster, how’s life in Finland? How’s school?” kimi held the receiver away from his ear and handed it to Niki without a word and disappeared to his room. Niki gave the phone to James so he could follow him.

“Hey keke its James, kimi’s just as difficult as ever I do apologies, how’s the season? How’s Nico and sina?”

Whilst James finished the phone call Niki approached kimis room. The door was shut out he knocked lightly.

“Kimi? Kimster?” there was no answer.

“Kimi are you getting ready for school buba?”  
Niki could hear muffled sounds coming from inside. He opened the door and kimi was face down on the bed face in his arms, his back heaving as he sobbed gently. Niki rushed to him and sat on the bed rubbing soothing circles into his back.

“Kimi ..what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

Kimi sobbed and chocked out “I, I cant, help..Nico” he hiccupped “cause..he’s so far away!”

Niki shhh’ed him and caressed his hair.

“ow kimi, Nico is fine”

“No!” kimi yelled looking up at Niki his eyes a violent red , face stained with tear trails. 

“No you don’t understand! You all did his! All you adults! you didn’t care what we wanted! You didn’t care! You never asked us! Nico wants to come home!”

Niki pulled kimi towards him and held him against his chest.

“I cant bring Nico back for you kimi. Im sorry. His parents did what was best, just like we try to do for you. You’ll see him again, I promise you will. I promise” 

Kimi’s tears where soaking niki’s shirt “I hate you all” kimi spat and pushed Niki away. He stormed to the bathroom and when he emerged he had his shoes and trousers on he grabbed his backpack and walked outside waiting by the car refusing to speak or look at his parents. Niki approached slowly James grabbed his arm and pulled him aside.

“what’s up with kimi?” 

“He said he hated us , all of us. As in all us adults, he blames us all for separating him from Nico” James raised a hand to his temple.

“ah Nico, its always about Nico. God what is wrong with this kid? You think he be over that by now!”

Niki glanced over at kimi and his shoulders fell, he was slowly giving up trying with kimi. He was so unpredictable and it was getting worse with age.

“He was the only friend he ever had James, and our lives and careers meant kimi lost him. Some things can’t be replaced” 

Niki walked off and started the car. Kimi climbed in the back folding his arms and gazing out the window. James got in last after a moment contemplating nikis words. He worried; he didn’t want his son to be a social outcast, attaching himself to just one friend.

The drive to school was silent, even James and Niki didn’t speak. Once at the gates kimi got out of the car without so much as a good bye. 

Kimi walked past the children in the playground eyes cat downwards not meeting anyone’s gaze. He walked over to the oak tree and sat there staring out at them all wishing Nico was with him. Footsteps approached and he looked up, bright green eyes stared back at him.

“moy” lauri said as he sat next to kimi.

“Why are your eyes red? “ he added. Kimi shrugged in response.

“Lauri?” kimi added after a long silence.

“Yeah?”

“How did your parents die?” lauri looked off into the sea of children and made a displeased face.

“They had a ski accident”

“Do you miss them?” kimi added.

“I don’t think so, it was along time ago. I don’t remember them” lauri looked at him and kimi stared back.

“Why do you have two dads?” lauri continued.

“What do you mean?” 

“Well…everyone has a mum and a dad, don’t they?” kimi thought that over for a moment.

“no. everyone has a different family. And besides I don’t want a mum. Mums take you away so they can follow the dad and you have to go with them even if you don’t want to . Like my friend Nico, his mum took him away because of his dad. Two dads are better”

Lauri shrugged.

“Ok”

The bell rang lauri groaned.

“I don’t like this. I just wanna go home”

“me to” kimi agreed. They walked slowly side by side towards their teacher and the rest of the class. The day passed much the same as the one before. Lauri gazed out the window and kimi sat with his head on one arm not really paying attention.

The day became more eventful when play break started. This time kimi and lauri where forced to play outside with everyone else. A group of boys instantly made lauri a target approaching him and cornering him against a wall. At first it was just taunts then they prodded his shoulder when he failed to respond. 

Eventually it turned into a scuffle, three boys tore his shirt from his torso the other grabbed his hair and forced his head back violently, he took a fist to the gut and the face, eventually lauri got thrown to the concrete, kimi watched in horror as he hit the ground with such force that he recoiled in pain the side of his face instantly started bleeding. 

Kimi saw red and snapped the last thing he recalled was the crunching and snapping of bone and the pleading cries of the offenders. He didn’t think, he just acted. All that kept going through his head was Nico and how he couldn’t help him, but he could help lauri.

Niki and James rushed through the school corridors to wards the headmaster’s office. When the reached the right corridor they saw kimi sat outside a large door on a plastic blue chair , he was covered in dust and dirt, his hair a mess and his lip split open. Niki rushed to him James walked slowly disappointment and anger getting the better of him.

“Kimi! What have you done!” Niki yelled. Kimi wouldn’t meet his gaze. The door opened and Mr. hakala appeared looking rather stern.

“mr lauda, mr hunt. A word please” they followed the headmaster into his office leaving kimi sat outside.

Niki sat James refused and remained standing.

“I regret to inform you both that kimi has very violently attacked no less that five students. I do admit that he was defending another student whom the five had been subjecting to a rather horrific ordeal, however here we do not tolerate such behavior and kimi has done the most damage and the extent of his actions was brutal. We wish for all participants involved in todays actions to be excluded from the school.”

Niki bit his bottom lip, something he only did when he was concerned or incredibly angry. James figured it was the latter and placed a hand on his shoulder to try and provide him with some kind of calming presence.

“How …violent. Are we walking? What exactly transpired?”

mr hakala took a deep breath “kimi has Brocken one boys nose , fractured another boys knee and Brocken the fingers and the collar bone of the others. We think that it was a reaction to seeing one of our other student, Lauri ylonen being subject to some form of bullying. Kimi hasn’t given his side of the story, he’s said nothing. He wont speak and so we can only go on the testimony of other children present, also lauri himself was to badly injured in the commotion to give his side of things either. I am sorry to you both but all the boys are to be excluded. We hope kimi has success else where” James didn’t reply and walked away Niki stood and followed.

“You” James said staring down at kimi and trying to contain his anger

“Get to the car . You are in so much trouble”

Kimi stood and marched off. Niki brought both hands to his head and took a few deep breaths. James was thankful Niki hadn’t erupted, Niki was far more formidable force than himself when he lost it.

Before they could follow kimi outside a team of medical workers rushed by them with a stretcher. Niki and James looked on as they wheeled a small boy with black hair down the corridor with various breathing apparatus and tubes attached to him. 

“Take kimi home. Im going to the hospital”

“But niki..”

“Just go James! Its not like the boys grandparents will get there anytime soon. And besides I want this kids side of the story. Whatever kimi did, he didn’t do it for no reason”

James didn’t argue any further he walked to the car and Niki phoned a taxi for the hospital stopping off at lauri’s grandparents home on the way. 

When James got in the car he met kimis eyes in the front mirror.

“I’m a mess” kimi mumbled weakly, James felt sick to his stomach looking his son over. He was filthy yes but he didn’t think that was what kimi was referring to.


	12. Save me once again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some people cant be forgotten , other's cant be replaced.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter12.png.html)

The taxi dropped Niki off at the secluded hut, he informs the driver to wait. And walks up the pathway. When he reaches the house he peers through one of the windows. Everything is eerily still. The interior looks old and unkempt , there is dust coating every surface and the couches are covered with old sheets.

It looks like no one lives there. Niki is momentarily concerned. He chaps the door. No answer. He tries again more firmly. Still no answer.

His hand grasps the wooden door handle he hesitates and starts to turn it.

“moy!” Niki jumps clutching his chest and swinging round to met with the sight of mika.

“FUCKING HELL!!!” he screams. “What the fuck mika! You nearly gave me heart failure! Don’t creep on people!”

Mika looks at him confused. “You de one trying to break into an abandoned house! Who is creeping? Not me! tis you!”

Niki opens his mouth to continue ranting but then it hits him ‘abandoned house’?

“What…wait? Abandoned? But..I dropped kimis friend of here…just yesterday…he even went inside”

Mika looked confused for a moment , then he raised his hand and said “oooooo yes I know”

Niki leaned slightly to the side arm on his hip “know what? I am not psychic mika!”

“Lauri? hes from da orphanage. His family live here long time, not now they are all dead, he breaks in sometimes”

The air hung heavy between them for what seemed like an eternity. Niki looked shocked and concerned. He darted back down the path to the waiting taxi.

“Where are u going!” mika called after him.

“Come with me! Move NOW!” Niki yelled back. Mika shrugged and jogged after him.

When they arrived at the hospital and Niki gave details of the child he was looking for there was a lot of commotion and nurses telling him to wait whilst they checked if a child had even been admitted. Mika served as translator as Niki’s Finnish was rusty now that kimi was tri lingual and could use German and English. Eventually after 2 hours a doctor approached.

“moy, I understand your are enquiring about Lauri ylonen? “

Niki nodded “I need to talk to him, its concerning my own son. And also I wish to know if he is alright” the doctor smiled but shook his head.

“I am sorry , but it seems lauri was moved to another hospital. Also he’s under the care of the Finnish state as he is an orphan so I cannot give you nay further information. I do apologize”

Mika looked at Niki and cut in “but he is ok, ya?” the doctors face said more than any words could.

“I can’t say anymore really. But he should be all right, with time. Excuse me gentlemen”

The doctor left. Niki felt like he’d just entered some strange parallel universe where everything was surreal and nothing made sense anymore. He dropped slowly down into one of the waiting room seats and instantly went deathly pale. He could hear mikas voice, it sounded concerned but he couldn’t make out the words. Last thing he saw was black, he could here someone screaming for help.

When Nikis eyes opened he was met with a blinding white light he grimaced and brought a hand to his face. He could hear a voice again eventually the haze cleared and he could see.

“Isa, Isa please wake up…im sorry.” A tiny pained voice was calling to him.

“Kimi , kimi darling come away. Its ok I am here, Niki will be ok. Mika take him please”

Niki wanted to yell , no!. But couldn’t he didn’t want kimi taken away from him. He could hear the sobbing and kimi calling to him. His son needed him, why couldn’t he move? What was going on!

Next he could feel a strong presence next to him, James. James rested a hand on his arm. Niki felt a drop of water hit his face. James was crying? James never cried. Only those few times…after nurburgring.

“Niki, I never thought id see you in hear again. God I didn’t even know you where ill. Why would you hide it?”

im not ill arsloch! Niki wanted to yell but still he couldn’t. 

“Why Niki? Why don’t you trust me? What have I done….what about kimi?”

Another voice cut in, a voice Niki hadn’t heard for almost two years. 

“James big fella , I don’t think Niki knew nuthin” it was Mario Andretti. Niki couldn’t even begin to comprehend how he had ended up in Finland. Niki felt his whole body warm up, he really liked Mario. It made his spirit lift to here his voice.  
“How could he not know! And he isn’t a heavy drinker….i just don’t understand” James voice got weaker towards the end. Drinker? What did that have to do with anything? Niki thought. 

“kidneys fail for all kinds of reasons….and besides niki’s tanned from all dem years at kylama ranch you wouldn’t notice a change in his skin tone from it”

Kidney failure?! Niki was pretty sure he’d have heart failure next from the shock. And as if the heart monitor could read his mind it started to beep with slightly more urgency. 

“Niki? Niki! Mario get a nurse! Help! Nurse help!” James voice bellowed throughout the room . Niki wanted to yell at him to shut up and that he was giving him a head ache.

The monitor calmed as the nurse came in. Niki could feel her examining him. She turned down whatever drug was coursing through his system.

“It may just have been the medication. He should come to now, we will be putting him on dialysis later today until we find a suitable donor kidney”

The thoughts of living in a parallel universe hit Niki once again. He wasn’t sure how much time passed but eventually the strange numb feeling began to wear off and his tongue felt like it might work.

“James? James are you still there?” he croaked. He heard a door swing open and rushed footsteps then James face came into view.

“Niki? Jesus Niki, there you are.” James stroked his face lovingly and Niki smiled.

“What happened? Where’s kimi. I want to see kimi” the hand on his face made its way into his hair massaging his scalp.

“it seems like….you’ve been ill awhile Niki. But I never knew I never noticed im so sorry. Kimis with mika, its best for now, he can’t see you like this . Not after today and what happened at the school”

All the days events started to come back to Niki, but one thought lingered. He was not aware of being ill.

“James I didn’t know I was sick…what’s happening you have to tell me. what’s wrong with me?”

James looked away as if struck by a sudden jolt of pain. He screwed his eyes shut tightly fighting fresh tears.

“You…both your kidneys have failed. Remember you complained you where having those terrible side pains and that you where always thirsty? That you where having trouble using the bathroom? That it stung? Well…this is why. We never even made you see a doctor Niki. I didn’t make you….its all my fault . I know how stubborn you are, how much u can tolerate pain. You need a transplant…quickly”

Niki grasped James neck and forced him to look at him.

“Or else what? Be straight with me. If its not done quickly….”

Tears fell from James eyes. He choked out a single sob.

“you’ll die” 

In the doorway, out of ear shot a tiny figure clutching a white moomin teddy watched his two fathers embracing silhouetted by the soft lights of the streetlamps and the moon that shone out the hospital room window. Both his friends where gone and he stared at all he had left in the world. 

Tiny footsteps patted across the floor, Niki felt the bed dip and a weight fall onto his chest, between him and James. Kimi felt a strong arm on his back and smaller hand in his hair, two sets of lips against his forehead. He dreamed of the starfire lighting the sky and Niki and James they’re watching it with him.


	13. lost without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi meets the super swede , and learns some valuable lessons in friendship.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapyer13.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter13.jpg.html)

The dialysis isn’t painful but it is certainly uncomfortable. In the fresh evening light James can finally see everything he was missing, the yellow tinge to Nikis skin , the dark patches under his eye lids and the angry veins creeping into the whites of his eyes . He looks ill, he looks very ill. 

The good news is Niki’s younger brother is a donor match; the bad news is he doesn’t seem keen on saving Niki. James was furious and his outburst over the phone didn’t help matters. Nikis brother eventually stopped answering James calls. Niki slowly deteriorated.

News of niki’s illness had spread and he and James where both overwhelmed by the amount of support he received. Almost every driver or friend of his and James took a test to see if they would match so they could donate a kidney to Niki. Keke, Mario, Jackie, Emerson, mika, and more. Sadly , none of them where able to help. James whished with all his heart his test results would come back a match, but they didn’t.

Kimi spent most of is time with mika. He hated being left out of things, but on the plus side he was on indefinite leave from school, due to his expulsion and Nikis illness . On that front he was hardly complaining.

His mind often wandered to thoughts of Nico but then another face entered his mind. What had happened Lauri? He knew him barely forty-eight hours and they’d been separated. That boy left a mark on kimi, a deep mark he doubted he’d ever forget his tear stained face gazing out the window at school or his cries of pain as he had hit the concrete of the schoolyard. Kimi hoped one day he’d see that boy again. He was desperate to see Nico.

When Mika was busy one evening preparing lunch for him, kimi had gazed down the path and seen a young man running towards the door. He didn’t recognize him. The knocking was so loud kimi thought the door might fall in with the force!

“oi ! oi! Leave my door on!” mika called and rushed to answer, kimi giggled. Mika had a funny accent, even for a Finnish guy.

When the door swung open and very tall handsome young man stood with shoulder length blonde hair, full cheeks and shimmering blue eyes. He waved a paper around in his hand.

“I match! Mika! I match with Niki!!!” kimi jumped off the sofa and practically screamed at the new comer.

“You can save him? Please! Please! Please give him your kidney! Please!” he got so worked up he started to tear up. The stranger approached him and knelt on front of him.

“Hi there. Calm down, breath. Like this,” the young man exhaled in and out slowly kimi copied him ans started to calm down “that’s a good boy. Kimi right? You don’t know me, we have never met , but I know your dads . I used to be Nikis team mate! And guess what?”

Kimi’s eyes went wide with wonder “what?” he whispered.

“I am going to give Niki my kidney and he’s going to be just fine! And he will come home to you. Would you like that?”

Kimi thought that was a very stupid question but he nodded furiously anyway.

The stranger stroked his cheek lightly.

“Good. That’s settled then! Im Ronnie, please to meet you Mr Kimi”

Kimi noted that this guy’s accent might actually be stranger than mikas but he liked him. He liked him a lot. Kimi looked at mika who winked at him. Kimi started to play with the zip on Ronnie’s jacket eyes cast down at the floor and Ronnie patted his back gently.

“hes a little heart breaker isn’t he?” Ronnie spoke turning over his shoulder to meet Mikas eyes.

“mmm he knows it to I think!” they laughed and kimi furrowed his brow. 

“Look! That’s a Niki face! See it?! Niki does that face!” they continued laughing and Kimi smiled. His fathers had good friends, but that also made him sad as he his thoughts drifted back to Nico and Lauri . When would he make a friend? Someone all his own?

Kimi was used to adult company now. He didn’t interact well with kids his own age. James picked him up one morning to go and visit Niki at the hospital. The car journey was quiet until they passed a schoolyard full of kids and kimi grimaced at them through the car window.

“Kimi? Son?”

Kimi looked at him expectantly.

“Don’t you want to go to school and make friends and play and have fun? Like all the other kids? Why did you do it kimster? Why did you attack those boys?”

They hadn’t spoken about the incident as Niki had fallen ill and all focus had been on him. But now James needed to seize this moment alone with his son to figure out what the hell was going on in his little mind.

“I don’t know” was all kimi said. He watched as disappointment crossed James face . He hated that look. So he decided he needed to give some kind of answer.

“They hurt him. I didn’t like it. I don’t like school. I don’t want friends. I want Nico….and lauri back”

James grip on the steering wheel tightened slightly. He was tense and stressed and he couldn’t help Niki or there son. He felt useless. There was nothing he could do.

Kimi watched his body language and internally he panicked thinking, James might actually blame him for everything. Suddenly and awful thought crossed his mind, what if they don’t want me anymore? What if I made Niki sick? .

Kimi started to bubble up in the car. His lip trembled and his little frame shook as he started to cry. James shocked by the sudden outburst of emotion pulled the car over.

He reached out to kimi and undid his seat belt pulling the little boy into his lap and cradling him.

“shh, sweetheart. It’s alright. Niki is gong to be fine, you’ll be fine to. You’ll see . it will all be ok . Don’t cry son”

Kimi clutched hit his shirt. And murmured “im sorry” over and over. 

“No kimi. Don’t be sorry, none of this is your fault. Im sorry buba, im sorry I didn’t pay more attention to you, im sorry we haven’t visited Nico, we will I promise. Im sorry I didn’t take better care of Niki. Im so sorry son”

Kimi was to young to comprehend the gravity of what was being said to him, all he understood was that they where both sorry so maybe that would make it all ok.

He pulled away and looked into James eyes “I love you Isa, I love Isa Niki to, please don’t ever leave me” James smiled weakly his own eyes filled with tears.

“We love you more than anything kimi. You’re our world. We’d be lost without you. We will never leave you”

Kimi hugged him and scrambled back into his own seat.

James winked at him and re started the car. When they arrived at the hospital Niki had already received the good news from Ronnie. James held kimi’s hand as the walked through the doors of Nikis room. He saw Ronnie cradling him as they both wept into each other’s shoulder. James panicked and lifted kimi into his arms as they approached the two. Ronnie passed Niki over to James and took kimi from him. James held Niki tightly and kimi held onto Ronnie, arms wrapped round his neck legs dangling off his hip. He wasn’t as tall as James .

“What is it Niki? What happened?”

“im giving him a kidney. And just in time. Hes going to be ok James.” 

James looked up at Ronnie shock written all over his face. Ronnie smiled.

“What are friends for yeah?” James beamed and held Niki closer.

“You’re an angel Ronnie fucking Peterson! A fucking angel!”

“oi! Language! There be children present!” kimi recognised that accent. Thick and strange he looked over Ronnie’s shoulder and saw a short slim man with a tartan cap and tartan trousers. 

“Jackie!” Niki gasped pulling away from James. Jackie smiled warmly at him then behind him another familiar face appeared.

“keke?! What…why are you all here?” Keke grinned and a tiny head popped out from behind his leg . Kimi practically leapt out of Ronnie’s arms and the room of men watched as two little blonde heads collided in their urgency to grab onto one another. Both fell to the floor. Laughter echoed throughout the hospital suit.

Kimi was pinned under the weight of Nico but he didn’t care. This was the best moment ever and he never wanted it to end.


	14. Life, Lies and Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi re kindles his bond with Nico. Ronnie gives Niki a priceless gift , and James discovers he didn't know one of his friends as well as he thought he did.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter14.jpg.html)

Ronnie is wheeled into niki’s room on a hospital bed and place beside Niki. the doctors give them a moment together. James watches from outside through the glass windows. 

Ronnie reaches for niki’s hand. They’re thin and cold. Nikis lost weight, his hair has thinned slightly, his eyes are sunken and he looks frail and tired. Ronnie strokes the back of his hand with his thumb.

“hey super rat”

“hi super swede” Ronnie laughs lightly .

“See you on the other side” it’s not a question, it’s a statement. And Niki nods. 

“Thank you Ronnie, you’re saving my life. I owe you” Ronnie shakes his head and moves his hand to Niki shoulder.

“You pulled me out of that car Niki. Id be dead myself without you. I know you always pay your depts. But if you must, please consider us even. your my best friend . “

The nurses arrive and Niki watches as they sedate Ronnie. As Ronnie’s eyes close and the tubes are inserted into his arms and down his throat Nikis heart sinks. He doesn’t have enough time to consider what he’s putting Ronnie through, he feels Ronnie had no choice in the matter and curses his brother for not agreeing to be his donor. Guilt is the last thing he feels as sleep washes over him and the last thing he sees is golden blonde hair and a young handsome sleeping face. 

James paces the waiting room. Mika, keke, Jackie and Mario are all present. Sina sits on the floor entertaining the boys, kimi made such a fuss when she attempted to take him away with Nico that James had to cover his mouth and promise he could stay. The screams woke the whole ward and the tantrum he through almost made James think he was possessed. He clammed as quickly as he blew up , kimi knew exactly how to play the game. He had a monstrous temper.

Nico was sat so close to him that keke thought he’d end up in kimis lap. They where zooming cars round the floor under their legs and over each others backs and arms. Occasionally Nico would wind his little fingers in Kimis hair. Nico chuckled when kimi drove his car round his head.

“That tickles kimi!” sina looked strangely at them both. Then at keke who looked away from her. Mario seemed to notice and made an awkward face at mika. 

“Right boys! What are we playin, good ole uncle Jackie wants in!” Jackie lowered himself onto the floor his back creaking, which made kimi smirk.

“Your old! You can’t race!” 

“I beg your pardon laddy! Im a world champion! Super fast I was!” this made James stop in his tracks and laugh loudly.

“Yeah you and your bath tub! Like how long ago was this Jackie? The stone age?” 

All the men laughed and looked at one another Jackie mocked being offended, placing a hand over his heart and faking a shocked expression.

“James hunt! I am ashamed ! In the words of Niki Lauda ‘you English your such assholes!’” the room erupted into even greater laughter , kimi looked at Nico confused , Nico shrugged and they smiled . 

Kimi held out a car to Jackie who took it and patted his head.

“cheers you , lil lad . Now let me show you and young rosberg how its done! Aye!” Nico shuffled foreword and kimi put his arm around him. Jackie lined up the cars and started telling them a long story about when he was a little boy and wanted to race, mika rolled his eyes and nudged keke.

“We be here awhile, eh! Jackies gonna tell us a story!” keke rolled his eyes and fell lower into his seat. No one noticed as Sina glared dagger at mika.

“Save us!” keke mumbled swatting Mario with a rolled up magazine.

“yo I’m good fellas , I don understand a word that Scottish fella says!” James grinned. And looked at the clock. Three hours Niki had been in surgery Ronnie had been moved to recovery after two.

A nurse entered the room and all went silent, even kimi and Nico instantly froze and looked up at her.

“James hunt?”

“Thats me. what’s going on? What’s happening?” she smiled reassuringly at him.

“Mr. Peterson is conscious and doing well. Mr. Lauda has just been moved to recovery we will be placing him on drugs so his body doesn’t reject the new kidney. You can see him in a few hours, everything went smoothly there was no complications”

The tension that seemed to enter the room quickly vanished like someone letting air out of a tire. James tense shoulder fell and he let out a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding.

“Thank you. Thank you so much.! Please let me know when I can see him”

“Of course. For now maybe you might want to go home and get some sleep? They are both in good hands. We cant permit you to see Mr. Peterson either as its late. But first thing in the morning they can both receive visitors”

James nodded and the nurse left.

“Ok little soldier, time for us to go get some sleep. Isa Niki is fine and so is uncle Ronnie. We will see them in the morning”

Kimi stood abruptly fists clenched making Nico jump in fright “no! I want to see him now!” . Jackie patted his back soothingly.

“now , now laddy. Your dad needs time to get better after his surgery, you heard the nice lady you can see him first thing in the morning!”

“ya be good now kimster, Isa James needs his bed.” Mika added. 

“Come on kiddo , Niki is ok lil man. “ Mario also stepped in seeing how fatigued James was and how little strength he had left after the last tantrum.

Kimi went silent, his cold eyes starred out at the men in the room. He seemed determined not to give in when Nico yawned and tugged his sleeve.

“kimi im tired , I want to go to bed . mumma can I stay at kimis house?” sina smoothed some of nicos white blonde hair out of his eyes and shook here head then keke stepped in.

“Will you take care of Nico for me tonight kimi?” Keke always had a way with kimi. Mostly because Kimi was slightly afraid of him ,Kimi looked down at Nico and nodded.

“Good boy , I know your big and strong and wont let anything scare him” he winked and kimi puffed out his chest a little . James mouthed a ‘thank you’ at him. Sina looked furious.

Kimi took James hand and Nico took his and they left together. James tucked both boys into kimis spacious double bed under his marvel superheroes duvet and kimi handed Nico the once white moomin teddy. Nicos little eyes lit up.

“my moomon!! “ he hugged him close and kimi smiled.

“You left and took my one by accident!”

Nico giggled “I have him! He sleeps beside me at night, hes called kimster.” Nico handed the white moomin back to kimi.

“You have him and ill keep kimster. And then when we are lonely we will talk to them and they pass on the messages to each other” kimi smiled and cuddled the teddy.

“I would talk to him everyday then”

“Me to” nico agreed. James felt his eyes start to sting as he peered in on them through the doorway. 

“kimi ? you will always be my best friend. No matter how far away”

“you will be mine to Nico”

“Love you” Nico added in a sleepy voice.

“Love you Nico, forever” 

“Forever…” Nico trailed off and the room went silent. James sat outside for what seemed like hours. The sun started to come up and a soft glow crawled along the hallway floor. When James re entered kimi’s room he didn’t have the heart to wake him or Nico. Nico was snuggled into kimis chest kimis arm round him and his hand on kimi’s shoulder. Both their hair was messy and sweaty. 

James kissed both their heads and left the door ajar making his way down stairs. Some time later The door went.

James opened it and initially thought no one was there then sina appeared from the side and looked at him awkwardly.

“sina…hi. Uh Nico is still asleep im afraid but come in”

“no James its ok. I just needed a word” James stood in the doorway.

“uh…ok?”

“Its about the boys. I need to be honest I think kimi thinks you and Niki is …a normal thing. He was strange with Nico, always hugging him and ..touching him. I didn’t want to visit again this time really. I want Nico with me in Monaco, I want him to be German . Not Finnish or exposed to …you and Niki. I just mean that after this kimi and Nico shouldn’t see each other again” 

James could feel his blood boiling in his veins. He kept his cool. He had more important things on his mind than this woman and her sudden prejudices.

“You’re a serious nasty piece of work sina. We thought you adored kimi. And firstly this IS normal for kimi. Secondly its actually your boy hugging and touching our boy maybe you should be less concerned about kimi and more so about Nico. And thirdly ill have this out with keke this conversation is over id be glad if you’d leave . My partner is, after all , in hospital recovering from a life saving surgery.”

Sina cut in again “ I do love kimi. Infact me and keke wanted him. But keke knew you where so desperate for a child. Its unnatural! And if I am honest again. You should give him up! He’s not a stable child, you seen those horrific tantrums and I heard what he did at school. He needs a mother you and Niki can’t give him what he needs your creating an unstable child!” 

James closed the door in her face and picked up his phone. He dialed the familiar number of the old Rosberg residence where he assumed sina and keke where staying during there visit. Keke answered.

“moy”

“keke, your wife’s outside my house . She claims myself and Niki are unfit parents and that Nico isn’t to see kimi again. Come get her before I do something I regret”

There was silence on the other side James could here keke breathing heavily.

“shit…James ill be right there. Look just so you know, me and sina aren’t good and she’s been weird lately . Anyway I need to discuss something with you. I was going to save it for later seeing as Niki is so ill but maybe now’s the time to get something off my chest. Ill see you in five”

Keke hung up and James could here the banging on his front door and sina screaming.

“Open this door now! I want my son . Ill call the police James!”

James dialed the hospital next. “Hello , yes its Mr Hunt can you please tell Mr Lauda that we will be at the hospital to see him around lunch time.”

“Yes sir no problem, his condition is good and he’s recovering well as is Mr Peterson” 

“Thank you, that’s wonderful.” 

James could hear the screeching of tires on the gravel outside he peered out the window and saw keke attempting to get sina into the car. She lashed out at him and screamed in his face. Then A little hand tugged his t shirt and he looked down at kimis sleepy face.

“Isa we’re scared we can hear lots of shouting, where Isa Niki? What’s happening…” kimi still looked half asleep. James gathered him into his arms and carried him back up stairs Nico was sat up in bed his lip petted and his cheeks stained with tears. James tucked them both in.

“its ok boys. Now both of you stay here and try and sleep some more or maybe read some of kimis books? The adults have some things they need to talk about. Don’t be frightened no one is going to hurt anyone and nothing bad has happened ok?”

James knew a few little white lies needed to be told. The boys nodded and he closed the bedroom door out tight. Keke appeared in the doorway. Having used his spare key.

“is she gone? I don’t want that women in my house!”

“yes she’s gone , she took the car. Im sorry James”

“What the hell is going on! I don’t need this keke!”

“I know, I know! But its complicated” keke couldn’t meet James eyes.

“un complicate it then!” James was beyond sympathy he was furious and tired and confused.

“When we left originally…it was because she caught me with someone else”

James relaxed slightly and urged keke to follow him into the living room. They sat across form each other and James urged him on.

“so….you cheated? …With who?”

Keke swallowed and stared at the floor he muttered a name, which James couldn’t hear.

“Sorry I missed that….”

“Mika!” . James nearly fell out of the chair.


	15. Beasts of the North

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> confessions are made and an adventure begins.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter15.jpg.html)

James mouth hangs open keke looks at him expectantly but James cant find the words.

“James? James come on I thought you’d understand!”

That snaps James back to reality. 

“What? , hold it there chap, just because I am gay and in a long term relationship means I would understand you cheating on your wife with ..a guy. And not just any guy, with Mika!?”

“you and Niki both did it!”

James stood and leaned over keke who instinctively shrunk into the couch.

“me and suzy where long over and Marlene had left Niki, DO NOT make this out to be the same . Because its not!”

“James I love mika!...” keke pauses like a bolt of lightning has just struck him “I love mika” he whispers again. James watches the realization cross keke’s eyes. He sinks to his knees on from of him.

“Keke…what about sina? What about Nico? You’re not thinking. You said this happened before you all left for Monaco? ..That was a few years ago! Mika hasn’t seen you! And keke…he’s a very young lad , mika , you cant assume he thought anything of your…encounter” James wished he was more eloquent , but it was early and Niki was still on his mind.

“no James you don’t understand…I was seeing mika, almost every other day whilst sina was. At the dentist with Nico , at the doctors with him or away with friends with him , seeing the girls some nights after she put Nico to bed! Anytime I could be alone! Mika would come round. I am ashamed of it James I know! My own son was asleep upstairs!. How could I do that to him? So we moved when she found out and she blamed you and Niki said it’s was some kind of strange influence you had on me. And we’d be fine away from you all, but we are not. were over James me and sina…its over and she’ll take Nico from me” keke brought his hands to his to face and sobbed. 

James rested a steady hand on his shoulder, keke was in the wrong entirely and he felt sorry for sina. She had suffered and her harsh words earlier where a result of that. She didn’t deserve to be treated this way. James didn’t know how best to support his friend but he had to tell him some truths.

“keke, you’ve been my friend for years, I respect you and I admire you and god knows I owe you . You found kimi , and he’s our world. But keke this is so wrong. What have you done? Your perfect family…the only son you will ever have? And sina, who adored you and was a brilliant mother and even helped us with kimi. And you did all this behind her back? Keke…why?”

Keke sobbed harder “I don’t know! James please…please help me”.

The clock on the wall struck eight am, the house was silent except for the man sobbing on front of James.

“Niki needs me. I have to go Keke , I am sorry I can’t help you . I can’t change what you’ve done. If it goes to court for Nico ill vouch that you’re a wonderful father you wont loose him . Don’t worry about that. Stay here , get a drink go for a sleep ill take Nico with me”

All keke could do was nod weakly. James trudged slowly upstairs and entered kimis room. He wasn’t repaired for what he saw. Nothing. The room was empty. The white moomin was gone along with some of kimis other ‘treasures’. His mini replica of Nikis Ferrari, his McLaren mini replica of James helmet. The sheets from his bed where gone, leaving only the heavy duvet. His torch was gone. The wardrobe door was ajar and as James breath started to catch he turned his head and saw that the Ferrari school bag was missing from the top shelf some clothes and shoes had been taken as well. 

James raced back down stairs screaming at the top of his lungs 

“KEKE!!!”

Keke appeared quicker than expected at gazed up at him with red swollen eyes.

“What James? What is it?”

James darted around franticly grabbing his coat car keys and shoes.

“James!” keke yelled at him.

“There gone! Kimi. Nico there gone! Kimis things are gone, they’ve got out! They’re gone!”

Keke raced upstairs and into kimis room. He checked the bathroom, James and nikis room even the spare rooms screaming Nicos names. There was no answer, as he was about to dart back downstairs he noticed kimis room window slightly ajar he pushed it open, directly bellow the window was the roof of the kitchen extension. They had gone out the window, onto the roof bellow and possibly shimmied down the drainpipes. 

Keke was suddenly horrified. He looked beyond the house to the quiet snow covered fields then the dense woods. He could see his and mikas house’s in the far distance. Nothing else moved. Everything was still . 

keke met James outside and got into the passenger seat of the 4 X 4 .

“The woods , they’ve gone to the woods they got out kimis window! They could have been gone for at least forty minutes!”

James rested both hands and his forehead on the steering wheel. Scrunching his eyes closed. His heart was pounding, his skull felt like it might split in half from pressure and he couldn’t breath.

“That boy! Keke I swear that boy…he’s trying to kill me! This is all my fault…ow god niki…this would finish him”

“We will find them! Just drive come on ! go now!”

James revved the engine and they sped of towards the woods. 

Kimi’s snow boots where a whole size to big for Nico and he moaned as he tripped for the millionth time.

“Kimi! There not working! They don’t go through the snow they just make me trip!”

Kimi stopped from where he was a few meters ahead and walked back grabbing nico’s hand and taking the spare backpack off him. So he was carrying both.

“Come on, its not that hard!”

Nico huffed displeased and started to follow again.

“Kimi where are we going?!”

“An adventure” kimi replied and smiled his face barely visible through his beany cap and scarf. His cheeks where already tinged red and his bright blue icy eyes shone even brighter in the crisp Scandinavian sunlight.

Nico made an attempt to smile then kimi watched as his eyes went wide with horror and he squealed pointing over kimis shoulder. Kimi spun round and his breath caught. A few feet away was a massive beast with huge flat strange horns. It was chewing lazily from a branch. Kimi looked a little closer, Nico grasping at his arm desperately.

“it’s a reindeer!” kimi chirped happily. He had seen them from the car window or in his back garden sometimes. But never this close.

Nico shimmied behind him and peered over his shoulder.

“Like santas?” 

“yeah! Just like santas! Maybe its one of them?” Nico jumped up and down behind him in excitement.

The huge beast lifted its head and spotted them. it looked kimi directly in the yes for a moment . He stood stalk still , then the creature averted its gaze and continued eating just then a smaller beast wandered right past them and made some strange noises trotting off towards the other larger beast.

“loooook” Nico pointed his finger and his face was the funniest thing kimi thought he had ever seen.

“A baby reindeer!!”

The two boys stood and watched them for a while. Eventually the creatures disappeared back into the forest. Nico took kimis hand once again and they continued on their ‘adventure’.


	16. Destination Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James an Keke search for there sons .

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter16.jpg.html)

The sun was setting and it was greeting colder. Nicos legs where tired and he clutched kimis hand tight through his mittens. His nose was cold and he was frightened, he wanted his mother. Nico trusted kimi blindly and without any real thought that running away to ‘be together’ would mean being out in the cold all alone just the two of them with no shelter and no food or drink.

“kimi..i..want..my ..mu….mumma..” Nico heaved trying not to cry his breath colouring the wind in little puffs off white. 

Kimi ignored him and held his hand tighter walking a little slower and squinting his eyes to see better. There where no roads, they where to deep into the woods now. There was no signs of human civilisation, no lights or the sound of traffic. It was still, quiet and cold. All that was before them was dense Finnish forest. 

The ground beneath there feed was a white blanket there snow boots leaving a trail of tiny footprints behind them. Kimi pushed on so sure he’d find that place he was looking for…and then ….

“There!” he pointed excitedly Nico looked in the direction he was pointing and through the trees in the distance he could see a small wooden cabin. 

“We are hear! Told you I’d find it! We will be safe and warm in there. Come on!”

Nico managed to smile feeling slightly less apprehensive now that they had apparently found what they where looking for.

The lake between the cabin and the forest was frozen solid.

Nico stopped at the edge of the forest and shook his head.

“No kimi im scared don’t make me do it…I wanna go home now. I don’t like this adventure”

Kimi held his hands in his own and squeezed.

“Nothing bad will happen. Ill protect you I promise. Look” he put one foot onto the frozen lake and tapped. The ice held.

“See! Its safe. Its all frozen.” Nico whined and tugged at kimi to come back towards the trees.

Kimi tugged back.

“Come on Nico! Please! We have to , you don’t want to be taken away again do you? You said your mum and dad always are mad at each other, you said you didn’t want to leave again. You said no more shouting that you want to just stay with me, you do want to stay with me don’t you?”

Kimi looked pleadingly at him. 

“im scared” Nico whispered weakly. Kimis features softened, his furrowed brow un knit and he pulled Nico close.

“its ok im here to protect you. Don’t be scarred”

Kimi walked onto the ice and took a few tentative steps. Nico watched him anxiously from the edge of the forest. When kimi was sure it was safe and the ice would hold he grinned back at Nico and gestured for him to follow.

Nico tapped the ice with the toe of his boot. The carefully placed one-foot onto it.

“That’s it come on! Almost there, walk to me Nico!”

Nico fixed his eyes on the ice and fanned his arms out either side of his body for balance, he wobbled slightly then took a few steps. He giggled and looked up at kimi triumphantly. He took another few steps and was almost at kimi he reached his hands out on front of him for kimi to catch him.

Nicos foot came down onto the ice and kimi heard a crunch, the other foot, another crunch. Then there was a crackling noise and kimi looked down between them, there was sharp zigzagging line through the ice . When Nico took one more step the line split off in all directions and kimi watched in horror as it split beneath Nicos feet and he disappeared into the frozen lake . Kimi screamed.

James and keke where running through the trees screaming both boys names at the top of there lungs. Darkness had fallen and the only good source of light came from their torches. James could make out tiny footprints every so often but they where getting covered by freshly fallen snow. 

James mind swam with thoughts of Niki and how he must be worried and how he’d be wondering why James hadn’t called or visited. Then he thought of kimi and how scarred he and Nico had seemed when sina had caused the commotion outside the house. 

“NICO!! KIMI!! WHERE ARE YOU?!”

“KIMI!! BOYS! CAN YOU HEAR US ? WHERE ARE YOU?!!” 

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

James spun on his heels and keke ran towards him, the cry echoed through the quiet forest James ran in the direction of the sound keke close behind both panting there lungs struggling to cope with there sudden burst of speed.

Kimi felt a pair of arms shove him out of the way and a small figure disappeared into the water, kimi was shaking and screaming frightened tears escaping his eyes . In the distance he could see two figures approaching.

James could see the small familiar outline of kimi in the middle of the frozen lake before him a huge sheet of ice was missing and the dark murky waters where visible. It didn’t take long for keke and James to realize that the one child who was missing had fallen into those dark waters. The cry that came from keke was bone shattering and made every hair on James body stand on end. Kimi spun and looked directly at James, James saw something in kimis eyes he had never seen before, pure fear. 

Keke made to lunge foreword and James stopped him grabbing him forcefully and wrestling him to the snow.

“no keke! Stop! You’ll fall in! Stop keke! “

“NICO! LET ME GO, THAT’S MY SON! …That’s my son” keke sobbed and stopped struggling over come with emotion. 

James watched helpless as his son stood stranded out on the ice. Then He looked on in horror as kimi looked him dead in the eyes and dived in.

“KIMI!!!!” James shrieked.

After what seemed like forever a head of soaked black hair appeared and a small shaky figure clambered onto the ice pulling with it an even smaller limp body. James could see that Nicos once pale complexion was blue , on his hair and eyelashes there had started to form small flakes of frost , the other child shook violently on the ice dripping wet. Kimi hadn’t re emerged, James felt his blood run cold in his veins then the black haired child reached back down into the water and pulled kimi out. James was sure he had momentarily died and been brought back to life after watching his son risk his life.

“lauri!” kimi gasped . There eyes met then they gazed down at Nicos lifeless form between them.

James forced keke back onto the snow after he began to struggle once more seeing the sight of his sons frozen body. James could only look on as kimi and Lauri took hold of nico’s frozen snowsuit and dragged him in there direction.

As soon as they where within reach James leapt onto the ice and grabbed kimi , keke swept Nicos body into his arms , James reached out and pulled the little black haired child to him as well rubbing both there backs furiously in an attempt to re start there circulation. They couldn’t waste time with scolding and shouting instead James gathered both the conscious boys into his arms and ran with them following keke who had gathered Nico under his coat. 

When they reached the 4 x4 James bundled both Kimi and Lauri into the back seat with multiple blankets around them and fastened them in , they where frozen shivering and soaked and Lauri was loosing consciousness. Kimis expression was distant and his fixed stare had James worried. Nico was in kekes lap in the passenger seat keke trying to coax him awake, pleading with him. James sped off in the direction of the hospital.


	17. 'Adopted'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi , and Lauri face a slow recovery, will nico survive? what about there fathers? and has someone been keeping a secret?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter17.png.html)

Keke darts across the hospital car part speeding through the automatic doors into the packed reception area of the hospital, screaming for someone, anyone to help him as he cradles a lifeless small body in his arms.

Lauri manages to walk slowly holding James hand with kimi balanced on his hip nuzzling weakly into his neck arms unable to grasp round James neck. 

A team of nurses wheel a stretcher towards Keke and prize Nico from his grasp he watches as a mask is inserted over his sons face and a doctor cuts through his wet snow suit to remove it and starts compressions on nicos small chest the nurse squeezing the bag attached to the mask. The doctor continues compressions, Keke stands there, motionless like a stone statue rooted to the spot unable to blink or speak or even breath. He can’t even react, as Nico is wheeled away disappearing through doors into a blinding white corridor. Then someone is pulling at him forcing him to follow them.

“Come with us! This way!” 

James watches the nurses lead Keke away through the same doors they had taken Nico through. Suddenly another team of nurses is upon him and two more stretchers arrive.

James watches them place kimi onto one a nurse smoothing his soaking wet hair out of his face and talking gently to him. they wrap him in what looks like some kind of aluminum foil after they quickly strip him of his wet clothes. James is still holding the small shaky hand of the other child. He gazes down at the black haired boy with sunken eyes, the hero. The one who’d saved kimi and Nico. The odd child from Kimis School. Hes small , weak looking all in black. 

James can only watch as a nurse takes his other hand and leads him away lifting him onto a stretcher and wheeling him off through a different set of doors. Soon the nurses are beckoning him to follow as well as they wheel kimi away.

The children’s ward is noisy and full of little ones with tubes attached to there noses or there arms or there chests, some look like cancer patients others simply have Brocken bones or have severe wounds. 

James is left in the waiting area with other anxious looking parents, and asked all the basic questions. He knew the more difficult ones would follow later probably from the police. 

He confirms he’s kimis father, confirms his age blood type nationality full name and even his favorite stories incase the nurses would need something to distract him with. He confirms that he knows Lauri but is no relation to him, an apologies’s for not being able to provide any further information on the child.

After a four-hour wait. He can see kimi. James rushes to his side. He’s wrapped up tight in thermals and the strange aluminum sheets his hair is dry his cheeks have some color, his lips are no longer blue. James bursts into streams of tears kissing his fine features and grasping handfuls of his hair.

Kimi cries and apologies’s in a confused rant of Finnish and English. James is only glad that he’s alive. He cant stop caressing him and kissing him, every other moment checking to make sure he’s real and he’s safe and that he’s alive.  
They are interrupted as another stretcher is wheeled in. a little boy wrapped up like Kimi but with soft tufts of long black hair. The bed is placed beside kimis. James strokes kimis arm and wipes his face standing from kimis bedside and walking towards the other child.

James looks down at the boy and smiles, big green eyes stare up at him.

“You saved them. Thank you. I owe you everything” James whispers tentatively moving some strands of hair out of his eyes. Lauri looks at him sadly and smiles back.

James watches as he shuts his eyes and turns his head away exhausted. James touches his hair softly once more and leaves him to sleep, returning to kimis bedside.

Suddenly Kimi starts sobbing wildly and apologizing again. James looks over his shoulder and catches site of Keke. 

“You put his life in danger, you almost killed him! You little animal!” Keke screams at kimi James stands quickly coming to kimis defense.

“Keke stop this! This isn’t the time!”

“He nearly killed Nico! He’s dangerous! We should have left you in the woods to freeze like your mother and father! We should have never let James and Niki raise an animal like you!” James can literally feel the air in the room turn cold. And though keke is still filled with rage even he knows he’s gone to far and regret instantly flashes across his face.

When James turns round, the look on kimis face breaks his heart.

“oh god James…I’m sorry” keke starts

“Get out” James spits through gritted teeth

“James…”

“GET OUT!” James literally pushes him out of the room. 

Within the hour the police arrive. Kimi refuses to speak to James after kekes outburst which only makes matters worse as they drag him off and question him.  
They ask why kimi wont see him, they ask all kinds of invasive questions. And then before James can even protest they request to speak with Niki. They wont let James explain the situation to him. The police adamant that James could conspire with Niki to cover something up. James had no choice but to let complete strangers inform his love what had happened to their son.

Over the next twenty four hours, a hysterical sina is informed and then questioned , mika is questioned . Niki and James aren’t allowed to see each other and are subjected to multiple different lines of questioning , as is keke. 

Fortunately the story from all sides adds up and the police accept that kimi and Nico, frightened by the tension amongst the adults, had hatched a plan to runaway and had escaped through the window of James house. After the house was checked and kimi was questioned the police considered the matter closed.

Kimi still refused to speak to James. Finally though, James could see Niki.

When he approached Nikis bedside, Niki was asleep. He looked tired and worn. He looked how James felt. James pulled a chair over silently and sat by him watching him. He tugged the white sheets slowly down Nikis body and lifted the hospital gown revealing the scar on Nikis abdomen. inside Niki was a part of Ronnie, the scar made James uncomfortable and made his chest tighten. He couldn’t save Niki and he had failed kimi. 

He drifted miles away staring blankly at the scar, then He felt calloused fingertips slowly caress his cheek he turned his head and gazed into the most beautiful deep blue eyes.

“Niki, Niki I don’t know what to say. Nothing would make this better, I’m so done Niki. I’m so, so done, I’m not strong enough for this. I can’t take anymore. I can’t do it” James lets the tears fall freely from his eyes.

“I failed”

Niki shook his head.

“Shut up asshole. Your not allowed to quit. I need you, kimi needs you”

“No Niki, he needs ‘you’ he hates me, Niki…god Niki he knows, he knows because keke got angry and shouted it at him . He shouted that kimi should have been left to die in the woods , to freeze like his parents and that we should never have raised him , he called him an animal!” 

James watched Nikis expression change from shock to denial to rage.

“ILL KILL HIM!” Niki screamed James having to pin him to the bed. 

 

The next day Nico is moved from intensive care to recovery. That week Sina contacts lawyers and files for divorce and full custody of Nico. Keke and Niki blew up at each other and Ronnie, still in a weak condition from the operation had to drag keke away.

Jackie and Mario assured James they’d calm Niki down and urged him to talk with kimi. Kimi wouldn’t even look at him. The orphanage retrieved lauri and took him away James watched kimis face fill with sadness as he waved goodbye to him. A few days later Niki is released from hospital. They go home together and plan how best to tell kimi the truth.

James had wanted to have this talk with Niki , keke and mika present when kimi was a little older so that they could all explain how he had come to be the son of two world famous racing drivers.

When kimi is released from hospital the drive home is silent and tense. Kimi storms into the house and thuds up stairs, James and Niki flinch as the door slams. 

Niki looks at James defeated “its time” James nods and they both slowly walk the stairs like two men about to face death row.

Niki enters first and kimi sits up in bed glaring at him. James follows and shuts the door.

“I hate you! I hate both of you! Leave me alone!” kimi yells at them but there is no real purchase to his words just a sad confused child unable to express what he’s feeling. James takes offense instantly, the words cutting like knives. Niki, sees things a little clearer. He approaches and sits on the end of the bed. James stands waiting for more of the backlash.

“Kimi, sweetheart, we have to talk to you. About the awful things uncle keke said and about what you’ve done”

Kimi glares at him, his chest heaving in anger. Niki remains calm, James has no idea how he does it.

“sweetheart, before I tell you this I want you to know that you are and always will be our son, and we love and adore you. But right now We are both incredibly angry at what you did, it was wrong but we understand that you love Nico and didn’t want to loose him again. Kimi all this madness lately, it has to stop! No more fights, no more running away, its stops now. We wont stand for anymore of it , we’ve been to soft with you. “ 

Nikis voice breaks and he looks to James for some kind of support but James cant get the words out.

“Kimi” Niki continues “tell me your favorite story” kimi looks at Niki confused , his blue grey eyes shimmering with tears that he refuses to cry.  
“The prince in the forest..”

“Come hear and ill tell you it again” kimi hesitates then moves to snuggle against Nikis chest , silently he outstretches his hand towards James who sits beside them both and holds his hand.

Niki begins, his voice filled with emotion.

“it was winter, the snow covered the ground. A beautiful women wandered alone in the woods. Her belly swollen, a baby growing within her. A prince. But the forest was cruel and the women got lost, for days and nights uncounted she wandered alone. Then the prince decided he wanted to see the woods and come into the world. When he did, his mother loved him instantly, and although she was lost she covered him in warm blankets and found him shelter. But the cold wind kept blowing, and it took her away. Her husband searched for her, he searched long and hard but the cold wind also took him away. The prince was all-alone. Then suddenly a fox appeared, it sniffed and sniffed and then went off to fetch one of the fauns, the faun took the little prince with him and the fox followed. The little prince lived high in the mountains with an angel, and the faun knew of a very special pair of creatures who could care of the little prince, the rat and the wolf. So the faun took them high into the mountains and the rat who was cold hearted and cruel felt his heart melt when he saw the beautiful little prince, the wolf who was reckless and wild felt himself becoming responsible and caring and both of them where filled with love. And so the prince went off to live with the rat and the wolf and he grew strong and handsome and was loved by all.”

James watched kimis face throughout the story, at times Nikis voice would crack and he would struggle to continue. Kimi who had heard the story a million times before seemed to listen that bit harder this time. As Niki finished kimi looked at them both from one to the other.

“Am I the prince?” kimi asked finally seaming to realize. Niki smiled.

“yes kimi. Yes you’re the prince”

Kimi snuggled closer to him and held James hand tighter.

“And you’re the rat…so Isa James is the wolf…and mika is the fox and keke is the faun….and the wind took my mumma away? And my Isa ? …Are they dead?”

James swallowed feeling a lump forming in his throat. Niki nodded silently.

“Yes kimi”

“So ill never see her again?”

“No kimi. But she’s always with you and so is your..” Niki faltered the words burning his throat “so is your … Isa, remember the northern lights?”

“The starfire?” 

Niki nodded again.

“Then I already seen them. That night with mika” tears rolled down Nikis cheeks silently. 

“James take him please” Niki passed kimi over to James and removed his tiny fists which where clutching his shirt. He had to leave the room it was to much for him , he was overwhelmed. Kimi became distressed and Niki disappeared quickly closing the door.

“ISA! ISA!” Kimi called after him.

James held him tight and finally the words formed on his tongue.

“Isa Niki is just a little sad. He’s sad because your parents had to leave you and because he thinks your sad and that your unhappy. We just want you to be happy kimi. We love you”

Kimi hugged him and James could feel his tiny fingers through his hair curling the strands round and round.

“Now you know the truth son.” 

“I don’t care.” Kimi mumbled, “I don’t care about them. I don’t know them, they’re not here! You’re my parents. Aren’t you?”

Kimi pulled away and looked at James pleadingly. his eyes swimming with questions and seeking answers.

“Yes, of course we are kimi! Were your fathers, fathers are people who love and protect you and teach you good and what’s right and care for you always, no matter what”

Kimi nods and James sees that he understands despite still being only seven years old, kimi had a brilliant mind and James could see that Nikis story all made sense to him.

“is Isa Niki mad because he thinks I don’t love him anymore?” James could hardly believe there son and how smart and intuitive he was becoming.

“I think so. Why don’t you got find him and tell him how much you love him?”

Kimi hops off James lap but before he opens the door he turns back and says

“you’re the best Isa’s ever and I’m sorry I was bad. I wont ever do anything like this again and I don’t hate you. I can never hate you. I love you Isa James”

Kimi disappears and James mutters “I love you to son” and smiles to himself.

Kimi can see Nikis figure out on the balcony through the doors at the end of his and James room. He walks over slowly.

Niki is crying and kimi is frightened. He’d seen James cry sometimes, mostly out of frustration or anger or sheer happiness but Niki didn’t cry, Niki never cried.

“I love you” kimi says softly just loud enough for Niki to hear. Niki turns and wipes his eyes. Kimi looks up at him.

“I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Or make you sad, Ill be good, you’re my parents and I love you lots and lots forever and ever. I love you Isa”

Kimi wraps both arms around Nikis waist and buries his face into his hip. Niki caresses his hair and holds him close. 

Kimi was of course still naughty, he refused to go to school or when he was home schooled he didn’t do his homework. He stole ice-cream from the freezer and denied it , even though his face and clothes where stained, he didn’t stop jumping from high places after being told six times and he got up to all manners of mischief. He learned the right word for what had happened, he was ‘adopted’. Kimi loved that word he loved it more than any other because it meant that James and Niki had got to be his parents. Kimi loved that word.


	18. the Red Half

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi learns all about 'the red half' from uncle ronnie.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter18.png.html)

Summer was fast approaching . the snow and ice was melting, and kimi could see the wonderful greens and browns of the forest through his bedroom window. He’d promised never to go there again without an adult. 

Nico had spent countless weeks in hospital. Doctor’s thought his immune system would never recover, he developed pneumonia and frostbite and his body just wasn’t fighting. 

Meanwhile a court battle was being fought by keke and sina’s lawyers over Nico . They had been granted a divorce and it was to be finalized the next year as these things took time. Provisionally however in the eyes of the Finnish law they where no longer married, all this whilst there son lay oblivious in a hospital bed.

James and Niki found it hard to take side’s . Keke was there longest friend , but he had forced them , albeit by accident , to tell kimi something they had wanted to keep until he was older. The friendship had begun to crack and they hadn’t spoken with him since the incident in the hospital. He was staying with mika. 

Sina whom they had loved drearily and had been kind and always considerate of kimi , had caused cracks in there relationship also and they knew they would probably never see her again .

Ronnie had stayed with them that summer between races, this was his last season and he was going to retire. Kimi adores him, Ronnie was young and was willing to do and try everything and he could more than keep up with kimi. It was a welcome distraction from kimis thoughts of Nico. But they always returned.

“Isa ?”

“yes buba?” Niki said looking over his shoulder whilst preparing dinner.

“can I visit nico this week?”

“Kimi you just saw him two days ago! There was no change remember?”

Kimi had been getting dropped off at the hospital twice sometimes three or four times a week for an hour with mika, keke was present sometimes depending on court dates, then James would collect him again. 

“Please??...pleaseeeeee?”

Niki rolled his eyes and checked his watch. “Sorry buba its passed visiting hours . You can see him tomorrow, and have you done your homework that the tutor set? “

Kimi shrunk down into his seat at the breakfast bar. Niki gave him a stern look.

“Kimi I warned you about this and if it continues you are going to school!”

“Nooooo! No please! Ill do it now!” kimi leapt of his stool and raced up stairs , Niki couldn’t help the slight laugh that escaped him. Then James was behind him chin resting on his shoulder chest pressed against his back.

“You know…despite everything. Its been good these past weeks. Our sons a menace but a better one. Were both home, our friends are visiting us more from abroad and you look happy. You are happy aren’t you?”

Niki smiled and kissed his cheek. “Couldn’t be happier asshole” James laugh vibrates against Nikis back and he wraps his arms round nikis waist and kisses his neck . slowly at first, then with more force eventually sinking his teeth into the flesh and sucking , Niki moans and gasps. 

Neither notices that kimi had re appeared having forgotten a pencil. He stops dead in the arched door way of the kitchen and watches James as he slides his hands under Nikis shirt over his abdomen and kimi can see the scar from the surgery, his eyes trail up there entwined bodies and he watches as James sucks hungrily on Nikis neck, Niki with his eyes closed head back slightly and lips parted. 

Ronnie pokes him and kimi spins around to squeal in fright when Ronnie instinctively catches’ his mouth with his hand and gestures for him to be quiet. Then he slowly leads him back up stairs to his room.

“Right so homework!” kimi sits at his desk by the window but homework is the last thing on his mind.

“What where they doing uncle Ronnie?”

Ronnie tries to stop the instant flush that rises up his neck to his face by looking down slightly.

“Homework!” he repeats and taps the desk playfully. Kimi slams his fist down and glares at him.

“I asked a question! Tell me! “

Ronnie fidgets and scratches his neck nervously. He was just married and wasn’t finely aware of the goings on of male x male couples. He had a wife, for crying out load!

“Why don’t you ask you Isa’s?”

“They wont tell, besides I asked you!” 

Ronnie made a displeased face. Kimi could be quite brattish at times.

“They where….making each other feel good , the way adults do. To show…uh…how much they love each other. But only adults do that! ok?!”

Kimi nods a little but looks confused. 

“But….Isa James was being rough….so he wasn’t hurting Isa Niki?”

Niki had mentioned to Ronnie how kimi seemed to have developed this idea that James was secretly hurting Niki , because he had caught James being dominant over him a few times. It was hard to make kimi aware that Niki enjoyed it , his mind was far far to young for that. And so they had tried there best to keep there hands off one another unless behind closed doors. But accidents happened. 

“Listen kimi, your Isa James would never ever EVER hurt your Isa Niki. EVER! Because he loves him so much AND because hed get beat up” Ronnie winks at kimi who grins.

“Kimi did Isa Niki ever tell you why he has a strange face?” kimi shuffles in his seat a little.

“Not really, but I see it on tv sometime. The people talking always talk about ‘his big crash’ and there’s photos of him without the red half”

Kimi referred to Nikis scar tissue as the ‘red half’ . 

“Well shall I tell you a story? And then homework!!!” Ronnie stuck his tongue out and kimi hopped off his chair and onto his knee.

“ok sooooo, once there was a rat called Niki” 

“Hey!” kimi interrupted sticking out his bottom lip and looking as angry as he could, but not succeeding.

“don’t interrupt! Its my story! Anyways…” Ronnie cleared his throat comically and kimi laughed

“where was I ? …ah yes the rat. Super rat to be precise! And he appeared out of nowhere like magic! And he raced in formula 3 against a pretty golden haired boy , a true ladies man. Ill tell you what that means when your older!, called james simon wallis hunt! Yes that is james whole name, and yes its funny!. So they raced and then they argued and then. Niki needed a place to stay in London so he slept on James floor, well, not really , again a story for when your older.”

Ronnie winked and kimi looked at him confused as to what possibly would need to be kept from him until he was older?

“so james and niki loved each other BUT because adults are all stupid, yes I said that. They didn’t admit it to one another for a looooong time. And they fought and fought and people started to think of them as rivals when actually they where best friends and in love. But one fight got really bad and your Isa Niki didn’t want to race at this awful track in Germany called the Nurburgring because the track was so unsafe and many , many drivers died racing on it. And that day when they where all supposed to race, me as well. Niki asked us not to, he asked us all to vote. So we did but your Isa Niki got beaten by one vote so we all had to race on this horrible wet day when the track was even more dangerous!”

Kimi eyes where huge and Ronnie had to stifle a laugh. He was captivated.

“who was the extra vote against Isa Niki?” Ronnie’s good mood instantly fell, it was of course James. But he couldn’t tell kimi that. Instead he thought either a lie or an aversion was needed. He thought quickly.

“you’ll get to know when your older anyway shall I finish the story?” kimi thought about protesting then held it in and nodded.

“so we raced. And it was so wet that we could hardly see on front of us!. James sped off a little on front of niki. Niki was chasing him hard. Nikis car flew round the corners sometimes all four wheels off the track like he was flying!”

Kimi gazed up at the space between them imagining the scene in his minds eyes, seeing the spray from the water and his dads blood red Ferrari launch itself into the air.

“But then” Ronnie’s voice changed and kimi looked right into his eyes , with anticipation and fear. Knowing the next part of the story. 

“Something snapped on his car, Niki flew round the corner and lost control. The Ferrari slammed into the barrier and caught fire! It was burning and burning then in skidded back onto the track and was hit, not once but twice by two other cars! And as every other car flew round that corner they stopped and every driver got out to help your Isa that’s how much every driver loved him! They all stopped to help, but we couldn’t, he was trapped. And all we could hear was him crying out to us”

Kimi watched as Ronnie’s eyes went distant and filled with water, he was right back there. Right back at nurburgring he could see into the cockpit of the burning Ferrari he could see and hear Niki cry out to him. Then Ronnie snapped back to reality.

“then keke managed to hoist mika onto the car and mika undid the Ferrari seat belt lock and me and Mario pulled Niki free from the car! He was alive and he talked to us at one point he could even walk! Another driver john Watson held your Isa niki whilst the ambulance arrived. They took him away in a helicopter, we all thought he would be ok but he wasn’t. I shouldn’t maybe tell you this but, your Isa nearly died kimi, in fact, he did die many times in hospital but the doctors brought him back. His face was all burned and his lungs where burned he had many Brocken bones . Your Isa James didn’t know it was so bad, but when he found out he never left Nikis side at the hospital he stayed with him day and night through everything and some of it was very bad kimi. Very very bad. and made your Isa Niki very sore and sick and weak. But James loved him soo very much that he stayed, and then when Niki got out of hospital he did something no one else could do. It was a miracle! Against all odds he got back in his Ferrari and him and James raced again! James won that championship but your Isa Niki is a remarkable man who everyone loves and respects , he’s wonderful kimi. Niki is wonderful, he’s truly a magnificent man and your Isa James just loves him so much he has to show him all the time. Do you understand a little better now?? “

Kimi looks up at him positively in awe. 

“Uncle Ronnie? I like Isa Niki better with the red half. It makes him more special!”

Ronnie’s whole face seems to light up at that. “Me to kimi! I think Isa James does to!”

Kimi hugs him unexpectedly and hops off his knee onto his stool. he hurries his homework and rushes back down stairs before Ronnie can stop him.

He finds James at the breakfast bar with a paper in his hands and Niki checking the oven .

He rushes over to Niki and slams into his leg hugging his waist , niki looks down utterly surprised.

“Kneel down Isa?” kimi asks looking up at him . Niki makes a face and looks over at James who is grinning madly at them both and shrugs, Niki kneels down.

Kimi bring his hands to Niki’s face and traces the lines or rippled skin round under his eyes and over to his half missing ear. Niki feels slightly uncomfortable but doesn’t pull his hands away. James stands and approaches them.

“What are you doing there kimster?” James asks sensing Nikis discomfort.

Kimi shocks them both further by gently removing Nikis cap from his head. Niki had been able to grow his hair out long enough to sweep half over the side of his head where the hair didn’t grow back. Kimi looked him over curiously. He had of course seen it all many times before. But it was different knowing why Niki looked the way he did.

Kimi touched the side of his head lightly and played with a few strands of Nikis brown curls. 

“This makes you special” kimi said in a soft lulling voice.

James rubbed kimis back and smiled warmly at him watching him gently caress Nikis scars.

Kimi leaned in and kissed Nikis forehead . Niki looked at James utterly confused and unsure. James just smiled reassuringly at him.

Kimi placed Niki’s cap back on his head.

“I like you best with your red half” kimi added and hugged him. James held them both and over Nikis shoulder he caught sight of Ronnie who winked and trotted past them to retrieve a beer from the fridge.


	19. Lintu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki and James prepare for the next big challenge in there lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lintu = finnish for 'bird' or in this instance 'bird boy'

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter19.jpg.html)

Mika storms through Niki and James front door causing the dogs to bark hysterically and James and Niki to rush out panicked. Mika runs into Niki knocking him to ground James helps them up .

“sorry! Sorry!” mika slurs, “keke got joint custordy!”

“what?” Niki adds mikas thick accent making no sense.

“he got half rights to Nico!!” mika yells frustrated that hes always getting misunderstood.

Niki and James cant help but smile.

“That’s wonderful!” James adds. 

“How is Nico?” Niki asks.

“hes awake! Kimi will be happy! Doctors say home in a fourteen day!”

“two weeks you mean?” James adds

“ya! Two weeks! Can kimi come with me now?”

“To the hospital? Sure!” James calls kimi down from his room. He lazily trudges downstairs hating being called because it usually means he’s in trouble or needs to do a chore. When he sees mika and his fathers smiling he brightens up expecting good news.

“Come kimster! Gonna see prince nico! He’s awake!” kimi leaps into the air both hands in fists yelping triumphantly. Niki and James laugh at his odd display.

They send him on his way with mika. Niki closes the door behind them and shakes his head, kimi was an odd boy. When he bends down to retrieve the mail. There is a pamphlet with a rather sorry looking child on which read;

‘Can you provide a loving foster home or would you adopt me?’

Niki turns it over and looks at the back. There on the back cover is veronica who kimi had lived with for the first year of his life . The head of the agency , that had handled kimis adoption. Niki decided give her a call to let her know how kimi was getting on.

He handed James the pamphlet and James agreed that a phone call would be a good idea.

The number rang out and them a familiar soft sweet voice in Finnish spoke.

“moy?”

“moy, guten morgen , hello! Its Niki Lauda and James Hunt here.”

A soft laugh echoed through the line.

“my darlings! How is Kimi?! I have seen many pictures! He’s so handsome!”

Niki nods in agreement though she cant see him, James listens in sitting next to Niki.

“he’s a hand full! We have had some troubles but thankfully he’s getting on well. Hes strong willed and stubborn James thinks he gets it from me! I say its him!”

More laughter “well that’s a good thing! All children are challenging especially an only child! Kimi is spoiled id guess?”

She says it lightheartedly but the comment stings Niki slightly.

“yes. Well I guess he is actually. We do over indulge him a lot”

he wasn’t expecting the next question

“Would you ever adopt another? It may solve a lot, only children get lonely and they often have trouble with sharing and accepting change”

Niki swallows hard, she basically described kimi. 

“uh…I have never given it any thought…we have never discussed it, James and I . and kimi had never asked…”

“I see, well it would be something to consider, even fostering? There are many children who need good homes.”

“Maybe we will discuss it then…anyway kimi is doing well, nice talking to you again!”

“And you! Please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you consider another adoption or foster care!”

Niki says his goodbyes and hangs up James looks at him slightly perplexed.

“What was all that about?” he asks.

Niki stares into space for a while before shaking his head and looking at James.

“huh? What?...did you say something?”

James put’s the back of his hand on Nikis forehead “you feeling ok rat?” Niki bats his hand away .

“I’m fine!” Niki barks defensively.

“You don’t seem fine! What did she say?”

James watches Nikis face closely.

“She asked if we would consider adopting again…said that only children are often lonely and have some troubles…”

James laughed “ha! No way! Kimi is enough! He’s more than enough he’s insane!” he stops laughing when he sees the expression on Nikis face.

“No Niki…just…no. We cant! I mean were both busy! Kimis older now he understands why we leave he’s used to it! You can’t mess another kid around like that!”

Niki stays silent thinking it over “maybe your right James…but…I can’t help thinking, we have the huge house, all these rooms all this money. The homes in Austria and England. And…kimis lonely James! He is , you cannot deny this! Nico is out with our control we can’t keep him around for kimi. Kimi needs a brother.”

“A brother?” James ask questioningly.

“a girl wouldn’t work. A daughter would be nice yes , we could spoil her but its not what kimi needs. Kimi needs a brother, a boy he can play with and wrestle with and take out all his frustrations on. Someone to share his passions and run with him and get muddy with him. We could do it James, we have everything why not share it?”

James can’t seem to fathom a reason why not “but Niki…we can’t save every child? “

“no …but we could make a difference for one more” James can’t believe what he’s hearing. Niki who originally never wanted to adopt and did it for James sake. Was now having to convince the man who once said he wanted a football team of kids! To adopt just one more.

“Do I have to agree just now?”

“You don’t have to agree to anything…its just an idea” Niki shrugs an stands about to leave the room. He gets as far as doorway.

“Niki wait!...yes”

“Yes?” Niki asks

“Yes lets get kimi a brother. I do think it’s a good idea. Lets find our other son”

James beams at him actually liking the idea more and more. Two sons? That sounds good to him.

James and Niki start the process over the next couple of weeks. They are informed it may take a year and that they would be monitored for approval all over again just like with kimi. Niki signs over command of his airline temporarily and James quits commentating both of them taking up work with formula 1 teams so they can stay home as much as possible. Niki starts working for Mercedes and James at McLaren. It came time to start the process and to tell kimi.

One evening they sit him down when he is a particularly cheery mood.

“kimster we want to tell you something and ask your opinion” James starts kimi sat between them on the couch on front of the roaring fire. The dogs asleep at there feet.

“we would like to know how you would feel about having a brother” James adds.  
They both watch as panic spreads across kimis face.

“no! no! I don’t want to share you! No! please Isa’s I’ve been good haven’t I? I want you to myself”

Niki starts to think there decision was the right one. Kimi was to attached and almost unable to interact with kids his own age except Nico.

“darling” Niki begins softly “you have been exceptionally good. we both want to help another child. Just like we wanted to help you. There is many children without homes don’t you think it would be good to help one?”

Kimi makes a face “yes but why cant someone else do it?! I don’t want you to!”

“kimster, me and your Isa Niki decided this already. Now you of course can help us find the right child, we want you to be a part of this. And there will be people who visit us to make sure that we are a good family. You need to be as good as you have been these past few weeks, and if you promise to think about helping us find your brother we will promise you something in return”

Kimi suddenly starts to pay attention and forgets momentarily about his protest.

“what?”

James looks at Niki for approval, this ‘reward’ for kimi was something they had discussed but not agreed to do. Niki gives in and nods.

“when you turn eight, we will let you start karting” kimi practically eats them both alive with excitement.

“ill be areal racer! Ill get into formula 1! Ill be world champion!! Ill drive for Ferrari!!” kimi bounces on the couch Niki raises a hand to his forehead and glares at James.

“I think we have created a monster!” James laughs and tugs kimi back down.

“slow it down chap! You must help us impress these people from the adoption agency then and help us find your new brother . deal?”

Kimi nods furiously , Niki thinks rather comically that his little head might fall off!

The following week. Nico gets released from hospital and is to spend the first half of his year with keke in Finland as courts ruled he would be unfit to travel to Monaco so sina couldn’t take him. She rents a cottage near by and firmly states that keke and Nico cannot live with mika. So keke moves back into his own home with Nico . Kimi visits regularly so much so that Niki thinks he should have his own room!

Keke, James and Niki make up over drinks and all is forgiven. Keke even promises to have kimi’s Kart painted for him when he gets it. Which of course means kimi also forgives him.

Revelation that kimi will be karting also reaches Nico who protests that it isn’t fair and he should also be starting. Keke cannot deny that, as he did promise he could start. So it’s agreed that both kimi and Nico will enter into there first race when both boys turn eight years old.

Niki and James prepare for there first visit from veronica after weeks of inspections. When she arrives she greets them fondly and is marveled by how beautiful kimi is and how much he’s grown.

All is well and she feels that should they wish to adopt an older child the process would move quicker. James had wanted and infant , missing kimis younger days Niki however, preferred someone closer in age to kimi. Veronica invited them to the orphanage. But suggested they don’t bring kimi, for fears of unsettling him.

They manage to get mika to babysit. The place is huge and old and looks more like a school as they approach the gates.

Veronica meets them and takes them on a tour, each child has a single bed in a room filled with multiple other beds, and they have one set of drawers each and its ten children to a large bathroom with multiple sinks and showers. The place is clean and friendly not how either of them had imagined. 

They are introduced to some of the children. James is instantly taken with a toddler around four years of age with white blonde hair and blue eyes resembling kimi. Niki remains more stand off ish and takes a moment to gaze round all the faces. He glimpses a very familiar one in the corner on one of the beds and smiles to himself.

“moy , Lauri” the little boy looks up and recognizes him instantly.

“moy” he says gazing up at Niki.

“Can I sit with you?” lauri nods and Niki sits down next to him on the bed.

“are you ok after the accident? You where very brave, thank you for saving our kimi”

Lauri smiles at Niki. Niki gets a good chance to finally look him over, black hair and green eyes. An strange combination but non the less intriguing. he’s handsome a little smaller than kimi and slightly thinner maybe a year or half a year younger. 

“im ok thank you” lauri replies and Niki nods.

“Why did you lie? You said your grandparents looked after you?”

Lauri frowns “they did, I don’t like it here. I miss them.” He looks down at his hands and Niki nods understanding. James approaches Niki not noticing lauri at first.

“Niki the little ones so cute! I think,…” James stops when he notices the small boy sat next to Niki. James kneels on front of him.

“hello again hero” lauri smiles shyly.

“hello…”

James looks at Niki who stares back . They both seem to agree without saying a word. James just feels he needs to ask one thing.

“Why did you jump in after Nico? Weren’t you scared?”

Lauri looks straight at him.

“yes, but just because your scarred doesn’t mean you can’t help. Does it?”

They glance at each other again. Niki pats lauri back and gets up James follows.

“That’s our other son?” James asks

“yes” Niki states without a hint of hesitation.

Veronica approaches them.

“How are you getting along? Have you got a chance to speak with any of the children?”

“Veronica we would very much like to file for adoption of Lauri” James says confidently. Veronica seems shocked .

“lauri? You need to be made aware that lauri is a child with some deep psychological damage. He’s withdrawn and may not be a good addition to your family. Here they call him ‘lintu’ because he sits perched by the window sill”

“Kimi knows lauri, as im sure your aware , they where briefly at school together and lauri was one of the children involved in the recent forest incident. We want to help him. We would like to adopt him” Niki adds his tone leaves no room for questioning. 

Veronica nods but gives them one last opportunity to reconsider “are you both absolutely sure?”

“Positive” Niki and James say in unison.

“Ill see what I can do” she smiles and leaves. Niki takes one last glance back at lauri.


	20. Nights like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki and James start preparations for there new arrival , kimi enjoys some one on one time with Nico.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter20.png.html)

That summer was glorious and hectic. Kimi spent his evenings outside with the dogs and his football or making a car out of old wood with James they even built a tree house! Ronnie finished his season early with unreliability issues and quit formula one and mika announced he would move to McLaren where he would be working with James. Keke also was making plans for his imminent retirement from the sport. And Nico had recovered fully and was enjoyed playing with kimi from dawn till dusk often both ignoring homework duties.

“Isa can we have ice cream and stay up late its Saturday!!” kimi burst in from the yard filthy Nico following him like a loyal puppy.

Niki looked them over “your both filthy!! Straight to the bath and then ice cream and ..maybe an hour extra”

“two hours” kimi negotiated Niki smirked 

“One or nothing”

“One and a half?” kimi made his best puppy eyes.

“One young man! Get upstairs both of you come on!” Niki ushered both youngsters upstairs to the bathroom. And marched them to the large sauna style bath running the hot water and cold in unison checking the temperature with the back of his hand. 

“right arms up” kimi and Nico stretched there arms over there heads and Niki pulled off there t shirts then tickled each under there arms kimi looked utterly offended Nico giggled madly. 

“shorts off , underwear off and in you get .” they both did as they where told and hopped in the tub. 

“can we have bubbles uncle Niki?” Nico asked sweetly his white blonde wavy hair thick with mud and dust. Niki smiled and retrieved the bottle . Nico and kimi clapped excitedly.

“I swear you to are still toddlers!” Niki poured in the liquid which started the foam and froth up . Kimi dunked his face in it and instantly had a Santa style beard. Nicos hearty laugh echoed throughout the bathroom. A bubble fight erupted and Niki made a sharp exit.

“twenty minutes then your both getting your hair washed!” Niki called back in but was met with the sound of splashing and hysteria. Keke emerged from the living room when Niki went back down stairs.

“Having fun are they?” he winked at Niki.

“crazy! There both crazy!” Niki replied clearly in a good mood.

“ya so I gather! “ mika added , niki caught keke stare longingly after him as he walked past them into the living room.

“You and mika? Its working?” Niki asked retrieving beer from the fridge, keke following him to the kitchen.

“yes, im…im sad that things had to happen the way they did. I am sorry to sina. I did love her…once. but she was angry Niki, angry that I couldn’t give her another child. Its my fault you see. I can’t have anymore”

Niki nodded listening carefully.

“Nico is taking it well, hes just happy that we aren’t arguing. He was crying all the time. Totally inconsolable over every small thing. Now that we are apart he seems like a normal boy again. And mika….Niki I just cant be away from him. And Nico loves him. I think kimi has been doing some explaining with Nico, he seems to accept us, together I mean, as a couple. He even told me he likes it! “

Niki smiled warmly at him. He was truly happy for his friend and hoped things continued to look up.

“and you an James? You don’t talk much about this new addition to the family…when is it happening? is kimi involved still or are you keeping him out of it?”

“he was involved…but because of the nature of the situation we thought it best he just gets on with being a kid and we will….surprise him so to speak. He , well…him and this child have met as you know.”

Keke nods remembering the dark haired boy from the lake.

“So when does he come home?”

Niki smiles knowingly to himself “me and James have a little surprise planned for kimi on his eighth birthday”

“That’s in October ? Two months away? That was quick Niki!”

Niki finishes his beer and grabs another 

“hes an older child. They like to get them out of the system as soon as possible. Apparently moving orphanages or foster homes messes with them , makes them unstable or creates issues . And not a word to anyone understand! Don’t ruin it! Not even mika!”

Keke puts his hands up in a mock surrender “I wont say a thing!”

Niki and keke enter the now soaked bathroom with a large fluffy white towel each to retrieve their sons. Kimi has washed Nicos hair for him and Nico is in the process of doing his.

“head back close your eyes!’ Nico takes the clear jug of water and slowly pours it over kimis head, he repeats the action two more times. Niki and keke watch them, both bursting with pride and affection for the two little blondes gently taking care of each other. Keke pulls a disposable camera from his pocket and takes a few snaps before the boys can catch him.

“I want copies” Niki whispers.

“Sure thing!” keke whispers back

Niki lifts kimi out first wrapping the warm towel round his skinny torso and sweeping him up off the tilled floor. Keke does the same with Nico. They dry both boys and help them into there pajamas . Both there hair still slightly damp they crawl into kimis double bed and get comfy.

“ice cream!” they both call in unison. Niki rolls his eyes and makes his way down stairs. Mika passes him on the way down and they smile at each other.

Mika sits next to keke on Nicos side of the bed and they tell the boys a story in Finnish , mika playing the part of the ‘fair maiden and the reindeer’ keke as the ‘troll and the prince’.

Niki re emerges with two bowls one filled with vanilla and chocolate for kimi and the other, vanilla and strawberry for Nico. 

James emerges from his and Nikis room , having taken a long evening nap. He stretches and flops down onto kimis bed making both boys giggle.

“Uncle James is being silly!” Nico chirps happily

“uncle James in an ass” Niki adds swatting at him playfully.

“rats love uncle James ass!” 

“James not on front of the kids!” keke attacks his arm with the storybook which causes even more laughter to erupt from the boys.

Kimi looks round watching all the men fondly. As they chat and engage with each other . Nico snuggled into his shoulder , occasionally spooning ice cream into his mouth. Kimi loves each and every man (and boy) present and hopes for many more nights like this one.


	21. October 17th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi's eighth birthday and the day there family changes forever.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter21.png.html)

October 17th, kimi rushes into his parents room at 6 am and shakes James (niki usually putting him straight back to bed ).

“ISA ISA!”

James groans and cracks an eye open to glance at the clock.

“go back to sleep” he slurs and starts snoring again instantly.

Kimi shakes him harder

“ISA! WAKE UP!”

James makes a long displeased groan and sits up in bed kimi hopping into his lap.

“its my birthday!!! Im eight now!!” James wants make a sarcastic comment about how he knows that already but instead he stretches and yawns nodding lazily.

“Wake Niki, cause im not gonna. Hes to grumpy in the morning” James mumbles through a rather huge yawn.

Kimi crawls over James lap to Niki who is still fast asleep on his side. back to kimi. Kimi leans over him and watches his peaceful face. Not snoring like James , instead his breath coming out in even paced puffs.

Kimi pats his head softly.

“Isa Niki?”

“ow suuuure , wake him gently and scream at me. How nice” James mocks. Kimi ignores him.

He shakes Nikis shoulder a little.

“Isa?”

Nikis eyelids flutter open gently; he turns his head and sees kimis bright smiling face. James plan works and Niki wakes without protest.

“Morning kimster , guess what?” 

“What?” kimi asks excitedly sitting on his chest? Niki grabs him unexpectedly and tickles him, kimi trashing around laughing madly , James joins in and Niki blows a raspberry on kimis belly followed by James who does the same.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” they yell at him and kimi laughs and laughs. 

Breakfast is pancakes with syrup. a one off seeing as it is his birthday. The whole of James family and Nikis mother (he makes it clear his father and brother are not welcome) and cousins as well as all there fellow friends in formula one with there wives/partners and children and of course Nico arrive around lunch.

The adults are assigned one room and the children (with the exception of kimi and Nico who are marginally older than the others), are having fun in kimis play room.

Nico and kimi make snowmen in the front garden together and collapse into the white soft fresh snow creating snow angels and snow monsters.

Everyone brings presents. As evening dawns kimi is called in on front of everyone to open them.

He gets the usual, formula 1 themed t shirts. New shoes, money lots of toys race cars, a proper sized motorbike from Ronnie (whish he loves) new racing over alls from Jackie and he saves Nicos and Niki and James present until last.

Nicos is large box kimi, cant lift it because it to heavy so he is unable to shake it. 

James helps him open it and lifts out and oval shape , covered in paper and news papers.

kimi starts to tear it open. It’s a helmet. A brand new proper shiny new helmet , red and white with ‘iceman’ round the back. Kimi stares at it in his hands. Speechless.

Nico taps him slightly worried.

“do you like it kimi? Me an fadder made it….” Kimi places the helmet on the floor and throws his arms round Nicos neck. The whole room erupts into a chorus of gasps and ‘awes’.

Kimi whispers, “I love it. I love you” and Nico smiles wrapping his arms around kimi.

When kimi lets go. James asks everyone to make room. Kimi stands and tries to see through everyone and James and Niki wheel something towards him.

They lift it over everyone’s heads and place a brand new racing kart in the middle of the floor. Its blue and black and already has sponsors on it. It reads, McLaren, Mercedes, Ferrari. And has Raikkonen across the back bumper.

Kimi erupts into floods of tears and jumps up and down hands in fists.

“im a racer , im a racer!” Nico claps and joins in with the jumping. Niki and James look to each other triumphantly.

Keke meanwhile has been taking valuable photos with his new camera. Niki already has the one of kimi and Nico in black and white in the bath framed in there hallway.

James and Niki disappear momentarily. And suddenly the lights go out. Kimi can see little shimmering flames moving towards him then everyone slowly claps and starts chanting.

“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear kimi! Happy birthday to you!”

The lights come back on and kimi can see his birthday cake, it’s a race track with Nikis Ferrari and james McLaren driving towards him. 

“Make a wish kimi” Niki winks at him. Kimi closes his eyes and makes a wish…

‘I wish for everything to be right for everyone.’

Kimi opens his eyes and blows out his candles. 

Dinner is a mixture of English German and Finnish cuisine. Kimi has a practice run on his new Kart. Taking to the wheel like he was born to be there. Every driver can’t help but pull him aside and give him tips and tricks James and Niki look on in amusement as the drivers argue about what strategy kimi should use.

Around nine pm everyone leaves. Kimi says his goodbyes politely and thanks everyone as is Finnish tradition at parties. 

when the last car pulls away, Instead of leading kimi upstairs to bed James and Niki sit him down on the couch in the living room.

“we have one last surprise for you. Stay there with Isa James. Ill be right back”

Kimi hops onto James knee and rubs his eyes starting to get sleepy. 

Niki goes outside and waits , a few moments later a car pulls into the drive way. Veronica emerges and hugs him then opens the back door and takes the hand of a small boy. She walks back over to Niki and smiles sliding the child’s hand into to his.

“all the best darling. And good wishes to you and your wonderful family” Niki thanks her and she hands Niki a bag of Lauri’s few belongings.

They say there goodbyes and Niki looks down at his new son who looks back up him with a sad smile.

Niki kneels and takes his hands “I know your scared. But I promise everything is all going to be ok now. Shall we go meet you other father and your new brother?”

Lauri nods. Niki takes his hand again and leads him inside out of the cold. He places his bag by the stairs and leads him to the living room where kimi and James are snuggled together on the couch by the fire.

Kimi is distracted talking with James.

“Kimi,” kimi turns and his face instantly turns to shock. 

“This is your new brother” kimi looks from Niki to James and back again.

Lauri holds nikis hand tighter as kimi walks slowly towards them.

Niki lets go of his hand and gently nudges him foreword. The two boys meet face to face and for a moment there is a strange silence. Then kimi wraps his arms around the slightly smaller boys and gazes over his shoulder at Niki.

“This is the best birthday ever!” 

James approaches and ruffles Lauri’s hair.

“Welcome home” lauri smiles fondly at them both and kimi takes his hand leading him to the kitchen. He fetches him a drink and some birthday cake. And James and Niki watch them both sitting at the breakfast bar chatting. Lauri more vocal than he had been during any of there visits with him over the months.

Niki turns to James “they look good together”

James nods and wraps an arm around Nikis shoulders 

“They look like brothers” James adds 

Niki leans up and kisses him fondly.


	22. New World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and nikis first night as proud parents of two.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter22.jpg.html)

That night it was not as hard as anticipated to get kimi into bed. After all the excitement as soon as his head hit the pillow he was off into dream land. James and Niki kiss his forehead lauri stands cautiously in the door way, unsure and still a little scared. They have been given in depth instruction on how to help him settle in. some of which Niki finds a little harsh , like leaving him alone and waiting for him to come to them.

Niki takes Lauri’s hand , James still unsure if any physical contact is appropriate just yet. They lead him to his room down the hall on the same side as kimis. There where seven bedrooms in the house, now only three would be spares. Niki and James took the liberty of decorating some of the room allowing lauri to put his own stamp on it as he got more confident. 

They had painted it a simple dark blue with the same wooden floors as kimi , instead of marvel sheets on his bed they had opted for plain black with purple pillows (Lauri’s favorite colors) . They where also aware that lauri could play piano and guitar and was very musically gifted, for someone so young. They had a small grand piano placed in the room and had bought him two new guitars. Niki let him enter the room on his own waiting in the door way and watching him look around.

He instantly made for the piano, Niki sighed in relief. At least they’d gotten some small details right!

“is this for me?” lauri said the first words he had spoken to them since earlier in the living room.

“Yes , this is all yours. Kimi has his cars we guess from what you’d told us you liked music a lot” James replied. Standing behind Niki in the doorway.

Lauri smiled and ran his fingers over the keys.

“Thank you” Niki nodded in response.

“Would you like us to stay and put you to bed?” Niki asked his voice ever so slightly hopeful.

Lauri took a moment then nodded. Niki fetched Lauri’s new pajamas from the drawer next to his bed and James stood awkwardly not knowing what to do or say . He watched Niki go about things as he would with kimi , everything expertly organized and executed. James was so unsure, this was an older child, was it even appropriate for them to try and dress him? Or bathe him? It seemed Niki was treating it like that was exactly what they where going to do.

Just like with kimi , Niki gave the usual order.

“Hands up, like this” lauri copied him and Niki slid his top off. 

“Trouser and socks next, leave your underwear on” lauri did as he was told. Niki slid the pajama top over his head and helped him into his trousers.

He lifted him under the arms pits onto the bed and lauri crawled under the covers.

Niki sat by his head, and stroked his hair. Finally James approached. He stood over Niki and smiled down at the little boy. 

They had been informed that lauri had just turned seven. Almost a year younger than kimi. He was certainly shorter, he looked like an infant , still having not yet lost the baby fat on his cheeks.

He looked up at them with a kind of wonder in his eyes. Niki leaned over and kissed his forehead. He stood and James did the same.

“Good night lauri. If you need us for anything at all, were in the next room ok?” James felt he needed to do some reassuring after all it wasn’t fare to leave everything to Niki just because he was so unsure. 

They lingered in the door way for moment before turning out the light and closing the door. 

Niki looked to James 

“Should we just leave him like this? Its his first night…”

“Its late what are we supposed to do? stay up with him all night? Hes tired it’s been a long day travelling for him. I’m sure he’ll be ok…wont he?”

Niki didn’t look convinced. 

“Lets go downstairs and treat it like any normal evening, we’ll watch some crap tv and have a few beers. There both tucked up in bed. Safe” James tried his best to reassure Niki but in truth he was just as frightened as lauri was. It was all-new to them, kimi had been a baby so everything was easier back then. Lauri was old enough to remember and they both wanted his first memories of them to be good ones.

Reluctantly Niki followed James downstairs.

They found some awful Finnish comedy shows and cuddled up on the couch. James lazily playing with Nikis hair. Before they both decided to call it a night they checked in on kimi, he was sound asleep. James stopped Niki from entering Lauri’s room.

“just leave it for tonight. We might wake him up,” Nikis hand slowly released the door knob and he glanced back before following James to bed.

Neither of them could sleep. Eventually Niki broke first and James watched his silhouette disappear into the hallway.

Niki stood outside Lauri’s door and listened. He could hear a muffled sound. He opened the door just a little, lauri was crying. Nikis heart sank.

He flicked on the light switch, which startled lauri and approached the bed.

“its alright.” He pulled the child towards him and lauri curled up against his chest.

“I know you’re scared. I’m here. Its ok” 

He rocked lauri back and forth gently in his arms eventually Lauri’s eyelids grew heavy and he nuzzled closer to Niki. Gently falling asleep. Niki stayed with him the whole night cradling him close. Admiring his new son, his dark hair and pale skin. 

When James found them in the morning Niki had fallen sleep with lauri nuzzled into his side. 

When kimi woke he looked for them in there room , when he found both James and Niki gone he panicked he entered Lauri’s room cautiously . at first he didn’t like what he saw, a pang of jealously springing in his stomach . Then he decided he better join them and get cuddles from Niki also. he rushed past James and onto the bed snuggling into Nikis other side . James not wanting left out crawled in behind kimi.

Eventually James and kimi where also asleep again. The four of them on Lauri’s bed all with arms and legs round each other as close as they could get. Kimis arm stretched over Nikis chest holding his new brothers han


	23. Lauri. Lauri Ylonen.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki has a another dream like the one he had of kimi many years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lauri Ylonen is the famous Finnish front man of the band 'The Rasmus' and a successful solo artist he has both european and international success. He is affiliated with , nightwish , HIM, within temptation , Linkin park and various other artists and bands.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter23.jpg.html)

It was dark and there was hundreds maybe thousands of people, Niki couldn’t tell. He was standing at the back of a stage looking out at them all, chanting , screaming fists raised in the air. Suddenly spot lights flood the space and the screaming intensifies. 

A stalky very beautiful muscular young man walks past him wearing a black vest and cargo trousers. his hair jet black and spiked at the back a long sleek black fringe swept over his right eye. His eyes a brilliant green. He looked back at Niki and grinned. 

But it wasn’t Niki he was looking at , it was as if Niki was ghost in another time he gazed behind him and there stood the most handsome young blonde blue eyed boy he had ever seen , thick spikey blonde hair a loose t shirt and black shorts . Broad chest , narrow waist standing proud an air of carelessness about him.

“Kimi?” Niki gasped. The youth walked past him and locked hands with the other young man. They hugged and then the crowd erupted and the sounds of heavy guitars filled Nikis ears and he watched the much older kimi bounce on his feet his fist in the air.

Niki looked back to the stage and the crowd.

“Lauri…?”.

Niki woke with a start; quite quickly he realized he was sweating and was ever so slightly squashed. He looked down and there was lauri on his left, kimi was on his right and James was behind kimi. Niki looked closely at both boys as if checking his sons where still actually children and he hadn’t suddenly gotten trapped in the future.

Niki had, had a similar dream about kimi long ago, one where kimi was standing in a bright red Ferrari racing suit towering above everyone on the podium as world champion. 

Niki lay in silence his mind racing. Was he having visions? If he was then that meant that lauri was going to be some kind of musician? Playing to packed out arenas? Niki shook his head surely that was ridiculous? Even kimi as world champion was a ridiculous dream there was no way Niki could know what his young sons would become or achieve. Of course he wished for there success but how could he possibly see it?

Kimi stirred next to him and Niki looked adoringly at him as his tired eyes fluttered opened.

“there’s my champion. Morning kimster” kimi snuggled closer to him. That’s when Niki noticed that both boys had locked hands across his chest.

Lauri stirred next and looked across at kimi before meeting Nikis warm gaze. He smiled instantly. Nikis heart filled with relief.

“and morning to you to little man” 

“Isa” kimi muttered through a yawn.

“Tell us a story?” kimi looked up at him with his big blue eyes.

“hmmmm I think I’m all out of those, unless its one you’ve heard before”

Kimi chewed his lower lip deep in thought.

“I know! Tell us about you! Tell us about Austria and when you where little”

Niki raised an eyebrow “really kimi? I don’t think that would be very interesting…”

“no please? Id like to hear it” Lauri’s soft voice cut him off and Niki suddenly felt like he was already being manipulated by both of them . 

“alright, well I suppose Austria is different from Finland. People aren’t as …shy or reserved. Maybe not even as polite. But we are funny and welcoming…mostly. My grandfather was a very rich man who ran his family like he ran his business, with complete authority and precision. He wasn’t all that nice, my grandmother however, she was wonderful. As was my mother but my father and me never saw eye to eye. I was very like you kimi, didn’t like rules usually was in trouble. But the most important thing for you both is never ever to end up like me and my brother. We hated each other, from the moment he was born he was a huge pain in my side, we never had fun or spoke to one another or laughed or played together we’re very different. Anyway so I got in a lot of trouble and did some pretty bad things but everyone makes mistakes. As long as you learn from them, alright kimi?”

Kimi nodded sheepishly knowing what Niki was referring to “and always remember to, that money will buy you everything except happiness. So don’t ever over look those in need, you two will be good to each other wont you?” they both nodded in unison smiling at each other.

“anyway that’s not much of a story is it? Plenty of time for those. Now I think we should wake James? Yes? Who wants to jump on him?”

“Me!” kimi yelled and sprung back wards onto James who let out a very undignified 

“ooof!”

Lauri crawled over Niki and joined kimi lying awkwardly over James.

“monsters!” James complained attempting to pry them off him.

“you put them up to this didn’t you rat?” James tried to grab Niki whilst still pinned under both boys.

“me? never!” he gasped pretending to be offended. 

Niki laughed as he left the room to a chorus of giggles and James screaming.

“get them off! One was bad two is torture!”

When they all thundered down stairs around twenty minutes later . Niki had made breakfast and had taken a shower

Lauri gazed at his face curiously.

Kimi caught him staring. “its his red half. He was in a huge famous racing accident.”

Niki glanced over his shoulder pretending he couldn’t hear what was being said, waiting for lauri to ask the inventible question. How did you get it?

Instead he said “I like it” and finished his cereal. Niki smiled to himself. James retrieved his morning paper and sat next to kimi nursing a coffee. Niki looked over at them, they looked like a family. Of course with kimi they had always been a tight unit. But now things just ‘looked’ right. 

After breakfast kimi and lauri went out to play together.

“come see my new racing kart!” kimi beamed.

“are you really going to race with it?” lauri asked , disbelief in his voice.

“of course! And im going to win! And look at this my best friend Nico got me this helmet, see ? it says iceman!”

“what’s iceman?” lauri laughed.

“me! im the iceman! Its my…uh…”

“nickname?” lauri finished for him.

“yes that!”

“im lintu” this time it was kimis turn to laugh.

“bird? Why bird?” he asked curious.

Lauri shrugged. “dunno but I kinda like it! Imagine a big eagle with huge wings! Flying over everything!”

Kimi nodded that did sound rather cool

“hey! Isa niki drives planes! Huge ones! We will go in one when its time for a holiday”

lauris jaw dropped slightly

“they are really rich aren’t they?” kimi nodded as if that was obvious having never thought much about his families wealth.

“didn’t your parents or grandparents have lots of money?” lauri shook his head.

“no…I think they where really poor” kimi didn’t quite grasp the concept of poor but he knew it meant someone with not as much luxury as he had.

“well don’t worry now. I don’t get everything I want but I do have nice things, my Isa’s are good to me they will be to you to! And don’t be afraid I’m also adopted”

Lauri’s eyes went wide and he starred at kimi is disbelief.

“you mean…one of them isn’t your real dad?”

“ They are both my real dads!” kimi shouted feeling offended, lauri recoiled and kimi regretted his outburst .

“im sorry I didn’t mean to shout. But they are, and they are yours to now. I didn’t want to share them…I didn’t want a brother but I’m glad its you”

Lauri shuffled his feet in the snow and looked up at kimi under his thick black eyelashes.

“Really?”

Kimi walked round the racing kart and put an arm round him.

“Really.” 

James and Niki watched them through the glass doors looking out onto the garden.

James kissed his neck affectionately.

“you have the best ideas Niki. This whole family is your creation”

Niki smirked leaning into him “when did you get so deep asshole?”

James nuzzled his cheek. “it’s the truth. I could never have seen this back in formula 3. This future just would have been a fantasy”

James words brought Niki back to his dreams. It was true their situation now would have been unrealistic back then, it would have been a dream. And yet Niki is trying to convince himself that his own dreams can never become reality. Seeing them both playing in the snow Niki wonders, has he seen the future?

If so it would seem that it’s a bright one.


	24. Awakenings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauri 's personality fast emerges . niki and james yern for some private time.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter24.jpg.html)

When Nico met lauri the introduction was brief and fleeting. Lauri was happy for kimi and Nico to go off and enjoy themselves. he had quickly developed a rather hermit like quality. Excusing himself to his room where Niki would sometimes spy on him (just to make sure he was alright) 

Niki gave that up when he realized that lauri was happy alone to draw and play music , which Niki had also observed he was naturally gifted in. his little fingers gliding across the piano keys or guitar strings with little to no effort almost every note executed to perfection he was a prodigy, that was undeniable. But nothing would be made of it , not ever . 

When James exclaimed that he could be selling out arenas. Niki firmly put his foot down. Because where lauri was concerned he had recognized that reclusive quality , that need to just be left alone it was something he to possessed and a trait kimi also had, especially when it came to the media intruding on there family. Kimi was not a fan. Niki didn’t want lauri subjected to any of that. infact the media was yet to snap an image of lauri . 

The world had yet to see there new sons face. Niki liked that. 

Their house was now filled with the soft melodies of the piano by day and the soft strumming of the guitar in the evening. There was no use getting lauri a tutor , mika who was musical himself had informed them that lauris skill far surpassed his age and even his need for tuition. Mika predicted that soon lauri would probably be able to compose his own music. 

Kimis relationship with Nico was further strengthened by the knowledge that they would soon be Karting together. Nico was to have his eighth birthday soon.  
And like kimi he expected a kart and keke had already promised that he would get one. 

Nicos party was similar to kimis lots of his family and friends , except kimi only got to spend the morning and lunch with him because sina wanted him for the evening. Keke surprised Nico with his Kart outside and James fetched kimis from their house. The two of them had their very first race. Kimis present to Nico was custom racing over alls. 

Kimi took Nico easily , Nico wasn’t used to the feel or maneuvering of the kart and kimi had already had plenty of practice, however Nico didn’t take his loss to heart. instead he wanted to keep trying over and over gain. Lauri watched with vague interest as they went round after round. 

Lauri had more interest in kimis motorbike which mika had gotten him. Kimi had used it a few times but was much more passionate about the kart so lauri had taken the bike. 

He also refused hair cuts, which aggravated James who liked kimis long but tidy hair cut. James was already teasing Niki about lauri becoming a grungy reclusive teenager who spend all his time smoking illegal substances alone In his room with his guitar and his wild hair. Niki didn’t find it amusing.

After a few more weeks James had managed to turn there large back yard into a make shift Karting track in preparation for kimis first competitive race. It seemed they had two prodigies on there hands. Kimi had raw natural racing talent and speed in abundance. He was clearly sponsorship material. Niki suddenly panicked at the thought that in a few short years a high profile team would wish to groom there son for formula 1. That would be it then, kimi would leave . 

Niki became more and more concerned that he was going to loose one son to racing and the other to his room with the door firmly locked in their faces.

He was far off in his thoughts when lauri slipped up and a word that he had yet to utter to either Niki or James slipped of his tongue.

“Isa?” Niki nearly choked. Before then he had been just ‘Niki’ and James was just ‘James’ they hadn’t pushed lauri to call either of them dad, father, papa or Isa.

Niki tried to keep his cool. “yes lau? What is it son?”

Lauri pulled his jeans up and both his knees where scrapped and bleeding. He was trying his best not to cry.

“I fell….” Niki picked him up and sat him on the kitchen counter. He caressed his cheek and made comforting sounds gently patting his back.

He ran a cloth with look warm water and dabbed his injured knees. Lauri hissed in pain. 

“How did you manage that?”

Just then a rather sheepish looking kimi appeared looking down at his feet.

“Isa niki?...I did it. I pushed him”

Niki looked down at kimi who wouldn’t meet his gaze.

“lauri is this true? Did kimi push you?”

Lauri looked away and nodded. Niki felt himself slowly growing angrier. But before he could investigate further kimi spoke again.

“he went to that old cabin and when I followed him he ran out onto the road to get away from me, a truck came …so I pushed him….you said we where never to go there again”

Niki felt a wash of strange emotions come over him. Anger, pity, betrayal, confusion, helplessness.

“Ok kimi you can go. I need to talk to your brother”

Kimi raced back outside. Lauri held out his hand and opened his fist revealing a little bird charm.

“I wanted it…it was my mothers. Im sorry” Nikis eyes met his and he just couldn’t be mad at him.

“lauri. What ever you want from that house, ask me or James to take you first. You don’t ever run off! Understand? We will help you with whatever you need . just ask us”

Lauri nodded and gave the small charm to Niki. 

“can you keep it safe for me?” Niki smiled and nodded . He placed it in a small hand carved wooden box that he kept in above the fireplace in the kitchen along with kimis first lock of hair and the first tooth he had lost and even his first set of baby mittens. 

Niki finished cleaning lauri up and fed both boys, leaving James to get them ready for bed.

At weekends they could choose a room and sleep together. This week it was Lauri’s room and both him and kimi snuggled up together whilst James read to them. 

Niki lingered in the doorway and listened in as James finished there story and kissed them goodnight.

“James?” lauri said in his soft little voice.

“Yes lauri?” 

“Can I call you and Niki Isa now? I have been here a long time…”

James knelt by the bed and took his hand kimi watched smiling.

“Lauri you could have called us that from the beginning if you had wanted to. Sweetheart this is your family now. This is your home. Ok?”

“ok. I love you both..” lauri added sounding slightly unsure.

Niki knew James must have been tearing up .

“we love you to little man. And the kimster” James winked and kimi giggled.

“Goodnight boys, sweet dreams”

James met Niki in the hallway who was looking at him slightly amused.

“your such a sap James hunt!”

“And you’re a sneaky rat! Niki Lauda!” Niki tugged James shirt.

James looked at him knowingly.

“Should we?” Niki smirked.

“we have a lock…you can gag me if your worried that much!”

James started to go slightly red in the face.

“Do not tempt me with such things! Your such a tease!”

They both ended up forgetting to lock the door. Luckily Niki was used to forcing himself to be quiet. It was a skill he had developed as soon as kimi had come home. Usually though biting into the pillow helped. 

James somehow never managed to loose his stamina, and Niki supposed going a few days without sex certainly helped. Niki didn’t get much sleep that night. James had no sooner finished than he had wanted to start again. 

The boys where restless the next day almost sensing that James and Niki had been ‘up to something’ behind there backs. James figured a day out wouldn’t hurt them and arranged for mika to take them skiing. He and Niki needed some valuable adult time together. 

The previous nights rough sex in the dark wasn’t enough and James was missing hearing Niki cry out in pleasure as they made love to one another. As soon as the boys where out of sight James had Niki against the kitchen counter.


	25. I go Solid you go Liquid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Niki get down and dirty for the first time time in almost eight years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING EXPLICIT CONTENT IN THIS CHAPTER.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter25.jpg.html)

The first thing to go was Nikis cap. James strong hands making there way to Nikis head running his finger through the thick soft brown hair, caressing the scaring underneath. 

Niki was tugging at his clothes desperately. There tongues battling against each other. Niki was already moaning, James couldn’t hold back. He wrestled Nikis shirt off pulling it up over his head and throwing it to the floor attacking his bare chest with his mouth. Nikis head fell back his hands grasping James long platinum blonde locks. 

James bit , sucked licked and scrapped at his chest and abdomen. Thumbing the scar from his surgery which was still tender and made Niki gasp.

James fell to his knees and unzipped Nikis jeans, pulling his belt off through the loops of the fabric with one easy tug. He slipped the offending garment down Nikis thighs along with his underwear, they weren’t young men anymore. James saw no need to prolong the inevitable. And took Nikis already hardened length in his mouth. 

Nike groaned in absolute pleasure. It had been longer than he could remember since James had taken the time to pleasure him like this. Foreplay was a thing of the past once you had a child. 

Niki looked down as his cock disappeared into James deliciously wet and swollen mouth, James hair swaying with his backwards and forewords movement.

Niki caressed his hair gently, he knew if there positions where reversed James would be pulling his hair and forcing him foreword. They both liked different things and they both accepted that. James was being especially gentle with him after there initial animalistic make out session.

James tongue slid over the vein on the underside of his cock which made pre come start leaking from the head and James lapped at his greedily.  
Niki would have happily taken the blow job and then let James have his way, but it didn’t seem right now they had the place to themselves and Niki wanted to be generous and let James fuck him into orgasm. They never got to do that anymore, usually James would come inside him then give him a hand job and James would be ready to go again whilst Niki wasn’t quite able to come twice in the space of thirty minutes. James was an unusual specimen, his body didn’t work quit like the average males.

“James, ugh…stop. Stop arsehole” Niki sounded almost pleading, positive he could feel that familiar knot in his stomach and that he was going to come.

James stopped sucking and looked up at him, Niki was already sweating his chest heaving in and out.

“Don’t finish it like that. Lets go up stairs..”

James was also sweating strands of blonde hair sticking to his forehead and cheeks.

“I wont make it upstairs…the couch?”

Niki nodded and James stood removing his shirt and jeans and underwear. Niki lay on the couch on his back and James towered over him.

They spend a moment just kissing lovingly James caressing Nikis skin graft, Nikis arms wresting lazily round his neck. James lowered his whole body flush against Nikis there hard cocks rubbing against each other.

James moaned so load that if they had neighbors Niki as positive they would have heard it.

“I’ve missed this so much” James fingers danced over Nikis jaw down his neck and over his chest where James drew invisible patterns across his tanned skin.

Niki smiled and spread his legs wider so James could fit between them more comfortably.

“Stop talking and get inside me. I’ve been waiting long enough. Now you’re just being a tease”

James caught his lips is a chaste kiss “well, I did learn from the best” Niki smirked up at him and whined displeased as James lifted his hips sliding his hand between there bodies.

“lift you hips a little and spread your legs wider” Niki pushed his hips up , lifting his knees to his chest.

He felt James fingers over his cock then between his legs ghosting over the skin between his balls and his opening. Then James fingers danced over his entrance. He watched as James pulled his hand back from between there bodies and spat on his palm.

“James that’s discussing! We are not 22 anymore! “ Niki protested , James smirked back at him.

“you know that the leaking from my cock isn’t enough , and I am not moving to get you lube!”

James brought his hand to his cock and spread his saliva mixed with pre come up and down the shaft. He re positioned himself , one hand by Nikis head on the arm of the couch the other on one of Niki thighs forcing it further towards his chest. 

James slid in gently, the swollen head of his cock disappearing into Niki puckered entrance. James had sorely missed doing this, watching himself entering his lover and then watching Nikis face. 

Niki closed his eyes and his mouth fell open in a silent cry. That’s exactly what James had missed seeing. It was always better slow. The rushed nights in the dark where nothing compared to this.

Niki let his body relax and concentrated on the feeling of James long thick girth sliding inside him caressing his inner walls and forcing them open slowly instead of the sharp tearing motion he was used to. 

The head of James cock nestled against his prostate deep inside him and that’s when Nikis eyes snapped back open and he was looking directly into James eyes.

“is that it?” James gasped barely able to speak. Niki could only nod in response. James was pressed so close to him he could feel the tickle of his pubic hair against his entrance. There chests where parallel the sweat making it easier for James to slide up and down his body. 

Niki rested a hand on his lower back just above James ass. James hips rocked up and down in a slow sensual rhythm. 

His cock slipping out a slight bit then sliding back in with gentle force. Then James rotated his hips in a clockwise motion changing the feeling inside Niki. James cock stroking his prostate in a different more exciting way. Niki dug his nails into the small of James back James bit softly into his neck.

The slow rotation of James hips continued and then that feeling was back in Nikis chest. He could feel the surge start in his lower stomach then slowly everything became over sensitive. James caught the warning when Nikis inner walls tensed around his cock .

“Not yet baby, just a little longer. Don’t leave me yet not when its so good like this” James hair was sticking to his neck and face which was flushed and he was panting. Niki was spent already , he wasn’t even sure he had the energy to ride out his looming orgasm. His chest , thighs, neck , face and hair was slick with sweat .

“I ..i cant , James . James I’m nearly there”

James stilled his hips hoping that Niki might be able to last longer without the constant motion against his prostate. They lay like that James buried deep inside Niki, Niki painfully hard, his cock buried between there bodies.

“Just…just let me look at you for a moment.” James whispered weakly.

Niki’s deep blue eyes where closing, he was exhausted . 

“Why are you looking at me…like that?” Niki could barely speak his thick accent marring the words, as he was tempted to slip into his native German. English was never easy for him when it came to bedroom activities as it required thinking and at that moment Nikis mind was barely firing.

“because your so beautiful like this , every minute you amaze me but like this , laying here completely mine , completely spent trusting me . this is how I got to know you best. im the only one who knows you like this and that you chose me makes me feel like he luckiest man alive”

Nikis chest heaves and he manages to summon enough strength to lift his head off the arm of the couch and catch James lips in a soft sweet kiss. as he falls back and his eyes slip closed he mutters.

“ich liebe dich mein james”

“I love you Niki” James relies and starts to thrust gently back into him.

Niki grasps his biceps as he comes James feeling the surge of thick liquid against his stomach and the ripple of tensing muscles as Niki clenches his abdomen , his orgasm ripping through him . Nikis inner walls tense unbearably and James manages half a thrust back inside him before he comes violently releasing deep inside Niki. 

Niki can feel the warm liquid filling him up and he sighs contentedly and his body relaxes. James falls into him unable to breath evenly and the silent room his filled the gasps and pants of the two men as they recover and come down from there high. 

As always James takes a few minutes and he pushes off Niki his cock slipping out of the limp body beneath him. He sits back holding Nikis knees and keeping them apart as he watches his seed seep out of Nikis entrance.

“James you know that makes me uncomfortable…” Niki mutters looking at him through half lidded eyes.

James face goes red instantly and he looks back at Niki.

“sorry….i like it though. Your mine Niki”

Niki closes his eyes and smiles in pure bliss “you don’t need to watch that to know I’m yours, but whatever makes you happy …asshole”

James laughs and lays back on top of him.

“how long before we can go again?” James ask having substantially recovered.

“At least give me enough time to get hard again! We don’t all work like you! Did you never come out of puberty?”

James laughs and kisses him “apparently not!”

Niki takes a while to rest James laying with him until he’s ready again. The next time is more rough, more James style with Niki on his stomach ass raised and James knelt behind him. They spend the rest of the day making love in various positions and in various rooms. And before the boys are due home Niki leaves James the unpleasant task of cleaning up. Whilst he takes a well deserved rest.


	26. the Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nico is experiencing changes in his life and he isn't handling them to well.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter26.jpg.html)

Nico couldn’t sleep. His mother was coming to take him back to Monaco any day now. He would miss kimis first Scandinavian under 12’s kart race, and he wouldn’t be able to enter. He was devastated and had cried and cried. He was all cried out lying there in his room in the house where they all used to live together staring at the ceiling in despair.

He heard a thud from down stairs, which made him sit bolt up right. He jumped out of bed his bare feet hitting the wooden floor . He padded softly down the stairs clutching the banister. 

Mika was on the floor in the hall struggling to stand Nico cowered by the stairs as his father approached and grabbed mika pulling him back onto his feet. Nico could see he had a black eye and his lip was burst open, blood trailing down his chin.

Keke was screaming at him, Nico brought his hands to his ears and images of the long fights between his mother and father came flooding back to him. He shook back and forth on the stairs as the two men screamed and fought.

Nico watched confused and terrified as they finally both fell to there knees on the floor clutching each other. mika had started crying and keke was now cradling his face in his hands whispering apologies and kissing him tenderly.

Nico met mikas eyes and instantly froze. Mikas face was bruised and his eye was swollen, blood was drying on his lips and chin. Keke followed mikas eyes and he stood to approach Nico. 

Nico flinched and raced upstairs stumbling twice in his rush to escape. Keke followed him leaving mika in the hall, battered and bruised.

Nico locked himself in the bathroom hugging his knees to his chest cowering between the bath and the sink, rocking back and forth.

The door handle shook violently.

“Nico? Nico open the door please” the handle rattle more “Nico?! Get out here! Open this door now!”

Nico thought his father might actually break the door down when he started slamming his fist against it.

Nico could hear another muffled voice on the other side of the door pleading with his father in Finnish. Mika had a hint of fear in his voice. Not his usual comedic happy tone.

There was another thud outside and the sounds of scuffling and rustling and more thudding. Nico heard what sounded like mika cry out in pain. And he raced to open the door.

When it swung open his father was stalk still at the top of the stairs mika wasn’t anywhere to be seen . Nico cautiously strained foreword . Mika was face down at the bottom of the stairs blood pouring from his head. 

Nico screamed. 

He shot up in bed sweating screaming at the top of his lungs, suddenly his room door flew open and his father appeared flicking on the light and rushing to him. Nico screamed louder and panicked when he saw him , pushing him away. Keke pulled him to his chest and held him in a vice like grip until he stopped struggling.

Nico sobbed and sobbed, keke was beyond concern it was like something had happened to Nico. He seemed almost possessed. 

“Son stop, please , please tell me what’s wrong, please tell me” Nico couldn’t speak. Then mika appeared looking highly concerned. His face was perfect, no blood, no bruises. It was just a nightmare?

Nico stopped sobbing.

“mmm …m..mika?” kekes grips loosed and Nico looked up at the youthful blonde .

“I had a nightmare…” Nico mumbled , mika sat next to keke and took his hand.

“ya, is over now. Yes? Everything’s ok” mika smiled at him and Nico smiled back.

He was still trembling in keke’s arms.

“son what happened in your nightmare?” keke looked at mika in despair as Nico went ridged in his arms and color drained from his face.

Nico started to cry again “you had a huge fight! You pushed mika down the stairs and his head was bleeding! You killed him!”

Mika and keke looked at each utterly alarmed by what had just come out of the eight year olds mouth.

“Nico…..what…did you watch some kind of film you weren’t supposed to with kimi? Where on earth would you get something like that in your head!”

Nico mumbled incoherently and held mikas hand a little tighter.

Keke took a deep breath “it was just a dream, you know its not real. You can see me and mika and we are fine aren’t we? Id never hurt him and he’d never hurt me .understand?”

Nico nodded . mika slipped some strands of his hair out of his eyes and kissed his cheek. Keke kissed his other cheek. Nico felt safe again.

“Stay with me fadder? Mika you to” they snuggled up in Nicos bed . 

Two weeks later It was Niki who found him . Mika, at the bottom of the stairs in his own house, face down, blood seeping from a wound to his head.


	27. Light and shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikas secret has finally effected him. he cant pretend anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mina rakastan sinua = 'i love you' in Finnish

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter27.jpg.html)

Kimi’s first race was suspended and he would have to start a few weeks later due to the tragedy with mika.

The police had been called. The scene was cordoned off. Niki was questioned as was keke . Then Niki was detained due to the nature of the incident and the fact that he, just happened to be there. James had told the boys Niki was away on business. He cried himself to sleep every night Niki was away, hoping praying that this whole mess would clear up. It was the last thing they needed.

Keke pleaded Niki’s innocence but kept being told it was precautionary measures, as Niki was the only one present at the scene. The law at that point wasn’t to sophisticated. 

The cell was small, cold. But Niki had seen one before as a very young man when he had crashed his grandfathers car. He would be ok , James though, he wasn’t so sure about. 

When mika finally came round, his explanation for what happened was plausible enough that Niki was equated of all charges. Keke told Nico to firmly keep his mouth closed about his dream. Nico had no intentions of telling. But a dread filled in his stomach, had his father pushed mika?

Keke apologized profusely to James and Niki. But James seemed to traumatized and hurt to even acknowledge him. Niki however was concerned for mika and wanted to know what had happened. Keke didn’t have the answers. He didn’t know himself. 

Mika’s story was that he had drunkenly got up in the middle of the night, couldn’t find the light switch had thought he was in keke’s house, and had taken a wrong turn. resulting in him ending up with a fractured skull and bruising on the brain. And the somewhat devastating news that his racing career was over because his motor skills might be impaired. The police bought it , because blood tests had shown high levels or alcohol and narcotics in his system. 

The accident meant however, that in a strange turn of events. Nicos mother had opted to stay in Finland, out of some strange sympathy for here ex husbands predicament. Nico wasn’t going back to Monaco , yet.

Mika thankfully would make a full physical recovery and required only two minor surgeries and some stitches, lots of bed rest and some serious loving care from keke. He did seem a little slower than normal though, which didn’t go unnoticed by James and Niki. 

Nico watched as his father doted on mika kissing him softly and whispering apologies into his soft blonde hair. Nico didn’t know what the apologies where for, the accident wasn’t his fathers fault…or was it? 

Keke was different than when he was with sina. Mika made him better, less aggressive more emotional and kinder and everything Nico wanted. Nico liked the man his father was, when he was with mika. He couldn’t deny that.

When mika arrived back at keke’s house two months after the accident, having endured some cognitive and physical therapy. Nico would sit outside their bedroom door as long in depth discussions took place on the other side. He couldn’t quit make out all of it but he could hear his own name mentioned frequently.

One evening when they thought he was safely tucked up in bed. Sina having allowed him to stay over. Nico could hear them clearly, both talking in Finnish, he crouched by the door which was ajar and listened.

“mika ….I cant . we have been over this!”

“he’s better off in Finland , you saw how distressed he was? That nightmare about us fighting you fought with her constantly now he’s dreaming it will happen to us!”

mika sounded so unlike himself it made Nico uncomfortable.

“What about your injury? I didn’t cause that! Its just strange childhood nightmares! It was two months ago! Hes still our son! Mine and sina’s, I can’t take him away from her….I didn’t want to have this discussion again! Not after last time! Because last time you went home got drunk and nearly killed yourself! Your so lucky the hospital bought that story about you ‘thinking’ you where in the wrong house! Why? Mika why did you do it I just don’t understand! What made you think ending it was the answer??” 

Keke’s voice was strained and filled with pain, Nico wasn’t used to his father getting so emotional. 

“I want us to be a family. I love that boy! Ill never have children…youll let her take him away! You don’t know how much he means to me!”

Nico watched through the crack in the door as his father approached mika and caressed his face gently.

“I know mika. I know .., but I can’t take Nico off his mother, we cant be like James and Niki. I’m sorry I just couldn’t do that to him. You need help with this depression…”

Just then Nico burst through the doors , clearly startling both men and latched himself on to mikas leg.

“Please ow please fadder! Please I want to stay with you and mika forever! I don’t like Monaco! I don’t want to be a tennis player like what mumma wants. I want to race! I want to see kimi everyday! I want to stay in Finland!” Nico gazed up at mika “please mika. Please don’t let him send me away! Please!”

Mika looked at keke dead in eyes and simply added 

“see”

keke glanced at Nico who looked back at him check pressed to mikas waist not letting go of his grip on mikas leg.

“But Nico…your mumma, she loves you son.” Keke couldn’t see how separating his son from his mother and applying for full custody would ever be a good idea. But Nico looked ta him with such pleading eyes.

“she can visit. If she loved me if you both love me you’ll listen to me! You never listened last time when I said I didn’t want to leave! Please listen now…I want to stay here with you and mika. Mika wants it to! Don’t hurt us both again”

Keke knelt and took his hand 

“its not that simple son” Nicos eyes filled with disappointment and keke felt like he was letting his only child in the world down and making him suffer needlessly just because the adult world was filled with rules and laws and complications. 

Keke looked up at mika but was met with a stern gaze. 

“we …we’ll try ok? That’s all I can promise you is that we will try.”

“Try?” mika asked.

“To keep Nico here , together as a family”

Mikas usual bright smile was back and Nico threw himself into kekes arms. Keke lifted him and kissed mika. Nico held his arms out and mika took him holding him close Nico resting his head on his shoulder. 

Of course keke had foreseen all the problems. His lawyer urged him not to even try and take the case to court after all joint custody was better that no custody, and if keke lost sina would take Nico away forever. 

Mika was slightly devastated that Nico wouldn’t be staying with them. And as keke let go of his little hand when sina came to collect him both keke and mikas hearts broke as he turned to look back at them eyes filled with tears.

Mika and keke spent the whole evening in silence sitting at opposite ends of the living room staring into nothingness the sounds of toys cars whizzing through the hall or the laughter echoing from upstairs as a happy little boy read his favorite comics, was gone. 

The house was dead the life had been sucked from it.

Night fell before either of them noticed. Mikas eyes grew heavy and he feel asleep. Keke finally rose and walked towards him.

He gazed down at mikas still form, long blonde hair framing his perfect youthful face. 

Keke leaned forward and kissed him, mikas eyes fluttered but he didn’t wake.

“mina rakastan sinua” keke whispered .

Suddenly an idea hit him, a wonderfully crazy insane spur of the moment idea. 

He shook mika gently.

“Mika, mika wake up!”

Mika groaned and opened his eyes gazing up at keke.

“mika…you love me?”

Mika still half asleep looked at him like he was a crazy man.

“yes…what is this? Let me sleep ya?”

Keke ran his hand through mikas hair making mika shiver and wake up that little bit more.

“Mika do you love me?”

“mina rakastan sinua” mika mumbled and keke grinned.

“Nico is always going to be my son and yes when he’s here we will both love him and you will be a huge part of his life . Why don’t we have a child? Together? Me and you? Niki and James , look at there family, two perfect boys. We could adopt…”

Now mika was positive keke was crazy “did I smash the my skull or was it you?”

“I’m serious mika! Lets adopt together.”


	28. the Future dawns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi leaps onto the world Karting scene with spectacular results.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter28.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter28copy.png.html)

It was kimis big day, at last! Niki and James stood nervously at the side of the track they could see all the boys , in there various different colored over alls and different styles of helmets. Kimi was climbing into the driver seat . 

Niki was tense. Camera crews had arrived upon getting a tip of that the famous son of Niki Lauda and James hunt would be having his first competitive race and that there new child would be present. 

Lauri had already been blinded by flashes, and various reporters tried to speak to him. Eventually security at the track had fended them off. Sina had promised to bring Nico but so far there was no sign. Kimi knew is his heart Nico wouldn’t be there. Keke was however , with mika. 

Mika was on medication now, he was stable. He seemed his usual chirpy self and his presence always eased tensions. He was always by nikis side , in truth keke was more James friend and Niki had mika. 

James put a steady hand on Nikis shoulder careful not to get to close with the cameras watching.

“God Niki I can’t believe we are letting him do this. Look at all the press! Kimi hates the media.”

Niki leaned against the barrier watching kimi. 

“he loves driving more. We had to let him James. He has to race. Did you put lauri back in the car out of sight?”

James nodded. The track martial called everyone to there karts. All the parents and spectators went quiet and Niki closed his eyes and took a breath. James was shaking at his side. 

Keke held James shoulders from behind mika patted Nikis back supportively.

“guys chill he’s gonna do great!” keke tried to provide some reassurance.

The martial lifted the flag and the engines roared to life.

“I’m gonna be sick” Niki muttered and James held his arm tightly.

The flag lowered for the qualifying lap, which would determine kimi’s place on the grid. The karts sped of and whizzed past them. Niki strained his head to follow kimi. They lost him in the group of boys unable to see his helmet. Mika stood on the bottom bar of the barrier for a better look and suddenly started pointing and screaming at them.

“he’s second! He’s second! Look!”

James , Niki and keke clambered up onto the barriers, as they did kimi overtook the front runner. James and Niki erupted in a series of triumphant roars .

Beside them a very disappointed looking father started cursing in Finnish. Mika assumed kimi had just over taken his son.

Kimi had pole position. His first race ever and he was on pole. Niki couldn’t quite believe it. Suddenly the press started trying to clamber back onto the track to speak to them.  
James approached and what he said was all they needed to hear 

“Kimi Raikkonen boys, son of James hunt and three times world champion Niki Lauda. Remember that name write it everywhere. You’re about to witness history in the making! One day you can all look back and say ‘hunt predicted his son would be world champion!’ and let kimi see it!”

James walked away triumphantly. The karts started up again, the flag fell once more. 26 laps latter James and Niki had a sweaty smiling boy on there shoulders holding a first place trophy. Keke and mika snapped pictures as kimi stood on his first podium . His first win. There was no denying his talents.

Seeing the commotion lauri jumped out of the car, Niki and James had let him stay inside it due to the awful intrusion from the press. Throwing off his headphones attached to his brand new Sony Walkman, which Niki had bought him, he raced through the see of people to where he could see kimi on the podium. 

When kimi caught site of his little brother he jumped off from his place and grabbed him. Lauri held him tightly.

“I WON! I WON!” Kimi screeched and lauri laughed . James and Niki high fived mika and keke.

The press lapped it all up taking multiple shots of the brothers from all different angles. Once the commotion died down James was finally able to get his family back to the car. Mika and keke sorting the transportation of kimi’s kart.

Celebrations that night included lots of pizza and ice cream and all the sweats and fizzy drinks the boys could manage. 

Kimi’s first trophy took pride of place in the newly made cabinet James had crafted for kimi’s room. 

The boys, to hyper to sleep raced between kimi and Lauri’s rooms cars in their hands rein acting the days events. 

Keke , mika , James and Niki all settled down stairs with beers in hands. Talking technique and strategy and whether or not kimi had used either or if he was just lucky and naturally quick.

“he won fair an square, he was quick has amassing over taking ability and obviously his reaction times are spot on!” James added. Niki grinned at him.

“we will all know for sure by the next race. For now lets just agree kimi is a star!”  
Niki chimed raising his beer can and the other three men did the same.

“to the iceman!” mika hollered.

“to the iceman!!!” they all cried in unison.

Once the two tare aways where finally in bed asleep and more cans where opened with the fire softly burning and the dogs settled at there feet. Keke decided to ask his friends for there much needed advice and support.

“Guys , me and mika, we have decided to do something big and we need your help.”

Niki leaned back against James who was sipping his beer contentedly.

“Sure guys. What is it?”

Mika looked down wanting to avoid the conversation entirely.

“Nico…he will always be my son and mika knows that he will be involved in his life . But sina is a brilliant mother and she will be raising him after all , even though we have joint custody . She’ll be most important to him. And I cant raise him with mika alone together as we would have liked, mika have children of his own as you know and I cant have anymore…. so, we have decided to follow your lead and adopt together.”

James felt the beer rise back up and into his nose as he practically chocked. Niki patting his back .

He coughed and looked keke dead in the eye unable to speak. Niki decided he better start as James was obviously incapable of coherent thought or speech.

“eh…so, uhm . How did this come about? And have you both thought this through? Mika? What about your…you know condition?”

Keke looked to mika reassuringly . Mika scratched his head nervously. James watched him , noting how mika had suddenly become very quiet and unlike his usual self. His happy go lucky attitude had been hiding years of battling an illness that no one really understood. One that meant some days he was high on life and happier than any of them and others he wanted to lock himself away and the world didn’t matter. They called it a personality disorder then that was changed to depression. 

“i…well. I love nico….. I wants to be a father, ..i can handle the illness..im ok” mika shrugged and looked down his words failing him , he didn’t know what else to say.

Keke took over “we’ve discussed this at length mika and me. And we have decided we want to adopt. I will support mika . The decisions made we just need…some advice some help? Maybe you could put us back in touch with veronica? She used to be a friend of ours before she moved away from the house in the mountains where shed kept kimi. She helped you with lauri didn’t she? Do you still have a contact for her?”

Niki rubbed both his hands together his palms starting to sweat. He had no idea why he felt that this was going to change all their lives. Suddenly he felt strange. Like some kind of intuition was compelling him to help them, against his better judgment.

“yes ..well. So your thinking about adopting from Finland?”

James stayed silent still unable to process everything he was hearing quick enough to include himself in the conversation.

“no we thought maybe….a bit closer to you”

“Austria?!” Niki looked at them in disbelief. Keke smiled at his facial expression and shook his head.

“no! Your neighbor”

“Germany?” . keke nodded.

“It makes sense. Sina is after all German and Nico will eventually cease to speak Finnish . he’s already loosing the dialect I have to talk to him in English now” keke looked utterly saddened by that fact “his main language is German and his culture is mostly German. We felt, mika and I that a German child would suit Nico, that they’d have things in common. We cant chance that a Finnish child like kimi would come along . Nico and kimi are a one off bond. Its to risky to adopt a Finnish child , Nico would get jealous as we’d have so much in common where as his multicultural background makes him different.”

Niki looked at James who gazed back totally bemused.

“well…seems like you have both thought it through somewhat…ill pass on veronicas details to you. I guess if you have any questions you can always ask us. It does take a long time , the processes , depending on the age of the child …have you thought about that at all? What age or sex the child might be?”

Mika perked up at that “a boy! A brother for Nico. An…maybe ish round five years? For sure younger” mikas eyes filled with a sudden excitement and keke looked adoringly at him. James caught this and finally he spoke up.

“eh…..yeah ok well…good luck I guess and we are here if you need us”

Six months later James and Niki had word that mika and keke would be moving to Germany to stay with their new son. They posted pictures that arrived a few weeks after that. 

Lauri tore open the envelope him and kimi gazing at the photo, Niki and James glancing over there shoulders.

A little boy with an eleven shaped face, big blue eyes and a standard mushroom shaped hair cut , his hair a dirty blonde color darker than kimi and Nicos. Keke holding his hand whilst mika knelt by his side.

Lauri picked up a note from the floor which had slipped out on the envelope and read it 

“Dear Niki , James and sons. Please come meet us at our new home in Munich (there was an address scribbled underneath”. This is our new son. 

Sebastian Fabian Rosberg hakkinen Vettel.” 

“Sebastian vettel..” James a Niki muttered in unison.


	29. Growing Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> four boys, four lives, a million paths to take.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter29copy2.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter29copy.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter29.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/ScreenShot2014-04-12at144459.png.html)

One year past ,without much word or contact with keke and mika. Then another. time slowly removed the longing to see Nico from kimis mind. he encountered nicos new brother on track at his competitions. Keke and mika had managed to adopt a racing prodigy. This Sebastian was the biggest pain in kimis side. Every race they where either neck and neck fighting for first or kimi would end up third. He was never happy throwing his helmet at his feet and storming off in a very James hunt like manner. The media accused him of very un sporting behaviour.

Nicos karting had been confined to Monaco and England, occasionally he did Germany but never Scandinavia. Kimi and Sebastian where well travelled seasoned kart racers. Kimi got wind that Nicos team mate was a young black kid called Lewis Hamilton. He saw them standing arms round each other smiling together in a news paper which he promptly tore up and burned . 

The teenage years where fast approaching Kimi was now twelve , Lauri had just turned eleven. They had changed, kimi was taller, slim but muscular his face had begun to break out in angry teenage achne, red patches forming mostly round the areas where his helmet rubbed his skin. Lauri was also taller almost kimis height , with impressive biceps and a natural six pack forming on his abdomen. As far as personality went kimi had was the average run of the mill disinterested pre teen, who never said more that two words to his parents and usually grunted in response to there questions. 

Lauri was more a cause for concern. As james predicted long ago, he locked himself in his room wore grungy baggy clothing, his hair was unkempt and often he used strange substances like egg yolk or gels to spike his hair in strange directions. The one thing that had remained from there childhood was there easy uncomplicated relationship with one another.

There had been no major fights , no huge angry explosions and they never seemed to take each others things or bother each other. Family dinners round the table , which had always been compulsory , where quieter now but as soon as Niki and James stopped trying to make conversation the boys usually started one of there own Niki was grateful that at least kimi spoke to lauri. They had never attended a school since those few days in their childhood and Niki and James didn’t plan on sending them to a high school full time. They had tutors and plenty of assignments. Lauri was smart but lazy and when he did eventually do his homework he was a straight A student. kimi never did his and didn’t seem to care at all he just wanted to race.

There wouldn’t high school for them, but both boys would be taking formal classes at a local secondary for ex pat kids. It was a three day a week crash course to prepare them for exams should they ever wish to attend university which Niki and James highly doubted , but the wanted them to have the option. Until they reached the age of 18 they would both attend the classes. Unless kimi had races which lauri hopped and prayed would happen every week because he was dreading attending the place.

Sebastian who had been five when he was adopted was now nine years old. He was insanely talented within all forms of racing . At six he had won a local race on a kid sized motor bike, at seven he had challenged kimi’s lead in all world wide karting championships , at eight he had stolen kimi’s title from him and now aged nine was set to do it again. He saw his older brother Nico a few days every month or spent a few weeks in the summer with him. They got along but Sebastian wasn’t with him enough to form any deep lasting bond. Nico was still favored by keke who missed him greatly but lavished a lot of love and attention on Sebastian . However Sebastian was most closely bonded with mika. 

He was bouncy hyper active child, had everything he wanted or asked for and was spoiled. Nico had become somewhat jealous and had started telling sina he didn’t want to visit his father and would rather stay home. Kimi had drifted from his mind also and the once burning need to be in Finland with his friend had left him. He had a new friend now, one he spent a lot of time with. A boy called lewis from England.

The papers had written a lot about Lewis, because he was a black child. And he would possibly end up the first black man in formula 1 , if he got that far! They also wrote how odd him and Nico looked together, lewis with his dark skin , brown eyes and shaved afro hair, Nico with his caramel complextion bright blonde locks and striking blue eyes.

Lewis was fun and spontaneous and often there mothers would vacation together between races so they had holidays together. Lewis would backflip across the white sands of the Monaco beaches and Nico would laugh and cartwheel after him. 

On track they where fierce competitors and in there area of the world they where top dogs , Nico always pretended to be disinterested when Lewis would mention a fierce Scandinavian champion with eyes cold as ice and a frightening racing style called , kimi Raikkonen. He enjoyed how much Lewis liked to make fun of Sebastian, joking that some day they would both put him in his place and stop him winning all the time.

School for Nico was lonely and he hated it, his mother was also still pushing for him to become a tennis player and not a racing driver. Lewis parents where also divorced so they had that in common.

The day came for kimi and lauri to attend their first formal schoolings with other kids there own age since the disaster at there childhood school.

Since there wasn’t much age difference they would be schooled together in the same class. Niki and James where grateful as they knew they wouldn’t get kimi past the door if lauri was going to be in another building or indeed a different class.

They trudged down stairs, kimi having still forgotten his trousers and wearing a loose Mercedes team shirt that Niki had gotten him. Lauri was wearing green ish cargo trousers and a vest top showing his muscular arms. kimis hair was neater but that was all that was tidy about him . Lauri’s black hair was spiked in every direction. James put his head in his hand and sighed, they weren’t going to win so they might as well give up. Niki looked at him sympathetically.

“Morning boys” Niki chimed. Kimi grunted in response and lauri waved still looking half asleep.

Kimi flopped down rather unceremoniously on his stool at the breakfast bar , lauri beside him. Kimi lay his head on his hands and closed his eyes . Lauri poured them both there cereal which Niki had left out with two bowls , spoons and the milk and orange juice,.lauri pored kimi’s orange for him as well . James observed his younger son and couldn’t help marvel at how lazy kimi had become.

“lauri, kiddo don’t get it for him. He has hands” lauri shrugged.

“tis quicker if I do it” a soft wheezing noise came from the hunched lump leaning over the bar , niki glanced at him.

“My god he’s asleep again!...i swear kimi you will melt!” Niki said is disbelief. Lauri pressed the cold milk carton to kimi’s face which made him jump and sit upright. James grinned and Niki couldn’t hold his laughter at kimis shocked face.

Lauri smiled at kimi who glared at him , a look that James and Niki would fear had they not been seeing it since he was practically a baby. 

“Finish up boys! and kimi put some trousers on! You can walk or we can driver you, what il it be ?” James said looking hopefully at them both.

“Walk” they both said in unison. James face fell slightly. Niki walked over and patted his shoulder. He leaned down and whispered.

“They want to be independent, don’t take it to much to heart” James kissed him slowly , only kimi watched, lauri was never interested in how affectionate they where but kimi had started watching them a little closer as he had gotten older. 

When they pulled away and kimi caught the look in both there eyes his mind filled with a whole bunch of questions but those could wait for later.

Kimi disappeared up stairs after breakfast, lauri endured the hugging , kissing and James attempts at fixing him and Nikis tugging at his clothes before he was able to disappear outside to wait fro kimi. Kimi emerged trying his upmost to avoid all the fussing. He grunted a goodbye and closed the door they both caught Niki and James watching them through the window as they walked off.

The ‘school’ was barely twenty minutes walk and they past it ever day of there life’s walking to mikas old house as kids. When they passed it kimi stopped and looked. Someone else had bought it now and it was painted differently. Kimi remembered a cold winters night in mikas arms watching the northern lights from that front yard. Lauri stopped and stood with him. They would pass kekes house as well. There was sadness following them both as they walked the familiar paths. Kimi dragging his feet under him, hands in his pockets staring at the ground. Lauri at his side , arms swinging lazily staring at the sky. 

Kimi passed the Rosberg residence without so much as an upward glance but lauri noticed how his pace slowed and he sighed his shoulders sagging. 

“wonder how nicos doing …” he spoke hoping kimi would engage him.

Kimi shrugged and made a displeased noise “don’t care” he mumbled.

Lauri chewed his bottom lip and shrugged “ok, still would be nice to see him sometime” kimi didn’t respond so lauri fell silent again.

The school building loomed in the distance . It was average sized and modern with lots of glass windows and pristine white walls. The kids where al there age and older, some as old as eighteen but there was very few of them. The school was pretty expensive and there wasn’t so many ex pat kids in the area so it was exclusive and less kids meant less opportunity to get in trouble , or so Niki and James had hoped. 

The rooms where large, and the chairs and desk where comfortable and well spaced. Lauri sat at the back kimi slightly on front of him. The teacher was American and cracked some good jokes kimi occasionally smiled. The best thing about it however was the girls. Lots of different varieties for the boys to stare at. Kimi liked brunettes, and one especially pretty girl with silky brown hair past her waist and chocolate brown eyes had caught his attention. Lauri preferred blondes and had found himself a slim petite little thing to stare at with wavy blonde locks and big blue eyes.

At lunch both boys quickly engaged there interests lauri’s girl ended up sat with him all lunch time, kimi’s interest lingered near him for the rest of the day obviously intrigued by him but unable to coax him into any kind of meaningful conversation. 

James and Niki decided they where picking he boys up whether they liked it or not.

They pulled up on front of the school gates and James face practically ignited with pride as he saw lauri emerge holding hands with the little blonde, Niki gazed out the driver side window with James and laughed. The little girl waved and skipped of leaving lauri looking very pleased with himself. Then kimi emerged a striking brunette hanging on his arm she kissed his cheek and played with his spikey hair then skipped away waving at him , kimi in is usual fashion shrugged and smiled at her a little. James was beaming.

“Well they’ve had a successful first day!” Niki patted his shoulder.

“You can have the talk with them then” he winked and slid back into the passenger seat James looked at him bemused.

“what talk….ow….OW” he had finally caught on and looked at Niki slightly horrified.

“They are twelve and eleven! Surely that can wait….indefinitely!”  
Niki grinned.

“They are old enough, And you where the player James its not like I knew all that much about the ladies”

James was saved by the two boys hoping into the back seat of the car. 

“good day lads” James smirked . Kimi shrugged and lauri yawned.

Niki shook his head smiling as James started up the engine and they sped off.


	30. When boys become men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rivalries begin and friendships come to an end.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter30.png.html)

One morning, the usual routine of kimi and lauri trudging down stairs looking like they had just been dragged through a hedge backwards, was Brocken. Lauri emerged for his breakfast but there was no kimi. Niki thought maybe it was a simple case of kimi having slept through his 7th alarm. Niki had set seven so that they would go off periodically and maybe eventually he would get up to switch it off. The trick had worked wonders.

Niki knocked on his room door, no response. But he could hear ruffling and then something hit the floor and kimi let out a loud ‘ouch!’.

“kimster what on earth are you doing in there?” Niki called through the door.

“uh…don’t come in!” was the response. Niki waited. Five minutes later he decided he had enough and opened the door. 

“kimi…” Niki stopped and looked round “what the hell…” kimi had stripped the covers and sheets off his bed and was frantically trying to put fresh ones on. He looked at Niki mortified standing on front of his old sheets.

“re decorating kimi?” kimi looked distressed. Niki closed the door and walked towards him.

“Something the matter kimi?” Niki regretted asking as kimis brown furrowed tighter and his face went red then he yelled

“leave me alone!” and hid his face in his hands his body shaking with anger.

Niki forced his hands from his face “do not speak to me like that young man!”

Niki had gotten tougher on kimi as he gotten older, kimi had a fierce temper and it needed kept in check. 

“Tell me what your doing or get downstairs and get out that door to class. I am giving you till the count of three. One” kimi glared at him “two!” kimi folded his arms and remained defiant. 

“thre..”

“ok!!” Niki stared at him expectantly.

“i…I had an accident” kimi looked at the floor utterly deflated. Niki squeezed his shoulder and took the sheets off the floor. There was a slightly damp patch but Niki was quick to realize it wasn’t urine. For kimi that was good news for Niki…it was almost devastating.

He swallowed hard and gazed at his young son , it was to early to confuse him. They would talk after school.

“ok…ill handle this. Get washed dressed and off you go . have a good day . ill see you tonight” kimi grabbed his clothes and walked slowly to the bathroom still thinking he had wet the bed.

Once both boys where out the door on there way to school Niki sat at the kitchen table in silence . James shook him gently from behind.

“earth to niki lauda? Anyone home” Niki looked up at him and James smile fell. He pulled a chair over and sat next to niki taking his hand.

“what’s wrong? Why are you looking at me like that? Are you sick again?”

Niki shook his head .

“James…this morning, I walked in on kimi frantically trying to change his bedding. He thought he had an accident. He was so distraught”

James smile returned

“So that’s why he was sulkier than usual?. Don’t worry Niki it happens!”

Niki looked away his shoulders falling.

“No James. I looked at his bedding, it wasn’t..That. It was something else. He’s. …well he’s a man now. Or fast becoming one”

It took a moment before it dawned on James then he too fell silent for a long moment.

“So kimis…having wet dreams…shit, what do we do now? We never really thought about a house with two boys in puberty! Well one…for now…”

Niki shook his head 

“I have no idea what we do now…its not like my father ever talked to me about any of it! …I suppose we need to sit them both down and explain… the best we can. We don’t want lauri waking up one morning and asking us why kimis ….you know, excited, mornings are always the worst!”

James nodded in agreement.

“Morning erections are rather embarrassing….no more weekends in each others beds …think that needs to be a rule now. Kimi will want much more privacy from now on. And think in a few months we will be teaching him to shave!”

Niki smiled a little.

“Its not so bad…it’s not like we are losing him. Hes just changing! Hes going to be a great man whom everyone adores. You’ll see. The world wont know what’s hit them when our kimster comes on the scene!”

Niki laughed and took James hand in his.

“you always find the good in everything James hunt.”

That evening after dinner James and Niki gathered both boys into the living room, sitting across form them. James started as they had agreed earlier he was more experienced in all areas of the male form and sexual activities.

“Boys we need to have a chat with you both. A very serious chat and we need you both to listen carefully and if you have any questions you must ask us ok! Its very important that you do.”

The boys looked at each other confused but nodded anyway.

“Kimi….Niki told me about this morning, now before you say anything. You didn’t wet the bed ok. It was something else. Its called a ‘wet dream’ and all young boys your age and older can get them …”

James went on to explain about erections, sperm, ejaculation . Sex and using protection and even masturbating. The boy’s facial expressions changed form horror, to interest to utter repulsion. But they listened and reluctantly asked some questions. They both seemed frightened but also curious and kimi was put at ease by the knowledge that he would be fine and it was perfectly normal what was happening to his body. Lauri was less thrilled that there weekend sleep overs would be getting cancelled as kimi would require more and more of his own space.

The conversation got interesting when James had to ‘explain’ gay sex to the boys as one of kimis questions was - ‘how do you both have sex?’. Niki had went blood red and couldn’t look the boys In the eyes. James palms went sweaty and he tried to go into as little detail as possible instead hyping up the sex with girls hoping kimi would drop the subject in favor of asking more about that. 

The talk had proved invaluable as a few months later a very distressed lauri had raced down stairs crying thinking he to had wet his bed, then as Niki and James stood and reminded him of there ‘talk’ he had calmed and understood that he to was changing like his brother.

Over the following months the boys got hair in places that it hadn’t been before. And James and Niki began to notice how smelly teenage boys where! They began to feel sorry for there own parents! Before they knew it they had a fourteen and thirteen year old sauntering around the house. Leaving clothes everywhere, not doing chores or homework and inviting girls home to ‘study’. 

Kimi won numerous Scandinavian championships in karting and lauri had made new friends at there school whom he’d formed a band with . As predicted many years ago by mika, lauri composed his own music and wrote his own lyrics. James took less of an interest in lauris musical exploits than Niki . But despite some attention lauri was often jealous of the more lavish attention and praise often paid to his older brother during racing season and a rift was forming.

James and Niki where so caught up in kimi’s battle against the young contender  
‘Sebastian vettel’ and competing against there old adversaries mika and keke through kimi , that they where blind to Lauri’s growing disregard for rules and contempt for his brother.


	31. Guilty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is inspired by the hit song 'guilty' by the rasmus (Lauri's band) 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARxS9Y0J_h4 might be worth listening to it as you read this chapter :) 
> 
> ill post the lyrics at the end of the chapter.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter31.jpg.html)

Mika was on the couch with Sebastian in his lap . The two where snuggled up together with a blanket round them. keke caressed Sebastian’s soft hair as he walked past. Nico watched them from the corner of the room where he was sat pretending to be doing homework.

He was still not fond of his father’s new living arrangements or of Sebastian. The kid tried to be nice to him but Nico had no interest in him and he had no interest in his father’s life in Germany. 

He had started to hate everything except for karting. He hated his life most of all. In Monaco he was bullied at school for looking ‘like a girl’. At home with his mother he was expected to be pristine and proper and when he was with keke he had to endure the annoying and overly excited Sebastian. 

Keke approached him and attempted to touch his face, Nico pulled away and out of fathers reach. Things like that hurt keke, but Nico wanted left alone and it had the desired affect . Keke walked past him and sat next to mika and Sebastian. Sebastian scooted in between them and rested his head on kekes shoulder. Nico couldn’t help the horrible jealous feeling which burned in the pit of his stomach. 

He stood abruptly causing three pairs of eyes to look at him . He trudged upstairs making sure to slam the door as hard as could. If his father and mika didn’t get the message by now then they where brain dead.

A few minutes later his door creaked open.

“go away!” he yelled . The door stopped mid motion then it began to creep open further. A small head peered round the gap , soft straight sandy coloured hair falling over an eleven shaped face.

“bruder? Can I come in?” Nico glared at him .

“get out! You’re supposed to knock first brat!” Sebastian looked like he might start crying.

“im telling fadder!!” he whined.

“I.DONT.CARE!” Nico emphasized every word screaming at Sebastian.

He watched as the youngster ran out of his room and could hear the echo’s of “fadder! Fadder!” as Sebastian went off to ‘tell on him’.

Nico half expected a row from keke. Instead it was mika who come to see him.

Mika sat on the end of his bed and gestured for him to sit next to him. Nico crawled down the bed and swung his legs over the side so he was sitting next to mika. He could feel mikas hand on the back of his neck massaging his tense muscles.

“What is it Nico? Uh? You can talk to me. what’s the matter ?”

Nico couldn’t find the words. It was everything. Every small thing irked him and got under his skin. Especially Sebastian.

“I…everything’s just. So messed up. I just feel, so lost. Like this huge black cloud is following me everywhere and I can’t escape. I cant break free.”

Mika understood that feeling all to well.

“I know ish hard nico. I do know. Its gets better. Me and keke are here always, for you. We love you, so does your mamma. And Sebastian…be patient with him, I know its all still new for you. You don’t live here so its hard getting to know each other . its been four years Nico, cant you even just try with him? He loves you Nico. He wants your approval so bad” 

Nico had lost most of his Finnish and mika didn’t speak German , but his English had improved a little and Nico understood what he wanted from him. 

“I just wish id been allowed to stay with you both from the start …all those years ago”

Mika pulled Nico to his chest and buried his face his long platinum blonde locks inhaling his scent, rubbing his back soothingly.

“I miss you every day your away. So does keke. We always think of you, wonder where you are, if you’re happy. Your loved Nico, always remember that”

Nico snuggled closer to mika. Being fourteen was hard. Nico had started changing from around the age of ten. Earlier than most boys. His face had thinned, he’d gotten taller, his voice had Brocken and he developed hair in uncomfortable places, which he didn’t like. But instead of becoming more masculine his child hood effeminate features just became ever more prominent . He was struggling between allowing his own personality to shine through or conform to fit in. he hated his face, his hair, his body. He hated it all.

Sebastian snuck in on them whilst they sat there embracing one another. The little nine year old stood on front of them and coughed to get there attention. He held out a tattered moomin troll teddy bear, (one Nico thought he had conveniently lost when Sebastian had been adopted) Nico took it from him and gazed fondly at it. The teddy had once been blue and belonged to….

Nicos eyes filled with tears.

Sebastian shuffled his bare foot on the floor looking very guilty.

“I took him. He wasn’t lost, Im sorry…please don’t be mad. I kept him safe for you. Do you feel better now?” Nico couldn’t help it , he actually smiled at the little boy and nodded.  
“yes Sebastian I feel better now. Danke schoen” mika gathered Sebastian into his arms and they watched Nico gaze at the beaten up old teddy.

“we have there number you know. You could,Call him?” Nico brought the teddy to his nose and inhaled. It no longer smelled like him. That made Nico even more sad.

“Nico?” Nico looked up at keke who had entered the room , tears falling silently from his eyes.

“Call him,” keke handed Nico a photograph. It was recent. A handsome stern looking young man with spiked blonde hair , his brow furrowed standing next to an icy blue Kart with ‘NO#1’ written on it. 

It was the year Sebastian took the title from him. Nico hadn’t seen kimi in years. He was much older and had changed. Nico looked at the photo for a long time. Mika caressed his back. Keke placed a little slip of paper on top of the image in Nicos hands. It read ‘Hunt/Lauda residence’ and there was number underneath. 

Nico looked up at his father who then handed him the phone. “Call him Nico. He is missing you and suffering just as much, trust me”

Keke patted mikas shoulder and gestured for them to leave Nico in peace. Mika and keke went about bathing and getting young Sebastian ready for bed. Nico’s hand hovered over the receiver. His palms where sweating.

What if kimi didn’t want to talk to him? What if kimi hated him now? Or worse, what if kimi had forgotten him?

Nico turned the dial listening to the whir and click as each number registered. His breathing was heavy and his hand was shaking on the receiver. The sharp clipped Austrian accent that came through the other end made Nico jump and smile at the same time

“Hunt Lauda home, who is it?”

Nico swallowed hard “uncle Niki?” there was silence on the end of the phone. Niki didn’t recall having a nephew…his brother didn’t have children. Then suddenly it hit him.

“Nico? Nico is that you?” Nico nodded despite the fact Niki couldn’t see him.

“it’s me uncle Niki. I’m in Germany with …with fadder and mika and Sebastian”

Nico could practically hear the smile in nikis voice “my, my. your fadder sent me pictures. You’re so grown up now! Its been …a long, long time. How are you young man? How’s Monaco? How’s the Karting?”

“I…Its good I guess. I …I’m ok. Karting is fun , I really enjoy it” Niki could hear in Nicos voice that something was ‘off’. Just like when he was young and had poured all his woes out on kimi over the phone from Monaco, but there was nothing kimi could do. 

“Are you ok Nico? You sound…a little sad” Nico swallowed and clutched the receiver a little tighter.

“can I please speak to kimi? If he wants to…”

“Ill get him. Stay on the line ok? Don’t be scarred Nico you’ve made a very brave decision by calling.” It was almost like niki could read his mind. Nico listened as the line went silent; all he could hear was static.

His heart jumped into his throat when a husky voice broke the silence.

“moy” Nicos heart was racing and he momentarily considered slamming the receiver down.

Niki obviously hadn’t told kimi who was son the phone because next he then said,

“Who is it?” sounding rather annoyed and impatient.

Nico was trembling. 

“Kimi…its me” silence. Nico waited.

“who?” kimi’s voice trembled a little, like he knew exactly who it was , and wanted to know for sure.

“Nico…its me Nico. Nico Rosberg” Nico thought he could hear kimi’s breath catch in his throat.

“I …um, I just wanted to call. I guess its been a long time. I hope your, ok and stuff. I got a picture. Your dad sent. You look…you look so good kimi. You changed.”

“Yeah” came the short clipped reply.

Nico waited but kimi didn’t say anything else, he could just make out breathing on the other side of the line letting him know kimi was still there.

“My brother..Sebastian. he’s a pest, you must be even more annoyed with him that I am . But I’m sure you will beat him again. Next time. I have a new Karting partner , his names Lewis..he’s nice I guess. he’s English like james”

“Yeah” kimi said again. Nico’s heart was sinking, kimi didn’t want to talk to him, he wasn’t engaging and he didn’t sound happy to hear from him. Nico felt his eyes sting with fresh tears.

“well, uh I’m glad your doing fine..i uh , ill go now . Bye…” he chocked back a sob “…kimi”.

“Bye” there was sharp click and Nico pulled the receiver away as the line went dead.

He sat there and stared at the picture in his lap, he felt cold all over and utterly rejected. The eyes of the boy in the picture where sharp, angry, cold.

Nico sobbed and sobbed. His cries so fierce they wracked his body and made him choke. 

Niki watched kimi slam the receiver down, he picked up a glass from the table and threw it full force at the wall and screamed in frustration. The shattering glass made James race down stairs. Niki held up his hand stopping James mid run and they both watched kimi turn red his fists clenched his chest heaving. Niki approached him slowly and caught his shoulders.

“Hey, calm down kimi. Clam down son” kimi shook beneath his hands. After a moment his initial anger turned to sadness and turned in Nikis hands and buried his face into his neck. Niki held him close. James walked over and patted kimi’s back.

“What happened?” he whispered to Niki.

Niki rocked kimi back an forth on there feet.

“we had an unexpected phone call, I don’t think kimi was ready…it was my fault I never told him who was on the line” Niki kissed kimi’s ear and caressed his hair.

“im so sorry son. I should have given you the option of whether or not to speak to him”

Kimi mumbled something incoherent into Nikis shoulder.

James gazed at him confused.

“Nico” Niki muttered and kimi tensed in his arms. Realization dawned on James and he to brought his hand to his son’s hair massaging his head softly.

“ow kimi, its ok son. Its ok” James tried to comfort him. Kimi pulled away from them and walked away. His shoulders hunched, head down.

“Shit” James said looking at Niki.

“I don’t even know what was said…kimi just threw the phone down and well…” Niki gestured to the shattered glass on the opposite side of the room.

James brought his hand to his head, which was now starting to ache.

“ill clear it up. You …go make sure our son doesn’t break anything else”

Niki found kimi sitting in the middle of the floor in what used to be his ‘play room’ . It now held his trophies and medals , helmets and racing gear. He was clutching a small grey ripped teddy, Nicos moomin. 

Niki left the room and retuned with a small photograph, he leaned over kimis shoulder and placed it in his lap. Kimi glanced down at it.

Niki hadn’t shown it to kimi for fear of upsetting him. 

Nico was sat on the edge of his fathers yacht. His beautiful features lit by the sun, reflecting off the water. He was slim, lean and tanned, his hair was shoulder length and shimmering as the light reflected of it. Kimi couldn’t draw his eyes away. Nico was beautiful; the first thought that entered his mind was how much he wanted to touch him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guilty - the Rasmus
> 
> I feel guilty  
> my words are empty  
> no signs to give you  
> i don't have the time for you
> 
> you say i'm heartless  
> and you say i don't care  
> i used to be there for you  
> and you've said i seem so dead, that i have changed  
> but so have you
> 
> guilty, guilty i feel so  
> empty, empty you know how to make me feel
> 
> i put a shield upon you  
> i didn't mean to hurt you  
> i would have only poisoned your mind  
> never meant to make you cry
> 
> you've been so thoughtless  
> i can see right through you  
> you used to be there for me  
> so don't you leave say goodbye  
> cause you have changed but so have i
> 
> i never thought that the time and the distance  
> between us made you so much colder  
> i'll carry the world on my shoulders


	32. You and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi gets in trouble, again.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter32.png.html)

Lauri still half a sleep made his way to the bathroom and swung open the door. The sight before him almost left him scared for life. Kimi had one hand against the wall bracing himself the other on his penis frantically jerking himself off. He didn’t notice the door had been opened until it slammed shut again.

Lauri raced to his room and shut his door firmly behind him. He’d just caught his brother masturbating. He had no idea how to feel about that. He was still only thirteen the most he had ever done in terms of experimentation was to rub himself through his clothes. He jumped when there was knock on his door. 

Kimi entered looking incredibly angry and lauri backed up against the head board on his bed and looked away sheepishly.

“What did you see” kimi asked, voice completely monotone yet somehow still managing to sound completely pissed off.

“I uh…I ..” lauri mumbled.

“lauri!” kimi screamed at him , lauri jumped again and shook a little.

“I saw you jerking off!! Ok!! It was an accident! I just woke up I wanted a shower!” 

Kimi stood for a moment shrugged and seemed to calm down significantly. 

“Showers free” he said and left the room. Lauri was both relieved and utterly dumbfounded. Kimi’s mood swings where starting to give everyone whiplash!

When he got into the shower he looked down at himself. He wondered what it would feel like to do what kimi did. He took himself in his hand and squeezed, it didn’t feel to bad. He slowly stroked himself , he trembled when he saw his erection. It was strange and yet fascinating. It was mere minutes before he felt himself releasing. Young boys had no stamina, there dad had told them as much but lauri still felt a little disappointed in himself. 

When he got back to his room he found a magazine face down on the bed, he turned it over and gasped, it was a playboy edition and there was a note on the front which read 

“These help. Hide it! – Kimi” 

lauri starred in awe at the model on the cover when he heard footsteps down stairs he quickly hid it between his mattress and the bed. Kimi peered round his door and a tiny hint of a smile tugged at the edges of his mouth.

“Class. Lets go”

“yeah..ugh..right im just coming. NO I mean…yeah ill be down in a second” kimi smirked as he disappeared back into the hallway.  
The walk to school was uneventful, in fact the whole day was uneventful until lunch…

A tall young man around seventeen ended up banging into kimi. It was of course an accident but the collision had caused kimis back pack to slip off his shoulder and it had been open , kimi’s few possessions scattered along the floor , amongst them a picture. 

The picture was the first thing the boys snatched from the floor before kimi could retrieve it .

“hah look its raikon-ass girl friend! ..or is it a boy. I can’t tell!” a crowd gathered and the picture was being passed round. Lauri raced over and tried to grab kimi’s arm and pull him away. Kimi threw him onto the floor and launched himself at the boy. The older boy stood no chance , kimi’s rage was beyond boiling point. He punched him again and again in the face. Unable to stop even with lauri yelling at him and various pairs of hands grabbing his back and scrapping his neck furiously trying to pry him off the young man who was now loosing consciousness and bleeding heavily from the nose and mouth.

Eventually three male teachers pried kimi off the boy. Kimi struggled free managed to grab the photograph off one of the girls and raced out the front doors through the yard down the path, past kekes old house , past mikas and into the forest . Where he had been banned from entering since he was eight years old. He ran until he reached the lake. At the edge he fell to his knees and before him he could see it, as it was that night. 

Frozen. A small child appeared on the ice in his minds eye

“kimi I’m scared!” the tiny voice echoed in his head. Then he watched helpless as the child disappeared into the mirky depths. 

“Noooooo!!! Nico!” he screamed and the lake re appeared as it truly was , a still blue , calm a peaceful.

Then there was arms around him, a chest against his back a soft cheek pressed against his neck. Lauri. 

If it hadn’t been for lauri, Nico would have died. Kimi clutched the picture tighter in his hands. Nico was alive, he was out there and kimi hadn’t seen him it what seemed like eternity. All the feelings of longing where back, remnants of a childhood ache that had plagued him. He let lauri hold him. 

“Kimi lets go home” lauri pulled away, the warmth of his embrace disappearing leaving kimi feeling even more cold and empty. 

“Come on , big brother. Lets go, ill make us lunch” kimi glanced up him, they hadn’t been talking lately. It seemed like lauri was starting to drift away from him. Kimi realized however that no matter how far lauri drifted , he seemed to always find his way back at the exact moment he was needed, and kimi needed him now.

They walked back towards the house , both James and Niki where out. They let themselves in and lauri started to heat some soup and bread fro them. Kimi sat in silence at the table. The picture of Nico on front of him.

Lauri placed a bowl of piping hot soup down for him and sat on the other side of the table. 

They ate in silence occasionally glancing at one another. Kimi was first to speak.

“I heard your guitar last night”

Lauri shrugged “its just something I wrote, I don’t know if I even like it”

Kimi took a couple of last spoonful’s of soup before adding

“Play it for me” lauri looked at him searching his eyes, they held some strange emotion in them something lauri couldn’t quite make out, and maybe it was sadness? Maybe it was loneliness, he wasn’t sure.

“ok” lauri said and got up fetching his guitar from his room , returning , and pulling his stool out from the table closer to kimi . He rested one foot of his knee balancing the guitar in his lap. 

Kimi watched him contently, the way his wrist curved to let his fingers reach round the neck of the guitar , how his other hand rested across the strings , plucking them each in turn to find the right sound.

When he started to play, kimi closed his eyes and let the soft melody wash over him like waves rushing against the sand. Lauri never missed a note, it was beautiful and soothing and exactly what kimi needed to calm his shattered nerves and still his racing heart. 

When the notes faded off and kimi opened his eyes. Lauri was smiling at him.

“how was that? did you like it?”

Kimi actually smiled back and lauri set the guitar aside and moved to hug him. Kimi wrapped his arms round the smaller youth and held him steady against him.

“Someday, we will have it all lau, you and me. we will never fall as long as we are together. You and I will carve our names into history, we will make our mark and everyone will know us and no one will ever cross us again. We will both wake up someday and it will all just have been a bad dream”

whether filled with wisdom of the foolish words of a teenage boy suffering , Lauri didn’t care he closed his eyes and hoped as hard as he could that kimis words where true.


	33. suffocating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its the last straw for Kimi , hes ready to erupt at any point. something pushes him over the edge.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter33.jpg.html)

Late Mornings, where a thing of the past for kimi. Even on weekends he was woken with that tightness in his stomach, painfully hard and unable to get back to sleep. He would masturbate furiously, a familiar face behind his eyes. A face he just couldn’t get out of his head. Long silky blonde hair, sun kissed skin a sad smile. Nico.

He had now framed the picture and had it by his bed. He was grateful his fathers hadn’t questioned him. 

As far as the incident at the school went. Niki and James weren’t going to stand for there son being demonized again . The boy who had caused kimi’s flare up was suspended and his parent’s informed that he in fact was in the wrong despite his obvious bloody face and severe bruising. The parents weren’t about to take things further when Niki and James confronted them in the principal’s office, flatly stating that there son had provoked kimi. Kimi was also punished he would be suspended for a month then on return would be faced to under go anger therapy through the school.

Niki couldn’t deny he was somewhat relieved that kimi would be receiving some kind of ‘outside’ intervention. His outbursts where both unhealthy and frightening.

James had been come acutely aware that kimi’s hormones may have been a huge influence in his changing personality. They where washing his sheets more times than they wanted to admit. 

Since they where working and lauri was still attending classes, Ronnie and Jackie had volunteered themselves to watch over the wayward teen.

Kimi would be fifteen before he was due back at school and had a massive race in Norway lined up, he should be missing it as punishment but James convinced Niki that to stop him racing would only make matters worse.

Ronnie was sat at the table with a large sheet of paper on which he had drawn the vaden circuit in Norway and he was penciling in braking zones and over taking lines for kimi. Kimi was watching him fascinated, it was the most attention he had ever paid to anything in a long, long time. 

Jackie was enjoying some on lauri’s improvised guitar melodies in the living room. 

“ok see this? This here chicane is where vettel might get you, hes quick and he sees opportunities . You have to be on the mark kimi ok? Always pay attention! Watch for him in your peripheral vision. But also keep an eye on the track”

Kimi was nodding his face completely serious. Jackie entered the kitchen with lauri.

“ryte lads! I am no cooking fer yeas , sooo what il be? Pizza? Burgers?”

Kimi swung in his chair and lauri’s head turned at the same time and they both yelled “burgers!”

Ronnie grinned and Jackie clapped his hands together looking overly excited.

“burgers it is! off we go! Uncle Ronnie is driving as uncle Jackie has nae idea where hes goin!”

Ronnie shook his head amused and retrieved the keys of James 4 x 4 . The boys raced to the door.

Jackie patted Ronnie’s shoulder as they followed them out.

“he’s just a lad aint he? Its hard bein young. I don’t see anything wrong wi him…”

Ronnie smiled “he’s angry Jackie. He’s a very angry young man, look at how he walks , how he holds himself , look in his eyes. Hes fierce kimi, I wouldn’t like to cross him never mind have to live with him!”

They stopped in the door way and looked into the backseat of the car. Lauri had his head phones in and kimi was staring into nothing, his eyes glazed over. He was far away already.

“what’s happened him?” Jackie watched them both , a strange feeling filled the air.

Ronnie looked at Jackie knowingly.

“What? ….Ronnie Peterson you are so annoying when ye look at people like that!”

Ronnie laughed “its not obvious to you? Must just be me then…. kimi is , how can I put this…he’s not whole. Part of him is missing, and id be willing to bet that part is away in Monaco or Germany right now and his names Nico Rosberg”

The ride to the restaurant was silent , Jackie and Ronnie occasionally making idle conversation.

Once inside they found a table near the back and kimi managed to devour to whole burgers whilst lauri was more concerned with leaving room for a whole ice cream Sunday which of course he shared with kimi.

The mood lightened after the ravenous teenagers where full. On the ride home Ronnie even caught lauri resting his head on kimis shoulder and drifting of to sleep . Kimi resting his cheek on his brothers head and sighing contentedly.

When they got home lauri was fast asleep and Ronnie watched kimi tenderly nudge him and caress his head gently as he came round, yawning. There was sweetness in kimi, a tender side. 

Lauri took himself off to bed as soon as they where inside. Ronnie and Jackie ignored James and Nikis strict routine , feeling kimi needed space so they let him stay up. He sat with them watching old racing videos that Ronnie had brought.

They discussed tactics and what driver had the best strategy and what driver made the most mistakes. Suddenly the tape switched to nurburgring 1976. It was a recorded news report.

Ronnie went to grab the remote to fast foreword the tape, kimi caught it first and pulled it out of his reach fixing him a warning glare.

“kimi…” Jackie tried “you don’t want to see this…”

Kimi fixed Jackie the same look and the room fell silent.

“world champion niki Lauda has been involved in a horrific crash. His car slammed into the side rail and re bounded onto the track where it caught fire and was hit by two other cars. The accident , a result of the track being unstable and unsuitable to drive on could have been avoided. Lauda called for a vote earlier in the day to boycott nurburgring and not to race he was outvoted by one. The one being British playboy the charming James hunt. Because of hunts vote they where forced to race. Lauda is in a critical condition in manheim hospital where he is currently fighting for his life…..”

As the commentary played images of Niki’s fiery crash flashed across the screen. Kimi watched as the Ferrari hit the wall bounced back onto the track and exploded into flames, the horror intensified as two vehicles hit Nikis car . Kimi was frozen , suddenly the commentary sounded muffled and distant , the image on the screen started to blur, his hands where shaking and he could feel his whole body heating up. He was so angry and hurt and scarred.

What was killing him inside was that Ronnie had lied to him all those years ago when he had told kimi about Nikis crash. He had made the cause seem unimportant, when the cause was actually James. James had done this, it was James fault. Kimi was distraught. Ronnie and Jackie both noticing his signs of distress moved to clam him. 

Ronnie held his shoulder and Jackie took his hands in his own.

“kimi, kimi? Hey? Hey kimi come on lad. Breath, it’s alright I know its awful. It was along time ago. Its over , nikis ok”

Kimi shook harder and glanced side ways at Ronnie “you lied to me” he spat.

“kimi…i..i didn’t lie to you. I swear it. I told you what happened..”

Kimi threw him off and tore his hands from Jackie , he pointed right at Ronnie’s face.

“you fucking lied to me!!! it s all James fault, you said hed never hurt Niki! You promised!”

Jackie grabbed kimi and swung him round holding his shoulders tightly.

“listen to me boy, it was nae ones fault! Niki had an accident; do you have any idea how hurt James was? How much he beat himself up for years and years because everyone blamed him?”

“it was his fault!” kimi screamed back at him. 

Jackie managed to over power him and with Ronnie’s help they forced him back into a sitting position on the couch, he screamed and struggled yelling “get of me!”

Lauri appeared on the stair well , eyes half closed looking incredibly sleepy , his hair messed clad in only a pair of loose sweat pants.

“what’s going on?” he muttered half asleep. The news reports where still playing in the background, the one currently on the tv was in German but lauri who had never been told exactly why niki’s face was deformed watched in horror as the images played and he recognize instantly the blood red Ferrari and the distinctive helmet.

Kimi stopped struggling as he watched his brother watch the screen. Lauri started to cry and mutter “what’s that? what’s happening? Where’s Isa Niki?!”

Kimi summer salted over the back of the couch and pulled him close. Ronnie gave Jackie a defeated glance before rushing to the hallway to grab the phone.

“pick up , pick up god ..Come on ! Pick up !” James voice broke through on the other end .

“hello?” he sounded groggy like he had just woken up.

“James? James you or Niki or both of you need to come home, NOW.”

“what’s happened? Are the boys ok? Ronnie!” James suddenly sounded a thousand times more alert.

“James…just come home ill explain when you get here. They need you home. You and Niki…kimi’s not well James …he needs help ”

“right. Im leaving now ill contact Niki. I can fly to Munich tonight and we can get the jet home from there. Tell them…we will be home soon”

The boys didn’t move form the stairs lauri curled up in kimis arms. Jackie sat on the bottom step and Ronnie leaned against the banister, arms folded. It took James and Niki five hours to arrive. Ronnie could hear the screeching of tires on the gravel outside. It was 4 am and pitch black out. 

As James opened the door, neither Jackie Ronnie or lauri could stop kimi as he flew past them and his fist collided with James face.


	34. Your Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> james and niki make there hardest decision yet for kimis future.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter34.jpg.html)

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Jackie and Ronnie hurled kimi backwards and onto his back, where they pinned him down by the arms. Niki could hardly breath or think as James collided into him and they both fell to the floor. Kimis hysterical screaming and thrashing and lauris crying in the background was making Nikis head spin. 

Eventually , with James help because Niki was to distraught, they hauled kimi up the stairs and into his room where James slammed the door on him and locked it from the outside. Something they had never ever done to kimi, in all his life. James felt like if he had a gun he might have ended it then and there for himself. He couldn’t handle the blood curdling screaming, kimi was kicking and punching the door. James watched as the latch started to weaken and the wood split at the sides. But the door would hold much longer than kimi could keep up his fit and so James left him. Ronnie and Jackie followed. 

Lauri was shaking in Nikis arms . Both of them still on the floor on front of the doorway. Niki eyes where filled with sadness and something that looked like defeat. James heart sank in his chest.

Lauri was put to bed in the spare room downstairs for the night, he was pretty disturbed by the nights events but Niki managed to sum up enough strength to calm him. After what seemed like hours the noise from kimis room had died down, but no one checked on him.

A long lengthy talk was had between James and Jackie and Ronnie. Niki was to Brocken to add anything and sat with his head in his hands next to James.

The whole events of the day where explained. James realized pretty quickly that for some reason throughout kimis whole life, he had always been the bad guy at certain points. During kimis childhood kimi had always harbored a fear that secretly James was hurting Niki. James had no doubt kimi loved him, they had a strong relationship but that still didn’t chase away the issues kimi had.

They all agreed that kimis problems where far deeper than just his strange fear of James and Nikis relationship, or the discovery of the real trauma Niki had faced. Something else was wrong, or else it was everything and finally their son had cracked. 

They came to an agreement. 

Kimi had to leave. 

Jackie agreed kimi could spend some time with him in Scotland. Niki put up the most objections, he cried and cried and James could hardly console him. James eye was swollen and his lip was bloody and every time Niki saw the damage kimi was doing he felt even more helpless but he didn’t have the heart to send him away. James, eventually convinced him it had to be done. 

They didn’t agree a time limit, weeks, months. However long kimi needed to get his head straight. James thought it best that himself and Niki didn’t visit for awhile , but they would call and lauri, if he desired , could visit.

He wouldn’t miss the final race of the season. They didn’t have the heart to do that to him, but his fifteenth birthday would be spent away from home. 

They didn’t agree it with kimi; they knew he wouldn’t go willingly anyway. Lauri slept the whole of the next day and Jackie booked a flight for that evening, Niki cried more.

James and Ronnie made the dreaded visit to kimis room. The door was bent strangely but the hinges had held and some of the wood was splintered. James unlocked the door and opened it slowly.

Kimi was on the floor by the window, curled up in the fetal position. His knuckles where split and the blood was drying on his clenched fists. His hair was soaked with sweat, he was pale but his eyes where red, his chest was heaving as he struggled to breath.

The sorry sight before him broke James heart. Ronnie looked down willing himself not to cry. James stayed as silent as be could and started placing kimis things into some bags. Clothes, hats, his helmet and racing gear, pictures, niki’s Ferrari model and ….Nico’s moomin and the picture of Nico by kimis bedside.  
Kimi didn’t stir or even bother to look up he was too weak to move. Ronnie stood, unable to help; frozen, fearing the whole thing was his fault.

James passed him several times as he brought kimis bags downstairs. Niki and James appeared together and Ronnie moved aside.

Niki knelt next to him, when he laid his hand on kimis back kimi went ridged and Niki flinched.

James refused to get any closer and had to admit to himself that he was now so angry he could barely even look at kimi.

Niki walked away and left James and Jackie to pick kimi off the floor and walk him back downstairs. Silently Jackie washed his hands of all traces of blood and bandaged them , kimi didn’t even flinch. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of the bags in the hallway. He knew. 

He didn’t struggle; he didn’t have any fight left. He just let himself be led to the door. 

When James approached kimi couldn’t meet his eyes.

“son…we love you, just remember that. This is for the best, your…going away for a little while ,its not forever . We…will see you soon” James chocked back tears and squeezed kimi’s shoulder. 

Niki was more emotional and threw his arms around kimi, who was now as tall as himself. He caressed kimis hair lovingly and kissed his cheek. Kimi could feel Nikis tears running down his own neck.

When Niki pulled away , kimi did look at him. 

“I am so sorry kimi, I can’t fix this for you. I can’t make this better. You need some time, time away. Jackie will take care of you. Were not punishing you ok, don’t think that. We love you son.”

Niki caressed his face kimis cold eyes never leaving his. It was almost worse than if kimi had never looked at him at all.

They watched as kimi got into Jackie’s car without even a backwards glance. Lauri appeared in the doorway in just his pajamas , no one noticed him.

They said there good bye’s to Jackie and as they watched the car disappear into the distance, lauri sped past them running up the drive way after the car in his bare feet screaming kimis names, James blood went cold. When the car was gone and a young figure stopped in the distance and stood motionless, Niki fell to his knees and sobbed.


	35. Failte ga Alba

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi arrives in the land of the scots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Failte ga alba - means 'welcome to scotland' in gaelic

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter35.jpg.html)

Kimi never spoke the whole trip. On the plane he slept in a deep dreamless sleep.  
Scotland was cold like Finland but it was a different type of cold, the wind carried a wet murky chill and the air was thicker. Kimi shivered, As they exited the airport the sky above was grey and the clouds rolled over head spilling an endless assault of water onto there heads.

They made a mad dash for the airport car park. Jackie picked up his car and they drove onto the motorway. A road like any other you might find in a modern European city, but then they cut off onto a rocky small country road barely big enough for Jackie’s car. If anyone was to come down the other way they would end up in the ditch! There was no room for another car to pass! Suddenly kimi was slightly more alert as Jackie tackled the dangerous road, hail and rain pelting the windscreen of the car. Fields and dense forestry passing them on either side. 

The motorway was suddenly long gone, as where any building, there wasn’t even any house’s. Where kimi lived in Finland was pretty isolated but this was different, this was true wilderness. The mountains suddenly rose up before them, huge vast bases which narrowed into snow covered peaks. Kimi was in awe, his mouth fell open silently.

They had been driving for hours when suddenly a massive castle like structure appeared in the distance, Jackie turned onto the slip road which led to it. As they got closer it looked like something out of a historic film, a huge old fashioned estate house. it certainly wasn’t new. Jackie pulled up onto the stone drive way. His wife Helen appeared in the huge doorway with an umbrella and opened the passenger door.

“Hi Kimi. I’m Helen, best get inside quickly, the rains getting worse!” kimi observed her more proper way of speaking English yet her accent was oddly the same as Jackie’s. 

Kimi looked her up and down, she was youthful and pretty he hopped out of the car running by her side into the house. She shook the umbrella sending wet sparks all over the floor. Kimi turned and took in the site. There was a massive stairwell directly on front of him to his left was glass doors , to his right was a long corridor with huge paintings and various mounted animal heads. The place smelled like burnt pine wood.

Jackie suddenly appeared soaked with kimis bags.

“ryte laddy! Nice hot cuppa tea first, then ye can pick a room and yeh can help me cart this lot up stairs! Aye!”

Helen placed a hand on his shoulder, kimi looked down at it and contemplated whether or not to shrug it off. He decided against it. He had been raised better and remembered his manners, well some of them.

“This way kimi, ill fix you something to eat”

Kimi glanced at Jackie his expression guarded and then followed Helen.  
Jackie decided to make a phone call to Finland before he joined them.

James answered “Jackie? Jackie is that you?”

“aye , tis me. We just arrived at the hoose. Kimister is…well he hasn’t spoken two words yet! No even a sound! Helen is fixing him some food. Maybe a full tummy will ease him in”

“Jackie…take care of him wont you? Watch him like a hawk. And If you can, please talk to him. Ask him what he needs, ask him what’s wrong. Help him?”

James sounded tired and Brocken.

“for niki , im do this fur him. I like yeh james but…your no my fav person as yeh know. Ill try with kimi because of Niki, because he deserves a break from all you troubled males. First you and yer drinking and drugs now the wee man and his anger. You do me a favor in return , you take care of Niki focus yer time on him now . Treat him how he deserves James . time to stop burying yer head in the sand and letting him deal with it just cause yer scared.”

“I know..i know its mostly my fault. I never cared when keke left with Nico, I didn’t see how it hurt kimi, Niki did. I never saw niki get ill, I didn’t even notice. Ronnie saved him, there was nothing I could do. Then kimis fights I just let niki deal with it , or when he was sad or lonely or had fallen over and cried he always wanted niki in those moments…and it was me who so desperately wanted to be a father , ironic how niki is so much better at it! . And now kimi knows, knows everything has always been my fault . he sees it and now he’s discovered what I did to Niki all those years ago”

Jackie listened, finally convinced James had seen the light and was finally going to make a stand for his family.

“james, you’ve done alotta crap in yer life lad. But yeh didnae put niki in that car, he chose to race. So as far as that goes, let it go lad its not yer fault. No one blames you, not me , not niki so stop blaming yerself”

There was a short silence before James spoke again “take care of kimi. He means the world to us. “

Jackie smiled “I know James. He will be fine. Ill call yeh later say hi to niki and lauri and tell them hes fine. Ow and james..remember you have two sons now aye?”

They said there good byes and Jackie made his way to the kitchen. Kimi was sat at there large dinning room table with half of a freshly baked loaf of bread and a bowl of stew, which he was eating quietly.

Helen was stood at the stove and smiled at Jackie as he entered. He walked over kissed her and whispered in her ear.

“thanx for agreeing to this on such short notice! The lad needs some help”

She smiled and kissed his cheek, Handed him a plate of stew and joined him at the table .

“well kimi yer putting that way quick! I take it yeh like some good ole scots home cooking!” Jackie said cheerfully. Kimi looked up from his bowl, shrugged and continued eating.

There was a sudden shrill cry which echoed through the halls , kimis fork clattered noisily against his bowl as he dropped it startled. Helen laughed and placed a hand over his.

“its just the bearn” kimi looked at her confused. Jackie laughed and kimi glared at him offended.

“bearn means baby. Its rosa she’s hungry” kimi watched Helen get up and wander off in the direction they had come in.

Kimi looked at Jackie expectantly, waiting for an explanation.

“Uncle Jackie has a kid to now” Jackie winked at him, kimi pulled a face.

Helen re appeared a few minutes later with a little bundle in her arms . Kimi got up from the table and walked over almost instinctually. Jackie watched him and smiled . Helen sat and allowed kimi to stand and look down at the baby in her arms. 

She was small with little wisps of auburn hair and hazel brown eyes, which where red because she had been crying. She looked and kimi and smiled, Jackie watched as he smiled back. And even reached down to touch her tiny hands, she grabbed hold of his finger grasping it tightly and yawned.

Kimi had never seen a baby up close. He was curious, Jackie noticing a change in his demeanour and moved to take advantage of the moment.

“Helen why don’t yeh let kimi hold her, maybe he’d even like to give her a bottle?”

Kimi looked slightly worried as Helen got up and gently pushed the baby to his chest, he positioned his arm so her head would rest in the crook of his elbow and placed the other hand under her body. She was heavy, but it was a nice weight. Rosa gargled and made strange little happy sounds waving her tiny arms. Kimi grinned and looked at Jackie for some kind of sign that he was doing ok with her, Jackie smiled affectionately at him.

“Here, have a seat” Helen helped ease him back into his chair . She handed him a bottle and guided his hand into the right position so that the baby could get enough milk. Half way through rosa started to dose off to sleep in his arms. He rocked her gently. Jackie made a mental note: 

‘Kimi progress day 1 – improvement already!’


	36. the Misty Moors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi adjusts to his home away from home.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chaopter36.jpg.html)

When kimi was settled in one of the large stately rooms, his own king size bed , fire place , window stool, couches , chairs and even his very own dining table! Jackie hadn’t lingered and left him to get some rest.

Kimi woke mid afternoon and got lost trying to find the bathroom. The floor boards where all old and creaked beneath his feet. The hallways where long and vast with the occasional massive church like windows with stained glass pictures and there was tables every so often with ornaments or flowers on them.

He was desperate to pee and was clad in only his boxer shorts. He stood in the corridor and crossed his legs looking round. He decided to start opening doors. Some, where locked Others led to spare bedrooms. He wasn’t having much luck. 

Thankfully a voice echoed from not so far away

“Kimi?? Kimi where are you!” it was Jackie. Kimi would have to break his stubborn silence for the sake of his bladder!

“Here!” he called back.

A few moments latter Jackie rounded the corner and appeared behind him.

“what the heck are yeh doin all the way up here!” Jackie chuckled placing his hands on his hips. 

Kimi swayed uncomfortably and muttered, “I need the toilet”

“what was that? canae here yeh youll need to speak up!” kimi glared at him which made Jackie grin.

“I can’t find the bathroom!!!” kimi bellowed folding his arms across his chest.

“oryte , no need to shout! Follow me , yer majesty” Jackie’s happy go lucky mocking attitude was beginning to annoy kimi.

Once Jackie opened the door kimi didn’t even register the size of the room , he sped to the toilet and not caring whether Jackie was watching or not , wiped out his penis and started to pee. Making a very relieved noise. Jackie had looked away and shut the door but couldn’t stifle his laughter.

“Trust ye can find the shower! Or there’s the bath!” Jackie called back through the door and shook his head as he left kimi to it.

Kimi opted for the bath, it was a more Scandinavian option, if there wasn’t a sauna available. The bath was massive and instead of being white it was silver as was practically everything else. The taps had a lion on one side and a horse on the other, the towels where tartan. It was all very new and strange looking.

After his bath kimi got dressed and let himself out without informing Jackie or Helen. He took one glance back at the house and headed for the moors not to far ahead. The fields where still wet and the muddy grass squelched beneath his trainers, the bottom of his jeans started to act a bit like sponges thirstily soaking up the water from the grass. 

The fields had tones of sheep and odd-looking creatures with ginger long fur and horns which kimi could only assume where some type of cow, but he wasn’t entirely sure. 

The sheep occasionally looked at him and baa’d but for the most part they where indifferent. The odd cow like creatures where much more interested one even decided to follow him a little. 

Kimi turned slowly and the beast stopped and then, MOOOOO, yeap deffinaitly a cow, Kimi thought to himself. He reached out his hand and touched its head between its horns it seemed tame enough he plucked some grass and held it out, the beast pulled it from his hand and started munching gratefully. Kimi smiled and touched its head again. 

“bye , cow” he said and started to walk off again. The further he walked the closer the mountains appeared. But no matter how near he thought he was, he was never close enough, the base seemed to keep moving further away.

Eventually he gave up. The sky above was murky and threatened more rain. There was the occasional break in the clouds where a single ray of sunshine caught the green of the moors . The smells where all new to him. There was the faint sounds of birds chirping in the distance. 

There was white moth like creatures fleeting in and out of the flowers; kimi even saw what must have been the hugest bumble bee he had ever seen in his life fly past him. He even caught sight of a little mouse like creature darting through the grass.

It was magical, like being in a fairy tale world. Kimi’s heavy heart felt a little bit lighter.

Meanwhile A panicked Jackie was searching the house frantically for him.  
Helen retrieved a pair of binoculars from there room and stood on the top floor of the house searching the moors and fields. Eventually through the magnified lenses she caught sight of kimi sitting in the middle of one the fields in the distance. Jackie raced through the muddy fields past his heard of live stalk and slowed as he approached the still figure before him. When he reached kimi he sat by his side panting slightly.

“Evening stroll kimster? Nice of yeh to let me know!”  
Kimi shrugged and starred off into the distance at the mountains.

They sat silently for a while Jackie catching his breath.  
“we can climb it some day if ye’d like? “ Jackie said pointing ta the mountain “We can do all sorts! I have quad bikes, there great fur this terrain, can even teach yeh to ride a horse”

Kimi looked thoughtful for a moment “ok” he replied giving Jackie a quick glance.

“well its gonna piss ah rain soon so yeh can sit n get soaked or we can head back and you can try some haggis and tatties!”

Kimi gave Jackie an odd look 

“food kimi, its food , ye’ll like it , come on , off we pop”

Kimi followed slowly behind Jackie every so often glancing back over his shoulder at the mountains. He could just run and keep running, it was the middle of nowhere, no one would catch him. But he knew better than to do that, the last time he had tried that he had nearly gotten someone very preciouses to him killed. If kimi was honest that night was haunting him, the guilt was starting to eat away at him. Sometimes at night in his dreams he heard a scream, it was Nico and he was falling and kimi couldn’t save him. It stared after nico’s phone call. Kimi regretted how he had acted he whished he had said more, engaged his friend more. He wished things could be different. 

He sat in silence at the dinner table deep in thought. The food was strange but he liked it and even ate seconds when they where offered to him. Rosa was on the floor in the next room surrounded by blankets kicking her little arms and legs happily . after dinner kimi lay on the floor with her and she gazed adoringly at him patting his cheek with her chubby little hand. 

As kimi gazed into her eyes, he saw a familiar face. A sharp vision from the past, a little chubby blonde blue eyed giggling baby lying next to him. He wondered how he could even remember that far back in time , to Nico and himself laying together in his crib smiling at each other.


	37. Brother , My Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little brothers sometimes make everything ok, if only for a moment.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter37.png.html)

Mika and keke where having a hard time explaining to young curious Sebastian why his brother made frequent trips to the bathroom and was ‘making strange noises’.

They had told the curious child that Nico simply ‘drank to many fluids’. Of course then Sebastian saw that as a challenge and had started drinking liters of water to ‘prove’ his bladder control was better than Nicos, being competitive was Sebastian’s main skill. However this time he seemed to frustratingly fail the challenge resulting is a lot of bed-wetting and a very frustrated set of fathers. Nico did find it more than slightly amusing which in turn eased keke and mikas moods , Nico smiling for any reason was a good thing . 

Nico had refused to return home to Monaco and his mother would be arriving to have a discussion with keke about the future of their son, who had become deeply depressed and withdrawn. His fifteenth birthday had passed and only for the fact he was forced to have dinner with his mother and grandparents, no one would have seen him. Most of the time, He stayed in his room and slept, he had all but given up karting, he wasn’t getting anywhere and when he returned to Germany he sat in his spot in the living room by the window and just starred into space.

He had even given up scolding Sebastian, which was one of the most worrying parts.

When Sina arrived and they sat him down together and talked. At first they got nowhere , Nico just didn’t seem interested.

“Son…we just want to help you, can you even tell us what you want?” keke asked sitting next to Nico. Mika stood in the doorway listening in , Sebastian was eves dropping from the top of the stairs.

“I ..don’t know what I want” Nico added honestly , sina looked at keke helplessly.

“Do you want to stay here with me and mika and sebby for awhile? Or would you like to go home to Monaco and stay with your mum and keep things how they are? “

Sina looked hopeful , Nico didn’t miss the look. But Nico felt he might need to dash those hopes, he needed a change , and now they where giving him a choice something they hadn’t ever done before. 

“I…I want to stay, in Germany”

Sina raised her voice and began to protest but keke reminded her that they had given Nico the choice and he had made it. That evening she left with tears in her eyes but Nico couldn’t feel sorry for her , he couldn’t bring himself to feel much of anything.

That night his bedroom door creaked open and the stray light from the hall crept along his floor and along the walls.

“Nico?” came a timid little voice. Nico sighed but didn’t answer. A few moments later he felt his bed dip and a little body curl up against his back.  
“Nico…I am so happy you will stay! But why are you sad? can I make it better? I want to make it better…”

“You cant” Nico whispered into his pillow, there was a framed picture next to Nicos bed. Sebastian knew the boy , he always challenged Sebastian’s lead at karting , sometimes he even beat him which made Sebastian admire him but also dislike him a lot. Sebastian watched Nico stare at the picture.

“Was he your friend? I don’t know if I like him…hes kind of mean but he does shake my hand when I win, when did you know him?”

Nico shrugged “I always knew him, but people change”

Sebastian snuggled closer “how do they change?” he asked innocently.

Nico thought about that, there was no easy answer to which way people changed he just knew they did.

“I suppose…they grow apart. Time changes things”

“So hes not your friend anymore?”

“I don’t know seb, go to sleep” Nico closed his eyes . Sebastian couldn’t contain the little pang of excitement on his chest. Nico was letting him sleep in his bed with him? Sebastian smiled closed his eyes and mumbled “ich leibe dich nico” . 

Mika checked in on them a few hours later when Sebastian hadn’t re appeared for his bedtime story, when he found them together his heart leapt in his chest he wrapped them both in blankets kissed there foreheads and left them to sleep.

That night there was an unexpected phone call and a conversation would be needed with Nico when he woke, a very serious conversation. 

James and Niki just couldn’t adjust to a house without kimi. Niki kept thinking he could hear him walking around or see him in the kitchen, raiding the fridge. James couldn’t sleep. And the house was cold and held a heavy atmosphere. Lauri wouldn’t speak to them and had become entirely self-sufficient passing them like ships in the night. Getting himself fed ready for school doing his own homework and disappearing to his room where he played the piano or guitar for hours.

Concern came when lauri stopped arriving home from school on time, he had started his own band and often they broke into the music corridor for practice after school. Lauri was caught twice (though he must have done it a dozen times) he faced a young offenders record, he didn’t seem to care. The band became most important to him and he calmly told Niki and James that if they stopped him practicing or interfered in any way then they might as well send him away to because he would ‘do worse than kimi’.

On top of it all kimis fifteenth birthday was looming, Lauri’s soon after and he would be fourteen. They arranged to fly over and stay with Jackie in Scotland, but first kimis birthday present needed organized. And Niki and James just hoped and prayed that there sons time away had allowed him to evaluate his anger issues and hopefully things would change once he got home and they could work with him and lauri and get there family back on track. Lauri despite his evident hostility had come up with the idea for kimi’s present and James and Niki just hopped kimi would like it. 

It had been incredibly hard to organize everything and involved a lot of help from fellow drivers and friends. 

Time flew by and soon it would be time to leave for Scotland and see kimi for the first time in three whole months.

Even lauri was coming back to his old self the closer the day came.


	38. IceKing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi makes his peace with the past and vows to leave it behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the mountain mentioned in this chapter is Glencoe in Scotland incase anyone wanted to look it up :)

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter38.png.html)

Days rolled in to weeks and the weeks became months. Kimi listened without much form of reply as James and Niki asked how he was over the phone and tried to sound as normal as possible. Kimi usually held the receiver away from his face and sighed. Jackie observed him fro a safe distance, noting how kimi just didn’t want to hear what they had to say to him and always after James spoke kimi tensed and looked angry.

It was time for a chat before Niki and James visited for kimis fifteenth birthday and decided whether or not he might be ready to go home shortly after. His championship race was three weeks after his birthday and he hadn’t had any practices. Scotland didn’t really accommodate karting. His hopes of winning all rested on him getting back to Finland and back in his kart.

Jackie approached him one mild afternoon as kimi sat and gazed out the window at the mountains.

“Fancy a wee walk laddy? Could start climbing the mighty beast out yonder?”

Kimi looked at him and then back out the window then back again.

“Can we go high?”

Jackie laughed “high as yeh can manage! Wont get to the top today, anyway yeh cannae breath up there”

Kimi smirked, that sounded like a challenge!

Jackie and kimi changed into their wet suits and climbing boots lairing themselves in thermals and donning furry wooly hats Helen had made. Then they packed some food and set off.

The air was moist and the moors smelt of fresh grass and wildflowers. Kimi’s friend the cow greeted him happily. The shaggy beast had formed a strange bond with him and always followed him to the edge of her field when he went for his daily walk.

“hi cow!” she mooo’d happily and he patted her broad head.

“See you on the way back!” he waved and continued walking she followed him as she always did until they exited the field and he looked back and waved again. Jackie smiled to himself.

They continued to walk in silence and passed all kimis new favorite spots. A huge sorry looking tree that kimi climbed to the top and sat in when he needed time to think. An unused badger set that kimi had made bigger so he could squat in when it rained, the little patch of kimi shaped grass where he lay on the warmer days and stared at the clear sky. Kimi had to admit he liked it here and he enjoyed Scotland , he did feel better being away from it all.

“soo how yeh feeling? I know yeh dinae like to chat but sometimes that can help, yeh can say whatever yeh like to me boy I wont tell”

Kimi huffed and puffed trudging along and Jackie actually thought he wasn’t going to reply when;

“im scared”

Jackie thought about stopping but continued on knowing people talked better when distracted so walking might keep kimi talking.

“ow? Scared of what lad?”

Kimi walked beside him silent again but he looked like he was thinking hard, thinking of the right words.

“im scared of becoming James”

That made Jackie stop dead in his tracks, kimi continued walking they where almost at the base of the mountain.

“Kimi lad..wait” kimi stopped , back to Jackie and looked over his shoulder, Jackie saw streams of tears fall from his bright blue eyes. 

He approached kimi slowly and put a hand on his shoulder.

“lets climb the beast first them we can talk more” kimi nodded and wiped his eyes on his sleeve taking a long sharp inhale of breath.

They started there accent, the beast was slippery and kimi lost his footing a lot Jackie catching him with ease placing a steadying hand on his back or the underside of his calf and thigh, occasionally giving him a little push.

They made it more than half way and found a ledge to sit on , kimi felt the air getting thinner and huffed as he sat next to Jackie catching some much needed breaths.

“Told yeh the top was hard to breath at!”

Kimi nodded and gazed out over the vast green, yellow, brown, golden and blue landscape far bellow them. There was trees fields, small rivers mountains and moors as far as the eye could see.

“wow” kimi muttered, Jackie glanced side ways at him and the sides of his mouth curled upwards.

“now I know many a man wuld be scared ah this.”

Kimi glanced at him raising an eyebrow “why?” he asked confused.  
“cause many people let the fear of the climb , or indeed the fall stop them for seeing the beauty of life, and making the journey, fool’s really”

Jackie looked contemplative and for a moment kimi saw not a man he had know almost his whole life but a man who knew about life and could help him.

“im not scared of this…of being a man who might fall , im scared ..Of becoming the wrong kind of man”

Jackie nodded “and yeh think James is the wrong kinda man? And yeh think you’re like him?”

Kimi looked down at his hands.

“I know about stuff, more stuff than they think. I know when they where young James was angry and selfish and him and niki hated each other. I know that they fought and I know that James made nikis life hell, he was unfaithful, a drunk he used drugs he got into fights, even when they fell in love he hurt Niki by voting against him and he caused that crash all because he was playing stupid mind games and what’s worse? I am just like him! James didn’t think and got Niki hurt and then……that winter I only thought of myself I was selfish and I nearly got Nico killed. I thought if I forgot him if I didn’t bother to call if I stopped asking that Nico could be safe from me, everything I touch goes bad, everything I do isn’t right just like James…I wanted to be like Niki to be clever and calculating and a world champion and kind and gentle. But I’m not , I don’t want to be him. How do I stop?”

When kimi met Jackie’s eyes Jackie saw a million emotions all at once, it was like finally the walls kimi always had up had Brocken and fallen away revealing a fragile confused young man who had been comparing his life and his mistakes to that of someone else and feared that he would go down the same path.

Jackie brought his hand to kimis face and the other held the back of his neck, he held him firm and looked straight into his eyes.

“Kimi, you’re a wonderful talented strong young man, and that night is long in yer past. The mistakes we make as children help us grow, James is a good man and he has found his calling in life. Its you an Niki and yer wee brother and hes trying to be the best father he can and dinnae get me wrong hes not my favorite man but I respect him and I admire him now. And he didnae cause Nikis crash and you didnae make that ice break. These things are fate and where meant ta happen and we cannae change fate. You are not James , you are kimi and kimi will become the man he chooses to become , choose to be the best version of you and never compare yourself tae another. You are unique. Forgive the past kimi lets leave it here, I brought yeh something”

Jackie let go of kimis face now stained with tears and handed him an odd looking flower it had a green stem and green thrones with a purple ish bud that fanned out at the top.

He then gave kimi a piece of tartan cloth and a small pair of scissors.

“lets leave the past here,” he took the scissors and cut a small lock of hair from the side of kimis head .

Kimi watched him curiously as he tied it to the flower and wrapped it in the tartan.

“Walk round the mountain keep walking till yeh forget where yer goin , loose yerself . Put that somewhere you will never be able to find it again and lets leave old kimi here and start fresh. Start walking again and ill find yeh”

Kimi took the little bundle from Jackie and started walking; he spiraled back downwards and round and round he even closed his eyes. He didn’t see or hear Jackie following him not to far behind. Kimi found a array of stone boulders that all looked identical he settled on one and placed the wrapped flower under it took a deep breath and gazed at the sky he closed his eyes and saw his family, all there smiling faces, concentrated hard and heard James voice 

“Well done kimster!”

Then niki’s “hey buba!” , lauri’s “kimi listen to this!” …Nico “you look so good kimi, you changed”

He opened his eyes and the sun was directly above him warming his cold cheeks and making him squint.

“I love you all” he said to the warm rays.

Jackie stood not far in the distance and wished he could capture that moment for James and Niki, there son stood on the mountain side illuminated by a soft hazy light the promise of new better things to come hung in the air. Jackie was grateful he got to be the one who was lurking in the shadows when the iceking was born.


	39. the Light on the Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi turns fifteen and life may never be the same again.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter39.png.html)

When kimi awoke it was October 17th , he was fifteen. There was a first snow falling outside and the moors looked like a winter wonderland. He wanted to dash out in it. Then he remembered his family was arriving during the night and they might be there already! Kimis heart thumped in his chest and his stomach did excited summersaults, he was also strangely filled with Dred. How would Niki and James seem after almost four months away from him? Would they maybe decide that a home without him was better? Easier? Would they want him back?

Kimi pushed those thoughts from his head grabbed a shirt and loose sweatpants, didn’t bother showering and raced downstairs. Jackie could hear the thudding from the kitchen, Helen smiled at him nursing rosa who gurgled happily. They could hear kimi calling out “Isa niki?! Isa james?! Lauri?!”

There was no answer, kimi darted to the kitchen and came to a halt just before the large breakfast table , he looked from Jackie to Helen and back again.

“Where are they?” kimi looked at Jackie his eyes full of hope and longing. Jackie approached him licking his lips nervously. Kimi’s expression hardened and he clenched his fists .

“There not coming are they?” the sudden burst of anger that threatened to over flow within him vanished as quickly as it stirred and he looked down at the floor, sad and defeated and started to cry.

“Kimi..” kimi’s head shot up at the familiar voice from behind him , at first he thought he was imagining it and looked at Jackie who smiled reassuringly and nodded his head in the direction behind kimi. Kimi slowly turned, there at the head of the long table James was standing behind one of the chairs. Kimi’s jaw dropped and his eyes filled up more spilling tears of utter relief and joy. James approached him slowly at first then raced towards him and kimi flung himself in his arms.

James hands where in his hair, on his face, on his arms and then back on his face. It was like he was checking kimi was real, kimi stood grasping at James shirt, handfuls of the fabric held tightly in his fists he couldn’t speak he just cried, huge tears rolling freely from his eyes. James kissed him all over his face.

“I love you son. God you’re never getting out of my sight again, I missed you so much kimi, I missed you god I missed you! My boy, my baby” kimi pressed his face to James chest and inhaled deeply, he smelled exactly the same, looked the same and sounded the same. 

Kimi felt a pressure on his shoulder, a hand, could feel soft breath against his cheek then the soft press of lips on his skin. Niki.

He spun in James arms , and wrapped himself around Niki and held tightly. Niki held him close, that familiar soothing hand up and down his back . Kimi buried his tear stained face in Nikis neck and it felt like home.  
“hey there sweet boy, I have missed you handsome, my darling, my kimi” niki said soothingly.

James wrapped them both in his arms, as he had done so often over the years and rested his head on niki’s, there son safe between them. 

When they finally pulled apart Niki and James still with there hands on kimi, before anything else could be said kimi noticed something or someone missing.

“where’s lauri?” he mumbled his throat still hoarse from crying. Niki caressed his face and James ran his hands through kimi much longer, soft blonde hair.

“he was exhausted, I think he must still be in his bed buba” kimi hadn’t heard that nickname in a long , long time. He smiled the biggest, widest smile he had ever given and Niki couldn’t believe his eyes. Kimi did not smile like that anymore, ever. James heart leapt at Nikis shocked expression.

“What room?” 

Jackie cut in “second floor, third door on yer right, go get the lazy sod oot his pit!” Kimi raced off and stopped , raced back hugged James and Niki and sped off again.

They looked at each other and Niki started to fill up James held him and kissed his scarred forehead. Whispering,

“Our boys back niki! Hes better than ever!” Niki nodded and kissed James lovingly, Helen looked away blushing and Jackie smirked.

Kimi threw open the doors and watched as lauri shot up right in bed as the door thudded against the wall with a loud bang. He looked half asleep and startled, when his eyes adjusted and he caught sight of kimi he threw off the covers and leapt out of bed , he and kimi collided smacking the foreheads together and laughed grabbing one another and embracing.

Lauri buried his face in kimis shoulder, kimis thin fingers tracing imaginary lines into the smooth bare skin of his younger brothers back.

“I missed you, don’t ever go away again” lauri muttered into the fabric of kimis shirts, his lips wetting the soft cotton slightly and causing it to heat up , kimi could feel his soft breath through his t shirt.

“I missed you to little brother” 

“I love you kimi” lauri had never really said those words before, it was just a given that as brothers they would love one another but it meant more to hear the words and kimi had to admit he had loved lauri from probably the first moments they had spent together, back then it was that innocent love one has for a friend now as brothers that love was different somehow.

“I love you to, always. Ill always be your big brother, and ill always love you”

The boys emerged together talking and giggling as they always had when times where easier in Finland, the sight filled James and Niki with hope and happy memories. They sat round Jackie’s large table with Helen and rosa , lauri held her and he and kimi both took turns to make her laugh and James and Niki looked on fascinated as there sons interacted with the baby.

Later that day James and Niki presented kimi with some of his presents, they had gotten him a brand new helmet, his first computer, since the technology was relatively new James had to get one of the prototypes, was waiting for him back at the house in Finland which made kimi rather excited. They also gave him a slip with a sum of money that they had deposited into his bank account which , within reason, he could spend on whatever he liked. But they had two more ‘surprises for him’. Those would need to wait; kimi was curious but didn’t pester them to much.

Later that evening they all wrapped up in there snow suits and winter footwear and lauri and kimi dashed off through the snow, collapsing in it and making snow angles, they even built a snow man using proper dear antlers for its hands!

There was a brilliant clear blue sky and the air was crisp and light, the sun could bee seen in all its glory and although it was freezing, kimi loved it! The cold and snow and ice where his favorite things, everything was so beautiful in winter. The icicles clung to the fences on the fields and the branches of the trees and the snow fakes hugged the leaves and the grass and the air was clean , the rivers a brilliant frosty blue with a sheen of ice forming.

Without warning lauri darted off to Helen, Jackie, Niki and James leaving kimi alone in the field . He made to stand and follow but James raised a hand.

“stay there kimi” kimi looked at him confused , then a familiar voice reached his ears from across the field.

“Happy birthday kimster!” it was mika. Kimi turned and mika and keke where approaching him a small dangly sandy haired child holding there hands between them. Kimis heart thudded in his chest one name on his tongue , he dared not say it out load, 

Nico.

But he wasn’t there, mika hugged him then keke, Sebastian looked up at him and smiled a little reaching out his hand which kimi shook. Kimi looked to keke with a question in his eyes, keke didn’t need to hear kimi ask it he knew just by looking at him.

“he, didn’t want to come…I’m sorry kimi”

Kimi swallowed hard and nodded “its ok, I understand” he lied, it wasn’t ok. His heart was breaking.

Then mika spoke 

“He didn’t want to…but in the end he couldn’t stay away. Happy birthday kimi”

Kimi followed mikas eyes off to the distance. Kimi could vaguely make out the figure of a boy standing there in the horizon, the figure got a little closer and kimi could make out those soft green, blue eyes , delicate features, that wonderful bow shaped mouth and long crystal blonde hair.

Time seemed to stop and there was only he and Nico. Kimis body acted on its on hurling him foreword through the snow , he closed the distance between them and when they where close enough to touch, kimi stood frozen unable to reach out though he so desperately wanted to.

“Nico” he breathed his heart racing, palms sweating despite the cold. Nico’s eyes filled up and he smiled. Nico collided with him and they fell to the snow. Kimi looked up pinned beneath the smaller boy who was looking down at him with shimmering eyes. Nicos hand was on his cheek caressing it softly.

“Kimi” he whimpered, suddenly the space between them grew smaller and smaller and kimis mind seemed to short circuit as soft dry lips pressed gently to his. He could instantly feel that familiar burning in his lower region but it was more intense than he had ever felt before, like his body was reacting all on its own and it was clear Nicos body was doing the same. 

Two sets of fathers and two younger brothers looked on in shock and wonder as Nico kissed kimi in the snow and kimi kissed him back.


	40. Wicked Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nico and kimis fathers all share some differing views on there kiss meanwhile nico and kimi remain blissfully unaware.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter4o.png.html)

It was Jackie who decided they should leave Nico and kimi in peace. He walked on front of the shocked figures of keke, mika, Niki and James slightly blocking their view and bringing their attention to him.

“ryte lads! Off we go beers in the fridge, mon now off we pop! “ There was hardly any response, Jackie decided he might need to try a different tactic.

“c’mon guys, leave them. They need time alone, kimi has been doin so well its his birthday! Don spoil it. Lets go inside”

Niki nodded and pulled on James arm “niki..We can’t..” Niki raised his hand “we can talk inside, come on lauri”

Lauri followed Niki who was now pulling James away forcefully, James looked incredibly perplexed and anxious. It was clear he was in shock and wasn’t quite prepared to deal with what had just happened. Jackie had a harder time with mika and keke who both wanted to go and get Nico and ‘take him home’ claiming they knew they where making a mistake by bringing him.

Jackie eventually convinced them to go back to the house and talk out of earshot of the boys. Sebastian had covered his eyes and was content in muttering “gross! They are kissing!” his innocent boy ish reaction wasn’t enough to calm mika or keke. 

Once inside , sitting in Jackie’s living room there was an awkward long silence . Helen took lauri and Sebastian out of the room and then keke erupted.

“I knew this was a bad idea! I knew it! And to think we sat and talked to Nico and urged him to see kimi….it was a bad idea, Nico is depressed he doesn’t know what day it is half the time and now this! What was he thinking?!”

James cut in “I..i don’t even know what to say…I am really not ok with this. I thought…I thought kimi wouldn’t be like us. I thought…. i don’t know what I thought, im so confused right now. What the hell just happened!”

Niki rolled his eyes “am I the only sane one amongst you? It was a kiss! Get over it, its nothing , your all acting they have both come out as gay and declared there undying love for each other! They haven’t and even if they had, so what? Would you love Nico less? And you james …I’m totally shocked at you!”

“what?! Why? Because I don’t want kimi to be like us? Because im worried about what people might think? They would think we influenced this they’ll say we made him this way! Say its because he had gay parents!” James looked at him with a fear in his eyes that Niki just didn’t understand.

Mika cut in “Niki might be right..is just innocent, but, if its not…was this our faults?”  
He looked to keke for an answer, keke put his head in his hands and took a deep breath.  
“I just want Nico to get married and have children and succeed where I failed…”

“so basically your saying because you fell in love with mika, you failed?” niki’s voice was stern and laced with a hint of disbelief.

“no! I love mika…”

“But that’s what you just said!” Niki shouted and the other men in the room stiffened and went silent.

James reached out to touch his arm but Niki pulled it away 

“Don’t touch me…don’t condemn our son for what he may or may not be and then think you have the right to touch me! im disgusted in all of you! Grown men making such drama out of a simple kiss? What if Nico knew no other way to show kimi how he felt? Shouldn’t we be admiring him? And mika, you nearly killed yourself out of depression I dare you both to sit Nico down and say you are taking him away again because he kissed kimi, what do you think that will do to a fifteen year old boy with depression? Go on and do it and find out! And you” Niki glared at James

“You are so full of bullshit hunt! Always have been! You’d rather your son was just like you and fucked everything in a skirt ? Would you! We sent him here because he needed space and he was freaking out , because all four of us! Fucked his and nico’s lives up and you and I decided to reunite them because our other son suggested it! And kimi is a totally different boy to the one we sent away, you’d sit there and say your not ok with the possibility our son might be gay? After everything we’ve been through? After everything we just put him through?! I can’t believe this…I’m not willing to be around any of you right now”

Niki stood and stormed off. Jackie had remained silent through the whole conversation but he was glaring daggers at James.

Nico pulled away and gazed down at kimi, they stayed there laying in the snow for a moment it felt like they where frozen in time, neither noticed that they had both been left alone.

Nico continued to caress kimis cold skin. Kimi smiled up at him then looked away and blushed furiously. He could hear and feel Nico laugh lightly.

Nico’s weight lifted and he stood offering kimi his hand, kimi took it and Nico pulled him to his feet , kimi couldn’t meet his eyes starring down at the snow , his face feeling like someone had set it on fire.

“Sorry…” Nico mumbled and nudged some snow with his foot also looking down.

“sorry? …For what?” kimi asked glancing sideways.

Nico caught his eye and gestured to his own lips. “ow..” kimi said. “its ok”

“Really?” Nico said hopefully and watched as kimi shrugged “it was nice”

nico’s smile reached all the way to his eyes which lit up with happiness and kimi decided he really loved Nicos smile and wanted to see it everyday for the rest of his life.

“Kimi..i have missed you so much, everything is just going wrong it all started when we moved away …that night I called you, why wouldn’t you talk to me? What have I done wrong?” suddenly Nicos smile was gone and kimi would have done anything in that moment to have brought it back, replacing Nicos sad eyes and the heart wrenching tone of his voice.

“I..” kimi couldn’t find the words, the one point in his life where talking was actually going to be important and his brain just couldn’t find the right things to say , Nico watched as kimi struggled watching his pained expression and his shoulders fall. 

Kimi clenched his fists and brought them to his face frustrated “uh! Why can’t I say the words!” kimi pulled at his own hair in frustration , Nico caught his hands and gently pulled them away. Kimi was red faced for a whole different reason now and his eyes where wet with angry tears.

Nico held his hands “its alright kimi. It doesn’t matter now, its in the past”

“no!” kimi cried desperately “I want to explain! I want you to know why, I just…”

“Cant find the words?” Nico finished for him and all kimi could do was nod.

“You where never good with words kimi” nico added playfully and and smiled again.

Kimi shrugged again and removed one of his hands from Nicos using the other hand to pull Nico towards him slightly.

“wanna go for a walk?”

Nico nodded and held kimis hand a little tighter. The snow crackled and creaked beneath there feet as they walked towards the fields. 

Suddenly a strange large furry creature bounded towards them and Nico yelped and hid behind kimi who started to laugh loudly.

“its just a cow! She’s my friend” Nico gazed timidly over kimis shoulder as the large beast got closer and kimi ruffled the long hair on its forehead between its horns.

“that is not a cow! ….At least it doesn’t look like any cow I have even seen” kimi glanced behind him at Nico and rolled his eyes.

“it’s a highland cow! And she’s friendly” kimi grabbed Nicos hand and placed it on the beats head , instantly Nico relaxed as the animal pressed its head appreciatively against his palm.

“its so soft” Nico said happily kimi patted his back and took his hand again.

“bye cow! See you on the way back!” the cow mooo’d happily and went back to grazing in her field, Nico was more than a little impressed by kimis new way with animals.

They walked in comfortable silence together until they reached kimi’s spot now covered by snow and he stopped looking around before he saw it and made Nico jump when he suddenly said 

“uh ha! There it is!”

Nico looked but couldn’t see anything then kimi dashed off and he followed. There was large tunnel between two trees big enough for him and kimi to go into if they ducked slightly . On the floor was a blanked and some cola bottles as well as some packets of food and a torch. Kimi crawled inside and Nico followed. 

They both sat and looked out at the snow and the hills. There was a soft wind and Nico sighed contentedly.

“I like it here, I come to watch the animals. They come out if the think you can’t see them” kimi sais breaking the silence, Nico moved closer to kimi so there sides where touching.

“What kind of animals?” he asked resting his head on kimis shoulder.

Kimi swallowed suddenly very aware of how close Nico was “foxes, rabbits, deer, mice…badgers..” Nico nuzzled closer and kimi started to feel strange. 

Nico could feel him stiffen under his cheek and pulled away a little gazing up at kimi.

“You changed a lot” Nico whispered

“ow…how?” kimi mumbled staring straight ahead unable too meet the eyes boring into him.

“Your, Starting to look like a man, a little bit…you got handsome. Your face kind of changed …you grew up”

Kimi laughed nervously “well…of course I grew up! So have you, you’re…” kimi stopped, again unable to find the right words.

“I’m what?” Nico pressed. Kimi swallowed again. He cursed his inability to use words to express himself. He whished for just one moment he could say what he felt and what he was thinking.  
He felt Nicos hand on his cheek again Nicos thumb ghosting over his bottom lip.

“Beautiful” he whispered barely loud enough.

Nicos hand stilled and kimi closed his eyes fearing that the word he had chosen wasn’t the right one.

“You, think I’m beautiful?” 

Kimi looked at him and chewed his lower lip like Niki did when he was anxious , nervous or angry or scared. 

“I ..Think so..i don’t know how to say it. I think thats the right word. Just your eyes and your mouth …your hair..”

Nico couldn’t help smirking, kimi was stunning and here he was fumbling his words and sitting there nervous. Completely unlike how keke mika and Sebastian had been describing him at races, they would say cold, guarded, stern, uncaring, unemotional, violent and even rude. All Nico saw was confusion, frustration, kindness and love.

“Can we kiss again?” Nico asked looking hopeful.

Kimi rubbed his hands together and chewed his lip harder. He wasn’t sure what any of this meant, whether they should even be exchanging these kinds of comments of sitting so close to one another. They weren’t children anymore and to kimi none of this felt innocent. It felt like a massive rush of bottled up need that they where about to unleash on one another and he wasn’t sure he was ready or that any of this was a good idea.

He didn’t fear being gay, his fathers had told him about there relationship and what it meant and he understood , kimi had kissed girls and messed around a little. Nothing serious but he couldn’t deny how his body had reacted with Nico pressed against him. He wondered if Nico had any idea what he was initiating and if mika and keke had, had the same discussions with him about what this kind of thing might mean.

“ugh…I…yeah ok” Nico leaned up and kimi instantly closed his eyes. The soft lips where back this time less timid and Nicos hand was on his face. Unconsciously kimis own hand circled Nicos back and he grasped a hand full of Nicos hair at the base of his neck. Kimi ran his tongue along Nicos bottom lip and Nicos lips parted allowing kimi inside. Kimi knew what he was doing but Nico didn’t want kimi to know that this was his first true proper passionate kiss. He slid his tongue tentatively inside kimis mouth, kimi was clearly more dominate and took control quickly , before Nico could react kimi had pinned him against the soft blanket on the woodland floor never breaking the kiss and fisting his hands desperately in nicos soft silky locks. Nico held kimis biceps and was struggling for air. Kimi finally pulled away and Nicos hands fell to the ground by his head and he panted.

Kimi pulled away quickly like he had just been burned “I didn’t mean to do that…im sorry”  
Nico rose up on his elbows and looked at him, his hair falling into his eyes, his lips swollen and his cheeks flushed.

“I liked it, please don’t say you’re sorry…”

Kimi glanced over under his eyelashes and brought his knees up closer to his chest . Nico looked really sexy laying there propped up on his elbows , hair messed , cheeks and lips tinged a brilliant red. Kimi closed his eyes and shook his head , he knew he was semi hard in his trousers and he hopped Nico hadn’t felt it.

“kimi? What’s wrong?”

Kimi moved his head to the side so he was staring at the wall where the roots of the trees where weaving in and out of the soil, he stared at it pretending to find it really interesting, nothing was helping and his body was still reacting against his will.

Nico moved closer and placed his hand on the back of kimis neck.

“Im…I got a bit excited” kimi mumbled to the wall, not thinking about what he was saying. There was silence before Nico spoke again.

“I know…I felt it. Me to” that caught kimis attention and he raised his head to look at Nico.

“are you still…” Nicos cheeks flushed.

“Yeah…are you?” kimi nodded then thought for a moment. They where only fifteen, it would be not only wrong but he was sure it would breaking some kind of laws if they touched one another, down there, or watched the other get himself ‘off’ . He thought maybe he had a solution. Before that he had questions.

“What does all this mean?” 

“why does it have to mean anything?” Nico licked his lips and ruffled kimis hair.

“Because it does….because we are both guys”

“I don’t want to think about all that just now, I missed you is all. And my body is doing weird stuff a lot, but I know that this feels ok, it feels nice, it doesn’t feel wrong”

Kimi nodded agreeing, “yeah…well do you want me to to lay on you again?”

Nico nodded and laid back down. Kimi crawled up his body until there faces where inches apart and kissed him again. He lowered his hips pressing them to Nicos. Kimi moved there hips together, the rubbing of the fabric and the pressing of Nicos bulge causing a nice friction, Nico felt it to and gasped into the kiss.

Being young it wasn’t long before they had both released in there underwear. Kimi collapsed onto Nico who caressed his hair soothingly putting kimi to sleep.

Nico was so caught up in the moment with kimi laying on him sleeping soundly that he didn’t hear the crunch of snow outside.

There was a set of feet at the opening to the tunnel Nico stiffened and tried to shake kimi. But he was a dead weight and Nico could move him.

The figure began to bend down and a familiar blood red cap and aqua blue eyes came into view . Nico felt his heart stop.


	41. Ghosts of love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who caught the boys? and what will happen when nico and kimi have to face there fathers ?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter41bnw.png.html)

“Uncle Niki…” Nico gasped. Niki looked at them, kimi sound asleep his head on Nicos chest, and he looked so peaceful. Niki brought his hand to his lips gesturing for Nico to be quiet. 

It was to late kimi’s eyes fluttered open and when he saw Niki he panicked and shot bolt upright

“Isa!” kimi’s eyes went wide with fear and shock.

“Out of there both of you. Now!” kimi crawled forward passed Niki, Nico followed slower a sudden feeling of Dred washing over him.

When they where both back out into the cold air Niki looked them up at down. Nico was the one who gave the game away, he looked utterly violated and Niki suddenly had a sinking feeling. He prayed that they hadn’t done what he thought they had.

“I’m going to ask you both one question and I want the truth” kimi’s heart was racing he felt sick and Nico was terrified shaking next to him.

“Did you both just have sex “

Kimis jaw fell and Nico looked even more shocked if that was possible.

“Ill take that as a no . Ok have you both been …touching each other? Or watching the other touch himself?”

Kimi decided he better answer, Niki didn’t look like he was in the mood for any messing around

“No, I swear” Niki nodded.

“ok , well I want to know what you have been doing. All of it” Nico looked at kimi helplessly. Kimi stood tall , suddenly looking more and more like a man and returning instantly to the person nico’s fathers had described ; cold, guarded and attempting to show no emotion. But Nico could see his hands shaking.

“We talked, I kissed him then…we, we just rubbed each other through our clothes, I fell asleep. Nothing else happened”

Niki nodded, he didn’t want to show it but he was very proud of kimi in that moment, he looked and acted like a man, handling himself calmly and maturely, and Niki had no doubts he was getting the truth from kimi.

“Alright, thank you for being honest. I think its best that both of you refrain from telling James mika and keke about this. Lets just pretend nothing happened.”

Nico looked relieved but kimi knew more was coming, Niki was diplomatic but it came at a price.

“However, neither of you are to engage in any of this again. Do you understand? Your fifteen and this isn’t going to be allowed to continue or you both risk loosing each other again. So hands to yourself. When your eighteen you both can do as you please. And I want you both to swear it”

Kimi and Nico looked at each other , Nico smiled sadly. At least they where being given a chance, Niki wouldn’t tell the others and kimi knew that and Nico feared what his own fathers would say.

“I swear” kimi said first “I swear to” Nico added.

Niki nodded. “Fine, its done with. I suppose you gave him a birthday to remember Nico” Niki grinned and kimi felt a sudden relief. Niki understood, he was strict and kimi knew he wouldn’t get off easy but Niki always understood. 

“Dinner I assume is ready so we should all get back.” Niki turned and walked off. Kimi reached over took Nicos hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Niki caught it out the corner of his eye.

He knew they had sworn to him in good faith but he also knew it was unlikely they both would keep there hands to themselves. Niki just hoped that it went no further than a bit of heavy groping. He decided kimi might need another ‘talk’ soon to really prepare him for what was imminent, losing his virginity.  
Niki shuddered this was all happening to fast. He had hoped that the initial kiss was innocent but James keke and mika where right. There boys where possibly just like them and they where possibly hot under the collar for one another. Niki couldn’t deny hoping they might both just be going through a phase one which would end when Nico was back in Germany and kimi back in Finland. Somehow though he knew it wasn’t so simple. But he would be there regardless and support kimi whatever he began or whomever he chose to love. 

Kimi followed behind him and caught up leaving Nico trudging along in the distance.

“Isa?” kimi asked his voice a little shaky.

“Yes?” Niki answered as calmly as he could.  
“Are you disappointed in me again? Does this mean I can’t come home?”

Niki sighed “no kimi I’m not disappointed, I’m not happy about what you and Nico have been up to but I’m not disappointed in you. And you are coming home. We missed you and you’ve changed I can see that. Its been an eventful day lets just put it down to that and you and Nico go back to being friends and ill make sure you both aren’t kept from one another again but you have to keep your promise kimi. Your still to young, you understand what I mean by that?”

Kimi nodded “I know, we wont do anything . I swore it”

“good, I’m glad”

“Isa?”

“yes kimi?”

“is it ok to kiss him? Like when we are alone?” Niki stopped and gazed behind them Nico was still to far off to hear. 

“Son…are you asking me permission to kiss someone?” Niki actually did find that a little comical but kimi looked deadly serious.

Niki shook his head and smiled “kissing is allowed, just… like you said not on front of anyone”

Kimi smiled and they started walking again. Niki could hear the padding of feet getting closer as Nico rushed to catch up . Niki looked to his left and glanced down at Nico who was looking rather embarrassed and sorry for himself.

“cheer up kiddo, your not in trouble” Nico looked up and Niki winked at him , Nico smiled.

“thank you uncle Niki” 

When they arrived at the house they both trudged upstairs to get changed. Both had forgotten about the stickiness in there underwear after being caught by Niki. 

Niki entered the kitchen where all the men where sat at the table, Helen was at the stove cooking. James stood as soon as he saw Niki. He rushed over and held Nikis shoulders.

“Baby, im sorry about earlier. your right, your always right. I didn’t mean to upset you or anything, its kimis day we should just all calm down and forget about it”

Niki couldn’t help thinking that if James knew what he had just seen he wouldn’t be so calm. But Niki had sworn not to tell.

“Glad you seen the light takes you long enough” James grinned and kissed him. Niki kissed back slightly more desperately than normal. He hated hiding things from James, but this was for the sake of their son.

When they parted James whispered “are you ok?” Niki nodded and ran his fingers through James hair. There open show of affection was contagious as mika kissed kekes cheek gazing lovingly at him. Sebastian shot into the room and re started his mantra of “gross! Stop kissing!” they all laughed and the boys appeared together. 

Kimi in his new shirt and jeans which Niki had brought over from Finland and Nico is plain short sleeve designer polo neck and black dress suit trousers, they had both showered and Nico had fixed his hair, he no longer looked questionable for which Niki was very thankful. They both looked smart and very handsome. Unlike lauri who walked past with his usual spikey hair and baggy cargo pants wearing his usual white vest.

“lauri!” James quipped “you do have nicer clothes you know! You could make a bit more effort” lauri looked at kimi and made a funny face kimi howled with laughter and Nico chuckled.

“its fine Isa! Leave him alone hes just a weirdo” lauri mocked offence and everyone laughed louder. The tension was gone and kimi was grateful for his overly dramatic comical little brother.

They all sat round the table kimi between Nico and lauri, Sebastian between keke and mika (so they could no longer kiss) and James and Niki across from them, Jackie at the head of the table next to Helen with Rosa.

Nico and kimi had a normal average conversation about bands, karting and school which lauri joined in on . Sebastian kept leaning over the table to try and hear what was being said with mika constantly pulling him backwards. Niki moved closer to James who kept sensing that something was off, Niki knew James was pretty in tune with him but he didn’t know just how much .

After dinner Helen of course surprised kimi with a cake and they all celebrated as normal. The boys got to stay up extra late and when they finally all trooped off to bed Niki found himself lying awake. James next to him on his side eyes closed.

“what’s wrong Niki” james muttered into the cool night air eyes still closed. “I know something’s bothering you”

Niki looked down and smiled caressing James face 

“mmmm don’t , I may have to make love to you if you keep doing that” James eyes fluttered open and Niki was smirking.

“I might just have to keep doing it then” James shuffled and moved over so he was laying on top of Niki. He gazed down at him and teased the soft curls at the base of Nikis neck.

Niki shuddered, “what’s wrong baby, is it what I said earlier? I always say the wrong thing. When you left the room and I thought it over, it wouldn’t bother me if kimi was like us id just be worried he might think that we are the norm when we aren’t, and that everyone would say we made him that way”

“He knows that, he knows most people are straight, he’s not stupid James he knows more than we would ever like to imagine. I’m just…a little sad I guess that he’s growing up so fast” James nodded and kissed him gently.

“we will always see him as that little fluffy haired baby , nothing will change that. But he will be a man some day . We have to let go a little, not to much but a little”

“I agree” Niki said softly.

“I’ve started worrying about the other one” james admitted.

“lauri? He’s just eccentric and wants to be a rock star he will be better when kimi comes home, I hope... he always lightens the mood. Kimi and him where an ideal match, Nico and seb seem to get along as well”

“mmm, yeah when I think about it, for a bunch of arse holes from formula 3 we all did ok for ourselves, even though we all seem to still mess up now and again”

“We did do ok, now didn’t you say something about making love to me?” James caught Nikis lips in a fierce kiss. 

Down the hall and up the stairs in a cold large room with a couch by the window, two young boys where also exchanging a kiss as the moonlight crawled along the floor casting shadows on there faces.


	42. Still feels like the first day of my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time to say farewell again , but will things be different from now on?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lauri's song for kimi - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdRL-y4C7R0
> 
> Kimi's lullaby for nico - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbWi4MUpHjE

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter42.jpg.html)

Almost as quickly as they had been re united it was time to say goodbye again. There had been fun had in the snow and laughter exchanged into the small hours of the morning. Young Sebastian had tried in vein to impress kimi and Nico had taken time to speak with Lauri and get to know why he was so special to kimi. 

The four boys seemed to bond and when it came time to sit down and have there last meal together in Scotland, the air was heavy and Nico ate in silence occasionally sucking in a deep shaky breath as if he was close to tears.  
Kimi pushed his food round his plate his stomach objecting but he just couldn’t eat and he felt suddenly nauseous and sick.

There was a fear welling up in the pits of their stomachs, it felt like déjà vu. Like they’d been here before, the last gathering before everyone went there separate ways and they didn’t see each other again for years. Niki had promised , but no one else had and kimi feared Niki couldn’t save his and Nicos long distance relationship alone without keke mika James and even nicos mother sinas co operation.

The fathers pretended everything was fine and although kimi and Nicos emotions where painfully obvious it seemed like the consensus amongst the men was to ignore it and just carry on like it was no big deal.

Kimi said farewell to Jackie and Helen alone.

“Well lad, it was great havin ye here , ill miss ya” Jackie’s eyes welled up and kimi let Jackie hold him for a few moments , the familiar smell of burnt pine wood and whiskey hung onto his clothes and kimi breathed it in, committing it to memory .

“id be so honored to have a son like yeh, keep yer chin up and stay focused stay strong and mer importantly be that man that you want to be, be the best version of kimi and dinnae worry aboot any one else ya here! Live yer life your way and im always here if yeh need me”

Kimi swallowed back a sob that threatened to escape him, but didn’t fight the single tear which left his eyes. Helen leaned in and kissed it away she handed him rosa and he rocked her for what he hopped wouldn’t be the last time. The baby had calmed him, her simple sweet nature soothed the ache in his chest once more and he whispered to her in Finnish

“joskus Otan tytär kuten sinäkin” (someday I’ll have a daughter just like you)

She smiled up at him and her tiny hand patted his chin. Behind him through the glass doors Nico watched him and felt a warmth rise in his chest. Odd feelings suddenly washed over him, kimi looked complete with the baby in his arms. His whole demeanor changed Nico got a flash suddenly in his mind, he saw kimi a lot older, cropped blonde hair , sunglasses , dressed casually walking with a small child holding his hand a beautiful blonde blue eyed little girl. Nico shook his head as if trying to shake the thought out. 

Kimi handed Rosa back to her mother and said his final farewells.

At the airport Nicos flight to Munich was due to leave before kimis flight back to Finland. They all sat at the waiting area staring at the screen. No one seemed to talk not even Sebastian was interested in making conversation. 

Then suddenly the screen flashed ‘fli206 Munich gate 06’. Keke and mika stood as did James and Niki. There was awkward handshakes exchanged and idle comments like “don’t be a stranger” and “see you at some point”.

Kimi stood also , Nico remained seated.

“come on Nico, time to go home. Say goodbye” keke rested a hand on Nicos shoulder, Nico erupted into floods of tears. 

Keke looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. He knelt down on front of his son “Nico! For god sake don’t do this! Come on, say goodbye to kimi you’ll see him again we have to go now”

Nico heaved a shaky breath and tried to stop the tears but he couldn’t they just kept falling. Kimi looked at Niki and James helplessly. James looked away and Niki shook his head , neither could help now. Nico wasn’t there child.

Keke looked exasperated and was starting to loose his temper , he stood and grabbed Nicos arm.

“Move now! Im not having this display in the middle of an airport! Stop it right now Nico!”

Kimi gently grasped kekes arm and prized it off, keke gave him a stern look which kimi ignored and knelt on front of Nico.

Kimi started humming and Nicos sobs seemed to slow, he listened, memories flooded his mind of powder blue walls his mothers face and a child singing to him, singing until his little lungs gave out, Nico remembered a night so vivid so peaceful a night when he felt he was slipping away and a tiny voice brought him back . Then kimi mumbled the words just loud enough for Nico to hear 

“nuku nuku norminlintu,… Nuku, nuku, nurmilintu  
Väsy, väsy västäräkki.Nuku, kun mie nukutan,  
Väsy, kun mie väsytän.

Nukuta, jumala, lasta. Makauta, mariainen.  
Kuro kiisan silmät kiinni Anna unta aamuun asti  
Kuro kiisan silmät kiinniAnna unta aamuun asti”

Nicos shimmering eyes met kimis he leaned forward and the pressed there foreheads together Nico cried a little more this time out of frustration. He didn’t understand the words anymore; he didn’t remember hardly any Finnish.

“I don’t know what you said” he heaved. Kimi smiled.

“You don’t need to , just know that it means ill always be with you , always even if I’m not here on front of you. Sleep , sleep my grassland bird , youll see me fly in your dreams” 

Niki buried his face in James shoulder he couldn’t watch anymore , kimi was breaking his heart. James for once couldn’t be the strong one and let himself well up clutching Niki’s arm. Lauri observed silently, a million questions and emotions racing in his head. Sebastian had started to cry as soon as keke had gotten angry and he was now in mika’s arms his head on mikas shoulder listening contently to kimi’s Finnish lullaby. 

Mikas heart swelled with immense love for the little finn he had rescued from the woods man years ago and spent an unforgettable night gazing at the north lights with. Kimi shone brighter than those lights and even keke couldn’t deny that kimi was unique and there was something about him that was just unexplainable.

Nico stood slowly and kimi held him. The room and everyone in it seemed to disappear.

“I wont say goodbye.” Kimi whispered.

Nico caught his meaning instantly and nodded “I wont either”.

There moment ended when a shrill voice broke through the speaker system “final boarding call for flight fli206 departing for Munich”

Kimi took Nicos hands and squeezed. “Be strong little prince Nico”

“Stay cool , iceman” they smiled Nicos face wet with tears , his hands sliding slowly from kimis as he walked away. Mika held Sebastian tightly and winked at kimi keke waved half heartedly and placed his hand on Nicos neck steering him away. Kimi stood there and watched as his reason for breathing left again. Before they disappeared through the boarding gates Nico took one last fleeting glance over his shoulder and he knew he had left his heart in that airport in Scotland. 

On the flight back to Finland James and Niki where sat across from the boys. Kimi gazed out the window and watched as the clouds passed and the sun reflected beams of light of the wing of the plane. It wasn’t like flying privately with Niki. He could hear babies cry, peoples music through there headphones, smell the cabin compressed air and the horrible on board meals. He tried to concentrate on the clouds but his mind wandered to Nicos face.

“kimi?” a voice came from beside him. Kimi glanced over and met a pair of worried green eyes.

“huh?” he mumbled in response.

“You think you could teach me to race?” kimi wasn’t expecting the question and struggled for a response.

“I, uh…what? Why?”

“Gives us something to do I suppose. Its not like you’d be interested in learning music” lauri smirked at him; kimi couldn’t help but grin back.

“You saying id be no good?” lauri laughed 

“you’d suck kimi, you’d really suck”

“Fine! Challenge accepted! I teach you to race you teach me guitar” kimi held out his hand “deal”

Lauri thought it over for a second “deal!” they grasped hands and squeezed extra hard until both there skin started to turn red and they withdrew their hands shaking them and laughing.

“I have a band now” lauri added, kimi looked at him slightly shocked.

“Like…a real proper band?” lauri nodded.

“we play mostly at school or my friends house , James and Niki don’t like it cause I come home late a lot” kimi caught that lauri hadn’t called there parents ‘Isa’ and felt slightly concerned but didn’t question lauri on it.

“what’s the band called?” kimi asked interested.

“rasmus” kimi raised an eye brow.

“Does that mean anything?”

“Nope!” lauri smiled triumphantly. Kimi looked confused.

“Let the music define the name and all that! Means people wont think they know the band just by the name, which is best! Also…I have a birthday present for you. I guess you can have It now, you where busy with Nico so I didn’t wanna give you it until we had time to talk.” Kimi watched as lauri fetched his Walkman and headphones from his backpack at his feet.

“Here, skip to track 7. Its…for you”, lauri had wrote him a song, kimi suddenly felt the urge to well up and cry but He kept his cool as best he could and slid on the headphones pressing the fast foreword button, the tape reel crackled into the headphones then clicked as it reached track 07. Kimi took a deep breath and listened.

The guitars immediately sprung to life with a heavy drumbeat which slowed as lauri’s melodic voice broke through the music. 

“Feel like I'm stoned  
wanna be alone, just for a while, unknown  
Weeks on the road a long way from home  
just shut off the phone

And you say I'll heal you,  
I'll always be yours  
and you say I'll kill you if I do something wrong  
yeah, yeah, yeah ,yeah, yeah, yeah

Still feels like the first time  
to stand here by your side  
together regardless  
we'll walk through the darkness  
Still feels like the first day of my life

Remember the times  
together we swore, never give up this life  
still hanging on, still going strong  
here I belong

And maybe I'm crazy  
but I just can't slow down  
And maybe I'm crazy  
but at least I'm still around  
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Still feels like the first time  
to stand here by your side  
together regardless  
we'll walk through the darkness  
Still feels like the first day of my life

Feels like the first day of my life,  
(feels like the first day)  
Still feels like the first day of my life

Still feels like the first time  
to stand here by your side  
together regardless  
we'll walk through the darkness  
Still feels like the first day of my  
still feels like the first day of my  
still feels like the first day of my life”


	43. Heart cant take no more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki and James have gotten kimi back but have they lost something else just as precious?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lauris song 'somewhere' - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40IJg39msHI

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter43.jpg.html)

Kimis heart felt lighter as they pulled into the drive on front of the house. He leapt out of the car and raced to the door , James grinning madly after him. Niki couldn’t get the door open fast enough as kimi raced inside he made straight for the kitchen skidding as he turned the corner to the fridge.

It was filled with everything he missed, Finnish ice cream, soda, cakes, sweets, nikis yogurts, james beer…. kimi grabbed a tub of ice cream tucked in . The noises he made where pretty obscene but he didn’t care. Lauri howled with laughter strutting up to the fridge and getting himself a soda. It was like kimi had never been away.

“Some things never change” Niki beamed watching them from the dinning room table.

Kimi attempted to smile at him over a mouth full of ice cream then his face contorted hilariously and he muttered “brain freeze!”

James patted his back in mock sympathy “that’s what you get iceman! Stuffing your face full of ice cream ”

“I have jet lag , there is no way im cooking! Boys…pizza?” Niki had to cover his ears as there was a load resounding yes from the other three males in the room.

“I think my ears are bleeding” he whined jokingly.

That evening They sat by the tv in the lounge empty pizza boxes strewn across the tables and the floor . James in his arm chair , lauri by the fire , Niki laid out on the couch and kimi perched on the arm rest next to Nikis head. 

Niki nearly jumped as gentle fingers caressed his scar tissue he gazed up and saw kimi absentmindedly focused on the tv whilst caressing his forehead . Niki didn’t move, he was more than a little stunned. 

James met Nikis eyes and winked at him. Lauri sat silently by the fire, ever the observant one. There was a pang of jealously rising in his stomach. Kimi was back, and as always he was the focus. 

Lauri excused himself claiming to be tired from the flight. James and Niki said goodnight to him without moving and kimi patted his back as he walked past smiling at him. Lauri smiled back but it was an empty smile , a forced one.

He stood at the foot of the stairs and gazed at the three, James comfortable and looking more relaxed than he had in age’s Niki closing his eyes as kimi rested a hand on his head. They looked the perfect picture of a family. It seemed the cracks where repairing themselves. Lauri knew he was on the outside looking in. he retreated to his room and resigned himself to the fact that he was alone, his real family was dead and he wished for the first time that he had died along with them. He had never felt more alone.

He sat by his piano and played, as he played the words came to him like water rushing through a flood gate once the barriers had been lifted.

“Wake up the world is yours  
Get lost, find a new course  
I'm gone, it's easier to close the door  
I thought I loved it but my heart can't take it no more

Stand up, blindfold your eyes  
You'll see, you'll be surprised  
For too long I've been the same  
Time to explore  
I thought I loved it but my heart can't take it no more

I'm on the road that leads me nowhere  
Shattered but I don't care  
I know the truth awaits me out there  
Don't try to reach I've gone somewhere 

Too late my time is up  
And I know, you'll never give up  
Always  
Until the end  
You'll be my friend

I must admit it that my heart can't take no  
I can't deny it and I cannot fake no  
I'm sick and tired and I just can't wait no more, no more

I know it's gonna change

I'm on the road that leads me nowhere  
Shattered but I don't care  
I know the strom awaits me out there  
Don't try to reach I've gone somewhere”

He wrote the words down as he played the chords. He’d bring it to School to show the others and they would record it in the music room. His only focus now was music. He’d make it no matter what the cost even if Niki and James wouldn’t help him or didn’t understand. He’d succeed, and in something that kimi would never be good at. He’d show them all. 

That night he slipped out of his window as the rest of the house slept silently. He trudged across the snow and raced up the path through the woods. Not so far away was his friend Aki’s house.

Aki Hakkila was the drummer for the rasmus, and Lauri’s best friend. Lauri used the drain pipe and the tree by aki’s bedroom window to climb up onto the roof of the extension and lean over. He chapped as gently but as forcefully as he could on the window.

The curtains moved and aki stuck his head through. He instantly opened the window snow falling off the pain onto the ground.  
“What the fuck lauri?! What are you doing!” he hissed.

“lemmi in!” lauri whispered. Aki moved aside and lauri climbed through his window.

“Aki I wrote something we need to record it! I cant forget the melody if we leave it to long ill just forget all the parts!!”

Aki rolled his weary eyes and ran a hand through his unruly blonde hair.

“yeah ok fine! Why did you wake me for that?!”

Lauri ran a hand through his own messy black locks.

“You said your sister worked at the town hairdresser right? Well im fourteen next week and you said you didn’t know what to get me? Can you ask if she would die my hair? I want a new look I wanna change everything! Get new clothes, new hair! Im sick of this version of me, I wanna re invent!”

Aki nodded , he understood which was just as well as lauri was pretty eccentric “I get it , yeah ill ask. Bring the song to school Monday k?”

“yeah cheers aki, right uhm I’m off bye! Sorry I woke ye!” aki waved his hands dismissively . Lauri crawled back out the window and shimmied back down the pipes aki waved as he watched lauri run through the snow back to the woods and shook his head closing the window locking out the crisp cool night air once more.

Lauri hadn’t bet on kimi James and Niki being in his room when he crawled back in through his own window.

Niki and James looked tired but incredibly angry. Kimi was standing with his hands on his hips a judgmental expression plastered across his face.

Niki started, and lauri shrunk back towards the window 

“what the hell are you doing?! Myself and James nearly had heart failure when kimi said you weren’t in your room! We checked the whole house we where ready to call the police! Where the hell did you go and what where you doing?!”

Lauri glared back at them taking James and Niki by surprise. “if you cared at all about me you’d know I’ve been sneaking out of this house practically since I moved in! What? Don’t look so surprised Niki that time kimi followed me wasn’t the last time I snuck out! You wanna know why you don’t notice? Your to busy with him!”

Lauri pointed at kimi who dropped his hands from his hips and looked back at him shocked. Before Niki or James could open there mouths lauri had started again;

“why did you adopt me? You didn’t need another child, you had him and hes so perfect and precious isn’t he? Don’t misunderstand kimi, I love you you’re the only reason I haven’t run away from this place. I hate it hear! Im not part of this family, why didn’t you send me away?”

Niki looked to James but he couldn’t find any answers in James eyes. They where both so utterly confused. Where had all this come from?

James had to take over, he had spent to long letting Niki deal with everything. “Kimi can you go to your room please, we would like to talk to lauri alone”

Kimi nodded and glanced back as he left the room.

James took a step back and pulled on Nikis shirt urging him to do the same.

“Come and sit down ok?” lauri didn’t move “please lauri” James sat on the bed Niki next to him. Lauri slowly circled his piano and grabbed the stool dragging it on front of them, not to close.

“First , answer Niki . Where did you go?”

Lauri shrugged “non of your business, its not like you care anyway” Niki stood about to lecture lauri again but James caught his arm and tugged. Niki took a deep breath and sat back down folding his arms shaking with anger.

“im not accepting that young man! You tell us where you went now or..”

“or? What?” lauri cut in “you’ll lock me in my room? Lock my windows? Take away my guitars or something? I don’t care, do what you like see if I care, it doesn’t bother me what you do. The worst already happened to me”

That caught Nikis attention and he dropped his arms back to his lap and looked at lauri with concern.

“What do you mean by that?” Niki pressed , dreading the answer.

“They all died and I have to live this stupid pointless life. Its not fair, they all left me behind” lauri hung his head as tears fell and his shoulders shook. 

“It doesn’t matter anyway, you cant fix any of it. You can fix it for kimi, you can help him you cant help me. You don’t even notice me, why am I even here?”

Niki stood and walked over he knelt on front of lauri and tilted his chin up so he could see his face.

“you’re here because we love you, and were sorry if you feel you’ve been second to kimi. That was never our intention…”

“But you can’t help it” lauri cut him off “and that’s ok, he’s special I know, I see it, Ill never have what he has with you both , you gave me a home and you fed me and you cared for me a little . Ill always be great full but im not your son . I had parents I had a life I had things kimis never had so he won’t ever miss them and he knows no better. You don’t know how much it hurts missing her every day , my mum. Hearing her voice sing me a lullaby, my dad playing the piano. You’ve been through a lot I don’t wanna cause more problems but I don’t want to live here anymore like this… and I was at my friends house if you must know. Im sorry if I scarred you both. Can I just go to sleep now?”

Nikis lips had gone dry and his head was pounding all he could do was nod stand and walk away. James ran a hand through Lauri’s hair kissed his forehead and followed Niki. There was nothing they could say between them at that point that would have made a difference. 

James found Niki in the kitchen a glass of vodka in his hand sitting at the table starring at the wall. James pored himself a glass of straight whiskey and sat across from him.

“I made a mistake didn’t I” it wasn’t a question; James watched Niki stair into his glass swirling the liquid round and round.

“With lauri, we just made his life worse by bringing him here.”

James reached over and took Nikis hand 

“No. You didn’t make a mistake and we can’t quit here. Kimi needed help we had to make a decision for him and we did. We gave him space which was exactly what he needed .its time to help lauri, to find out what he needs. I kind of see things clearer now, and don’t laugh at me when I say it. But we got given the chance to raise these two boys because they needed us, they needed our help.”

Niki didn’t laugh but he didn’t believe James either “you heard him. We can’t help him. I can’t bring people back from the dead can you?” James frowned.

“he’s our son Niki” Niki looked away, he stood and left the table walking out the conservatory doors into the cold air. Kimi heard everything from behind the kitchen door.

Lauri fought angry tears which slid from his eyes onto his pillow.


	44. now you see me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauri gives niki and james a huge wake up call.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter44copy.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter44.jpg.html)

The atmosphere in the house was tense once more. Lauri and kimi didn’t eat together at the breakfast table, lauri opting to have all meals in his room away from them all. As the days slowly ticked by his seclusion seemed to become complete until eventually no one saw him. 

Kimi on the other hand was calmer more contented, and had even stopped forgetting his trousers for school in the morning! He and James got on better, kimi even struck up conversation with James unprompted.

And all three where back in the make shift track outside, testing kimis kart and improving his driving for the final race. The cold evenings outside served only as a momentary distraction from the problems they now faced with lauri. Niki had in his anger nailed the bedroom window shut and had confiscated Lauri’s house key so if he wanted inside he needed to follow kimi home, no more staying late after school with his band. It worked for a week. Then one evening kimi dashed up the drive and burst through the doors ,significantly later than he should have been on a school night, without lauri.

“I waited but…..im sorry he just didn’t meet me after school. Its cold im hungry I wanted to come home.” James was slightly annoyed at kimi, Niki was furious.

“We told you to watch him at school! Follow him if you needed to!” James held a hand up trying to calm the situation.

“Its his birthday tomorrow I bet he’s just off with his friends and as usual didn’t ask first, lets all just calm down and ill take the car and look for him with kimi”

Niki folded his arms “we will ALL go” kimi rolled his eyes and huffed clearly displeased. His stomach rumbled he just wanted to come home and get dinner!

Just before they went out the door the phone rang. Niki answered sounding more stern that usual.

“What?” there was a silence then a timid voice on the other end.

“Mr. Lauda or mr hunt please?” Niki huffed , he didn’t have time for this.

“Mr. Lauda , speaking now what do you want?” James made a displeased face at Niki , Niki furrowed his nose in response. Kimi stood there and couldn’t help thinking how childish they both where.

“Mr. lauda im so sorry to disturb you at this hour, I’m ida hakala , my son aki didn’t come home from school is he maybe with lauri at your house? I know him and lauri are good friends I thought maybe he might be there?”

Nikis expression changed to one of concern and utter confusion “one second please” he said and put his hand over the receiver so the women couldn’t hear.

“Kimi who the hell is aki hakala? This women says she’s his mother and that he’s Lauri’s friend?” kimi looked at him and shrugged.

“I don’t know” he added. James snatched the phone from Niki.

“Hi this is james hunt, you where just speaking to my partner Niki Lauda. We are Lauri’s dads and he’s not come home, you say your son is his friend?”

“Yes…uh hello James, im Ida , aki and lauri are quite close. your son often comes here for dinner and they play music in the garage or the basement. your son is very talented! However aki didn’t come home this evening and im really starting to worry about him he would always call me if he was late, he isn’t with you is he?”

“im sorry Ida but lauri is missing as well and we where just about to go looking for him…your welcome to join us or we can call you if we find them?”

Ida elected to join James Niki and kimi, they drove past the woods Niki and James getting out and scouting, then they tried the nearest town with the burger joints and clubs they even tried the bars just incase. Niki and James searched the ally ways and doubled back to check the school building. There was no sign. Ida phoned akis older sister who was married and living in the next town she hadn’t seen them either. But she did sound sketchy over the phone.

Ida went home to wait just incase they showed up , James and Niki searched one last time , there was no luck.

That evening they fed kimi what little they could manage to cook and sent him to bed even though he objected and wanted to wait up for lauri. 

James and Niki sat by the fire , every so often Niki glanced at the phone.

“Should we call them?” James spoke breaking the silence and seeming to read niki’s mind.

“he’s not a small child so they wont look until he’s been missing 24 hours….god James its freezing out there! Why is he doing this to us? First kimi now him, where are we going wrong? Or what if someone took him?”

James moved closer and put his arms around Niki, Niki nuzzled his neck inhaling his scent and sighed.

“he’s hurting Niki, he’s rebelling, we all did it, look at me and you! Left rich families to go race bathtubs on wheels!” Niki couldn’t help chuckle at that.

They sat there exchanging idle chat both occasionally staring at the clock as the minutes then hours ticked by. The phone rang and Niki jumped racing to catch the receiver.

“Lauri?” he asked sounding hopeful, there was heavy breathing and sobbing coming from down the line. It was a women, Ida.

“Ida? Ida what’s happened? Are the boys there are they ok?”

“Aki hasn’t come home, Mr. Lauda please we have to find them. Call the police there just kids and there all alone.”

Niki did call the police and there was an immediate hunt for the missing boys. They searched the woods with dogs and took statements from Ida , Niki and James . They woke kimi who also gave a statement and handed over some of Lauri’s clothes for the dogs to get a scent from.

Lauri’s fourteenth birthday passed and he was still missing. James and Niki had bought him a new custom guitar arranged for him to see his favorite band in Germany and had reservations at Lauri’s favorite restaurant. Kimi had started working with James on a beginner’s style kart for lauri since he had made the pact with kimi on the plane.

The day passed and as night fell Niki and James cried in each others arms every moment not knowing what had become of there youngest son making there chests ache.

Kimi sat on Lauri’s bed and looked round his empty room. As he looked round he caught something out of place at the piano. Lauri’s sheets of music where surprisingly tidy and sat to one side above the piano. The sheet music was never tidy, kimi knew that. He walked over and besides the sheets was an envelope he picked it up, it was plane and addressed to no one so he opened it and read;

“By now you must have realized I am missing. If you notice me at all then you’ve found this letter. Don’t panic ill be home soon. You will of course be mad at me but I am safe and I had to do this, take this opportunity, you wouldn’t understand so I didn’t tell you, well I did tell you but you didn’t listen. I am sorry it had to be on my birthday but there was something I needed to do. Aki is ok he’s with me. For what its worth I love you both. Kimi to.

Lauri”

Kimi gazed over the letter and yelled “Isa’s!!!!” moment’s later Niki and James burst through Lauri’s bedroom door. Kimi held out the note which Niki took and read , James glancing over his shoulder.

“You don’t notice him ….none of us do. If we did we would have seen that the music sheets where tidy and noticed the note, his music sheets are never tidy because he’s always playing something and scribbling on them” kimi looked at them with a deeply sad expression on his face.

Niki re read the letter “what does he mean ‘opportunity’? What did he need to do that he couldn’t tell us about?”

James took the letter and read it carefully.

“Lets call Akis mum and the police.”

The police concluded that lauri hadn’t written a ‘runaway’ letter and that it seemed his intention was to come back, however they continued to look despite that knowledge. 

The next day the phone went around 10am, it was the police deputy 

“Mr. Lauda? We found them, there here, they are ok a bit chilled but other than that they are both fine. Come down to the station I think we all need to have a chat”

James and Niki sped through the town to the station, kimi was in class and they didn’t want to pull him out of lessons. His life had to get back into a routine , the progress he had made couldn’t be set back. 

When they entered the station they met Ida passing them talking very sternly to a young tall slim blonde haired boy that they assumed was Aki . She stopped to say how awful lauri was and how ashamed they should be and how much of a bad influence he was on Aki. Niki didn’t respond and pulled James with him, not interested in the women’s rants he wanted to see lauri.

The deputy met them and led them down a corridor to an interview room.

“hes in here, go easy on him we kind of have him thinking hes going to jail and hes rather terrified” the deputy winked but that did nothing for Nikis mood he wasn’t feeling at all humorous.

The deputy opened the door and at first Niki was going to turn and say that the boy sitting their wasn’t lauri until he looked closer. Lauri’s hair was platinum blonde and spiked in every direction and he had little lines shaved into his eyebrows.

James stood mouth open slightly and Niki nearly fell back wards.

“What the hell happened to your hair?!” was the only thing James could manage. Lauri looked up sheepishly at them both, he was clad in just a white vest shirt black baggy jeans and black worn out converse. It had been freezing since he had gone missing but James concluded he hadn’t been outside in it as he looked surprisingly perky .

“Where the hell have you been! We had police with dogs and everything looking for you! We sat on your birthday and cried because we had no idea what had happened to you! Do you have any idea what you’ve put us through? Do you!” Niki just erupted he was a ball of pent up emotions and everything was getting on top of him. 

Lauri’s eyes welled up but he fought to contain the tears. He looked like an angry child who had been told off for stealing sweets. His bottom lip trembling.

James grabbed Niki and forced him down into of the chairs sitting next to him in the other.

“son look we are really angry with you but we want to try and understand so can you please explain what the fuck this is all about?”

Lauri flinched when James swore hearing the contained anger in his voice.

He struggled to speak stammering at first “i…i…we , we went to Helsinki, there was ..a concert . i….i wanted to enter. Pauli and Eero drove…im sorry”

“Helsinki! You went all the way to Helsinki!” James grabbed Nikis arm again and squeezed.

“Calm down Niki, ill handle this.” Niki gave James a frightening glare but James held his resolve and Niki looked away.

“First, who is pauli and Eero?”

“There…from senior school , they’re my friends , they’re in the band” lauri added trying not to look at Niki.

“What band lauri?” Lauri’s face fell at that , james and Niki really didn’t pay any attention at all to him. 

“My band, …we went to Helsinki to play our first show.” James rubbed the back of his neck frustrated.

“So you snuck off after school to go to Helsinki with boys you never told us about in a band you never told us about to play a show that funny enough you never told us about!” James raised his voice and lauri recoiled into his chair murmuring.

“What was that I didn’t hear you”

“I did tell you about the band! You didn’t listen! And I asked if I could go I left the flyer with Niki!” James looked sideways and noticed Niki looked a lot less angry and alot more guilty.

Niki brought his hands his face and shook his head. 

“He did tell us , remember two weeks after kimi left for Scotland? He bugged you all day but you where so down and then he came and tried to talk to me, I told him to leave whatever it was on the desk in your study ….neither of us ever checked . He did also tell us about the band …at dinner one evening”

James swallowed and was suddenly hit with a huge pang of guilt, they had been so wrapped up in kimi having left that everything lauri said seemed not to register with them. Niki was a lot calmer now and James was feeling a lot less angry as well.

Niki leaned over and put his hand over Lauri’s.

“Ok, enough for now. Lets go home.”

“aren’t I going to jail? For all the trouble I caused?” lauri looked at Niki terrified. Niki momentarily thought about telling him the truth but instead felt this might work to his advantage.

“we are getting you off this time, next time you wont be so lucky” lauri stood sharply and grasped Nikis hand holding it firmly. 

James smirked a little at Niki.

When they got home it was to early for kimi to be back from school. Niki glanced over at lauri who followed them both into the kitchen and was standing there looking sorry for himself. Niki wanted to hold him but there was a new fear when it came to lauri, a fear of being pushed away.

“The hair is kind of cool…but once it starts growing out your not getting it done again until your eighteen!” lauri looked up and the edges of his mouth seemed to turn upwards slightly. Niki smiled at him as best he could and walked over.

Lauri leaned in and put his head on Nikis chest , Niki wrapped both arms round him and held him close resting his head on Lauri’s spikey hair.

“we will listen from now on. Things will change were hear for you, we love you. Let us in? Please don’t shut us out” lauri felt a hand on his back, James. 

“kiddo were so glad your safe , you nearly gave us both heart failure” 

The front door opened and the sound of a backpack hitting the floor and the thudding of boots echoed throughout the house. James moved aside and Niki released lauri who collided with a very happy kimi.


	45. "can you keep a secret?'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kimi and lauri sit down for a heart to heart.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter45.jpg.html)

Lauri had to live with the sobering fact that his and Aki’s actions meant the band was no more. Aki was only able to speak to him in school and pauli and Eero faced charges from the police for abducting minors. It was a horrible mess. The only comfort he had was knowing that the show they put on was phenomenal and they where incredibly well received by the crowds. For those fleeting moments he felt special, he was noticed, people listened to him and he meant something, he had a purpose. Now once more it was all gone. Despite Niki and James promising change there was no point in listening to someone and trying to reach them if they had nothing left to say and where to far gone to be reached. 

Lauri tried harder but in the end his own space with his own thoughts was always where he ended up again. The same routine, he was only physically present at dinner or on movie nights or at kimis race practices, mentally he was far away. 

Niki and James had his co operation had his silent promise of behaving. But he was miserable and they where loosing him. He was slipping and they wanted so desperately to pull him back before it was to late.

Once again focus had to shift, kimis race in Norway was fast approaching. Nico hadn’t called but kimi knew he would be there, either in support of Sebastian or racing himself. Kimi knew things where difficult he didn’t want to press his parents for time with Nico just yet. The race would be a reunion, for now that was enough afterwards him and Nico could devise their own plan to stay in touch.

Kimi wasn’t blind to Lauri’s problems, he uncharacteristically called of practice one evening because he knew lauri was all-alone in his room and kimi needed to start breaking down the walls his brother had put up.

He knocked gently on the door. Without waiting for the answer he pushed it open. 

Lauri was on the floor on his belly legs swinging behind him scribbling idly on some papers, kimi joined him cross-legged on the floor.

“Hey” he said gazing over Lauri’s shoulder “what r ya doing?”

Lauri shrugged “stuff, what do you need?” kimi swayed a little trying to think of something, anything to keep lauri talking and engaged with him.

“you said youd teach me to play guitar…how about a lesson?” kimi wasn’t all that interested in learning but if it made lauri pay attention to him he was willing to give more than his best effort. Lauri looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“I though you where joking? You know ill suck at karting there’s no point you teaching me …” lauri stopped as he noticed kimi frowning “uh well ill try it of course…” he sighed and pushed himself up to sit next to kimi “you better use my old guitar then….its a simple shape and you can reach chords easy its over there”

Kimi retrieved the slightly worn looking white wood guitar from its stand next to the piano and sat back on the floor. Lauri fetched his brand new custom black one that Niki and James had gotten him for his birthday and sat on front of kimi.

“ok well…I suppose notes r first so this is the fret board and these strings are E A D G B E , you can remember it like this ‘every angry dog gets beaten eventually’”

Kimi laughed “that’s awesome! Did you make that up?” lauri grinned, “yeah …its kinda stupid but it helped me remember”

“ok so now you can make simple chords this is G” lauri arranged his fingers on the fret board and kimi copied as best he could lauri reached over an re positioned one of his fingers. “That’s it! So you just strum it like this” kimi listened as lauri dragged his thumb down over the strings and they made a nice vibrating melodic sound, when he tried , it was less pleasing to the ears.

“sorry, that sounds like shit!” lauri actually laughed. “

Yeah kinda but its your first try so its ok, lets try C?” again lauri made the shape and kimi copied and the strummed in unison.

“Hey that sounded ok actually!” kimi beamed he was always striving to be the best , he knew music wasn’t his thing but if he could strum one chords perfect he’d be happy. 

Lauri went through more chords with him and wrote him some simple instructions they sat there as time passed them by, kimi’s heart did little flutters every time lauri hand brushed his own or when lauri would correct the position of his fingers, kimi even started messing up on purpose because he missed the closeness with his little brother. Eventually lauri called the session over and asked if kimi wanted to play cards with him instead.

It was a simple game of poker, James had taught them to play in the back of Nikis private jet when they travelled. Lauri was sharper but kimi had his speed and they both ended up taking a game each. They sat crossed legged across from each other on Lauri’s bed .

“Nervous for the race” lauri asked picking up a card.

“nah” kimi added looking at his hand.

“nervous bout Nico?” kimi looked over his hand and met Lauri’s emerald green eyes. He thought about ignoring the question, but this was his brother , his confidant and he really did need someone to off load on.

“yeah I guess….I mean its so weird now , not being a kid anymore sux stuff is so complicated” lauri nodded.

“yeah your not wrong there” the cards lay abandoned between them.

“lau what’s the matter? Why don’t you call them your Isa’s anymore?” lauri looked at his hands and sighed.

“I just…I don’t feel like I am suppose to be here, they made a mistake kimi. It was enough with just you, they didn’t need to add me I don’t have any purpose here I just feel like im standing on the outside looking in”

“If your not suppose to be here then neither am I, I was found in a woods you know. My mum had just died giving birth to me I think Niki and James think I don’t know the whole story but I do . And you’re here cause you complete us , you complete this family, you complete me. I spent a long time in Scotland looking for answers as to what my life was meant to be about , I didn’t find any because it not a question , it’s a lesson we all have to learn as we go along. You don’t know why you’re here yet but you will. You gotta stop asking and just start learning we all teach each other things, Jackie taught me to let go, and you taught me that if ever I’m lost I just need to come right back here and you’ll help me find myself again. I think we where meant to be brothers that’s why I think you’re here. Isn’t that enough? Niki and James love you , you know. Were different you and I they just don’t know how to make us both happy I guess its simpler with me , look I don’t even know what im trying to say just that..I think we are loosing you and I don’t want you to drift away . Just you and me remember? Remember we promised?”

Lauri locked eyes with kimi , they both looked for that confirmation from one another , that simple little thing that meant everything was going to be ok. They found it and smiled. 

“Just you and me” lauri echoed. Kimi nodded. 

“Lauri?” kimi asked feeling now was the time to open up.

“yeah?”

“Me and Nico…we had some moments in Scotland , we did some stuff that im not sure we should have done. If that made me like Niki and James….is that wrong? I mean I know its ok to be that way but is it wrong if the kids end up the same as the parents?”

Lauri looked thoughtful 

“No cause all straight kids are like there straight parents? Anyways who says its your parents that make you that way? Maybe its just simple as you love someone and whatever gender they are doesn’t matter? Does it? I mean weren’t Niki and James married? So that means they where kinda straight at one point?”

Kimi looked conflicted “you know about that? Niki and James think that I don’t know they where married before! How did you find out?”

Lauri looked guilty all of a sudden “I may have looked for old newspaper articles and read some books that my friends had and some of the stuff is in school as well , like stuff about the nurburgring crash, kimi can I tell you something?”

“Anything” kimi said honestly.

“is it wrong if want Niki to myself? I just think hed understand more, I get jealous when I see you with niki I don’t know why, I think he reminds me of my mother . She was strong but always gentle and she was always fair about things. James is always around but I wish Niki didn’t work so much , I don’t ever get any time with him”

Kimi couldn’t deny that Lauri’s words stung and they struck a chord with him, kimi was most like James that was undeniable but he also wanted Niki for himself. The rational part of him however realized that Nikis nurturing nature might just be what lauri was missing .

“Why don’t you ask Niki to spend time with you? Its not like he would say no…you could go on one of his business trips with him? In fact that might be a good idea seeing as im suppose to be repairing things with James.”

Lauri shrugged “maybe…anyways so you think you like Nico? Like…you wanna touch him? Or have you already?” kimi went red and could feel his cheeks burning.

“We uh…well not with our clothes off, we kissed and stuff. Niki knows but James doesn’t swear you wont tell! Swear right now!”

Lauri held his hands up “I swear I swear! Can I tell you a secret then?”

Kimi nodded “well….i almost got to have sex at the concert, there was this girl and she was drunk she thought I was older than I am, maybe it was the hair? anyways ….i got to see her topless she pushed me onto one of the couches backstage and got on top of me and everything!” kimis eyes went wide, and he felt ever so slightly aroused thinking about it. He still liked girls, a lot. 

“And….” He urged lauri on “what happened?!”

“She started kissing me , she tasted like beer and cheap cigarettes. And she took her trousers and stuff off….uhm” lauri looked down biting his lip “I saw. You know , her parts” kimi couldn’t help but feel that strong sense of pride in his little brother.

“Lauri! Oh my god!” lauri waved his hands trying to shut kimi up .

“Shut it! You’ll make them come up stairs! Anyways I didn’t touch it…I mean her. cause she started un doing my trousers and I chickened out”

Kimi laughed “you got further than me! I still haven’t seen anything , I didn’t even get to see Nico!” lauri smirked.

“Perks of being a rock star” he winked at kimi.

“ha! Just you wait till im a formula 1 driver ill have whoever I want and they will all want me”

Lauri wanted to say that kimi sounded exactly like an interview he had seen on tv of james as a young man but thought better of it.


	46. Carousel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nicos life feels like one huge fair ground ride and at times he would like to stop and get off! at other times hes happy to go along for the ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the spanish may be wrong ^^; i do apologise!
> 
> fernando says - hi friend can i help you?  
> nico says - hi are you racing?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter46.png.html)

Nico sat in his room , Sebastian curled up by his side as the now familiar sound of raised voices filled the air. Ever since returning to Germany keke and mika had fought. Mika wanted Nico to be allowed more freedoms, more choice and control over his own life. Keke wanted to mold a smart, proper focused young man with a clear path to follow he also didn’t believe that freedom was the answer to Nicos depression. Mika would argue constraint and regiment was harmful where as keke thought that was exactly what Nico needed.

Sebastian although he had reached eleven was curled close like a tiny infant , he had his thumb in his mouth sucking it for comfort , Nico noticed he did it when he was afraid that also caused problems, keke would bat the child’s hand out of his mouth and sebby would whine and winge like a child half his age. mika would always say to leave him that he would grow out of it , in truth was just concerned that Sebastian’s teeth where looking crooked and he was blaming the thumb sucking.

Kimi hadn’t called and Nico surmised it was because he had his own problems, nico wasn’t allowed to call him. He suspected because of the very public display of affection in Scotland. He tried every excuse to call, even that he needed karting tips from uncle Niki . Nothing worked keke said he would see kimi at the competitions and for now that was enough. 

Nico swore as soon as he was old enough he was leaving , he was starting to hate both sides of his family, Monaco with his mother and Munich with his father . he missed espoo the sleepy village of his childhood , snow covered paths trees glistening with icicles the crisp clean air and the sweet pair of icy blue eyes that when he was a child he wished he could swim in because they looked like the ocean on a clear winters day.

“Nico? Im scared I don’t like this” seb whined sounding very infant like. Nico found his sudden regression in age annoying but couldn’t bring himself to scold him; Sebastian was still a child after all even if he did race with the big boys he certainly wasn’t one of them.

“it’ll be over soon, just don’t listen to them”

“I can’t not listen! They are so loud! Cant we just tell them to shut up?” Nico grinned , he would love to say that to them somehow he didn’t think it would go down well.

“its race day tomorrow , you should be in bed asleep little dumkopf!” Sebastian removed his thumb and gave Nico a completely baby ish frown.

“I am not stupid! That’s mean! I don’t like you anymore!” Nico laughed and brought his hand to his head in a dramatic gesture.

“thank god! Now maybe you’ll leave me alone!” Sebastian winged and started hitting his arm.

“shut up! I don’t like you! Your horrible!” Nico shielded his face from the assault giggling as Sebastian grew more frustrated. Eventually he gave up and sulked on the edge of the bed. The commotion down stairs had died down. The house was eerily quite. Nico hopped off the bed his bare feet padding along the cold wood floor. He opened his door slightly and listened. There was nothing, he took a deep breath and opened the door slipping out as quietly as he could stepping lightly, toes first the heels so his footsteps wouldn.t be heard. Sebastian shimmied after him but got as far as the door and dared not to follow any further.

Nico flinched and yelped in shock as he saw keke start walking up the stairs. He dashed back to his room even though he had been spotted.

Nico and Sebastian jumped back onto Nicos bed and Sebastian clutched his arm as the door opened and keke came in.

Keke looked weary and his eyes were puffy and red. 

“boys mika has decided to stay somewhere else tonight. Just me and you two at the race tomorrow he wont be there” Nico understood exactly what was going on , it had happened him before with keke and his mother and he knew that mika wouldn’t be away for just one night he was sure that it was over between his father and mika. Sebastian however did not understand and he winged and protested eventually crying which keke clearly couldn’t handle and he walked away leaving the sobbing mumbling mess of a child for Nico to console. 

Keke dragged a very weary Sebastian who had cried most of the night out of his bed at 6am and fought with him to eat get dressed and get into the car so they could catch there flight to Norway. Nico silently got ready there was no way he was helping with Sebastian any more. the night he had put in with the little boy was enough ,he wouldn’t handle the fallout for his father. 

By the time they arrived at the track Sebastian was in no mood for a race. He kicked and lashed out at keke in a tantrum to end all tantrums when keke woke him from his nap. Sebastian was a very difficult child he needed prepped for races days in advance. Mikas job usually, they would take him places like bowling and the cinema buy him things then he would not co operate with his healthy diet and his stringent training routine and set bedtimes. they would prep him on the day spending lots of time fussing over him and praising him calling him there “world champion” and “the prodigy” mostly it made Nico feel like vomiting but it worked and Sebastian almost always won, almost . 

Today sebs prepping had gone out the window and his bratty immature self was showing and keke wasn’t coping , Nico was secretly elated , as Sebastian not being on form meant that kimi would be the under 16 world karting champion. He himself wouldn’t be racing as he hadn’t secured sponsorship whilst living in Monaco that year and his only hope would be to get on a team with his friend Lewis next season.

Whilst keke battled Sebastian Nico approached a group of boys. He had seen them before but had never talked with any of them, there was a dark haired tanned skinned boy and slim blonde haired round-cheeked one and another tall slim one with brown ish hair. Nico got closer and closer until he was standing on the outside of their little huddle. Then the tanned one noticed him.

“hola amigo, te podemos ayudar?” Spanish, Nico spoke Spanish! He felt better already.

“hola estás compitiendo?” the boy grinned madly at him and raised his hands in an exaggerated fashion.

“ha! You speak ah the Spanish ? but you is no Spanish yes?” Nico smiled and shook his head.

“im…” he hesitated , did he say Finnish or German or both? “im half German and half Finnish”

The boy held out his hand “Alonso, Fernando Alonso”

Nico took his hand “Rosberg, Nico Rosberg”

A look of recognition sparked across all there faces and the other brunnete piped up in a strange accent “oi mate! Keke rosbergs kid! Hiya im mark , mark webber and this is jenson button”

Jenson raised his hand curtly and Nico did the same.

“you ah racing? Yes? No?” the Spaniard added Nico shook his head 

“no not this year maybe next, my …adopted brother Sebastian vettel Is racing”

Nico watched as all there expressions harden , he wondered what he’d said wrong?

“ah” was all Fernando said then someone in the distance caught there attention and mark started whispering frantically to jenson Nico followed Fernando’s gaze and his heart skipped a beat in his chest, kimi.

“lookie its Raikkonen! come on nando time to crush some ice! Move it button!” mark jogged off and jenson followed Fernando shook Nicos hand again and said;

“I see you again amigo , an I hope is good race for you brodder , he will be eating my dust” Nico grinned and waved as Fernando raced off. 

Nico tried to make his way through the sea of people to get to kimi but before he could reach him , kimi was all set in his racing over alls with his helmet on and preparing to get into the kart. He glanced over the barrier and saw the three others doing the same Sebastian was only half dressed and dragging his helmet behind him with keke trying to fix and help him. Nico watched the amused expressions cross Fernando mark and jenson’s faces. 

He felt a small pang of anger and wanted to scold them for mocking a child, but he also knew that Sebastian was a pain in there sides and they would do anything to beat him.  
The poll lap was tense with kimi making contact with Fernando causing Fernando to loose valuable places and fall behind, kimi took pole position from Sebastian who had made a rookie error on one of the turns. Nico watched James and Niki celebrate whilst keke put his head in his hands. 

“come on kimi” Nico muttered under his breath. “Come on, come one, come on” he chanted over and over. The checkered flag fell and he jumped onto the barrier so he could see better and despite being in ear shot of keke he yelled 

“COME ON KIMI!!! GO ICEMAN!” 

Kimi had seen Nico but not let on , he could see him standing at the barrier right now he had seen him talking to those arseholes that kimi hated and he could even hear him cheering, kimi could hear Nico cheer for him…he couldn’t believe it .through his visor the track sped past the lines blurring he held focus and even when he made contact with Fernando again and momentarily lost his lead he told himself he had to win , not for himself or to beat Sebastian to even to be world champion but for Nico because Nico was cheering him on. He pushed, Niki and James hearts where in there throats and lauri was stood like Nico on the barrier screaming at the top of his lungs for kimi to “push harder!”. 

Kimi got his lead back on the last lap and tensions built amongst the crowd as Fernando aggressively attacked his lead. However Fernando couldn’t mount a challenge and in the end kimi crossed the line, once again the under 16s world champion reclaiming his title from Sebastian. Nico leapt into the air one name falling from his lips.

“Kimi!!!!!!”


	47. revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico and Kimi discover that they are not alone in there odd flux of hormonal affections.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter47.png.html)

After the race Nico elbowed his way through the crowds and somewhat rudely dived at kimi before he could even climb the podium or his fathers and brother could congratulate him. Kimi was so stunned by the sudden body that had collided with him that he was ready to spin round and give the person a piece of his mind. when he realized it was Nico his breath caught in his throat and he threw his arms round him.

“You won! Your champion! Ow god kimi you won!” Nico ranted partly unable to hear himself over the cheers and the beating of his won heart.

Kimi laughed his clean white teeth sparkled, a sight not many saw and the press snapped photo after photo of them, what a story this would make! “Son of keke Rosberg ,Sebastian vettels adopted brother congratulates his fathers former rivals Niki Lauda and James hunts son, kimi Raikkonen!” it was gold! 

“I have to get up there now ill see you in a minute! DO NOT LEAVE” kimi said firmly but with the smile never leaving his face as he climbed onto the number one spot, 

Fernando next on number two and his very sulky little brother in number 3. Nico couldn’t help smirking, the selfish little brat did deserve a wake up call. He felt partly bad for Sebastian but also happy that his brother finally tasted the reality of the sport and would have to realize he wouldn’t always be number one.

Niki and James approached Nico and shook his hand.

“you didn’t race this time?” Nico shook his head looking a little disappointed.

“focus is on seb so dad didn’t get me any any sponsorship , seb can win so I guess it made sense to focus on him” that struck a chord with Niki , a very painful one, it seemed keke had also unconsciously chosen between his sons leaving one in the dark. 

“Well ill speak with keke, we need to catch up I believe you should be out there with kimi not just supporting him . it was your dream as children to race together” Nico smiled remembering kimis old playroom and his helmets and pretend race cars that they could sit in. he nodded looking hopeful James patted his shoulder.

“You can steal kimi after we congratulate him , ok?” Nico beamed at them 

“thanx uncle Niki and James!” 

the commentators voice cut in 

“Another stunningly aggressive drive from the young Scandinavian kimi Raikkonen! Well done kimi! under 16’s world champion ! no doubt its formula 1 for you next?! How do you feel!”

Niki mumbled to James “here we go. Whadya reckon 3 words or 4? I say 4” James shook with laughter and Nico grinned getting the joke.

Kimis thick Finnish drawl cut in “im happy” he said barely smiling the press making him tense. Niki giggled 

“we both loose! I believe that was 2!” the commentator looked flustered 

“eh well he’s the strong silent type folks!” the crowd laughed and kimi scowled which made James laugh even more. They moved onto Fernando.

“and our Spanish lion! Closest you’ve ever come to a win? What do you think formula 1 for you next as well?”

Fernando shrugged bit smiled weakly for the press “I would like very much yes but we see what happens” the commentator nodded

“good lads these very good lads! Watch out for them folks! Formula 1 isn’t far away!” Nico watched as James instantly stopped laughing his face suddenly looked sterner even slightly panicked. The commentator moved to seb. Nico felt like shrinking away and hiding.

“And poor young Sebastian remember folks he’s only eleven ! What a spectacular young man to be here with these grown lads! You usually are first or second what do you think went wrong?”

Sebastian’s lower lip started to tremble and Nico could see there father out of the corner of his eye giving seb a pointed look, Nico knew that look it meant if seb started crying there would be trouble. Seb sniffed as the man held the microphone to him, kimi felt he should maybe comfort the youngster but he wasn’t quite sure how.

Then someone climbed onto the podium and keke and Nico gasped at the same time. The photographer’s flashes went off like lightning bolts. Mika stood behind seb and placed his hands on his shoulder.

“seb had a rough day today but you will keep a close eye because he ish a champion and he will be back on form, wont you” mika looked down and Sebastian instantly changed his demeanor looking happier he nodded frantically. Kimi placed a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder , Nico watched as sebs expression turned from one of shock to awe as he gazed up at kimi. Kimi winked at him and patted his shoulder. Nico should have felt proud instead he felt immensely jealous. 

When they all clambered of the podium and Niki , James and lauri had fawned over kimi and mika had disappeared with Sebastian leaving keke standing awkwardly, Nico made his way over to kimi again.

“we agreed Nico could steal you for awhile” James said “be back at our truck in a couple of hours ok? And here’s some money for food and some of the attractions outside the track go have fun!” 

“thanx Isa James! See you soon!” kimi waved and Nico smiled then they both sped off. 

“I best speak with keke” James looked to Niki his expression serious.

“yeah maybe would should both go?”

At that moment lauri interrupted “cant we go do something outside the track? Just me and you? James can go himself cant he?”

James looked at lauri with a raised eyebrow then back to Niki “you can go with him if you like? To be honest keke talks more freely to me anyway” Niki nodded , that was true.

“yeah ok , come on lau lets go get something to eat first!” lauris smile was the brightest James had seen in a long time and he felt ever so slightly confused as to what was going on.

As Nico and kimi walked along laughing , there sides and arms brushing off each other they heard muffled voices. Nico stopped first then kimi, kimi turned to him about to question why they where stopping when Nico walked over to one of the sheds and peered round.

between the shed wall and one of the garages. Was a thin passageway half way up was mark and another figure crouched down with its head in its hands. Nico assumed by the dark hair that it was Fernando . He strained to hear, kimi walking over and peering in aswell.

“mate they seen how good you did today! No one will question that!” mark spoke reassuringly.

“I was supposed to win! Is no good second, I wont get sponsorship next time I cant race , we are to poor my parents cannot do it anymore!” Fernando sounded on the verge of tears.

Mark knelt down and placed his hands on the young Spaniards knees “I wont let that happen! You can do this Fernando! You’ll get sponsors you heard them? formula 1 next! Don’t give up mate. I need you here by my side, you’re the greatest guy I ever met” 

Nico and kimi watched as mark held Fernando who buried his face the Australians neck; they watched as Fernando closed his eyes and sighed weakly. They couldn’t deny their shock when the Spaniard turned his head and met the young Australians lips with his own.


	48. what they don't know, can't hurt them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> as always with Nico and Kimi a moments innocence turns into dangerous passion.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter48.png.html)

The boys watched as mark pushed Fernando onto his back onto the tarmac, never breaking their kiss. Nico didn’t know these boys but kimi knew their reputations and was stunned. Fernando was a young passionate racer who was not shy of throwing a chair or two if he lost and mark was cool , laid back `and popular with the ladies also not afraid of letting people know it. 

Nico pulled at kimi who couldn’t peel his eyes away.

“kimi!” he hissed in his ear “kimi come on, we shouldn’t be spying!” finally kimi snapped back to reality

“huh?..ow , OW! Uhm” he stood and brushed his knees stammering. Nico had to stifle a laugh incase they got caught. They quickly shuffled off in the direction of the food stalls and the few rides that had been set up to entertain the spectators.

Kimi didn’t speak and seemed far away. Nico tugged his sleeve.

“hey, come back . im right here you know!” kimi shook his head ran a hand through his hair smiling apologetically.

“sorry, I know them. I would NEVER have….” He couldn’t find the words, he was completely shocked. But should he be? Out of 30 young racers aged 11 to 16 wouldn’t some of them be interested in boys not girls? Or was it just friendly affections of comfort? He was confused it looked like they where being very passionate but then again Spanish men and even Italian men kissed one another…he felt conflicted. But watching them had made him want to do the same with Nico.

“nico?”

“yeah?” Nico looked up at him with those gorgeous green/blue eyes.  
Kimi sucked in a breath, this was his chance. After all they had a couple of hours alone together.

“wanna find our own …private place?” Nico’s eyes went wide at first and kimi regretted his offer momentarily until he saw the red rise on Nicos cheeks and he nodded enthusiastically. 

Kimi chewed his bottom lip and glanced around, he spotted that some of the garages where empty and he knew that one or two of them had locking doors. He led Nico back the way they had came. 

Back in the ally mark got off Fernando panting. Fernando lay on the tarmac and laughed a little.

“Why you laughing mate?” mark breathed out sounding more serious than he intended.

Fernando shook his head, “you surprise me, you never do that before!” mark grinned.

“thought you Spanish liked it,” mark winked and Fernando leaned up on his elbows to look him in he eye.

“you think it’s a Spanish think what you do? Ow mark an I thought you liked me…” mark looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. So he couldn’t fool Fernando with a friendly kiss, he did have to admit he had been a little to obvious a few moments ago pushing Fernando onto his back beneath him.

“mate….” Fernando raised his hand to hush him. 

Mark watched as Fernando stood brushing down his race suit, mark stood and grabbed his arm. Fernando looked down at marks hand and then up to his face.

“get off, now” mark immediately removed his hand, the young Spaniard was not to be messed with. 

“Fernando , I do like you , you must know by now. I aint gonna play these games mate its not my style”

Fernando grinned again and patted his shoulder. he grabbed mark either side of his face and pulled him into a kiss.

When they broke apart Fernando kept their faces so close that mark could feel his breath on his lips.

“I know, I see you on vacation in spain” with that he released mark and walked away.

“see you in spain” mark muttered after him.

When they got to the garages kimi made a noise of delight as one of the doors opened. He peered inside. It was empty and the door could be locked from the inside. It must be there lucky day he thought.

He let Nico in first carefully watching the crowd in the distance for signs that anyone was watching. Once he was sure they hadn’t been spotted he went in after Nico and closed the door.

Nico flicked on the light switch, there was spare kart parts strewn everywhere. The surfaces where all cluttered with tools, blue prints, recites and various other pieces of unidentifiable clutter. There were some tables and a few ripped arm chairs. 

“delightful” Nico mumbled sarcastically. Kimi shrugged.

“Least its private” kimi relied.  
“what did you have in mind? Remember we promised niki…” Nico suddenly looked worried and guilty.

“what niki doesn’t know wont hurt him and besides we arnt gonna..You know ‘do it’ there is other stuff that’s not so bad to do.”

Nico blushed furious thinking of the possibilities. 

“yeah I know and I want to but…arnt we still to young? I mean as far as the law is concerned isn’t it illegal?”

Kimi shrugged, he was very successfully hiding the fact that he was just as worried and nervous as Nico.

“Niki and James still cant get married cause that’s still illegal. Also being gay is illegal in most of the world anyways so ….”

“soo..Why worry? Is that it?” Nicos voice was shaky and he wasn’t sure kimis logic was sound.

“yeah I guess…uhm look its not like we are babies! Were almost sixteen. And you don’t have to , we can just kiss if you like? That’s hardly worthy of a jail sentence!”

Nico laughed kimi was right neither of them was pressuring the other and they where mature enough to know there own limits and what lines not to cross. 

“ok well” Nico closed the space between them and pressed his lips to kimi’s . Kimis posture instantly relaxed and he brought his hand to Nicos face his fingertips sliding into his hair caressing his scalp the soft silky blonde strands falling onto the backs of his fingers.

Kimi took control of the kiss Nico falling into a deliciously submissive position tilting his head to the side allowing kimi to take over. Kimi’s tongue sliding in and out of Nicos mouth, nico moaning into the kiss.

Nico gasped as kimis hand slid under his silky white t shirt caressing the muscles which where forming on his abdomen. Kimis fingertips where cold and felt soft as they ghosted over his skin.

Kimi broke the kiss as he felt Nicos stomach tense.

“you ok?” kimi asked concerned.

“it tickles!” Nico laughed and kimi beamed back at him.

“your cute!” kimi said and Nico screwed up his nose.

“I preferred beautiful…” kimi pursed his lips which made Nico laugh more.  
“you know I suck with words!” 

“stop talking then!” Nico said catching the hem of his shirt and slowly pulling it up. Kimi watched transfixed as more and more of Nicos caramel skin was revealed, his waist, his abs his chest and then finally, Nico had removed his shirt revealing his whole upper torso. Kimi shouldn’t be as turned on, after all there was plenty of boys running around topless in the summer and he never batted an eyelid. But this was different this was Nico and he was madly attracted to Nico.

Kimi looked at him in all his glory, his gaze made Nico shudder. His youthful physique already showing tell tale signs of what he would look like as a fully grown man. 

Kimi pulled the zip down on his race suit which instantly caught Nicos attention. Nico watched unconsciously running his tongue over his bottom lip . The zip made that whizzing metallic noise as it was unhitched the noise filling the entire room cutting through the sudden silence. Kimi pulled one arm out then the other revealing his skin tight mock neck under garment. clinging to his torso hugging every muscle his hard nipples jutting out through the fabric. Kimi tied the arms of the suit round his waist and slid his hands down under the race suit to grab the hem of the under shirt. It looked to Nico like his hands might be going else where and he gasped. Kimi smiled, and pulled the hems of his undershirt up freeing it from under the suit. It was Nicos turn to enjoy the show.

Kimis skin was far whiter than Nicos, he was true Scandinavian beautifully pale. Kimi took much less time and practically yanked the under shirt off and over his head. Nico drank in the sight before him. Kimis abdomen flat with the beginnings of a six pack forming his pecks where more defined than Nicos his nipples where a lush pink where as Nicos where a dusty brown and kimi had a trail of hair forming from his belly button down wards , Nico knew where that led and he instantly had a vision of kissing it all the way down…

Before the thought could run wild kimi had reached out and ran his hand down the length of Nicos torso , neck to waist which had made Nico shiver. Nico reached out and touched kimi making sure his finger tips caressed his nipple, before Nicos hand could run down to kimi’s waist kimi pulled him flush against him.

There bare upper halves pressed close together, chests, nipples , abs brushing against each other. Nicos eyes closed in utter pleasure and kimi looked at him hungrily. There young bodies were both reacting and they where both aroused.  
Kimis hands ran up and down the flat expanse of Nicos back Nico leaned into him craning his neck, resting his head on kimis bare shoulder exposing his neck . Kimi leaned in and kissed him under his jaw moving further down. Nico moaned and yelped loudly as kimi sucked and licked then sunk his teeth into the skin on his neck. Nico dug his finger nails into kimis side which made kimi gasp in pain and pleasure . Kimi found the sharp pain delightful. Nico reacted by dragging his nails up and down kimis sides. Kimi sucked and nipped his neck in response. 

Suddenly they where covered in sweat, there bodies sliding easily against each other. The friction was delicious and kimi slid his knee between Nicos legs . Nico rubbing himself on kimis knee .


	49. the young and the thoughtless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys payed little thought for there parents feelings or the consequences of there actions. now what will happen them?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter49.png.html)

Lauri was walking by Nikis side occasionally glancing up at Niki as if waiting for some kind of conversation to start. Niki pretended not to notice and in turn was waiting for lauri to get whatever he needed to say of his chest.

Niki broke the awkward silence first as the neared the food stalls.

“hungry? What do you feel like?” lauri glanced up at him and shrugged.

“uhm burgers?” Niki handed him the money and told him what he wanted.

“ill wait here get whatever you like” lauri trudged off looking back occasionally as if checking Niki was still there. Niki wasn’t stupid he knew his fourteen year old wanted him alone for something and Niki just wished he would tell him whatever was on his mind.

Lauri returned and they walked round the circuit slowly. Eventually lauri stopped at one of the benches.

“can we sit here? , I guess I have some stuff I wanna say” Niki nodded looking somewhat relieved and sat down next to lauri.

“uhm, I , well first I just wanted to ask if we could spend some more time together? With out James …and kimi” lauri looked suddenly guilty after asking like it was an awful request he had just made but Niki didn’t seem at all offended.

“of course son , I mean you don’t really even have to ask . we can do whatever you like. I know the racing thing is something you don’t relate to. We can do something you like doing”

Lauri smiled relieved. “yeah? I just …james is usually home but your away a lot. And when you are home kimi kinda hogs you, …” Niki suddenly clicked, lauri was jealous not only of kimi but of kimis relationship with him? Niki felt he needed to tread carefully with this one.

“why don’t I take you with me to Vienna next time I go on business? Hmm? And you could bring a friend along?”

Lauri looked happy at first but then his expression changed to one of sadness and he looked away. “pauli and eero are in trouble cause of me and I only get to see aki at school, so I don’t have any friends really”

Niki looked thoughtful for a moment “well….i guess myself and James can maybe say a word or two for pauli and eero we aren’t going to press charges anyway , and ill talk with akis mum if it makes you happy ? We got word of that concert thing you played through kimi and his friends. You did really well didn’t you? What is the band called?”

Lauri was filled momentarily with a sense of pride “the rasmus” he said plainly and huge grin on his face.  
“That explains a lot….” Lauri looked at him puzzled, Niki smirked back at him “im saying nothing but check your brothers helmet when you see him later .” 

Lauri made a confused face and Niki laughed.

“right kiddo shall we go for another walk then find your brother and your father?”

Lauri wanted to say ‘hes not my father’ but bit his tongue and nodded instead.

When they stood lauri gave Niki a hug which took him by surprise , Niki held him for a few moments and smiled warmly. 

James had been chatting with keke by the trucks. He wasn’t getting much sense out of his friend but he could establish that it seemed keke and mika where no more. When it came to Sebastian keke seemed overly emotional about the whole thing. James tried to establish whom seb would live with or how they would work things but keke was a blubbering mess and James got very little information from him. 

Then mika brought Sebastian back without a word to keke . The youngster was in a far better mood than before and had been fed and given countless ice creams to cheer him up. 

James never got a chance to interrogate mika. Ignoring the tension between the adults Sebastian simply said 

“where’s Nico?” keke snapped out of his sulking and looked round for his eldest son. He was nowhere to be seen. Then James piped up sheepishly.

“we said him and kimi could go get some food and have a couple hours together. they’ll be back soon..” keke looked less than happy about that. He glared at James and took Sebastian’s hand 

“come on seb lets find your pain of a brother “ James scowled at that. Nico had done nothing wrong and keke was acting completely out of character. 

James decided to follow them he needed to locate kimi anyway, they had a flight back to Finland to catch. Even though it was Nikis plane it still had to be out of the hanger by a certain time.

Keke and Sebastian disappeared into the crowd and as James passed the garages he heard a loud bang like something metal had collided with the concrete floor. Fearing one of the mechanics was having some issue he decided he had enough time to spare to lend a hand. 

Approaching the garages he noticed the open plan ones where all empty , he tried the door handle of one which was locked then the next which was also locked before he went to walk away he could hear what sounded like larboard breathing and moaning. He was about to ask if whoever was inside was ok when he heard a familiar voice and he froze.

“ah nico!” it was kimi and he was obviously not alone. And from the noises coming from inside whatever they where doing wasn’t innocent. 

James clenched his fists, he hoped beyond hope he wasn’t right. Then the moaning got louder it was Nico and James lost when he heard the youngster cry out his sons name.

He battered on the door “you two open this door and get out here now before I break it down!” 

Suddenly it went quiet inside but James could then hear muffled panicked whispering.

“open the door!” James bellowed. James could faintly hear a latch being undone and then a door closing, they had gone out the back!

He raced round the garages and caught site of both of them darting into the distance Nico shirtless and kimi with his over all round his waist also shirtless. They headed up the hill behind=d the garages up onto the road leading away from the track to the nearest town.

“kimi!!!!” James cried after them. kimi turned his head but kept running. 

Suddenly there was dozens of pairs of eyes on James. Luckily the paparazzi where to late to snap any shots of the boys as they had already disappeared. Keke approached James dragging Sebastian with him.

“whats going on?” he muttered through gritted teeth. James led him round the back and into the garage closing the door behind them to the prying eyes. Nicos brand new white designer top was on the floor with kimi’s under shirt. As if that wasn’t bad enough there was what looked like drops of thick white liquid on the floor. 

Any man knew what that was. James felt sick and keke went red with anger.

“What is that?” Sebastian said pointing. Clearly he was a late developer. Keke shooed him away.

“Where are they?” kekes voice sounded murderous.

“they ran when I told them to open the door. They headed for the town”

keke swung and grabbed James by the shirt “your son! Your son is a reckless worthless little animal! I told you before! This is all his fault! There underage its illegal!” Sebastian started crying and tried unsuccessfully to get out of the garage.

James grabbed keke and pushed him off “just keep your mouth shut Rosberg! Whos to say your precious flashy Nico wasn’t to blame?!” 

Before keke could launch himself at James the door swung open. Sebastian darted out like a bolt of lightning had hit him as Niki walked in. it took him less than five seconds to realize something was wrong.

“Wait outside with seb lau, will you? Good lad” Niki caressed lauri’s cheek comfortingly before he shut the door.

Niki looked at the abandoned clothing noticed the stains and then looked between keke and James and put his head in his hands .

“ow boys, you swore”


	50. The art of manipulation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi discovers Nico's new found talent and wonders if he should be fearful or impressed.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter50.png.html)

They darted across freeway after freeway following a sign for Rudskogen . The sign said they where six miles away. Eventually they reached a pedestrian walk way over the sea of cars and stopped to catch their breath.

Nico doubled over breathing hard.

“they” he puffed “they will think we had sex! They’ll kill us!” kimi sucked in air through his nose and heaved.

“They would kill us anyway.” He pointed to his back and side and then to nicos neck.

“how would we explain this?” Nico went even redder when he observed the marks he had made on kimis body. angry red trails contrasting his beautiful pale skin.

Suddenly Kimi started laughing, lightly at first then he was bent over in hysterics. Nico didn’t catch what was funny about any of this.

“hey …hey! What’s so funny?”

Kimi made a few failed attempts at speaking the laughter catching him each time. Watching nicos stern expression finally calmed him down enough to make a somewhat coherent sentence

“I can just imagine you dads face!” he burst into another fit when Nicos eyes went wide with terror.

“its not funny kimi!!! Shut up!” when kimi stopped laughing he sat next to Nico on the path , both there backs to the railings cars whizzing by beneath them.

“I wanted to touch you so much you know….i can’t wait till we are eighteen and can just..do it!” kimi smirked, Nicos eyes hadn’t left his penis as he stroked it . It was never meant to go that far but eventually kimi had given him a bit of a show. Nico had fought to keep his hands to himself. When kimi was finished though his member flaccid, Nico had attacked him and they had fallen to the floor knocking over an engine part. shortly after James voice had interrupted there passion. 

“you gonna wait or..” Nico looked at kimi confused.

“Wait?” kimi rubbed his hands on his race suit nervously.

“yeah like stay a virgin till we are old enough” 

“ow…” Nico nodded slowly “I uh , I will if you will?”

kimi smiled “I will….but..” Nico frowned and kimi panicked mumbling , words failing him again he looked away “never mind, I don’t know what I want to even say!”  
Nico was starting to realize that this was a reoccurring problem for kimi 

“take a moment , breath in and think , and then tell me” kimi looked up at the sky and breathed in deeply, the silence was long and drawn out but eventually kimi seemed to pluck the words right out of the sky, all that he needed was time.

“But, I don’t think I want to be the submissive one when we do it” Nico instantly flushed. In his dreams and fantasies of how there ‘first time’ would play out he always imagined being dominated by his friend, he felt slightly ashamed that he was so eager to submit but in a way he was now relieved that, that was exactly what kimi seemed to want.

“I uh…I don’t mind you being the top if that’s what you want?” kimi watched as Nico started smiling more to himself than anyone else “god are we actually siting here planning this? We may not live to be eighteen when we get caught!”

Kimi was laughing again this time Nico joined in.

It was dark when they reached the town. The streets murkily lit by dim streetlights. The small sleepy town was eerily quiet and there was no one walking around. Nico edged closer to kimi who had given up his race suit in order to preserve his friends dignity opting to walk in only his thin thermal under pants still topless and now shivering.

“This wasn’t one of my better ideas” kimi said teeth clattering.

“we both ran at the same time, we can share the blame” Nico replied seeing his breath in the cold night air. 

Eventually they spotted the illuminated sign of the Sheraton hotel and spotted a familiar face. 

“hola Fernando!” the Spaniard turned and jogged over when he spotted them , he looked Nico and kimi up and down and raised an eyebrow clearly confused by the sight before him.

“why you where a his suit? And raikkonen why you almost naked?” 

“its …a long story . But we are in some trouble can we borrow some clothes or something from you? Please?” Fernando swallowed as if he had suddenly been caught out by how gorgeous Nico looked, hair all tussled and clad in kimi race suit clearly shirtless underneath. Kimi watched as the tell tale sign of attraction flashed across the young Spaniards eyes and he found his fists clenching.

“I uh sorry but you know why should I help you?” kimi instantly unclenched his fists, that was the Fernando he knew. The calculating asshole who did no one any favors.

“leave it nico hes a dick” Fernando looked terribly offended by that. Nico elected to ignore kimi.

“please amigo, please help us out and we swear we wont tell anyone about earlier” kimi felt incredibly satisfied as a concerned looked flashed across Fernando’s face . Nico knew exactly how to play games and he did it exceptionally well.

“You know, you and mark? Yeah we saw that. so uhm are you going to help us ?” Fernando was furious by this point but took a deep breath and nodded. The taste of defeat was sweet and kimi was lavishing in it.

They followed the Spaniard to the elevators in the hotel and up to his floor where he let them into his hotel room first checking his parents where out. 

He flung two pairs of jeans and two t shirts at Nico and kimi.

“gracias amigo, you couldn’t spare some cash as well seeing as we are being very generous and not telling your parents about your affiliation with a certain Australian” 

Fernando glared at Nico as he delved into his pocked at chucked a few notes in his direction. Kimi remained silent the whole time letting Nico do his worst and enjoying every second.

When they left kimi heard Nico say something in Spanish to Fernando but as he didn’t understand he thought nothing of it 

“really thank you my friend, myself and kimi arnt so different from you and mark . Consider this helping others in the same position as yourself. We are all in this together now.” 

As Nico walked away he missed the look of recognition in the Spaniards eyes.  
But kimi didn’t miss the little wink Fernando gave him before he shut his hotel room door.

As they exited the elevator Nico made his way to the hotel lobby. Kimi made a desperate grab for his arm.

“what the heck are you doing!” Nico shoved him off

“shhh just let me handle this!” 

Nico approached the reception desk. A young girl with blonde hair tied back in a pony tail and bright blue eyes looked over the desk at him.

“hello can I help you?” she said in a sweet Norwegian accent. He cleared his throat, here goes nothing. He said to himself.

“my father sent me to pay the deposit for our room. He’s really busy on a very important business phone call just now. “

The young girl looked puzzled then blushed as he smiled at her. Kimi stood far enough back to not be noticed yet still be able to see. 

“im afraid you father needs to arrange the room..”

Nico put on his best concerned face and kimi watched as she instantly looked worried for him

“he will be so angry with me if I interrupt, thank you anyway” Nico turned and went to walk away when she called him back and he smirked at kimi.

“well just this once ok! What’s the name sweetheart?” kimis jaw dropped, Nico had done it. He had actually booked a hotel room without an adult using the 50 euro that Fernando had chucked them!

Nico smiled charmingly at her and kimi watched as she blushed at him and flashed him a flirtatious smile, Nico even waved at her for final effect as they entered the elevator. When the doors shut and they where alone Nico jumped up and down laughing joyously.

“omg kimi! Omg did you see?! Did you see what I did!” kimi was still in shock and stood there like someone was pointing a gun between his eyes mouth slightly open peering at Nico in disbelief.

They where defiantly in trouble now. But kimi was impressed, Nico was quite the charmer and wonderfully manipulative. Kimi couldn’t deny he was both in awe and afraid of this new found skill his friend had suddenly acquired. 

When the doors dinged open Nico practically skipped down the hallway finding there room and sliding the key in the door.

The room was large with a double bed , tv, desk and chairs a bathroom and balcony. Nico turned to kimi and simply said 

“wow” kimi nodded dumbly and shut the door behind him falling onto the bed and looking up at Nico.

“we are in so much trouble”


	51. (un) Lucky no.77

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico and Kimi are enjoying there rebellious evening when they disturb a little resident at the hotel. Niki Keke and james continue there search for the wayward teens and is fernando in trouble to?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter51.png.html)

Kimi lounged back on the bed not quite believing what Nico had puled off. Nico went through the complimentary booklet left on the table and sourced the key for hiring films and crawled up next to kimi.

“whadya wanna watch? Theres horrer…action uhm porn…” kimi nearly chocked when Nico said the last one. And glanced at the tv which now had two every naked women posing with the headline “rent now for a night of pleasure”.

Kimi looked at Nico who was grinning madly then burst out laughing. Kimi joined in.

When the hysteria died down Nico moved closer to rest his head on kimis shoulder .

“do you wanna make out?” Nico felt kimi stiffen against him but he nodded and Nico rose up over him pushing him flat onto the bed. Kimis hands instantly grasped Nicos hips. Nico discarded his shirt and bit his bottom lip seductively kimi couldn’t pull his eyes away. Nicos hand ended up under his own t shirt slipping it up his torso making kimi shudder. 

Then Nico hopped of the bed and sauntered over to the mini bar leaving kimi feeling incredibly vulnerable and turned on. He came back with the alcohol samples and pushed kimi’s shirt up pouring one vile of liquid onto his chest, kimi hissed as the cold sensation hit his flesh. Then Nico opened a much lighter coloured bottle which kimi assumed was vodka .

“open up” kimi opened his mouth slightly and Nico poured the liquid onto his lips and tongue it burned as kimi swallowed and drops trickled down his chin and neck.

Nico licked the stray streams of vodka off kimi’s neck and chin then lapped at the puddle of alcohol on his stomach. Kimi was stunned, confused, horny and impressed .

He gazed down and all he could see was Nicos soft blonde locks falling into his face and tickling kimis chest as he cleaned the alcohol of him. 

It looked a little like Nico was doing something else if he had been slightly lower down kimis body and the thought made kimi groan rather loudly. Nicos eyes snapped up and met kimis. He moved up kimis body and lay flush against him making kimi close in eyes in pure please.

“Where did you learn to do this?” kimi breathed out already completely sated , painfully aroused and exhausted .

Nico blushed “porn…I watched some one night…are you feeling good?”

“wonderful” kimi managed sounding drugged or drunk Nico couldn’t tell. They of course where well under drinking age but kimi had been known to drink with friends behind his parents back Nico however had never tasted it until that evening and was feeling a little light headed already.

“do you want me to suck you?” kimis eyes snapped open and he looked up at Nico his expression unreadable.

Nico didn’t wait for an answer and moved down kimis body, he unzipped kimis trousers sliding them down his waist , kimi took a deep shaky breath he had very little margin of time to stop this . Nico had already seen him hard and watched him masturbate but he hadn’t touched him and kimi hadn’t seen or touched Nico in his mind the line hadn’t really been crossed but the moment his hard flesh made contact with any part of Nicos body he knew it was wrong.

Nico licked his lips nervously and caught the hem of kimi’s racing under garments beneath which he wasn’t wearing any underwear, he was erect underneath. Nico started pulling them down slowly...

Kimi grabbed his arm and yanked it away sitting up and pulling his (rather Fernando’s) jeans back on, and giving Nico an apologetic look.

“we cant…its wrong. Maybe in a few years? I cant let you do that for me , im happy you’d like to but…we just cant” 

Nico had looked utterly rejected at first but seemed to relent and nodded.

“Can I watch you get off again? I’ve seen you already so its not like I cant see it again is it?” kimi thought it over then slid his hand into his jeans and tugged at his erection moaning.

“ah…ok, but not touching” Nico nodded and kimi slid his jeans and undergarments down exposing himself again. Nico watched hungrily and slid his own hand into his jeans pleasuring himself in time with kimi.

When they where both pleasured and slightly tipsy they ended up trashing the room, wrestling one another and telling stupid jokes/playing idiotic games. Nico even sent kimi knock on random hotel doors when they played truth and dare giggling like a little girl as kimi ran back to the room as the other residents opened there doors bewildered. One being a small child who had just woken up.

Keke and James couldn’t contain their anger and neither, would admit defeat when it came to their sons. James firmly now blaming Nico, whilst keke demonized kimi dragging up past events like the incident in the woods. Niki had to remind both of them of the lingering paparazzi presence and usher the two men plus Sebastian and lauri to the trucks and get them somewhere private.

They drove to the town and booked out one of the conference suits at the Sheraton hotel. Once inside the large lavish hall keke and James resumed there fight Niki calling on lauri to babysit Sebastian outside in the lobby. Mika was nowhere to be found and had disappeared after returning Sebastian so keke was fighting a lone battle against both James and Niki. Niki also holding firm that kimi was a changed young man and wouldn’t betray their trust again.

Outside lauri had found a seat in the lobby, Sebastian next to him swinging his legs impatiently and huffing and puffing as if to try and get lauris attention. Lauri resented being the babysitter but understood that the situation called for him to step in and so he was baring it as best he could. 

A young man walked past and Sebastian stood and waved. Lauri watched curiously as the youth approached.

“hello Sebastian!” it was a British accent, a posh British accent like James.

“hi jenson! My brudder nico is missing, have you seen him?” Sebastian piped up in accented, yet perfect English.

The young brit looked thoughtful. Then he made lauri jump when he said “ah! Yes , Fernando saw him with raikonnen not to long ago, Fernando is staying at this hotel you could ask him?”

Sebastian beamed “danke schoen jenson!! Ill tell my fadder!” before lauri could grab him Sebastian had sped through the doors to let keke know, leaving jenson and lauri staring awkwardly at one another.

“fadder ! fadder!” Sebastian screamed.

“not now seb! Get outside!” keke roared back but Sebastian was undeterred.

“NO! FADDER! LISTEN TO ME!” keke was about to let loose on the child when Sebastian ranted as fast as his lungs could push the words out

“jensonBUTTON!!NicoAndKimiAndSaysFernandoKnowSomethingAndSawThemNotSoLongAgo!”

Niki’s head felt like it was spinning and James was taken back by how quickly the child could rant! Keke didn’t catch anything except for the names ‘Nico’ ‘Kimi’ ‘jenson’ and ‘Fernando’. Niki decided he’d better try and get some sense out of the child. He knelt down and took Sebastians hand.

“ok, now slowly say that again and I mean very slowly” Sebastian sucked in a breath and stared again. 

“Jenson button says Fernando saw Nico and kimi not so long ago and Fernando is at this hotel so jenson said ask him!” Sebastian inhaled another breath and Niki patted his shoulder as a ‘well done’ type gesture.

He stood and looked to James and winked “right anyone speak good Spanish?” . (James had been made to learn as a child and had used it mostly to impress Spanish girls)

Lauri sat and stayed silent, it seemed jenson didn’t know weather he should be on his merry way or stay and speak to lauri. In the end jenson’s parents called him away and lauri sat there by himself until he spotted a little boy around Sebastian’s age maybe younger wandering around looking very lost and fighting back tears. 

Lauri got up instantly and approached the distressed child. 

“are you lost? Where’s your mummy and daddy?” he knelt down so he wasn’t towering over the frightened kid. The little boy looked up at him with big blue eyes and mumbled something. Lauri then noticed he was wearing a Finland football shirt with no.77 on the back and the name ‘bottas’.

Lauri decided to switch languages assuming the child was Finnish. 

“im lauri what’s your name?” when the child heard the familiar tongue he seemed to warm to lauri.

“valterri, im lost are you finnish?” lauri nodded and took the boys hand.

“we will find your mummy and daddy, ok?” Just then Niki, James and keke appeared Sebastian sauntering up to lauri looking rather pleased with himself.

“I told them! they will find Nico now cause I told them!” lauri rolled his eyes. He didn’t really like Sebastian all that much. Niki was the only one who noticed lauri with the little boy and walked over.

“whos your friend lau?” the child looked up and seemed frightened when he saw Nikis face under his cap.

“this is valterri he’s lost his parents.” Lauri then turned to the little boy giving his hand a reassuring squeeze “its ok this is my isa he will help to, don’t be scarred” 

Niki crouched and with the Finnish he had picked up in order to communicate with his own two boys he spoke softly to the child who was smiling at him within a few fleeting moments like they had known each other for a long time. 

Niki took the boys other hand and they walked over to James and keke who where now at the reception desk. There was an older women chatting with them looking puzzled and explaining that company policy was that the hotel couldn’t give out room numbers for there guests. James was attempting to explain that they needed to urgently talk with the son of the Alonso’s , which seemed to make the women very concerned and she even threatened to phone the police claiming that James requests to speak with a youth at once and in private was cause for concern. 

Niki once again had to step in before James and keke made a huge mountain out of a mole hill. Still holding valterris hand, James having just noticed the child and giving him a look , which he ignored, he started to talk with the women behind the desk.

“look, our son kimi is missing and his son” he pointed at keke “Nico is also missing, they are the same age as young mister Alonso and he was the last person to see them . so we would very much like to know where his parents are so we can ask to talk to him. As you can imagine we are very distressed as our teenage sons are no where to be found! Now could you please let the Alonsos know that a mister hunt and mister lauda need to speak to them at once” 

Niki didn’t even allow her to interrupt and when he had finished she seemed to get the point and dialed the room for the Alonso’s.

She relayed his message then hung up saying “there on there way down now sir” he curtly replied “thank you” and turned to walk away leaving James and keke every so slightly stunned. 

James looked down and whispered “who’s the kid?” 

“his name is valterri and hes lost we will sort him out after we get hold of Alonso. I suspect his parents must be looking for him . Lauri found him” the little one looked up at James and James instantly smiled at him.

“why are all Finnish children so heartbreakingly adorable!” he said and Niki grinned shaking his head.

“James your such a sap!” Niki kissed his cheek and Sebastian made his usual disgusted face.

A tall, dark, tanned skined man approached niki and james . They all knew one another vaguely from the racetrack so formalities weren’t needed and mr Alonso spoke good enough English.

“whats the prolem mr hunt, mr lauda?” Niki spoke up before James could get into another mess trying to explain something simple using the most complex means necessary. Niki was sharp and to the point.

“Kimi and Nico are missing and Fernando was the last one to see them, can we talk with him please?” mr Alonso was more than understanding and fetched his son.  
Fernando approached Niki (who was in fact one of his hero’s) and shook his hand.

“hola Fernando , kimi and Nico are missing we haven’t seen them since the end of the race. We heard that you where the last to see them do you know where they are? And don’t cover for them if you do know because they are both in a lot of trouble”

Fernando received a warning look from his own father that was enough for him. But he had to take a moment to consider his story carefully. Nico still had leverage over him as far as mark was concerned.

“they ah, they come here I lend them some clothes I don’t know where they are now, I give them some money also. Sorry I didn’t think they was in trouble”

Niki didn’t get any vibes that Fernando was lying and James and keke also seemed to accept his explanation. It was, after all the truth and Fernando truly didn’t know where they had gone. It was only Fernando’s father that looked at him skeptically, he knew his son better than to assume Fernando had given out charity for no reason. Fernando didn’t just help people, not even his friends.

“Maybe we should call the police, this is ridiculous!” keke piped up growing more and more frustrated. 

“no need for that yet, we will find them. How far could they have gone? . its not like they have plans to run away together kimi isn’t that rash he will show when hes good and ready . And when he shows up Nico will show up also. Anyway Sebastian needs his bed and I have a stow away to deal with” Niki pointed at valterri who had stayed quiet throughout the whole ordeal and looking up at Niki with tired eyes. Sebastian was whining and pulling at keke clearly agitated and needing a good nights sleep.

“we cant just book in here without them! They could be out on the streets! Its freezing out there! What the hell where they thinking?” James looked pretty much at the end of his rope, Niki felt his pain. It seemed that kimi would always be a huge pain in the ass no matter what age he was. They just needed to accept it and take each thing he threw there way and deal with it as best they could. 

“They will be fine, I have a sneaky suspicion there will be a lot more to this little mishap than we are currently aware of” 

“how can you be so calm?!” keke was getting redder and redder and Niki had to resist the urge to laugh .

“its been fifteen years , I know my son. They are both fine trust me. James scarred them and they reacted by running off. They will show up. Just book rooms and ill take this one to the reception and see where his parents went. Lauri you go with James”

Lauri was about to protest when Niki made a stern face at him and he relented. James and keke reluctantly booked rooms.

At reception Niki learned that the Finnish couple whom valterri belonged to had gone out for the evening and it was assumed by hotel staff that the child was with them, however he clearly wasn’t and had been left alone in there suit by himself asleep . When he had woken up alone he had wandered out of the room in search of them.

The interesting part of the child’s explanation was when he told Niki that a Finnish boy with spikey blonde hair and ‘mean grey blue eyes’ had asked where he was going but he had run away from him. On further questioning valterri had said he seen the boy coming out of the rooms across the hall from his own .

Niki started to piece things together quickly. Somehow they had managed to get into a hotel room. The reception called the police instantly, 1 to locate valterris parents and 2 because it appeared two minors had taken up occupancy in the hotel OR they had Brocken into one of the rooms.

In the mean time Niki and two of the security personal had valterri take them to the room he saw the ‘mean eyed boy’ come out of. Niki could hear kimis distinctive laughter before security even burst the door in.


	52. friends don't do like that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is Nico showing a darker side to his personality? is fernando really a heartless young man? will kimi be in yet another bout of serious trouble?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter title is meant to read the way it does :P its not that i suddenly forgot good english ;) its the name of a Rasmus song . youtube the song if you like ;)

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter52.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter52eyes.png.html)

When the door swung open and Niki met kimis eyes he didn’t see guilt or remorse he saw complete fear, but when he met Nicos there was nothing. He didn’t even seem to react. Kimi jumped up off the bed he had been lounging on and looked like a deer caught in headlights. Nico remained sat on the edge of the bed and just starred blankly at Niki. The room was trashed . 

“Isa..” kimi stammered but Niki silenced him and moved aside as one of the security personnel grabbed kimi under the arm and marched him out of the room the other did the same with Nico who tried in vein to shrug him off. Kimi went quietly which Niki was instantly surprised at. 

Once in the lobby the police where waiting for them. Niki alerted James and keke and lauri was once again left with Sebastian and the added responsibility of valtteri.

The police had to tell keke that if he continued shouting and screaming at Nico they would remove him from the room. James just glared at kimi who couldn’t look at either of them straight in the eye.

The police decided to move the interrogation into one of the conference rooms, Niki saw panic flash in Nicos eyes as a young receptionist admitted she had seen him before and also admitted giving him the room.

Once in private, James Niki keke the boys and senior hotel staff as well as Fernando his parents and the young receptionist where all under scrutiny from the police.

The receptionist told her side of what happened looking incredibly guilty Nico sat in silence through the whole story, then Fernando gave his side (missing out the threat Nico had made about mark) Niki James and keke had to all reluctantly confess to the events at the race track and how the boys had ended up missing in the first place (James having caught them doing things they shouldn’t be) and then instantly they regretted being so honest.

Kimi came under immediate attack from the officers, as he must have appeared to look more like the ‘villain’ than Nico. They asked had he assaulted Nico , touched him indecently and was this all his idea. Kimi was terrified and he was not hiding it. Nico sat the whole time and didn’t speak up. Not even when all the blame was being placed on kimi.

Niki and James where silenced every time they attempted to defend there son and all eyes in the room where on them. Still Nico sat there dumb struck. Niki eventually lost it and yelled in the youngsters face, screaming, begging , pleading for him to say something. Nico sat there his mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. Even when the officers turned to question him he seemed unable or unwilling to speak up and admit his part in the mess or to defend kimi.

Then kimi pleaded, something James and Niki had never seen him do “please Nico, please say something! Tell them its not all my fault. Please, tell them I’m begging you!”

Keke patted Nicos back comfortingly “go on son tell them if kimi made you do it, don’t lie for him. Tell them if he did…things to you.” James had to be restrained at that point and Niki was pulled away as he tried to place a hand on kimis shoulder.

Nico looked at kimi and there was a pleading in his eyes, kimi saw that he was just as terrified and didn’t know what to do . He was conflicted and kimi saw that he was trying desperately to come up with something anything to get them out of this but he couldn’t. Kimi decided he might as well just end it for both of them.

“I did it. It was all me. I made him, I told him to lie about the room. I made him watch me …do things back in the garage. I told him if he didn’t do as I said id hurt him.” Niki and James nearly lost their lives right then and there.

“no kimi shut up! Its not true none of that’s true!” James yelled but kimi wasn’t listening anymore, white noise filling his ears his head pounding his hands sweating. The room spinning and the floor seaming to disappear beneath his feet.

Nico had started sobbing but still wasn’t speaking up and adding anything to the story. Niki watched helplessly as the officers placed cuffs on kimis hands. Just as they where about to pull him up from his chair a voice spoke out.

“Wait!” all eyes in the room turned to Fernando.

“im sorry papa.” He said to his father before addressing the rest of the room once more “I can’t let this injustice happen. He is also at blame! He is not innocent in this!” Fernando pointed at Nico “ he threatened me, and I helped him because I to, was scarred. Scarred of what my papa would think of me if he knew a secret I had. But your threat wont save you , you would let him take blame for all this and say nothing? No! He had the money he bribed the women, he was laughing and clutching at kimi, all over kimi! Kimi did not do this! He did not make him! Is all lies! Don’t take the fall for him! Don’t do it!”

Kimi looked at Fernando who had spoken out for him, who had spoken out against the injustice of what was happening and he saw his rival in a whole new light. One of the officers undid kimis cuffs and knelt on front of him staring him dead in the eye.

“right, the truth or we take you away and charge you for various offences one being a very serious charge of sexual assault on a minor. Your choice. Last chance”

Kimi was shaking out of the corner of his eyes he could see that Nico was a mess. In the end kimi couldn’t do it, he couldn’t take the fall as much as he felt he was in love with Nico . He had hurt his parents enough. He told the truth. That Nico and himself had done things together they shouldn’t have but that neither forced the other. He said he had stood back and watched Nico threaten Fernando , he explained about Fernando and mark. Fernando admitted to it and his fathers face promised that the young Spaniard would be getting punished, but Fernando seemed to accept this in favor of kimi not taking the fall. Kimi then told how he stood and watched as Nico gave a story to the receptionist. For the first time the police seemed to listen and with the receptionists story and kimis matching and Fernando on kimis side , focus shifted to Nico. 

After a long drawn out conversation with both boys in private the officers decided to serve kimi with a charge of exposing himself to a minor. He would serve no jail time in the youth penitentiary but would have a criminal record. Nico was also served with a more serious charge but because of his diagnosis of depression he to escaped any jail term and escaped with a criminal record also. 

The police served both with firm warnings and before Fernando’s father dragged the young Spaniard away to meet his own fate, Fernando shook kimis hand.

Keke left that night with Nico and Sebastian. Kimi made no attempt to say goodbye. Valterri was reunited with his parents and was the most relieved of all to finally be away from the situation.

James and Niki to kimis surprise where completely calm despite the ordeal and even stated how proud they where of him but equally how disappointed they would have been in him if he had lied and taken the heat for Nico. 

Back in the hotel room with lauri asleep the three sat out on the balcony in the crisp Norwegian night air.

“im sorry “ kimi had said breaking the silence.

“we know,” Niki replied softly “we just wish you’d stop doing stuff to be sorry for” James smiled at that statement from Niki, he shared the sentiment. 

“I think maybe I don’t want to see Nico again. Ever. He didn’t speak up for me…why?” kimi sounded almost heartbroken and Niki wasn’t sure he had the answers for his son.

“i don’t know buba, who knows why some people do the things they do. I think he was scarred as well. But I think your right its best you forget Nico now. Your not good for one another” kimi nodded looking on the verge of tears. He felt totally betrayed and let down and he had an awful ache in his chest that he had never felt before.

Niki and James watched as he stood and went inside in silence and curled up on the bed behind lauri burying his face in his brothers spikey hair at the back of his neck. Normally James and Niki would protest or chide him incase he disturbed his brother but they left him, snuggled up with the only comfort he had left.


	53. no time to burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after the hotel incident life moves swiftly.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter53.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter53lau.jpg.html)

Seasons rolled into one another, weeks turned to months, which turned to years. And eventually James and Niki had a seventeen and eighteen year old on there hands. Niki and James where preparing reluctantly to send there wayward teens off to there compulsory military service. 

Niki had started taking lauri and his ‘band’ away every summer to Vienna with him on his business trips whilst James meticulously worked with kimi on his racing. 

Sebastian had been left behind in the under sixteen’s championships a long time ago and kimi was now ready to move into formula 3 where he would be prepped for a career in formula 1. Lauri and the band had been offered a recording deal, new territory for James and Niki and they where still negotiating the terms. Everything seemed to spiral out of control in the household with one boy breaking into racing and the other the music industry.

Kimi also had a girlfriend (or many) as did lauri. And James had lost track of the number of teenagers passing in and out of there home. Niki had never enforced his rule on Lauri’s hair (which was still blonde and spikey) and now kimi had bright red hair, which was of course Lauri’s idea and had happened at a party when they had played truth or dare and kimi had stupidly picked dare. Needless to say Niki was not happy with his bathroom having turned strange shades of pink , red and violet after three failed attempts at making kimis hair red.

Since Norway kimi hadn’t been in any more trouble, well not really. Lauri however had been caught breaking into the school again on multiple occasions and had also gained a bad habit of burning things and had earned a criminal record for arson. Niki and James couldn’t deny that there lives where delightfully eventful.

Tapes had finally moved onto cd’s and the house was spilling over with them as kimi had developed his own taste in music and lauri seemed to listen to everything and anything. The boys had a new thing called a ‘laptop’ which Niki had no clue how to work and James seemed to ‘crash’ it every time he attempted to use it.

Phones where now portable and hands free, which made Nikis life so much easier with regards to the airline, now re branded ‘Fly niki’ instead of ‘lauda air’. James had made fun of the new name for weeks making lauri and kimis sides hurt.

He would say things like “if everyone gets to fly Niki doesn’t that mean your cheating on me?” Niki would swat him with the nearest rolled up paper.

Mika had moved back into his old home just down the path and past the woods, and kimi and lauri made frequent visits but usually avoided the place when Sebastian was there as keke and mika shared custody of him and mika had him a few weeks in the summer and sometimes at Christmas.

Last kimi heard of Nico he was karting with his team mate Lewis Hamilton and they where doing well and he had moved back to Monte Carlo in Monaco with his mother.  
Kimi was long over that, or so he believed. Occasionally a childhood photo from happier times would cause an uncomfortable pang in his chest but he let it go as quickly as it came. 

Eventually the day was upon them and the drive to the army camp was silent and tense. It had to be done but Niki greatly objected. The office they entered was small and suffocating and there was no time given for goodbyes as kimi was marched off and they where assured he would be ‘completely fine’ and come out a more ‘rounded disciplined individual’.

It was all bullshit to Niki , James viewing it as a good thing . A break from kimis wild friends , parties, girls and even racing. Time for the youngster to learn new skills and some self-control. 

Much to there surprise and delight, kimi thrived. His sargent reporting each month that there son was a born leader and others just seemed to naturally follow him. There was no reports of violence or fighting and physically kimi was also excelling. Worryingly however he was also one of the best at firing riffles and guns the Sargent stating that his aim was ‘spot on’. 

Niki was not amused when James started making jokes about kimi becoming a top assassin. They where delighted when he returned home. And even more elated that the army didn’t seem to have changed him one bit. That week he attended four welcome home parties and Niki found himself actually smiling to see kimi passed out half slumped over the dining room table one evening. Some things never changed. kimis only trauma from the experience was having to shave his head.

By the time Lauri’s military service came round when he turned 18 , kimi had provisionally signed with sauber to race in formula Renault before fast tracking to formula 1 with the sauber red bull potronas team. if he completed over twenty wins. James and niki where naturally elated, and the press where having a field day.

Lauri protested from the beginning about the army, he had to be held down to have his he shaved. He fought with everyone, didn’t take part in activities, spent most of his time in solitary confinement and just when things couldn’t get any worse he burned down one of the barracks by accident panicked and had escaped the camp only to be caught by police and charged with attempted vandalism (which had gone pretty horribly wrong) the Finnish legal system was lenient but the police suggested lauri did a jail term and Niki and James reluctantly agreed. 

As usual the reckless actions of there children landed them in the media spotlight for a very different reason and Niki had to do some damage control. He was furious that lauri had over shadowed kimi’s achievements and hadn’t visited him , neither did James. 

When lauri emerged from jail he never came home opting instead to move in with the band in a cramped one-bedroom apartment in Helsinki. He claimed he was greatly unhappy and life with the family didn’t suit him anymore. The band signed their record deal without any advice from any of there parents. 

Kimi completed his stint of races with 23 wins and was snapped up by the young formula 1 team as there no2 driver with a youngster called juan Pablo Montoya. The last they saw lauri he was getting on a train to Sweden to negotiate an album deal , he hadn’t even wave at them as he walked past. Kimi had ran after that train screaming his brothers name the pain of that loss was to much for kimi and he to left home also. First to London with the help of the team but Eventually Kimi moved off to Switzerland to be in a central position within Europe, he was offered Monaco but for obvious reasons he had declined. for the first time in almost twenty years Niki and James where alone.


	54. A fathers wisdom a Brothers gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kimi is off on his own for the first time without his family , in bad need of some guidance and direction he receives a phone call then sees the one man he wished he was sharing his new life with.
> 
> f-f-f- falling by the rasmus - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcB0LNrMFW4

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter54niki.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter54.png.html)

Switzerland was warm , it was friendly , it was calm, but it wasn’t home. Kimi bit back his trepidation as he was shown round his new apartment. When he was left to ‘make himself at home’ he had an overwhelming urge to call his fathers and plead to come back to Finland saying ‘I can’t do it! im not ready!’ but he didn’t call. His eyes darting over to the receiver then back to his hands shaking in his lap. Why where they shaking? What was wrong with him? This was an amassing opportunity!

He was the tender age of 21 and had won 23 races, however there was already heavy opposition to his signing, FIA the governing body of F1 objecting strongly to him. Claiming he was inexperienced and a hazard. However with the names Lauda and hunt attached to his forms he was, to all others a ‘rising star’ . 

He was nervous, afraid and incredibly lonely. The flat was huge, everything was white and crisp and clean . Minimalist décor with flashy black marble appliances and cold hard wood floors. Everything new, nothing homely , nothing warm.  
No James lounging in his worn old arm chair by the fire watching tv , no niki clattering in the kitchen making dinner , and no soft sounds of piano melodies or guitar string filling the silence as his brother played softly into the evening, lullaby’s and strange choruses that kimi had come to know and love and hummed off by heart. 

The hardest part of his new life was knowing that lauri was off living a different one, and had left him behind to do it. He had walked away, and where as kimi would have brought him to Switzerland and shared his life with him there was no place for kimi in lauri’s ‘new world’. 

Kimi didn’t even know where lauri was, neither did Niki or James. It was a sad way to go off and start your career. As he sat in silence the minutes seemed to tick by like hours. 

Eventually he had drifted off to sleep woken by the shrill ringing of the phone. He stumbled of the couch hitting his foot of the edge and yelping in pain grasping the receiver and saying rather angrily 

“moy?!” there was soft familiar laughter on the other end of the line and kimi felt himself grinning.

“did I wake you buba?” it was Niki, kimi was so pleased he felt like dancing round the apartment but didn’t for fear someone might have rigged the place with cameras.

“Isa im so happy to hear your voice!” Niki laughed some more.

“I spoke to you the day before yesterday! Are you missing me that much? How’s the new apartment? Me and your Isa James thought it was a good area for you, private and secluded . The paps should leave you alone there and its new!”

Kimi smiled and sat back onto the couch just listening to the familiar rise and fall of Niki’s Austrian accent, it was like a comforting lullaby easing him out of his tensions and relaxing him.

“I like it” kimi replied , niki tutted on the other end, he knew kimi to well.

“you like it, but? Lemmi guess …its ‘to new’ for you? To empty? Not enough of Finland? Not enough of home?” kimi nodded and closed his eyes even though Niki couldn’t see him.

“it’s alright kimi. New and empty can become familiar and fulfilled. Start with a blank canvas and build on it. A fresh start, add whatever colors you like. Throw everything into the mix. Do you understand?” kimi nodded again, feeling his eyes grow moist.

“isa?” kimi said softly

“Yes son?” niki replied.

“I love you ok. And Isa James to. I know hes on business. I hope your ok in Vienna alone. I worry about you both now. I worry about…” kimi didn’t finish his sentence but Niki knew what was playing on his mind.

“lauri will be ok kimi. He’s off creating himself , I always said that you don’t venture out into the world to ‘find yourself’ you where never lost in the first place. Go forth like he has and create the man you want to be. And as for us, were old men now don’t worry your young handsome head over it, we are fine and still argue like old fish wives, and son you know we love and adore you always. We couldn’t be prouder of the young man your growing into”

Kimi held the receiver close and his breath shuddered as he said “goodnight Isa” he heard Niki’s soft breath breaking a little when he replied 

“Goodnight iceman, sweet dreams kimster” the end of the line went dead but kimi kept the receiver close to his ear. And muttered

“I miss you” into the silence. 

He spent the evening flicking through the cable tv stations, everything seemed to be in a different language none of which he understood and he longed for rubbish Finnish comedy shows and sitcoms and over the top American cartoons and talk shows, he hit the music channels and passed one which flashed a familiar silhouette he quickly flicked it back and leaned foreword.

On the bottom left hand corner of the screen the name ‘the rasmus’ was written and directly under it ‘first single – F-F-F –Falling’ . Kimi’s jaw fell open and the video started to play, a bunch of teens getting drunk and having a blast with cut away shots of the band playing in-between . lauris face had almost completly changed , he’d lost all his ‘baby fat’ on his cheeks and his eyes where set under a stern brow . His hair was shorter and platinum blonde still wild and spikey and he had biceps kimi himself was jealous of. His skin was sun kissed , no longer pale he was still wearing his usual white vest tos and baggy jeans but he suddenly looked like he had grown into his clothing, he was muscular all over like he had swapped ‘skinny and boney ‘ for ‘athletic and toned’ He now looked older than kimi and although the tv images might be slightly distorted kimi thought that he also looked a little taller. 

The song was fast paced with an up beat party air to it . it sounded like a summer anthem and lauri was obviously having a blast in the video. Suddenly kimi wasn’t feeling so bad for his brother, Niki was right , lauri had gone off to create something and kimi had to do the same. And if there paths crossed again then so be it, if not kimi would always love and admire the man and would always be proud to have had those years where he could call him his brother and no one could take that from him. 

 

When the video ended and the next band came on kimi clicked of the tv. "i miss you to" he said to the black screen. He would let Niki know that lauri was ok , obviously had been successful in Sweden and looked ‘damn good’ , the next time they spoke. He planned on buying that single and playing it in his car as loud as the speakers would let him, speeding through the rolling hills of Switzerland.


	55. going under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico has a little incident at his pool and maybe swallows to much chlorine...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter55.jpg.html)

It was a heat wave in Monte Carlo and Nico was relaxing by his pool with Lewis, who was visiting him from England. The two had an ok relationship, it was mostly competitive and they argued like cat and dog. But they also managed to settle there differences long enough to have pizza eating contests , trash hotel rooms together (for which sina would send keke the bill) and have friendly wrestling matches.

However Nico had left his youth long behind him, and now Lewis was just a friend to have an occasional beer with once in awhile or race with (after all they where still team mates in their karting team) . Neither had made it to formula 1 yet and they where getting older to old really to be karting not even fomula 2 or 3 had made them offers, there futures didn’t look very hopeful. 

Lewis was lounging on one of the sun beds by the pool side with a beer in one hand and a newspaper in the other. Nico was sat by the pool edge legs submerged in the cool water the sun beating down on his caramel skin and long swept back blonde locks sticking to his neck. Lewis had taken to calling him ‘ princess’ Nico hated that but Lewis exclaimed it was because he was so spoilt and prim and proper and well groomed and feminine. Nico felt insulted but had to put up with it. English humor mostly went over his head but he quickly realized most of it revolved around friendly insults. 

“hey princess!’ here we go, Nico thought turning to acknowledge his ‘friend’.

“what?” he barked back.

“keep your tiara on Nico! Look at this” Lewis turned the paper round and Nicos breath momentarily caught in his throat. He’d know those eyes anywhere even after years of not seeing that boy. Kimi. 

The headline read “hunt Lauda prodigy signs for sauber aged 21!”. Nicos emotions came in waves. Hurt, anger, jealousy, admiration, sadness..

Lewis fanned him with the news paper “earth to Rosberg? Hello!!” Nico shook his head and looked away.

“Why should I care? I don’t care” he blurted out quickly. Lewis smirked at the back of his head, Nico could almost feel it.

“suuurrreee you don’t. Well I care! That arse hole beat us into formula 1? How the fuck did he manage that? ill tell you how , his big shot racing legend parents. Ok lauda maybe, I’d never argue that he is a legend. But hunt? Hunt only got that championship because Lauda crashed ! hes just famous cause he slept with like …the entirety of the female population! What’s to bet this Raikkonen is the same way, you knew him was he a complete player? Chip off the ole block? Owe wait he couldn’t be could he? Hes adopted! Hahahha!”

Nico felt his blood boiling in his veins, his cheeks where getting hotter by the second and he gripped the pool edge so hard his knuckles turned white. He was ready to swing for Lewis. Instead he opted for jumping into the pool, in the hopes he would cool off. He stood and dived in causing a surge of water to rise over the edge and soak Lewis. He could hear the muffled complaints from below the surface of the water. He let himself become as heavy as possible closed his eyes and willed himself to just sink down deeper.

The water surged into his ears and there was the distorted sounds of the ripples above him hitting the edges of the pool. The chlorine filled his lungs and went into his nose making it harder and harder to breath. He held on, as if testing himself, how long could he hold it? The bubbles rising from his nostrils fascinated him. He refused to surface; he felt the water slowly invading his body suffocating him. It was like a trance, he couldn’t break. He opened and closed his eyes slowly and could see a small hand and a head of black hair drifting in the water the hair dancing with the movement of the soft ripples, there was set of deep green eyes. The muffled sound of someone screaming in the distance, then another small body breaching the water . Platinum blonde hair, blue eyes…. the small black haired one reached for him in the distance somewhere far away he heard “NICO!!!” 

When he breached the water he was chocking and spluttering his head rolling back meeting slippery wet flesh. Lewis arms where round his waist and he was compressing his chest.

“Breath ! Spit out the water and breath! Breath Nico!” Nico spat up mouthfuls of water, his hair firmly stuck to his forehead, eyes and neck. He went limp in Lewis arms panting gasping for air. Lewis held him steady and stopped compressing his chest.

“What the fuck man! Did you hit your head on that dive? What happened?!”

Nicos head fell back against his shoulder the sunlight hitting his eyes, which where stinging like mad from the chlorine.

“it feels nice…drowning” Nico mumbled then passed out. 

Nico came round to choruses of questions like “what was he playing at!” “Was he insane?” etc etc his mother was pretty distraught and Lewis parents where concerned , Lewis was frantic. Nico did not see what all the fuss was about.

Doctor’s exclaimed he was fine but had inhaled a little to much chlorine. 

Lewis didn’t leave him alone all evening. 

“What happened man? Why didn’t you surface?” Nico was trying so hard to play it off.

“Like I told everyone else a million times! I mis judged it and hurt my ankle it was so sore I musta passed out” Lewis raised an eyebrow at that clearly not buying it.

“your ankle was fine Nico, everyone including the doctor knew you where lying”

Nicos shoulder slumped in defeat “so what if I was lying? What do you want me to say Lewis?”

Lewis glared at him and grabbed him by the arm “ you said after you surfaced ‘it feels nice drowning’ how about you explain that to me” Nico couldn’t meet his friends gaze. He hadn’t planned it , once he was in the water he just felt this sudden pull an urge to just slip away and it had felt good…for a moment.  
Nico sank down onto his bed and Lewis released his arm but remained standing hovering over him like some looming threat.

“I don’t know ok…I dived in and I just didn’t feel like surfacing. Maybe it was that thing about kimi you showed me , or that you started mocking him saying he must have been like James…maybe it was none of that. I nearly drowned when I was a kid you know…” Lewis sat next to his friend as he spoke , he watched Nico stare transfixed straight ahead at the wall opposite as if he was seeing something Lewis couldn’t see ….

“it was cold and we had run away , me and him. Kimi and I. I don’t remember why…I think someone was fighting. We where scared. Well I was. He held my hand, pulled me along encouraged me. When we reached the lake he walked out to show me it was safe, I followed . It all happened so fast , the ice fell away the freezing water hit my face I couldn’t breath I couldn’t think. He was screaming, it felt as if a thousand needles had stabbed me everywhere I couldn’t move my arms I was frozen. Then this set of eyes appeared like some kind of eerie monster from the deep kimi dived in and I could see him struggling and I wanted to yell “get out you idiot! You’ll die!” then the strange black haired green eyed thing puled me free after it everything went black…” 

Lewis felt incredibly uneasy as his friend spoke. Despite the temperature outside and the warm air drifting in he window his whole body had frozen the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck standing on end. Then Nico seemed to snap out of his trance and there eyes met.

“Sorry I don’t know why I even told you that…” Nico watched Lewis relax a little 

“I guess it’s just been a weird day…sorry if I offended you with anything I said about him. I don’t really like the guy but I know you ..where friends?”

Nicos smile was distant like he was remembering again “yeah…we where friends. Once, but I did something awful . I can’t tell you but ..now, now he wouldn’t even look in my direction . And his brother , his brother was a little black haired green eyed kid, he’s the one that saved me from the lake. Funny how the papers only mention the three of them …I wonder what happened that strange boy…in my dreams sometimes I see his eyes and kimi’s…” 

Lewis felt the uneasiness slip back into the room.


	56. No place like home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki and James contemplate there new lonesome lifestyles meanwhile lauri is throwing up in a dirty venue toilet contemplating what the hell he is doing with his life.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter56.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter562.jpg.html)

When Niki arrived through the door he was exhausted, he dropped his brief case and bag and headed straight for the bedroom not knowing James was also home. James having heard the door slam shut and the labored thudding of Niki trudging upstairs instantly sprung our of his char.

They hadn’t seen one another for a few weeks. James stood at the base of the stairs and waited for everything to go quite. When he figured Niki had fallen asleep he slowly made his way to the bedroom. 

And There he was, on his side fast asleep hat forgotten on the nightstand. He had gotten slimmer and every time James saw him he seemed to have less hair and what was left of it was starting to go gray at the back he looked sickly but James knew it wasn’t ill health . Niki was just getting older and was so busy he neglected to eat most of the time. No matter, James thought to himself, he’s home now, ill take care of him.

James crawled into bed behind him the bed dipping beneath his weight and creaking, he tried to be a gentle as possible but Niki was a light sleeper and he stirred.

“James?...” he said groggily lifting his head to look behind him “your home?...”

James kissed his shoulder and breathed in his familiar scent “shhh, go to sleep. Sorry I disturbed you. You must be tired”

niki yawned and stretched then turned so he was on his back looking up at James  
“Well I am awake now, I can sleep later. I spoke with kimi when I was in Vienna”

James perked himself up on his elbow and gazed down at Niki “I didn’t want to seem like I was checking up on him so I didn’t call….how is the squirt? Did he like the apartment?”

Niki nodded absently “hmmm, I think he felt it was a little to…. not like home. But he will make it home soon enough! …He seemed…unsure even a little scarred. He also misses his brother. James I feel awful , I can’t stop thinking about everything. Kimi all alone in a strange country with strange people having to take orders and be a ‘team’ player …I don’t think he’s ready. And lauri…we don’t even know where our own son is James! He could be anywhere! What if he needed us? “

James wasn’t expecting Niki to come home with all these emotions , emotions James was also wrestling with. 

Past Niki on the nightstand out of the corner of his eye james could make out a photograph. 

It was the four of them, in much happier, simpler times when both boys where young. James and Niki where sat on there garden fence kimi was between them smiling with a hand on Nikis and a hand on James , lauri was on niki’s knee also smiling and Niki was kissing his soft black hair James was looking at him adoringly. Ronnie had taken the picture.  
James looked back at down at Niki who was staring up at him expectantly

“We did our best by both of them. Its there lives, they have to go and live them and if they need us? They know where to find us. They are smart kids they both know how to find there way back home”

Niki smiled sadly “were getting old hunt. I feel old, I look old. You look great!”  
James laughed at that.

“aww ratty, jealous of my good looks as always” Niki punched him in the arm.

“And still so violent!” James reached down and kissed him, slowly at first then with more force until Niki just went limp beneath him.

In some dingy venue in Stockholm lauri was throwing up into a filthy grungy toilet. The parties had been non stop, and he was drinking his own weight in sprits. Before and after every show there was hoards of alcohol and lauri just let loose . He had been in fights, overturned tables in bars, gotten chucked out from almost everywhere and had sex with countless girls, sometimes one after the other. 

The initial high was now subsiding and he felt awful. Eero the sober member of the band and seemingly the only one with any sense was staring at him pitifully. Aki his fellow partner in crime was passed out in the next cubicle and Pauli was sitting under the sinks taking to tim ‘his imaginary friend’ they all figured Pauli had dabbled in a little more than just alcohol.

“At this rate this band will be over before it even starts!” Eero exclaimed totally un amused by his fellow band mates actions.

“shut..up…asshole” lauri said weekly between wrenches. There was nothing left in his stomach but acid, he was pretty sure he had thrown everything up . Yet his gag reflex was still attempting to make him throw up more. Each time his stomach muscles clenched and he felt nauseous. He was sure he had alcohol poisoning but he hated hospitals so refused to go.

“tim says eero sucks dick!” Pauli giggled like a mad man from under the sink and Eero shot him a rather concerned gaze.

“Lauri I think pauli is on drugs….” Lauri lifted his head from the toilet and looked over watching there guitarist laugh in hysteria, he looked to Eero with a raised eyebrow.

“Maybe you should hit him with something?” lauri stated plainly. Eero shrugged walked over grabbed Pauli’s hair and forced his head against the drain pipe under the sinks. It appeared to work and Pauli lost consciousness. Lauri looked over shocked at their calm collected completely chilled out Buda worshiping base player.

“you know eero…you scare me sometimes man” Eero shrugged and turned his attention to aki there drummer who was beginning to stir .

“ugh, im never drinking again…what the fuck is that smell! Ow my god! Eeeeww” aki forced himself away from the toilet he had been slumped over as if it had just electrocuted him.

“Your probably smelling yourself dumbass, you’ve hurled all over the place! And its all down your clothes! at least lauri made it to the toilet in time!” aki looked down at himself and grimaced.

“ow fuck, great, perfect ,just fucking perfect!” Aki threw his hands in the air and walked over to the sink running some cold water then bent down noticing Pauli slumped against the piping. He looked back to Eero and lauri and pointed at Pauli’s head

“What happened him?” lauri turned back to the toilet and wretched again.

“He had an argument with the pipes and the pipes won” Eero stated , lauri laughed and instantly regretted it as a sharp pain shot up his side.

The pain surged and he had a strange flashback …

He was hunched over the toilet bowl tears streaming down his eyes. Niki was rubbing soothing circles into his back; James held his hand and kimi came trudging into the bathroom with a glass of water sloshing it everywhere in his hurry to give it to Niki.

Niki gently placed the cool glass to his lips and lauri took a sip, his stomach hurt and he threw up some more. James caressed his sweat soaked black hair and Niki continued to pat his back.

Later Niki had carried him to bed and tucked him. Sitting next to him and pulling him close, James sat at the foot of his bed with kimi on his knee and Niki read to them. stories of great all father odin and his son thor the goddess freya the trickster loki the beats fenrir yormangandir and surtire. The gods of the Norsemen the ancestors of kimi and himself. Niki’s voice filed the silence soothing him, he felt safe and loved and cared for. 

All to quickly His childhood bedroom disappeared as if in a puff of smoke and he was back in the filthy grubby toilet cubicle wrenching wishing his fathers where there to chase away the pain and his brother was around to fetch him a glass of water and stay with him till the sickness passed.


	57. whats the worst that could happen?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It just seems like nothing is going right for kimi ....

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter57.png.html)

Kimis first test for his new team did not go well. There was a problem with the breaking system ,4 laps round the training circuit and there was an almighty crunch and he lost the back end of the car causing a spin and a lock up on his right front tire . He panicked and had put the car into the wall. The faces of the engineers where frightening when he made his way past them , each one drawing daggers at the back of his head . His team mate Juan Pablo did substantially better.

Kimi didn’t stay for the briefing after the test and instead disappeared with out word back to his apartment to sulk. it was awful , in fact it couldn’t have been worse! And the press would have a field day. That was the least of his worries when he heard the phone ringing and knew it would be an overly concerned James hunt or Niki Lauda OR both. He didn’t answer grabbed his keys and went out.

He walk with no particular destination out of his apartment complex and along the narrow country roads past the rolling hills and fields. Only the occasional car past and the nearest town was four miles away. 

When he hit the town he was mildly sweaty from the summer heat and headed straight for a vending machine, a poster on the side caught his eyes. It was a list of bands playing a festival in Germany. The rasmus was on the list the date was the same date as kimis first formula 1 race. His heart sank a little, so he needn’t expect lauri to be there. In his heart he knew lauri wouldn’t come he probably didn’t even know the date or that kimi had signed with sauber or that kimi now lived in Switzerland. He doubted his highflying rock star brother even remembered his name. 

Kimi continued walking until he hit the local record store. He browsed the isles looking up and down and right to left , he couldn’t see what he was looking for. Then he noticed a kid holding a cd with lauri and the rest of the band on the front. Kimi didn’t want to speak to the kid, but he did want to find the cd. He had a dilemma, on further inspection he realized he had seen the kid before. Around 5 years ago in that hotel after that kart race …

His train of thought was interrupted when the kid spotted him and his eyes went wide then he exclaimed rather excitedly.

“kimi raikkonen!” kimi stood awkwardly and attempted to smile.

“you just signed with sauber right? I wanna be a driver to! I met you once…but you where scary… I met your dads to!” kimi smiled genuinely at that and shook the kids hand.

“what’s your name?” he asked politely.

“valtteri bottas, look” valtteri held up the cd in his hand “I like your brothers band, there really popular everywhere! Especially Finland! You and him must feel so cool! Bet you go to loads of parties together!” kimi shrugged scuffing his foot on the tiled floor.

“ugh, not so much…he’s busy, I’m busy. Anyway! Nice to see you again and hope to race you someday!” he missed the look of utter adoration that filled the youngsters eyes after he had said the last part. Luckily he had got a good look at the cd cover and instantly spotted it at no1 in the European chart section. One copy left, he snatched it.

It was called ‘playboys’, kimi grinned. As he walked back to his apartment he read the set list and examined the booklet inside. Each member had a page of their own and a small paragraph thanking this person or that person. 

Lauri had one line, which simply read 

“Until we meet again, thank you for guiding me along part of my path”

It was cryptic but it gave kimi so much hope, hope that indeed they would meet again.

He shoved the cd in his brand new player by the couch and let it play turning it up as loud as he could. It was phenomenal; kimi even remembered some of the melodies from when lauri would jam in his room. It was bouncy, crazy and totally rock. He loved it. The incident with the car long forgotten kimi bounced about the apartment, even indulging in a bit of air guitar. He even took the record for that spin in his car, blasting it ridiculously load.

The next morning he was ready to try again, his spirit un Brocken . There was another break problem but with nerves of steal and quick reflexes kimi corrected the car and nursed it back to the pits in one piece. This time he had clocked in 34 laps and his fastest time rivaled that of the front of the grid, he was quick, very quick. The team was actually happy with him and the after race briefing was enjoyable enough for kimi to sit through the first fifteen minutes before he excused himself to the bathroom and failed to return.

As he exited the track another team was pulling in ready to set up there testing for the evening he instantly recognized one of the young drivers. He stood and observed them all clambering to get things organized and the youth just standing there bold as brass, completely chilled out. Then there eyes met and the familiar figure approached .

“hola raikkonen! Haha!” Fernando grabbed him and pulled him into a hug kimi tentatively patted his back going ridged at the unwelcome contact.

“uh..hi Fernando” he mumbled , a lanky young Australian appeared followed by a handsome brit, kimi knew them to. Mark Webber and jenson button. The dynamic trio of young bloods that the press loved, especially jenson.

“gi day mate!” mark beamed “evening kimi!” jenson added very politely.

“hi” he muttered back mark laughed allowed and patted his back.

“c’mon guys he looks like he doesn’t wanna socialize!” jenson winked at mark and they laughed, only Fernando seemed to disapprove of the joking .

“hey , hey! That’s no very nice boys! Kimi you wanna join us for a drink?” Marks face fell instantly he obviously didn’t want kimi around. Kimi was going to decline, but the satisfaction of irking jenson and mark was to tempting.

“one then I gotta go” kimi exclaimed and Fernando genuinely smiled at him.

“After testing see you at the town at the station! Be there!” 

Without another word the three jogged off to their respective teams. Kimi wasn’t so sure he had made the right decision. It was only one drink after all, what’s the worst that could happen?


	58. making enemies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi comes face to face with the one man capable of bringing his world crashing down around him.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter58.jpg.html)

Kimi reluctantly dragged himself to the station and waited. Obviously he hadn’t been given a time, so he had no idea when or even if he should expect them to show up. Just when he had a sudden feeling of relief, that they might not. He spotted Fernando in the distance. Dressed to kill with well styled hair, obviously that’s what had taken so long. Him and jenson needed to make themselves as utterly irresistible as possible. Kimi scoffed and smirked knowingly before Fernando even reached him.

“kimi! You show up? Hahah!” kimi was slightly annoyed by Fernando’s bad English and awful accent but he feigned a smile and nodded. Mark appeared moments latter and kimi had to wonder who exactly jenson was trying to impress as clearly Fernando was aiming to keep marks eyes firmly on him. 

Jenson moved to stand next to kimi and nudged him playfully. Kimi wasn’t amused and stiffened. Jenson was tall, handsome, in fact he was stunning but kimi was not interested. He had put his little crush on Nico long behind him and had firmly convinced himself that he liked girls and that was that, jenson wasn’t in with a chance.

“Well boys lets go! The night is young!” mark bellowed and Fernando winked at him. They walked along in pairs mark and Fernando stuck together like some invisible force forbade them from walking without touching. In contrast kimi had put and area akin to the continent of Europe between him and jenson. 

Mark and Fernando chatted and laughed, kimi remained completely silent and jenson would occasionally stare at him like he had three heads. Finally they reached a club. None of them where questioned at the door and it seemed jenson was a regular managing to get them straight into the v.i.p suit. 

It was Smokey inside and the lights where a luminous blue and there was also those annoying flashing lights which hurt kimis eyes, the music was the usual house beats which kimi hated. There was an array of bodies moving in time with the music, all attractive young females and males . Kimi preferred bad karaoke and live music bars or house parties or even a rock club, this wasn’t his scene and instantly he wanted to bail on the three and leave.

Mark had already jammed him into a corner at one of the tables and he couldn’t make an escape. Fernando didn’t ask what any of them where drinking and returned to the table with a massive pitcher of some strange alcohol mix and glasses. Kimi downed two whole pints of the stuff within minutes to cure his uneasiness the other three sipping there’s causally had gone wide eyed as they watched him.

“Steady on kimi! You’ll be blitzed in like half an hour!” jenson had whined, kimi laughed obviously they where a bunch of light weights.

To emphasize just how hard a drinker he was kimi downed another pint and saluted them with the empty glass smiling. Fernando giggled, kimi probably disliked him the least of the three.   
Conversation once again flowed between mark and Fernando and the more Fernando drank the less he cared who might see him, leaning foreword into mark and craning his head making loving eyes at him, kimi was starting to feel a bit sick but it wasn’t the alcohol. Jenson occasionally interrupted so he could be included as kimi obviously wasn’t good company and was even less of a conversational companion.

Kimi nursed his fifth pint of the horribly sweet pitcher squashed miserably in the corner and glanced round the club, a girl caught his eye on the lower level, she glanced back for a moment but instantly looked away seeming to blush. When she looked up again he made sure he was still starring and this time he smiled a little , she smiled back and his stomach fluttered. Then another female blocked his view, obviously a friend of his current interest. He stood and barged past mark without making an excuse and took the stairs to the lower level two at a time. 

When he reached the dance floor he made his way to the corner by the bar where he had been able to see her from the balcony above. She was no longer there. He ordered a beer and sat at the bar looking round, there she was! At a table in the corner under the stairs and she had seen him. His mouth went dry and he felt his palms sweating slightly as she approached. She was wearing a low cut red flamingo type dress with a simple necklace of silver, her hair puled back from her face on one side and swept over her shoulder on the other side, she had silky brown hair and blue eyes, and now she was standing next to his stool and he was gazing up at her.

“you gonna stare or buy me a drink?” confident, yes he liked her a lot. The bar man approached as if on queue and kimi simply said 

“Whatever the lady wants” as soon as he spoke her interest seemed to peek more, she smiled intently at him.

“A Finnish lad, what are you doing in Switzerland? Business or pleasure?” kimi winked and didn’t answer instead taking a long drag of his beer.

She had ordered a martini and raised her glass to him he raised his back and they took a drink. For the rest of the evening she hung on his every (few) words and occasionally laughed shaking her hair out of her face seductively and leaning into him, he of course was getting drunker and drunker and eventually had her on his knee with his hand between her legs under her dress caressing her thigh and kissing her so hard he knew her lips would be swollen and bruised. 

He didn’t even notice the pair of eyes watching him from across the room by the stairs. A shadowy figure stood eyes fixed on kimi , eventually over the girls shoulder kimi saw him and they locked gazes. Instantly kimi knew him but couldn’t place him. He was wearing a dark black baseball cap and had black rimmed expensive looking glasses blue eyes and a strong jaw. 

Kimi’s attention left the girl in his lap. She noticed and in her drunken state tried to arouse him further by slipping her hand past the waist line of his jeans. He moved her hand away kissed her neck and moved her off him walking away from her towards the dark figure in the corner. As he approached the man folded his arms over his chest defensively.

“its rude to stare” kimi remarked his voice low and challenging. The man looked him up and down with an expression of disgust. 

“who the fuck are you?!” kimi grabbed him by the shirt and yanked him foreword off the wall he was leaning on, the man dropped his arms and pushed his chest out gritting his teeth he hissed 

“I’d let go if I where you” just as kimi was about to retaliate, he remembered. The cd cover for the rasmus, this guy was on it, the video kimi had seen on tv…it was the drummer! Lauri’s friend from school who he had disappeared with as a kid and had Niki and James distraught. Kimis grip loosened.

“I know you” he slurred. The man scoffed .

“I know you to, and your disgusting. I am so glad your brother cant see you now. Mind you he isn’t much better, falling over toilets and girls , he drinks like a fucking fish! I blame you and that idiot father you both had . Fucking arseholes both of you, you ruined that kid. He could have been so much more…. you fucked him up ”

Kimi was incredibly drunk and he couldn’t make any sense of what was being said all he could register was that maybe lauri was in some kind of trouble.

“Where is he?” The stranger pushed kimi backwards out of his space and went to walk away, kimi grabbed his arm and pulled him back the guys fist collided with his jaw.

kimi swung back instinctively and within seconds they where on the floor wrestling to the screams of surrounding girls. Fernando and mark saw the commotion from the balcony and raced down the stairs kimi was on top of the other guy punching him over and over Fernando mark and two other men had to haul kimi off . The guy was battered and bloody and could barely stand up when he got to his feet he stood shaky and starred straight at kimi whose chest was heaving his expression murderous.

“ill send lauri your best shall I?” he smirked through blood stained teeth and walked away. Kimi tried to break free from the four men retraining him but he couldn’t.

Luckily the police weren’t called and Fernando got kimi back to his apartment complex ditching mark and jenson at their city hotel.

Outside kimis door Fernando grabbed him gently and turned him round to face him by the shoulders pushing him against the wall.

“Are you ok?’” he asked genuinely concerned.

Kimi hung his head, his left eye and cheek bruised his neck marked by the girls nails. And he knew his ribs and chest where also bruised he even had a suspicion he may have fractured something. He didn’t care the pain was dulled by the alcohol still coursing through him.

Fernando tilted his head up, but kimi eyes couldn’t focus. The Spaniard was gazing at him with deep concern.

Fernando fumbled in kimis pockets for his keys and let them into kimis apartment. He left kimi on the couch and made coffee for them both.   
As he placed a mug on front of kimi he noticed a cd on the glass coffee table. He glanced at the cover, he recognized kimis brother , had seen him many times before at the karting track and there on his right hand side stood the man from that evening at the club

Kimi mumbled behind him, Fernando turned to look at him and said “what? You say something amigo?”

“aki hakala” kimi repeated starring off into nothing.


	59. Now he belongs to someone else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauri sees his brother in another light and kimi ends up alone with one of his biggest rivals.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/4858c2e7-1e8e-4029-9e05-483b825386ff.png.html)

Aki limped into the parking lot towards the tour bus. Lauri could see him from the window clutching his side, blood smeared all over his face and neck, his glasses and hat where gone. Lauri leapt from his bunk and ran like a bat from hell out of the automatic bus doors almost breaking them. He darted towards the wounded drummer and grabbed him to steady him as he began to trip and fall towards the tarmac.

“aki?!” he screeched in horror. Aki’s heavy exhausted body fell limp in his arms and he went down with him clutching him, fresh blood spouted from a gash on his forehead and was staining Lauri’s white vest top. He hauled aki back to his feet and half walked, half dragged him to the tour bus where Eero was now standing watching them in shock, Pauli was passed out somewhere at the back of the bus so he was useless.

Eero helped lauri haul aki onto the bus a dropped him down in the seating area at the front. Eero got a cold compress and put pressure on the wound on his forehead , lauri sat by him clutching his hand and rubbing his forearm comfortingly. There was so much blood…it looked like a massacre and the whole side of his face was bruised his lip was burst and his teeth where smeared with dried blood he could barely see out of one eye which was various shades of blue and black and he was clutching his side making pained noises.

Eero lifted his shirt and the skin on his abdomen was an angry green pink purple and grey color the bruise forming covered a substantial mass of skin and lauri was horrified.

“What happened aki? Fucking hell!!!” aki tried to shake his head but couldn’t.

“cant tell, don’t matter now anyway” he muttered hoarsely , Eero looked down at him bemused. Lauri looked guilty.

Aki turned his attention to Eero “he’s leaving us, hes going back to those arseholes who ignored him all his fucking life! Guess hes sick of us!” aki muttered spluttering blood as he spoke. 

“Fuck off aki! I told you I was telling them in my own time!” lauri shot off the couch next to his injured friend and made fists with his hands. Eero was now utterly confused.

“Did you two fight? did you do this to him lauri?!” lauri rolled his eyes.

“No! You fucking idiot! I don’t know what happened to him!” aki pointed at lauri and grimaced.

“You little weasel this is all your fault! You’re so selfish! Were not good enough for him anymore!” 

Lauri launched foreword and grabbed akis shirt making him wince in pain 

“You deserved to get beat up asshole! Fuck you! Fuck all of you! Im done!” he pushed aki back into the couch threw his hands in the air and walked towards the bus doors before he did he turned back with water shimmering in his eyes looked to Eero and said “im sorry , I quit. Find another singer” and disappeared.

Eero sunk into the couch next to aki his expression unreadable.

“You don’t seem to shocked” aki breathed out his voice pained.

Eero shrugged “1 hit album lots of sell out festivals, girls, drugs , parties, all the drink he could handle. Guess he thinks that was enough. Maybe he’s bored now, I knew there was something playing on him.” Eero hung his head and looked utterly deflated.

“I guess its over then” his voice cracked as he said the words. Aki placed a shaky hand on his shoulder to comfort him, despite being the one currently covered in blood. Eero looked to him sadly.

“What happened to you?” aki bit his bottom lip and glanced away.

“You cannot tell lauri, ok? Promise me and swear on your weird bhuda person!”

Eero raised and eyebrow in suspicion but conceded and said, “I swear…on the mad buda person”

Aki smiled then winced as pain shot up his cheek “I…ran into kimi in a bar. He was all over some chick he caught me looking grabbed me, I said something to him about lauri and before I knew it he had me pinned and….Eero I thought he wouldn’t stop… I thought he was gonna kill me! he’s fucking insane! No matter what happens we cant let lauri go and try to find him.”

Eero’s eyes where wide with dis belief “ki…kimi? Did that to you?”

Neither had been observant enough to realize that the automatic bus doors hadn’t clicked meaning lauri hadn’t actually left he was stood on the steps going down to the doors round the corner out of sight. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, he stood stock still frozen his chest heaved with the pressure of his emotions. it was getting hard to breath he just couldn’t comprehend why kimi would have attacked aki and the state his friend was in made him feel even more conflicted, initially his thoughts where that aki had provoked his brother but even so, aki was in a terrible state , lauri was seething. the anger building inside him. 

He wouldn’t seek out kimi, no. He had a better idea on how to get even with his brother, he knew exactly how to make kimi suffer. Initially he had thought about going home back to his fathers. Now he decided he had to cut all attachments once and for all, the band was his family now. even kimi had to be forgotten. 

That nights plan of trying to find kimis apartment and begging him if he could stay was long forgotten. Lauri rounded the corner slowly , aki and Eero still deep in conversation both looking pained and sad, they looked up when they saw him and stared expectantly.

“I…I decided I want to stay. If you’ll still let me be in the band?” 

Eero grinned like a Cheshire cat and aki held out his arms lauri fell into them and rested his head against aki’s chest.

“Will you be ok ?” lauri mumbled into his friends blood soaked shirt.

“Now I will” aki whispered holding the base of Lauri’s neck firmly and placing a chaste kiss on his unruly black hair.

When kimi woke the whole room seemed to spin and he groaned, there was a chuckle of familiar laughter from beside him on the couch he hauled himself into a sitting position his forehead pounding and there was Fernando sitting across from him.

“Morning sunshine” kimi flipped him off which made Fernando laugh even more.

“What you remember about the night huh?” kimi looked at him confused he didn’t quite understand the question.

“ha?”” he said peering out through half lidded eyes still pretty dazed and out of it.

“I say, what do you remember?! You understand yes?” Fernando pretended to knock on his head and kimi jerked away.

“dunno, drinking.” Kimi said matter of factly and shrugged

“ah si lots of drinking and what else” Fernando leaned in and looked at him encouragingly , kimi was starting to get annoyed.

“Fuck knows, get out of my apartment. Why are you even here?” he barked and Fernando smirked.

“Because maybe without me you be in jail somewhere just now, si?” kimi didn’t like the smug look on the Spaniards face.

Suddenly he had a flash back. Blue eyes, black glasses, black baseball cap…aki. Then it all came back to him, he had beaten up aki, Lauri’s best friend and the drummer of the rasmus…no doubt lauri knew by now…. But wait…did that mean lauri was in Switzerland? He had to find him! 

Kimi jumped up from the couch and nearly fell flat onto his face on the carpet, he was still relatively tipsy and couldn’t walk straight Fernando grabbed his arm to steady him.

“wow amigo! What’s the sudden speed?” hurry, kimi felt like correcting him, his English was getting annoying but instead he just shrugged him of and grabbed his car key, Fernando grabbed him again.

“no way! You cannot drive! I cannot allow this! You’ll kill someone one or yourself!”

Kimi was really annoyed now , he shoved Fernando backwards with such force the back of the Spaniards legs hit the coffee table and he grimaced in pain.

“im going to find my little brother! Stay out of my way!”

Fernando didn’t heed the warning and dashed after kimi out of the flat he grabbed the keys before kimi could open the door to the drivers side and backed away quickly as kimi advanced on him looking like a man with murder on his mind.

“hey , hey clam down! I drive ok? Let me drive. Just not you. You will get arrested for sure!” kimi stopped, took a deep breath and walked back to the car to the passenger’s side. Fernando felt the tension leave his body like someone letting air out of a balloon , kimi was one scary ,scary kid and even with his own reputation to uphold Fernando was secretly terrified of him.


	60. the little things give you away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fernando finds kimis pain all to familiar. Nico is being watched and Lewis isn't at all comfortable with that....

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter60.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/starfire/chapter60v2.png.html)

 

Kimi never did find Lauri that night, Fernando drove the best part of twelve hours. They asked at gas stations, hotels, hostels and popular live music venues. The band was gone. When he dropped kimi back at his apartment complex Fernando didn’t follow the young finn back inside and watched in silence as kimi’s silhouette disappeared into the distance. 

Kimi had told him nothing, hadn’t spoken two words the entire time. Watching him slip away looking so utterly defeated pulled at Fernando’s heart strings, kimi was human after all and so was he. Fernando’s own family had fallen apart through dept. many years before Fernando made it into formula 1 and at one point his whole career was on the rocks. His father left the family home and never came back, Fernando had sisters to help look after and a mother who needed him. He knew kimis pain, a pain one only truly understood coming from a Brocken home, And although he knew kimis fathers where together and there relationship was strong he also knew that the family was just as Brocken as his own. He understood that the bond between brothers was both fraught with trauma and filled with pure unfiltered joy, his own had died long before his time and Fernando felt maybe that’s why he was so willing to help kimi look for lauri.

Lewis had invited Nico to London for a long weekend figuring his karting partner needed a change of scene. And by that he meant, a hell of a lot of parties. It was mostly in celebration of their move up to formula 2, finally they where on the road to f1!

However it soon became apparent to Lewis that Nico was the life and sole of every club/party/bar they happened to visit. He would get out of his face drunk, sing karaoke- badly, dance half naked in streets/on tables/on bars and sleep with any hot girl that made herself available. Lewis had to admit he was utterly shocked, he had been under the impression Nico was shy, timid a bit unsure and had even entertained the thought, that the stylish over groomed youngster was gay. Not that Lewis would have had , an issue with that, in fact he would have preferred it , Nico was stealing his thunder and his girls!

It seemed Lewis was entirely wrong about him, Nico was actually quietly confident either that or he was a very, very good actor. Drink helped a lot , obviously.

That particular evening they where on their third club. Nico had already pulled, in the last two venues and had at least 8 mobile numbers not that he planned to call any of them . 

Lewis was at the bar getting a round in when he noticed something odd, two shady looking characters staring at Nico. At first he ignored them collected the round and returned to the table where his brother , Nico and his group of friends had gathered he was momentarily distracted by the heated conversation about the newest games consoles but then his gaze returned to the two men and they where still there and focusing on Nico the whole time.

Lewis glared but they weren’t interested in him and didn’t heed his warning. He nudged Nico who was merrily drunk by this point.

“mate there is a couple weirdo’s staring at you , over there by the bar” Lewis nodded in there direction and Nico glanced up from his round of shots , squinting to focus on the figures by the bar.

The closest one was tallish dressed all in black with a baseball cap and Nico couldn’t see his eyes so figured Lewis was imagining things , then his gaze met the other smaller one , more muscular and half masked by his partner who was on front of him but Nico could make out a pair of intense green eyes and they where defiantly focused on him. He also vaguely thought he recognized those eyes.

Nico drew him a dirty look to which the man didn’t react. 

“Lets get outa here guys those two fucking weird bastards are creeping me out!”  
Lewis threw over his beer and went to stand but Nico pushed him back down.

“I am not leaving because a couple a weirdo’s like staring at my pretty face” a rumble of laughter erupted from the others at the table and Lewis did have to smile at that. Nico was right it was just a couple of idiots…or was it?

As the hour grew later, Nico grew drunker and Lewis had decided he was creeped out enough to remain relatively sober because the two figures hadn’t moved all night and where contently watching Nico. And then it happened, Lewis nearly lost his life after returning to the table with a fresh round of drinks only to find that Nico and the two men had vanished, and his companions hadn’t been paying enough attention to know where Nico had gone. 

Nico was reliving himself at one of the urinals completely oblivious to the two dark figures who had entered the bathroom after him. He was so out of it he didn’t hear the door locking mechanism click. Just as he zipped up his jeans and raised his head he met a pair of green eyes in the mirror and that was the last thing he saw before everything went black.

Lauri had stepped aside and aki had seized Nico putting a cloth over his mouth which had a mild anesthetic sprayed on it and catching him as he went limp and fell to the floor. Lauri’s palms where sweating and he was more than a little nervous he wasn’t sure he wanted to go through with this but every time he looked at aki all he saw was the scar across his forehead and all he felt was anger towards kimi . They had also spent several nights following Lewis around on the hopes of catching Nico off guard, opportunity had finally presented itself. 

Unknown to lauri was the fact that aki had twisted the entire tale of his confrontation with kimi mere days after the incident and had decided lauri should hear ‘exactly what had happened to him’. Of course lauri already knew it was kimi who had assaulted aki having overheard the conversation with Eero, but hearing all the details and watching his strong self assured friend break down and shake with fear made Lauri’s blood run cold. Aki successfully made kimi the villain and lauri had decided the best way to get to kimi was Nico, and now they had him lauri wasn’t so sure he could hurt kimi like this.

“Well don’t just stare at him, do it! This was your idea…I mean kimi nearly killed me!. You said yourself best not to get mad but get even” 

Lauri had indeed said that, and hearing it repeated back made him hate himself. 

“I can’t…aki, I can’t do it.” Lauri put his hands to his face and shook his head.

“Lauri he saw you in the mirror! If you don’t do it he will just wake up and grass you in to the police! Come on man put fear in him!”

Lauri looked at his friend through his fingers before taking his hands away and gazing at the ceiling as if it held the answer.

“who’s to say kimi even cares what happens to him? They haven’t seen each other in years! It was a stupid idea and I can’t do it! Aki don’t make me do this…”

For a moment lauri once again looked like that round cheeked timid scrawny kid aki had met in the cafeteria at school all those years ago, and aki just wanted to protect him but he also wanted lauri to hurt kimi , on his behalf. aki knew he could pull the strings lauri trusted him. He moved foreword and embraced his friend.

“ok, but what do we do now then? Run?” lauri turned his head sideways against akis chest and looked down at the limp body on the floor. They couldn’t leave him like that, what if he reacted badly chocked and died?

“Ill stay with him, you get out of here. If I get into trouble its my own doing”

Aki moved away and looked at lauri firmly shaking his head

“no! Look we will both figure something out. We both came here together we will get out together” a tense silence fell between them as they racked there brains for ideas.

Then There was a loud banging on the bathroom door and a sharp English voice cut through the silence.

“I know you fuckers are in there! Open the door or we call the police!” Lewis screamed and banged on the door.

Aki watched lauri panic and felt completely useless. Then he spotted the open window over one of the actual toilets in one of the cubicles. Lauri could fit out of it and so would he …but Nico would be the issue.

This wasn’t going to plan. They where only meant to find Nico , grab him , preferably outside, knock him out ,beat him senseless and keep him with them for a few days, blindfolded of course, before dropping him off in whichever country the tour bus happened to be at , by which point everyone including kimi would be frantic with worry about his disappearance . And Even if kimi never found out lauri did it, lauri had said to aki he would have been content just to know kimi had suffered like he had when aki had returned beaten and bloody. With hindsight it was a moronic idea; unfortunately they realized this to late and where about to get caught.

Then Nico started to come to and groaned. 

“get out lau , go now! Through that window” aki shoved him furiously. The banging on the door intensified.

Aki instinctively headed for the window first he glanced back at lauri who hadn’t moved with pleading eyes.

“Go ill be ok, go aki!” aki reached out his hand and mouthed ‘please’. Lauri smiled sadly and shook his head.

“go!” aki’s eyes filled with tears and he slipped out the window. 

The bathroom door hinges started to give way under the constant pressure of Lewis and his companions kicking it. Nico was now almost fully conscious and only dazed from his heavy alcohol consumption. Lauri glanced at the window, then Nico then the door. He had about five seconds to make a decision.


	61. friends of misery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> out in the cold London air two men share a peaceful moment before the storm...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/530215_638960439452886_1699754130_n.jpg.html)

“Lauri?” Nico uttered finally recognizing the figure on front of him.

“Jesus …wow uhm when di you get hot?” Nico starred him up and down “is it really you?” lauri nodded his eyes never leaving the door.

There was a crack and then the door clattered to the floor with an almighty crash. Nico tried to slide away ,lauri pulled him backwards out of the path of the door and they fell against the back tilled wall Nico on top of him.

Lewis raced in with his friends and he grabbed Nico pulling him to his feet and looking him over.

“Are you ok? What did they do to you?” Lewis frantically checked him for any sign that his clothing had been disturbed or for blood from some kind of stab wound or some other such horror but Nico looked fine despite his well styled hair now being a slight mess.

Behind Nico , lauri was standing slowly fully aware that there was about seven sets of eyes on him. 

Lewis moved Nico aside and grabbed fistfuls of Lauri’s shirt.

“what the fuck you playing at asshole! One of you call the cops” Lewis barked at his companions.

“no! , hey get off him! no need for that! I know him..he’s kimis brother” Lewis turned to Nico mouth half opened in disbelief.

“wait…you know this guy? Why the hell was the toilet door locked and what the fuck was he and his creepy friend, who is now conveniently missing ,doing staring at you all night?!”

Nico was incredibly drunk but his brain still worked quick enough to concoct a lie. He would quiz lauri about what happened later.

“we recognized each other and got talking…I never seen his friend after you went to the bar, maybe he left? And eh , it was a private conversation about kimi. So I locked the door”

Nico shrugged like it was a completely innocent and totally normal thing to do.

“thanx for the concern Lewis but now you need to pay for a door!” Lewis and Nico had a rather amusing argument before Lewis was dragged away by the manager .

Lauri took the opportunity to make a quick escape during all the confusion. But Nico caught him leaving out of the corner of his eye and excused himself following lauri out.  
“hey! Wait!” lauri continued walking. The London air had a sharp chill , it was pitch black probably the early hours of the morning and the streets where filled with undesirables.

Nico raced to catch up with lauri and grabbed him pulling him round to face him.

He looked him dead in the eyes, he remembered seeing those eyes in the mirror just before…

Nico swallowed hard and backed away like he had been burned .

“did you…try to rape me?” lauri nearly chocked and shook his head furiously.

“what? No!” Nico didn’t believe him

“oh fuck you did! You did, didn’t you!” he backed away further lauri put his hands up in surrender and lowered his voice.

“I swear to you , I didn’t. i….i was …” lauri closed his eyes pained and looked away.

“I was goanna hurt you…a lot, and ..Take you somewhere where it’d be difficult for you to get back from and leave you there. To get back at kimi for something he did. Look you can just Call the cops if you like. Ill stand right here and wait” 

Lauri dropped his arms, put his hands in his pockets and stood there. Nico looked at him suspiciously but he did feel like lauri was telling him the truth.

“what did kimi do?” he asked , curious.

Lauri starred off down on of the dimly lit ally ways and took a while to respond.

“He hurt someone I care about a lot, so I wanted to get back at him” Nico scoffed at that.

“You picked the wrong target then. Kimi hasn’t cared for me for years, in fact I don’t even remember the last time I spoke with him…ow wait yes I do, “ Nico said sarcastically and laughed almost hysterically then went eerily quite in his drunken state “back then I didn’t speak up for him , I didn’t say a thing. And my silence killed us”

Lauri watched as Nico sunk to the pavement and sat there hugging his knees to his chest.

Lauri sat beside him and Nico glanced sideways a few times.

“you….you changed a lot . You look more of a man now than either of us! I saw kimi in one of the news papers, he still looks kinda the same. God he’s so handsome, it hurts so much” lauri knew Nico was drunk so he wasn’t surprised that statements like that where coming out of his mouth, it was when he started sobbing on his shoulder that lauri grew a bit uncomfortable.

Lauri glanced down at Nico and his heart fluttered a little. He wasn’t handsome in the conventional sense of the word. beautiful, stunning or gorgeous would fit better. Lauri had never noticed him before, as youths they had socialized in different circles, all they had in common was kimi and even at that they had rarely if ever spent time together or in each other company. Nico seemed to move closer to him, it was the middle of a dimly lit street and they where in full view of everyone in a not very friendly area of town. Lauri thought it best he get himself and Nico out of there.

“Come on, you can crash on our tour bus for the night.” Nico looked up at him, his eyes now red and puffy and sniffled.

“tour bus?” he muttered clearly confused.

“ill explain tomorrow when your sober , now get off me you’ve soaked my shirt!” Nico moved away allowing lauri to stand; lauri hauled him to his feet and swung his arm over his shoulder. 

“ok, try not to trip me , lets go” with Nico drunk and trains and buses off service for the evening and taxis not a good option . It took lauri three hours to get back to the venue where the bus was parked up and it was already daylight.

Eero greeted him and glanced at Nico pointed and raised an eyebrow to which lauri replied 

“Don’t ask” and hauled him onto the bus dropping him unceremoniously onto one of the couches.

“where’s aki?” Eero pointed back out of the bus doors

“Went looking for you, got here all out of breath asked if you where here, I said no and he bolted off again…you two are very weird you know that. …ow and pauli is growing weed and stuff in the back, thought you outa know incase you smell summit funny” 

Pauli stuck his head round the door that led to the tv area at the back of the bus, grinned and popped his head back in again. Lauri rolled his eyes and brought a hand to his temple he felt a migraine coming on.


	62. Unaware

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> james and niki are oblivious to both there sons struggles until one very odd phone call and a very unexpected accident...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/chapter62.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/chapter623.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/chapter622.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/chapter624.png.html)

 

Blissfully unaware of the silent war being waged between their sons, Niki and James continued life as normally as they could.

The house in Finland and the silence no longer getting to them as much as it did. But Niki had refused when James suggested they re order kimi and Lauri’s rooms for ‘more space’. And oddly Niki often sat at Lauri’s piano in silence for a few hours every evening , James had stopped trying to figure out why. He had to admit he often spent time in kimis room when he thought Niki wouldn’t notice, Niki also fussed around that room most weekends re ordering things and occasionally washing the sheets or random items of kimis clothes . He was afraid to touch anything in Lauri’s room, that room had always been pretty forbidden as there youngest son liked to lock himself away in it. Kimi was more inclined to accept visitors, if they knocked first.

Niki wasn’t as busy at Mercedes as he team was a declining name in formula 1 and Niki was pretty disenchanted with how things where being run , they needed new drivers pronto and new engineers , management… everything needed shaken up. McLaren however kept James on his toes and where doing exceptionally well. James was more than eager to suggest kimi move there at some point, Niki had to remind James to walk before he could run as kimi hadn’t even had his formula 1 debut yet! And also Niki secretly hoped kimi would end up at Ferrari.

Niki still had contacts there, luca for one would be a good person to speak to at a later date.

One evening the phone in the house was ringing off the hook, Niki was purposely ignoring it. It was his down time and business could wait , however the persistence of the caller was annoying James. Eventually he cracked first.

“Answer that phone niki! You know its not for me!” he yelled over his shoulder to the kitchen where Niki was raiding there pretty empty fridge for plausible/edible ingredients to make some kind of meal. Their food bill was substantially less with two growing boys out of the house.

“You answer it asshole! Say I disappeared and you cant find me, use your imagination!” James mimicked Niki throwing his hands in the air and trudging childishly to the hall where the phone was situated once he got there the ringing stopped and he groaned as he walked away again, the ringing re commenced. the utterly frustrated yell he made had Niki craning his head round the kitchen door and laughing at him.

James picked up the receiver and had to refrain himself from answering with “stop fucking calling!!” instead he opted for a curt gentlemanly -

“hunt lauda residence” Niki nearly lost it at James sudden change in demeanor , James drew him a dirty look.

“Isa?” came a timid voice on the end of the line, if James didn’t know any better he’d have sworn it was a six year old version of kimi calling.  
“Kimster? Hey son! I thought you’d forgotten us having all that fun in Switzerland!” Niki was suddenly right next to him in the hallway edging closer to James to try and here their sons voice.

There was sounds of what James thought might be crying on the other end , James went ridged next to Niki who looked up at him and mouthed “is he ok?” James shook his head and Niki pulled closer.

“son? Are you alright? Kimi talk to me” there was silence , James thought he might have hung up

“kimi?” James added more urgently

“can I come home?” Came the soft reply.

James looked at Niki and covered the receiver he whispered “something wrong he wants to come home” Niki gestured for James to give him the phone.

“kimi? Buba what’s happened ? are you alright? “ Nikis tone was softer and that little bit less panicked, it was James turn to lean into Niki.

“I cant do this, and I can’t find him! Hes gone Isa! And they will all laugh , ill ruin the family name’s, what if I crash? What if I cause someone else to crash? The other drivers are all talking about me they don’t want me here, the media has written awful things here in Switzerland I didn’t do half of the things they said! I don’t know why they are making this stuff up!” kimi ranted down the phone, Niki could almost swear that was the most kimi had ever said in one breath and he wasn’t finished …

“And I beat up some guy in a club real badly a few days ago and it was lauris friend! And I can’t get in touch with lauri at all , and he’s got his first album out its number 1 everywhere, I see his face on almost every poster ! in every store and it hurts so bad! he’s been so successful and ill just fail…and I miss him and I miss you both , I miss the ways things where ….and I just can’t do this, I can’t face the media I hate it and all the questions and all the people and I feel like im suffocating!!”

Niki could hardly keep up 

“ok , kimi do me a favor and breath . Me and your father are gonna come and see you. You have to just calm down. The season starts next month, you’ll be absolutely fine , stop panicking go make yourself a drink sit down watch some tv and we will see you as soon as we can ill get the plane ready ok? And as for your brother that’s amassing news we had no idea! Just be happy for him you’ll have your time to don’t you worry about that” Niki heard kimis breathing settle a little.

“when will you get here?” Niki couldn’t deny his delight that kimi for once was so eager to see them.

“we will push for tonight ok? Don’t wait up. I have a spare set of keys for that complex.”

Kimi laughed a little “just incase you needed to spy on me?”

“Something like that” Niki replied also laughing.

“we will see you soon buba, take it easy ok?” They said there goodbyes and Niki pushed James upstairs with orders to pack two bags.

“Niki im supposed to be in London tomorrow for work?!” James protested.

“your sons more important ! Cancel it!” James threw his hands in the air and did as he was instructed.

It was pouring outside and James could barely see where he was driving .

“slow down James the rains blinding!” James couldn’t reply he was to focused on the roads

“James! There could be reindeer or anything! Slow the fuck down!” just as James took his eyes off the road to drop the gear Niki yelled grabbed the wheel and the car ended up in the ditch. James watched stunned as Niki threw open the car door and jumped out. James was jammed against the trees on the driver side and his door wouldn’t open he scrambled across the seat and out Niki’s door.

Laying flat in the middle of the road was what looked like a child, Niki raced towards the still figure. James stood unable to move. The first thought that ran through his head was that he’d just killed someone.


	63. Sebastian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Niki pick up an unexpected stow away ...:P

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/d07eur562.jpg.html)

Niki knelt soaked on front of the lifeless figure, it had its hands over its face Niki tentatively pulled one of the hands away and the youngster opened his eyes and looked at him then began to get up. Niki moved foreword and grasped the boy under the arms to help him. 

He had sandy blonde hair and was drenched from head to toe, a little blood on the side of his face but otherwise seemed ok.

Niki walked him the side of the road and sat him down.

“Can you tell me your name? Are you in any pain?” Niki knelt on front of the boy and held his shoulders firmly. He was obviously in shock, breathing heavily and shaking.

“se….seb…seba” the boy stuttered , he could barely speak and the rain was getting heavier.

Niki took a closer look brought both his hands to the youngsters face and tilted his up, bright blue eyes , shaggy blonde hair , plush lips , elf ish shaped ears. Sebastian vettel.

“seb?” Niki asked and the youth nodded. 

“fuck!” Niki breathed “James! James get over here now!” James snapped out of his trance and raced down the road to Niki.

“its Sebastian!” Niki said looking up at him.

“Sebastian? “ James asked confused glancing over the boy making sure he looked ok, nothing Brocken and no large wounds James sighed relieved.

“yes seb, mika and keke’s seb, you know? nicos brother…” James eyes went wide and he instantly knelt down beside Niki.

“ow shit! Sebastian are you alright? Did I hit you hard? Where the pain? Is anything Brocken? Where’s your parents!” James touched his shoulder and Sebastian looked at him and smiled a little shaking his head, 

“no..th..th..ing Brock…en”. He stammered. 

“Try and get the car out of the ditch and lets get him inside out of this weather!” Niki edged closer and wrapped his arms around Sebastian pulling his jacket round him and james trudged off to the car. Sebastian was shaking against Niki.

“hey its ok, your going to be ok. We will get you home” Niki spoke soothingly but Sebastian seemed to shake more.

“no please, I don’t…don’t want to..” Niki glanced down at him.

“don’t want to?” he repeated .

“go home,…please I don’t want to go back.” Niki shooshed him and pulled him closer.

“just rest for now” the rain was relentless and the sound of the car engine revving in the distance along with fresh rumbles of thunder and Sebastian’s labored breathing where providing a hectic soundtrack to there already eventful evening.

Finally James managed to get the jeep out of the ditch and pulled up next to Niki. He jumped out and helped him get Sebastian into the back seat, where Niki laid him flat and got in with Sebastian resting his head in his lap. James got back into the front seat and cut the engine off looking back at Niki.

“Should we head for the hospital? Or mikas? He obviously came from mikas”

Niki glanced down at Sebastian who looked up at him with pleading eyes.

“Please I don’t wanna go home” Niki glanced back at James.

“Hospital I think , and I am sorry seb but they will call mika and he will have to come get you” seb started to cry.

“no! Please! I’m ok I’m not hurt I don’t wanna go back! Keke is there…I don’t want to go to Germany with him!! Please, please no!” Niki looked helplessly at James who was massaging his temple feeling pressure building across his forehead.

“Please take me home with you guys? I wont tell anyone about this if you take me with you? You can call mika and say I am with you? He wont mind I promise!” Niki smirked at that, Sebastian obviously knew the skill of manipulation however his plan was flawed, as Niki doubted mika would be ‘ok’ with it. And they weren’t going ‘home’ they where headed to the airport. 

“Look lets get to the airport, we promised kimi and we will just call mika and tell him what happened. Him and keke can freak out and whatever I don’t really care all that much, I want to get to my son, what difference does this little stow away make anyway, he knows us both and he is safe with us” James said , Niki shrugged and nodded in agreement . Seb instantly turned off the water works and smiled.

“ok drive, and slowly!” James saluted and Niki smacked his shoulder, Seb looked up and watched them. When he was little he used to make faces and displeased remarks when they would display any kind of affection now he was slightly fascinated by them. Especially Niki, he had posters of Niki on his room walls, which keke greatly objected to but he was sebs favorite world champion.

“Are you going to see kimi?” Seb asked and Niki nodded.

“indeed, doubt he will have been expecting you” Niki smiled and Seb grinned.

“Mika told me he had moved away from home, is he still grumpy? He was always so grumpy! He never smiled!” Niki laughed and patted Sebastian’s chest.

“he is still a little grumpy , but he’s growing out of it” Seb made a face 

“I don’t think he can! His face was just made that way! I miss racing him”  
Niki smiled fondly at James through the mirror and James smiled back and cut in to the conversation

“Maybe one day you will again? Could be an epic battle” Sebastian’s eyes lit up and Niki decided he was growing rather fond of the kid, he had always thought him bratish and aggravating and kimi had hated him but Niki was pretty sure now, that they may well get along. He had his suspicions Sebastian was secretly a great admirer of there son.

When they got to the airport James waited with Sebastian and helped him dry off using some of the supplies from Nikis plane. Niki got clearance had the plain re fueled and reappeared a few hours later to get them all checked in. 

Sebastian conveniently had his passport in his pocket which saved Niki making excuses or trying to get a favor from one of his associates at the airport, Niki also noticed a pile of cash crumpled up in Sebastian’s pocket . He was obviously planning some kind of escape. Niki would question him later.

James sat in the cockpit with Niki and Sebastian wandered in and out of the cabin and cockpit utterly fascinated and kept repeating “this is so cool!” James caught Niki smiling occasionally at the boys obvious excitement. 

He had to admit he missed having a kid around as much as Niki did. Life had little meaning now that they didn’t have two curious, stubborn , funny , tiresome boys around them. Sebastian was a breath of fresh air that evening on there flight to Switzerland.

When they landed James hired a car and the set off for kimi’s place. Sebastian was practically bouncing by this point.

“I think this has been the best night ever! Accept for nearly getting run over of course, but you have your own plane and can just click your fingers and get stuff! Like they had this car there so quick! And you fly your own plane and you have three world titles, and yeah I know James has one to which is so cool! To even have one is cool! Im gonna be the best driver ever you know, just wait ill be really good! I want…. two no tree championships!”

Niki giggled the whole way through Sebastian’s rant and James nodded along comically reminding Niki a bit of one of those nodding dogs that you stick on your dashboard.

“Ambitious! Always a good thing, and why not? Get as many as you can, reach for the stars, nothing you can’t do or dream but remember the dreams don’t work unless you do” 

James sometimes felt he fell in love with Niki all over again when he talked like that, and watching the boy gaze at Niki in wonder made James think maybe there truly was something special about Niki besides his innate ability to survive and thrive even after all he’d been through.

Sebastian was in awe. He never stopped talking until they pulled into the underground car park beneath kimis apartment complex then suddenly he went silent and rubbed his palms on his jeans. Niki observed he’d suddenly become very nervous and was trying to stand taller and adjust his clothes which where still damp.

They walked the winding stairs to the top floor, kimi had the condo , only the best for the son of Niki Lauda and James hunt.

“James why don’t you wait with Seb , and ill …talk to kimi about the situation” James patted sebs shoulder and pulled him aside further down the hall.

Niki opened the door and let himself in closing it behind him James massaged sebs shoulders, Sebastian looked up at James and asked 

“Will he be really angry that I’m here” James didn’t have a good answer and held his shoulders a little tighter.

When kimi heard the door he shot up from the couch as soon as Niki came into view he raced forward and Niki wrapped his arms round him.

“hey buba , god you got bigger again!” Kimi actually had to lean down to rest his head on nikis shoulder.

“isa you came!” Niki held him tightly.

“Well of course we came! Kimi.. .son I need to ask you something” Niki patted his back and kimi pulled away slightly so they where facing.

“We had a bit of an accident on the way here, no no don’t panic isa James is fine. But uh ..we may have hit Sebastian with the car, Sebastian vettel mika and keke’s boy . Cutting a long story short we had to bring him with us. If you’d rather not have him here James can wait with him in a hotel and we will call mika.”

Kimis face distorted into one of pure distain. Niki was expecting this though, and he knew kimi just wanted James and himself there alone to comfort him. 

“It has been a hectic day, he’s not an annoying brat anymore. I can promise you that. Although he talks a lot which may get on your nerves. Like I said James can stay with him tonight and we will have him collected in the morning.”

Kimi seemed to think it over for a moment.

“Just bring him in but I want him gone tomorrow” kimis voice was low and threatening and Niki nodded. He felt immensely guilty and kimis welcoming demeanor was completely gone and now replaced with a coldness. 

Niki reached out and caressed his shoulder but kimi jerked away and walked back to the living room hands in his pockets shoulders slumped. It was a childish sulk and reminded Niki of kimi’s tantrums as a child when he didn’t get his way , but then Niki was sympathetic after all kimi hadn’t been expecting an extra visitor.

Niki stepped back out into the hall

“ok seb kimi says you can stay for the night but I’m afraid one of your dads needs to come get you tomorrow” Sebastian opened his mouth to protest but Niki raised his hand “no objections kiddo, kimi isn’t in a good mood, lets just say hes rather grumpy and I wouldn’t get on his wrong side if I where you” Sebastian nodded and looked down looking rather deflated James made a sympathetic face at Niki .

“Was he you know…” James mouthed the words ‘pissed off’ and Niki instantly nodded.


	64. weight of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi and Sebastian get re acquainted after years without contact.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-06-23at145604.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/sebastian-vettelcopy.jpg.html)

 

They filled into the apartment after Niki. Kimi was sitting on the couch focusing on the tv.

“hey kimster!” James beamed but kimi wasn’t at all interested in happy greetings anymore.

“hi” kimi mumbled and didn’t so much as look at James. James walked over and put his arms round him regardless and kimi simply patted his arm in response. Niki felt like chiding him and lecturing him on how immature he was being but that wasn’t likely to help.

Sebastian walked foreword tentatively “hi kimi, sorry to have to crash on you. Your dad kinda hit me with the car, kinda funny actually. Uhm…anyway they where in a rush to get here to you, you have great dads , so they couldn’t take me home, I did not really wanna go back anyways, … but that doesn’t matter though…yeah so uh…sorry about this” kimi looked up at Seb and Niki watched as the youngster averted his gaze and felt really sorry for him, kimi did have a rather threatening presence. Niki and James remembered all to well when they had lived in fear of their sons mood swings, a kid would hardly know what to expect.

Kimi just shrugged and looked back at the tv “whatever” he said, he was really trying Nikis patience and James noticed.

James sat next to him and whispered in kimis ear 

“he’s just a kid, go easy on him he’s scared of you” kimi glanced sideways at Sebastian who was still staring at the floor. Kimi took a moment to look him over.  
He was scrawny his hair was blonde ish and puffy, he had a long face and pointy ears and was generally awkward looking. Then a strange thought occurred to kimi, he was pretty cute. Kimi screwed up his face and gave in.

“There is food in the fridge help yourself” the way Sebastian’s head shot up and how he looked at him with utter disbelief was comical and kimi almost wanted to crack a smile. Niki led seb off the kitchen.

Once out of ear shot James turned to kimi and placed a hand on his back.

“I know this isn’t how you wanted this evening to go, trust me its not how we expected things to happen either. Relax though were here, me and niki. We are here now and whatever is going on with you we will get through it together. ok?” kimi actually smiled at that and leaned into James who grabbed him and held him close to his chest .

“we miss you kimster, we miss you every moment, and that tare away brother of yours . Its so good to see you son.” Kimi nodded and closed his eyes inhaling the familiar smell of Tabaco and cologne and that subtle hint of Niki, which was unique to James.

Sebastian had made himself a sandwich and was rather excited by kimi’s selection of junk foods , Niki watched him eagerly pouring a pint glass of soda and grab a bowl full of crisps , chocolate and popcorn. Niki was slightly appalled by how unhealthy kimi was living and not to mention the substantial stock of alcoholic beverages. They would need to have words about that .

Sebastian stalled before leaving the kitchen and Niki turned back to look at him

“Alright there seb?” Sebastian glanced at the beers “which one does he like ? ill bring him in one” Niki smiled warmly at Sebastian , and pointed , seb retrieved one of the stella artoise cans and juggled his own drink the bowl and his sandwich much to nikis amusement.

Kimi pulled away from James as soon as Niki appeared and went a little red in the face clearly embarrassed that Sebastian might have seen him. However he hadn’t , and was much to busy concentrating on not dropping anything. Seb finally reached the table after a few tense moments where kimi had to cringe as he wobbled and he had visions of the soda hitting the floor. 

Seb plopped everything on the table and held out the beer to kimi smiling. Kimi took it from and smiled back a little.

“kiitos” he said and seb beamed back at him making him glance at James awkwardly wondering what he had said to make seb so happy “that’s thanx in Finnish! Mika taught me some!”

Kimi glanced at him blankly “uh ..that’s nice” Niki couldn’t hold it in any longer and cracked up , James also began to laugh, eventually it was contagious and all four of them including kimi where laughing.

But It was late and Niki and James decided to call it a night kimi showed them to the spare room and was in much better spirits when he kissed them both goodnight.

When he returned to the living room Seb was engrossed in looking at all his pictures. Kimi had framed his favorites and had them displayed on shelves and on the walls around the living room.

Seb was currently looking at photo from Scotland kimi and Nico where in the back arms round one another smiling and lauri was kneeling in from of kimi , himself stood to the left of Nico grinning madly . They all looked happy and so very young.

Kimi stood silently behind him and watched him glance from one photo to another. Sebastian held out his hand and let his fingers rest on one of the glass frames.

It was kimi himself and Fernando on the podium at kimis last under sixteen’s karting race. Sebastian was tracing his fingers over kimis face and smiling.

Kimi cleared his throat and Sebastian jumped spinning round.

“ow! Uh sorry was just…looking” kimi crossed his arms over his chest and tilted his head to the side. Sebastian’s fearfulness was amusing him.

“You where really annoying” kimi stated his expression solid. Sebastian chewed his bottom lip and his shoulders fell.

“yeah, sorry. Nico says that to me alot …and keke. They still think I am” Kimi instantly regretted his statement, he was trying to mess with Sebastian but he figured his means of joking was a little too subtle.

“Bad joke” kimi mumbled dropping his arms and moving foreword to look at the photo seb was so interested in.

“was a good race” Sebastian smiled up at him 

“you where brilliant! Such a good win” kimi shrugged

“Not the best memories” Sebastian nodded he knew what kimi was referring to, that was also the day Nico and kimi had gone missing and actually the last day Sebastian had seen kimi.

“Nico was never the same after that, he’s …well I don’t like him at all. We don’t speak anymore. He’s a pampered spoilt princess” kimi clenched his jaw , he had to stop himself asking Sebastian for information about Nico. 

“I don’t know where lauri is, none of us do” Sebastian shot him a surprised look.

“Really?! His band are touring Europe just now , I wanted to see them but keke says there music would give someone like me ‘ideas’ he says they are to radical and he even tried to stop me listening to them. Last I heard they where in the UK next” 

Kimi glanced at the photo he had of him and lauri just before military service right before everything went to hell and lauri had moved away.

“thanx , good to know” Sebastian glanced at the photo as well.

“hey if you decide to go see the show can I come? I wouldn’t like , bother you or anything. I just want to see them really bad, they are awesome live my friend saw them in Stuttgart” 

Kimi nodded “suppose, but I dunno if ill go, one of those shows is on the same day as my first race…a huge festival ” Sebastian looked up at him in awe, but kimi was totally freaked out by the thought of that race.

“Are you excited? It’s a huge deal, its awesome !” Sebastian looked so enthusiastic at first but then kimi watched his face fall a little 

“I wish it was me” he said and suddenly the kid looked sad.

“someday soon it will be” seb looked at him with wide eyes filled with wonder 

“do you think I can?” kimi nodded “sure I don’t see why not, you kicked all our asses at karting for long enough”

seb chuckled “it was a lot of fun! But now…well keke and mika are fighting a lot over me and my future and I am not sure what will happen” Sebastian was staring at the floor again and kimi was starting to dislike it when the kid was unhappy it just seemed so unnatural, kimi actually preferred his up beat jumpy excitable nature.

“screw them, do what you want. That’s what lauri did , its what I did” Sebastian pointed at the picture of Nico kimi had and turned to him 

“Are you still friends? Do you still talk?” kimi shook his head 

“Look I don’t wanna talk about him ok.” His tone was a lot more cutting than he meant it to be and Sebastian flinched.

“ok…sorry” kimi rolled his eyes.

“And stop apologizing! That really is annoying” seb looked completely cut down and kimi was starting to think it best they just stopped talking because Sebastian wasn’t used to him and therefore wasn’t reading him very well and missing his subtle sarcasm.

“Look I don’t bite. Chill” kimi walked away to the kitchen to get another beer and Sebastian smiled timidly and followed.


	65. hold your breath on the way down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico is falling deeper and deeper into a web of trouble and he has no idea what he is dealing with , one wrong move and he could find himself drowning, again.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/542840_281508941929526_718532385_n.jpg.html)

Nico had passed out at the front of the bus and when he came to there was a stranger staring at him, brown blank eyes and a vacant expression with soft brown hair, the mans gaze was pretty intense. Nico backed as far into the couch as he could go as if hoping the fabric might swallow him. His head ached and he didn’t remember anything or how he had come to be where he was at that moment. And he certainly didn’t remember this guy.

There was a strange smell in the air, Nico recognized it instantly. He had partied in Amsterdam enough times to know what it was, marijuana. Then a familiar face appeared behind the guy staring at him. Lauri, He was smoking and it was not your ordinary nicotine , the smell was making Nico a bit light headed.

Another more stout male appeared behind lauri also smoking.

“he is damn pretty! Where did you find him lau? Can we share?” the large guy nudged lauri who batted his hand away.

“I don’t swing that way pauli! Stop staring at him Eero it’s creepy! And Besides hes just crashing here for awhile so don’t touch incase you get arrested for it!” Nico watched them squabble and took the opportunity to look around from his spot on the couch. 

It looked kind of like he was in some kind of caravan set up except nicer, he was seated in a small but spacious area across from a neat kitchen, down from him was the driver seat beneath which was the doors and further down the corridor was rows of bunks stacked one above the other, the bathroom he assumed was down the aisle somewhere and towards the back was more seats. Then Nico clicked, he remembered seeing a music video back in Monaco except Lauri’s hair was platinum blonde in the video but he recognized the other two who looked exactly the same. 

Nico reached out absently and took the smoking roll up from between Lauri’s fingers, lauri gazed at him in silence and watched Nico take a drag and laughed as he chocked almost instantly.

“its an acquired taste princess” lauri mocked , Nico made a face at that. The whole ‘princess’ thing seemed to be following him. He shrugged and took another drag, there was more than simple hash in that role up. He could feel the burn at the back of his throat and the taste was vile but his nerves seemed to instantly calm and he started to relax. 

Lauri slid into the seat beside him and took another roll up out of his pocket, lighting it taking a drag himself and blowing the smoke in Nicos face. 

Another couple of roll ups and a few beers later, lauri was happily stoned, laying back on the couch head back arms outstretched gazing at the ceiling his eye lids drooping his vision delightfully blurry. 

Nico was also happily high and the effect had been quicker on him as he had never smoked that particular combination of drugs before and was still tipsy from the previous evening. Nico stalked foreword on the couch and slid his hand up Lauri’s leg , abdomen and then chest . Lauri’s shirt rising up as he did so. Lauri’s head lulled to the side , he closed his eyes and groaned.

Nico drank in the sight of him, his shirt resting bunched up on his chest exposing his muscular torso and the little trail of black hair from his belly button down his abs and disappearing beneath the waist band of his underwear. 

Nico moved foreword between his parted legs and slid up his body pressing his torso against lauri. He closed his eyes and imagined kimi, that soft blonde hair, blue eyes, pale skin, he could see kimis cock , images of that night in Norway flooding his brain . When he opened his eyes he only saw kimi, the drug taking full effect, he no longer saw lauri.

Filled with lust he grabbed lauri by the back of the neck and forced there lips together sliding his tongue inside Lauri’s mouth his other hand caressing his rippled abs fingers dancing over the soft skin. Lauri was to gone to do anything and just lay there.

Meanwhile, Aki was soaked he smelt awful and was exhausted, he trudged up the stairs of the bus and when he raised his head his heart stopped, lauri was spread eagle on the couch and the guy they had meant to beat up and torture was all over him.  
Aki stood and watched even though his chest was aching and every fiber of being was screaming for him to either walk away or kill them both.

Nico was now attacking Lauri’s neck, marking it. Akis fists clenched tighter, then he observed lauri a little closer and the smell filled the air. They where shit faced, both of them totally high and god knows what else Pauli had added to whatever concoctions they had been smoking. 

“kimi” Nico moaned his hand sliding all the way beneath the waist band of Lauri’s underwear , when Lauri’s eyes rolled back and he groaned in pleasure , aki snapped. He lunged foreword and seized Nico throwing him unceremoniously to the floor.

“You stay there you fucking whore!” aki kicked Nico roughly in the side and watched him flinch and was a little satisfied when Nico yelled in pain.

Aki turned his attention to lauri who was so utterly lifeless and pliant that aki was more than a little concerned. He brought both hands to his face and shook him a little.

“lau? Kid? Lauri…come on man its me , its aki” lauri’s pupils where not focusing but he smiled dumbly regardless. Aki looked him over, his shirt was pulled up , his lips where swollen and there was a definite hickey forming on his neck. All of which turned aki on and also made his blood boil. 

Aki grabbed Nico by the hair hauled him up onto his feet marching him to the back of the bus practically squeezing him into one of the bunks closing the blinds and punching him in the side again, just for added malice. That was the original plan anyway , to hurt nico, so it made no difference to him.

He ignored Nicos pained cries. He returned to lauri, who had now fallen asleep and was very obviously still aroused. Aki chewed his bottom lip. He sat beside his friend and caressed his thigh.

“lau we have to end this, we gotta get rid of these fucking arse holes! You said yourself they didn’t care about you, ill sort it I promise. And you’ll never have to worry about them ever again. I have already started, kimis going down. I know you wont enjoy watching it at first but in the end you’ll see why I did it. They never saw you cry all those nights, I did. All those times you had to be strong but now I can take care of you. And we start with this guy. Maybe our plan didn’t back fire after all” 

Aki smiled kissed Lauri’s forehead and called for the driver , the bus set off to the euro tunnel . In a few hours they’d be in France. And Nico would have no idea what was happening and Aki would make sure he was to scarred to question any of it. 


	66. the eyes behind the curtain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the whole situation between Nico and aki is being watched and nicos saviour may just be the most unlikely of people.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/968full-eero-heinonen.jpg.html)

“akiiiiiii” lauri cried from his bunk , almost instantly the curtains where pulled back and akis hand was on his face petting his cheek lovingly. In any other state lauri might have been freaked out by that but he was feeling incredibly ill. 

“hey , settle down its ok , no need to yell” lauri brought a shaky hand to his mouth his cheeks puffing out a little. Aki took the hint he darted down the slim corridor to the bathroom and grabbed ‘the bucket’.

‘the bucket’ is a sacred item all bands had on there tour bus. It was for urine (when the toilet wasn’t working) , and of course puke. He raced back to lauri just in time as he leaned over the side of the bunk into the aisle and threw up. Aki looked away and held the bucket up for him as he wrenched.

Eventually the nausea subsided and lauri lay back clutching his stomach. Aki disposed of ‘the bucket’ and returned with water. Eero drew the curtain from his bunk directly across from Lauri’s and looked over.

“Hey why do we still have the pretty guy with us?” aki flinched and lauri craned his head up putting his chin to his chest and gazing at Eero raising an eyebrow.

“what ? whos pretty? Huh?” Eero rolled his eyes and turned to aki.

“aren’t we gonna drop him off somewhere? And he’s been wheezing and sobbing and…uh I think he’s dying. I don’t want a dead body on the bus…bad for my karma” aki smacked Eero on the head and drew his curtain again.

“You will have no luck for that! And you will never reach enlightenment aki!” Lauri chuckled and instantly regretted it, aki yelled back

“fuck your enlightenment I wanna get drunk and screw! Orgasms! Now that’s enlightenment! Fucking prude, go shag something your getting weirder!” the sounds of Pauli cracking up in the bunk bellow Eero , filled the air and pretty soon they where all laughing, Lauri’s sides ached and he wanted to throw up again but held it in opting instead to gaze at aki who seemed a bit on edge.

“whas up? You seem bumned out about something…I don’t remember last night …what happened after the club? We didn’t do anything we shouldn’t have…did we?” 

Aki started petting his face again “you really don’t remember anything?” lauri screwed up his brow and thought for a moment.

“I …I dunno there is bits of things, but they seem to unreal to have happened…what the fuck did pauli put in that stuff, man I feel awful” aki smiled, glad he had opted out of having a smoke.

He had two options, tell lauri roughly what he assumed happed or, lie.  
Just when he was about to speak there was a thud and lauri jumped slightly. Aki looked to the side and there on the floor was Nico , he had rolled out of the bunk and was trying and failing at pulling himself up. Lauri craned his head round the side of the bunk and gazed down into the aisle and was stunned.

“Who the fucks that?!” lauri pointed , he couldn’t see the guys face and his mind was still cloudy. Aki scratched the back of his head nervously, and then he had an idea. Instantly he looked away willing his eyes to fill up . Lauri noticed and grabbed his arm.

“hey…aki? Are you ok?” aki shrugged him off and looked at him with eyes filled with fake tears, to lauri though the little show was working and he was almost distraught.

“aki?! What’s wrong..” lauri reached for him again, time for the real show, aki thought to himself. He pointed violently at Nico and started shouting.

“this was all your idea! Then you chickened out and I had to leave you! I thought the cops would lock you up! I was beside myself with worry! and then you bring him back here? What the hell are you playing at! And I find him all over you, kissing you…touching you it made me sick to my stomach! was this your plan all along? to get him here so you could have your way with him ? Was that the real plan to get back at kimi?! Well was it!” 

It was obvious from Lauri’s expression he wasn’t following aki but the look of utter shock and guilt and then devastation made aki feel rather delighted on the inside. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! I don’t remember anything…im sorry aki , please. Please don’t be mad at me, I need you man, don’t get angry with me!”

Right back where aki wanted him. Needy and submissive. Aki let a little hint of a smile creep back across his face and pushed lauri into a lying position and hushed him.

“We will talk about it later, ill take care of him” aki practically spat the last word. 

Lauri looked up at him timidly and asked “aki…who is that?” when aki didn’t answer right away he continued to stare up at him with a confused expression.

“Nico Rosberg” aki said finally and left lauri lying there as the nights events began flooding back to him, he could see Nico on the cold tilled floor passed out , then someone was grabbing him then they where outside and it was cold, Nico was sobbing then he had a flash back of Nico on the couch , then Nico was all over him, caressing him, biting him …his hand slipping lower , and he remembered one name escaping his beautiful lips “kimi” . Suddenly lauri felt sick again.

Lauri and aki where completely oblivious, to the deep pair of gentle brown eyes watching everything from behind the curtain across the aisle.

“aki!!!” lauri hollered again, and aki smirked at his pained cry. But ignored him hauling Nico to his feet and dragging him to the bathroom.

Nico looked positively disheveled and wasn’t putting up any kind of protest as aki sat him in the shower fully clothed and ran cold water on him. Aki stood outside the glass doors and watched him shivering. His white shirt sticking to his skin and aki could see the dark blue black patch forming on his side where aki had kicked then punched him. Nico mumbled incoherently and wrapped his arms around himself and started to sob a little his lush blonde hair soaking and sticking to his neck, falling into his eyes dripping cold droplets onto his lips which where swollen from kissing lauri. The memory made akis stomach turn and he left Nico alone under the freezing spray.

He retuned to lauri and comforted him . lauri began apologizing profusely and swearing he had no interest in Nico and that he would kill Pauli. Eero slipped unseen out of his bunk and made his way unnoticed passed aki to the bathroom. He opened the door and saw Nico sat there sobbing holding his side and muttering.

Eero quickly shut off the spray threw the doors open and got into the shower kneeling on front of Nico and holding his arms, he pushed soaking wet strands of hair out of his face and placed a gentle hand under his chin tilting his head up so he could look into his eyes. Being deeply spiritual whatever Eero saw in those blue orbs shook him to the core .

“I wont hurt you, my names eero, and your Nico , yes?” Nico nodded weakly “will you let me help you?” he nodded gain.

“Good, well first we must get you dry and something to eat” Eero gently helped Nico up using his own body as an anchor. Nico wrapped an arm round eeros shoulder and Eero helped him hobble out of the bathroom. Eero glanced over his shoulder, aki was still pre occupied with lauri , he got Nico to the back of the bus and shut the curtain behind them. Eero took some solace in being considered the weird one in the band it meant that his band mates heavily underestimated him, he saw more than he let on and heard more than they knew.


	67. the compassion of strangers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico and seb discover the unwavering kindness of strangers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eero is a Buddhist (and into energy readings and the like) incase anyone had missed that ;) he is also one in reality although my description of his spiritualness could be WAY off :P 
> 
> ALSO a quick guide to name pronunciations (i should have done this ages ago! sorry!)
> 
> Eero - air - row  
> Lauri - lou - ree (pronounced 'lou' like the word english word 'loud')  
> Aki - ack - key

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/eerotaiwan.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-01at171309.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_nagva7IS0V1toymsbo1_500.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_naklu8GyHY1srpsueo1_500.jpg.html)

Eero had Nico laid out on the couch, and was gently dabbing a warm cloth against the angry bruise on his side. 

He had stripped him out of every stitch of clothing including his underwear Nico was to weak and out of it to object, but luckily for him Eero wasn’t a pervert and had dressed him as quickly as he had undressed him. Nico was now clad in a mismatch of Eero and Lauri’s clothes. Eero had fixed him some soup and gotten him a glass of water, nausea and pain pills. Dried off his hair as best as he could and was now tending to his wound.

Nico looked him over. He had soft shoulder length brown hair round youthful cheeks deep brown eyes and pouty lips. He was handsome.

“Why are you doing this?” Nico whispered looking at Eero through half lidded eyes. Eero didn’t look at him directly and instead continued to look over his abdomen pressing gently, Nico hissed in pain as Eero felt round his ribs.

“Doing what? And they are most likely bruised” he finally replied gently massaging nico’s side.

“Being so kind to me…when all they want is to hurt me” Eero looked at him, and his expression wasn’t the vacant one from before, it was intense and focused.

“Not everyone wanted to hurt you, don’t talk you’ll just exhaust yourself.”

Eero stood and walked over to the other couch and crossed his legs closing his eyes and resting his hands on his knees. Nico watched him curiously, was he meditating?

“What are you doing?” Nico asked bewildered. Eero cracked opened one eye and shut it again.

“Clearing my head” he replied. Nico lay still for several moments then broke the silence gain 

“how?” Eero smiled but never opened his eyes.

“Blocking out the world for awhile, you should try it. Just close your eyes”

Nico happily obliged he was so tired. But when he closed his eyes all he could hear was noise. The bus tires against the gravel highway, the rattling of appliances in the kitchen as the bus rocked from side to side, his own breathing, the shrill squealing in his ears. Then eeros voice cut through the haze. Nico felt a hand on his chest and another on his forehead.

“just breath, good. Concentrate on your breathing. Relax, focus on your feet, now you legs , your chest , neck , good Nico keep breathing gently , thats it. Relax”

within moments Nico was fast asleep , Eero kept his hands on the pressure points on nicos forehead and chest for a few more moments before moving away.  
“Your energy field is so messed up, hmmm I think I can fix this. Your aura is still innocent but masked by a malice and selfishness you must learn to be truly selfless then you will get back what you desire”

Pauli stuck his head through the curtain and looked at Eero “you talking crap to yourself again Buda boy? Look see you’ve bored the pretty one to death, he has literally died listening to your waffle!” Eero sneered, if only they all knew, but they where so quick to dismiss him. He played along regardless.

“Is lauri still releasing the contents of his stomach , or have him and aki finally consummated there relationship?” Pauli stuck two fingers in his mouth and made gagging noises, he did not approve of homosexual jokes involving there close friends nor did he want that image in his head.

“if those two screw , imma put one or both of ehm out of his misery and run over him with the bus…after flogging him naked and rolling him off a hill…a really high one!” Eero nodded along and put his vacant expression back on his face shrugged and replied

“ok!” Pauli patted his head and left him to it. 

Sebastian had slept on the couch and it had been a rough night. He had woken up in the early hours of the morning with pains in his chest, side and lower back. Pretty quickly it became evident that he had sustained some kind of injury from the car accident, even if it was only whiplash. Around 6 am he couldn’t handle the pain any longer and slid of the couch his feet hitting the cold floor , he winced and held his side hobbling over to the kitchen where he started opening cupboards looking for painkillers. A glass fell out of one of the cabinets and hit the floor with a loud smash. Sebastian grimaced and cursed then stood stalk still, the house was still silent. He sighed in relief, he hadn’t woken anyone. He knelt down to start picking up the glass shards 

“What the hell are you doing?” Came a rather pissed of Finnish accent from behind him making him jump and a shard of glass sliced into his knee. He yelped in pain and fell backwards onto his bum grasping his leg the blood seeping between his fingers. Kimi darted to the sink and ran a cloth under look warm water, he knelt down and batted Sebastian’s hand away pressing the cloth to the wound Sebastian’s face contorted in pain 

“ah , it hurts! Ah!” kimi pressed the cloth hard against the sliced flesh. Sebastian bit his lip screwing his eyes shut in pain.

“ah!” he cried out. 

“shut up , don’t be such a baby. Its just a bit of glass” Sebastian bit his lip harder and whimpered trying not to seem like such a big kid on front of kimi. Kimi glanced at his face it was obvious he was fighting back tears. When kimi removed the cloth to look he realized it was actually a pretty long deep gash and no wonder the kid was in so much pain. He replaced the cloth grabbed Sebastian hand and placed it ontop of it muttering the command 

“Hold, tightly” Sebastian did as he was told and pressed the cloth tightly against the wound. Kimi got up and retrieved his first aid kit from the kitchen. When he got back Sebastian had let a few tears fall but instantly perked up when he saw him and heaved in a deep breath.

Kimi sprayed some antiseptic spray on the wound to clean it placed some cotton patches over it and wrapped it in gauze the whole time Sebastian screwed his eyes shut and whimpered. Kimi patted his leg when he was finished.

“There, done” seb opened his eyes and looked down at his leg, it was all wrapped up completely neat and tidy almost as good as you would get at a hospital. Kimi put the bloody cloth in the bin and replaced the first aid kit. Sebastian started to clean up the remaining glass but kimi caught his arm and shoved him away.

“I don’t want any more blood on my kitchen floor idiot, go lay down over there” Sebastian hobbled back to the couch and watched kimi clean up cursing something under his breath in Finnish about annoying German kids. Sebastian putt his head on his knees and hugged them to his chest , no one wanted him around he was just a menace.

As kimi walked past him to go back to his room Sebastian muttered “sorry kimi”. Kimi stopped dead in his tracks and glanced over.

He sighed and went to sit next to Sebastian.

“im awake now anyway” he mumbled and flicked on the tv. Sebastian shuffled a little closer to him and pretended to look at the screen, in reality he just wanted to be close to someone. Kimi was pretty oblivious as his favorite Finnish sitcom started and he lounged back on the couch.


	68. here we go again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everything is going round in circles and some would be forgiven for thinking the drama may never end!

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/mika1david1.jpg.html)

Around eight am James emerged, his hair disheveled and clad in knee length shorts , topless. Sebastian giggled and kimi drew his attention away from the tv long enough to make a face at the state of his father.

“Isa! Get dressed!” James waved a hand at him dismissively and Sebastian continued to giggle. James ran a glass of water for himself drank it and filled the glass for Niki.

Before he returned to the spare room he turned to Sebastian “enjoy your last few carefree hours on vacation with us seb , will need to call mika soon, he will be frantic with worry”

Kimi watched Sebastian’s happy demeanor instantly slip away , Sebastian looked at his hands and nodded

“yeah ok” he said sadly , James returned to Niki closing the door behind him and kimi turned his attention to Sebastian muting the tv.

“Spill” he said without any kind of explanation, seb looked at him funny

“spill? Huh? I don’t understand..” kimi made a face and rolled his eyes muttering again in Finnish about ‘annoying Germans’.

“why .do .you. not .want. to .go. back” kimi said slowly emphasizing each word like Sebastian was some kind of idiot. Seb scrunched up his nose clearly unhappy at being mocked, kimi was greatly amused by it and laughed. When seb heard that happy noise escape kimis throat his eyes went a little wider and he couldn’t help the huge grin that crossed his face, he pointed at kimi 

“hey! You laughed! I didn’t know you could laugh like that!” kimi’s face returned to normal again and he crossed his arms

“what’s that supposed to mean?” kimi put on his best angry face and Sebastian shrunk into the couch a tense moment passed before kimi laughed again

“I like you, you’re easy to tease. Now spill” Sebastian sat back up right and nudged kimi gently with his shoulder

“I don’t like living in Germany with keke , all alone without even nico, even though Nico hates me. id rather stay with mika and his new partner” kimi raised an eyebrow, he had visited mika often in Finland after his return and had never heard nor seen a ‘new partner’.

“who is it?” kimi asked again Sebastian looked confused 

“whos who?” kimi shook his head getting frustrated , Sebastian would need to learn kimis ways and fast because he knew he was constantly aggravating the older boy.

“new partner! Who is it?” Sebastian looked down at the floor for a moment as if trying to decide whether or not to spill his fathers secret to kimi.

“you can t say anything, he just introduced me to him …and then keke showed up and there was a massive fight. Its David” kimi thought for a moment…he did not know a David. Then he remembered..

“coulthard?!” kimi yelled surprised. Sebastian waved his hands to shush him.

“no one knows! Don’t tell your dads ok? Please?” kimi nodded, he could keep a secret.

The sound of the phone ringing interrupted their conversation. Kimi padded across the cold floor in his bare feet to retrieve the phone. Sebastian noted how the freezing floor boards barely made him flinch.

“moy” kimi said and Sebastian waited eagerly on the couch wanting to tell kimi more about his predicament. 

“kimi? Kimi…where are your fathers? I have been calling there house , no one will answer . I must talk with them!” it was mika and he sounded panicked

“they are here, what’s happened?” there was a thick Scottish accent in the background , so David was there after all. Kimi could also hear keke screaming at mika in Finnish.

“shut up! Both of you!” mika screamed back “sorry kimi, to many people. Sebastian and Nico are both missing!” kimi was about to say Sebastian was with him when he caught the last part of mikas sentence, Nico was missing.

“Nico? Nicos missing? What! Since when?” Sebastian stood from the couch, kimi was tense he was clutching the receiver that little bit tighter.

“Kimi I have to talk to your fathers!” mika said urgently

“No! What’s happened Nico then ill let you talk to them” kimi screamed. Niki and James emerged from the room together and looked at seb who was looking rather frightened. Niki approached kimi and James put an arm round Sebastian to console him.

“kimi who’s on the phone?” kimi drew Niki a warning look clearly not wanting interrupted, Niki took a step back in fear.

“Tell me now!” kimi bellowed down the phone.

“we don’t know! Lewis Hamilton called and said Nico had disappeared after they went clubbing in London! Put your fathers on the phone now! Sebastian is gone as well!” Kimi shoved the phone at Niki and stormed off to his room frantically packing a bag.

“mika?” Niki asked 

“niki! Ow god niki , both the boys are gone! Sebastian and Nico are gone! There missing , Nico went missing in London and Sebastian went out and did not come home!” Niki tried to quickly think up a good explanation for having Sebastian with them and not calling to inform mika

“Mika, we have Sebastian” there was silence on the other line

“What?” mika breathed out relieved but also sounding both shocked and confused.

“we …found him by the road side yesterday evening, we where on our way to Switzerland to see kimi so we took him with us. Sorry we didn’t call…hes fine him and kimi have been uhm , bonding” Niki waited for what seemed like eternity for mika to reply

“ow…uhm well im glad hes safe but im not happy that you didn’t call to at least tell me ya?” Niki had to wait as mika explained to what sounded like keke who was clearly freaking out in the background

“Niki , Nico is gone. He went missing at a club in London! Can you help us? Please we need everyone to help us! his karting team mate Lewis said your son lauri was watching Nico at some dingy bar and he had a strange friend with him, Lewis thinks this friend of your sons did something to our Nico! Can you contact lauri?”

Niki felt a lump form in his throat, contact lauri? That was a near impossible task. How could he admit that he didn’t even know where his youngest son was? He felt so ashamed, he looked to James with pleading eyes, James left Sebastian’s side and placed a hand on nikis shoulder , Niki turned to him and explained everything quickly. James took the phone off him.

“mika? Its James , we cant get hold of lauri , we don’t know where he is..” just then Sebastian cut in 

“I do! The bands on tour, last stop was the UK so..next they are….in France!” James and Niki looked at Sebastian like he was some kind of genius.

“scrap that mika your youngest son is brilliant, he says lauris band is in France next. Me and niki and kimi will drop seb to you then head for whatever city they are playing in and talk to lauri, im sure Nico is fine please don’t worry to much and if lauri knows anything he will tell us”

Kimi stormed past with his bag and made for the door , Niki blocked him.

“stay right there! Your brother saw Nico in London and mika says a friend of lauris might have done something with Nico. Calm down and wait with us we are all going to go see your brother” kimi stood and faced Niki staring at him but Niki stared back not giving in , kimi dropped his ruck sack and folded his arms turning to James 

“Get of the fucking phone then! Lets go!” Kimi yelled over at his father, Niki swatted his shoulder  
“do not talk to him like that! We brought you up with more respect!” James glared at kimi clearly disappointed in his use of profanity and clear display of disrespect. He finished of talking to mika. 

Before he got ready to leave he made sure to face kimi and give him a much needed talking down

“Do not ever speak to me like that again young man. Understood?” kimi averted his eyes and nodded muttering an apology.

“I didn’t hear that” James said un amused

“sorry!” kimi yelled Niki pushed James away from there son seeing him grow more impatient.

“right enough! Seb get dressed kid we have to leave now” Sebastian was more than a little shaken and in his rush to get ready doubled over in pain, it was then that Niki and James noticed his bandaged up knee but didn’t comment. Niki grabbed him and sat him back on the couch. He examined seb quickly and turned to James

“whiplash and I think its bad” James groaned and turned to kimi.

“stay with him? Please kimi” kimi punched the wall so hard that his knuckles split, Sebastian hid his face in Nikis shoulder.

“no!” kimi screamed “im going to find Nico! And my brother! Screw all of you!” 

Niki walked slowly over and held kimis biceps looking him firmly in the eyes , he brought one hand to his back and moved it in gentle circular motions. Kimi seemed to slowly calm down.

“its ok, its ok kimi relax remember before? All these feeling, all the anger it gets you nowhere. Now lets all get ready calmly and get to the airport” James helped Sebastian and carried him down the stairs placing him in the hire car first stop for him would need to be the emergency room. Niki rode with kimi in his custom Ferrari straight to the airport. James managed to fish information out of Sebastian about what had happened his knee and he grinned knowingly when Sebastian described how gentle yet firm kimi had been with him.


	69. heartbreaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico starts to get under Eeros skin, the longer hes around the more drawn the kind young man is to him.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-04at222529.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1229432471.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/red_aki.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-04at222128.png.html)

Nico glanced out the tour bus window, the highway and scenery was flying past in a flash of grey, green and blue. Suddenly he remembered that lauri had confessed that they meant to kidnap him, so they had done it after all? 

When he’d woken Eero was gone and he was to frightened to look out of the curtain incase aki caught sight of him. There was the heavy stench of marijuana in the air and Nico had figured it was stashed away under the couches. He felt pretty sick and resigned himself to the fact he wasn’t getting home any time soon. He took comfort in the fact lauri had also said that they meant to ‘drop him off’ somewhere. He hoped sooner rather than later!

After awhile though awful scenarios began running through his head, what if something went wrong and he ended up injured or worse dead! Would he make his formula 2 debut? Would he ever see his parents again? Would he see kimi ever again? Was this it? 

Nico broke out in a cold sweat; finally he mustered enough courage to peer through the curtain. The aisle was empty and the bus was not huge which meant everyone was in their bunks, Nico hoped asleep. He pulled the curtain slowly and stood on shaky legs and quietly made his way down the aisle. Surely he could convince the driver to let him off? Then he would either run or try and hitch a ride. 

As he padded down the aisle taking very slow calculated steps he started to pass Lauri’s bunk. The curtain was drawn only slightly and Nico could see his messy black hair and his bare chest rising and falling softly, in the moment it took him to stop and steal a glance there was an arm on his shoulder and he cursed.

“Going somewhere Blondie?” Nico turned and there was aki, he backed away a little as aki advanced on him slowly.

 

“you got something for lau? Hmm? You think hes attractive? Wanna screw him? Want him to screw you? Nice an rough, that how you like it?” Nico shook his head furiously 

“no! no I swear, I knew him when we where kids seriously there’s nothing going on!” aki sneered and folded his arms

“ah yes your hot for kimi. I know all about it, see me and lau share, he knows all bout me and I know all bout him , so naturally I know all bout your precious kimi and you and your little brat brother , your dads, his dads , do you know what that means? I bet you don’t but you’ll find out” Nico was actually terrified, the last time he felt fear like this was when the ice had cracked beneath him as a child and he had fallen into the darkness. 

This was a different fear though, he wasn’t scarred from himself he was terrified for his family and the people he cared for he had no idea what this guy could do but he already had a feeling he was dangerous. And what was worse, he had lauri, Nico didn’t know how significant that might be but he suspected aki was using lauri to insight some kind of twisted revenge.

Just as aki moved foreword again Eero hopped out of his bunk and Nico thought he might never have felt such relief in his life.

“You are disrupting my energy flow! I cannot insure success for us if you insist on being so loud! Ow, hello Nico , your awake how’s the aura this morning” Eero pushed past aki and placed his hands either side of Nicos head without actually touching him , closed his eyes and hummed . Nico couldn’t help wanting to laugh but stayed still and smiled a little then Eero made him jump as he dropped his hands and said 

“Excellent! Some bad energy has dissipated! Ah relief!” he turned to aki and made a displeased face “you on the other hand…I don’t think I can save you. your fucked” Nico did laugh at that and Eero steered him towards of the front of the bus and the tiny kitchen much to Nicos relief.

Aki crawled back into his bunk above lauris and Nico sighed relieved and sunk into the couch across from the kitchen. Eero cooked and he watched vaguely interested, they ate in silence and when he felt a little less shaken he leaned foreword towards Eero and whispered

“I have to get home, I think your band mate is up to something…please help me?” Eero didn’t look up from his soup and instead brought a finger to his lips in a silencing gesture. Then said simply.

“he’s chasing a storm, let it swallow him” Nico sank back into his seat , he wasn’t good with metaphors.

“What’s this really all about? Its more than just kimi isn’t it? What else is going on here?” finally Eero looked at him 

“You’d be wise to play along for now, like me and ask no questions. Trust me. Consider this a little vacation just enjoy the ride ” Nico wasn’t sure he did trust this man. Then again no one else had been as kind to him, not even lauri had made any attempt to check on him or showed any concern for his welfare.

The next evening the bus finally stopped, it was pitch black out and two vans pulled up alongside it. Nico watched as a bunch of roadies scarpered to and from between the vans and a large building a few feet away on the right. Pauli exited the bus first Eero second which made nico’s heart sink , he was by followed lauri last was aki , the driver was long gone and as Nico stood to follow them aki locked the bus door from the outside , all the windows where also locked . He was trapped. 

Nico banged the window and yelled hoping that one of the roadies or Eero would notice him. But everyone had seemed to disappear. Nico banged harder.

“help! Help!” it was pathetic, here he was stuck on a tour bus in the middle of god knows where, terrified of some big shot douche bag drummer. If Lewis could see him now , ow how the mighty had fallen. He wasn’t the life of any party anymore and this was a rather large wake up call. 

“Kimi” he mumbled into the glass tears falling from his eyes.

“Kimi I need you, kimi please” 

Outside the bus Eero could hear nicos pleas , his heart was tearing in two . He had made a decision. He was helping Nico escape. He would wait for the opportune moment and smuggle him out. This whole thing was wrong and Eero knew he couldn’t be part of it any longer. With a heavy heart he walked towards the venue to play a show he knew he couldn’t put his all into , visions of a beautiful blonde paying on his mind.


	70. your see through walls are falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sebastian and kimi clash on the journey to france.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-06-23at145958.png.html)

Kimi sat up front with Niki it was the first time in his life he had been in James seat in the cockpit. himself and lauri had always been kept mostly in the back with the comfortable chairs and an attendant to make them food and wait on them. The joy he would have once felt at this privilege was overshadowed with nerves and anger , he barely noticed the rolling clouds or the city light beneath them , where once he would have been fascinated and even held a feeling of triumph at gaining his fathers place In the cockpit from him, kimi just felt a numbness.

As Niki had suspected Sebastian had a bad case of whiplash which could take anything from a few weeks to a few months to go away. They caught the next commercial flight to Paris to hook back up with Niki and kimi. Before James and Sebastian boarded , he contacted mika. him and keke had also planned to arrive in France but James told them firmly that they couldn’t wait for them because of Kimi and if they found Nico first they would let them know. James knew that kimi would just cause a bigger fuss if they where delayed.

When they landed in France Niki had already arrived, kimi was still on edge and he didn’t even acknowledge Sebastian or ask how he was. Sebastian wisely kept his mouth shut, and was the quietest he’d been since the car accident. Niki observed that he kept glancing at kimi with a strange longing look in his eyes and he noticed how his face would show instant displeasure every time Nico was mentioned.

But it was Sebastian that would be key to finding him , he knew the venue and the town where the gig was, he even knew the time. There was no possibility of getting a connecting flight and nikis private plane would need clearance and fuel again the best they could do was get an overnight train. Kimi was growing more restless by the second; Niki constantly had to massage the back of his neck to attempt to distract him. 

Silently Niki hoped that he could convince lauri to come home with them and take kimi back as well , spend a few weeks as a family again before kimis big race and ease off the tensions and bad feeling that had been bubbling over for to long. He hoped lauri hadn’t been stupid and done something with Nico. Niki believed he knew his son better than that, it wouldn’t be lauri who would do any harm but his knew companion’s Niki had no knowledge of , and kimi was shaken up enough to make Niki fearful. Was there someone they should be weary of in Lauris Company? 

On the train Nikis mind worked over time, but he couldn’t burden kimi with questions, after all its not like kimi knew any more than he did and they didn’t know for sure that Nico was even with lauri, it was just a panicked assumption from nico’s team mate Lewis. But if he wasn’t with the band, then where was he?

Niki hoped he was with them, and maybe it was all a misunderstanding , something along the lines of , they had invited him to a show and he had neglected to tell anyone. Young people did those kinds of things, James was the worst! That made him smile a little, he glanced at James who was focusing on keeping Sebastian amused with some card games , james cheated , Niki knew this. But he was so far letting Sebastian win , much to the kids delight.  
Then Niki realized, Sebastian looked young but actually he must be a teenager now! Time had gone so fast, Niki missed the old days.

“seb?” Sebastian looked up at him and smiled 

“yes uncle niki?” uncle Niki? Only Nico had referred to him and James as his uncles. Niki liked it , it made him feel connected to the happy go lucky kid.

“how old are you now seb? Im sitting here thinking you’re still a child still but kimi and Nico are almost 22 years old so your obviously a teenager” Sebastian grinned and giggled his bright eyes lit up and Niki couldn’t help grin back .

“everyone thinks im twelve!! Actually im almost seventeen! …Well soon still sixteen just now!” Niki nearly chocked , sixteen?! He did look twelve Niki agreed on that point.

Kimis eyes also seemed to go a little wider as he threw seb a glance, he had been sitting by the window pretending not to be listening.

“well I knew how old he was” James winked at seb and Sebastian made a face 

“no you didn’t! don’t even lie uncle James!” James patted his back and kimi felt blood rising all the way to his ears, he thudded his fist on the table drawing three sets of eyes to him, he was focused on Sebastian who was now sinking lower into the seat.

“They are not your uncles, we are not related. Understand!” Sebastian nodded timidly. Niki grabbed kimis arm tightly and leaned in to whisper in his ear.

“Enough, you are really trying my patience” kimi glared at him and pulled his arm away re focusing his attention out the window.

“ignore him Sebastian, as you observed so keenly in the car on the way to the apartment . hes still grumpy , Nico always said we where his uncles and your nicos brother so I think it seems logical” James rubbed his back and Sebastian nodded and attempted to smile but Niki saw tears forming in his eyes and his chest was heaving a little his lip was trembling, he was trying so hard not to cry, especially on front of kimi. Kimi prayed on weakness it was trait Niki found very distasteful about him. Once again kimi glanced sideways, he saw Sebastian struggle not to burst into tears.

“im just gonna go to the bathroom” kimi watched as Sebastian stood and fled down the aisle out of first class . Niki and James turned to him in unison but before they could open there mouths to lecture kimi , kimi stood and pushed past Niki .

“ill get him, I didn’t mean it. Sorry” and without another word he to disappeared down the aisle , after Sebastian.

Luckily the carriage was mostly deserted and those who where on board where fast asleep or listening to music. Kimi stood outside the toilet and could hear the distinctive sounds of chocked sobbing. He felt an unusual pang of guilt rise in the pit of his stomach, he never felt guilty about anything unless it was something awful that he had done, he had no idea why he was even giving a damn about this kid, but here he was . He knocked on the bathroom door and the sobbing stopped.

“ill be right out” came the shakey voice from inside. Sebastian slid open the door and was obviously expecting an angry passenger, when he muttered “sorry” without looking up and made to walk away. Kimi caught the back of his hoodie and pulled him backwards.

Sebastian turned and kimis heart sunk a little further in his chest. His eyes where all puffy and red and his nose looked raw from him rubbing it with toilet paper . He looked very upset , more upset than he should be about kimis little outburst , kimi suspected he was either massively over reacting or something else was going on.

“uhm..look im..” kimi swallowed , now wasn’t a good time to loose his words. He still had that problem from time to time. 

“im sorry” he finally blurted out . Sebastian just gazed at him dumbfounded and sniffed a little. Kimi was completely at a loss when he once again started to bubble up then completely broke down and cried. Kimi glanced round them. No one was watching , in fact hardly anyone was awake.

He pushed Sebastian into the toilet. “What the fuck…stop crying!” that made him worse, kimi couldn’t handle this kind if situation he wasn’t good at this kind of thing.

Finally though Sebastian started to rant, tears staining his cheeks and making his lips moist, his nose starting to run again 

“why do you have to be so horrible! I nearly got killed I just didn’t wanna go home I didn’t mean to gate crash on you! All everyone cares about is nico! What about me? Mika has a new partner and keke is always angry and everyone and always so mad about everything! Niki and James are still together and they love each other and they love you and you’re so mean! Why are you so mean? You’ve got everything! I wish I was you! No one wants me!”

Sebastian cried harder putting his head in his hands 

“I want my dads!” he cried out. Kimi felt his own eyes stinging at the corners. Sebastian had hit a nerve. Niki and James had put there lives on hold every time kimi needed them, he was selfish and it took this scrawny emotional wreck of a teenager to make him notice. He had some serious making up to do with his fathers and his brother. In a completely un characteristic gesture of comfort he pulled Sebastian foreword and wrapped his arms around him. Sebastian buried his face in his chest, kimi felt his tears soaking his t shirt. Kimi felt a little murmur of relief as Sebastian’s shaking subsided and he stilled in his arms.


	71. freedom fighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki is struck with the very real possibility that something from his or james past is about to come back to haunt them....

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/18354_313158728023_3745294_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/hof_profile_right_221.jpg.html)

 

Niki and James had sat in silence for sometime when over Nikis shoulder and across the aisle James spotted a gentleman reading a French paper with kimi on the back page, but it wasn’t just kimi there was a female in his lap and he had his hand up her skirt both of them sucking each others faces and although James French was bad he could decipher that the headline said 

“trashy kimi, lives it up in Switzerland” James face went pale, Niki glanced at him then followed his eye line looking round and noticing the paper.

Then Niki remembered what kimi had said on the phone 

“the media has written awful things here in Switzerland I didn’t do half of the things they said! I don’t know why they are making this stuff up!” 

Niki having seen the image had to admit he was doubting kimis innocence. He turned to James.

“Damage control or should we just leave him to it?” James looked thoughtful

“to be honest Niki they wrote worse about me and they will just end up saying it was my bad influence, he will drive like you and fuck like me, or so they will say. I think we’ve always had our suspicions about which traits he picked up from each of us. Leave him to it, they will always find something to write about” Niki looked utterly dejected but James was right, the media would always be in there lives and they couldn’t save kimi from it anymore.

When kimi and Sebastian re emerged Niki and James refrained from questioning them. Sebastian had clearly been very upset but was calm now, and even kimi seemed more at ease. James returned to there card games and kimi silently rested his head on Nikis shoulder sighing and closing his eyes, he placed his hand in Nikis lap which Niki held tightly and kissed his forehead. Sometimes kimi was just to precious to stay mad at, he still melted Nikis heart just like the first time he laid eyes on him when he was a tiny helpless bundle who’s world had just fallen apart, Niki found it so hard to believe that at one point he had almost given up on raising a child with James as he seemed not to bond with any of them. Kimi had just instantly stolen his heart. 

When they finally arrived at their destination they got a cab to the venue. Sebastian sat next to kimi the whole time rubbing his hands together nervously, it was obvious he was worried for nico.

When they got to the venue There were lines upon lines of kids, teenagers and burly tattooed pierced adults all dressed in black queuing round , waiting for the show. In massive lettering above the door was ‘the RASMUS’. Niki and James were totally in awe of the amount of people.

“Should we try and get in?” James asked Niki, Sebastian looked hopeful.

“Says sold out” Niki replied pointing to a large poster by the door.

“if Nico was here he would be inside would he not?” james said, Niki nodded and gazed at the crowd seeing if he noticed a familiar head of blonde hair.   
“Maybe…then again he might be at the hotel?” niki added , then Sebastian cut in- 

“Bands don’t stay at hotels they have a tour bus and entourage of other buses for crew and vans for equipment, the buses will be round back or in a local parking lot” Niki and James glanced at each other , without Sebastian this would have been a wild goose chase.

Kimi started walking towards the venue Niki and James raced after him followed by Sebastian. James grabbed his arm.

“hey! Slow down, don’t go up there like some kind of soldier there’s now way they will let you round the back…we need some kind of plan. No point in charging in that won’t help Nico, if he is even here”

Just then Sebastian pointed frantically but kept his voice low so as not to alert the queuing fans

“That’s one of the band!” he hissed through gritted teeth “that guy over there in the alley way!” Niki , James and kimi looked in the direction Sebastian was pointing.

Kimi recognized him to, from the album cover , it wasn’t the guy he had beaten up, nor was it lauri. 

“Ill go over , no kimi you stay here” kimi had made to follow Niki but Niki had blocked his approach , for once kimi decided he better listen, it was time to start trusting others as his own instincts usually always got him in nothing but trouble.

They watched as Niki approached the ally way.

The figure moved further away as Niki drew closer but stopped once they where both far enough out of sight.

“im one of Lauri’s parents I understand your in the band? Any chance we could speak with him briefly before the show?” 

The figure shook his head, no.

“but, I know why you’re here. He’s ok, for now. If you make a wrong move though I cant promise ‘you’ will be ok, its already started” Niki didn’t like the sound of that. He didn’t appreciate being threatened.

“what’s started? You listen to me boy if anything happens that kid all your lives are over we will see you rot in cells if even a hair on his head has been misplaced”

The youngster looked worried “please, I am not trying to make threats , its just you don’t know what going on here , I hope you would be so kind as to trust me, for both your sons sake, and nico’s” Niki was taken back by that comment , what did any of this have to do with kimi or lauri?

“are my sons in some kind of trouble?” Niki asked his voice low and forceful. He wasn’t taking anymore of this cryptic nonsense.

“My names Eero, you may remember, once not so long ago me and Pauli drove lauri and aki to a show in Helsinki ? They where underage but you didn’t press charges against us. I thank you for that, however that night in Helsinki our drummer discovered something…something that could ruin your family. Not so much publicly although I am sure the press would love the stories, but more from within, if you think you have troubles now you have no idea what aki could do to you all with this information” Niki suddenly felt a pang of fear rise within him. Him and James had many secrets his mind was racing to try and come up with which one might have leaked out that would be that serious. He drew a blank, he didn’t know what this information might be but this guy obviously did.

Niki moved foreword until they where eye level , the youth was surprisingly calm which irked Niki.

“aki? The skinny kid with glasses? And what would this information be exactly?, and why does this have anything to do with Nico? Or our boys” Niki watched as Eero cast his eyes down and chewed his lip.

“trust me hes no skinny kid with glasses anymore…and I can’t say because I don’t know everything, I have been trying to find out. And its because kimi beat on aki in a club that’s everything’s boiled over, aki had pictures he wasn’t going to use but he did, you might have seen kimi all over the sports pages today ? That was aki. he’s systematically trying to destroy kimi , he has a major grudge against your family . And it was Lauri’s decision to…do something to Nico as a way of revenge for aki , Lauri’s heart is soft though and he couldn’t hurt Nico in the end, but somehow Nico still managed to end up exactly where aki wanted him. I don’t know all of what my band mate has on your family all I can say is if you trust me ill get Nico to you. Its all been one big mess and Nico is scarred I just want to help, I want it all to be over. I am not a bad guy sir neither is your son , please trust me”

Niki didn’t feel he had a choice 

“Fine, you have my attention. When will we have Nico?” Eero looked over niki’s shoulder and spotted kimi then returned his gaze to meet Nikis.

“After the show ill meet kimi at the side door , give him this pass. It will get him threw security. It has to be kimi that does this. He’s the only one aki is afraid of. I am sorry about lauri, maybe you’ll see him again some day . For now he just wants left alone. Please respect his wishes” Eero handed Niki a backstage pass and quickly shuffled away pulling his hood up so as not to be recognised by the crowd.


	72. Hell in Helsinki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a young Aki discovers things that would change his and lauris lives forever...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/launaki2.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-06at140320.png.html)

-Flashback-

They had just arrived in Helsinki, Pauli had driven like a bat out of hell and Eero had amused everyone by praying the hardest he had ever prayed to Buda that they wouldn’t crash and die!

Lauri had leaned against aki in the back seat giggling and buzzing with excitement, aki’s sister had just re styled Lauri’s hair it was in tidy spikes and dyed platinum blonde. Aki liked the look on him. allot. It was also Lauri’s birthday which made the gig even more special! 

There first show? He could hardly contain his excitement!

He was nervous just before going on stage but as soon as lauri grasped that microphone, they where the highlight of the evening! Girls where screaming guys where in awe, everyone was jumping and afterwards people asked did they have a cd to sell, lauri had some tapes, which he gave to a few people. They hadn’t really come prepared. They had partied hard afterwards and all of them had almost gotten laid, almost. 

Aki had wandered the streets for awhile just to take in the Helsinki night life, there was some stalls set up outside some old coffee shops he took a look at some of the old records and books on sale.

A conversation he over heard grasped his attention, muffled voices from somewhere next to him.

“Did you see that kid? He’s James hunt’s son…well not really” the first voice had laughed

“ha! That guy, don’t even talk to me about that guy, you have no idea what hes done!” aki recognized that voice, he listened a little closer.

“Why what’s up with him? Hes kinda hot I’d do him if he wasn’t gay!” came the first voice again.

“hes a serial cheat! Hes a complete prat! They are sitting in that house playing happy families, well hes got many ‘families’… Luckily only I know about his little secret so far because of mum but who knows who else has the info! Him and that family is fucked up and based on all his lies. I hope he rots, shame for those kids I hear the oldest one has anger issues and lauri? Well he’s cute and lively but they will suck that out of him, or James will”

The second voice was akis sister, he was positive. He was too fearful to look round in case he was right. What where they even talking about James hunt for? The first voice cut in again

“What do you mean hes got more families?” there was a silence then the female voice aki identified as his sister cut in

“You cannot tell anyone! …My mum knows a women who slept with hunt, not just slept with him, had two sons with him! In England! And they are still fucking married! All those little business trips his lover thinks he’s on, he’s with his fucking wife! Also, my mum slept with him as well way back years and years ago , it was a massive shock when aki brought lauri home my mum nearly died to know James had an adopted son! And not one but two adopted sons AND lived with a man! Of course he doesn’t remember my mother, he doesn’t remember half of who he slept with! BUT he did it whilst with his precious partner Lauda and whilst they had kimi! The two boys in england must be lauris age or younger, But that’s not all, you know how aki is a one night stand child? Well he is hunts as well! and id put money on it! They have gone and adopted two kids when he already has one of his own living practically round the corner! And two more in England!!! My mum will never admit to it, but I know its true, poor aki.”

Aki nearly chocked he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It was his sister talking there was no doubt and she wasn’t finished

“And I think…aki has hot’s for there lauri, he’s got issues... Aki is to young and stupid to see it but lauri crawls through akis window and into our house some nights and sometimes he just cries, but once I saw him come out of the shower and there was nothing but bruises and welts on his arms I think he hurts himself…. its kinda messed up when you think about it , someone so young beating on himself….” aki fled the scene, he had heard enough.

He passed a clear glass window on the way back to the venue and gazed at his reflection, he knew what hunt looked like. He picked lauri up sometimes after school. Aki stared hard at himself in the window and thought he had started to see a series of resemblances, his blue eyes, his jaw, his nose… but that wasn’t all, had lauri been self harming? All the hairs on akis body stood on end and he ran back to the venue he needed to get to lauri, he had to know if it was true and if so lauri needed his help. 

But when he got back lauri was happily drunk and there was a girl pleasuring him, he looked happy enough. Aki thought momentarily he’d imagined the voices but then his sister and tall dark man with green eyes waved in his direction and he knew then that it was all real, lauri had to know. 

Aki didn’t have the heart to tell him yet. Someday he would, lauri deserved the truth he deserved to know who was raising him and why he felt so isolated and neglected. Aki couldn’t break his spirits that night and they continued to party completely lost in the post concert haze completely elated and joyful except for him, he found a corner and sulked he preferred his mothers story that his father was some unknown faceless one night stand, that was far less painful than this.

In the corner out of sight he cried.


	73. In the valley of deception, flows a river of tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eero race's against time to save Nico , will he succeed?  
> How deep do Aki's scars run?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/AKIBampP8.jpg.html)

Niki and James found a café and sat with Sebastian, kimi refused to come in with them and stood pacing outside the venue doors. Two hours passed then the crowd flooded outside and headed straight for the stage door in hopes of meeting the band. Kimi disappeared into the sea of black and Niki who had been watching through the window, got up to follow him but James caught his hand and shook his head. Kimi had to go alone, that’s what they agreed with the bass player, Eero and they didn’t want Nico in any danger.

Kimi pushed and shoved his way to the front flashing the badge at anyone who drew him a dirty look or even thought about challenging him . The badge clearly stated he was ‘crew’ it got him past everyone and right to the front, security glanced at it nodded and allowed him inside the venue where Eero was waiting. Kimi recognized him from school he had been a few years above him and had hung around with the local school drug supplier, some fat kid named Pauli.

Eero nodded and walked through the backstage area to a door at the back , kimi followed and stood behind Eero at the door , Eero turned to him and gazed over his shoulder as if they might be being watched, he seemed on edge and kimi was starting to feel tense.

“wait here, ill get nico and once I bring him in here you have to both run and try not to be seen” kimi was drawing him a comical look it all seemed really ridiculous. But Eero feared Akis temper and he needed it to look like Nico had escaped.

“Please?” Eero tried noticing how un amused kimi was finding all this “I help you, you help me, ok? Just don’t let any of the band see you and DON’T try to talk with lauri no matter how tempted you get” kimi was about to open his mouth to argue and put this idiot in his place but before he could Eero darted away through the doors. Kimi so badly wanted to follow him but instead he stayed put, he would give them ten minutes and if they didn’t show he was going out there himself.

Nico jumped when he heard the bus doors open, when Eero appeared he smiled through his tears and fell into him. Eero brought his arms round him gingerly as if he wasn’t sure what to do.

“Please Eero, please let me go, you’ve come back to let me go haven’t you? Please say yes. Im so scarred” Nico blubbered into his neck, he was shaking. For the briefest of moments Eero wanted to re lock that door and not let Nico leave, he didn’t know what came over him but having the beautiful helpless youth sobbing in his arms made him feel almost protective, he felt strong like he had some control over this situation, he would loose that control and the ability to keep Nico safe the moment they stepped off the bus. Usually aki and lauri ruled and he followed, this was different. 

After a long drawn out moment, He shook his head, no, there was no way a self-respecting spiritualist like him could ever enforce such a thing on someone innocent, he would take Nico to kimi. He had to let him go. Eero wasn’t what Nico needed.

“its all going to be fine, trust me remember? Now just don’t do any thing stupid there’s someone here to pick you up . Stay close , stay quiet and we can both avoid any unnecessary drama” Nico pulled away and looked at him with some life returning to his eyes , he smiled and nodded. Eero brought a hand to nicos face and gently let his fingers brush against his smooth skin for the briefest of moments.

Quickly He pulled away from Nico , leaving him more than a little confused, and rushed to the bus doors and stuck his head out, the lot was deserted but he could still see and hear hoards of fans at the side of the venue and could vaguely make out lauri and aki signing autographs. Good, he thought to himself, they are both distracted.

He led Nico round to the venue doors and before he even reached them he noticed kimi walking towards them, he had told him to stay put! Kimi spotted them first and stopped, Nico eventually looked up from the gravel of the lot and his breath hitched in his throat. He blinked madly thinking it was his mind playing some cruel trick on him. It wasn’t, kimi was actually there.

Nico ran closing the distance between them as quickly as he could. He slammed into kimi who caught him and hauled him of the ground spinning him round twice before letting him back down holding him tightly. Nico couldn’t pull away he sobbed and sobbed and muttered incoherent nonsense into kimi’s neck. Kimi held him tightly inhaling the smell of his skin and running a hand through his silky blonde hair. The world could end then and he’d be happy. Any anger or hard feeling was gone when Nico was in his arms again, where he belonged.

Stood silently observing them Eero hung his head, his heart felt heavier than it should. He was a realist and knew that someone like Nico would never entertain him with anything more than sympathy or strange glances, still Eero had allowed a small part of himself to be captivated by the boys beauty. In his momentary sorrow he neglected to keep his eyes on his band mates. Aki was behind him.

Eero felt him before he saw him, that sinister energy that seemed to suck the very life out of the air. Eero closed his eyes and mouthed “ow no” aki patted his shoulder mockingly.

“Well done Eero, nice one . now I am spilling on the hunt Lauda clan for sure. Time to melt the iceman, and only you to thank for it.” aki walked off towards the bus and Eero had never felt smaller in his entire life. 

He saw lauri enter the lot out of the corner of his eye with Pauli ; he prayed lauri and kimi didn’t lock eyes. His prayers weren’t answered this time. Lauri froze a few meters from them, kimi saw him over Nicos shoulder and gently released Nico moving past him to approach lauri. 

“lau!” kimi called to him, lauri froze torn between running into kimis arms or running in the opposite direction.

Aki had obviously seen everything from the bus and had raced back over putting himself between kimi and lauri.

“He doesn’t want to speak to you kimi so back off!” kimi was about to push past the new addition to there little gathering when he looked closer and remembered the night at the bar, Aki. Anger rose inside kimi instantly.

He grabbed aki by the shirt forcefully and threw him to the ground hard.

“fuck you, your lucky I didn’t kill you!” he spat. Lauri was instantly by Akis side, aki played injured and groaned holding his ribs, everyone could see that kimi hadn’t shoved him that hard, except Lauri who had been buying into Aki's lies for to long. Before the brothers could get into a fight Nico interjected and grabbed kimis arm.

“leave it kimi, please. Lets go. I wanna go home. Come on” Nico ran his hand down the side of kimis face lovingly , that caught his attention and kimi looked at him his features softening and his fists unclenching. Aki seized his chance, he hooked his ankle under kimis and with a sharp swiping motion knocked kimi clean of balance, Nico yelled in fright and Aki got ontop of Kimi, seizing his arms above his head in one vice like grip and punching him relentlessly in the face with his fist. 

Kimi kicked him repeatedly in the side but aki wouldn’t get off, Kimis head hit the concrete violently each time Aki struck him. Lauri and Nico puled and screamed at aki eventually though kimi and aki where just a mess of violent limbs , blood and feral screaming . Eero pulled Nico out of the way, Lauri made one final attempt to separate them and kimis arm swung round and collided hard with the side of his face knocking him to the ground blood instantly sprouting from his mouth. Nico screamed and fell to the ground clutching lauri whos head had snapped back and hit the concrete.

“STOP IT! STOP! KIMI YOU HIT HIM! ” Kimi was just about to lay another punch into akis now lifeless body when he noticed he had just struck his own brother. Kimi got off aki and rushed to Lauri’s side. Lauri was more shocked than anything else, kimi felt the deepest surge of pain when he saw Lauri’s face . His perfect lips smeared with blood his cheek going black and his eye was cut and swollen and he was starring at kimi in fear.

Eero was kneeling next to aki who was no longer moving, he was saturated in blood , his face barely recognizable, when Nico caught a glance he screamed in horror and kimi looked round. 

What happened next made this possibly the worst night of Kimi’s life, everything began to move in slow motion. Eero and Pauli took turns compressing akis chest and giving him mouth to mouth, he wasn’t moving or breathing and for tense minutes there was no response. Lauri sat there bleeding stunned into silence unable to help, watching as his friends tried desperately to save aki. The sounds of Nicos screaming added even more horror to the scene.

Eero was covered in Akis blood, desperately he battled to save his friend, he couldn’t feel aki anymore, his energy was gone. 

The last thing kimi saw was James and Niki racing towards them, Sebastian’s arms where round him, then he was falling backwards and everything went black.


	74. Night after Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things had once been so different for Aki, it had not always been his intention to disrupt and destroy lives. once he had been someones saviour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here is the song 'night after night' for those who wish to hear it :)
> 
> The Rasmus - Night after night - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF0VQjhrR7M

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/launaki.jpg.html)

\- Flashback - 

Lauri and aki had been banned from seeing one another after there disappearance to Helsinki, but that never stopped them finding away. Night after night lauri climbed through Aki’s bedroom window. And night after night aki held the youngster close as he cried. It was a terrible torturous experience having his young friend falling apart each night in his arms. The first time lauri had climbed through his window it had been a cold winters evening, lauri had been fourteen, chirpy and excited about a song he had written. Every night after had been filled with sorrow and despair. 

Eventually the scars appeared, slashes along Lauri’s forearms small , barely more than scrapes at first then the scrapes turned to gashes which turned into deep angry wounds. Originally aki had accepted Lauri’s excuse that they where sports injuries and that some where from fights at school , but after the night in Helsinki his youthful innocence was marred by the knowledge that Lauri’s scars where self inflicted. 

Lauri was neglected, ignored, forgotten. Aki just didn’t understand, he was so talented and funny how could anyone fail to see him? But they had, especially hunt. 

Lauri always complained how hunt never looked him in the eye, never told him he loved him , never even acknowledged his presence. He told aki how only when Niki was there james seemed to force himself to make an effort. Lauri knew James didn’t want him; aki sympathized but couldn’t tell lauri what he knew. He figured he might die with the secret just so he didn’t hurt lauri.

Night after night Lauri had woken with savage nightmares, Aki often had to wake him in the middle of one because he feared the screams would alert his mother. Lauri’s descriptions of the dreams where disturbing, he was drowning in some and burning in others.

There was nothing aki could do as lauri seemed to fall lower and lower into a pit of darkness. One day aki decided it was time, time to take lauri away from it all, after Lauri’s horrendous military service they had boarded a train to Sweden. Aki had held Lauri’s shaking form as kimi had darted across the platform to catch the train screaming his brothers name. Lauri had sobbed and sobbed aki rocking him gently whispering how everything would be ok. 

It took time and patience but eventually Aki had gotten lauri to stop harming himself, he attached himself to his young friend like glue, never giving lauri the opportunity to be alone with himself , never allowing for him take a knife or a razor to his flesh and every time lauri did manage to slip away unseen aki had become expert at catching him before he hurt himself . Eventually the physical wounds healed leaving white and red scars but the scars on the inside never seemed to go away. 

Lauri had his own bunk on the bus as did everyone, but still he would crawl into akis . There was barely enough room for one person in the bunks so aki would end up on his side against the wall with lauri pressed tightly against him. 

At first aki had just been the supportive friend, the one lauri was closest to, eventually Akis feelings changed and as lauri grew and molded into a charismatic crowd pleasing showman, aki started to become obsessed , obsession turned to infatuation and eventually he couldn’t breath without lauri. 

As time went on lauri didn’t need him as much , eventually aki was no longer subjected to being squashed against the bus wall. Lauri slept in his own bunk at night, he had completely stopped harming himself, his nightmares where less frequent but still there was an odd electricity between them. They attracted one another unconsciously, standing to close for friends, hugging a little to long, staring a little to intently.

lauri would caress his neck absently whilst sitting next to him, aki would stroke Lauri’s face tenderly. They would share the shower , sit together in there underwear and even style one another’s hair. 

What had alerted Eero and Pauli to there strange relationship was when they brought girls onto the bus. Lauri had one against the wall near the kitchen area her legs wrapped round his waist as he pounded into her relentlessly , when Eero had caught aki sitting watching him, his hand in his trousers jerking himself off his eyes never leaving lauri. 

Eero was more than a little disturbed by it. Pauli had his own company that evening and was fucking her in his bunk but eventually he to had also witnessed something similar and no less strange. aki had brought a girl back and both he and lauri had shared her , Pauli caught aki staring into Lauri’s eyes as lauri fucked her and aki held her legs apart for him.

That fateful night at the club , aki hadn’t intended to run into kimi. Lauri had found distractions elsewhere that evening and hadn’t wanted aki involved, aki had sulked , found the nearest club and gotten wasted . 

Then he saw him, kimi. Smug as ever with a girl in his lap . Both of the brothers where just chips off the old block, an insatiable appetite for drink and sex , just like James. The very thought of James angered aki. He took out his camera and snapped photos of kimi. They might come in handy one day.

Then kimi had approached him, aki hadn’t expected that. Quickly everything escalated after he spat abuse at kimi saying –

“your disgusting. I am so glad your brother cant see you now. Mind you he isn’t much better, falling over toilets and girls , he drinks like a fucking fish! I blame you and that idiot father you both had . Fucking arseholes both of you, you ruined that kid. He could have been so much more…. you fucked him up ”

Kimi had quickly cut him down to size. When aki returned wounded, lauri had then hatched the plan to get back at kimi by finding Nico and beating him into oblivion and dropping him off in the middle of nowhere. Not everything went to plan, in fact nothing happened quite how it was supposed to . 

Lauri had sung about his and Akis flawed relationship, there was deep irony in the fact that it had become one of the bands most popular live songs. 

Writing lyrics was the only way lauri could get out everything that was inside him and when he sang he could never be ignored, the lyrics of that song would resonate through the live halls. Aki sat behind his drum set as lauri laid bare there flawed relationship to the world, a song Aki loved to hate and lauri had called it ‘night after night’. It was the last song they had played that evening in France, maybe the last song aki would ever hear lauri sing and it was there’s, it was there song and lauri sang it to no one else but him, the crowd fading into the darkness.

 

Heaven sent you, to bring the answer  
Heaven sent you, to cure this cancer  
For a moment  
Unbeatable chance  
For a moment  
The world in my hands

Like an angel you came  
Everytime when I prayed  
Guardian of my dreams  
Watching me when I sleep  
Like an angel you came  
Everytime when I screamed

Time after time I lose again  
Night after night I wake up shaking  
'Cause my world is breaking  
I'm fool enough to fall again  
Night after night I wake up crying  
'Cause I feel like dying

Still disconnected and unprotected  
Still I'm haunted but unwanted  
For a moment unbreakable stars  
For a moment you stayed in my arms

Like an angel you came  
Everytime when I prayed  
Guardian of my dreams  
Watching me when I sleep  
Like an angel you came  
Everytime when I screamed

Time after time I lose again  
Night after night I wake up shaking  
'Cause my world is breaking  
I'm fool enough to fall again  
Night after night I wake up crying  
'Cause I feel like dying

Time after time I lose again  
Night after night I wake up shaking  
'Cause my world is breaking  
I'm fool enough to fall again  
Night after night I wake up crying  
'Cause I feel like dying

(Time after time I lose again)  
Night after night I wake up shaking  
'Cause my world is breaking  
I'm fool enough to fall again (Fool enough to fall again)  
Night after night I wake up crying  
'Cause I feel like dying


	75. And the day reveals the dreadful betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Death maybe knocking on someones door , but who will answer?   
> What will James do when the guilt overwhelms him?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Former-Formula-1-World-Champion-James-Hunt.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_myu9q4cQZX1rz34emo1_400.jpg.html)

When Aki opened his eyes, he was blinded by a sharp white light flooding his vision. The first thing he noticed was the pain. He couldn’t pin point where it was coming from, his whole body felt like it had been run over various times by some kind of heavy vehicle. 

Aki heard a voice somewhere alerting nurses that he was awake. He remembered everything, tripping kimi, kimi battering him, kimi striking lauri and Nico’s screaming. It played in his head like some kind of morbid stylized horror movie.

Lauri, all aki could think about was those haunting green eyes…. then Suddenly there was a face in his line of vision hovering over him, someone shining a light in his eyes, The light made his head ache and he screwed up his face, then a sharp pain made its way from his temple to his neck, his face felt swollen and it ached. When he re opened his eyes another face appeared a slightly more familiar face. Though it took aki a moment to register who it was.

James, James hunt was staring down at him. Aki had to blink a few times to dispel his disbelief. Then he could hear nurses and doctors talking, and there was tubes being changed and breathing apparatus removed from his throat but all he could do through it all was stare at James. James held his gaze. Through the pain and the all the fussing aki felt one emotion, anger.

Kimi had blacked out in the car park. Sebastian had Brocken his fall, the skinny youth clutching him for dear life as he fell backwards. The doctors assumed he had collapsed from shock or else it was one of the sharp blows to the head he had endured (when aki had momentarily gained the upper hand on him) . 

When Doctors had sedated him to scan his head , it was discovered he had some fluid on the brain so they had kept him under and didn’t release him from hospital. Kimis strike had perforated Lauri’s eardrum and he had also sustained a fracture to his jaw and his eyebrow. One side of his face was black and blue, his lip was burst and had needed stitches. Kimi had struck him hard. 

Aki had sustained the most severe injuries, when they got him to hospital he was barely alive. He had four fractured ribs one of which had pierced a lung allowing blood to flood in and effectively suffocate him. He also had fluid on the brain from head trauma, his knuckles on both hands where bruised some Brocken and his whole face was swollen and bruised. His nose and wrist was Brocken. 

Eero and Nico, the only witnesses had been held at the police station for questioning. Eero defended aki out of fear and Nico defended kimi. Lauri when questioned had also defended aki. Kimi was in serious trouble, again.

The police held off on any charges because kimi had been sedated. It was now a week since the incident and aki had just woken up, kimi was still under and doctors couldn’t give Niki or James accurate information regarding his head injuries . All they said was if they brought him round too soon he may loose some brain function. Niki had agreed for kimi to remain under until the swelling on his brain had gone down. 

Mika and keke had arrived to the mass devastation of that evening; Sebastian had been reluctantly reunited with them and they where less than happy to be grounded in France pending the police investigation which would involve Nico.  
Once again keke had reiterated how much of a menace kimi was and Niki had walked away leaving James to fight if he wanted to.

Before Niki and James had arrived at the scene of the fight Niki had mentioned to James in the café what Eero told him, that Aki had some kind of information that would ‘ruin’ there family.

They tried to keep Sebastian out of ear shot as they both thought long and hard about what from there past’s might have gotten uncovered. James had to put on a show when it finally dawned on him what might have happened, when Niki questioned why he looked so pale suddenly he had made excuses. James knew exactly what would devastate there family, but how did aki have that information? James would need to find out and fast or he would loose Niki and their sons, forever.

So here James stood looking down at the young man who had the keys to his undoing. James felt slightly guilty about interrogating someone his son had just beaten to within an inch of their life. But his entire world might fall apart because of this kid.

When the doctors cleared away, James sat on the edge of akis bedside, aki clenched his fists. He couldn.t move, there was a neck brace holding his head still and the rest of his body felt heavy and unresponsive. He was frightened James might do something to him; after all he was completely helpless. And he could barely see straight without his glasses.

James stare was bearing down on him. 

James had decided it best not to assume aki actually knew anything, he would be tactful and see where he could break the kid. It wouldn’t do him any good to panic.

“Why where you fighting my son?” he asked keeping his voice even, not threatening but not friendly either.

“you don’t care about that” aki smirked , James had his answer aki did know something “your hear” the boy struggled “hear .to..to find out what I know, find out how I can ruin you” 

James leaned in closer and grit his teeth, aki really was terrified now “you listen here boy, whatever you think you know. If you so much as breathe a word and it affects my family, I will do much worse to you than what kimi has done, understand?” 

James stood and walked to the door 

“Nice way to speak to your real son” aki spat, James turned and drew aki a frightful glare then slowly approached the bed again.

“what was that?” he asked gazing down at aki once more.

Aki smiled up at him weakly 

“I feel sorry for you, you don’t even know your own flesh and blood. Really should have been more careful Hunt, might be many more of us out there that you neglected! After all you can even raise your adopted children properly!” 

James turned on his heels and fled the room. He headed straight for the nearest toilet and threw cold water up onto his face. He told himself over and over that this wasn’t happening, the most frightening part was he wasn’t sure he could definitively deny Akis shocking claim. James had many more demons to hide than Niki knew about, but he kept one massive secret in particular, and now it seemed things might be far worse than what he originally feared. 

Kimi was the first face that came to his mind, there poor son was lying there with possible irreversible brain damage with every passing hour his chances of recovery or waking at all slowly slipping away, Niki was by his side whilst also trying to see lauri, who doctors had said didn’t want any contact and Niki by law couldn’t force the issue. 

Niki was battling all of it and James as usual sat back and let him , Niki could take his laziness, he could stand his incompetence he could even survive James utter disregard for what he found important in life but James knew he would never survive the kind of devastation this would rain down on there family if it ever came to light.


	76. Lost and lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James tries to stop the war before it starts. Lauri repents for his actions , was any of it really his fault?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-10at194716.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-10at194813.png.html)

 

James fled France. Unannounced to Niki he simply caught a cab for the airport in the middle of the night leaving him asleep and flew to London. He left a note by Niki’s bedside in their hotel, which read -

I know what’s coming and I have to protect my family.  
I love you all, always. Take care of our boys.  
Ill send word when I can.  
Don’t worry and don’t come looking.  
Remember no matter what I love you Niki.

James

Niki had no idea what to think and instantly he felt abandoned. Just when he needed James the most. He had sat in the hotel room for hours simply staring at the note. Kimi was still not conscious, lauri left with Eero and Pauli to stay in some dingy motel and Aki was stable but had sustained severe injuries. Then it dawned on Niki, maybe James knew something…maybe he knew all along what the drummer of the band was threatening them with? Maybe he knew all along where Nico had been and he was running scared? Nikis mind was racing, all kind of conspiracy theories spinning in his mind. 

Niki did the only thing he could think of, he phoned Ronnie.

“hello, Peterson residence” came the chirpy Swedish accent. Niki had missed that sound.

“hey ron,” Niki answered weakly. It was 4am in France, he had no idea what time it was in Sweden, he hopped he hadn’t woken his friend.

“niki? By the gods niki lauda is actually calling me! don’t need another kidney do you? Im afraid I need this one!” Niki actually smiled, Ronnie was a ray of sunlight always. He never seemed to have any of the drama of Nikis own life. Probably because he had no children.

“ ronnie, I need you. There’s been an awful mess, kimis sick really sick in hospital and James has left me here on my own and I have no idea where he is. My youngest son won’t even look at us and im here all alone. I cant cope I need you, please come”

Niki couldn’t help his voice breaking as he spoke. He had been through so much and he wasn’t sure he would make it out of this one, not this time he could feel his resolve slowly slipping away. Like James had said in his letter, something was coming and he knew he was not prepared.

“no need to ask twice my friend, just tell me where you are and ill be there. Ow and niki? It will be all right. I promise, whatever is happening, it will all be alright”

Ronnie had no idea; Niki couldn’t believe that this time. This time, everything had gone to hell. 

After the phone conversation Niki decided to head to the hospital. Another day ahead of sitting watching kimis pale lifeless body laying there, the sounds of breathing apparatus and his heart monitor making Nikis blood run cold.

The nurses didn’t restrict his visiting hours , for such an important patient they couldn’t . The press had yet to arrive and the whole scandal was yet to make the news. Niki knew sooner or latter a nurse or publicity seeking doctor would make some massive inaccurate story up to sell to the tabloids. He was finding it increasingly hard to care anymore.

When he opened the door to kimis room he wasn’t expecting to find both his sons together. Niki froze in the doorway.

Lauri was hunched over kimi his arms folded across kimis chest his forehead resting on his arms and he was sobbing, his back shaking with each cry. He was mumbling in Finnish over and over again

“im sorry, im sorry” Niki stared for a moment. It occurred to him he hadn’t seen his sons together for quite some time. Now they where both men, and the sorrows of young men where much more painful than the cries of two boisterous young boys. 

This had not been s simple a disagreement over something one owned that the other wanted or a plea for their father’s attention, one hoping to get noticed above the other. No, this brotherly battle had ended in true devastation. 

Niki approached his youngest son slowly. Lauri didn’t even notice him, just continued to cry onto his brother’s chest. Niki placed a hand hesitantly on Lauri’s shoulder, he tensed and stilled. When he looked up at Niki, Niki felt his heart shatter. Those brilliant green eyes where filled with so much emotion. And Niki couldn’t help but notice how much his son had changed. There was a stranger staring back at him. A beautiful stranger.

Lauri starred for a moment his eyes still flowing with fresh tears. Finally he rested his forehead against Nikis side and closed his eyes Niki instantly held him close.

“its all my fault” lauri whispered , his voice hoarse from crying.

“no, don’t talk like that. None of this was your fault.” Lauri pulled away and stood facing Niki, his demeanor changing slowly as he wiped his eyes on the back of his arm. Niki noticed scars along his forearm and he died a little inside. Why hadn’t he seen them before?

Lauri drew a heavy breath. When he next spoke Niki could tell he wasn’t dealing with someone willing to indulge in playing ‘father son’ this man didn’t regard him as any kind of authority over him anymore.

“you don’t get it. You never did. It is my fault. You always tried to make everything out to be someone else’s problem, defending kimi at all costs refusing to see just how imperfect he was, refusing to see me at all. Well, I did this. And this! “ Lauri held up his arms which where littered with healed scars “How does that make you feel? I planned to beat on Nico; I planned to bring him here. I wanted revenge, I wanted this. I knew anything could happen and I let it….and i let him get to me , so much that I was willing to risk kimi. You can’t save me from this , from aki…not that you ever would have. Its to late now and I can’t stop him. Whatever he plans to do.”

Niki approached lauri slowly and it pained him that his own son was backing away.

“look lau, whatever has gone on here. I don’t believe for one second that you would wish this on your own brother! And you did not plan anything it was all an accident! That other boy the one with the brown eyes, he told me. he said you where to kind to soft hearted and I know that already, lauri I raised you remember? And those scars…why didn’t you come to me ? talk to me? I could have helped you I would have listened!”

Lauri hung his head and the light caught the sharp bruise on his face where kimi had stuck him, Niki could see stitches over his eyebrow and along his jaw.

“thats just it though isn’t it? Hes not my brother, not really ,And your not my father nor is James , no one could help me. I had no family, they had gone and left me all alone with nothing. I died every night in my dreams, I woke screaming but you never heard me because i wasn’t there, I was with aki. And I shouldn’t care niki, I don’t want to anymore, but I do , I care about him” lauri pointed at kimi and tears returned to his eyes 

“ he’s so selfish and thoughtless and stupid and I want to shake him! But I still care, I still love him. I let aki hurt him, it is all my fault. You should have never brought me into your lives, none of this would have happened.” lauri brought his hands to his face and let himself break down.

Niki held him and this time lauri didn’t back away. Niki brought his hand to rest in Lauri’s hair and gently pushed his head onto on his shoulder, that way he could hold him closer .

“You can reject me lauri but in my heart you’ll always be my son. And kimi is your brother you chose each other . You where meant for each other . And right now more than ever we need to be a family. For kimi, lets do it for him. Because we both love him and we both know its what he would want. And he loves you more than the waking world Lauri you must know that.”

Niki could feel lauri nodding gently. After awhile he stopped crying and was still.

“where’s james” he mumbled into niki’s shoulder. 

“gone.. Its just you and me lau. James obviously had more important things on his mind.”

Lauri wrapped his arms around Niki and buried his face in his neck. He could sense how fragile Niki was, how close he was to breaking. It was all in his voice.

“im here now isa, for you and for kimi. Im sorry ill make it up to you, i didnt mean for any of this to happen , I feel so lost. i wont abandon our family again. ” lauri whispered. 

“ sweetheart im here, for both of you always. And your least to blame in any of this my sweet boy, we didn’t see you.” Nikis fingers ghosted over lauris forearms. He couldn’t bring himself to ask, why, he was devastated that lauri had harmed himself and didn’t want to push him away with questions. once niki felt like he had failed as a father. where had he and james gone wrong? 

“I love you son” Niki whispered into Lauri’s soft black hair. 

Kimis eyes fluttered open. He met lauris gaze over nikis shoulder , deep blue staring into seas of green.


	77. what i've done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> worlds are about to fall apart. Is it all over for James?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-12at173003.png.html)[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-12at183046.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_n3h0c0gLnz1r6ca8to1_1280.jpg.html)

Kimi woke; there was no long-term damage. Lauri and Niki tended to him along with the dedicated team of doctors and nurses. James absence was not easily explained so Niki told kimi James had something important he had to do and he sent his love, kimi was to weak and to drugged to really know what was going on or to question who was there and who wasn’t. However Niki’s heart swelled with joy when he saw how adoringly his sons looked at one another, he knew one thing for sure their relationship was going to be just fine. And if kimi was hazy when he stared around the room he seemed more alert when lauri was by his bedside almost like he instinctively knew that those green eyes belonged to someone he shared a deep bond with. 

Relief and joy was very short lived as barely two days after kimi waking ,Niki’s whole world fell apart, every newspaper he saw reported the same shocking story.

“James hunt visits secret wife and kids whilst adopted sons fight for there lives in hospital, what will lauda do now?!” 

Everywhere there was pictures of James conversing with a leggy blonde female whilst two teenage boys with James shaggy blonde hair and bright blue eyes looked wearily into the camera lenses.

Niki had against his better judgment read the articles. They all stated the same thing, that a source had outed James claiming his ‘business trips at McLaren’ where a means of seeing his ‘other family’. James was married to this women, her name was Suzy hunt and the children where now , 21 and 18 respectively. Niki was devastated.

The news had also reached lauri. He wasn’t as shocked by it but knew that something this horrific would send kimi completely over the edge. Kimi couldn’t be allowed to find out. But Niki had stopped visiting to stricken and Brocken by the news, lauri had to make excuses and refused to let kimi read anything or see the tv. Kimi was growing suspicious; he knew something was wrong, very wrong.

Had Aki died? The very thought made Kimi feel sick, all he could see was blood and all he could hear was the screaming…

Finally, Ronnie arrived. He had seen the news as had mika and keke and as if by some twisted turn of fate all three arrived at Nikis hotel room at the same time. Niki wouldn’t answer. They all stood silently outside occasionally knocking hoping he would let them in. eventually Niki relented, there was sharp click and the door opened Ronnie entered first. All the blinds where closed and there was a scattering of empty bottles. Niki sat in the corner and didn’t even look up.

Mika and keke put aside their own differences long enough to comfort Niki. Ronnie was filled in on all the events he had missed right up until Nico disappearing and the huge fight between the youths outside the concert.

Niki showed them James note. The three had mixed opinions on James. Ronnie was not a fan and had never been one and he urged Niki to move on for kimis sake. Mika seemed more undecided and wanted Niki to speak to James first before doing anything rash. Keke sat looking incredibly guilty and when mika pushed him for an opinion he broke and admitted that he knew James secret all along but re iterated to Niki that it wasn’t how it looked and that Niki should let James explain.

Kekes confession resulted in mika chucking him out. Niki had eventually heard enough and begged them all to just leave him in peace.

As the days rolled on more and more information came to light, the piece that finally clicked for Niki was the announcement that a certain ‘Aki hakala’ was biologically also James hunts son. James had taken a DNA test in London in secret and when aki agreed to take the test also there profiles where matched. And of course that information was then leaked to the press, and the whole spiders web unfolded. James secret son had been in the band of his adopted son all along? What kind of sick twisted family where they? There was then talk of incest (despite no blood existing between kimi aki and lauri) intimate looking pictures of lauri snuggling aki plastered everywhere. 

Niki and James where practically accused of match making with there sons under there own roof. When Aki had never actually spent any time in there company and had never set foot in there home. Rumors spiraled out of control and the whole mess took on a life of its own but, Niki had his answers.

Aki out of his own pain and abandonment had been the one to inform the press of James secret life, Eero had tried to warn him about Aki, he had warned that Aki could ‘ruin them all’. Just when it seemed nothing could get any worse, kimi found out. 

Niki stood helplessly outside the hospital room as kimis screams could be heard echoing down the ward , he was so distraught and un consolable doctors asked Niki if they could sedate him again with a lesser does of the drug he had been given. Niki had no choice the longer kimis painful cries went on the quicker his condition seemed to deteriorate, Niki agreed and caressed kimi’s forehead tears slipping from his eyes and he watched kimi slip back under.

He would never forgive James, forgetting the trauma he had caused , forgetting that he had betrayed Niki, forgetting all that , Niki would never forgive him for what he had just done to there son.

When James re surfaced. Niki had gone through to much to fight. With two simple words he made clear to James exactly how he felt 

“its over” James didn’t plead, not this time. This time there would be no fight whilst the boys slept; there would be no punishment of sleeping on the couch. This time Niki meant it. 

There was no explanation James could give that would fix this. 

The truth didn’t matter to Niki now. Yes, James was married. He had married her long before he had met Niki. When he was very young and incredibly stupid. He had cheated on her countless times. Everyone knew James slept around in the beginning, even Niki accepted that fact. The children where a result of James inability to deal with Niki being mad at him. When they had fought particularly badly James got on a plane for London stating an emergency at McLaren as his excuse for vanishing. On two of those visits the bottom of the bottle and the warmth of a women seemed to make everything better for a moment. And a moment was all it took. Twice he strayed and twice was all it had taken. 

She wouldn’t divorce him, and she only agreed to keep their boys a secret so long as James spent time with them and money on her. She wanted them to know there father was a man of importance even though she had started a relationship with another man who both children called ‘dad’ and referred to James simply as ‘Mr. hunt’ . 

the whole thing was a farce but James played along, because he feared loosing Niki. He had never truly wanted to adopt Lauri because of those two boys, he did it for Niki because it was what Niki had wanted , but he felt adding any other child into the mess he had already created was ludicrous and that had affected how he had treated Lauri. James had so many regrets.

Aki, was a total surprise. Aki happened before James and Niki had even gotten together after James married Suzy , around four years before they adopted kimi. James didn’t even recall akis mother, where they had met or exactly when it might have all occurred.

Keke knew everything about the marriage; James had needed to tell someone. Keke had strongly disapproved and kimis incidents with Nico made things far worse between them, James had always feared that if anyone would tell Niki aboutit. it would have been keke. 

Niki was the one, the only one for James. Niki knew he wasn’t completely faithful in the beginning but Niki had thought raising kimi together had somehow cured James of his need to stray. James hated himself but as more time passed he began to think just maybe he had gotten away with it, maybe Niki would never find out and kimi certainly never needed to know. He thought he was doing the right thing, by not abandoning his sons in London after all it wasn’t there fault.

Kimis debut race was postponed, the band cancelled the rest of their tour and all activities indefinitely. When kimi was released from hospital Niki attempted to steer him and lauri through the see of media and flashing lenses. 

He and the boys returned home to Finland, the local police made sure the house couldn’t be surrounded and Niki could have some privacy with his sons after the devastation which had just touched all there lives. 

The French police where easily bought and no charges fell on kimi or aki and it was decided they where both at fault and neither was found guilty of starting what the media kindly described as ‘a drunken fight amongst spoilt over privileged youths’.

Every newspaper had a different story on what or who caused the fight. 

Nico and Sebastian where dragged home to there own drama as keke suddenly decided he wanted mika back, but mika was firmly re established with David and even Sebastian didn’t want them back together.

Ronnie moved in with Niki shortly after there return to Finland. James called every day , once in the morning and once in the evening. It broke Nikis heart because it was the exact same times he would ring home when Niki and the boys had thought he was ‘working’ in England and they would rush to answer it happy to hear his voice. 

Kimi was locked away in his old room. Lauri suddenly was in charge of everything and seemed to be the only one of them who could function properly. He cooked, took care of the bills and the house and even had to handle the constant bombardment from the media.

Ronnie was of course there for support but mainly he was around for Niki and kimi. 

A year passed, kimi didn’t return to the racetrack and the band didn’t release any new music or resume touring. Time started to paper over the cracks, Niki could get by on his own again, kimi would show face in the mornings and occasionally for dinner, the pressure was off lauri a little and Ronnie had eventually become a permanent member of the house hold. 

Again Nico and kimi had lost contact. They where both now almost 23 years old, Sebastian would be 18 soon and lauri would be 22. 

When James eventually was accepted back into the house to ‘talk’. Kimi had refused to be present and lauri had walked away half way through. Ronnie also left when he felt the moment was right for Niki and James to be alone.

They had both cried, both barely able to say what they needed. There was shouting and screaming and James taking everything Niki had to throw at him knowing he was unable to argue, it was all his fault, all his mess. Both where hurting But both agreed on one thing, they still loved each other.

James had left with some comfort knowing that Niki was willing, to at the very least ,talk to him again. to try and work something out, and as he had left the family home he had caught a glimpse of both there sons staring at him from the upstairs window, kimi sat on the ledge lauri standing by his side a comforting hand on his older brothers shoulder and when James smiled gently at them he swore he could see the sides of there mouths turn upwards even just for a moment.


	78. Man in the street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do we ever really notice the man in the street? how many faces does he have? how many times do we pass him by?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/maninthestreet.jpg.html)

Aki wandered the streets of Helsinki as he had done every night since he had left hospital over a year ago, his mother had thrown him out, his sister refusing him entry to her home also. The media wouldn’t leave them alone and they effectively disowned him. With no other family to speak of, Eero and Pauli gone from Finland to pursue other means of making a living and lauri firmly out of his life. The band was at that moment no more and aki was alone. Alone with his guilt and his suffering.

He hadn’t looked at a calendar or a clock in months and had at some point stopped counting the days. The park benches and ally ways became familiar. Under bridges and behind the old factory buildings had become his home. The homeless shelters where like luxury to him when they had room. 

Now winter was here. His first full winter on the streets. The shelters all turned him away, full to capacity. He wandered aimlessly, all the Christmas lights where up and the city was bustling. Everyone passed him like he was a ghost. A few weeks earlier he had started coughing and now he could barely breath his injured lung had never really healed, his chest was aching and every breath was a struggle. A simple flu had turned into something much worse. He was sick and he needed help.

He sat outside a department store for the warmth from the entrance fans, he wouldn’t call to the passers by for money, he had never stooped that low. They never took notice of anyone who did that, all to busy with there lives, to busy to notice a homeless boy who was ill and needed someone anyone to acknowledge he existed, no one did. Eventually Aki moved on people bumping into him as they rushed for trains and taxi’s offering no apology some never even looked back to see who they had hit. 

Aki learned quickly that people where more than flawed they where doomed. The whole human race in his eyes was falling apart, he felt worthless and he resigned himself to the fact that he deserved everything, this was his punishment. And the whole world would spin on despite his suffering and there where hundreds, even thousands more out there who had lost there way and no one cared, there own selfish ambition stopping them from seeing people like him the very same ambition which had driven him to ruin lives and fail to see those he would hurt.

As the endless darkness continued with little to no daylight, Aki’s condition worsened. He could barely even muster enough strength to raid the bins for food. He collapsed between two large dumpsters and brought his knees to his chest shivering and coughing. He was going to die; he convinced himself it was all over. He panicked with every breath he struggled to take. He hadn’t eaten in three days, he had no water, it was bellow freezing outside he was too weak and there was no one to help him. He was alone. He thought of Lauri, those beautiful green eyes, he still remembered him so clearly, every detail of his face, his laugh, his voice….

James had driven slowly away from his once happy home feeling a slight twinge of happiness return to him. Niki was talking to him, kimi and lauri had at least been curious enough to sit at the window and watch him leave. It would all never be the same, but he now at least he had hope. And hope was a wonderful thing.

As he had driven the streets of Helsinki to return to his temporary apartment he had passed the department store, he smiled to himself as he watched a father walking with his son, both swinging there arms happily as they passed talking animatedly gazing at one another with pure love. a happy little face filled his thoughts, kimi. Then out of the corner of his eyes James saw a homeless man sitting by the entrance and the moment of pure happiness dissipated, there was people out there with far less than he had, did James truly have any right to feel sorry for himself?. 

The man wasn’t begging which struck James as unusual, he was just sitting there. The lights flashed green and the cars behind him tooted there horns impatiently, James was shook from his thoughts and instinctively veered the car to park it at the department store entrance. When he went to investigate the man was gone. James looked all around and eventually caught the shady figure disappearing into the crowd. James went to return to his car but when he took one last glance over his shoulder he thought he momentarily saw the mans face, his breath caught in his throat. It couldn’t be! Could it?

James cursed himself as his curiosity won over and he pursued the man. Eventually he lost him in a rather dingy part of down. James pulled his jacket collar up against the wind, which was ice cold against the back of his neck. He gave up and cut through an ally way to get back to the main streets.

As he passed the dumpsters behind one of the restaurants he could hear the faint sounds of what he could only be described as something or someone in severe pain. James doubled back on himself he gazed down and in the darkness could make out a body between the dumpsters. James knelt down quickly and placed his hand on the figures back , whoever it was, was alive but barely. James gently turned the man onto his back. Instantly he wished he hadn’t. 

It was Aki. The kid responsible for everything he was going through, he was Paler , skinnier and sickly. But it was him. He was shivering gasping for air his clothes where in pieces torn everywhere with holes and stained, his hair was a mess and the black/red dye had long grown out leaving blonde roots visible. His eyes had no life in them, he didn’t seem to be registering that someone was there.

A million things ran through James mind. He had to leave him, Niki and lauri and kimi where all at stake he was finally getting back into their lives. He couldn’t help this kid. It wasn’t his responsibility, what if Niki ever found out? Or worse kimi! But then the whirlwind of thoughts gave way to a voice in his head which told him. ‘But James he’s your son to’.

James took a good hard look at the boy in his arms, it wasn’t his fault, and James had no idea what he had been through in his young life. James took his coat off , the wind instantly sending a chill down his spine he wrapped it around aki and lifted him off the ground, James carried him through the seas of people. Many barely looked up, some starred and others commented loudly about how crazy he must be helping someone ‘like that’. The ignorance of those people angered James it seemed compassion had gone from everyday people. He just didn’t understand how anyone could pass someone so helpless and alone and fail to give a minute or two of their time to simply ask if there was anything they could do.

James took aki straight to the hospital where he was rushed away. He could leave then he knew he could, all he had to do was simply walk out the door. Aki was safe there, they would care for him, feed him a decent meal , clean him up . James would pay the expenses. They could just bill him. But James didn’t leave. Instead he waited.

Hours later a nurse approached she thanked him for his kindness towards the young man, told him many wouldn’t have done what he did and in the next breath told him that the youth would most likely pass away that night. He was to weak to make it. She thanked him again and went to walk away.

“Wait” James had called after her “let me sit with him, before you object please understand, he has no one and he shouldn’t leave this world alone without someone there to even hold his hand”

She led James through the sterile white corridors into a small room filled with people coughing and groaning in pain. At the end with the curtains drawn round one of the beds she left him with a sad smile. He hesitated before pulling the curtain and slipping between them. Aki looked peaceful. He was clean and his head was shaved. His face was still pale and his cheeks where sunken, he was hooked up to various monitors and there was a mask over his mouth. James could see it hazing over with every slow drawn out breath aki took.

This was not how James had expected his evening to go. He approached the bed and took Aki’s hand. It was as cold as ice, thin and fragile. James felt his eyes welling up. He didn’t know this boy, and still he felt he should hate him. He had ruined James family, he had done it purposefully and he had appeared to show no remorse. But no, it wasn’t his fault. in the end James had brought all this on himself , a sobering fact was all that remained, this was his biological son, his blood and he was going to pass away that night, James was going to watch this young man die. He wept with sorrow and guilt.


	79. the Prodigal son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James makes one of the hardest decisions of his life. he has no more left to loose.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/image.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/orig-511081.jpg.html)

 

The monitors wailed and James could see the faint traces of a heartbeat disappear on the screen. Nurses pushed him to one side, he could hear them debating in Finnish whether or not it would be worth trying to revive aki or whether they should allow him his dignity and let him slip away in piece with no more suffering. James grabbed one by the arm looked her firmly in the eyes and said

“Save him, please” she stood frozen for a moment then rushed off yelling for assistance. It took a small team of doctors three attempts to jump start akis heart, the slow beeping of the heart monitor returned and James glanced in wonder at the sharp peaks across the screen each one a beat of akis heart, each one meaning he was still alive.

Doctors did what they could over the coming days. They tube fed him directly into his stomach, he had a cocktail of fluids and drugs pumped into his system through drips attached to his arm and doctors operated on one of his lungs which had been damaged from straining for air and constant coughing , the other lung had been the one puncture by his ribs from kimis assault a year earlier, eventually Aki would need a transplant but for now they could save the functioning lung.

James was there when Akis eyes fluttered open, it was like déjà vu. James had been there the last time Akis life hung in the balance and he was the first one Aki had seen when he had opened his eyes back then. This time though James face seemed different to aki as he strained to see clearly, momentarily thinking he was dreaming again. He had faint flashbacks of the ally way. At some point he remembered being so tired that he had started slipping, falling further and further backwards…had he died?

The thought struck fear into his very core and he tried to move. James slipped the oxygen mask off his mouth and spoke calmly to him resting a firm hand on his shoulder.

“stop, clam down. It’s alright. Your safe in the hospital. Your going to be ok, they are taking care of you” bright blue eyes starred up at him with a questioning, questions James didn’t want to answer. But James had his own questions. For example why was aki out there all alone, sick and helpless who would abandon their child to that fate? Why? No matter what kimi did James would never abandon him, sending him away during his outbursts was the hardest thing James had ever done and he and Niki could only do it because they knew they would see him again, but to abandon your son to this fate? James couldn’t help feel aki had been more than wronged.

Aki tried to speak but his mouth was dry and he couldn’t form the words. 

“I found you, you’re here. You’re alive. For now that’s all that matters. Everything else can wait. I wont go anywhere, ill stay right here so your not alone. if that’s what you want, or as soon as I know you’ll be alright I can leave” 

Aki tried again to talk “stop, you can say everything you need to later.”

Aki shook his head he muttered something which James didn’t catch so he leaned closer .

“can you say that again?” aki swallowed and tried again

“stay” he croaked his voice barely above a whisper.

“im not going anywhere” James replied reaching down to hold akis hand . Aki looked frightened, it reminded James of how kimi looked when he had ended up in hospital after diving in the lake after Nico.

Everything was such a mess, for once though James felt he had actually done the right thing, he hadn’t run away and had stepped up to his responsibility to this boy. Aki hadn’t asked to be brought into the world, James was responsible for that. He was responsible for this whole mess.

Aki recovered quickly and James visited him every day . The silence was deafening, They had nothing to say to each other after all, and the questions just hung in the air between them seeming to draw the very oxygen out of the room with every passing moment. Eventually James arrived one morning to be told that aki would need to leave as they had a shortage of beds over the Christmas period. The hospital had arranged for a charity to come and collect aki . 

The charity had provided clothes and when James entered the small cubicle to see aki he was being helped to dress. Everything was far too big for him and it hung awkwardly off his shoulders exposing his neck and chest, it was still freezing outside, this wouldn’t do, James couldn’t handle it. James didn’t rationalize his thoughts before he spoke he just simply blurted it out 

“he’s coming with me” the charity workers looked at him like he was some kind of alien.

“And who are you?” one asked, aki looked at him shocked.

“im..” James hesitated; it took everything within him to say it, those words which would finalise everything. There was no going back if he said them , he had a split second to make a decision, one that would alter his life from that point on. 

“im his father” James said calmly, the words fell from his tongue with ease, it actually felt good to say it. Aki nearly fainted and James had to grab his arm as he staggered. The workers looked at one another in disbelief James ignored them and held aki steady.

“lets go home" Aki looked at him as if trying to dispel his own disbelief in what had just happened "Don’t think to much, let me help you. Take care of you for now. Forget everything else for the moment, what do you say?”

Aki seemed hesitant; he still looked frightened and unsure. But then he looked down at himself clad in miss fitting clothes, skinny, and hungry, pathetic. He looked at the charity workers then passed them to the heavy snow falling outside the window, int the clear pain of glass for a brief moment he thought he could see Lauri.. eventually his gaze fell on James.

He nodded. James signed him out of the hospital and helped him into his car. Akis movements where slow and took great effort he wasn’t fully recovered and James was disgusted that the hospital had let him go so quickly. He slept the short journey to James apartment and James felt sorry for him when he had to wake him to make him climb the stairs.

Once inside James headed straight for the bedroom and laid aki down covering him with the soft sweet smelling sheets. Aki sighed contentedly. Discarding the uncomfortable hospital bed , this was the first real bed he had been in, in over a year, it felt like he was sinking into a cloud. Almost instantly he fell asleep. James sat on the edge of the bed. 

There was a framed picture on his night stand of kimi and lauri. It was from just before lauri moved away. Both of them smiling he glanced from there faces to akis. He had three sons now. The two in London where biologically his but he wasn’t there father, they had a father. Suzy was happy with her other man and she just tormented James and threatened him. James only visited to keep her from destroying his relationship with Niki. If he had known what might happen he would have never gave into her threats. 

He felt a lot more connected to aki than either of the other two in England. He found himself wishing he had known about Aki sooner. And there was a painful irony in the fact that this child had lived barely a mile away from him and his adopted sons. Lauri Had known Aki almost all his teenage years and James had past aki at the school gates most mornings with his mother, totally oblivious that both his biological child and his adopted child where at school together and the best of friends. 

James caressed Akis cheek and ran his hand over the soft tufts of dark blonde hair that where slowly growing back in.


	80. It's time for forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aki and james have there long over due 'talk' and there is an unexpected visitor at the door.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/403162_638257549523175_1975770127_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1256760536736_f.jpg.html)

When aki woke, his face was pressed against a fluffy white pillow and he was warm and comfortable. For the briefest of moments he forgot where he was , then everything came flooding back. James, he was with James somewhere, an apartment maybe?, he vaguely he remembered climbing the stairs . 

Aki tried to lift his head to look around but he simply couldn’t he was too weak, and he had been a year without his glasses, he could barely see what was a meter away from him most of the time and hid eyes had deteriorated rapidly. On the nightstand if he squinted hard enough, he could make out a picture of lauri and kimi, his heart tightened in his chest. he loved lauri, adored him, worshiped him yet he had hurt him. When aki closed his eyes he saw lauri on stage heard the thousands of screaming girls, his mind wandered to fun filled days in the studio in Sweden ,Lauri’s melodic voice filling the air , all the crazy nights on video shoots , in bars , with groupies , with each other, they had there own little family, himself , strong, sweet, kind hearted lauri , the oddly tranquil Eero and the insane party animal Pauli. He ruined it, now they where scattered to the winds and would possibly never see one another again. 

Lost in his thoughts he hadn’t heard James enter the room. Aki was on his side with his eyes closed, it wasn’t until he felt the bed dip that he realized he was no longer alone. He felt a steady hand on his shoulder and momentarily entertained the thought of pretending to still be asleep.

“Aki,” the hand shook him gently “hey wake up. You have to eat something” food did sound like an appealing option. Aki tried to raise his head again, he just couldn’t.

“I can’t get up” he mumbled helplessly “sore, everything’s sore” James nodded though aki couldn’t see him. “and I can’t see” Aki murmured, it hurt him more to admit that , ever since he was a child he had been so ashamed of having to wear glasses now he wished more than ever he had them back. 

“Here let me help you” James gently turned aki onto his back, aki winced at the change in position, his lungs where aching he was still bandaged up from his operation. Once on his back he could look up at James who was leaning a little closer. 

When James looked back at him aki could see him thinking, he wondered what thoughts where going through his head.

James sat back down on the bed just near where Aki’s head was and placed a hand on his chest.

“can you see me?” Aki nodded “ok good, Shall we talk aki? I think its best we get some things out of the way. It’s been a hard few weeks but you’ve been suffering for alot longer than that though, haven’t you?” James gaze was honest and open and aki had had long enough to learn his lessons he had no malice of selfish ambition left in him , he had no grudges any longer he just wanted some peace of mind.

“I was out in Helsinki, the show was amassing , we played amassing. Lauri was amassing… I could hear this conversation, familiar voices, one was my sister. At first I didn’t know why I was standing there frozen listening to them, I was young and I was curious and she knew so much. She knew about you and your other life in England she knew about the lies you where telling how you where never really away on business, then she said she knew who my father was. Even though my own mother had always told me I was a one-night stand to a man she didn’t remember. there is no name under ‘father’ on my birth certificate. I’ve always been a bastard , it was easy like that , but then everything went to shit . You and Niki and how you treated kimi and how I watched lauri fall apart , held him when he cried it made me so angry . I told myself I would do it for him, I would ruin kimi and you for him, but it was all for me, because I was jealous because I was angry, because I didn’t think about anyone else, I didn’t think about lauri…and he was the only one that mattered. But as you can see I’ve been punished , I deserve it. for what its worth, im so sorry”

As aki spoke tears fell from his eyes , James sat and listened, he really didn’t need to hear anymore, the explanation had been given and aki had apologized. It was over in James mind. It was done. They had to move on.

“I never knew about you aki, and I only ever kept seeing my wife because she was threatening me with two massive mistakes I made. It only takes one time, one time and your responsible for another life. Myself and Niki fight , we fought almost all the time actually. Most of it was petty arguments that we resolved quickly and moved on , the boys never knew we always kept our spats for when they where in bed . But twice in our whole time together things boiled over and twice I fled to London…and made my mistakes. You would think after the first time I would have learned but no. Those two boys have a father ,they don’t need nor do they want me around but she insisted , and I was to weak and scared to admit what id done to Niki. The only good thing I suppose to come from what you did was that I am now free of her for good, she cant threaten me anymore. Its all done now. I think it best we forget about it. And your no bastard , I don’t deny you”

James caressed akis face gently wiping away the tears with his thumb.

“As for what happens now, well one step at a time I think. Lets get you well first no use worrying about anything else for the moment” aki nodded and glanced at the picture by the bedside, James practically read his mind

“Lauri’s fine, he’s at home with niki and his brother. Last I seen him he looked healthy enough, did you, Maybe have stronger feelings for him than just friendship? I can understand that you know. What I mean is that, I know what that feels like, to fall in love with a friend” aki wasn’t sure he wanted to admit to it, but he had always wanted more from lauri than friendship, something lauri wasn’t prepared to give him, he was to interested in girls.

Aki looked at James again, his eyes filled with sadness “im glad hes doing well” James nodded and didn’t push him for anything more, he knew aki was leaving something out.

The door buzzer sounded making them both jump.

“ill be right back,” James stood and left the room shutting the door tightly. He picked up the receiver his voice sounding a little surprised, as he hadn’t been expecting anyone.

“moi?”

“James?” it was Niki. James heart practically stopped.

“James? Are you there? Where have you been? I’ve been…trying to ..get in touch” had Niki been trying to visit him? Whilst James was away tending to aki? James felt a lump in his throat he wanted to cry at the thought of Niki looking for him.

“Niki..” he breathed into the receiver. 

“yes, arsehole , will you let me in?” James panicked what was he going to do?


	81. If he could turn back time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James confronts Niki , about Aki, Kimi and how much they have both changed...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/7139528.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-08-06at222729.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_nagmergy0p1sl1o0fo1_500.jpg.html)

 

James hesitated before he answered, what about Aki? What would Niki do if he knew he was there? Would he even let James explain? Should James just not mention it? Would that be another lie?

“Niki …I , I …come up” James buzzed Niki in without letting him reply.

As Niki climbed the stairs James made sure Aki’s room door was shut tight. 

Finally Niki knocked and James heart leapt into his throat. When he opened the door he had to resist the urge to hold Niki. He still loved him more than life itself but Niki could barely look him in the eye now and it hurt James to the very core.

“Can I come in then?” Niki asked because James had yet to move aside, to busy staring at him.

James quickly moved away and gestured for Niki to come in, he shut the door behind him took a shaky breath and momentarily thought about locking them in. He had to tell Niki the truth about why he had been missing from his apartment for a few weeks but he feared Niki would storm out and he would never ever see him again.

“uh..have a seat, do you want a beer?” it felt so odd , the formalities the inane questions and how they both now acted like strangers around each other. Niki nodded and looked around. The apartment had minimal décor but then again its not like James planned on living there permanently . 

Niki spotted some photographs on the coffee table, images of happier times he could barely glance at them it burned him to think of how happy they had been and how some of it had been a lie. He had spent so long wondering how James could have done this to him. His reasoning told him James had made a massive mistake and didn’t know how to handle it but the emotional side of him couldn’t accept what James had done. It had devastated their family, yet here he was. 

James handed him a beer and sat on the opposite end of the couch, silence fell. James needed to tell Niki, no more secrets. If he wanted a chance with Niki again he had to be honest.

“Niki I…I know we have barely even spoken but I need to be honest with you from now on. I haven’t been around for a while because…I was helping someone. Someone who I know your going to greatly disapprove of , but before your mind wanders and before I tell you. all I ask is that you listen, if you want to walk away after I finish …then I accept that” Niki was staring James down now, James was weary when Niki had that look on his face, it meant he wasn’t in the mood for anything James had to say and was one mere push from walking out the door.

James took a deep breath “I drove here from yours that evening, the boys where looking out the window before I left. It was so wonderful to see them together again” the loving look in James eyes as he talked about there sons made Niki soften a little 

“I passed the new department store, you know the one? We took kimi and lauri the day it opened. Couldn’t get kimi away from the ice cream place!” Niki grinned, he remembered that day like it was yesterday, kimi had ended up with a serious tummy ache! “I was stopped at the lights when I saw this figure by the doors, he was just sat there, he was obviously homeless but he wasn’t begging . no one even seemed to see him, but I did. I don’t know why but I pulled the car over and when I went to talk to him he was gone. I caught sight of him in the crowd …I caught a glimpse of his face and I recognized it instantly. So I followed him…I found him in ally way curled up between the dumpsters, when I saw his face I almost left him there …god Niki I nearly left him…” James voice broke and Nikis face was filled with sympathy and concern but he was also utterly confused by James story but listened regardless “ when I got him to hospital Niki he died. He died right there on front of me…they managed to get him back, but only just. Niki I couldn’t abandon him, I just couldn’t, I didn’t have the heart to do it…” 

Niki was now looking at James like he was mad. 

“James …what the? What are you talking about? Abandon who? Who nearly died? What’s this got to do with a homeless man? Are you feeling alright?” 

James shook his head , he wasn’t feeling right at all . in fact he felt sick and nauseous he had no idea what Niki was going to do when he mentioned that name…

“It was him Niki…he was all alone and he was sick. I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t leave. Aki” 

Niki felt like he had just been shot. Aki? Had James said aki? The kid who had ruined them? Leaked the story to the press? Kidnapped and assaulted Nico? Mentally abused there youngest son? Attacked kimi in a bar and again on the street? Tore their family apart?

Niki stood and walked towards the door, James sat and put his head in his hands. Before Niki turned the handle to leave he faced James.

“youll rot in hell hunt. For all of this. You should have let that evil bastard suffer” James hadn’t expect Niki to be so vicious, he stood and slammed his fist on the table which startled Niki , Niki didn’t understand and he wasn’t even trying to . He had no idea what aki had suffered . Niki had compassion , James had hopped he would have used it, even if he walked away he knew Niki of all people would attempt to understand why James had to help, what if it had been kimi or lauri out there?. It seemed James was wrong Niki had lost all compassion, james had done that to him. 

“You know Niki, I understand you hating me. I understand your anger but how could you say that? How could you! It wasn’t his fault! He was angry think back to kimi look what he did out of anger!”

Niki was not having kimi compared to aki he screamed at James “ do not compare my son to that animal! That boy should have been drowned at birth!”

James couldn’t believe he was hearing this, from Niki of all people and had Niki referred to kimi as ‘my son’? Wasn’t kimi ‘there son’? 

“Kimi isn’t just yours Niki! I raised that boy just like you! I loved him, I held him and bathed him, I watched him grow, I felt his pains and his triumphs don’t you dare say he’s yours and yours alone! Kimi is my son to!” 

Under cover of there screaming match, aki had slipped weakly out of bed and left the room which James had been keeping him in. James and Niki where now arguing in the kitchen, Niki screaming at James angry tears running down his face , James trying desperately to salvage something from the mess and defend himself but Niki was to angry. Aki slipped out without either of them noticing.

The air outside was freezing and it hit his body all over like a thousand needles puncturing his skin. He was still clad in the ill fitting clothes from the charity, he was to weak to take proper steps and the ground beneath his bare feet was practically ice. He had to get out; he had done enough damage to hunts family. And Nikis word cut like knifes “that boy should have been drowned at birth!”

Midway through arguing with Niki James noticed Akis room door ajar and the front door to the apartment was wide open. Nikis screaming became little more than white noise as he rushed past him into the room calling Aki’s name, the was no answer and Aki was gone. James rushed out the door without a backwards glance at Niki. Niki in his fury pursued him. Once outside Niki stopped dead in his tracks.

James was knelt on the icy street with a limp body in his arms, Nikis blood went cold in his veins.


	82. You don't see me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The biggest regret James had now , the one that eats at him more than anything else , the one that shames him most , was not being a there for the boy with brilliant green eyes.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-16at195618.png.html)

Niki rushed to James side, the entirety of there argument forgotten. When Niki was close and he could see over James shoulder he saw just how pale and sickly aki looked, he looked so Brocken and lifeless in James arms, James was talking to him trying to get a response but Aki was to weak. 

Then Niki noticed something that tore at his heart, Aki had James eyes. 

The kid had always worn glasses and Niki had never been in his company long enough to notice anything about him, but looking down at him in the middle of the street on that chilled winters evening, he could see a young James hunts eyes staring up at him. Niki felt no anger, no hatred he felt pity and his heart filled with sadness.

Niki knelt next to James and put a shaky hand on his shoulder.

“Get him back inside and warm, I am going home.” James gently scooped aki into his arms and watched Niki walk away.

“Niki don’t please, don’t do this…Niki I love you!” Niki stopped and glanced back over his shoulder, his eyes where filled with tears and all James could do was stand there. James watched as nikis gaze fall on aki, who was so weak he could barely hold his head steady against James shoulder.

Everything inside Niki screamed at him to walk away, just walk away. But he couldn’t. He turned back towards James and actually found himself placing a hand on Aki’s chest, which heaved with ever breath he struggled to take.

“get him back inside , or your going to loose him” James nodded but couldn’t pull his gaze away from nikis.

“I need …more time. Ill call, I promise” James nodded his own eyes welling up, Akis breathing became heavier and Niki glanced down at him. He muttered something which Niki couldn’t quite hear.

“He wants you to tell lauri, that he loves him. He’s scarred he wont get the chance to tell him in person” Niki didn’t acknowledge Akis request and simply walked away. 

James quickly got aki back inside, and warm once again.

Ronnie rushed to nikis side when he entered through the door and collapsed. Kimi and lauri rushed down the stairs as they heard a thud and Ronnie yell.

Ronnie had gotten Niki to the living room and sat him on the couch where he had swayed as if he was drunk. Ronnie was knelt before him his hands on nikis shoulders in an attempt to steady him , nikis head was bowed and he was shaking.

Both boys stood in the door way initially stunned and confused, then kimi rushed foreword.

“Isa?! What happened?” Niki shook his head and covered his eyes which where filling up. He was so Brocken.

“hes james son” Niki muttered his voice barely above a whisper. “ow god he even has his eyes” 

“Aki” lauri gasped. Kimi stood and backed away. Lauri knelt next to Ronnie and held niki’s face.

“Did you see aki? Isa please. Did you see him? Is he ok?” Niki brought his own hands to Lauri’s face.

“he is with James,” lauris expression broke Niki’s heart , he had to let lauri go to him , after seeing how sick and lifeless the boy was he feared he may die and lauri would resent Niki forever if he didn’t let him go “ you can go if you have to Lau. I can’t stop you after all can i? He wanted you to know. That He loves you” lauri held Niki for the briefest of moments his brilliant green eyes searching nikis and then suddenly he sped past kimi for the door. Kimi raced after him and Ronnie yelled;

“Let him go kimi! Boys don’t you dare fight!” kimi ignored him and burst out the door grabbing lauri by the arm and spinning him round before he could get into the car.

“don’t. lau how could you! After everything he did! Don’t you dare go! I won’t let you!” lauri wasn’t willing to argue he pulled his arm away.

“Kimi I have to go. I love you and Niki and ill be back, I just have to see him. You don’t understand, you cant, he was there for me…he helped me stop…hurting myself. He is not a monster, he was a good kid. He was kind and gentle…he cared for me” kimi had since found out about Lauri’s secret and he couldn’t believe he had been so blind he hadn’t even noticed. But Aki had , Aki had seen the scars.

“I care for you lau…you’re my little brother. I love you” lauri approached and wrapped his arms around kimi, kimi held him tightly.

“I know” lauri whispered in his ear “ill be ok kimi. Im all grown up now” kimi couldn’t deny that, lauri was a little taller than him and had matured far more quickly; he would pass for the older brother now.

As lauri pulled away and got into the car, kimi couldn’t deny feeling betrayed and a little like he had lost lauri to aki. But unlike what aki had tried to do , Kimi would never make lauri choose.

Lauri hadn’t even asked for James address , he simply parked up the car and started running through the streets. It must have taken him hours before he finally realized he needed to call home and find out exactly where the apartment was. As he walked to the nearest pay phone his breath visible in brisk night air , he saw James. 

James had left for the drug store to get pain killers and heat patches for aki who had been suffering and in severe pain. Lauri exited the phone box putting the receiver back and stood there wondering if James would even notice him, he had never in the past. Just as lauri suspected James walked right past him.

“you never did see me you know, I was always invisible to you” James spun round stunned by the familiar voice.

“Lauri?!” James walked foreword shocked , he wanted to reach out and place a had on his sons shoulder but he couldn’t. When it came to lauri something had always stopped James from getting close.

“what are you doing around here? You…well you should be home with Niki and kimi” lauri scoffed 

“don’t you tell me where I should be. I know where you should have been but you weren’t, you had better places to be than with us” lauri was staring him down, normally James would chide such back chat but lauri was not a child anymore and it was much easier to discipline kimi. Lauri had never ever cared what they had said to him.

“look lau, I am not willing to stand here and do this in the middle of the street I have to go” James turned and walked away.

“that’s it hunt, turn your back on me again like you always do. Run away! Go on keep running!” James blood was boiling , he couldn’t take much more. He had made mistakes , how long would they haunt him? How long would he need to accept this abuse from everyone, the press , people on the streets, his colleague’s, his own family? He was trying to make amends but no one seemed willing to let him. 

But then, he couldn’t deny that lauri more than anyone, possibly even more than Niki, deserved to hate him. James had not wanted Lauri, deep down in his heart he couldn’t deny that he had forced himself to try and accept him, for Niki and for kimi. But the guilt that hung over him, knowing he already had three sons two of whom where mistakes, had seeped in and affected there relationship. When he had finally grown to love their young son, when his heart had finally filled with joy at the very sight of him and his beautiful emerald green eyes, it was to late, the boy was to damaged. Children know when they are not wanted, Lauri in his subconscious had always known.

James stopped and turned back to face lauri once more.

“Aki is inside, if you shut that vicious mouth of yours im willing to let you see him, that’s why your hear isn’t it? Niki told you. I was a bit slow wasn’t I, and for a moment I thought you where just hear to attack me”

Lauri smirked, for a moment to James he looked rather evil James hadn’t ever seen this side of him “ow I have much better things to do with my time than come here to ‘attack’ you James, for example putting your family back together” there was venom in very word, lauri wasn’t going to let James away with anything, not this time. 

James hung his head and continued walking , lauri followed a few paces behind drawing daggers at the back of James head.


	83. Don't let go now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James lets Lauri in...for the first time, do they have more in common than they think?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-17at011823.png.html)

James held the door open and let lauri inside. Lauri pretended not to notice the family pictures James had displayed everywhere, he was actually surprised to see himself in some of them, it made him think that maybe James cared after all but the thought passed as quickly as it came. 

“have a seat,?” James gestured to the couch in the living room. Lauri walked the floor looking round before he answered.

“where is he?” James gestured to the couch again

“sit, hes asleep and I need to talk with you about him. Hes been through a lot of awful things, you should be prepared before you see him” lauri looked cautiously at James.

“please lau, despite everything im still the same guy who carried you to bed at night and picked you up from school. Its still me, im not some stranger. Why is everyone looking at me like they don’t know me?”

“Because we don’t” lauri replied, sadness filled James eyes . lauri relented and sat on the couch. 

James noted how much his dress sense had changed, He was clad in all black and had his beanie hat pulled down over his ears and forehead casting shadows down over his eyes. The vest tops and baggy jeans where a thing of the past it seemed.

Lauri had been a comical child, James remembered that much. He had been funny, dark and brooding, yes , but also hilariously funny. The man on James couch didn’t strike him as much of a comedian. He was darker, colder , time had changed the innocent prodigy . Lauri had tasted fame he had tasted being in charge at home, he was stalky and strong and had intense eyes. He was no push over. Still james just wanted nothing more than to embrace him, Lauri had made him and niki so proud despite there distance and strained relationship. Niki would listen to his songs alone in his study just so he could feel close to him somehow , James had to admit he to knew all the melodies also.

James sat opposite him, feeling lauris eyes burn into him “its good to see you, its been awhile. You made it without any help from either of us. I never did get a chance to say I was proud of you, and you have some set of lungs lau. We heard the songs, niki even has the albums. He would never want you to know that he used to listen to them alone just so he would have some part of you there with him” Lauri’s face remained stoic , he couldn’t bring himself to be touched by any of it. James and him had never bonded lauri felt nothing for him.

“I didn’t need either of you to sing, I can do that all on my own . unlike kimi who needed every ounce of your attention just to breath . now skip the reminiscing , what’s happened to Aki”

James looked away from lauri; every thing lauri said was cutting him deeper. He decided it best just to give lauri what he came for, they had no connection and that was James greatest regret.

“Aki, has been homeless since the fight with kimi. He’s been living rough on the streets his family turned him away. I found him a few weeks ago, he was for death when I got him to hospital. They managed to save him. But He’s still weak. and he’s learned his lessons so if you are going to speak with him its best to forget the past, he has had his punishment and after all the fault for all of it lies with me , and lauri I think you know this already but Aki is very much in love with you. You’re all he ever talks about. He adores you”

Emotion finally seemed to flash across Lauri’s eyes, he looked down and removed the dark beanie from his head his long black hair falling round his face and resting on his shoulders. James could finally see his bright green eyes. Lauri softened a little his shoulders falling his hands resting on his knees, he looked James straight in the eyes

“Can I see him?” Lauri’s voice was different it was softer, more gentle and even a little unsure. James nodded and stood, he led lauri to the door at the end of the hall . Lauri seemed to grow hesitant , James massaged the back of his neck allowing long black stands of hair to slip through his fingers. He didn’t push james away.

“its alright lau” 

Lauri let himself relax, James waited for a moment then finally opened the door a little and stepped away.

“ill leave you two alone. I’m sure you both have a lot to say” lauri pushed the door open fully and slowly entered the room. There was a figure curled up on the bed , wrapped in layers of sheets. James watched through the doorway for a moment as lauri quietly approached the head of the bed and stopped to look down.

Lauri could make out short strands of blonde hair and could faintly hear the sounds of shallow breathing.

“Aki?” he called out and placed a hand on the bundle under the sheets. Aki stirred and opened his eyes slowly he turned at looked up, his breath caught in his lungs.

Lauri’s eyes instantly filled up with tears , he had waited for this moment for months. Those brilliant sapphire blue eyes had haunted his dreams.

“lau? Lauri?” aki reached up , his hand shaking, “is that really you?” Aki could only make out his silhouette. lauri fell onto him aki held him to his chest and buried his face in Lauri’s hair. Yes it was him, Aki knew those shoulders and the sweet smell of Lauris hair, he knew it better than he knew himself.

“You left me, you promised you’d never leave me, why did you do it! Why?! You knew what would happen, how could you not know?! You knew we would loose each other, loose the band, loose everything! You knew you would hurt me, why did you do it aki why?!” lauri sobbed , aki didn’t have a good enough answer, lauri was everything to him he was so in love yet he had still been blinded by his need to get revenge on James and kimi out of jealousy.

“ill never leave you again, im sorry lau. Im so sorry kid, please forgive me. please, you mean everything to me you always have, id die for you”

Lauri knew that, he knew aki would take a bullet for him.. it was a dangerous relationship , Eero had said aki was obsessed with him. Aki was almost like Lauri’s biggest fan he practically worshiped the ground he walked on , he idolized him. It had started to creep Eero and Pauli out a long time ago. 

Lauri pulled away slowly wiping his eyes and pulled something out of his hoodie pocket. Gently he placed Aki’s glasses on his face, suddenly the world came back into focus and for the first time in a year Aki could see clearly. 

Lauri had picked them off the tarmac of the car park after kimi and Aki had been swept away in the ambulances. He’d kept them; he had worn them occasionally in secret and would gaze at himself in the mirror imagining he could see Aki staring back instead of his own reflection. 

Aki gasped, Lauri’s eyes shone like emeralds he reached up and pulled lauri down by his neck and just starred into his eyes. Lauri held his shoulders.

“There, that’s better isn’t it?” lauri smiled down at him.

“don’t let go” Aki whispered.

James closed the door on them both; he didn’t want to intrude on anything more private than what he had already seen and heard. So Aki would die for Lauri? James had suspected love but he had no idea how deep Aki had fallen for Lauri. Part of James saw another similarity between himself and his biological son, they where both obsessive about the men they had fallen for , James just hoped that deep down, for lauris sake, that aki was a better man than himself.


	84. Like nothing he'd ever known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aki wants Lauri, does Lauri want Aki in the same way?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-15at014244.png.html)

 

James could hear the muffled sound of voices. lauri and aki had a lot to get through. He sat nursing a beer and debating whether or not to call Niki incase he was worried about lauri. Then everything seemed to go silent for a while. James panicked momentarily and stood making his way to the door. From within he thought he could make out the sounds of labored breathing and panting, initially he feared akis lungs where giving him trouble then he hesitated before entering the room and was glad he did. Lauri and aki where obviously engaged in something else. 

James found himself feeling exceptionally uncomfortable, they where both his sons. But in reality they shared no blood and had not known of the strange relationship they actually shared to one another. James couldn’t stay, the sounds where disturbing him he decided to leave them to it and go for a walk or a drive, maybe he would chance visiting Niki. He grabbed his coat keys wallet and left.

Aki was kissing Lauri’s neck occasionally nipping his skin or sucking it until it was raw and he could see redness. Lauri lay with his eyes closed and fists clenched . This had suddenly just happened. One minute they where talking, aki just laying there ,weak and staring at him, the next aki had been kissing him desperately and now he was all over him. Even in his weak state he had managed to pin lauri beneath him , the sudden onslaught of affection had stunned lauri and he couldn’t pull away. 

Akis hands traced his firm pecks through his shirt . Lauri wasn’t sure he liked this. He was a ladies man and having aki watch him screwing was pleasurable he had to admit, but the thought of the two of tem engaging in anything together never slipped his mind once. But obviously somewhere along the lines there friendship had blurred and aki now wanted him despite it having been a year since they had last seen one another. Lauri hadn’t really noticed how bad aki had fallen for him before, or had not wanted to.

Lauri was tense his whole body ridged and he refused to open his eyes. Maybe aki needed this, maybe he should just let him get it out of his system. When akis hand slid under the waist band of his trousers , lauri wanted to grab his wrist but didn’t , instead he moaned.

Akis hands where cold and calloused, Lauri’s penis was still flaccid and soft but it wouldn’t be for long if aki kept massaging him like that!

Aki continued to tease his skin between his lips to encourage some kind of reaction from him. Lauri was increasingly uncomfortable with this; he had never had another man touch him, ever. This was kimis kind of idea of fun. 

When lauri felt his body reacting to akis touches and the burning in his groin as aki pleasured him, he started to panic. Did this mean he was gay? Was aki? Or was this something else? Friends helping friend’s…lauri didn’t know, he was so confused.

Aki stated to unbutton his black shirt having already rid him of his hoodie. Lauri had been topless and more on front of aki countless times but he was feeling very exposed in that moment. 

Aki kissed his chest massaging his pecks with his hands, lavishing attention on his nipples and collar bone. Aki didn’t feel the same when lauri held his arms. He felt to frail, to skinny. Lauri didn’t like it. Before they had been pretty even, aki could have certainly held his own against lauri in a fight. Now lauri would crush him.

Aki caressed his biceps and ran his hands over Lauri’s abdominal muscles staring at him adoringly. Lauri was intrigued now, he kind of wanted to do it..to see what it felt like, to give aki something, something he needed to recover.

Lauri didn’t however like the idea of anyone dominating his body. Aki had gotten to his mind and had manipulated him lauri knew that, but aki hadn’t done it out of true malice he had done it because he wanted lauri to need him , to love him. And In the end lauri had ended up needing aki more than a simple friend would. 

But to have someone take control over his body wasn’t something lauri was easily comfortable with. His body and his voice where things he was immensely proud of. He was no longer a skinny insecure teenager, girls wanted him they where attracted to him , he was physically strong and they liked that. If he gave control to aki, it made him weak. 

As aki slid his trousers and boxers down his waist and thighs and took the pulsing head of his cock in his mouth. Lauri’s mind was working over time , would he give himself to aki? Lauri watched through half lidded eyes as aki sucked him off. Devouring him, licking and sucking and biting his hard flesh. It felt better than any blow job he had ever been given, and on tour he had , been given many. 

Aki couldn’t hold back, he could barely believe that he was finally able to touch lauri how he had always wanted to. He realized his young friend was tense, maybe even a little frightened , maybe he even didn’t want aki doing this to him. But unless lauri told him to stop, aki couldn’t. He was to caught up now, for years he had harbored a desire to touch lauri, touch his muscular chest and abs caress his skin , massage his member , suck him off …but what aki wanted most made him feel a little ashamed inside. 

Lauri was a sweet , kind soft hearted young man , but on stage he demanded everyone’s attention, he was a king and they worshiped him . His whole demeanor changed he yelled at the crowd to sing and they sang he demanded there hands in the air , thousands complied, they chanted his name they cried when he was inches away from them on stage. Aki adored that version of lauri, strong, unyielding, demanding, powerful…

Aki wanted lauri to dominate him. In all other aspects aki desired control, he wanted lauri submissive to him on front of the rest of the band, he wanted to be the leader, but secretly he was willing to give up all control to lauri behind closed doors. Aki had seen lauri having sex many , many times, he was relentless , animalistic, the girls would cry out sometimes aki didn’t know if it was in pain or pleasure, he was the best of them all and the rumors soon spread.   
Eventually lauri had his pick of five six or more girls an evening and of course he was young so stamina was no issue. The sounds of his hips driving home and the loud slapping of skin hitting skin filling the air never ceased to make akis heart crumble a little. He wanted lauri; those whores didn’t deserve his attention. 

Aki pretended to enjoy it when they shared girls, in reality it was the only way he was able to see lauri aroused , he felt disgusted with himself but he just couldn’t help it.

Now finally here they where, Lauri’s cock in his mouth. He had wanted this so badly, wanted to make lauri feel good. He just wished lauri would react , grab his hair , thrust into his mouth, pull at him…something. Instead he seemed like he had lost his ability to move. Aki wanted the lauri that forced those girls against the walls and showed them just how sex was supposed to be done, he wanted that spark but lauri wasn’t complying.

Lauri finally decided he would give in, if this was what aki needed then he would just lay there spread his legs and let it happen. If it hurt, it hurt. If he felt humiliated then it was just something he would need to get over, he was strong he could handle.

“How bad will it hurt?” lauri muttered still watching aki suck him off. Akis eyes snapped open and he held Lauri’s gaze for a moment before releasing his cock from his mouth , lauri instantly missed the heat and grimaced.

“what are you on about? What hurts?” lauri rolled his eyes.

“how much pain will I be in when you stick it in me” lauri said looking more than a little aggravated. Aki’s mouth hung open for a moment, so lauri thought aki was going to screw him? Aki almost laughed, lauri was seriously going to just let that happen? He knew lauri better than that! 

if they where to have done this a few years ago they would currently be having a heated argument about who was fucking who and aki certainly wouldn’t have won. He couldn’t believe lauri was just going to accept being fucked by him. Part of aki felt very flattered and incredibly tempted, it would be more than arousing to have the most dominant sex partner half the population of women n Europe had ever been with, writhing beneath him whilst he pounded into him. But it wasn’t what aki truly wanted.

“Actually” aki started , wrapping his hand around Lauri’s hard shaft and stroking it gently. Lauri’s hips rose a little off the bed much to akis delight.

“I want you inside me, I want you to do to me what you do to all those women. I want” aki hesitated, lauri was staring him like he just confessed to murder. “I want you to dominate me, I want it as hard as you can give it. I don’t want you to hold back”

Lauri had not expected this. He was , on one hand relieved he wouldn’t be subjected to having another man fuck him on the other hand he wasn’t sure how he felt about putting his own cock inside another mans body. 

“aki ..i” lauri sat upright , the most he had moved the entire time. His cock was still hard between his legs and was aggravating him, he needed release. He tried to ignore it “I don’t think I can do this..this isn’t me, im not…like niki and james or kimi…I don’t think I could do that to you…put my..dick inside you”

 

“A moment ago you’d have let me do it to you…” lauri didn’t really have a comeback for that, he sighed and brought his hand to his cock stroking it.

“I ugh..” he moaned and aki licked his lips unconsciously . Lauri decided if this was what aki wanted then fine, he was to aroused to object sticking himself inside a tight warm body sounded quite appealing at that moment. And it might feel good to dominate another guy, he had never tried it , how did he know he wouldn’t like it?

“ugh fuck it, strip get on the bed on your hands an knees” aki obliged, lauri had to try not to look to closely , aki had lost so much weight his body looked so different. His ribs where showing and he was bandaged up from surgery. Lauri decided maybe a boundary needed to be set , he would hand aki an alternative to what he wanted, he was to frail for what lauri could do to him.

“ill fuck you ok, but not the way I usually do it, your to weak and I’d just end up hurting you. You want me to be in charge then this is how were doing it. This or nothing, when you are…yourself again ill fuck you as hard as you want” 

Aki nodded, of course he wasn’t going to refuse. Having anything from lauri was better than nothing at all.

There was no long drawn out preparation, no lube or tender foreplay. Lauri spat onto his fingers and worked aki open. Aki screwed his eyes shut and bit his lip till it bled. One finger, then another, then another. There was a white-hot heat spreading inside him. Lauri’s fingers withdrew and moments later without warning he felt it, Lauri’s cock breaching his tight outer ring of muscle pushing inside , stretching him. He cried out, lauri didn’t stop he forced every inch inside aki until aki could feel Lauri’s pubic hair and the soft skin of his balls against his opening. Lauri’s cock throbbed inside him .

Lauri had never felt a sensation like it; aki was so tight he almost was ashamed to admit that he might ejaculate early. Watching himself disappear inch by inch inside his friend was completely arousing. Lauri slowly lost any questioning he had about what he was doing. The usual feelings swept over him, a need to just rut into the body beneath him, but he couldn’t , this was different. 

He pulled in and out slowly at first , akis body releasing him unwillingly then accepting him back inside easier with every thrust as if aki was adjusting to him. Akis cries turned to chocked sobs and lauri almost stopped, but he had heard enough women sob when he was inside them to know, that it was just the feeling of him that was momentarily painful. He was thick and long and some girls where so tight that it was just to much for them. Akis sobs eventually turned to moans.

Lauri felt slightly uncomfortable when aki brought his hand to his own cock to pleasure himself. Its not like women had an extra part that they could play with during sex. It all felt really strange to lauri but he couldn’t entertain those thoughts for long as akis inner walls started to clench around him. He groaned, it all felt so new, so strange and so amassing. 

Lauri held akis hips and forced them back onto himself meeting them with every thrust , aki was on his elbows his head falling foreword unable to hold it up, lauri couldn’t keep his word in the end and his hips developed a relentless pace , aki screamed. It was the most intense pain he had felt since kimi had nearly killed him in the parking lot. He felt like his body might break, but it was wonderful and it was what he wanted. He felt how strong lauri was, how powerful. 

Lauri’s hips hit him one last time hard and he fell onto aki pushing them both onto the bed aki beneath him . Aki felt Lauri’s cock pulsing inside him as warm liquid filled him up making him feel oddly whole and satisfied. His own cock shot his release between his stomach and the sheets. 

Aki concentrated for a moment, he could feel Lauri’s abdominal muscles against his spine, his hard nipples against his upper back the ghosting of his breath against his ear, his pecks against his shoulders , the curve of his pelvis against his ass, and his cock softening inside him. 

Aki hissed in pain as lauri pulled out, Lauri’s semen leaking from his body down his backs of his thighs. There was a weight on the bed next to him, he turned his head and lauri was drifting off to sleep. His body coated with a fine sheen of sweat, his black hair sticking to his face and neck, he seemed exhausted but satisfied. Aki used all his remaining strength to move closer and rest his head on the younger mans chest slinging his arm over him before he to drifted of to sleep he whispered 

“I love you Lauri, always” Aki didn’t hear lauri’s reply as sleep took him.

“I love you Aki”.


	85. Berlin nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Nico life has finally started to move on.A new home and career and possibly new friends? but can he move on from Kimi?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/eerosexy.jpg.html)

Berlin was white with snow. The streets where bussing with people, the Christmas lights where on display, the smell of cinnamon, pine and muld wine filled the air. Nico loved winter, mostly because he associated it with Finland. The press may call him ‘German’ and he may race under a German flag but in his heart he was a fin and he kept his love of Finland locked away in a very special place in his heart. 

As he walked through the square to sit by one of the old monuments and watch the people go about their business, he saw a familiar figure walking close by. Nico ran foreword instantly his heart skipping a beat , he caught the figure by the arm and when there eyes met Nico couldn’t contain his excitement.

“eero!!!” gorgeous kind brown eyes where staring into his own and he was met with the most sincere welcoming warm smile, a smile that could melt the snow surrounding them. Eero brought his hand to the sides of Nicos face. Nico instantly closed his eyes , a few moments later, Eero grabbed his shoulders and when Nico opened his eyes eeros smile was even wider.

“your happy! Not everything is as you would like I suspect, but! Your happy!!” Nico launched himself into eeros arms. Eero held him tentatively and a little unsure.

It was true; Nico had finally moved out and had his own place in berlin. He and lewis where finally in formula 2 earning proper money , racing proper races. Nico had his independence now; he was his own man and his own boss. He hadn’t heard or seen kimi in almost a year, he knew of the incident with James as news headlines had flooded Germany from nikis native Austria. Nicos first thought was to go to kimi but keke and mika had united in there efforts to keep him away, even David, mika’s new partner had united with mika to advise Nico to ‘just move on with his life”. 

So Nico had , his heart pinned for kimi but time seemed to be easing his pain. He would contact kimi when it was announced that he had finally made his debut in formula 1. Nico knew kimi well enough to know , that if kimi could race then kimi had recovered from whatever trauma had befallen him. Racing was kimis life.

Nico had quickly climbed the ranks of formula 2 though Lewis still dominated and occasionally Nico felt second best , but Eero was right , he was happy.

He had a confession to make to Eero. Eero had changed his life. Nico now knew how to deal with his stresses and depression. He would close his eyes, concentrate on his body and how he felt inside, block out the world and be still and the more he did it the better he was at willing the feelings away .

“you saved me Eero, you taught me how to just be still. Im so grateful im so happy to see you! What are you doing here?! And…. you cut your hair…”

Now that Nico had time to look back, he remembered liking eeros long soft mahogany brown hair, in fact in Hein sight Nico had really loved everything about Eero. Eero was a very beautiful person, the trauma of what happened had meant that Nico only had vague fleeting memories of there time together. Eero suddenly seemed sad and as Nico pulled away he was staring at the ground.

“I’ve just been travelling, I teach people to…you know relax and try to help them with things that trouble them. And yeah I cut it…seemed like time for a change after all im not a rock star anymore” Eero seemed to think for a moment before he added

“im so sorry Nico. I could have changed so many lives, if only id let you go earlier. If only id helped more, if only id stopped him. There’s not a day goes by I don’t regret what happened. I failed”

Nico shook his head smiling reassuringly and tilted eeros chin up so there eyes met again.

“no Eero don’t dare apologize. You saved my life, I was so lost ..in more ways than I think you’ll ever know. Anyway! It’s the past. lets not dwell. This was meant to happen! We where meant to meet here tonight! Lets go for a walk. Ive often thought of you over the past year”

Eero nodded “and I you”

They walked for hours with no direction, talking and laughing. Nico was fascinated ,Eero had travelled all over the world , helping people , leading a very simple nomadic life style. The stories he had where captivating and he told them so vividly that Nico felt he was right there with Eero.

They joked and reminisced, avoiding talk of aki or kimi, Nico even managed to convince Eero to be naughty and share a mug of muld wine (eero didn’t drink alcohol) which helped warm them both up. 

Eventually they found a bench by a lake on one of the central parks. The moon was full and set center in the berlin night sky casting an eerie glow over the ripples of the lake. They sat in silence the chill ghosting their breaths. Eero felt a weight on his shoulder as Nico rested his head on him. Eero waited a moment before resting his own head on Nicos, he could feel how silky soft his hair was and smell the sweet fusion of perfumes from his shampoo.

They lost track of time as the people started to disappear from the streets. Eero decided he better walk Nico home.

“Come on sleepy, ill walk you back” nico’s eyes had started to grow heavy and he was slowly falling asleep against eeros shoulder, with a displeased yawn he moved away and Eero led them out of the park after that he followed Nicos lead. 

They walked side by side a comfortable silence having fallen between them. Occasionally Nico glanced at eeros hand. He had an overwhelming urge to hold it. Finally as they neared his apartment he slowly slipped his hand into eeros and felt relief as eeros soft chilled finger tips closed round his hand gently.  
When they reached nicos apartment complex , Nico continued to hold eeros hand as they came to a stop.

“Come up with me? I don’t want you to go just yet. We could watch some crappy German tv and ill cook something?” it was the early hours of the morning, and although food sounded appealing. Eero sensed that Nico was longing for something. Eero suspected sex. And he would under no circumstances indulge in anything like that, he had strong morals and just wasn’t a one night stand kind of guy.

“I better not, im around though. im not hard to find you’ll see me at the square most evenings”

Nico wasn’t giving in “look I don’t have kimi hidden somewhere and I don’t intend to molest you. Just spend some time together as friends? Yeah? Im just lonely I guess and you’re the first friendly face I have seen in a awhile, my formula 2 season just ended and I have done ok, I made my name known. But besides that ill be alone now till February,”

Eero changed his mind, company. That’s what Nico longed for. Eero conceded and to his surprise the evening was innocent . They watched bad Germany tv and Nico made some strange German dish that tasted good but looked pretty awful. As the sun rose , Eero could no longer fight his tiredness and he fell asleep on the couch. Nico spent a long moment admiring him. As the rays of sunlight crept along the floor and slowly up onto the contours of eeros face, Nico felt something else. Desire. He wanted Eero, he would let Eero touch him if he wanted to. Nico was attracted to him, he felt safe with him. Was it time to move on?


	86. I will run to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico rushes into things afraid of loosing eero as quickly as he'd found him , will his eagerness ruin everything or be a valuable lesson?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_nbunhoNCJO1tzosfgo1_500.jpg.html)

When Eero woke it was mid day and the sky outside was overcast, he stretched and looked around. The living area was quiet, he yawned and ran a hand through his hair the events the previous evening making him smile , then he looked down to his right and saw a head of messy blonde locks next to his thigh. Nico was curled up beside him on the couch; Eero gazed down at him fondly. 

Nico stirred and rolled over onto his back; tilting his head backwards he looked straight at Eero and flushed. He would never, ever, allow anyone to see him in the mornings without coming his hair first! Nico had standards! He couldn’t believe he had fallen asleep and not woken up first.

He smiled sheepishly up at Eero who gave him a sympathetic look and gently teased his unruly bangs out of his eyes. The gesture was simply friendly but it made nicos heart flutter in his chest. 

“Morning, I think all that awful German tv bored me and I passed out” Nico laughed a little rolled round and sat up, quickly flattening his hair and fussing over his crumpled shirt. Eero grabbed his hand to stop him.

“Steady on there, im not the prince of monoco you know. Chill out I don’t care what state your hairs in” Nico flushed redder, maybe Eero didn’t care but he did. He must look awful, and Eero looked fresh, rested and just as handsome.

Eero looked round awkwardly, tapping his fingers on his knees and suddenly stood flattening his palms on his jeans.

“uhm well..i better be off. Thank you for the food and letting me die on your couch for the evening”

Nico stood to and ran his hand through his hair again this time more out of nervous habit than preening. Eero held out his hand for Nico to shake, it all seemed a little to formal for Nico , he didn’t want Eero to think they where going to be ‘buddies’. Nico wanted Eero to ‘want him’.

Nico moved foreword and stepped into eeros space. Eero dropped his hand surprised and before he could step backwards Nico held his cheek and pressed there mouths together in a very soft gentle kiss, he was practically elated when Eero closed his eyes and he felt the slightest of pressure against his lips.

Nico pulled away just as slowly and waited, a heartbeat later Eero opened his eyes. 

Eero could read people, it was what he did , and he was very good at it. He was always aware of there energy the colors surrounding them, an aura that people carried. He knew when intentions where wrong and when moments where ‘meant to be’. He was however awful at interpreting his own feelings. He had no idea what had just happened , or why.

Nico was being open sincere and honest with him, his energy at first was calm with a hint of longing and more than a little loneliness. But what hit Eero like a knife to the chest after several moments was the sudden sweeping sadness and he watched as Nicos eyes filled with tears. And Eero knew then exactly what he was seeing, Regret. Nico had done something he shouldn’t have.

Eero backed away.  
“Hey don’t go, please?” Nicos fingers touched his forearms fleetingly. 

Eero didn’t look at him “its ok Nico, you made a mistake. It s fine just forget it”

“no!” Nico cried , he brought his fists to his face angry tears streaking his cheeks “no” he mumbled again, sounding more Brocken this time “he’s ruined me Eero! I just want to move on, why can’t I just forget him. I don’t want to feel like this anymore”

Eero turned the handle of the door but before he left he turned back to face Nico and simply stated “its because you love him Nico” 

The door closed slowly and Nico fell to his knees.

“But I think I love you to” Nico whispered as tears fell from his eyes. 

That night Nico couldn’t sleep properly, he tossed and turned visions of Eero and kimi haunting him. He had flashbacks of the lake, the tour bus, aki, mika and keke, the Scottish moors. Lines and lines of things he’d said, things others said to him, racing through his mind until everything became one massive white noise in his mind and the images raced. He woke around 4am in a cold sweat his hair soaking, under his knees and the insides of his elbows laced with sweat.

He got up and ran a glass of cold water as he tried to drink it he noticed his hand was shaking. 

Nico grabbed his coat and boots without changing or fixing his hair. He threw his long black trench coat round himself and raced out the door running the whole way to the square.

His feet scrunching the fresh un trod snow his breath visible in the brisk night air.When he reached the monuments he turned in every direction , searching , his eyes darting from one place to another. He ran to the museum steps and looked, he raced round every statue, there was no one. Even the birds had abandoned the place in favor of somewhere warm. 

Nicos face was red with the cold his nose was running; he was starting to feel rather miserable. He sat on the steps of the museum and looked at his hands. He was the only on in the square, or so he thought.

Eero was perched on top of one of the statues gazing up at the night sky counting the stars and mapping the constellations, he tried not to think of Nico. How beautiful he was, his brilliant blue eyes, his golden hair, his lips…

Eero couldn’t will the thoughts from his mind. It just wasn’t him! He didn’t do desire or longing. He was a god damn Buddhist , they didn’t indulge in the everyday sins of men. But then Eero was always pretty bad at following every teaching, he had been in a band and had earned a lot of money and although he never indulged in the drink, drugs or women. He had enjoyed himself. 

He told himself it was all just a momentary lapse in his usual calm flow. He hadn’t had sex since he was 21 and had gotten wasted with Pauli at a party. He had Passed out and been told he had slept with four girls one after the other. The experience had horrified him and that summer on vacation in India he had discovered Buddhism and meditation. He didn’t care that the band thought him weird, it worked for him. He found peace in it and he didn’t want that interrupted.

Then out of the corner of his vision he caught a figure race into the square spinning this way and that as if lost or looking for someone. He watched the young man race from corner to corner searching, then the figure stopped on the steps of the museum and looked completely dejected. Eero got down from his perch and approached, the closer he got the more he recognized the energy, the sadness, it was Nico.

Eero walked towards him quicker when he noticed he was clad only in a coat and some boots and it was absolutely freezing outside. 

Eero knelt before him, Nico raised his head slowly and his eyes lit up when he noticed him.

“Eero! You’re here!” Eero shrugged casually like the previous incident hadn’t happened.

“I said I would be didn’t i? And your either crazy or you enjoy the cold …a lot”  
nicos smile made eeros heart ache a little. He looked so lost and the sadness was overwhelming.

“Can we start over?” Nico held out his hand. Eero took it and they shook.

“Can I walk you home? This time no German tv , I will however eat your food again” Eero winked at him and helped him to his feet.

That night Nico had fallen sick, he coughed and sniffled for almost a week. Eero visited day and night and tended to him. From then on they would meet in the square day after day, eat together, talk and explore berlin and occasionally Eero walked him home. Casual conversation turned to holding hands, holding hands turned to light fleeting kisses and things progressed from there , until One evening in January after Christmas and new years spent in each others company, Eero had come up to the apartment with Nico and never left.


	87. no regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eero is gentle and calm but is he strong? strong enough to fight for what he loves?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Nico-Rosberg-Racing-Driver-Pictures.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-17at011514.png.html)

Nico and Eero fell into a routine. Eero rose each morning, kissed Nico all over his soft delicate face, watched him sleep for a few moments and then left to teach his classes. Nico would awake, to everything he needed for breakfast left out for him, it brought a warm smile to his face. He would then sit by the window and go over his de briefings and some technical blue prints for his car. 

On weekends He would fly to his races and come back as soon as the press had got their pound of flesh and open the door to eeros welcoming smile and strong arms.

They spent almost all evenings together, Nico resting his head in eeros lap as they watched bad tv. Eeros hands in his hair caressing his scalp massaging away the tension. Nico would lie on the bed and listen as Eero play guitar into the small hours of the morning. They walked hand in hand by the lake. Eero loved the sea and Nico would drive them to the coast whenever he could and watch the winds from the seas catch eeros hair and wined there way through the strands as eero closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the waves crash against the shore. 

Everything was easy with Eero there was no pressure, no drama, no stress . Everything was oddly domestic, there was a peacefulness to there relationship , an odd yet comfortable bliss. And to anyone else they would seem like they had been together for years. 

Nico only had one problem; despite everything being somewhat perfect, the problem was a rather big one from his perspective. Eero wouldn’t, sleep with Nico. At least not properly, they had come close but Eero couldn’t go through with it. It had Brocken Nicos heart a little but he chose to forget that night when Eero assured him it wasn’t because he didn’t want to. 

Eero couldn’t take Nico because of kimi. Because Eero had felt that Nico had waited so long for kimi that it would be wrong for him to do it. Eero would never encroach on kimis territory, as long as Nico still loved him. He wasn’t that strong a man. He had told Nico again that night that he felt Nico was still in love with kimi. Nico didn’t want to hear it, even if part of him had to accept that it might be true. It had been there first and only fight and the only time Nico questioned eeros ‘morals’.

They pleasured each other in diffrent ways; Nico had let the thought of them doing anything more slip away. Eero just wouldn’t, no matter how Nico tried to seduce him. Nico figured all he needed was time, time to get it into his strange head that Nico was committed to him and only him and that Nico wanted it, and Eero wouldn’t be taking something that belonged to another man, it was nico’s to give to whom he chose.

Eventually, Time ran away with them both and before they knew it they had been together almost a year. Nicos second formula 2 had season ended badly, he was out of the points having finished 11th over all. He returned home that November night, tired a little Brocken and stressed.

Eero held him for a while massaged his shoulders and ran him a bath. As Nico padded off to the bathroom the phone rang .

“ill get it, go! Go on, its not gonna be for you” Nico made to grab the receiver but eero pushed his hand away “get in the bath!” Nico grinned held his hands up in mock defeat and walked away. When the bathroom door closed eero shook his head fondly and picked up the receiver. Instantly he was filled with a terrible feeling of Dred.

“moi” came the gruff monotone voice on the other end. Someone finish, that didn’t strike Eero as surprising as ex pat fins often called him for advice on how to deal with life in Germany and how stressed they felt or to find out where he held classes. 

“moi” Eero replied.

“Who is this?” Eero was now slightly uncomfortable, he sensed something was wrong, very wrong.

“I should be asking you that question” Eero replied impatiently.

“does Nico Rosberg live there?” came the deep monotone, the voice was pretty emotionless and Eero couldn’t place it.

“who’s asking?” Eero immediately regretted saying that even before the answer came 

“its kimi Raikkonen, he knows who I am. Get him” Eero felt like all the air had just left his lungs , he pulled the reviver slowly away from his ear and closed his eyes. So this was it, the end. He knew some day he would need to give Nico away, he just hoped that he would have longer with him. But Nico wasn’t his , he belonged to kimi and deep down Eero always knew one day he would have to let him go. 

Nico opened the bathroom door and emerged with a towel round him. Eero took one long look and dropped his eyes. Nico immediately walked over to him.

“Eero what is it? Whos on the line? Is it bad news?” Eero pushed the phone too nicos bare chest and walked towards there bedroom leaving Nico gazing after him confused. Before he walked into the dark room he turned with tears in his eyes and said 

“its him, kimi” and disappeared into the darkness. Nico held the receiver, and momentarily entertained the thought of hanging up. Kimi meant drama, kimi was the past, two things Nico had let go of and didn’t need in his life. 

He could hear kimis voice calling down the phone “Nico? Nicooo? Nico!!”

He brought the phone to his ear; he would treat this like any other casual conversation. He had moved on.

“hello kimi , what do you want?” Nico could hear the heavy breathing on the other end

“uh, hi I ..i am gonna race will you come?” Nico had to use his superior intelligence to decipher kimi-speak. He assumed kimi meant to say ‘I will have my début race will you be there’. 

And because Nico knew kimi ever so well he also knew to expect kimis next question.

“who’s there with you?” Nico grinned, how very kimi. Still jealous and possessive. Nico decided kimi would need to be under no illusions; it was time to be adults.

“My partner, where is it and when” there was a silence before kimi spoke again.

“partner?” kimi repeated Nicos wording with a slight hint of shock lacing his tone of voice then he said more hopefully “race partner?” Nico needed to be up front , no lies. The truth was best kimi would just need to handle it.

“my boyfriend. Look Kimi its nice to hear from you and im glad your ok after everything that happened , however and Im busy kimi , I need to go so tell me where and when”  
Nico realized that he sounded harsher than he intended to, but Eero had caught the complete wrong end of the situation and Nico needed to be with him.

Kimi hesitated “Australia the 7th, I hope you come. Uh..Bye” kimi hung up and Nico set the phone down.

He would deal with kimi later. Nico approached his and eeros bedroom. In the dark he could make out a figure on the bed.

“Eero? Babe? Are you awake?” no answer, Nico approached the bed. Eero was asleep. Nico pushed strands of long soft brown hair behind his ear. Eero had grown his hair back out because Nico liked it better that way. Nico touched his eye lids gently, tracing his fingers over eeros cheeks and round his mouth and then kissed his forehead.

He took a moment to just stare at the man he loved, the man who had changed him. Eero was the one; he had nothing to worry over.

“I love you baby.” Nico whispered before crawling into bed beside him.


	88. Loosing you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyones lives have changed , but Kimi still holds onto the past. can he ever let go?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_lsm49p0vRR1qgv0a5o1_500.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1a1be02a5e_27402622_o2.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1721_638877382794525_383823662_n.jpg.html)

For a year lauri had been a frequent visitor to James modest Helsinki apartment, it was like they would momentarily swap houses. Lauri would arrive to be with aki and James would leave to visit Niki, kimi was still strange with him but he was slowly coming round. 

Aki and lauri where screwing, James knew that, but Niki and kimi didn’t. He kept it a secret from them, it was possibly the kindest thing he had ever done for lauri and some evenings lauri would stay for a drink with him and Aki and they would actually talk like civilized adults, it seemed to James that through aki he had begun to win lauri over. He had a different little family now. Himself and the two boys.

Lauri didn’t usually stay the night, he would return home where he had firmly established himself as the head of the family, not even kimi was a problem for him to handle and Niki was rather in awe of his younger sons command over kimi. he found himself wondering why lauri hadn’t just taken control many years ago and saved them all the hassle of kimis outbursts. Lauris new confidence in leadership was surprising everyone, possibly except aki. 

Ronnie had moved back to Sweden confident that Niki and kimi where in good hands. Niki took over the mundane tasks of the household such as bills , taxes, cooking. But lauri was in charge; he slotted perfectly into James place and was actually more worthy than James had ever been at being head.

James would visit often but he and Niki where no closer to re kindling there relationship, James was slowly having to accept that maybe they where truly over and there contact from then on would be for the sake of there sons. 

Aki was back to his old self, almost. His body was in good shape; he had gained back the weight then started working out to get some muscle back. He was back to having lauri do pretty much whatever wanted, within reason. And they had started working on songs together with hopes that maybe they might re establish something in the music industry, in the bedroom unknown to the rest of the world aki handed over his precious control to lauri, and it was exactly how he had always wanted things. He had dyed his hair back to black, he wasn’t comfortable with his resemblance to James and it had also been an issue for lauri. 

Living with aki had been good for James, oddly enough they got along and aki was actually very reasonable and intelligent, things for which James was incredibly thankful, he was grateful biology hadn’t turned Aki into an idiot like himself. 

James was proud of him and it had been an eye opener to see how much of himself had appeared in aki. Aki was stubborn, slightly blind to others feelings and argumentative all traits James himself possessed.

Lately the family had been especially close again as kimi had suddenly declared he wanted to race. McLaren instantly came to Niki with the best offer for kimi and reluctantly Niki negotiated on kimis behalf and the deal was done. Kimi would debut with McLaren with mikas new partner David coulthard as his team mate.

James was delighted but kimi still wasn’t quite ready for any affection and a simple handshake was all James could do to congratulate him, which stung massively. He wanted to throw his arms round kimi and tell him how immensely proud he was and how he loved him and knew he would do amazingly well, but all the visions he had of that day and how it might have been where very different from how it was. 

James had imagined himself and Niki standing side by side watching and celebrating kimi’s achievement together. Instead he came to the house after the celebrations had ended, he hadn’t been invited to the main event and had barely ten minutes with kimi who was silent as the grave and shrugged when James had asked him how he felt and if he was nervous. But kimi was kimi, a man of actions not words.

James was actually relived to have come home to aki , who had moved a rather large drum kit into his living room and was making enough noise to wake the dead. He had smiled at James when he got home put down his drumsticks and suggested a night at the pub. They frequently visited the local bar together it was where James had gotten to know aki over that past year. 

James apartment had become more and more homely as it became apparent that he would be staying there on a more permanent basis. At some point along the way a picture of aki had ended up on the wall with lauri and kimi. Niki had his two sons which he dotted upon , James had three. He would smile to himself everyday when he passed the pictures, his three sons, each with a very special place in his heart. Gradually James had become happier, he still wanted Niki back but life was good and the guilt and sorrow was easing.

A few weeks before Christmas James had an unexpected visitor. Kimi had suddenly arrived at the door. Aki had been lounging on the sofa, kimi and him hadn’t set eyes upon one another since the parking lot two years previous and when he entered the door with James aki was sure he had lost moments of his life , the locked eyes and kimi seemed to go into a very attack like posture aki took a breath. There was no way he was going to fight, instead he did something he thought he would never find himself doing, he held out his hand. 

Kimi starred at it for a long moment and then he brought his hand to akis, they shook and James watched feeling rather relieved. It was strange, he was watching both his sons together yet they were not brothers and had no relationship to one another.

“uh” James cleared his throat “well , so I think kimis here to have a talk.” James looked at kimi who just nodded as a reply. Aki took the hint,

“yeah sure , ill just grab my wallet” it took aki less than a minute to disappear which James thought was a record because aki was one of the laziest young men he knew , he rivaled even kimi!.

“Have a seat ill get you a drink” again a shrug was all James got as a reply. Kimi noticed the picture of Aki between himself and Lauri, he didn’t like that. not one bit.

James handed kimi his drink and sat next to him, kimi shuffled away a little which made James feel incredibly sad but he tried not to show it.

Kimi nursed his beer but wasn’t drinking it, James immediately knew something was bothering him.

“ok kimi , so I know you hate going round in circles . you want something don’t you? Or you want to talk about something? So just tell me, whatever it is , if you need something or something’s happened ill do my best to help” 

Kimi stayed silent and occasionally glanced round the room or at the carpet, almost as if wanting James to guess so he didn’t have to speak.

“Kimi, son I can’t read your mind.” kimi sighed and finally took a long drag of his beer, James hoped it would loosen his tongue.

“I called Nico” kimi started , James raised his eyes to the ceiling , he knew what was coming next . The name ‘Nico’ was a bad word when it came to kimi 

“he’s screwing someone, its not like I care, I don’t care .” Kimi was always cryptic and James knew the whole context of the situation without kimi elaborating , in fact James could probably guess how the conversation had gone down between them and he was sure he would be accurate.

“let me see, so I bet you called mika for nicos number yes?” kimi nodded “and then you called Nico and probably instead of him some stranger answered the phone” kimi nodded again, James was to good at this. “And then you asked questions and didn’t like the answers nico gave you” kimi didn’t nod that time instead he finished his beer and took James’s out of his hand and finished that one as well. 

“ok kimi” James ran his hand up and down kimis back “its ok son, you’ll be fine. Hes been out of your life a very long time, its just a little shock. You will find someone and be happy to, just wait there is no rush” kimi shook his head furiously closing his eyes

“no, I want Nico” James heart felt heavy for his son, finally kimi had come back to him , but James couldn’t fix this for kimi. 

Aki had been listening in from outside, he had to tell Lauri. Aki and Lauri both suspected who Nicos ‘partner’ was. It was time to test their theory.


	89. Light and Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico has his most eventful day since the parking lot when a very unexpected visitor shows up in Germany.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/NicoRosberg.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1505469_794592340556361_1313407825_n.jpg.html)

 

The morning after kimis phone call Eero was distant, Nico tried to butter him up. Offering a drive to the beach because eero loved the water, or a day in bed together. Eero just wasn’t his usual self and kept replying with “whatever you want” or “I don’t mind”.

By mid day after a whole morning of looking at eeros miserable form, Nico had enough. One phone call from kimi and everything unraveled again?. Well he was not going to let it.

“Right enough! I’ve had enough! Stop mopping around! Kimi called, yes. So what? its not like the universe suddenly imploded! He wanted me to go to his debut race, I agreed BUT if this is what’s going to come of it then I am not going! Look Eero , whatever is going through your head just now , stop ok? I am right here , I love you im happy please don’t ruin it. If it’s going to hurt you this much I wont go ok?”

Suddenly Eero felt incredibly small. He tried so hard to be above such pettiness but he had convinced himself his time with Nico was done and the thought was eating away at him, and there was Nico practically telling him he never had to let him go , in fact he never even had to consider it. In love and happy? Eero was sure he hadn’t imagined that. 

Nico approached him at the breakfast bar and leaned in close smiling at him , Eero tried is best to avoid looking at him. He hated when Nico did this, it was so childish and it never failed to make him smile, and this time was no different Nico made a mock sad face and Eero giggled swatting at him to move away.

“alright ok, im ok , and of course you have to go! I was just making something out of nothing, and did you just tell me..you loved me?” Nico nodded ,he didn’t want to make a huge deal of it, he’d wanted to say it for a long time. He’d said it often enough when Eero was asleep. 

“Yes..i did , and well. Id like my tranquil Buddhist back please.” Nico kissed him and Eero melted into him. Nico was so beautiful , Eero was completely under his spell. So much so that his usual calm rational thinking pattern was becoming completely disrupted and he constantly felt pangs of desire, something completely at odds with what he taught and practiced. 

Nico was to irresistible and when he pulled Eero up from the stool and steered them towards the bedroom Eero was already aroused.

“I love you to Nico” Eero breathed out before they hit the bed. 

Eero practiced something called ‘tantra’ with Nico , it was all about respecting each others bodies and energy , about abandoning any end goal such as ejaculating and just exploring each other . Eero had effectively trained Nico to have multiple ‘mini orgasms’ without ejaculating. Eero himself was pretty masterful at staying erect whilst having lots of orgasms and not releasing. The practice involved a lot of foreplay and they had still not had penetrative sex, they would give each blowjobs , caress each other for hours , kiss one another passionately , Nico would let Eero rim him and finger him. He would moan softly , at first he had been embarrassed at how he sounded but Eero adored it. Still Eero hadn’t made any attempts to enter him. Nico had to admit he was growing a little more than restless despite loving there intimacy and adoring how Eero had effectively taught him to be at ease with himself and his body.

When the silence had fallen over them and they lay side by side, Eero slowly drifting off to sleep Nico chose that moment to finally ask Eero , why. Surely he was over the whole ‘nico belonged to kimi thing’ if he said he wasn’t nico was going to hit him, hard. 

“babe?” Eero turned to him those gorgeous brown eyes hazy with sleep 

“yeah?” 

“why wont you enter me? why are we still doing it just like this? You must know how much I want you. Babe is there something wrong? Why wont you make love to me?”

Suddenly Eero was struck by images of the first time him and Nico had properly touched and how close he had been back then to doing it. Then how he had ruined it and Nico had been so hurt and angry. But At that point it would have been just sex, Eero was sure it wouldn’t have meant anything. Now Nico was right, they hadn’t properly made love and he had no real reason for why not, after all he certainly was not willing to give Nico over to kimi anymore. And he had spend all this time working with Nico on his sexuality and his body . He wouldn’t be struck with any guilt now if they did do it, they were together, it had been almost a year and they where in love.

It was something they where long overdue, Eero reached over and touched nicos face watching him close his eyes and nuzzle his hand.

“I don’t have a reason why we haven’t done that anymore , and there’s nothing wrong. If its what you want, then it’s what we will do”

Nico opened his eyes again “its what I want, more than anything. I want you to want it to, not just me , I want it for both of us. Together, something we experience together”

Eero nodded, he wanted it to be special though and there was no way they would be doing it just to get it over with.

“on December 5th it will be exactly one year since I saw you again. Lets make it a special memory” nico smiled and tears filled his eyes, Eero knew the date they had met again? Nico thought only he had made a mental note of that. They would make love for the first time on their ‘anniversary’? Nicos heart ached with how much he loved this man.

“Eero your perfect” Nico whispered closing the space between them and kissing him adoringly. 

The next morning Eero had his class to take and Nico didn’t have any debriefings or meetings with the team for the next season. His morning was clam and uneventful until the phone rang with a very unexpected caller.

“hello?”

“hey Nico, remember me?” it took Nico a moment then he remembered, soft voice with a slight bit of grit to it, lauri.

“Lauri! How did you get my number? And why the heck would you be calling me?” Nico laughed as he said it so lauri knew he wasn’t being cutting, lauri laughed back a little

“I ugh guess I just thought id call, sorry by the way, I was an ass to you last time we met” Nico remembered , well it wasn’t exactly that lauri had been awful to him , he had just ignored him and ignored what aki was putting him through still Nico felt no hard feelings after all , he was having a relationship with lauris best friend and band mate Eero. Then it dawned on him , Eero and lauri wrote to one another of course lauri had the number he probably even had the address AND he probably knew about there relationship…Nico suddenly wondered exactly how much Eero had told lauri.

“and uhm actually Nico, im calling because my bassist Eero lives in your building somewhere I was wondering if you’d seen him around”

Lauri did have the address , but it was only for the building and Eero obviously had not given him the flat number. He was covering up their relationship?, possibly because lauri would tell kimi and that would cause no end of problems. Nico decided to play along.

“yeah I have seen him around sometimes. He teaches some strange yoga thing somewhere” lauri laughed again

“yeah , sounds like Eero. Well please let him know I called. He told me his flat doesn’t have a phone , you don’t happen to know what number he is in do you?”

“sorry lauri I don’t, I’ve only seen him a couple of times” 

“hmmm” lauri hummed , Nico was not expecting what came next 

“you know Nico I hate liars.” Nico was a little stunned 

“wha..What do you mean by that?”

“ive been on vacation in Germany and I happened to see a certain someone walking hand in hand with my bass player , and conveniently when kimi called your flat a stranger answered and you and Eero both magically live in the same building? . ow dear now I wonder what might be going on? Im outside your building Nico I suggest when I buzz you let me up or im phoning kimi with some nice juicy news on who your lovely partner is. im not in the mood for games all I want is to see Eero don’t mess with me. I fucking hate liars” 

Nico detected a hint of aki in lauris voice, he had never known lauri to make threats, but after the fiasco with James Nico knew exactly why lauri hated liars. Despite that, He didn’t want to give in, in fact he wanted to tell lauri he didn’t care what he told kimi. But then again he feared for Eero, he didn’t want any trouble and he certainly did not want Eero, who would never hurt a fly never mind lift his hand to another human being, getting attacked by kimi, which is what Nico suspected would happen. If Kimi hurt Eero it would end Nico he couldn’t take anything happening his lover .The phone line went dead and his buzzer sounded. He let lauri in.


	90. Being the better man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico is confronted with horrible past demon , can his love and trust for Eero pull him through?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-18at133142.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_n9zfmgKBfD1taoflso1_500.png.html)

When Nico opened the door he felt like he might be having a heart attack as he was met with the sight of Aki standing behind Lauri , a terror filled him and he instantly tried to close the door. Lauri forced himself inside, Nico darted away as quickly as he could and tried to grab the phone to call the police but lauri seized him and held nico’s hands behind his back, Lauri was to strong. Nico cried out desperately.

“Help! Help!!” Aki forced his hand over nicos mouth; it was more a reflex reaction and not intended to scare Nico but Nico instantly panicked more attempting to scream louder as he struggled against Lauris grip. 

So they had come to finish what they started? All Nico could think about was Eero, tears fell from his eyes, what was Eero going to come home to? Would they torture him? Nico feared most of all that they would rape him. The thought of Aki touching him…He’d rather die.

“Stop struggling we are not here to hurt you! Were here to talk with Eero! That’s all! Calm down and stop fucking screaming! If you stop Aki will take his hand off your mouth and ill let you go, ok?”

Nico tried to relax against lauri and slowly he felt lauris hands release his wrists, lauri nodded at Aki who took his hand away from Nico’s mouth. Nicos initial first thought was to run, but he was too terrified. He was face to face with Aki, lauri was behind him. Nico couldn’t meet Aki’s eyes, little did he know Aki could barely look at him either.

Eero had left class early that morning and was leisurely walking back to the apartment complex. He gazed up at there window to see if he could catch site of Nico sitting there with his computer and a whole bunch of papers, which was usually what he did every morning. Instead Nico was standing in the middle of the room between two men, instantly Eero ran for the door he didn’t have his keys in his panic he hit the buzzer multiple times .

“Nico! Who the hells in there with you? Nico hit the door button right now! Nico!” Eero yelled into the intercom.

When the buzzer sounded violently and Eeros panicked voice came through over the intercom Nico jumped.

“Eero” lauri said behind him, Nico swallowed and nodded slowly.

“Well answer it then” Nico was shaking he slowly walked to the receiver and picked it up hitting the button to let Eero inside. They could hear someone racing up the stairs. And the door swung open. Nico ran into eeros arms and held onto him tightly hiding his face against his shoulder. 

Then Eero locked eyes with lauri his gaze moved across the room to Aki. 

“hey buda boy, surprise” aki smiled at him, 

“Sorry we scarred Nico, we come in peace” lauri joked holding his hands up. 

Eero took a moment and simply stared at them in disbelief then he couldn’t hold it in any longer and laughed, he had missed them, both of them so very much. Nothing could describe how good it felt to see them both again. Despite what aki had done, Eero knew him well, they had grown up together he knew aki was nothing like the man nico had the unfortunate experience of meeting. It was a bad time in Aki’s life. And Lauri, dear sweet funny Lauri, Eero was more than happy to see him again!

Eero held Nico tightly and kissed his hair. Lauri and aki looked at one another, they had been right. Eero and nico? It didn’t look as strange as it had seemed.

“its alright Nico, I promise you its alright.” Lauri approached slowly and placed a hand on nicos back, gently he leaned in and Eero watched as lauri whispered something into nicos ear. Eero trusted lauri; lauri was the sweet soft hearted one.

“you love eero?” lauri said calmly , nico nodded as he felt the warm breath ghosting his ear “Well I love aki. We are together now,” at first nico thought that this was some kind of threat but then lauri continued “. he’d never hurt you, he didn’t mean it back then either. Your safe I promise. He’s so sorry for what he did, he has suffered Nico, and just remember eero would never let anything happen to you and now neither would I, if you’re eeros then your one of us”

Nicos head turned slowly against eeros shoulder and he gazed at lauri searching his eyes, Eero rubbed his back and aki remained at a comfortable distance. Nico nodded a little and ven managed to smile at Lauri. It had been an initial shock to see Aki, he may have over reacted. Lauri walked back to stand by akis side placing an arm round his shoulders. Eero urged Nico to let go of him gently pushing his arms away.

“come on nico, its ok. Im here” Nico eyed aki wearily but finally let Eero go, allowing Eero to take his hand and squeeze it before letting go of him completely and rushing foreword to greet his former band mates. Nico watched as the three of them collided with one another hugging and ruffling each others hair, yelling in finish about how much they’d missed each other. Aki pulled Eero close and lauri rested his head on eeros back. Nico took a deep breath and found himself smiling, Eero looked so happy. Nico couldn’t deny that the three of them looked like they belonged together, he was more than surprised to see how tears filled each of their eyes.

Then without any warning, A stout man with crazy hair passed Nico who again jumped in fright.

“Sorry guys everything’s in fucking German and I got lost!” it was pauli , lauri and aki had sourced him to a bar in Amsterdam and given him the date, time and address where they would be having a ‘reunion’.

Lauri and aki burst into fits of laughter as Eero looked over with the best expression of shock they had ever seen.

Before Nico knew what was happening there was four crazy men rolling around on his floor, cracking open bottles of beer and acting like massive children jumping screaming and wrestling one another. At one point Nico had started laughing watching them , his initial shock completely forgotten ,then Eero had pulled him foreword by his arms and forced him into the middle of it all. Lauri was pretty drunk at this point and hugged him, pauli asked would he like a smoke, Nico refused rather enthusiastically after last time. Aki held off, opting to stay as far away from him as possible Nico noted how guilty he looked. 

He also observed how passionately him and lauri had started making out on this couch. Aki wasn’t as drunk as Lauri who was pretty much ready to strip the drummer and have his way with him. Nico was ever so slightly stunned watching them.

Eero was stone cold sober as always , he never drank , much to nicos delight as it meant Nico could get wasted and get home completely safely. This time however Nico opted not to join in the festivities instead he held eeros hand drawing his gaze away from Lauri and Aki and looked lovingly up at Eero as he watched his friends contently. 

Eero hadn’t spoken about the rasmus. But Nico knew about a box Eero kept hidden away under there bed, in it was locked away his memories of the band. He had a vest top belonging to lauri, a ring of paulis and an old school photo of him and aki , along with there cd’s tour flyers and some letters they had written one another as kids in the classroom and little yellow pieces of paper which where notes they had been passing under desks hoping the teachers wouldn’t catch them. 

Nico kissed Eero on the cheek bringing his attention back to him

“Does this mean the ramus is back? Because babe I think its time. And if im honest id love to be the boyfriend of a sexy bass player” Eero smirked at him

“Are you drunk Nico?” he laughed, Nico shook his head “perfectly sober , if anything im drunk on the atmosphere , you guys are all meant to be together. the air feels wonderful” Eero got slightly concerned when he heard Nico talk like that, it was almost like Nico had spent way to much time around him. Still he smiled, Nico was right, maybe it was time? After all lauri and aki hadn’t done this for no reason. One or both of them had planned this, he had nicos support there was every reason to start again.

“aki” Nico called , the room went silent suddenly , aki turned to look at Nico. Eero wanted to instinctively pull Nico backwards as Nico approached him and lauri backed away a few paces giving them some space.

Then Aki looked at the floor, he felt so ashamed at what he had done to Nico. How he had mistreated him so badly. He couldn’t look him in the eye.

It took everything Nico had inside to let it go , lay the past to rest and forgive 

“I forgive you” he said simply. Aki’s shoulders slumped and though Nico couldn’t see his face he knew he was crying slightly. 

“thanx” aki muttered bringing his hand to his eyes obscuring himself even more. Lauri held aki and gave Nico a warm glance, Eero held Nico and pauli patted akis back comfortingly. Nico actually felt sorry for Aki, someone needed to have truly hit rock bottom in order to turn that nasty.

As the evening drew on everyone quieted and settled down on the couches with take out food and some lighter non alcoholic beverages. Pauli had to leave again that evening to stay at some hotel with his girlfriend. Lauri and aki stayed, but before pauli could go, Nico grabbed hos camera and simply called there names and when four heads turned to him , he had snapped there picture . Nico would get it developed and framed as an early Christmas gift to Eero, the re birth of the band and four friendships re kindled.

At some point during the night Nico and Eero had retired to the bedroom, leaving lauri and aki happily drunk on the couch.

The next morning Nico was first to wake, he ventured quietly into the living room and found himself stop dead and just stare.

Lauri was on his back splayed across the couch topless, aki resting peacefully ontop of him still fully clothed. Lauri had his arms around aki , they where breathing softly akis face pressed comfortably against lauris bare chest. 

It was the fact that lauri was holding aki that first struck Nico, Nico was convinced aki had been in charge. He remembered lauri sick in the bunk on the tour bus and how aki had just seemed so in control of him. Nico shook the thoughts from his head; there relationship was non of his business. He picked lauris shirt of the floor folded it neatly and placed it on the clear glass coffee table for him.

Aki began to stir just as Nico had started up the kettle to make Eero coffee. Nico glanced over trying not to make it seem obvious that he was watching. Aki rested his chin on lauri chest at watched his face; Nico got little Goosebumps up his arms and the flickering of butterflies in his stomach. He felt happy for them and he didn’t know why, he wasn’t close to lauri . He continued to watch aki, who kissed lauris chest, then he licked his pecks and began sucking one of his nipples, at that point Nico felt like he was seriously intruding, he knew how morning make out sessions started he cleared his throat loudly to make aki aware of his presence before things got to intimate. Aki shot a glance at the kitchen and when he saw Nico his face flushed but also grinned for a moment, then turned away and rested his head back on lauris chest. Nico had the sudden urge to giggle; it was embarrassing for both of them.

It was odd to share a lighthearted moment with aki, Nico felt good, he felt very good.


	91. Close to the flame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi meets someone unexpected with a very unexpected piece of information for him. Who is Lauri really? does Kimi really know the boy he was raised with? who was he before?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/205317_118794694927542_428726683_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-10-07at150850.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_mxsxbs19aC1spuzneo1_400-1.jpg.html)

 

After kimi left James, having gained sympathy and comfort but no answers or a solution to his troubles, he found himself drowning his sorrows in one of the local rock bars. It was teeming with tattooed pierced strangers and he stuck out like a sore thumb but oddly no one batted and eye lid and no one bothered him. Rocker types didn’t give a shit about some racer kid , he was just another face and he liked that.

A Tiny smile pulled at his lips as he saw a Rasmus music video play on one the screens. As he watched a much younger spikey haired lauri having the time of his life kimi was filled with the most sweeping sorrow , he remembered that lauri hadn’t sang or played an instrument for almost 2 years. The band was no more and his little brother’s whole livelihood and career was gone. Kimi felt so unbelievably guilty, he would finally race in formula 1 , finally have his moment of glory and lauris dreams had been shattered. Kimi wondered if Lauri would be home when he got back, then he remembered that he had plans to go to Germany with aki for the weekend. They both had barely spoken anymore since lauri had rekindled his ‘friendship’ with Aki , at that moment though kimi just wanted to hold his brother, he loved him so very much. He doubted lauri remembered how much. 

Kimi starred down into his beer swirling the liquid round and round willing the tears not to fall. Deep down he wanted everything back to normal, James in charge, Niki playing his usual peacekeeper , nurturing role and the sounds of Lauri’s music filling the house his soft humming from the shower and his beautiful voice filling the silence. Instead James had a new son to dote over, Niki was pretty miserable but got on with life, lauri had taken over as best he could and was trying to lift kimis sprits and be there for him. Kimi hadn’t even spared a thought for how miserable lauri might be, without his band, without his music, without everything that made him who he was.

As kimi sulked all he could think about was a little shabby looking child sat by an oak tree with raven black hair and wonderful green eyes.

“Cheer up lad it might never happen!” kimi glanced up as the bar tender slid him another beer “this ones on the house,” kimi gave him a curt thumbs up and the bar tender walked off shaking his head.

Then someone pulled out a stool next to him and sat down, kimi took no notice at first until the stranger glanced his way looking past him at the tv screen. Kimi nearly chocked on his drink. Green eyes and raven black hair, but it wasn’t lauri, although it could have been, the similarity was un canny. Except this man was slimmer , his face less rounded more angular and his eyes weren’t as bright. He was wearing a waistcoat, a tie and a black beanie had. He looked down at kimi as he coughed, his beer having gone down the wrong way.

“You could die quietly you know” the stranger said mockingly as he slapped kimis back. Eventually kimi stopped coughing.

“thanx” kimi managed , unable to stop glancing over at the stranger afterwards. after the fifth look from kimi the guy had began to notice. The bar tender slid the man a bottle of beer and he took a long drink of it before he addressed kimi again.

“I could send you a framed picture if you’d like?” he said smirking, kimi looked over confused before he caught onto what was happening.

“uh..sorry. You look like someone” the stranger eyed him amused.

“ow? now im interested , who would the someone be?” kimi shrugged , he didn’t really want to engage in this conversation any further. Infact he didn’t want to engage in conversation with anyone, he just wanted to drink alone and sulk.

The bar tender cut in unexpectedly “you do look a bit like that crazy haired kid that had the really popular band a few years ago, come to think of it you look a lot like him . Maybe that’s who he was talking about?” the bartender turned to kimi for some kind of confirmation that he was right; kimi shrugged again and took a drink of his beer. The stranger was now ignoring kimi and turned his attention to the bar tender.

“What kid form what band? This is getting like some kind of conspiracy theory” he laughed as he said it and the bar tender retrieved the remote control for the tv rewinding the tape that was playing back to the ramus video. When lauri appeared the bartender pointed.

“That guy! Jesus you both could pass for brothers!” the strangers expression darkened considerably and his sarcastic demeanor was gone he downed his beer and slid off the stool winking at the bartender.

“no resemblance, you two need your eyes checked.” The bartender laughed and the guy made for the door. Kimi had no idea why but he followed him.

When kimi was about to enter back out into the cold Helsinki night he noticed a tour flyer with the stranger on it surrounded by a group of other men it read;

“H.I.M Scandinavian tour”

So the guy was in a band? Maybe he knew lauri? Or maybe that was the reason kimi found him so familiar looking? Kimi caught sight of him round the corner and followed him further.

He didn’t have to walk far as the guy had stopped to have a smoke outside one of the other bars. He glanced up and there eyes met.

“you again? Not gonna choke on me this time I hope” he was smirking again and blew smoke in kimis direction.

Kimi stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked over to stand next to him

“you know lau” kimi still had to work on his public speaking and to stop assuming people just knew what he was talking about , not everyone understood his short clipped sentences. Luckily this guy did seem to know whom he was referring to .

“rasmus kid? Ya, I knew him once” kimi nodded.

“You tour together?” the Stranger laughed, it was a rather evil laugh kimi felt a bit uncomfortable.

“no! I knew that kid about twenty years ago” kimi glanced over shocked, twenty years ago? Before lauri had been adopted? How was that possible?

The stranger dropped his cigarette bud to the ground and snuffed it out, he saluted kimi playfully and went to walk inside the bar.

“hey” kimi called and the stranger turned to him .

“how do you know my little brother?” the stranger grinned, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

“Because, kimi.” Kimi froze at the sound of his own name, the strangers expression now seemed guarded and dangerous “he was once my little brother” .   
Kimi stood rooted the spot long after the strange man had disappeared into the bar.


	92. the Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> life moved on for Nico , but what about poor sebastian? has a childhood of fame and constraints and all he witnessed with Kimi turned him reckless?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i mean no offence to any Germans or Germany in this chapter! nor am i hinting at any cultural stereotypes in order to offend people. I love Germany. one of my best friends is german ;) its all to aid character development and plot ;)

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/30359389.jpg.html)

 

Sebastian hated Germany. He hated the dry lifelessness of Munich, the non existent sense of humor of the people, the forwardness and impoliteness , most of all he hated living with keke. In contrast, Sebastian loved Finland.

Nothing pleased him more as he grew older than carefree days in Mikas back garden. He had suffered nightmares from that incident a year ago. Visions of Kimi falling lifelessly to the ground in his arms, keke couldn’t take it so Sebastian moved away. Once in Finland the nightmares stopped. 

Sebastian rubbed the scar on his leg absentmindedly whenever thoughts of kimi filled his mind. He thought about kimi a lot. He now lived barely 10 minutes away from kimi’s house with Mika and David.

David was pushing for Sebastian to get a seat with torro rosso. Karting straight to F1, he would beat Nico and possibly kimi. Debuting before either to them. But the thought didn’t make him as happy as it should. Kimi should already be out there.

If he did make his debut , he would be the youngest driver ever to do so at barely 19 years old. 

He was sat on the old wooden bench swing in the garden staring at the back of the house. Through the window he could see Mika and David cooking together, laughing about something. Mika was happy again but Sebastian wished deep down that it were keke putting that smile on his face. He liked David , a lot but it wasn’t the family he had started off in. Sebastian had to except those days where gone and now without Nico. He was lonely, truth was he had always been a lonely child. Spending too much time with adults had made him seem to ‘old fashioned’ for those his age and even those not that much older and they had all deemed him ‘annoying’.

As the light show flakes started to fall Sebastian thought back to the day James hit him with the car. How exciting it had all been, kimis intense blue eyes flashed before him. The way kimi cared so much and so deeply for his brother that he had burst his knuckles on the wall in frustration when Niki suggested he stay with Sebastian because he was ill. Even though Sebastian was injured and in pain kimi only thought of Nico. Sebastian longed for someone to care for him that deeply.

Mikas voice pulled him from his thoughts 

“seb! Come inside, dinners ready and its freezing out there!” 

“Coming!” Sebastian called back. He stood slowly and took one last look round the garden. Everything was white and still, Sebastian wished he had a friend to race through the snow with, make snow angels, climb the trees, explore the forest or go swimming in the lake….

Then he remembered. The lake was off bounds; Nico had nearly perished in that lake. Sebastian wanted to go there, he wanted to know what was so awful about that place that he had never been alowed to go. He decided that evening he was going for a walk, or a swim.

At dinner Sebastian was distant, David noticed first.

“seb? Ya oryte ?” Sebastian merely nodded and played with the food on his plate, it took him a while longer to announce his ‘plans’.

“hey Isa?” mika looked up at him and smiled over his wine glass.

“yes son?” Sebastian felt nervous like they could all of a sudden read his mind.

“im gonna go for a walk later, is that ok? I wont be out late, I just like the snow”

David raised an eyebrow at him 

“you ..like the snow? Ok…” mika and David looked at each other and both smirked.

“son if you are off on a ‘date’ its fine, you don’t have to be embarrassed! Just be..careful. You know what I mean” Sebastian instantly went scarlet. He had spoken to the neighbors daughter a few time, she was in no way interested in him she was just being friendly. Obviously mika and David had gotten the complete wrong end of the stick. Sebastian thankfully was clever enough to use there little misunderstand to his advantage. he played on it.

“uh..uhm..no..well…its not like that!” David and mika burst out laughing, mika patted his shoulder and ruffled his hair. Sebastian pretended to be offended and completely amused . They where buying it, they didn’t suspect he was up to something else.

He excused himself abruptly from the dinner table emerging an hour later with a back pack and wearing his ‘good jacket’ so mika and David continued to buy there own story David even hollered –

“have a fun first kiss..or the other thing! Be safe Use protection! ” they laughed in unison As Sebastian slammed the door.

He was more than offended that they thought he was still a virgin, which was true , but that was beside the point.

Once far enough from the house Sebastian stuffed his dress jacket into his backpack changed into some thermals and waterproofs then set out for the forest.  
It was getting really dark really early in Finland now and Sebastian could barely see his hand on front of his face. Luckily he had ‘borrowed’ mikas flashlight. 

It was cold but not cold enough for the lake to be frozen, the waters where as black as the sky and completely calm. A mist was settling along the surface. The woods where eerily quiet. Sebastian almost lost his nerve, as he stood completely alone in the darkness surrounded by trees and the noisy silence.

Finally he pulled himself together lay down the flash light by the edge of the lake so he could see , removed his heavy winter jacket and old trousers. The cold hit him instantly despite his thermal waterproofs. He sucked in a deep breath and took a few steps into the water cursing instantly in German , finish and English at the shock of the cold.

He forced himself further in , when he couldn’t take the chill on his feet any longer he forced himself foreword on his stomach and swam as quickly as possible further into the lake. 

It was a beautiful peaceful night. Sebastian didn’t see what was so awful about this place, after all it was just bad memories. Those kinds of Memories can be gotten rid of, buried away, put to rest . 

Sebastian lay on his back the cold water lapping at the nape of his neck , the moon was full but obscured by one single dusty grey cloud floating idly across it.

The water temperature began not to bother him so much after awhile and he relaxed. His body started to shiver a little, he was beginning to drift off staring at the moon , slowly his eyes closed. He waved his arms gently just enough to keep him afloat.

There was a noise in the distance, Sebastian ignored it. There was plenty of reindeer around, suddenly his flash light started to flicker as if the battery was dying.

“shit” he muttered , he had swam pretty far out , he swam as fast as he could but the shore seemed to keep moving further away . Then the light went out and it was black.


	93. save me once again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kimi is home alone and drowning his sorrows in alcohol when his dog senses something is wrong ...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/LifeStyle_Wrangler_Kimi_Raikkonen_008.jpg.html)

Sebastian froze, he couldn’t see a thing he vaguely thought he remembered where the edge of the lake was so he swam as quickly as he could but the water wasn’t appearing to get any shallower for all he knew he was swimming further in, he stopped again. His eyes weren’t adjusting and the single cloud that had drifted leisurely in the sky moments before was now obscuring the moon completely. 

Sebastian knew what to do, wave his arms and legs with just enough effort to keep him afloat, don’t expel too much energy with panic or erratic movements and try to stay clam. The water was rather cold and he had been in for a very long time, he was shivering his teeth clattering against one another.

After what seemed like an endless amount of time but in reality was barely a few minutes he started calling out hoping someone would hear

“help! Anyone there! Hello! Help!” no answer he continued to call out his voice echoing through the trees

“help!! Someone! Help!!!”

Kimi had returned home after his meeting with the stranger in Helsinki and drowned himself in more beer. Niki was away on business and lauri had left with aki for Germany that evening, Leaving kimi all alone. James had tried to talk sense into him but kimi was to stubborn and to focused on finding nicos new boyfriend and ‘beating him senseless’ to hear any reason. What’s worse kimi may have just run into a biological relative of lauri. Kimi hadn’t yet spoken to Niki about any of it, he had no idea why he had told James about nico. James was just always the easiest option for offloading on, Niki would be to sympathetic and to concerned and kimi couldn’t handle his ‘mothering’ sometimes, although he loved him dearly. 

So He was alone that evening, the tv was on but its purpose was meerly to provide some back ground noise. Kimi had contracts from McLaren to sign , car blue prints to get familiar with and a de briefing pack to read, all of which Niki had laid out for him on the kitchen table before he left. Kimi had no intention of looking at any of it. He was lounging on the couch trying not to think of Nico and another man holding him, touching him, strange hands on nicos chest his arms, touching his thighs caressing him down there…kimi snapped. he jumped off the couch startling the dogs and grabbed another case full of beers. He downed one after the other until he felt delightfully numb and could finally lay back and just fall asleep.

As his eyelids grew heavy his own dog, Ajax the German shepherd, a present from lauri after he came home to take care of everyone, started to stir. Its ears pricked up and its head rose from resting on its paws and it gazed at the door. Kimi looked over, the alcohol coursing through his system making him sluggish he turned his head slowly to follow the dogs eye line.

“wasss up aja..ajax” he slurred , the young dog looked his way and yapped, then it let its head fall back to its paws and closed its eyes. As kimi was about to do the same its head shot bolt up right again its ears facing foreword and it was once again staring at the front door.

After a few moments Ajax got up and started barking kimi waved his hand at the dog annoyed.

“shh! Lay down!” ajax distress alerted nikis dogs, two Dobermans with very loud distinctive voices and they to started to bark. The noise was deafening.

“shut up! All of you!” the dogs normally incredibly obedient didn’t listen and looked from him to the door and back barking. Kimi got off the couch and Ajax raced to him bouncing up and down barking up at him then raced to the front door. Kimi followed finally realizing that the dogs where trying to tell him something.

Kimi hoped it wasn’t a reindeer because if it was he was putting all three off them outside for the night! He didn’t care if they froze there tales off , the noise was giving him a headache! Kimi opened the door to looked out but as soon as he did Ajax raced past him out into the snow.

Kimi made an infuriating noise and waved his arms , the automatic flood light above the door illuminating the snow covered yard .

“ajax! Come here now!” the dog crawled foreword a little thne raced away then crawled back and raced away again, kimi had never seen him act so oddly. Then to make matters worse the two Dobermans ran out past him. Niki would murder him if those dogs ran off.

“kaia! Kaizer!!” the Dobermans where barking in the direction of the woods and Ajax kept attempting to come to him then decided not to and bounded away again. 

Kimi got his coat and boots and grabbed his keys and the flashlight off the table in the hallway, if the dogs wanted to play games then fine he would catch each one and lock them in the garage!

As soon as he set foot outside the three raced towards the woods.

“for fuck sake!” kimi bellowed and raced after them. The flashlight casting a long glow ahead of him which split as it bounced off the trees. Kimi was still pretty numb from the drink and didn’t pay any attention to the direction in which the dogs led him. Before he knew it the light hit the reflection of the water and kimi felt like he had been shot. 

Instantly he saw a child walking out on to the ice , he watched as it cracked and the child disappeared , he heard he distressed screams of the childs father . He remembered the soaking black hair and eerie green eyes of the child who had saved them. He dropped the flash light and ran , the dogs barking echoed in his ears then he stopped in his tracks as he heard someone cry out

“hey! Is someone there?! Help! Hey!!” kimi looked back over his shoulder, he couldn’t face the lake, but someone was calling out from that direction…and the dogs had led him there.  
Slowly kimi turned back, he picked up the flash light with shaky hands and cast it across the water , he could clearly see someone in the far distance towards the other end of the lake , when his light fell on them they waved there arms and called out again

“hey! Keep the light still!” kimi held the light steady and the figure began to swim towards him. The three dogs all assembled by his side and Ajax looked up at him panting as if wanting rewarded for finding someone, kimi scratched behind the pups ears with his free hand and muttered 

“good dog” the two Doberman yapped at him disapprovingly

“I never liked you two” kimi said and Ajax seemed to scoff in delight.

As the figure got closer kimi almost had to blink away his disbelief. 

“vettel!” he gasped as the skinny youth crawled up onto the bank soaking and exhausted shivering madly he looked up at kimi and seemed just as stunned if not more so

“ki..kimi?!”


	94. someone's gonna light you up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi hasn't been in Sebastians company for a very long time , but seb soon discovers he has not changed all that much

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-10-12at224317.png.html)

Sebastian felt utterly ashamed and embarrassed. Kimis gaze was baring down on him and there where three rather large dogs all eyeing him suspiciously. 

Kimi shone the flashlight directly in his face making him wince and squint at the intense light.

“What the fuck are you doing you little moron!!” kimi was livid. This stupid kid had gone for a night swim in possibly the most dangerous lake in their town. No one went near it after what happened with him Nico and lauri! They hadn’t been the first to fall in, this lake had a bad reputation for drowning’s. And despite that Sebastian still went in! he should have had more respect for the place! After all his brother nearly lost his life there! 

Kimi was in two minds to throw Sebastian back in and let him freeze! But then again…he was shivering like mad his lips where blue and his hair had little bits of frost clinging to it. He looked so pathetic and weak, kimis heart melted a little bit.

“i..i..uhm . I was swimming and my light went out.” That much was obvious, kimi was beginning to think the kid was a bit dense. He rolled his eyes, his head was pounding and the alcohol was still coursing through his veins even though he felt a hell of a lot more sober than before.

Sebastian tried to stand , kimi following him up with the flashlight. His knees where shaking so hard he could barely stay steady . He fell forward suddenly onto kimi, ajax jumping to the side out of the way and barking disapprovingly and the stranger now clinging onto his master.

Kimi held Sebastian up trying to juggle both him and the flashlight. It wasn’t working, he wasn’t co ordinated enough. He dropped the light and grabbed Sebastian with both hands.

“sss sorry k k kimi” Sebastian stuttered, the change in temperature was now beginning to take its effect and Sebastian’s body was going into slight shock. Kimi sat him back down onto the snow took off his jacket and wrapped it round Sebastian . He took a moment to think about what he was going to do next. His house was closer than mika and David’s. But kimi would have to carry him, kimi was getting more and more frustrated by how his evening was panning out. 

Maybe he could get one of the dogs to alert someone? But then again they weren’t that smart. He grumbled and moaned in Finnish kicking a near by tree branch. Sebastian would have been even more apologetic if it wasn’t for the fact that he was slowly loosing consciousness , sleep seemed like an awesome idea, and he was so cold… 

Kimi heard the thud as Sebastian fell sideways onto the snow and the three dogs erupted into choruses of insane barking. Sebastian was still awake but looked rather dazed , kimi would have to swallow his pride and just carry him. 

Sebastian was light enough as kimi scooped him into his arms . he bent down and managed to pick the flash light up and place it on Sebastian’s chest , seb brought a weak hand out from under kimis jacket and held the light steady.

The dogs lead the way and kimi followed, taking a brief glance back at the lake before leaving it behind him once again. 

As he trudged through the heavy snow, now feeling the bitter coldness against his own body, having giving seb his jacket , he took a few brief glances down at the skinny bundle in his arms. Sebastian’s head was resting against his shoulder and his eyes where staring up at the trees as the they passed overhead. 

Kimi had to forgive him for his recklessness and utter disregard for what he had done. After all kimi was still making stupid reckless mistakes and he was no longer a teenager so didn’t have that as an excuse.

Kimi was relieved when he saw the floodlights of the house in the distance, he was nearly home. The dogs where all waiting by the door when he trudged through the snow covered front yard, they barked happily when he got close.

“good dog ajax” he muttered to the pup who was nuzzling his elbow. Kimi somehow managed to open the door without dropping Sebastian completely. Once inside the warmth from the living room fire hit them both and the warm contrasting glow of the soft amber and orange lighting was a welcome contrast to ominous blues and whites of outside.

Kimi kicked the door closed and walked Sebastian over to the couch. He laid him down and propped some pillows under his head . 

Sebastian would need a look warm bath, plenty of dry warm sheets and some warm liquids and possibly a night by the fire. He had a minor chill, kimi had seen a lot more serious cases of people who had been outside in the Finnish lakes for to long in winter, seb was lucky he wasn’t to badly frozen.

Kimi supposed since Sebastian wasn’t under age that alcohol wasn’t out of the question , simple tea or cocoa would cut it. He needed something stronger, kimi made some hot lemon whiskey and honey with a few cloves thrown in. it was lauris cure to everything and to kimis knowledge it worked every time! Sebastian held the mug in both hands and sipped at the drink screwing his face up, kimi found it more than amusing. 

“drink it you big baby” when kimi wandered off to run the bath Sebastian looked over the back of the couch and glanced at the shelves behind him.

Trophies and pictures lined every shelf, kimis, nikis, James one world championship, and even Lauri’s gold plated cds from when the first two albums sold over 5000 copies each. It was family of success, at least on the surface anyway. Sebastian new things on the inside weren’t, as they seemed, he wondered if kimi was ok?   
Physically he seemed fine, Sebastian was more than relieved. When kimi had fallen into a coma in hospital and Sebastian had heard all kinds of scare stories in the media about how his head was scarred from surgery and that he wouldn’t talk or walk again, he had felt sick and completely depressed. 

Kimi re emerged after around 10 minutes , Sebastian felt a lot better already.

“Bath.” Kimi gestured towards the bathroom “ill leave clothes at the door” Sebastian stood his legs still shaky and slowly approached the bathroom.

Kimi sat on James arm chair which wasn’t soaking wet. He would need to find away to dry the couch before Niki got home. He hadn’t really thought things through all that well!

Sebastian lay back in the bath a sighed contentedly. It was warm and comfortable and felt even better because kimi had ran it for him. The bathroom was incredible, like most bathrooms in Finland and the door beside the bath led down stairs to the sauna. Sebastian knew Nico had been down there with kimi numerous times. His mind wandered to what his brother and kimi might have gotten up to down there , but he knew truthfully there was no way anything happened they where far far to young at that time. 

Sebastian wondered exactly how intimate Nico and kimi had gotten? They had spend massive periods of their adolescence away from one another and when they did meet it was always a drama. Sebastian thought it safe to assume kimi and Nico hadn’t gotten very far in there complicated relationship. His thoughts must have distracted him for a lengthy period of time because after awhile he heard the annoyed knocking at the bathroom door.

“Ill be right out!” the knocking stopped and Sebastian heard the distinctive noise of something dropping to the floor outside the bathroom. When Sebastian creaked the door open and looked down kimi had left him a neatly folded towel and next to that a pair of plain blue underwear a folded vest t shirt (which would no doubt be far to large for Sebastian’s small frame) and a pair cargo pants (which again would probably drown Sebastian). They didn’t look like kimi s clothes though…Sebastian pulled the stuff into the bathroom and closed the door again drying himself off with the towel which he noted was slightly warmed up …had kimi put it by the fire for him? Sebastian beamed at the thought of kimi being so considerate and found himself grinning madly. 

When he examined the clothes more closely he instantly recognized them. They where lauris old clothes from when he was a teenager. Sebastian didn’t know how he felt about wearing Lauri’s clothes…maybe he was thinking to much into it, after all they where only clothes and none of kimis things would fit him, it was only logical to give him something of Lauri’s., still Sebastian hesitated before pulling the vest top over his head and pulling on the underwear (which he noted was kimis after all because lauri hated blue) and the track pants.

When Sebastian caught site of himself in the mirror he looked oddly like how lauri had looked years ago except his face bore no resemblance. He had the same skinny frame and the clothes hung the same way on his torso. He quickly placed the towel on the wrack to dry and exited the bathroom.

Kimi was meandering about in the kitchen looking for pain relief pills as his hangover had started to kick in. in the process he had pulled various cupboards apart and scattered numerous pots and pans all across the floor. His vision was starting to blur and he was seeing those annoying little rainbow coloured dots , a migraine was imminent and he had to get some pills quickly!

Sebastian approached cautiously now feeling a lot warmer and suffering no adverse side effects from his little late night swim.

“kimi? Are you ok? Can I help you look for something?” Sebastian was ignored as kimi continued to ran sack the kitchen. He jumped about three feet in the air when kimi suddenly screamed in frustration clutched his temple and slid down the cupboards to the floor. He peered through his fingers and could vaguely make out a skinny figure approaching him , white vest top and baggy cargo trousers, lauri?

“lau?” kimi asked. Sebastian froze. 

“lau my head hurts,” kimi suddenly sounded far more comfortable his tone of voice less jarring and cutting than it usually was when he addressed Sebastian. Did kimi really think he was lauri?? Sebastian decided to not correct him. Instead he made his way back to the bathroom to nikis medicine cabinet, kimi was obviously in to much pain to think logically about where the pain relief was kept! Plus now Sebastian had finally caught on and realized kimi was still pretty drunk.

Sebastian ran a nice tall glass of cold water with ice for kimi , knelt on front of him , pulled one of his hands from his face and placed two pills in his open palm closing his fingers round them . Kimi chucked both of them in his mouth and took the water from seb chugging it down gratefully. Sebastian knelt there on the cold floor with kimi for ten minutes or so , during which he actually dared to touch kimis shoulder comfortingly at one point he even traced his fingers over the back of kimis neck feeling soft strands of blonde hair dance over his finger tips.

Kimi’s head was lulling foreword and he looked ready to fall asleep. Sebastian didn’t care at this point that kimis sudden comfortable demeanor may have been caused by the fact he thought seb was his brother, in fact he couldn’t care less who kimi confused him for at that moment. He was just happy kimi was there with him. 

After another ten minutes kimi started to stir and slowly pull himself off the floor . Sebastian helped him up once they both where standing kimi looked him up and down and scratched his temple confused. Then he seemed to remember something and brought his hand to his temple clearly exasperated.

He had lain a pile of his own old clothes on the floor by the stairs next to a bundle of Lauri’s old things which lauri had planned to get rid of, he had then obviously picked up the wrong pile and now Sebastian was wearing Lauri’s things! And kimi in his momentary lapse of conscious thought had mistaken Sebastian for lauri, Kimi took a beat and then started to laugh.

Seb stood shocked and ever so slightly confused then kimi waved a hand at him as if saying ‘forget it don’t even ask’ so seb didn’t and instead smiled when kimi turned and grinned at him.


	95. Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi and seb spend some 'quality' time getting to know one another.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/il_fullxfull-392469976_b8hh1.jpg.html)

The two somehow ended up on the floor by the fire Sebastian cross-legged idly watching tv with a blanket from kimis bed wrapped round him. Kimi had fetched it telling Sebastian he had to keep his temperature up. Sebastian didn’t protest, it was blue and fluffy and smelled like kimi, he snuggled into it and couldn’t deny he felt rather cozy, the feeling was made even better by the fact kimi was actually lying on the floor next to the fire his head resting on one of the couch cushions, clad in a loose McLaren t shirt and knee length shorts. Kimis head was next to Sebastian’s knee and occasionally he could feel the ghosting of kimis breath across his scar.

Sebastian jumped slightly when he felt kimi poke his knee.

“that didn’t heal well” kimi said frowning , back at the time kimi had wrapped it up pretty expertly but there was a pretty nasty scar there regardless. Sebastian watched as kimi eyed it disapprovingly.

“the hospital said you did amassing at wrapping it up, I think it was when they stitched it that caused the scaring” kimi poked it again which made Sebastian laugh a little.

“hey kimi? How are you ? I mean after everything…I haven’t seen you in ages! Are you feeling ok?”

Kimi lay there on his back for what seemed like an eternity and Sebastian assumed he wasn’t going to answer so returned his attention to the tv.

“its hard” kimi said finally after what seemed like at least fifteen minutes silence! Sebastian turned to look at him. He needed to play this carefully, kimi wasn’t very vocal and if seb said the wrong thing now he would screw this up.

“when mika left us…I felt like my whole world just crashed, its not the same, but I know how much it hurts when something happens to your family, I think I can understand” kimi glanced up at him and seemed to think over that statement for awhile.

“I think you do” kimi stated , then he caught how vague that sounded and corrected himself “I mean, I think you do understand”

Sebastian lounged back turning to face kimi propping himself up onto his elbow. Kimi remained flat and took a breath and stretched his arms out on front of him before he spoke again.

“James fucked everything.” Seb noted how hurt kimi looked even though his voice was fuelled with anger “and nikis miserable , I hate James! … Then I want things to go back how they where and I don’t hate him anymore… but he has a new son . that cunt aki, I wish he would have died! I know its so wrong and I hate myself for the thoughts I have but I can’t help it! He messed up lauris head…but even after everything, maybe the one thing it was good for …it brought lauri home, lau came home to us…but now Nico is gone again. He’s in someone elses arms in someone elses bed and I can’t sleep or eat and I dream about it and its driving me crazy! Honestly I don’t know what to think about any of it. My minds so numb and the pressure of McLaren is just to much, im gonna explode again I just feel it happing. This time I don’t know who I will hurt or what I will do but I have to get it out before it happens…” kimi said it all in one complete rant without a breath , his accent was pretty heavy and he mumbled a lot of his English, but Sebastian caught every word because he was listening so hard. Kimi trailed off and caught a breath, seb couldn’t help it he leaned forward and placed a hand on kimi’s strong chest.

“its alright kimi. Its all going to be alright. You can beat it, I know you can. And forget Nico! Nico doesn’t deserve you! If he did he would be here!”

Sebastian instantly regretted the words when they left his mouth. Nicos name should have been left out of this conversation at all costs, kimi instantly looked guarded but his face softened once more when he noticed how panicked Sebastian now seemned , seb hadn’t however withdrawn his hand from kimis chest.

Kimi finally noticed what exactly was happening between himself and Sebastian; he could Almost kick himself for not seeing it before. Sebs face was flushed , the hand on kimi's chest was slightly shaking and there was a lust in his eyes. Sebastian had a crush on him?! Kimi was oddly flattered that the spritely teenager was an admirer . But kimi was almost five years older! This was a teenager and he would consider himself a man. Kimi didn’t know why he was being so accepting, everything in him told himself to get up storm off and shout at Sebastian to leave, but he was tired, didn’t feel good, and was lonely. 

Kimi opted to ignore sebs Nico comment completely.

“im tired, I think im just gonna sleep here. You can have the spare room or whatever, call your Isa if your staying here otherwise I think your ok to walk home”

Kimi wanted him to leave? Sebastian nodded and slowly withdrew his hand. Kimi did actually have to admit he missed the comforting pressure on his chest.

Sebastian got up slowly and walked off to the hallway to call mika. He had no idea how to worm his way out of this one.

He dialed the number and before he could answer kimi snatched the phone away 

“moi” mika answered kimi patted sebs shoulder “moi mika…” Sebastian didn’t understand anything after that point except his own name as kimi had a brief fast paced Finnish conversation with mika. After a few minutes he placed the phone down.

“Told your dad you ended up here cause you where wandering around pathetically outside, he seemed to buy it. Your getting picked up by david tomorrow”

seb stood there pretty astounded as kimi went back to his spot by the fire yawned and drifted off to sleep. Sebastian ignore kimis offer of the spare room and wandered back over to lay next to kimi. He shut the tv off and dimmed the light . It was lovely and warm and the fire was casting gorgeously eerie shadows across kimis pale skin , seb pulled kimis blanket over himself and arranged it so kimi had some to. thee only sounds where the crackling of the fire and kimi’s occasional soft grunt. Seb smiled over at him , butterflies in his stomach. They had never been this close nor had the ever been alone together... 

For a moment he felt brave sitting up again and leaning over to get a better look. Kimis features where completely relaxed and he was breathing softly seb leaned in just a little bit closer, kimi was sound asleep he could get away with it, it was just a little kiss. Seb took a moment then finally brushed his lips against kimis. Kimi didn’t stir, his lips where soft and moist and tasted a little like alcohol and honey. Seb assumed kimi had drunk some of that horrible whiskey drink he had given seb earlier. 

When seb pulled away again to lay back down and close his eyes, kimi smirked knowingly.


	96. Honesty is the best policy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theres are many differences between Nico and his brother, the biggest being that - Sebastian is to honest

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-10-20at213433.png.html)

The next morning as the sunlight crept through the window in the kitchen barely illuminating the now dim living room. Sebastian was curled up against kimi’s side his arm thrown across kimis chest his face nuzzling the crook of kimis neck, and kimi actually had a hand resting on his arm.

And that’s how Niki found them when he arrived home. Kimi, his wayward troubled son , with Sebastian , mika and kekes ‘other’ son, the one kimi despised who annoyed him to the very core, clinging to him. Niki stood and starred, this was absolutely the last thing he expected to come home to! He hopped beyond hope they hadn’t ‘done’ anything. The last thing kimi needed was to go on some re bound because he was hung up on not having Nico, and what made this worse was the fact that Sebastian was a teenager! Niki didn’t have time to ponder what his next move would be as tires screeched on the gravel outside and David coulthard got out of the car and walked straight through the door, which Niki had forgotten to close.

“oryte ni...” David stopped mid sentence as his eyes met the sight on the floor next to the fire , he looked at Niki who looked just as astounded and shocked as he did.

“imma take it you just walked in on this as well?” Niki nodded. That was all he could manage at that point.

David walked over and nudged Sebastian with his foot Niki stood arms folded and watched. It was nice to have someone else handle things for once. Seb groaned and yawned, when he opened his eyes and saw kimi he smiled much to davids amusement and to nikis distain, then he looked up bleary eyed and his face drained of all color, he instantly woke up and he pulled himself off kimi and stood abruptly.

David looked at him expectantly 

“sooo you did have a date then? Obviously not wif the lassy next door!” 

“no! no! I swear you got that wrong…uhm shit…kimi he..we..uh , kimi helped me last night after i got into a bit of trouble, then he just fell asleep! This was all me I ..i must have got cold during the night or something!” Sebastian was trying his hardest to save his skin but it wasn’t washing with David , and then he noticed Niki and he sunk down into the arm chair behind him and put his head in his hands. Kimi didn’t stir the entire time; he was literally dead to the world.

“right seb maybe we should go, if you say kimi has no idea then its best it stays that way. “Oryte niki ill get this menace oot of hear”

David grabbed seb under the arm and hauled him off the chair, Niki placed a hand on Sebastian’s chest as they passed stopping the youngster , seb couldn’t meet his gaze.

“seb , the truth. You and kimi…nothing happened?” seb looked up finally and Niki saw honesty in his eyes.

“I kissed him, but he was asleep so he has no idea and obviously he doesn’t know I was hugging him all night, don’t tell him? Please?” David’s hand dropped from sebs arm, seb just blurted it out to Niki like it was nothing, David couldn’t believe it Niki actually smiled at the youngster and patted his chest reassuringly .

“ok , stay away from him young Sebastian. I can’t have any more drama brought into this home” seb nodded sadly, he felt really guilty after Niki said that.

“sorry niki, im really sorry”

David also apologized and steered Sebastian out the door. When it closed behind them niki knelt next to kimi and ran his hand through his soft blonde hair .

“Your such a heartbreaker” Niki whispered “what am I gonna do with you? My little kimster, you grew up to fast” 

Kimi sighed and smiled in his sleep momentarily. Niki beamed down at him, in his minds eye he could still see a chubby little bundle in a cradle reaching out to him, big innocent blue eyes and crystal white blonde hair. On the fire place just above there heads was another child, Niki stood and took the photo in his hands .

Those haunting green eyes and silky black hair . “And you” Niki said looking at the first ever photo of his youngest son “what would we have done now without you?” . When kimi finally stirred and sat up he caught sight of Niki with lauris photo. He didn’t even register that Sebastian was gone, he stood and placed a hand on nikis shoulder rousing him from his thoughts.

“im glad lau came home” he said , Niki kissed his temple and kimi closed his eyes smiling.

“my boys. Im so proud of you both. Im just so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through” 

Kimi shook his head, none of it was nikis fault. absolutely none of it.

“no isa! Its him, James, he did this. You didn’t do anything wrong, and lauri is proof of that! he’d never have come home if any of it was your fault “

But lauri was now bonding with James , and was the only one of the three who had been seeing him regularly . of course kimi and niki knew that was because of aki. Aki was a sore subject, for Niki it tore at his heart that James had biological children , but it was the fact one now lived with james and had his undivided time and attention that really cut Niki up especially since this child had nearly killed there own first son and brainwashed there youngest! For kimi aki was the son that had now replaced him , and although he needed to off load on James that night and had even shaken akis hand , it still made him sick to the core and unbelievably angry, lauri wouldn’t feel anything, it wasn’t the same kind if pain for him because aki had been a childhood friend and James had been an absent parent.

“Where is your brother? Did he go off to Germany after all?” kimi nodded making a displeased face.

“With that arsehole aki” Niki frowned.

“he’s not a baby anymore kimi, lets not make life hard for him over aki. I don’t want to loose him again”

Niki was right but kimi couldn’t help it, he was jealous. He wanted lauri home he needed someone to be around for him he didn’t want lauri-comforting aki who in kimis mind didn’t deserve to even breath.


	97. Justify his Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what does it take to reunite a family? illness? memories? tragedy? mayby its one thing maybe its more than one...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1234276_521998291213922_528100020_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1509708_1476958679199741_6611245276387555621_n.jpg.html)

 

Lauri finally arrived home after a couple of extended days in Germany , he had called to inform Niki that he had met up with his ex band mates (he never mentioned Nico). Niki pretended to be happy for him on the phone , but kimi could read from his body language that he was less than pleased. Kimi knew exactly what was going through nikis head; lauri might not come home again and disappear just like before. Niki was afraid, afraid of loosing him again. Kimi wasn’t afraid, he was terrified, he hadn’t told Niki about the stranger in Helsinki. Kimi hadn’t slept since that night. He just knew there was something in the air, things didn’t feel right.

When lauri emerged through the door both kimi and Niki couldn’t hide there delight. It had been raining and lauri was soaked from head to toe, his long black hair clinging to his neck and forehead under his beanie hat. Kimi had hugged him regardless and lauri was more than a little stunned at his sudden display of affection. Niki to had held him a lot tighter than normal and clasped his face in his hands just looking him over for a few moments. Lauri was starting to think someone had drugged them both when he was away! 

The next morning lauri didn’t emerge from his room. Niki and kimi assumed he had jet lag or was just tired from his trip and they left him in piece. When the next morning rolled in , Niki checked on him. His breathing was labored, he was clammy to the touch and he was coughing and shivering and complained of severe abdominal pain. Niki called the doctor but before that, without knowing why , he called James.

“hello?” James answered sounding rather cheerful. Niki was almost in tears but tried to remain calm. Lauri had never been like this, he had stomachaches as a child from attempting to eat as much ice cream and rubbish foods as kimi but he had never fallen ill. Lauri was an unusually healthy young man.

“James come to the house as quickly as possible, Lauri’s really ill. I’m really concerned, hes never been like this” There relationship was still strained but when it came to the boys James and Niki had agreed they would never not communicate. There sons came first, even though they where both now men in there own right James and Niki still had a responsibility to them and it was one that they both had to uphold regardless of there own problems.

James didn’t hesitate , he agreed he would be at the house as soon as possible , he could sense the panic and anguish in nikis voice he hoped Niki was just over reacting and that lauri was just a bit under the weather. Regardless James and lauri had been bonding at last and he needed to make sure that he was all right.

He had one problem, aki.

“what’s up pops? Whos on the phone?” James wanted to lie. The moment he mentioned lauri and the word ill, aki would literally force himself out the door and head for nikis house and disaster would befall all of them. Niki never wanted to lay eyes on aki again, kimi would forget there momentary truce and probably start a fight and none of this would help lauri. But then James couldn’t lie to him, not only was aki his son as well but he loved lauri.

“I need to nip over to niki’s, did lauri seem ok to you in Germany?” aki looked at James funny .

“Why? Has something happened?” James shrugged trying not to seem to concerned or to make aki worry.

“Just wondering , Niki seems to think hes feeling a bit poorly” aki to James surprise wasn’t freaking out, in fact he seemed quite calm.

“uhm, he was fine in Germany…he was coughing a little on the flight back though, had stomach pain as well , so did I though so I think we ate something dodgy” James decided if aki was calm he would need to remain calm, maybe he was right? Maybe Niki was over reacting.

“ok well im off to the house to check in with Niki anyway” aki fell onto the couch and grabbed the tv remote 

“ok, cool . im watching the ice hockey then!” James grinned and grabbed his coat when the phone went again. 

“ill get it, wouldn’t want you missing the score! Don’t cry when Sweden wins” aki smirked and flipped James off as James picked up the receiver again. There was the sounds of someone sobbing, James recognized the sound though it was a rare one , one he had only heard when something was truly wrong. It was kimi.

“kimi? Kimi what’s wrong, son talk to me!” aki jumped of the couch and was by James side instantly.

The sobbing got louder between the chocking James could make out a few words, words that made his heart race and his blood run cold

“he..wont ..wake ..up”

“im on my way kimi! Get off the phone call an ambulance!” James hung up , aki was already out the door. There was no time to consider Niki or kimis feelings about him. James drove as quickly as he could out of Helsinki, it would take at least 2 hours to get to espoo in the amount of traffic at that time of the evening.   
James considered a de tour to the hospital there was no way Niki lauri and kimi would be at the house if lauri was in a serious condition. 

James decided not to drive all the way to espoo instead he pulled in at the central university hospital. Aki was pretty distraught when the hospital confirmed that they expected lauri to be brought in by air ambulance at any moment. James remained as calm as he could.

Then James spotted Niki about twenty minutes after they arrived , he rushed towards him but slowed significantly when there eyes met and James knew, instantly he felt like someone had ripped his heart from his chest. Lauri hadn’t made it, he was gone.

James caught Niki who just went limp in his arms. 

“Niki …please tell me its not true. Its cant be! God please say hes still alive! Niki say something!” James shook him but Niki didn’t react. 

Aki screamed behind them, the most tortured sound James had ever heard. 

Niki held James tight as akis painful cries filled the corridor.


	98. Theres a time for answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki re connects with James , Kimi re learns some respect for his fathers and Aki just may have gotten the first signs of acceptance from Lauris 'other' family.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/niki_lauda__1978__by_f1_history-d5ofeeh.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10151436_751193564913649_2110010353096582633_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/546c8de5b6_16992119_o2.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/431935_301146076685841_617045447_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-10-26at123510.png.html)

 

Kimi emerged after what seemed like forever . James just sat there holding Niki , aki breaking down somewhere in the distance , the world had stopped. There was just nikis shaking, akis screams and the haunting visions of pained green eyes staring at him. Kimi bounded towards them screaming something at the top of his lungs. James couldn’t hear, he couldn’t make out the words, there was a shrill ringing inside his head and nothing made sense anymore. niki was more alert despite shaking with the force of his cries he managed to somehow pull himself free from James grip, waking him from his trance…

“they got him back! They got him back!!!” tears where streaking Kimi’s cheeks and his eyes where swollen, his face deathly pale , he to looked like someone had just brought him back from death as well. Niki’s head shot round and he puled himself up using James for support aki darted passed them both and seized kimi .

“where is he!” kimi shoved him away forcefully .

“you!!!” kimi glared at him , despite his distress and the fact he was overcome with all kinds of emotions he was still in tune enough to know Aki should not be there “ fuck off! You aren’t part of this family! Why is he here?!” Kimi addressed James utterly distraught, james was still confused and had no idea what was now transpiring. Was Lauri ok? Was he alive? What had kimi said! Niki also looked at him with a hurt questioning gaze. It took a moment then he managed to piece it altogether. There was no adequate word in any language to describe the sudden surge of emotions that overcame him. Lauri was alive! Then kimi's protest hit him like knives piercing his skin a;; over. How could kimi be so hostile? Lauri was alive! James felt that familiar anger he got when faced with kimis selfishness rising within him. 

“he’s here because he loves lauri, isn’t that why we are all here?!” there was now a gathering of doctors and security watching them in the corridor , kimis sudden outburst having alerted the staff , James lowered his voice again “There is a young man fighting for his life In there! , are we all really going to do this right now!” 

To James shock Niki actually stood by his side and nodded weakly. The first time in what seemed like forever that they where united again.

“Enough kimi.” Kimi took a sudden step backwards, niki looked so tired and so done with everything that kimi silenced himself “ James is right” kimi nodded, he didn’t say another word. Once the doctors where happy there wanst a ‘situation’ arising they led the four men to one of the private waiting rooms. they all waited in intensive care for more news, the doctors having informed them that lauri would be brought to that ward to recover. 

The prognosis was good, he had been suffering from appendicitis and now the appendix had burst . The doctors said they might have caught it in time. 

It took all night before lauri was moved to the ward and they still couldn’t see him. James and Niki where weary, exhausted and emotional. Eventually they started to talk to pass the time, kimi and aki where at opposite ends of the waiting room. 

Aki stood against the wall arms crossed across his chest, kimi sat with his head in his hands trying to fight falling asleep incase there was news. Neither boy could hear them, so Niki decided to ask the questions he really needed answers to.

“why did you keep him with you?” James took a breath and glanced over at aki. They had a great relationship; he was an exceptional young man and James wished Niki would get to know him.

“I helped him Niki because hes my son and non of it was his fault, it was mine. i made the mistakes Niki , and all of you , including aki paid for them. And honestly Niki , think about it. Would you let your own flesh and blood die on the street?” 

No, Niki wouldn’t , and James knew that , What cut Niki the deepest was hearing James call aki ‘flesh and blood’ because kimi and lauri were not and that was just a cold hard fact. It was the thing that hurt most and Niki couldn’t deny it.

“then answer me one more thing. You have something I don’t , children who are yours by blood, does it feel different knowing that? do you love him more than our sons? Did it hurt more to almost loose Aki than it did now when you thought Lauri was dead?”

James looked at Niki with utter shock , how could he even ask that question? Yes James had, had a tension with lauri and yes that had been hard but in the end he loved all three of them. And if it was love that was being questioned then James loved them all the same even if he had to admit to ‘liking’ one better than the other on occasion. 

“Niki, god that’s such a stupid question! I love all of them, all the same. It makes no difference to me that aki and I share the same d.n.a . I look at kimi and hes my whole world , hes everything I ever wanted and hes ours. And lauri, the most unique gifted child we could have ever have been given the pleasure of raising, I messed up with him , but like kimi hes everything to me and id die for either of them. aki …I have to be honest and say id give my life for him to niki. I wish you would give him a chance, hes really not what you think.”

James watched Niki look over at aki, everything about the young man screamed trouble to him . Trouble just like the kind James had brought to there lives, Niki got flashbacks just looking at him. His mind took him right back in time to the police station where lauri had ended up after there escapades to Helsinki, he could remember lauri running with aki along that train platform away from kimi who called after him desperately. 

Then He momentarily entertained the thought that maybe , just maybe they could make something work. Maybe there could be a family still there somewhere? He looked from aki to kimi and his mind wandered to images of lauri. 

James wasn’t going to tell Niki about aki and lauri. That was to much for one night. 

There was silence then James looked over concerned as aki started rubbing his eyes furiously. And it wasn’t from crying. Then James noticed, aki had forgotten his glasses and the lights where irritating his already sore eyes. 

James whistled to get his attention and aki squinted over , James gestured for him to come foreword. Aki walked over hesitantly and sat on James other side, avoiding Niki as best he could . James held his head and tilted it back. Aki rubbed one eye furiously.

“Stop that! you’ll make it worse!” James chided like he was some kind of infant

“I can’t help it! I need my glasses... I cant really see anything” Niki stood and walked off, James assumed he had gone to the bathroom or gone to get some air. He re emerged moments later and knelt on front of aki.

One of the nurses had given him a bowl of look warm water with salt. And some cotton wool, James looked down at him stunned. Niki gently started to swipe the cotton wool over akis eyes one at a time as gently as he could. Aki flinched, the salt stung but the water was also oddly soothing. 

Niki could really see the resemblance up close, the same ears, jaw and eye color as James. But aki also looked different, he looked more intelligent and athletic and his face was somehow softer than James. Niki did find himself drawn to aki, he did feel something for him, other than contempt, Niki started to think maybe he felt a little compassion and empathy for him. Or maybe it was just that aki was James blood and Niki loved James? 

Kimi watched from the corner and was ready to make a scene when he stopped himself and actually took a moment to examine the situation. Akis eyes where horrendously red, and he knew that Niki, was at heart , to kind natured and nurturing to ignore his pain also James was hopeless at these things. Kimi took a breath and decided he would remain silent for once even as the jelousy consumed him. After a few minutes Niki placed the now cool water to one side.

“how are they now?” he asked his voice gentle and comforting. Aki didn’t know what to make of the situation but his eyes felt a million times better.

“uh…there fine now , I guess. Thank you” Niki sat back down next to James and James and aki looked each other like they had both just seen a ghost. 

As the hours ticked by , James and Niki took turns getting coffee or food . Aki and kimi fell in and out of sleep and eventually kimi had started pacing the floor , then he would sit, then he would pace again. At some point they had all ended up sat next to one another on the same side of the room. Niki next to james then aki next to him and kimi next to aki.


	99. While you where sleeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are secret's from lauris past that have come to light , niki cant bring himself now to reveal these to his son when he wakes, so he decides to share some things with him while he sleeps...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-10-30at183405.png.html)

Aki and kimi slept side by side there heads resting uncomfortably against the hard concrete wall behind them both with there mouths open slightly, to exhausted from worry and grief to stay awake any longer. James had drifted as well leaving Niki the only one awake . He sat and starred at the crisp white walls surrounding him , somehow it almost seemed like they where slowly closing in , suffocating him. He took and deep breath and stood rubbing his palms on his jeans he needed air but didn’t want to leave incase lauri needed him, not that there was anything realistically he could do now for his son. As he gazed back over his shoulder he felt a little warmth rise within him, he looked from James to aki and to kimi then back again. 

He was startled when someone placed a hand on his shoulder.

“mr lauda? You can see him now. Hes in recovery, hes going to be just fine” the young nurse smiled sweetly at him , Niki took one last glance at the three sleeping men and decided not to wake them. They could see lauri later , niki selfishly needed to be alone with him.

Niki had done this many times, but each time he saw one of his sons laying there attached to machines it felt like his world was about to end. He was starting to feel like the hospitals where his second home. Kimi had been in numerous times , Nico had been there fighting for his life , Sebastian had ended up there after James hit him with the car , aki had nearly died twice in the hospital, Niki had fought for his life in one… and now lauri was added to the list.

The first thing Niki noticed when he approached the bed was that Lauris hair was flat , there was no product left in it. It made him look innocent and so very young, his skin was deathly pale and his beautiful long black eyelashes where resting against his cheeks. The nurse adjusted some tubing pulled the sheets closer to his neck and smiled at Niki again before leaving.

Niki placed his hand over lauris and took a moment to look at the contrast, his hands where now old and frail the skin starting to wrinkle, lauris hands where soft , the skin still tight and youthful. Niki didn’t have all the time in the world, lauri had many more years left , it was time Niki told him some truths about himself . Niki would have waited for lauri to awake but he feared loosing him so much that he couldn’t and if lauri was somehow alert and able to hear everything even in his sleep induced state, so be it . if he was simply asleep and nikis words never registered then at least niki knew he had told him and maybe he could sleep easier at night.

Lauri believed his parents had died in a ski accident. Niki had received a package from veronica a few weeks ago , in it she apologized for the delay with lauris file and explained how it should have been sent to Niki and James as soon as he had turned eighteen. The documents she sent held a wealth of information on who lauri was before and what really happened to his family but there was more puzzling details in his file things Niki wanted to investigate further but his better judgment told him not to.

Niki wondered exactly how much lauri remembered, he knew he recalled his mother. The adoption was far more difficult with him than with kimi , at eighteen kimis file arrived and it was an uneventful evening . when James and Niki sat and read it with him it included information they had already gotten for kimi and already made him aware of, kimi discovered nothing knew about himself or his family and was content to just leave it at that. lauris file was extensive, complicated and held record upon record from the police, hospitals etc and Niki had cried reading through it , he wished that evening that they where still a family and he would have had James by his side to work through it with him.

Niki caressed the back of lauris hand gently.

“hey sweet boy” niki whispered trying so hard not to simply turn and run from this “we where going to have a talk this week , just you and me. But I think its better I tell you now, maybe you’ll think it was all a bad dream…” lauri didn’t respond , he was still and the monitor beeped at an even pace , Niki watched the lines run across it for a moment for he continued.

“You don’t remember any of it, the files said you suffered concussion and after wards you just didn’t remember.” Niki touched lauris forehead gently 

“Your mother and father died instantly , but there was someone else there with you , your biological brother …and he saved you . ive been trying to find him for you….” Niki trailed off and stared at lauris peaceful face. He never looked quite so at ease when he slept. Niki knew this because unknown to lauri he checked in on him at night, a habit he had with both his boys , he had watched them some nights as they slept , 

“ You where always quiet in the car on our journeys, you always seemed anxious and I never understood it, its all there in your mind because part of you does remember… it wasnt a ski accident lauri. it was a crash, a horrific crash and the car went up in flames , you have burns on your shoulders from it , they aren’t birth marks . And when you left to live with your grandparents they sent your brother away to live with your godfather I don’t know what happened to him after that” the whirring and beeping of the monitor was driving Niki insane, he hated it. But it meant lauri was still alive and every so often he would just listen to make sure he heard a heartbeat. 

“…your grandfather died , you never told anyone , your grandmother just left you in that house and moved away . shes dead now to….veronica’s people found you in that house all alone …maybe you’ve blocked it out. All those nights of screaming and James had thought it was because you where simply a difficult child but you where living it all in your dreams just like every night I see flames rising behind my eyes and I can smell the burning fuel and plastic and I can hear the screams everywhere …I know what its like to be trapped in that world, …there’s something else but I cant tell you now. I need more time and maybe some day ill have answers. …I think you’re family was connected to kimi somehow. We where meant to put you and kimi together you where meant to be with us, I never believed In fate …maybe I should start accepting that we cannot make everything happen sometimes there are greater things than ourselves at work. Maybe this happening to you will heal us? We are all here Lau, James , kimi, aki. We are all here together …”

“What on earth are you saying to him?” James hand was on his shoulder, niki wanted to shove him off, but he didn’t. he held lauris hand tighter .

“Nothing, I just had to tell him something’s.” James reached over Niki and placed his hand on lauris arm. Niki had an overwhelming urge to tell him not to touch him. The tension and hurt was still there, Niki couldn’t help it he was still so angry.

“the other two are dead to the world. God Niki when I saw you in the corridor, I could just see it in your eyes , he was gone. I thought I might die right there my heart actually stopped im sure of it” 

Niki hung his head , his heart had stooped many times of the years. 

“why did you lie to me? All those years. I got divorced to be with you, you told me it was over with her…James all you’ve done is lie and cheat . Why should I believe that you care about him? Or kimi? Maybe your just a wonderful actor” James turned to him the hurt evident in his gaze.

“what? You want to go over this again? here niki? With our son lying there listening in? I thought we where moving past this? I gave you my reasons, I told you why . I tried to explain! No it doesn’t make it right and yes I screwed up , what more can I do? What more do you want me to say?”

A weary eyed kimi walked in on them erupting into another of there heated arguments, which always happened now whenever they where together for to long, Niki instantly stopped mid sentence and James shut up completely as Kimi just stood and starred at them, his gaze was burning holes into them both.

“Leave” he said sharply, James squeezed lauris arm and left reluctantly. He wanted to be with his son whom they had lost mere hours ago but arguing with kimi was futile. Niki seemed to smirk as James left but his triumph was short lived when kimi turned to address him seething with anger.

“you to!” Niki looked at him like he was mad.

“what?”

“I said leave! You want to argue with james? Take it outside! My brother nearly died ! come back when your done. Now get out!” 

Niki to didn’t argue , kimi was right. He left without protest. They hadn’t shown any respect for Lauri , it was the situation though that was making Niki over emotional and unable to handle things properly. Of course he couldn’t tell kimi that. 

Kimi sat by lauris bedside and watched his face. He didn’t notice aki creep in slowly. Aki really didn’t want kimi to notice him but he desperately needed to see lauri.

Kimi wasn’t however as unaware as everyone thought, he knew aki was there. He chose to ignore him , for lauris sake, they would need to call a stale mate.


	100. Dead Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> <3 CHAPTER 100!!!!! <3
> 
> My god when i started this i NEVER though i'd be here at chapter 100. THANK YOU ALL every one of you even those who read and don't comment , i appreciate all of you thank you for reading for coming along with me on this odd journey! and for continuing to be invested in the characters and there stories!! <3 <3 <3 
> 
> The 'Letters' in this chapter where written at all different times during the characters development, and do not correspond with a previous chapter or the narratives of the characters now or in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "A dead Letter is a letter that has never been delivered , because the person to whom it was written cannot be found, and it also cannot be returned to the person who wrote it"
> 
> The Album Lauri refers to is of course the Rasmus multi million selling massive hit album entitled 'dead letters'. the songs are all letters he never sent to the in intended recipient , because some had died, others no longer seen him and some had just merely vanished from his life.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/_DeadLetters.jpg.html)

 

 

 

 

 

**Nico**

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Nico-Rosberg-Formel-1-Team-Williams-Toyota-474x316-15e8130d40ca1baa.jpg.html)

 Sometimes life just seemed so hard, when my parent’s split I felt like things crumbled away everything didn’t make sense anymore. I missed my mother. even when I was with her , I missed her. I missed my father also. It’s hard being thrown into this world of new relationships and people finding out things about themselves that affect your young life so much. Like keke loving mika, who was another man? But of course I didn’t find that strange, uncle niki and uncle james where both men, I grew up with it , it was just something that was there and I accepted . I accepted mika to and I even loved him like ‘another’ father but secretly I wanted my family back how it was. And of course I know what it feels like to die, at least I think I do. Its not so bad, its like falling asleep. Sometimes I thought it would be nice to fall into that sleep and never wake, but my thoughts of you, kimi, always kept me around.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_mwprq1TEZD1qiz6xvo1_500copy.jpg.html)

 

 

I remember the ice and the cold and my body shivering and dying I remember the fever years before and your lullaby. I remember running from that track with you across some Norwegian highway to that hotel where I broke your trust and your heart, I remember before even that falling into you in the snow and hiding with you in that cave having your body pressed to mine and then finally when I raced into your arms free of the demons that had held me captive and we where together again for a fleeting moment before I watched you fall. I love you kimi I always will. You’re my heart and soul and we will continue this strange dance till we are old a grey and there is nothing left, but maybe its meant to be this way? Your in my best memories and the worst moments, there’s a little bit of you in everything I do and everything I see. Maybe You’re my angel ? I hope I am yours.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/532734_446301335399176_614971799_n.jpg.html)

 

To my Eero, my hero, my love. As cliché as maybe it seems you saved my life, I was ready to leave , the world had no meaning anymore and in that moment not even thoughts of my childhood soulmate and friend where not going to keep me here. You’ve taught me strength and helped me build a different resistance to suffering . Silencing my mind and stopping the disruptive thoughts that once ruined me. The depression is slipping away and im fighting it , all because of you. Your pure and so unassuming, you have passion and strength and everyday I learn from you. The first time we met, that deep kindness in your eyes , im lost in you. Don’t ever let go Eero I need you, ill always need you . Im so in love with you baby, your in every dream I have now, in every vision of my future. I cannot bring myself to express the wonderful dreams I have of you and our children, I see a little tiny girl with your eyes and beautiful blonde hair and a little dark haired boy playing with his golden haired brother in the sand on your favorite beach , where the waves hit the shore and our little daughter is safe in your arms and your smiling at me… please don’t let it all just be a dream I need it to be true , you sooth my soul, which ached for to long Eero and as I see the children with you I see them sooth yours. You know about that fragile little part of my heart which is somewhere else but you never question me or what we have, im yours and only yours and my place is hear by your side.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Sebastian-Vettel-Nico-Rosberg_2491584copy.jpg.html) 

Sebastian, god how I once hated you. That’s not a nice way to start is it? Well now its different. You accept me and you’ve always only ever wanted my attention and a little love. And that’s never to much to ask, as annoying as you may be. I do care for you little man, your talented and I do admit my jealousy from our childhood , ‘perfect seb and his perfect racing’. Well now I say why not show off! You have the skills and I know you will go far ! I want you to be happy I hope you find what your looking for in life, its been a hard ride for you to , were in this together now. Having a brother isn’t so bad , im proud of you sebby! Go get ehm Sebastian!!!!

 

Dad, all I can say is you tried. Im not mad anymore, you and mum ,it wasn’t meant to be , I understand. You did your best and I love you always . im proud im your son. I hope you find happiness somehow.

 

Mika, you where always there for me and dad and for that I thank you. You shared with me the best days and the worst, you’re a brilliant father and Sebastian is amassing! You need to take more credit! I hope David appreciates you! Love you isa.

 

Mum, I know you still see me as your little boy, you maybe even wish I still was so you could make sure I turn out better! Im sorry if I disappointed you. Sometimes expectations can be so high we never life up to them. Regardless il do my best to make you proud. You’re a wonderful person inside and your intentions where always good even if they where misguided. I love you from the bottom of my heart, always and forever . I miss holding your hand walking the cold path to kimis house, I miss being tucked in bed with him and you in the frosty morning whilst you read the moomins to us , these memories are with me forever . Thank you mum.

 

**Sebastian**

**[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/sebastian-vettel-minds-the-gap-1365797295-2070.jpg.html) **

 

I wish I was Nico, he’s so perfect and everyone loves him and all I ever do is annoy everyone the only place I don’t screw up is on the track! Maybe I should wear the helmet permanently? Its not like you see me anyways, is it kimi? I wonder if im selfish for wanting you to notice me? And then sometimes I think you do? I still have this scar on my knee, this wonderful scar that I love cause it reminds me of you no matter what ill always have it . Maybe that’s kinda gross? I don’t care , I like it! And the night by the fire was the best ever! I wanted to wake up with you , but I guess its better this way. You still love Nico, I understand I just wish it was me . Your so cool , with your style and your hair and the way you don’t say anything but I know all the things you mean just by looking at your face. I want to be someone you can talk to , I understand kimi, we could help each other but you wont let me in. no one does , I have no one to talk to either you know. I feel really alone.

 

Isa mika , you are the best! You always let me do whatever I want and you always would say ‘keke hes just a kid!’ you never pushed me, you just let me be. I love building snow men with you in the yard! I love how you smile now! I didn’t like that house in Germany with keke and Nico and all the sadness. When I came to live with you guys it was all ok but then I know keke struggled with Nico and then you guys fought so much that me and him cried ourselves to sleep at night. Its better this way and im glad your happy! Isa mika I love you so very much and im so happy you adopted me!

 

Keke, you’re an awesome racing driver and strategist but you didn’t always know how to be a daddy. Its ok though I know you love us and that’s enough and I wouldn’t be as successful as I am without you pushing me. I learned from you that I can always give more, I can always go past the limit , that I can do it no matter what! Thank you for making me a champion I hope I will continue what you taught me! I love you to very much and someday I hope you will hold me close as your son and not just as a winner. I want to make you proud.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/nico-rosberg-williams_full_diapos_large.jpg.html) 

Nico, brother you never knew how much I just wanted to play with you. I just wanted to sit and race cars along the carpet or have you read me a story, i just wanted your time. But I know now as an adult that you where suffering and you didn’t want a brother , and I was the worst kind of kid to bring into your life. But despite everything and how much we fought and how much you ignored me , I think you’re an amassing beautiful person who needs space and time to grow and get over all the pain you endured. I understand now how fragile you really are and how much suffering you had to go through. I love you with all my heart and think of you often, I wonder what your day is like and if you are happy? You will be a champion to one day I know you will! Keep racing nico the finish line isn’t just a destination it’s a journey and your well on your way!

 

**Eero**

**[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-10-30at183119.png.html) **

 

If I listen close enough I can hear the world passing by. The wind tells me of all the people that surround me , there hopes and reams and there troubles and sorrows and I can find myself drowning in the waves of sadness,  the breeze carries there voices to my ears and if I listen even closer I hear the things they don’t say , I see the colors of the people I meet a strange glow that surrounds them I feel what they feel . By the ocean I can be at peace from there suffering as I close my eyes and the waves crash upon the sand, the sound is sometimes the only thing that calms my nerves. Yes im nervous, im nervous all the time. I worry about the way the world has gone and why so many of us are so drawn to the dark and spend so much of our time there. I want to see the light. And then I saw you. Yes there was darkness and yes I saw the flaws but I saw your colors and I knew you could be so much more I didn’t do the right thing back then. I was to focused on not upsetting the balance of my life and the people in it, to focused on aki who I wanted so badly to help but couldn’t. By the time I realized I actually should be helping you, it was to late. I am responsible for the horrific events of that night. I would wake with there faces haunting me every night after and I would hear all your voices in my head telling me how I failed . I would see you cold and shivering in that shower where he threw you and the image was burned into my consciousness.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_inline_ndw8zqntg41sve3u1-2.jpg.html)

 

Then by chance in Germany on a cold winter night when I was particularly lonely and my nerves where shattered there you where and the smile when you saw me, no one has ever greeted me with such a smile. It was all so confusing at first, all the colors and emotions , your energy kept changing , then things seemed to settle I could see your mind was made up and even after that phone call with him your presence didn’t change and now I see the light and my nerves have calmed and you’ve become my waves upon the sands. I’m as drawn to you as I am to the sea , I’ve never been in love . But I know I love you, I know im in love, because not even the ocean compares to the blue of your eyes and the wind now carries less voices as I watch it dance through your hair, the waves will never compare to the sound of your voice, I hope this lasts but I will never hold you back . your life and happiness are the most important things and wherever you path leads you Nico I will remain for you to return to, if you have to leave someday I would never stop you. I know your heart belongs in many places Nico, I wont let go.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/994378_212300338942831_1745418796_n.jpg.html)

 

Lauri, my fine young friend. Your talent is immense . your hair and clothes may be black by your spirit is far from it. You can’t see how much light you shine, its better that way. I think it would overwhelm you. Fame already has its down sides. Your heart was so pure and you where so very innocent and curious. These things didn’t die inside you, but they withered as time and sorrow creped slowly into your life. You don’t know who you are; you don’t know where you come from. I don’t have the answers someday you’ll know. It will all be ok lauri , you’ll be just just fine. And im here for you.

 

Aki, life has never been kind to you. You where the burden of your family without knowing why. And the truth ruined you. I remember a skinny kid with an awkward smile and glasses to big for his face sitting alone, but the kid was happy alone and he thought he didn’t need friends. I tried so hard with you and then you finally let me in, but it was a little kid with spikey yellow hair and green eyes that really brought out the best (and dare I say the worst) in you. He is your obsession; you gave him your soul. your in so deep I wonder how you can survive it, doesn’t it suffocate you? You have to learn to live for yourself as well aki, lauri has to much control even if you want to believe that you hold the strings over him , in reality I see how his every move draws your undivided attention. Like a moth to a flame I fear your going to get burned.

 

Pauli, you’re a crazy asshole (and you know I don’t like curse words!) you never fail to make me laugh, I do apologize for always hitting you with something but you know…it does make you shut up for awhile. My head is swimming with enough thoughts and I don’t need your drug induced babbling adding to the noise!

 

Kimi, there is lots id like to say to you but I’m not a violent man and I don’t want a fight. All I have to say is this- I respect you and I respect what Nico feels for you but if you ever hurt him know that im watching you and I can tell more about you from one glance than Nico would learn in a life time, you cannot hide from me what you can from him.

 

**Aki**

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_lvzz25XKqW1r81bx2o1_500.jpg.html) 

I used to think I was fine being a bastard. Sure I had no dad and I bore my mums maiden name, and yeah there was no name under ‘father’ on the birth cert. I didn’t fucking care, I didn’t give it a second thought. Never bothered me, and mum didn’t bring any men into my life and make them pretend to be my dad . it was just me her and my sis. If id known they both where hiding it , that they let me go on not caring and believing id never know anyway, if id known now that they where lying to me , I think maybe id have killed myself. Yeah, I know that’s a bit extreme I dunno why I feel like that but I do. Cause not caring was so much simpler than what happened. My dads the adopted father of the love of my life, and he ruined his life. He ignored you lauri, chastised you, he beat you down with all his negativity and he probably never even fucking wanted you in the first place. And what’s worse my mum was just a groupie for him cause he drove cars fast round and round a god damn race track . And im a one night stand , I wasn’t wanted either! We share that lauri, you and I share that and that my friend, my tortured lover , that hurts like fuck.

 

Its all so twisted and messed up and insane! my life used to be simple , I used to only have to worry about the bigger kids at school teasing me about my glasses or trying to fight me for being a drummer in a rock band with spikey red hair. You don’t know but I felt something for you the moment I saw you. You walked through those school doors in your white vest top with those baggy cargo trousers which where way to large and your brilliant green eyes and when Eero steered you over to my table one lunch time and you said ‘hi’ I melted. Then you where never out of my room! You woke me up so many fucking times I could have strangled you! Climbing through my window at all hours of the morning! But your stupid cute face and your stupid voice and the way you just clung to me as if you where lost and I could somehow help you find your way just made me want you so much more. But you where so timid with me, it was to easy to get inside your head you hung on my every word and followed me around like a lost puppy. I wonder what you thought I could do for you? Why you admired me? What was it you saw that you wanted? Because honestly I had nothing to give and you where already so much more valuable than me. Your voice and your way with words , how your hands just glide over the guitar strings or the piano keys and suddenly there’s the most wonderful melodies playing and they go round and round in my head.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-17at011910-1.png.html)

 

Im just a ‘drummer boy’ just someone hitting those symbols to give a beat to your creations. I want that beat to be like your heart, constant and unyielding, never slowing but speeding up ,getting quicker and quicker, the intensity rising beating strong ….I could hear that beat when you fell asleep beside me in some dingy hotel on the road unaware of my ear to your chest listening, capturing that rhythm and how I feed it back to you in your songs, your heartbeat is in those songs lauri I put it there, that ever changing beat. Some say im obsessed, but obsession is just passion that consumes us . I want you to consume me, I have no other reason to breath. I see your strength I watched you over power thousands! There hands held high and yet you cower sometimes when I speak to you. I like being in charge..i want to be in control but you know now that if you close the door on the world and its just you and me that id fall at your feet just to have you touch my skin or look at me the way you do when you think I can’t see you. Lauri your beauty and destruction itself, you’re flawed perfection, you’re the darkness of the night sky and the brightest emerald shining through the glass like something untouchable and unattainable , love isn’t a strong enough word for what I feel but if it was the only word then love would have to do. I love your bright eyes, your perfect voice, your raven black hair… now and forever im here and I am yours.

 

Eero, you where my first friend and you’re an utter weirdo but I adore you. You have some major fucked up ideas but they all work for you and if you wanna spend hours in la la land with karma and the spirits so be it, you’re a gentle soul and this stuff is beyond me but hey! Im not gonna judge you , you reached out to me when no one else did and we are best mates forever, I got your back brother your as close or closer than blood to me and I need to listen to you more. You have a weird way with people; you read them like books…id hate to read mines! Maybe you can help me re write or edit some of it?!

 

Pauli…you’re a dick. Your hilarious and I hate your stupid drugged face, but I love you anyways. Yeah I talk (or rather write) alotta shit but thats why we get along! P.s im never smoking anything you offer me..ever..the end!

 

James…well what can I say? I plotted your demise and I wanted to do it through ruining kimi and I tried to do that through ruining nico and now nico is my best friends lover…yeah this is all very fucked up. You’re my biological father, you’re the missing name from the birth cert, you’re the face ive been looking at in the mirror since I was old enough to shave, when everything about me changed and I couldn’t see my mother in myself anymore and I wondered where my eyes had come from or why my nose looked like it did or even why my hair was such a funny shade of blonde. Biology is a weird thing, funny how I never noticed the resemblance until I found out I was yours? Well you truly messed up your life, big time! But, ive spent so long with you now, we have our nights in the pub and you took time to get to know me, you picked me off the streets and gave me a home, food, shelter and love. And you’ve never asked me for anything…I think you deserve better than what you have now. You made mistakes, huge ones. But you loved your family and you didn’t deserve to loose them , and that was my doing and ill never forgive myself but maybe its better this way? Selfishly I enjoy what we have, this strange father/son thing that’s developed. We are in a weird and difficult situation, navigating this whole family now will be a nightmare, but I know you and I will find a way somehow.

 

**Kimi**

**[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_n4rf0cL9r21taoflso1_500.png.html) **

 

So I guess this is supposed to help, writing stuff down ?. Well since I can’t seem to ever talk properly so maybe Ill try this. I have the words and I know what I want, or rather need to say but somehow they get stuck on my tongue or in my throat and they just don’t come out and I get so angry! Its so hard! I never get to say how im feeling and I want to so badly, no one gets it. I just clam up inside , I shut down and I cant restart .  its better just to have this face that’s void of emotions , its fine that they call me cold. The iceman was never a bad thing , until the press added a different meaning to it . To my parents im just a winter kid and i love the cold and snow and I never was one to cry, if I fell over or cause a fuss for nothing , I didn’t ever need to say a lot to them and they always knew what I needed , to the wider world that makes me an introverted uncaring unfeeling asshole. I don’t like that, but the less I say I care, the colder they say I am. I wish I was truly that cold, maybe they would freeze?

 

If I take this opportunity to say what I want truly. Or how I feel deep inside. Knowing that I will never send this letter, Then I guess its kinda easy. My fathers adopted me as a baby. Ive never known any other life but the one I had with them. I was loved, adored, spoiled and given every opportunity and provided with everything I could ever want. But still im burning with anger inside, I can’t control it . Funny how my demeanor reminds people of the cold when inside I would burn them to the core. I don’t have much to say about being young , except that it seemed at lot easier than I think it was.

 

Now looking back I think about being little, growing up with my fathers was not carefree, it was for the first tentative few years , back when I can barely recall anything. Then when memories formed and took shape all I seem to remember was fighting and disagreements and families at war keeping two little boys from one another. We never got to decide, everyone made the decisions for us and now every step every minute of every hour, every week , year apart has meant that I lost the one thing I had been fighting to keep since I could comprehend what love might be. It could have been so different, if we had just been allowed those years together. If only he was still in that house round the corner with his mother and father . We should have been at school together, in high school together, on the racetrack together! Instead you moved away and I had everything a little child could ever want except you, I was so lonely. And im angry with you, im so angry I could fly out to Germany find whoever it is who you think has stolen your heart and rip him to pieces , because he had no right! You are meant for me! You know that! so why are you doing this? Why Nico?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Formel-1-2012-Grosser-Preis-von-Italien-Samstag-Nico-Rosberg-Williams-324x486-0fe1e4b731b454cf.jpg.html)

Remember when we promised? We promised we’d wait for each other? I know I broke it by sleeping with all those girls but what your doing is different! Hes another man! and your letting him touch you? you have no idea what that does to me inside! Ill kill him! Id kill for you!. I miss you so much, more than anything and my life’s been shattered and your not here for me, you never even call. Your selfish Nico, you’ve always been selfish its your biggest flaw.

 

But I guess it wasn’t all bad , maybe that was harsh. My childhood wasn’t as painful as yours and you needed to be selfish. My parents, despite that they now have separated, where with me all my life . They argued , they think I don’t know. But I do. they always agreed on the important things and they gave me much more than there love, they gave me hopes and dreams.  Niki is the compassionate one, the one who’d never say ‘boys don’t cry’ if you fell and screamed your lungs out he’d just hold you close and let you scream and cry, or if your heart was breaking because your only friend had moved away he would be there to try to put the pieces back together. Its because he knows pain and he always told me to experience it , to not fight it because that’s what it wants and it always puts up a stronger fight so if you just accept it then you can get the power back because it can only consume you if u give in. It never made much sense to me until I experienced real pain and now I understand because I do fight, I always fight and it never gets me anywhere and I never learn. I bottle up the pain inside until it overflows, and I cannot let it go and eats at me.. Nikis good at that, letting go, or so he seems to be, after every fight with James, or every time I explode, despite however much emotional pain hes in, he can let it go. We can all play our parents and I knew when I did something wrong as a child I could win Niki over easier than james , Niki was my comfort , my security blanket the one there to make everything better, punishment never lasted long with Niki. And He always had control and knew what to do. I don’t think I love him more than James, but Im more protective of Niki.

 

James is a complete airhead. As a child he was hilarious, I loved how sarcastic he was and he could always bring a smile to my face, but when it came to bath time or dinner time , or remembering to pick me up from some activity. He was useless. James cannot remember what day it is , he relies on Niki for everything, to know everything, but James is a brilliant racer. And although he only had one championship he taught me everything and could spend hours with me, teaching and showing me what I was capable of. He pushed me and supported me, james could get angrier than niki. He was certainly in charge of the house, or so niki allowed him to believe. James was tougher on me and a tension did build between us , you cannot have to alphas in one pack and I did start to fight him, especially about Niki. I blamed him for what happened Niki, when I discovered the truth of his accident and when I was young I had this fear that somehow James was hurting niki. It was all born of stupidity and possibly the fact I could over hear them ‘doing stuff’ in the other room and to a child it sounded a little like torture, now I know what those cries mean, in the dead of night it wasn’t pain but passion I could hear, in hindsight I realize how much they loved and cared about one another. However the happy memories I have of James are forever tainted, he betrayed us and he lied he tore my world in two and hes not the man I thought he was and what’s worse he hurt Niki, and under the very same roof where he held me and told me he loved me he had Brocken down and damaged my younger brother. I don’t understand why? Why did he have to lie?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10698398_1562313930664215_7421843972513632964_n.png.html) 

Somewhere along the strange path that is my life I was stopped by a pair of enchanting green eyes. And someone who never mixed there words . You always knew exactly what to say and you could even say it with music, simple piano notes or the beautiful melodies of the acoustic guitar. You’re the only one I can say I love more than him. But You hurt me to lintu. Remember how you ran from me on that platform? Like I was some terrible stranger to you? I remember thinking id never see you again in person and id have to watch you on my tv screen, distant and un reachable and forever be asked questions about you as ‘the brother of Finland’s biggest musician’. Its such a strange dance we do, at first we couldn’t be separated then we couldn’t look at one another. There’s a pull that I cannot escape , you needed me, I needed you . We couldn’t be more different you and I. your darker and distant, you guard your heart and no one gets see your secrets. You don’t erupt, you never screamed or shouted. I want to wind back time and see where I missed that moment, that opportunity to tell you that you never have to hide from me . I wasn’t the older brother you dissevered, and I cannot express to you how much ill die inside if I ever find out that , the man from Helsinki….you and him are brothers? somehow hes done more for you than I have?. I don’t remember his face from our youth, he wasn’t at our school, I don’t know who he is but I know when I saw him I could see you, I thought for a moment he was you. After everything I’ve lost , everything that’s been taken from me, please , please little brother , my lauri, don’t leave me again to.

 

**Lauri**

**[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_lml6tlxd4j1ql76rio1_500.jpg.html) **

 

Mother, can we start over? I just want to be the boy I was back then , Take me back to all the places that we lived, sing to me, hold me tight. Your promised you’d never leave. I want to see those lights shining one last time, the sky burning, the night on fire before the daylight came and made me cold and empty.

I write to you, I sing about you, can you hear it? Does it reach you? My words, my voice, my pain? Why did you have to go? Sometimes I barely remember your face its been so long and im starting to forget! Please, please don’t let me forget! I don’t even have a picture of you, just this beautiful figure in my mind and the voice in my head singing me to sleep , a hauntingly beautiful lullaby about the grassland birds sleeping gently and they only fly when I dream…you used to wear feathers in your hair…

 

Father, I never knew you. I think you came home sometimes, I dont remember . its like a fog and it wont lift this cloudy blanket in my mind I don’t think you where around a lot. Maybe you worked hard? I like to think so, I like to dream that you where out there everyday working hard for her, for my mother. I don’t remember much but I remember you holding her tight like she was the only thing in the world you could see. That one memory lets me know you where a good man. I hope looking down on me now you would not be ashamed of your son. Im withered inside, my soul seems as dark as my hair. Is there any light left in me? When granpa died granma left me to , but it was different she didn’t die she just walked away and I waited , it was so cold and the house was creaky and every noise made me jump , I didn’t know how to take care of myself, the food was rotten but I ate it anyway the pipes froze and there was no water so I had to put a bucket out in the rain. she said she would be back that I was just to sit still and ‘be a good boy’ , she never came, you never came. no matter how hard I cried for you. Screaming into the dark till my voice was hoarse and lost , crying till I could no longer breath and the tears hurt as they fell from my eyes which stung like a thousand needles and pierced them.  I was only a child, I didn’t understand.

 

And then there was the orphanage, rows upon rows of tidy blue and pink beds . Children piled high on bunks , queues for the bathroom , the washroom, lunch, play time, a hug…but no one ever held me , no one ever spoke to me it was like I was different like they saw that I wasn’t normal that I wasn’t like them . There was a corner next to the fire, it was dark and I could hide there. It was the warmest place in the house a house filled with cold people and loneliness and the sounds of children weeping at night for there mother or fathers or just someone, anyone to love them. I lay awake night after night. I had to get out, I ran and I don’t know how but I found my way back to granpas house. My clothes where still there with my toys and pictures of you, that was more like home and I could make it alone if I had to. I decided I wanted to go to school, I knew the way. id been there before and the orphanage had my name down so I would have been starting anyway. Yes I guess I have always been a little to smart for my own good, I little to deceptive, how could a mere orphan child hatch such a plan? Well the best plans always come from those with an ache in there heart because there minds never rest if it did the ache would slowly kill them . I know that pain, and my mind never rests. And there I was alone again. Beneath the comfort of a tree watching the children laugh and there parents holding there hands reluctant to let them go, to let them move into the world, a world I had no choice but to go forth into .

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_n8d2woh0Py1rir2g0o1_500.png.html)

And then there was you, with your grey blue eyes staring down at me like a dark winters sky , and that bright blonde halo around your head. A typical Finnish boy , one that would fit in with any other , except you chose to sit with me, the outcast. Quickly I learned your face hid your own awkwardness, you where just like me, a little lost, unsure, scared.

 

And then suddenly you where smiling beckoning me to join you and your ‘dads’ on a car ride and as I left the car and waved pretending to go home to a family that existed only in fantasy I envied you. Not so soon after you bled for me in the school yard , as I fell and the crunch of my bones reached your ears you snapped.

 

Its Amassing how a hospital and an orphanage can once again loose a child after they recover from such a horrific ordeal? Once again I escaped back to my grandparents house and as I left one evening to get some water I saw you and a little boy with you , at first I thought it was a girl , porceline cheeks tinged with a hint of pink sapphire blue eyes and long blonde locks. I wasn’t going to follow you that evening kimi, but I did. And as he fell through that ice and you screamed, my body felt numb I didn’t think I just dived in and then you, you idiot ! you came in after me! We could all be dead right now! A tragic trio of boys frozen at the depths of the most beautiful lake in finland. It would make for a great song…maybe ill write about it?

 

I remember when we surfaced and his little limp body lay between us…death seemed to be everywhere in those days, I was just waiting for him to call my name, my mother always told me never to be afraid of such things, its a deep conversation to have with your child but it made me unafraid , there are no demons passed on that can harm us , it’s the living we should fear. I don’t regret saving nico, even though it set me on a path through some of the loneliest years of my life . Kimi your all I have of a family, my dear brother, there’s no blood between us except that which we have shed for one another , you are a remarkable human being, you’re my greatest inspiration. Your silence speaks more than a thousand words if my life’s pains where all because I was meant to share a few moments with you, then my life was not wasted. Ive let you down, abandoned you, rejected you and yet when you look at me all I see is pride affection and love and you break me brother, you break me down just to build me up again.

 

And then there is the man who took my young life in his hands and never knew that those he loved may be my undoing. That soft presence that sat with me one evening at the orphanage and remembered me. whilst his partner played with the lively young children and seemed to bond instantly with a little blonde haired boy who resembled you kimi, Niki was first of any potential parents to speak to me , he noticed me and just as he was unafraid to look me in the eyes I was unafraid of the scars on his face. To me he was a savior in that moment. I saw him many times after that, James only visited once or twice he seemed to have always provided Niki with a good excuse to feed me , as to why he wasn’t there. I divided them ,im so sorry kimi I pushed this wedge into your family. You must often wonder what it may have been like without me? But the night of your birthday when the women at the orphanage placed my hand in nikis, it was one of the happiest of my life and when your face lit up and you held me and took me straight into to you home, welcomed me right into your life , the feeling of belonging was so strong and even though it lasted a mere moment you gave me that , Niki gave me that and to him ill always be grateful. I never gave him the respect he deserved, I was to damaged , to old for them to mold and teach and turn into a race driver . I had my own mind and personality I wasn’t there baby and nor could they get back the years of my life that had passed, I wasn’t a clean slate like you where and I was to difficult a challenge for James. He never wanted me and you where the apple of his eye. when niki would pass me to james to hold he instantly placed me down, when niki would praise what I could achieve he would say I could do better, even in nikis absence when he had to work, leaving us with james and I had fallen asleep on the couch he’d wake me to walk me to bed and he only carried me to my room when niki was around when niki was watching , when he had to pretend he cared . To niki I owe many happier moments , and I can now as I reflect upon all he did for me , say that to call him ‘Isa’ is an honor and I am proud that he chose me as his son and your brother, he is a legend and you are his legacy kimi Raikkonen.

 

James You know all I say is true, but I know you’d fight me on it now. Ah James, you stupid, stupid man. There was no tougher lesson for you to learn than this. And I find myself wondering. What good can come of it? What have you learned? And I see you and my aki and I know, I know why this all happened. You are a friend now at least, a confidant , you have kept my secret , you allowed me my time with aki. You haven’t judged, you stood back and let us be , your treatment of me has changed , does it make me believe you always loved me? no. But I now at least believe that you tried to, for niki because you adore him. We are all flawed and maybe you and I are more similar than different? Maybe my pain resonated to deeply with you? Maybe it was just to hard to love a child like me. I’m glad we are past it though your coldness left deep scars beneath my skin , I cannot forget but I do forgive. I hope everything works out in the end, you deserve to come home.

 

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/522522_297061720374248_464599782_ncopy.jpg.html)

 

Drummer boy, if I had a hero or idol it would be you. As Eero steered me towards that lunch room table I was shaking. You had those muscular arms, that cold stare under those black rimmed glasses and blood red hair . You didn’t even seem to notice me , it seemed the hardest thing in the world to even speak to you. You where the coolest kid in that school and you never knew it, sure they tried to beat you down but thats what happens when all the girls whisper a secret desire for that strange handsome kid who never talks to anyone. You where so wanted and you walked around like the world could end and you wouldn’t even blink. I wanted that carefree attitude, I wanted that freedom in my life, in my mind, in my heart. When the nightmares started , you where the only person I could run to after niki and james banned me from kimis bedroom at night because he had hit puberty. You let me in through your window night after night, the first time swearing under your breath and slapping me round the ear cursing at me, calling me every horrible name and then when you saw I was crying your mask seemed to slip and I glimpsed a little of what you really thought of me. ow aki , im not naive enough to have never noticed that hungry gaze or to have been blind to how inappropriately close you kept getting to me every chance you could. I haven’t been playing games with you, I didn’t follow your lead just to mess with you, I truly believed everything you would tell me, I would do and go along with whatever you wanted cause I felt I wasn’t stable enough to be in control. And you just seemed so much more suited to being a leader. I guess I never really knew you as well as I thought. In my mind you wanted to control me in every way and I just couldn’t give you my body as well as my mind , but its not what you needed not what you desired , me beneath you. Oddly you wanted me to take the control away. Its all so very confusing, I don’t like labels I wont say im like niki and james or kimi. Do I love you? Yes of course. We are not a complicated pair you an I and that’s why this works, ive heard that your somehow obsessed with me, Eero never shut up about it . I think to invest in someone so deeply is hardly obsession, I know exactly how you feel about me, know that I return your investment. So Aki my love I have written us a new album, its for when we are together again as a band. I know exactly what to call it, here is my first version, I hope you listen to these ‘dead letters’ maybe you’ll find one for you?

 

Love lauri (lintu)

 


	101. My December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eero has been dealing with more of Nico's demons than he can care to admit to , or handle. Nico's swift recovery from the depths of despair and depression may have been down to Eero taking on to much of what Nico has to hide...

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-11-11at180627.png.html)

It was finally December. Germany was once again alive with lights and festivities, the square where Nico had met Eero again was bustling with people . Nico was counting the days , Eero had promised that on the 5th they would finally seal there relationship in the bedroom by taking things that final step. It was now the first and Nico was standing where he had stood a year ago when that familiar figure came into view. Eero was teaching yoga that evening and said he would meet Nico there , Nico was a whole hour early and was counting every minute.

 

His heart jumped delightedly in his chest and he felt the butterfly’s in his stomach as Eero approached, his long winter coat turned up at his neck , his gorgeous brown hair tied back in a pony tail. Nico stood and made his way through the crowds, Eero looked up and spotted him his smile brighter than the lights around the square.

 

“hey baby!” Nico rushed foreword wrapped his arms around Eero’s neck having to reach up on his toes , as Eero was so much taller. Nico felt Eeros strong arms surround him . It was the greatest feeling the world , they didn’t do huge public displays of affection as there was always the change the press or someone from the public would recognize Nico and get over excited , snapping photos, they where lucky it hadn’t happened yet! Nico regardless took a brief moment to burry his face in eeros neck he inhaled deeply the sweet smell of eeros hair. It was oddly comforting , Nico was feeling particularly cuddly that evening he didn’t want to let go.

 

“we gonna walk home or you ok to stand here and squash me a little longer? Either is fine, I mean I am cool with whatever” Nico grinned and smacked eeros shoulder playfully as he pulled away. Eero smirked at him.

 

“Come on yoga boy , home it is”

 

“hey! First buda boy now yoga boy? Im not sure im liking these ‘affectionate’ terms” Nico laughed heartily as Eero started to tickle him in the sides.

 

“st..stooo..stop!! stop Eero!” random people smiled at them both as they passed, Nico caught there eyes and grinned. They must be a pretty funny sight, or else people knew what was going on. Nico was not one bit ashamed and he was never going to hide who he was, if someday the press found out he would never deny it. He wasn’t straight and he was in love. But then there was something that pulled at his heart. Eero watched Nicos gaze become distant as a mother chased her little bundled up bright eyed blonde haired baby boy through the square, he was giggling waving his arms and she was pretending to chase him. The scene made Eero smile , it made Nico want to cry. 

 

Lately he had missed his mother, but more than that he kept having dreams of Eero surrounded by children, he was starting to doubt that he was with Eero in the dreams more and more he was starting to think the children where all eeros, which would mean Eero was either married or in a relationship with a women and had , had kids. Nico was beginning to think the dreams where visions of eeros future and it wasn’t with Nico. After all how else could he explain it? He had no womb to bare Eero a child from . They where two men, that very oddly made Nico feel empty inside.

 

He felt Eero kissing his neck distracting him, pulling him back to the present.

 

“Where did you go my love?, your energy left here for a while..don’t go where I can’t reach you” to anyone else they wouldn’t take the time to understand Eero and his odd ramblings, to Nico he had allowed himself be part of eeros world and he was starting to feel and see things as Eero saw them.

 

“im ok, it was just a memory. I was remembering something” Nico leaned close until there cold cheeks where pressed together , Eero was standing behind him running his hands up and down Nicos arms.

 

“its not a real memory Nico, its just your imagination, don’t pay it any attention if it will cause you pain” sometimes Eero scared him. Nico hadn’t told him of his dreams, yet Eero always seemed to know exactly what was happening, he was a little to ‘in tune’ with people.

 

“Sometimes it scares me how much you know, how deeply you can feel me”  Eero took his his hand.

 

“even deeper soon” he winked and Nico blushed, Eero did have a naughtier more playful side. Nico was privileged that only he seemed to see it.

 

As they walked the familiar streets to the apartment Nico spotted a familiar figure waiting at the bottom of their block. Nico turned to look back at Eero who had stopped walking suddenly and the look on his face was on of complete shock.

 

Eero smiled and shrugged “ go inside and talk , youll feel better . And ill see you later. Its ok Nico, you’ll be fine” Eero winked at him and turned , walking back the way they came.

 

Nico turned back, his mother was slowly walking towards him. She held out her arms, suddenly his eyes filled with burning tears.

 

 

 

“mum..” she to was struck with overwhelming emotion and when he fell into her arms they both cried.

 

When they got inside, Nico and his mother sat together talking for hours. He came out to her, the first and only member of his family to know he was gay. She told him she already knew, and she had been distraught during his childhood hoping praying she could change him then she told him how her acceptance had came to late and she felt she had lost him forever, she shocked him a little when she confessed that she had thought he loved kimi and they would definitely be together . Nico explained about Eero, who he really was (Eero had called her and pretended to be a concerned friend) she had only caught a brief glimpse of him before he had left her and Nico together. She was delighted for Nico, much to his surprise and she was even more delighted when he showed her pictures of Eero whom she claimed was “exceptionally handsome” . Nico felt him self healing inside, years of not being the son she wanted and feeling he would never be good enough or that he had failed somehow , where washing away, realization dawned on him that , no matter what she loved him and he was her only child.

 

As nicos mother apologised , tears of guilt and hurt in her eyes , she couldn’t stop caressing his fine skin and touching his hair . She listened intently as he spoke to her about how he had once felt and how lost he had been, he confessed wanting to end it all and her pain when he saw her reaction felt like  a knife twisting in his gut. He hadn’t called her or even asked for her help or advice, he had not allowed her to be there because he thought she wouldn’t want to be, or that she wouldn’t understand. When the conversation turned happier her gaze was full of pride and love. Then the question came , the question he hadn’t been expecting..

 

“But what about kimi?” Nico was silent for a long moment.

 

“what about him? Hes got his life , I don’t speak to him anymore. Im supposed to go to his debut race next year….im not sure I will go anymore” she eyed him sympathetically.

 

“You two have been fighting haven’t you? When I look back I regret what we did to you, all you wanted was to be with him all the time , if id stayed in Finland with you. Maybe your world would have been very different? and you and him would have had the relationship you where meant to have” Nico was confused now, he didn’t quite know what she was saying to him.

 

“What do you mean by that?” he asked cautiously.

 

She sighed and took his hand “ when you where very small and I almost lost you” he watched as fresh tears filled her eyes “ that little boy, despite the fact it was past his bedtime and he was still a baby himself, stayed up all night with you and he sang to you till his little lungs wouldn’t push out the words anymore. And he saved you, because when you couldn’t hear him any longer your little body seemed to wake as if you wanted him to continue, id have taken kimi away from niki and james in a heart beat, I wanted him as part of our family. Then both of you would have always had each other. It was to difficult watching them with him, back then to me it felt so unnatural, I used to watch him for them when they had business and he was such a strong willed little thing, not timid like you , you made each other whole , you completed one another. It makes me a little sad to look back and think that now you don’t speak”

 

As she had recalled the memory a little voice had begun playing in nicos head and he could hear the words form the lullaby ‘nuku, nuku, nurmilintu…’ his breath caught in his throat and his heart ached.

 

When she left him to go back to her hotel . He agreed to meet again for lunch and visit her more often. suddenly he felt like a new void had been torn inside him. For the first time in a long time he couldn’t get kimi out if his head. He paced the floor until finally the door opened and Eero was home.

 

By that point he was exhausted from crying and talking and he just fell into Eero . Eero somehow managed to get him bathed , fed and into there bed , Nico then wrapped himself around Eero resting his head on eeros chest , the rise and fall and the soft skin beneath his cheek helping him drift of to sleep. his dream that night was different , he could see the children , but there was more than just three of them, and he could see kimi and lauri and aki, pauli and some unknown figures , Sebastian was there to. they where all smiling and laughing and kimi was walking towards him the sunlight behind him making him seem like an angel as he got closer .

 

“kimi?” he mumbled in his sleep, Eero who had been laying awake listening to nicos uneven breathing, gently slid out from his grasp and slept on the couch that night.

 

When Nico woke, Eeros side of the bed was empty and cold. He glanced at his clock , it was 1pm Eero usually woke him with a gentle kiss around 8:30 am before he left to teach meditation and yoga at the university where he had gotten a part time lecturers job. He should be home by lunchtime. Which would mean nico had slept through him leaving and coming home. Quickly he got out of bed and made his way into the living room , the place was eerily quite , usually Eero could be heard playing his guitar of humming absently to himself .

 

“eero? Babe?” no answer.

 

“guess your not home..” Nico cut himself off when he saw the blankets neatly folded on the couch. He screwed up his brow in confusion, had someone slept over? Maybe his mother had come back? No that was ridiculous. Then Nico noticed the note on top of the blankets. A sudden Dred filled him. And then he panicked. _eero’s left me._ Was the first gut wrenching thought that raced through his mind. he felt sick, suddenly his hands where shaking and he was hyperventilating. He reached for the paper the floods of tears already filling his eyes. He was prepared for the worst.

 

_Nico, I slept alone last night. We all have our demons, don’t be ashamed but last night I couldn’t handle yours any longer . Every night in your sleep you call for him. Every . Single. Night. I used to lay awake after hearing his name, now it only stirs me from my sleep but I can drift away again knowing you’re here and not with him, but your with him in your dreams and that burns me. I have taken the morning off and I am going to the beach , I need space and somewhere to just stop thinking. Ill be home tonight, I know you probably are panicking finding yourself alone this morning and then seeing this note probably made you think I had left, I hate myself for causing you any pain. You can scold me when I return, I deserve it, I never usually would act so rash, id wait till you awoke, but last night you tossed and turned and you called his name into the darkness over and over . In my despair this morning I had to just leave. Maybe seeing your mother awoke something in you? My sweet Nico , you have to think about what you want, before we do something you regret._

_All my love_

_Eero_

As Nico read the words his relief that Eero had not left was washed away by the knowledge that every night Eero had heard him call kimi’s name. He never knew, he wasn’t aware of it; he knew kimi appeared a lot in his dreams. Nico knew the exact beach Eero would be at , it wouldn’t take him long to get there. He was torn, should he just wait for Eero to come home? He made up his mind he was going to Eero.


	102. October and April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two Brothers have a heart to heart .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lauri Ylonen born - 23rd April  
> Kimi Raikkonen born - 17th October 
> 
> The Inspiration for the chapter is the song 'October and April' by the Rasmus featuring Anette Olzon. I have changed the words so the song is about two men instead on a man and a women. the lyrics fit there relationship prefectly for me AND the title of the song is complete coincidence to the fact the boys where born in those months!
> 
> Lyrics and song link at the end of the chapter.

 

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1234980_216541468512121_2111648860_n.jpg.html)

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/kimi-raikkonen-kicsuszott-a-finn-ralin-08021224.jpg.html)

 

Aki stood in the corner, afraid to make any noise which would  alert kimi to his presence. An hour ticked by , kimi seemed frozen like the silent figure on the hospital bed. He held Lauri’s hand in his, the only movement was the occasional flicker of kimi thumb over the back of Lauri’s hand. Aki watched wishing it was him there by Lauri’s side, but he had no desire now to remove kimi from Lauri’s life. Instead aki longed to be ‘let in’ , if kimi would only accept him for just that moment , just so he could be next to lauri when he needed him most. It hurt, watching the love of his life laying there and knowing that there secret kept him from taking his proper place by Lauri’s bedside.

 

Kimi refused to look round, he just wanted aki gone but he refused to acknowledge his presence by looking at him. There were things he had to say to lauri and they were for his ears only. The minutes where ticking past painfully slowly. Finally kimi gave in,

 

“Can you please leave” aki pushed himself of the wall he had been leaning on and was about to give kimi a mouthful when kimi turned a little , the most he had moved the entire time and aki could slightly see the side of his face , his eyes where cast down and he looked in no mood for a fight. He looked sad , lonely even.

 

“Please” kimi mumbled again , aki nodded slowly and looked away. The walk out of Lauri’s hospital room was the most excruciatingly painful walk of his life. He felt like he had abandoned his lover, aki walked head down dragging his feet the whole way outside and when he looked up there was a gorgeous full moon and the stars where twinkling down at him, the night sky was alive with light as Lauri’s light had been slowly extinguishing , it made him want to cry.

 

When aki was gone lauri opened his eyes.

 

“I knew you where faking from about half an hour ago.” Kimi stated amused with a hint of relief in his voice. Lauri smiled weakly up at him and when he spoke his voice was cracked and hoarse.

 

“Didn’t want him to know I was awake. He’d make a fuss” kimi ignored the comment, he didn’t want to talk about aki.

 

“are you in pain?” Lauri thought about that for a moment , he was going to answer sarcastically but thought better of it. Kimi didn’t need to know just how much ‘pain’ he was in.

 

“A little, its mostly numb…I feel kinda stoned” kimi laughed lightly, his eyes where filling with hot tears. He couldn’t have lived without this man. If lauri had gone , it would have finished him.

 

“The wonders of morphine, maybe I need to take some” although Lauri’s eyelids where heavy and he seemed like he might loose consciousness any moment, kimi could vaguely make out the smile in his eyes.

 

“Your laid back enough...infact if you where anymore laid back you’d be horizontal” kimis tears where soon forgotten as he burst out laughing. A noise rarely heard from the stoic young man who spent most of his days alone in his room. When kimis laughter subsided they both took a moment to just be silent and look at each other. Lauri’s tired gaze danced across his face and kimi watched him contentedly , of course they saw each other almost everyday but in truth they had rarely been looking at one another , barely able for months to meet one another’s eyes. Lauri noted how Kimi had suddenly started to look like a man and less like a boy.

 

“Kimi?” lauri started his voice weaker now as if he was fighting the onset of sudden emotion “remember the day by the tree?” kimi nodded, he remembered. How could he forget? That was the day they met, in kimis mind he could still see that lonely little black haired boy by a huge menacing tree it seemed like those branches where reaching down to grab him , the kind of figure you pass by and don’t even notice. Kimi had also felt alone; they seemed to have been drawn to one another like magnets.

 

“Ill never forget. It was one of the few greatest moments in my life” suddenly tears streamed down Lauri’s face.

 

“Kimi , it would have been better if I didn’t wake up.” He sobbed and kimi moved closer instinctively wanting to comfort him “I cant take this anymore. I feel so low, even with the band back…its not the same, not now. I cant go back and I don’t want to go foreword , is it ever gonna stop? This feeling…I don’t know who I am anymore” Lauri had heard what Niki had to say to him, it was all to much and to painful and the old feelings of being swallowed by the darkness where returning.

 

Kimi wasn’t good at this, he already felt himself getting tense and panicking. Was lauri saying he didn’t want to live anymore? Kimi didn’t understand, before Germany lauri seemed fine. Though kimi knew his little brother was struggling with depression. Niki didn’t have any idea, but the whole James situation had thrust lauri into a world of responsibilities he hadn’t been ready for and at the time Niki and kimi weren’t coping and he was the only one able to function.

 

Lauri hadn’t been sleeping, he didn’t eat properly and there was so much going on in his head and so many things to remember and deal with. Kimi had seen him throwing back the pills. Pills that where supposed to make it easier but they didn’t, they just made him numb. This was the first onslaught of emotion lauri had showed in months. The medication had seemed to turn him into an emotionless robot.

 

“don’t say that. Tell me what I can do? How can I fix it?”  Lauri closed his eyes and shook his head .

 

“You cant” he whispered. Kimi wasn’t giving up this time. Normally that was the end of these types of conversation, kimi usually had no more words left to push and his tongue would stop working. He would get angry or he would leave. This time though, this time, kimi had the words.

 

“I love you”, lauri opened his eyes as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks. Kimi climbed into the hospital bed next to him, there was barely enough room and he shifted as close to Lauri’s side as he could and pulled him close.

 

“it will stop, the feeling you have inside. Your not alone lau, im here. We will be ok. Ill help you fight, you don’t have to go through this alone. Im going to take care of you now.”

 

Lauri closed his eyes and buried his fists in kimis shirt.  “I watched you laying here once, and I swore id look after you. It seemed like you might not wake up, what would I be without you? What would I have done if you had died? Do you hate that I still speak with aki? Do you hate me for it?” kimi could barely make out Lauri’s voice which was obscured by the fabric of his shirt.

 

“I just told you how I feel. And I couldn’t ever hate you, and I can live with it , you and aki I mean. I guess he helped you out when I didn’t. I guess you need him to?” it hurt kimi to admit that lauri needed aki as well as himself. That they both had a role to play in helping him recover from his depression.

 

“kimi can I tell you a secret? You can’t tell Niki. Promise me?” kimi held lauri tighter against him.

 

“I promise.” Kimi felt Lauri’s sharp intake of breath and how his body suddenly began to shake.

 

“I have been…sleeping with aki” lauri breathed out into kimi shirt. Kimi took a moment to register what lauri had said, ‘sleeping with’? That meant sex – sex meant more than friends- more than friends meant lauri hadn’t been visiting Helsinki to spend time with a bandmate he had been leaving home some days to get laid . It took all kimis will power at that moment to not just freak out, scream and storm off. Instead he took a deep breath, held lauri close and said

 

“Whatever lau, I don’t wanna hear anymore about it. Ill pretend you didn’t tell me, whatever makes you happy. Now go to sleep” lauri smirked a little, he knew kimi wanted to swear at him, scream at him and get up and walk out. But he hadn’t. Lauri’s heart felt a little heavier in that moment, kimi shouldn’t feel so guilty about their relationship, so guilty he was staying against his own will. The distance between them had never been his fault.

 

For a long time There was silence but kimi knew his little brother was restless.

 

“What else is on your mind?” kimi whispered his chin resting ontop of Lauri’s head, gazing through the window at the gentle snow fall.

 

“Everything, I don’t want to hide things from you. I know something that would break you. I can’t bare the weight of it any more..” Lauri’s voice was barely above a whisper, he couldn’t force his voice to carry the words, he didn’t want to say them. To confess about nico, to break kimi. He didn’t want to put his one of his best friends in danger either. Gentle Eero…against his violent brother. Lauri was afraid, but he wanted kimi to know. He couldn’t keep this from him only for kimi to hate him for it later.

 

“don’t say anything. We are done with the sad stuff. Whatever it is can wait” kimi didn’t need to know anymore ‘things that might break him’ . The whole fiasco with James had been enough and he hadn’t fully healed from that yet. Now wasn’t the time for deep secrets to be confessed between them.

 

The silence fell one more , normally kimi endured silence without any wish to break it , this time he felt there was to much he wanted to say.

 

“Now its you who has things on your mind” kimi smiled at that, lauri had a knack for turning things back on him, making it about kimi and diverting attention from himself. But he was right kimi had a lot on his mind.

 

It was quickly turning into a serious heart to heart between them. Kimi felt one of his long rants coming on. But that was fine, lauri was used to those. And lauri was excellent at reading between the lines, and so kimi began

 

“This all feels like the end of time. Like something bad is coming…”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Lauri)  
> he was like April sky   
> Sun rise in his eyes   
> Child of light   
> Shining star  
> Fire in his eyes  
> Bright as day  
> Melting snow  
> Breaking through the chill  
> October and April 
> 
> (Kimi)  
> He was like frozen sky  
> In October night  
> Darkest cloud  
> Endless storm   
> Raining from his heart  
> Coldest snow   
> Deepest thrill  
> Tearing down his will   
> October and April
> 
> Like hate and love   
> Worlds apart  
> This fatal love was like poison  
> Right from the start  
> Like light and dark  
> Worlds apart this fatal love was like poison   
> Right from the start
> 
> We were like loaded guns   
> Sacrificed our lives
> 
> We were like love undone   
> Craving to entwine
> 
> Fatal torch  
> Final thrill  
> Love was bound to kill  
> October and April
> 
> Like hate and love   
> Worlds apart   
> This fatal love was like poison  
> Right from the start  
> Like light and dark  
> Worlds apart this fatal love was like poison  
> Right from the start
> 
> Hate and love   
> Worlds apart   
> This fatal love was like poison   
> Right from the start   
> Light and dark  
> Worlds apart   
> This fatal love was like poison  
> Right from the start 
> 
> October and April  
> October and April  
> October and April


	103. I could be your Hero , just for one day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James remembers back to a time when he had every opportunity to connect with Lauri and discovers the real reason why he couldn't.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/6236c8d7-4e2a-45d1-82ee-bfd0653f9f36.png.html)

 

 

Aki started to walk slowly through the hospital parking lot. He had to get some air , as he passed the rows or parked cars he spotted Niki and James talking animatedly in James car. There was a lot of gesturing and James looked almost distraught. Niki seemed to be tearing into him. James caught his eyes through the window on Nikis passenger side. When Niki realized James attention had wavered he followed his gaze through the window.

 

Niki saw aki , and a strange feeling came over him. The young man was stood there in the snow in just a vest top and black trousers his eyes red swollen and sore his complexion pale and deflated, shoulders hunched arms wrapped tightly around himself . He looked like a little lost child and Niki forgot whatever it was he had to say to James and instead turned to him and barked the order to ‘get him out of the cold before he freezes and they have two boys in the hospital!’

 

James greatly obliged jumping out of the car , never happier to actually get away from Niki. He approached his son who stood there and just starred his gaze distant.

 

“Aki? Come on lets get you back inside..” James reached for akis shoulder but he quickly moved out of reach.

 

“im..uh..yeah im gonna go for a walk, kimi …he wont let me sit with him, I can’t touch him . It wouldn’t be right and Niki would know. Infact maybe I should go home…I don’t want to impose on your family” Aki never looked at him once as he spoke. James couldn’t handle another depressed young man. There was kimi and his anger , lauri and his constant fluctuation between feeling ok and wanting to just drown himself, he couldn’t face aki’s pain on top of it all. Luckily Niki decided to rescue him from it.

 

Niki approached slower than James. He didn’t attempt to touch aki he didn’t get to close. He gave him his space. He read the situation better than James. Aki was being defensive, protecting himself by moving out of James reach. Niki learned the hard way that keeping your distance was sometimes the only way to truly comfort someone.

 

“Hey, did Kimi throw you out? I’ll talk to him. listen its getting rather wild out here. Why don’t you sit in the car for awhile? Me and James will go back inside. Its been a rough night for everyone. Its hard to take everything in”

 

Aki stood and looked out across the motorway to the woods. It would be nicer to just go out there and get lost and hope no one would find him. But the warm car also sounded good and at least he could be alone. Niki held out his hand with the keys. Aki took moment and then took them , walking past Niki and James without another word .

 

they both turned and watched him , James wanted to make sure he actually went into the car. The last thing he needed was to have to hunt for aki, if he decided to run off because he was suddenly feeling a little low.

 

“ok James. I have said my piece. I am going to sit with my son”

 

“Our son!” James barked as Niki turned his back and walked away.

  James didn’t peruse him. He wanted to be with lauri as well, but it was clear exactly how Niki felt about there youngest child. He firmly had established that lauri was ‘his son’, the price James had paid for Aki. It was almost like niki’s punishment for James having a biological child was to remove one of there adopted children from him, and of course it was easier to do that with the one James hadn’t connected with . That mad Nikis punishment all the more cruel in his eyes.

 

Lauri may not remember, he may never see things differently even if he did. But James had cared and there was moments where he and lauri had connected. The bad memories, the cold looks and colder words, the rejections and disinterest had been all lauri seemed to remember. The good moments seemed gone. James remembered them though. The memories turned sour when he realized that those where his moments to change there relationship, moments he never ceased and would never get back. by ignoring the many chances given to him he had destroyed there relationship.

 

_Flashback_

 

_Lauri had been with them for four months. His relationship with kimi was going from strength to strength. Niki had succeeded in babying him. Kimi was growing and changing fast, Niki couldn’t bring himself to let go and his smothering ‘motherly’ nature was soon focused on lauri._

_Both boys had been playing in the yard , it was a beautiful summers day and kimi had wandered off to fetch his go kart. Leaving lauri alone to his own little fantasy world, playing by himself. The dogs where happily exploring the edge of the woods when one erupted into fits of barking the others joined in and little lauri looked up from the fountain he was paddling in to be met by the sight of a rather large, very hungry looking set of wolves._

_Niki’s original Dobermans, had mounted a futile attempt to save lauri when the wolves launched there attack. Lauri could only watch in horror as the wolves tore the beloved pets to shreds. When the barking suddenly silenced, there was two pairs of intense yellow eyes on him._

_His little body was frozen stiff, he wanted to scream for help but he couldn’t._

_James and Niki where upstairs in the study , James had been playing one of his old records at full volume which was irritating Niki who was attempting to make some business calls._

_“turn that down!” Niki had cried at him. James had laughed and ignored him. A blood curdling scream had reached both there ears over the sound of the record. James remembered how every single part of his body had suddenly felt colder. He was the first to race out of the house, practically jumping over the railing of the staircase . Niki raced after him._

_Through the glass doors at the back of the house leading to there kitchen area James could see nikis prized dogs lying in pools of blood. Kimi was nowhere to be seen and neither was lauri._

_James darted across the yard when kimi appeared looking rather puzzled. James seized him by the arms, which startled him._

_“where’s lauri?!” kimi shrugged and exclaimed that he didn’t know looking up at James in fear. When Niki arrived James handed him kimi forcing kimis head into nikis shoulder so he wouldn’t see the carnage in the yard._

_Niki’s grief was apparent in his face but he didn’t have time to mourn the family pets. Niki noted how lauri wasn’t there. Before he could panic James demanded he take kimi inside, they had shouted in each others faces making kimi distressed. thankfully his crying distracted Niki enough that Eventually James won and Niki took kimi inside._

_The argument lost James precious time. He wished he had run and ignored Niki. They had come so close to finding a mangled set of bones that James still felt the horror inside him of what happened that day. James quickly got his shotgun from the shed and loaded it._

_One of the beasts had dragged lauri by the ankle into the woods. James followed the blood and it wasn’t long before he found lauri. And the wolves where ready to make there kill._

_When the first shot wrung out through the trees making various birds and other small animals scatter, James thought he had missed. However the first beast was dead . in his shock he was momentarily distracted and The second beast had seized his arm, in pain he dropped the gun. And the wolf once again turned its attention to lauri. James quickly managed to grab him , and pull him into his arms. They both feel backwards as James slowly attempted to back away. The wolf suddenly was on them._

_James didn’t know how he managed it , it must have been luck. He shielded lauri with his body and kicked out at the wolf , he had kicked so hard he broke its jaw. When it retreated in wails of pain . James heart had pounded in his chest his breathing was erratic. He’d never been so scarred in his life. But not for himself, for lauri._

_The little black haired bundle was curled up shaking beside him in the fetal position. He hadn’t screamed, he hadn’t cried out. James pulled him into his arms. He was so small and frail. He held him running his hand over his hair again and again . James limped slowly back to the yard . Lauri was covered in muck and blood, some his own from the bite to his ankle , some from the dogs and some was probably James._

_Niki was waiting anxiously by the glass doors , when the tall familiar figure of James appeared holding the little body of there son Niki raced foreword. He tried to prize lauri from James arms . Lauri had a vice like grip round James neck and wouldn’t let go. James had bathed and dressed him for bed that night because lauri didn’t want Niki to do it. For a very brief moment lauri thought him a hero but as the months passed James became more and more the villain in his life._

_James regretted so much that he hadn’t tried harder. The feeling he had with lauri in his arms safe and alive that day had been one of the greatest he’d ever felt. Still it wasn’t enough , James couldn’t connect , his secrets and lies seemed to be staring him in the face every time a set of green eyes turned his way. It was like all of Lauri’s pain and everything the little boy had already lived through was a sign for James , some kind of strange vision of his future , he saw the hurt he would eventually cause reflected in Lauri’s eyes and he feared it._


	104. Here and now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico pursues Eero and gets some much needed things of his chest.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-11-18at193033.png.html)

 

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-11-18at192759.png.html)

 

Nico drove through the winding narrow German dirt track roads towards the coast. Night had fallen and it was pitch black. He had his front beams on full and since there where hardly any cars coming his way he didn’t need to dip them meaning the whole road and the fields either side of it where illuminated. There was fireflies dancing in the beams of his head lights.

 

It got dark earlier in winter, still Nico hoped Eero wasn’t on his way back to the apartment and that they would somehow miss each other . He pulled over as he reached the sandy dunes and the cars tires wouldn’t allow him to go any further. He got out of the car and was hit by the cool ocean breeze, he didn’t know how Eero could stand being out in such cold especially near the sea where it was far worse and the wind was far more chilling.

 

Nico grabbed his flashlight from the dash board and turned the collar up on his coat.

 

“eero!!” he called and he waved the flashlight from one side to another. All he could see was the vast dunes stretching out on either side of him and the sea somewhere in the distance. The place seemed deserted and it was madness for him to be out there all alone in the dark.

 

Against his better judgment he continued on through the sand dunes , occasionally his feet giving way and getting blown to one side by the strong wind.

 

“Eero!!!” he cried at the top of his lungs. Then Nico remembered there was no other car parked up at the dunes, and there was no other place to park a car if you wanted to get to the beach. Eero had already left. Nico turned back towards his own car when a gust knocked him to his knees. He cursed and attempted to get back up , another gust of strong wind sent him falling to the ground and he went over on his ankle , there a sharp crack and he cried out in pain.

 

Nico knew instantly that he had seriously hurt himself. He was in agony, slowly he pulled himself foreword across the sand, the pain was intense. His flashlight had fallen a few inches from him casting light into the distance and then he spotted the other car it was parked by the picnic bay on one of the hills in the distance , technically no cars where allowed there but at that time of year no one policed it . Eero was somewhere, but the beach was to large and vast and now Nico couldn’t even go looking for him.

 

All he could do was call for him “Eero!!!!” he screamed again and again.

 

Finally there was a reply, luckily nicos hearing was good because the voice was very far away as it called back “Nico?!”

 

Nico almost cried in relief and called back  “Eero! Im hurt! Come quickly!”

 

Eero had said something back but all Nico could make out was “stay there!” .

 

“not like im gonna go anywhere Eero..” he muttered under his breath sarcastically. About ten minutes later Nico could hear someone approaching behind him.

 

“Nico!” Eero gasped and he fell to his knees next to him. “what the …what happened?!” Nico smiled sheepishly , he felt rather embarrassed.

 

“I got your note by the way. Thanx for the heart attack. I decided I didn’t want to face you at home id rather just come get you. I was calling for ages eero! And I couldn’t see the car in the usual spot so I turned back and got blown over …I kinda tripped on my ankle, im not sure if I have Brocken it…” in the dim glow of his and eeros flashlights Nico could make out how guilty Eero looked

 

“nico..i..im so sorry” before Eero could continue nico raised a finger to his lips.

 

“don’t wanna hear it. We can have that conversation later, right now id appreciate if you could help me back to the car before I get shock from the pain and the cold and I die!” Eero couldn’t help smiling and Nico smiled back.

 

“your such a drama queen” Eero stated helping Nico onto his back and moving down to his ankle. He gently took it in his hands and turned it slightly, Nico hissed in pain. Eero felt around and pressed on various points, Nico grimaced in pain.

 

“Your ok. Its not Brocken, probably a bad sprain, here put your arm round my neck”  Nico slung his arm round euros neck and shoulders and Eero lifted him up bridal style with ease.

 

“Now if you trip we will both get injured” Nico chirped

 

“I can just drop you, you know” Eero replied and Nico swatted his shoulder playfully.

 

Eero walked them back to his car . The 4 x 4 which had the seats flinted down giving extra room in the back . Nico was able to lay down inside and Eero fixed his spare jackets around him for comfort, closed the door and crawled into the drivers side , the wind catching him as he attempted to stop the door blowing out. Finally they where both inside safe from the elements. Eero’s hair had been blown into his face , Nico reached up and started fixing it.

 

“You look rather weather beaten darling” Eero rolled his eyes at Nico.

 

“all this sarcasm isn’t good for my aura” Nico laughed.

 

“you could always come in the back with me and snuggle , that would be good for you aura” Eero didn’t need told twice . Nico moved aside as he slid into the back , it was slightly cramped even with the seats down, Nico being shorter had more leg room Eero needed to pull his legs up more .

 

Nico nudged closer and pulled one of eeros jackets up to his chin resting his head on eeros shoulder. The air grew more serious all of  a sudden and Eero knew what was coming next. But he didn’t attempt to stop Nico.

 

“About kimi…don’t say anything and let me talk. I need to be honest with myself and to you” Eero swallowed nervously , he was either going to be told Nico wanted him and wanted to be with him but had feelings for kimi or Nico was going to confess to not being able to choose, or nico had chosen and it was kimi who had won.

 

“What I have to say…its hard for me to admit, because I love you, I am in love with you and I don’t want you to leave me , the very thought terrifies me…but, …I love him to.” And there it was, the confession, Eero already knew this but hearing it was a whole different type of pain.

 

 “I don’t have to choose because its never been about choosing. The love I have for kimi isn’t the same as what I feel for you. I don’t long to be with him , I don’t dream of us ‘together’ yes yeas ago before you I used to dream of it, long for it but not now not for a very long time. I think I call for him at night because… part of me needs to mend what was Brocken between us before I can move on with my life completely. Me and kimi have so much history, I need to make things up with him or else say my final goodbyes, we can’t leave things as they are…this longing between us , these possibilities of meeting again , of re kindling something we lost. We aren’t children any more. I moved on, I have you. I am in love, I need to lay it to rest so he can have what I have, so he can heal because eero I think he is Brocken, maybe only I can fix him?”

 

As Nico spoke eeros pain seemed to lessen , he felt the air around them shimmering with warm colors , Nicos aura was bright. It was like something had illuminated within him , like suddenly someone turned on the lights and Nico knew what he needed to do. It did make sense, there was a void between him and kimi and it was preventing them both getting on with life. They needed to heal; Eero would accept that Nico and kimi would always share something.

 

“it’s not up to you to ‘fix him’ but you are right things cannot be left as they are, all I ask is that, you don’t drag me into this. Im sorry Nico but I cannot be part of it. Go to kimi’s race in Australia. See him again, feel whatever it is you have to feel. And if your heart is still with me then come back to me. If not , then be happy with him  and never look back. We can’t do what we planned Nico it wouldn’t be right, you need the chance to see him again”

 

Nico wanted to argue, Eero seemed to have taken what he said the wrong way. And now they wouldn’t be together like they had planned. Before he could open his mouth Eero started to move away. Quickly Nico seized his arm.

 

“No!. im in this relationship as well Eero! and you will not take this from me! I have wanted to be with you properly since we met! We are going to do this, I want you! I know you want me back, its insane that you see this as some sacred thing that ive been keeping for him! Hes fucked countless people, its not like he waited for me. And I told you! I never imagine myself with him; I imagine it with you all the time! Don’t you want me Eero? What is it…why wont you be with me?” the atmosphere had shifted again, Eero seemed not to be able to do anything right , all he wanted was peace . All of this was to much for him he couldn’t handle anymore of it. Nico was right and he had no good excuse. He only had a solution.

 

“ok, alright. Alright just stop, don’t look at me that way” Eero pulled Nico to him , he needed to stop the tears before they started, Nico crying killed him. No more was said between them and at some point they had fallen asleep in the back of the car . Nico slept a dreamless sleep and Eero wasn’t woken by his cries for kimi because he didn’t call for him that night, instead Eero heard the soft murmur of his own name and he couldn’t help the satisfied grin that crossed his face.

 

 

 

 


	105. Leave out all the rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no going back now. A decision is made , and its consequences can't be comprehended by Nico or Eero , for now the future remains unseen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 105 - *a little hint to what may happen ;) ill give u a clue one of the numbers is significant to this chapter :P

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-11-20at152356.png.html)

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-11-24at003157.png.html)

 

Eero drove in silence. He had crawled out from nico’s embrace leaving him sound asleep in the back of the van. It was technically illegal for him to be driving without Nico properly strapped into one of the seats but Eero didn’t have the heart to wake him. He was not headed home though; he was headed for the ferry to Denmark. If they where doing this, finally, then  Eero was going to ignore all his insecurities and fragility, then he had to go somewhere neutral . Germany had to many memories. Eero was taking Nico home to Finland , they had never been home together , never spent a night in there native country with one another.

 

Eero was going to take Nico north to Rovaniemi . That was where eeros parents had taken him as a child in winter. They would be there by the 5th if everything went according to plan and the ferries co operated. When Nico woke Eero ignored his insistent questioning as to where the hell they where or where they where going and he instead replied with

 

“you’ll see” and “this is what you wanted so be quite!”  Nico couldn’t make out some of the road signs as the mix of slush sleet and rain hit the wind shield . He had to admit he was a little frightened , but Eero was the safest person he could go on a mad aimless drive with so he figured he should trust him.

 

When they reached Sweden Nico finally caught on and the moment the realization crossed his face Eero thought he might bounce all the way to Finland with excitement.

 

“Your taking me home?! You took me to Finland?!” his eyes filled with tears of joy and he attempted to hug Eero who was exhausted , loosing concentration and didn’t need someone hanging from his neck whilst he attempted to drive onto another ferry.

 

“Calm it blonde! We aint there yet…Nico seriously …sweetheart let go… Eero can’t breath..” Nico laughed and let go as Eero chocked.

 

Eero slept soundly on the Swedish ferry with his head in nicos lap. As Nico gazed down at him he felt like the luckiest man alive. On the other side he offered to drive, its not like he didn’t know where they where now , it was no longer a secret but Eero insisted .

 

he wasn’t exactly taking Nico ‘home’. He was taking him somewhere else entirely. And when they bi passed Helsinki, Nico did start to panic a little. What exactly was Eero up to?

 

“your not ..Taking me home are you?” Eero tapped the steering wheel concentrating on the roads. He didn’t reply.

 

“Eero? Where are we going..?” Eero glanced sideways then seemed to think about whether or not to answer then he abruptly pulled the car over and looked at Nico , his eyes completely serious.

 

“I can take you home. Or, I had something else planned and it depends how much you trust me. right now its feels like you don’t trust me…Its your call”  Nico took a minute  to mull things over . If Eero wasn’t taking him home , where the hell where they going? He did trust Eero…he convinced himself to just go with it. Nothing felt bad about this , he was just nervous and despite being tired and uncharacteristically irritable at times during the drive , Eero was still pretty calm and tranquil.

 

“ok…and I trust you” eeros warm smile returned and Nico felt instantly at ease . Eero suggested he sleep for awhile and promised to ‘wake him when they arrived’.

 

Nico slept through Eero parking up the car. He slept through the noise of Eero leaving him and making the booking. Then Eero was shaking him awake, Nico was blinded by soft warm street lamps outside the car window and when the place came into focus he nearly died of shock.

 

They where in the famous kakslauttanen artic resort. As Eero manage to pull him out of the car holding his weight because his ankle was still strained. Nicos jaw dropped. The place was white with snow, the sky a mix of blue and black and to his right was the entrance to one the glass roof igloos. He couldn’t believe it, he had to be dreaming, but the sharp pain suddenly surging through his ankle let him know he was very much awake.

 

Eero led him inside. It was small but cozy , with a large double bed and couches either side, there was a door further in on the right which led to the sauna/bathroom area and another door which led of to a kitchen. Nico sat on the bed and looked up through the clear glass roof, the stars where twinkling and the moon were full. It was almost midnight on the 4th of December.

 

Suddenly Nicos heart was pounding in his chest. This was it. They where going to do this and that’s why Eero brought him here, brought him home to Finland. There had been so much sacrifice from Eero , Nico felt an immense amount of guilt wash over him. He expected so much and Eero always gave without question. Did Eero really want this to?

 

Or Was nights of enduring Nicos apparent longing for another man too much? Is that why they had never slept together? Nico was starting to piece things together in his head as he watched the stars. Was this a test?

 

It made sense, why would Eero want to touch him that way , or take him? If he thought in that final moment he might here Nico cry out for another man? The thought made Nico feel slightly sick to his stomach. If he called out for kimi during it…suddenly he felt very cold inside even thought the igloo was full of warmth and comfort.

 

Eero was perched against the wall watching him from behind. He knew something wasn’t right, Eero always knew, he wished he could switch off, but you cant get rid of air and the air was dense between them.

 

Eero was perfectly prepared for them to spend there 1 year anniversary doing nothing but star gazing, for him it didn’t matter he had planned to take Nico here regardless what they did. He watched Nico turn to look at the clock on the wall, it was 5 minutes to midnight.

 

Nico turned to him and smiled, he smiled back as best he could. Nico moved further back on the bed and slid his heavy coat off, Eero watched him trying his best to read the situation properly and make no moves until Nicos intentions where clear.

 

As Nico started unbuttoning his shirt , Eero remained where he stood , this didn’t mean anything ,he had seen Nico doing this before many times so they may just end up having the usual foreplay none of this meant they where going to go further …until suddenly Nico was naked before him his gaze clouded with lust his hair falling into his eyes , Eero’s breath hitched when Nico closed his eyes lay back and spread his legs . Game on , Eero thought to himself no going back now.

 

Eero approached the bed slowly, like an animal stalking its prey . As the bed dipped Nicos breath caught, but he kept his eyes firmly closed. He shuddered as a familiar calloused hand slid up his chest, down his abdomen and into his pubic hair where he could feel eeros fingers tugging at the coarse strands , never quite getting close to the delicate skin further south.

 

Nico opened his eyes and looked up into eeros. The clock on the far side of the wall had hit midnight. It was now the 5th of December , 1 whole year since there meeting in the square, and every breath every minute , every day , had come to this and they where so close and neither was going to let it slip away now.

 

“Eero..” Nico began but was silenced by his lovers soft ‘shhh’.

 

“No more words. Im going to make love to you , there’s nothing more that needs to be said”

 

Nico silenced himself, it was difficult the had so much he wanted to say, things he wanted to tell Eero to do to him. But Eero didn’t do sex ‘like that’ he had his own way. Without another sound from either of them, Eero was ontop of Nico. For a moment they simply gazed into one another eyes then Eero kissed him , softly at first then with more intent . Nico opened his mouth allowing Eero inside , he didn’t fight for any kind of control he let Eero lead and he would follow.

 

There lips parted with a pleasant sound and Eero kissed his chin moving down his neck licking and nipping at his adams apple , he could feel nicos pulse against his cheek , his heart was racing. Eeros own heart was pounding in his chest.

 

Eero moved further down his body his long brown hair splayed across Nicos chest as he lavished attention on his pecks, the long strands sent a feather like sensation coursing through Nico as they danced across his skin with every slight movement of eeros head.

 

“Why am I naked and your not?” Nico breathed out forgetting himself.

 

“I told you ,No talking” but Eero complied. Tossing off his own jacket and then pealing of his shirt painfully slowly, Nicos eyes transfixed on the rippling if eeros muscles as he pulled of the offending garments . Afterwards he removed his trousers. Nico was watching him with hungry eyes, he had seen it all before but this was different , this felt very different. Eero grinned.

 

Nicos tongue darted out from between his lips. Eero loved it when he did that.

 

Deciding Nico deserved some extra visual stimulus. Eero removed his boxers. Freeing his erection. Nico moaned involuntarily. Eeros shaft was long and thick and he had been circumcised, unlike Nico. Nico couldn’t deny how much he longed and fantasised about having it inside him the fact that this was it was almost enough to make him orgasm. And of course Eero had taught him how to do that without coming.

Eeros erection stood proudly between his legs. Nicos pubic hair was a lot lighter than his, and Eeros balls were looser. He suddenly remembered having fantasies of them hitting his ass as Eero fucked into him, in his dreams it felt like he was in heaven. Of course Nico had no way of knowing what it would feel like , he had no basis for comparison.

Eero didn’t mean to stare for as long as he had, but he couldn’t contain himself 

Here was Nico Rosberg under him, completely exposed, Completely at ease. His erection leaking onto his chest. Legs spread, Face flushed . Eero thought he might come just from the sight. In truth he had been wanting this for longer than Nico, he had wanted this on the tour bus, and Nico was more vulnerable back then but Eero just wasn’t the type and his fantasies of the beautiful young man where contained , Eero could normally control his thoughts but nico’s face had kept haunting him at night.

It was so hard now to justify why they had never done this sooner, but Eero had been scared . Now there was nothing to fear Nicos eyes where firmly trained on him, Eero was all he could see and in that moment Eero knew this was the right thing to do.

 

Nico wasn’t as ‘big’ as himself but Eero had always found nicos goods far more attractive than his own. Nico was all natural, his foreskin intact. Which made for an even more intense experience when Eero had blown him in the bathroom countless times over the past year before Nico had to leave for races, of course to ‘calm’ his nerves . Nico was also thicker than Eero, his balls where rounded and tight, even tighter when he was erect.

 

Eero was so fired up he almost decided to skip the foreplay. But Nico still wasn’t ready. Eero wanted this to be more than a quick fuck. Nico deserved more than that, much more. So Eero once again had to control his primal desires, he had become too good at that.

 

He  settled himself between Nicos legs. And placed a soft kiss to the head of his penis. Nico gasped in pure pleasure. Eero let the tip of his tongue ghost along the slit. Nico tasted sweeter than he remembered, it had been awhile since he had last sucked Nico off.. He felt the vein on the underside of Nicos member pulsing against his lower lip.

 

Nico was sure if he could hear himself he’d never go out in public again. Eero moved down his shaft nipping gently.

 

“Ouch! Ahhh..ahh” Nico cried out as Eero nipped the skin between his balls, something he had never done to him before. Eero looked up at him and grinned. Nico watched as Eero’s face once again disappeared between his legs all he could make out was the mass of long mahogany hair. Then he could feel Eeros strong hands kneading his buttocks. Forcing his legs further apart. 

Eero traced his tongue along Nico’s entrance using his fingers to pull his butt cheeks apart and slip his tongue inside, this was nico’s favourite type of foreplay. He was paralyzed with pleasure, every time and he couldn’t deny that it was possibly the most bizarre sensation he had ever experienced. He could feel Eeros’s spit against his entrance then Eeros fingers would guide his salvia inside him. Nico shuddered.

 

Eero continued this whilst adding his fingers slipping them in and out of nicos entrance. Stretching and scissoring him from within. Nico’s inner muscles began to slack but Eero could still feel how tight he was. Eero had not prepared for this going much further , there was no lube and no condoms testament to the fact Eero never expected to have this moment and now he felt increasingly nervous. They had nothing to ease the pain. Eero brought his fingers to his mouth and coated them in as much saliva and spit as he possible before working Nico open again.

 

“Nico.” He breathed barely able to speak, “This is going to hurt. You have to tell me if you want me to stop”

 

“Just do it baby, don’t stop” Nico looked ravaged. It was the most arousing thing Eero had ever seen. His hair laced in sweat. His eyes glazed over, his torso littered with evidence of there in-discretions. Eero moved over nicos body bringing there torsos flush together. There erections sliding against each other.

Nico tilted his head back, his features contorted in pleasure; Eero caught his lips kissing him deeply one last time., before He moved back up over Nico and grasped both Nico’s legs under his knees pushing them towards his chest. He positioned himself between his thighs the head of his erection positioned at Nico’s entrance.

Nico was shaking all over, his body laced with sweat, this was it.

 

With one last encouraging look from Nico, Eero forced his hips foreword. He watched as the head of his penis began to break through the walls of nicos entrance the skin stretching around him. Nico grasped the bed sheets, the head of Eero member was inside him and he could feel it stretching his entrance and pulsing against his inner walls, which contracted involuntarily against the intrusion.

 Slowly Eero pushed foreword, each time Nicos breath would catch or Eero could feel him tense around him, He’d stop. Agonizingly slowly Eero watched himself disappear inside Nico, it was one of the best moments of his life and he would always have this.

Finally he was buried deep inside Nicos body his pubic hair teasing Nicos entrance his balls pressed firmly against Nico ass.

 Nico let out a breath he never knew he was holding. He was in intense pain. His insides felt stretched beyond their limit. And there was a searing heat inside his entrance. Where Eeros cock was filling him.

Eero had stopped, his cock was pulsing inside Nicos body, it was tight and a little uncomfortable and he needed to move so badly . For Nico the pain subsided the longer Eero was within him. With a shaky hand he reached down between there bodies , Eero caught his hand gently and guided in further Nico could feel the little of Eeros cock that wasn’t inside him he could feel his entrance and where Eeros member disappeared into his body, they where connected, it was what he had wanted and it was amassing , he felt almost like crying but held it in.

 

“Ah, baby…. Do something”

 

Nico let his hand fall limp to the bed. Eeros hands caught his hips and he pulled Nico up so he was sitting in his lap.

 

“Here this way, you’re in control,” Eero gasped. Barely able to form a coherent sentence as nicos muscles tightened even more around him with their new position.

 

Nico held a fistful of Eeros hair with one hand , and braced himself against Eeros chest with the other. He began to rock himself against Eero, his cock dragging inside him with each motion.  Nico groaned, Eero held his hips for support.  As Nico quickened the pace the room filled with panting and swearing. The bed creaked violently Eero watched as his cock slid in and out if Nicos now willing body.

 

Eero couldn’t control himself any longer he pushed Nico back to the bed and pulled out, Nico yelped.

 

“Turn over” he breathed out. Nico turned so he was face down against the bed Eero pulled his hips up. And thrust back in, Nico cried out. Eero began rutting against him mercilessly the sound of skin slapping skin echoed against the walls.

 

Nico could feel every pull out and re entry with such intensity that he thought his body might be on fire.

 

Suddenly Eeros pace slowed. Nico could feel a gentle hand caressing his back and he heard Eero whisper an apology in his ear, Nico couldn’t reply to tell him to ‘shut up’ this was the best moment of his life and Eero had absolutely nothing to apologise for , eeros hand then moved to his hair. Then he was kissing his spine and caressing his side it all felt a little guilty and Nico didn’t want Eero to feel anything but pleasure.

“hey,” he whispered “do what you want with me , im all yours , your amassing”

Eero’s cock was Buried half in half out of him, and then he pulled out for the second time , nico panicked momentarily thinking Eero had , had enough and it was to much for him to continue.

Eero took a moment to breath and then grasped nicos shoulders gently encouraging him to turn back over onto his back. Once back to the position they had started in,He spread Nicos legs coated his penis with more saliva and slid back inside slowly. Nico moaned gratefully. Eero fell onto him and rocked his hips in a sensual circular movement. Nico wrapped his arms around Eero’s back , spread his legs wider on either side of eero’s pelvis and met eeros movements with his own hips. They kissed tenderly. Then Eero felt Nico shudder suddenly And he sat up slowly.

“Are you close?” Nico couldn’t reply instead he brought his hand to his penis and stroked vigorously Eero took the hint and began thrusting gently into him, hitting his prostate gland with each careful movement. Moment’s later nicos stomach muscles tensed he groaned and spilled his seed between them , his orgasm lasted a lot longer than usual multiple waves coursing through him long after he had come , causing his muscles to contract around Eero , then exhausted His head fell back onto the bed. Eeros hips lost there purchase and his thrusts became more erratic , nico clenched around him purposefully.

 “Nico I’m going to come. Tell me what you want me to do.”

 “Inside.”  Nico whispered already half asleep. “You can come inside me, I want to feel it”

 

It didn’t take more than that for Eero to feel his orgasm rip through him like a tidal wave. His hips snapped foreword involuntarily as he shot his load deep inside Nico.

 

“Ugh,” he groaned. Nico clenched against him milking the last of Eeros seed. Eero had pulled out of him slowly, it was a very strange sensation Nico felt almost empty and he longed to be filled again. Eeros seed was warm and oddly comfortable. Nico felt his semen leaking from his entrance, it was thick and white and Eero couldn’t help looking , then without thinking he pushed back inside for a moment the liquid coating his almost flaccid member Nico’s eyes opened again in shock as Eero rocked his hips a few more times and then withdrew for a final time.

 

He fell on top of Nico, sated and completely satisfied Nico held him lacing his fingers through eeros hair. Eero was wide awake his mind racing, Nicos breathing was steady and calm and Eero was sure he was about to fall asleep. And then …

“Eero?”

 

“Hmmm”

 

“Lets not wait a year until we do this again” Eero laughed lightly.

 

“Ill be awake in a few hours,” he murmured.

 

Nico grinned

 

“I could go again now…”

 

“Stop being horny and let me sleep” Nico huffed like a displeased child, even after he had technically just gotten what he wanted.

 

“Fine. But just so you know. I may never let you leave this igloo..”

 

“ Fine by me” Eero replied with a yawn sleep finally taking him after his thoughts had stopped racing , he was deadly tired and inside he was feeling oddly triumphant.

 

“Seriously though. This is it now right? This is us? No more fucked up shit. Just you and me. I do love you Eero” Nico’s insecurities always found a way of spoiling the moment , but this time eero wasn’t willing to engage In them.

 

“Shut up Nico.” Eero murmured now practically asleep.

 

“Ok” Nico had said sounding rather sad, Eero was suddenly awake again , he hated when Nico did this to him, Nico could always make him feel guilty.

 

The room fell silent and Nico thought Eero had fallen asleep.

 

“nico”

 

“Yes Eero?”

 

“I love you”

 

Suddenly Nico was happy again , ecstatic even. It had been literally the best night of his life he nuzzled closer to Eero and whispered.

“I love you babe” the ‘few’ hours passed and when Nico woke his first thought was to pleasure Eero and the rest of the day they never left the bed Eero filled him again and again, Nico had never felt more whole.


	106. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James calls in help for Niki. Niki declares privately that one of there two children is his and his alone and only he can harbour the secret that must be exposed when the time is right , can james ever convince him that a burden shared is a burden halved?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-11-26at001521.png.html)

 

 

James needed someone to talk with, someone not close to the situation. Keke was his first idea but that relationship had soured. He found the nearest pay phone and dialed a familiar number , though an unfamiliar voice answered.

“hallo?” Scottish accent, not Jackie Stewart …then who the hell was it? Suddenly he remembered, David coulthard now lived with mika , and David did not like James, or the English for that matter. Not one bit.

“Hi, its James hunt. Put mika hakkinen on please” James could hear David’s thick accent call out

“mika! The English bastard who lived ere the woods in on the phone!” James brought two fingers to the bridge of his nose and pinched hard he felt a headache coming on.

“hunt? What’s wrong why are you calling suddenly?” the finns didn’t mess around and bluntness was one of there greatest traits , James smiled. Mika hadn’t changed and kimi was like that to.

“Just needed to hear a different voice , our youngest is in hospital. He has been sick for a few days . they rushed him in last night and discovered he had appendicitis , he had his operation and is recovering . He almost died mika we nearly lost him…” james voice broke and he took a moment to re compose himself “ anyway I thought Maybe you could spare a few hours to come down and be with Niki? I think he needs some company other than mine”

There was a pause then mikas thick accent cut in again “yoo, ok yes the university hospital I assume? I can be there in a few hours. Hei hei” mika hung up and James shook his head, typical finns didn’t do long phone conversations.

James sat in the car with aki for a few hours, they didn’t talk much but occasionally James would massage his shoulder or the back of his neck. Just so aki knew he wasn’t alone and if he needed some comfort James would be there. Eventually akis head fell on his shoulder and he was fast asleep. James leaned into him and sighed. He was torn, he had one family in that hospital and one in the car with him and it seemed he would never be able to connect them.

A car pulled into the space beside them, the snow was a little heavier now but James could make out the familiar figure of mika as he got out and pulled his hood up then opened the passenger side and a much younger man got out. Sebastian. James hadn’t laid eyes on that kid in years! He looked a lot taller, still skinny , James couldn’t see his face because it was obscured by his hood .

seb darted off across the parking lot towards the hospital doors and mika chapped the glass of the passenger window on James car . James rolled it down and mika peered in , he had never met aki or laid eyes on him . all he knew of Niki and James struggles was from Sebastian who watched the tv and read the press articles .

It must have suddenly dropped in temperature outside because James could see mikas breath in the air.

“They are in recovery ward B7 , room 6. It’s a private room. Niki and kimi are up there. I can’t join them im sure you realize why”

Mika looked at aki asleep on James shoulder nodded then trudged off through the snow after Sebastian.

When mika caught up with his young son inside the main reception area seb ranted at him excitedly

“ward B7, room 6 and the nurse said she knew me from tv!” mika rolled his eyes and patted sebs shoulder.

“ya ya your famous I get it , now lets go .” mika steered his excitable youngest son to the elevator.

 

  
When Niki had arrived back at Lauri’s hospital suit gently pushing open the door. He was met with the site of kimi curled up against lauri on the bed. Suddenly he had a flashback to his little infant sons curled up under layers of reindeer skin blankets in the back of his private jet , a little head of messy black hair resting on the chest of his stubborn strong blonde haired, blue eyed first born.

As Niki looked them over he noted how Lauri’s hand was intertwined with kimi’s between there bodies, his head resting awkwardly against kimi’s collar bone , kimi’s chin on his forehead, then Kimi craned his head up and looked in niki’s direction his hair sweaty and flat n one side his eyes filled with sleep he looked so young, he mouthed ‘shhhh hes asleep’ at Niki.

Niki nodded and smiled approaching the two, he sat in the chair on kimis side of the bed and looked over his eldest sons shoulder at Lauri’s peaceful face.

He rubbed kimis back, like he had done many times over the years since he was small . It felt as comforting as always and kimi felt his own eyelids growing heavier. Kimi fell back into a deep sleep.

The boys slept soundly for around three hours, Niki watching over them checking them every so often but mostly just sitting they’re staring at them both. He was so lucky to have them he adored both of them. As the air stilled and even the whir of the machines and beeping of monitors subsided, Niki could remember back to the first night they had brought kimi home to live with them , and in his mind he contrasted it to there first night with lauri.

Lauri had cried on his first night and it was Niki who had comforted him. With kimi there was a unison, himself and James had become ’parents’ together united , as a team. Niki strongly felt that lauri was his, yes James agreed to the adoption , yes James seemed to take some interested but as far as Niki was concerned it was him who had wanted lauri , him who had wanted to give kimi a brother. He was responsible for lauri; it hurt more to accept that he had let James somehow damaged the boy. It seemed somewhere along the line they may have both forgotten that without lauri they would have no kimi, he would be dead and so would Nico.

Nurses eventually got Niki to rouse kimi so they could change some tubing in Lauri’s arms and replace his fluids and drugs. They also re dressed his wound from surgery, whilst doing so kimi and Niki had to leave the room. However Lauri seemed to sleep through most of it. When they where allowed to return Niki held his hand and kimi stroked his hair.

As the nurses finished up and they where finally done with him, Niki finally got the chance to speak to lauri.

“how are you feeling? You scarred me half to death young man don’t ever do that again! You call for me next time you feel ill ok? I don’t care how old you get , im your father and I want to make sure your alright” lauri shrugged weakly his expression a little guilty, he still felt numb the drugs where doing an excellent job at masking the pain in his abdomen. They weren’t however erasing what Niki had said to him whilst he was ‘asleep’.

Still despite it all lauri was happy to see Niki. He didn’t know why or what came over him , maybe he was just overly emotional but he squeezed nikis hand tight and said

“im sorry isa” kimis hand steadied on his hair he was as shocked as Niki. Lauri had just called Niki ‘dad’ again. For the first time in a long time.

Kimi moved away allowing Niki to take Lauri’s face in his hands and kiss his forehead.

“why are you apologizing to me? I was joking with you ” Niki asked his voice breaking “you’ve got nothing to be sorry for son. Nothing at all. You’ve done wonderfully , you must be so tired and stressed..”

There was a knock on the door which interrupted them and Niki and kimi turned there heads in unison

“Sorry are we intruding?” mika asked, seb standing behind him gazing over his head, his heart thumping in his chest when he saw kimi.


	107. Notice me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes being invisible is what we would all wish for , other times its the most painful thing in the world.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10818821_666112346841503_1006956356_n.jpg.html)

 

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/sebastian_vettel_toro_rosso_f1team_026-1.jpg.html)

Niki couldn’t believe it. Suddenly his mouth was dry and he couldn’t speak, his first thought was what the hell where they doing here? His second was , fucking james hunt.

 

Niki was angry with mika, angry because after Nico had been returned to them safely that fateful night in the car park he hadn’t heard from his old friend. Mika was to busy with his new lover, and although Niki never felt akin with keke he actually felt sorry for the guy back then and he saw a selfish streak in Mika. Niki was not at all happy to see him. And only James could have gone and done something stupid like this.

 

Niki kept his cool, he put on his best poker face and hid is initial shock and anger. Lauri didn’t need it, kimi didn’t either. It was best that he just acknowledge this a passing visit.

 

“Hey” Niki managed , mika smiled like everything was fine and entered the room. It made Nikis blood boil.

 

Suddenly Sebastian’s cheeks felt like they had lit themselves on fire and he feared how red they must look , his palms where clammy and sweaty . He hadn’t seen or heard from kimi since that night Niki caught them ‘snuggling’ , well , more like he caught Sebastian snuggling kimi he wondered with Dred if Niki was still angry with him for that? , after all Niki had warned him to stay away.

 

Mika shook nikis hand and turned his attention to lauri, who eyed him cautiously. Lauri had little to no contact with mika and keke , as a young boy he had never interacted with that family , unlike kimi who because of Nico had stayed over at there house and new mika well enough to call him uncle.

 

“You look a little worse for ware ya?” mika said addressing lauri. It was true lauri did look awful , his eyes where sunken in and there was large red and black patches under them , he was pale and sweating and his hair was flat and clinging uncomfortably to his neck and forehead.  He still didn’t appreciate being reminded of it though and frowned in response.

 

Sebastian couldn’t draw his eyes away from kimis face. Kimis attention was entirely focused on lauri , Sebastian noted how he looked a little older and had a fresh hair cut , he took in every detail of kimi’s face, from the angular tilt of his eyebrows to his beautiful long blonde eyelashes, the shape of his jaw and how he could see a slight bit of his collar bone where his top was sitting at an angle…as Sebastian watched kimi, Niki watched him and so did lauri..

 

Mika struck up conversation with kimi who was a little more pleased to see him than Niki was. Kimi hadn’t yet addressed Sebastian’s presence , infact none of them had and he stood awkwardly behind mika snuffing his shoes on the tiled floor and occasionally glancing at kimi .

 

Then two questions drew all of their attention to mika and kimi.

 

“Have you heard from nico? Whos his new partner?” kimi had asked abruptly.

 

New partner? Mika had no idea what kimi was referring to. Nico never mentioned anyone to him on the phone…

 

Mika seemed perplexed “uh ah he is fine ya, new partner? I haven’t heard this? Sebastian do you know something?” and then finally kimi was looking at him, his complete attention was on Sebastian but he wasn’t seeing him , not really, all kimi was seeing was someone who might have information about Nico. Perfect Nico, Nico who had stolen the icemans heart but had no interested in him and Sebastian suddenly felt like he might need to join lauri on the hospital ward. He had a sudden pain in his chest he felt nauseous and sick.

 

Lauri to felt the bile rise in his own throat, his brother was there , nicos father was there and nicos brother and lauri knew , he knew exactly who nicos ‘partner’ was . But he kept his lips sealed , he couldn’t bare it but he had to protect Eero .

 

Mikas hand was on his sons shoulder but Sebastian didn’t feel any comfort and mikas words didn’t register with him as he stared blankly at kimi.

 

“seb? Are you ok? Sebastian?” Then nikis voice cut in and again Sebastian couldn’t comprehend what was being said to him it was like everything had suddenly gone muffled and the room wasn’t in focus anymore.

 

“Sebastian? Whats wrong kid? Are you to warm? Do you need to go outside?” Niki waved a hand on front of Sebastian’s face then clicked his fingers a few times the sharp noise finally snapping seb out of his trance.

 

He looked round dumbly like he had just arrived there and didnt know where he was then he shook his head as if trying to clear it .

 

“ugh ..i ..i think I need some air. Im gonna go outside..ow and no kimi I dunno anything, I don’t know anything about Nico” with that seb promptly exited the room like he had just seen a ghost.

 

Sebastian trudged through the ward towards the elevator fighting back the urge to cry. He just wanted kimi to say hi to him. Ask how he was , something, anything! But not to mention Nico. All kimi wanted or thought about was Nico and seb knew Nico well enough to know that Nico didn’t care about kimi the way kimi wanted him to.

 

Seb entered the lift looking down and rubbing his eyes furiously on the sleeve of his jacket , some one else entered the lift and he looked away embarrassed. The last thing he needed was some random stranger asking if he was ok or making a fuss. But it wasn’t a random stranger , it was kimi.

 

Sebastian didn’t know why but he snapped at him

 

“no before you ask again I don’t know anything about nico! Ok! Nico can go fuck himself!”  The lift doors opened and kimi looked at him shocked. Sebastian brought both hands to his face and fled for the exit back out into the snow.

 

Kimi took a deep breath and casually walked out of the elevator hands in pockets and pursued Sebastian.

 

Niki sat by lauris head and gently stroked his temple. It was Niki who sent kimi after Sebastian , Niki knew what was going on , obviously david hand not filled mika in and niki hadn’t told kimi either, it was better that way . It would have been to mortifying for Sebastian to have mika know and then for mika to tell keke who would inevitably have told nico.

 

“you haven’t called” Niki stated concentrating on lauri, whos eyes where closing as nikis soft touches lulled him to sleep.

 

Mika stood by the window and didn’t look at him , he had his arms folded and was concentrating on the falling snow outside.

 

“ya, sorry I did mean to …but” mika hesitated , his own life and drams had gotten in the way but more than that he had avoided Niki and James for nicos sake , because Nico needed a fresh start and if mika didn’t know what kimi was up to then Nico had no reason to ask. It was damage limitation and mika didn’t want to admit to Niki that kimi was the root cause of a lot of nicos past issues. When it came to there sons they would end up arguing fiercely.

 

“life just …well things got in the way and you needed your space” Niki nodded , mika glanced over and watched Niki with lauri. Lauri was strange to him, he would never have allowed Nico or Sebastian to grow there hair like that or to dress in black , paint there nails black, wear black make up or be in a crazy band with crazy people he didn’t know , drinking and doing drugs and fighting. To mika, Niki and James had let the ball slip majorly with lauri. To mika, lauri was weird , out of control and dare he say , a freak.

 

He hadn’t meant it to sound harsh or cutting but when he spoke next and when Niki looked at him he knew he had crossed a line

 

“hes different that one, not like kimi. Kimi was simple this one was strange niki, he was always strange”

 

Lauri hadn’t been sleeping and he heard that comment. And he couldn’t lie , it stung him. He already hated himself and now he felt that is was apparent other people disliked him as well.

 

“There is plenty I could say about your boys , but unlike you mika I respect that that’s all they are. Just young boys and they’re all still finding there way. Don’t ever judge my son on front of me again, before you make statements like that I suggest you take a look at your own family. Maybe you should go.”

 

Mika didn’t reply, he left in silence. Niki was furious, how darw anyone judge either of his children. Lauri was an individual and was uniquely talented which was more than Niki could say for seb or nico. But he didn’t want to get petty. Comparing there kids wasn’t going to get him anywhere.

 

“isa?” lauri murmered , Niki looked down at him and instantly felt defensive

 

“lauri what mika said, don’t pay any attention to that..” lauri shook his head and cut in , he didn’t need to hear Niki defend him.

 

“I just was wondering if maybe you could get Aki for me? Can I see him please?” niki looked ready to object

 

“please isa, I need him”

 

kimi was gone , it wouldn’t cause a fuss to let Aki in now for a few moments. So Niki agreed , he didn’t question his son, he caressed lauris cheek lovingly told him to rest and left to fetch aki from James.

 

 

 

 


	108. I Can't dream without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As one relationship starts to mend , another is being stretched to its limits. what do you say when someone asks you to do the impossible for them?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10836128_667279890058082_1054262260_n.jpg.html)

 

Mika decided he better find Sebastian before he left. The kid hadn’t gone back to the car , mika tried the toilets , then the canteen, then some of the local shops. Nothing, he couldn’t find seb and all he wanted was to get back home to David , it was freezing outside and the snow had been lying meaning there was now at least a couple of inches of it and it was still falling heavily.

 

Niki trudged through the car park hands in his pockets. James car was barely recognizable under the blanket of snow but Niki could see him through the windscreen , James had the wipers on and they where swishing the newly falling snow back and forth.

 

James saw him approaching and instantly got out of the car to open the back right side passenger door for Niki. Once inside the car the shock of the heater made Niki shiver more, his cheeks which had moments ago felt like ice where now burning up with the sudden shift in temperature.

 

Aki was asleep, he looked pale and exhausted his head craning awkwardly to one side resting against the window his mouth open slightly.

 

“how’s lauri? Is he holding up ok?” Niki wasn’t touched by James concern , if he really cared that much he would have fought Niki more on the matter and demanded to see lauri. Instead as always James took the easy way out. But Niki was more concerned for Aki. Having them both in a vulnerable state might not be the best conditions under which to bring them together, Niki momentarily thought about abandoning Lauri’s request and leaving aki to sleep. But he couldn’t bare to cause lauri any more pain.

 

“hes doing fine he woke up and has been talking , could you wake your son , lauri is asking for him” when Niki said the words ‘your son’ James couldn’t understand why but it stung him deeply. More and more Niki was moving away from him again, James had thought they where making progress, maybe he was wrong.

 

He shook aki gently, the youngster barely murmured in response.

 

“Aki? Wake up. Come on kid” James shook him again and aki stirred , when his eyes opened he was met with a blurr, without his glasses everything took longer to come into focus and his eyes where irritated and sore , his first instinct was to rub them but James batted his hand away.

 

“stop doing that your making it worse” James chided , aki ignored him and proceeded to raise his hand to his eyes . Niki wanted to laugh , none of the kids listened to James , the fondness of memories of kimi ignoring him and stealing ice cream from the fridge were made bitter by the realization that for James maybe everything had been a lie.

 

Niki interrupted he’d better get this over with before kimi got back, if he wasn’t back already.

 

“Lauri is asking for you” aki turned and gazed into the passenger seat he hadn’t even registered that Niki was there , when they where facing each other Niki could make out just how bloodshot akis eyes where , an angry forest of red veins marring the white round his bright blue eyes. Niki felt furious once again, and he couldn’t understand why he had to do it , but James needed a serious talking to. first Niki needed rid of aki.

 

“You know where he is, kimi isn’t there as far as I know hes off on a wander be quick I don’t want any trouble understand” it wasn’t a question, so aki nodded and jumped out of the car in just his black vest top and black loose trousers hugging his arms round himself he ran for the entrance.

 

Then Niki erupted

 

“you neglectful moron! Did you see his eyes? Why the fuck didn’t you take the boy home! Get his glasses let him sleep, feed him and bring him back?!  Must I always be the responsible one? Must I always remind you of common sense James hunt! Why are you such a fuck up!” 

 

James actually felt like smiling, this reminded him of back in formula three times when Niki hated him to the core . When they couldn’t even be in  a room together without fighting. For a moment James could see a very young niki lauda, before the scars , confident, arrogant young Niki who was always there to tell him how much of a fuck up he was.

 

“as always niki your right” James said softly interrupting Niki mid rant and then he actually did smile when Niki stopped and said

 

“and another thing…wait. What?” Niki couldn’t believe James was admitting defeat so easily, no retaliation, no attempt to save his own skin, make an excuse , crawl his way out of it.

 

“I said your right, you’ve always been right” suddenly nikis fuse seemed to burn out, all the pent up energy inside him dissipated and things where calm again. James sat in silence in the front passenger seat gazing out the window at the snow and for several moments Niki followed his gaze .

 

“im sorry niki” James whispered after what seemed like an eternity of silence , tears slowly falling down his cheeks as he watched the snow flakes settling on the windshield.

 

“im so sorry”

 

Niki didn’t want to look but he did. James was breaking his heart, sat there, nothing but a shell of the man Niki once knew, tortured and full of sorrow and regret.

 

Yes it was all James fault, yes he brought it upon himself , but Niki was beginning to wonder if he had suffered enough and was he himself just prolonging James torture? Should they just forgive each other? Even if it meant that they couldn’t be together wouldn’t that make life easier? Niki still loved him.

 

“James, I don’t want to fight anymore. Im so tired, I cant do it any longer . this isn’t getting either of us anywhere and look what’s happened to the boys. I can’t continue to hurt them like this. This has to end”

 

James closed his eyes slowly as more tears fell, ‘ _so this is it’_ , he thought to himself, ‘ _this is the end finally and your letting go of any hope we had , your telling me its over.’_

Then James felt nikis cold knuckles brush the heated skin of his cheek , wiping away the trails of tears. James didn’t open his eyes, for fear this moment wasn’t real. It was the first Niki had touched him in almost two years.

 

“why wont you look at me, asshole” Niki whispered , James couldn’t he couldn’t bare what he might see in those eyes.

 

Niki persisted, they couldn’t make some kind of amends if James wouldn’t even look at him.

 

“James open you eyes, and look at me. Or cant you bare these scars any longer?” James opened his eyes instantly; Niki knew exactly what cards to play. The moment he mentioned his scarred face or how much he felt like an outcast or questioned why James was still around , he knew James wouldn’t tolerate it, that James was the first to tell him how wonderful he was and how his face didn’t matter. Niki had to admit over the years he had learned to play on his disfigurement to get extra attention and sympathy from James, and it still worked.

 

As if the whole two years hadn’t happened and Niki hadn’t shut him off , James hands where on his face , his intense blue eyes starring into niki’s.

 

‘I told you a million times, your beautiful niki lauda, always.” Niki smiled and his heart broke a little more as James eyes shone with hope. Niki couldn’t resist any longer it was to hard to hold all of it inside, he needed someone to lean on. As the tears fell from his eyes he made no sound and hung his head , finally everything he was holding inside for so long was surfacing. James crawled into the back seat and pulled Niki to him cradling his head against his chest and Niki clung to him.

 

James whispered into his familiar blood red cap “im sorry” over and over again.

The words weren’t enough but resting in James arms and feeling him tremble whilst he held Niki , was enough. Niki could feel how skinny he was and how frail he seemed , and he could tell that James had truly suffered for what he’d done.

 

 

Aki raced through the corridor as soon as the elevator doors opened and ignored the nurse’s cries after him to “not run in the hallways!”

 

When he reached Lauri’s room he was panting , he took a deep breath of air and slowly pushed open the door. The room was dark with just the bedside lamp illuminating the figure on the bed. Lauri’s head shot up as as soon as the door opened.

 

Akis heart jumped into his throat and he had butterflies in his stomach.

 

“hey four eyes, where’s your glasses?” lauri said attempting to smile. Aki grinned madly and jogged over to the bed he sat by Lauri’s head and rested a hand on his chest. Then leaned in a kissed him deeply.

 

“I thought you just had food poisoning. Id have never let you go home if I knew! Jesus fucking Christ lauri you could have died! You did die! You stupid son of a bitch why didn’t you call for help!” lauri didn’t know why, maybe he was just in to much pain, or maybe because he didn’t want to be a burden. But regardless something had stopped him calling for niki or kimi.

 

Aki watched as Lauri’s expression darkened “Would It really matter so much…if I died?.  Maybe things would be easier that way. For everyone” aki wasn’t expecting that and he had no idea what to say, he couldn’t believe what lauri was saying to him.

 

“what? What are you talking about, I think those drugs are dodgy lau might get the nurse to change them . You look fucking out of it man”

 

Lauri laughed bitterly. He felt out of it , he was past caring now he just wanted it all to be over.

 

“should turn up the dose” lauri replied and he wasn’t being sarcastic.

 

“Lauri your scarring me..” Lauri’s eyes seemed to fill up but no tears fell. He looked like death and if aki had seen him with his eyes closed he imagined lauri might actually look like he had passed away.

 

“you love me right?” aki didn’t like where this was going and although the answer to that question was obvious he feared whatever lauri had to say next.

 

“yes..yes I love you. Stupid question lau” lauri nodded.

 

“I want you to do something for me.” aki nodded bringing his hand up lauris chest to his neck and caressing his jaw with his thumb.

 

“alright” aki murmured nervously.

 

“I want you to help me end it. I want to die”


	109. No one knows my secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian thinks he has kept his true feelings for kimi well hidden, but has he underestimated the iceman?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter inspired by the Rasmus song - 'I'm a mess' Lyrics and a link to the video can be found at the end of the chapter :)

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/122812375.jpg.html)

 

Kimi trudged through rapidly rising snow, he wished he had remembered a hat and a better jacket! It was freezing. Sebastian had suddenly vanished. Kimi stood outside the entrance to the car park and scanned it all he could make out through the dense snow fall was ambulances arriving and people desperately searching for parking spaces . The same car seemed to pass him at least three times. Kimi huffed, there was always some kind of drama happening. He considered abandoning looking for the kid, seb was a pain in the ass anyway. But alas he found himself braving the snow storm to dash through the car park towards the free way and the sidewalk , on the other side was the woods. He hoped Sebastian had not decided to go for a strole through there.

 

Luckily kimi spotted the familiar silhouette of Sebastian much further down the sidewalk , he jogged after him. He caught up easily enough, Sebastian was doing that sulkish walk kimi used to do when niki sent him to his room for a tantrum. Kimi thought people grew out of that by the time they reached like sixteen. Obviously Sebastian was still quite childish.

 

“hey” Sebastian stopped dead in his tracks. This was the last thing he needed. He had been crying the whole time and he knew he must look pathetic. He didn’t want kimi to see his face. To late, kimi had circled him and was already looking at him with that patronizing sympathetic look.

 

“im fine” Sebastian started before the questions came “im just fine, don’t worry go back to the hospital ill call mika from a payphone in town”

 

Sebastian tried to walk past but kimi placed a firm hand on his chest gently pushing him backwards.

 

“not so fast, I don’t think so” Sebastian frowned , it was possibly the cutest thing kimi had ever seen. But he didn’t want to laugh at the kid, especially when he seemed kind of upset.

 

“ill walk with you” kimi turned and started walking off ahead of Sebastian. Sebastian paused slightly stunned before his feet defied his brain and he began walking after kimi, his heart skipping a beat. The flush returned to his cheeks. Was kimi concerned? Had kimi followed him all this way because he was worried? Maybe he did care, maybe he did noticehim? The thoughts where so filled with hope and longing that seb jogged forward to meet the pace at which kimi walked just so they could be side by side.

 

Kimi didn’t talk again, so Sebastian decided he had a few things he wanted to say.

 

“you didn’t even notice me when I walked in, you didn’t even say hi. I mean I know that’s stupid of me when your brothers ill and everything , and I was fine with it but  then you asked all about Nico as if I don’t even matter. Its always like that , hes just so perfect isn’t he? Well let me tell you no he fucking isn’t”

 

Kimi didn’t reply and seb gazed at him a couple of times to see whether he was even listening. They reached the entrance to a train station, there was bench and kimi wandered over to it and sat down Sebastian stood awkwardly. The snow continued to fall and kimi’s hair had a dusting of white flakes on it Sebastian wanted to flick them of for him but maybe that gesture would be to intimate.

 

“sit” kimi barked at him making him jump in shock. Sebastian lowered himself down onto the bench keeping a few inches distance from kimi. He clasped his hand in his lap like an obedient school boy sitting at his desk waiting for the teachers next instructions. Sebastian’s awkwardness made kimi feel uneasy , he didn’t like the atmosphere that suddenly developed it was claustrophobic and he didn’t deal well with normal interactions never mind something like this.

 

“ok, stop insulting Nico. I don’t like it” Sebastian hung his head . He didn’t feel like sitting there and being told off about how he was referring to his brother.

 

“And …I am sorry you felt ignored, that was rude”  kimi seemed to take longer than usual to think up his next line. Whilst waiting for kimi to continue, which hadn’t happened, Sebastian had began molding himself a snow ball. Kimi looked at his hands slightly fascinated as seb rolled the snow between his long thin fingers which where red from the cold.

 

Suddenly something wet and cold hit him right on the side of the face and a monotone laughter erupted next to him. Sebastian looked at kimi with the most surprise face he had ever seen. Kimi laughed louder as the snow began falling from sebs eye brows and hair . Offended Sebastian hurled his own snow ball back at kimi hitting him in the chest. Kimi quickly sculpted another one jumped of the bench and fired it at him. Sebastian quickly stood as well and before they knew it , it was full on war and kimi was winning. Sebastian was absolutely covered in snow and giggling like mad , he looked like a snow man and kimi thought it was hilarious he hadn’t laughed so much in years!

 

When Sebastian slipped and fell on his ass . Kimi had to hold his sides and actual tears of laughter fell from his eyes. He reached out his hand to seb and Sebastian took it yanking at his arms and pulling kimi downwards , kimi fell right ontop of him knocking the wind out of his lungs.

 

The laughter continued for mere seconds then they both fell silent . Sebastian’s breath could be seen in he cold air , puffs of smoke leaving his lips. Kimis chest was heaving against his own, he was heavy and strong and Sebastian felt like he might break beneath him. Sebastian had fantasized about kimi , but never had he imagined kimi above him like this it was always thoughts of pleasuring the iceman but they never got as far as having sex. Sebastian knew from that moment he would never be able to erase the thought of kimi above him , gazing down at him.

 

For some reason kimi couldn’t move, he had never really took any time to notice much about Sebastian . but now they couldn’t get much closer if they tried , his face was inches away from the youngsters , he could practically feel his breath on his own frozen lips. Sebastian was staring straight into his misty grey eyes , kimi stared back, realization finally hit him , he knew seb might have a stupid crush on him but now he himself felt something . Something he didn’t want to feel , it scarred him. And then the next thought he had scared him more.

 

_What if its not a crush? what if  He wants me for himself, that’s why he’s so angry with nico…._

_“_ Ich wünschte du würdest einfach nur für immer bei mir bleiben, du nimmst mich endlich Mal wahr oder?” (i wish we could just stay here forever, you see me now don't you?) 

Kimi didn’t understand the random sets of syllables that fell from Sebastian’s lips, it wasn’t English and seb didn’t speak good Finnish, then he realized Sebastian had muttered something to him in German

“what?” kimi breathed out, Sebastian smiled up at him , but his eyes remained distant with a hint of sadness.

 

“I said get off your heavy” he lied, and kimis face told him that kimi knew it was a lie. He didn’t move at first then something seemed to snap in him and he quickly pushed himself of seb . Kimi dusted himself down and didn’t offer Sebastian his hand again as seb struggled to stand , the ground beneath them now so cold that patches of ice had formed.

 

Seb slipped and fell onto the ice hard . Kimi was shaken from his mangled thoughts when he heard the thud mixed with whining noise. Sebastian yelled in pain. And kimi knelt beside him. He had fallen sideways and landed heavily on his elbow. As kimi pushed him into a sitting position Sebastian nursed his arm and tried fighting tears of pain.

 

“fuck” it wasn’t Brocken but it hurt like hell, and the fact kimi was about to laugh at him again wasn’t helping.

 

“shut up its not funny!” kimi couldn’t hold it in any longer, once again he was laughing and through the pain Sebastian to started to laugh , then he cried a little from the pain then laughed some more.

 

“you’re a mess” kimi mumbled through his laughing episodes .

 

“yeah” Sebastian agreed wincing in pain “ but” he continued “at least I know how I can make you laugh like no one else”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z628sWUcPFs
> 
> Lyrics - I'm a mess  
> by  
> The Rasmus
> 
> I don't know who I am  
> Am I even human?  
> Every night I sell my soul
> 
> I forgot your birthday  
> And I'm dressed in rags  
> I shouldn't drink, I'll lose control  
> And I know...
> 
> I'm a mess  
> But at least I know how  
> I can make you laugh like no one else  
> Such a mess  
> But at least I've always been myself  
> without no magic spells  
> Oh no
> 
> No one knows my secret  
> No one knows my heart  
> 'Cause it's always on the run
> 
> I don't know what I'm doing  
> I don't know where I'm going  
> And I don't even know where I come from  
> I confess...
> 
> Say you'll stay  
> 'cause it's more than just an ordinary day  
> Before you go  
> There is something that you need to let me know  
> Before you leave  
> However cruel your answer is  
> Be honest please  
> I'm waiting on my knees
> 
> Will you stand by me finally  
> the day when we grow old  
> Would you fall asleep right next to me  
> when my hands are cold
> 
> I'm a mess  
> But at least I know how  
> I can make you shine like no one else  
> Such a mess  
> But at least I've always been myself  
> without no magic spells


	110. City of the dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauri lures Aki into a trap and whilst he is detracted by the horror of Lauris request he fails to see the bigger picture and Lauri deceives him. Kimi's world will once again turn on its axis as he faces more moral dilemmas, but this time will he have someone by his side?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the Rasmus track - city of the dead   
> lyrics and a link to the song can be found at the end of the chapter.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1459707_355781731258661_2692869817829300460_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10690177_370347169806792_5590140027643941307_n.jpg.html)

 

 

The wind was picking up outside, it howled rattling against the window. Aki withdrew his hand from Lauri’s face , fear evident in his eyes. Suddenly visions of Lauri’s weeping wrists flooded back to him . Nights spent in the bathroom dressing the scars and promising never to tell anyone if only Lauri would stop. Stop the cutting; stop branding his beautiful skin with scars. No matter how many times Aki asked why , there was no answer , just the blank stare and silent tears. What Aki remembered most of all was how lauri never seemed to be in any pain no matter how deep the cuts ran, he barely winced as the water would wash away the crimson leaking from the wounds, he had become numb to it.

 

The same expression seemed to be on Lauri’s face now, that distant unreachable look.

 

“I’m gonna get you help…you need help lau. Everything was fine in Germany ..i don’t understand…what’s wrong with you?. What’s happened to you? Please, please just tell me what’s wrong, has someone done something to you? ”

 

Lauri shook his head slowly

 

“You can help me Aki , you know you can”  the whole room seemed to fill with darkness and suddenly aki couldn’t breath. He had never given into Eeros rants about paying attention to the air and peoples energy but now he believed Eero could feel things, because in that moment he was terrified and it was the air and whatever lauri was sending out that was scaring him.

 

Lauri was actually asking him to kill him. Or to help him kill himself.

 

His thoughts raced, he couldn’t leave because Lauri could do something to himself. He didn’t want to stay because he couldn’t handle this , he desperately wanted someone anyone to interrupt them. He needed to tell niki , but niki hated him and wouldn’t believe him , kimi would just try to kill him again if he mentioned this and James…he had to at least tell James. Lauri needed to be admitted to some kind of physiatrist, these overwhelming episodes of depression where becoming more frequent , lauri needed professional intervention none of them could solve this. It was hard and painful o admit but even Aki couldn’t save him now.

 

“All I want is for you to stay here,” lauri whispered darkly “ just stay here and hold my hand, I don’t need you to do anything else if it would mar your conscience . I can do it myself, I just want your eyes to be the last thing I see”

 

_Do it himself?_ Aki needed to get out of the room and quickly to get a doctor or else he needed to cry for help. He had no idea what lauri had planned or how he wanted to end it. As far as aki was aware hospitals where pretty strict on security , lauri didn’t have any razors to hurt himself with, aki was scanning the room nervously his whole body was shaking . he didn’t even know what he might be looking for.

 

“Please” lauri seemed to choke suddenly “aki ..” he reached out his hand , then aki finally noticed , Lauri’s eyes they seemed dead and he was pale , getting paler all the time something was happening to him. Aki grabbed his hand and leaned over him practically screaming in his face

 

“What have you done! Lauri!” he shook him as lauri started to become less responsive and the monitors started to spring to life , bleeping violently.

 

“Lauri what the fuck have you done!!!” Suddenly Lauri’s eyes began to close and akis heart seemed to want to break free from his chest.

 

 

Niki had fallen asleep in James arms, and although James could no longer feel his hands as the car battery had died and so the heater was now dead. He couldn’t bring himself to move, and it all felt like one big dream. However it was very real and Niki was there safe and content in his embrace. As he had been many times over the years.

 

Out of the window james noticed kimi and Sebastian, both walking animatedly chatting about something. For a second James thought he had mistaken the blonde stalky figure and that it might not be kimi at all , kimi hadn’t been as up beat and happy looking in a very , very long time.

 

The pair passed right by the window and Sebastian saw him and stopped, his expression was full of shock at first then to James horror the youngster grabbed kimis shoulders and spun him round to face the car pointing over his shoulder excitedly.

 

Kimi gazed through the snow covered glass and met James eyes then looked down and saw Niki asleep , James holding him. Kimi’s previous happy demeanor seemed to deflate. His mouth hung open slightly and his grey eyes seemed distant.

 

Kimi couldn’t deny his sudden shock at what he had seen , all at once he felt conflicted his initial feeling inside was delight however in an instant he had become conflicted. He wanted to protect Niki, James committed the ultimate betrayal, but then two years had passed and the hurt was starting to slowly erode and kimi had turned to James in his darkest hour when it had been revealed to him that Nico was with someone else.

 

 Kimi wanted things back how they where, he wanted his family back , but would things ever be the same? Could he ever trust James again? Was it even his choice to make?

 

James eyes seemed pleading as if calling out to him saying ‘ _forgive me’_

 

Sebastian obviously thought that kimi would be elated to see his fathers making up . But he also seemed to become distant and looked at James with a questioning glance.

 

Niki stirred and James dreaded what would happen next.

 

First Niki looked up at him and smiled when James didn’t smile back and gestured with his eyes towards the window Niki looked round .

 

“kimi” he gasped and sat bolt up right as he made to get out of the car , kimi ran. Sebastian perused him

 

“kimi!!!” Niki cried after them. James got out the other side of the car and glanced over the bonnet at niki.

 

“Niki im so sorry , it was Sebastian who pointed us out to him” James breath could be seen in puffs in the brisk night air , Niki shook his head.

 

“Its fine, ill handle it. He will be ok”  James rounded the car and stood behind him he placed his hands on Nikis shoulder .

 

“I know we aren’t fixed, im under no illusions, but I think we should both talk to him, together” Niki leaned back into his touch and nodded a little.

 

“Alright” niki breathed out, finally feeling like he was supported again.

 

Kimi made straight for the nearest men’s room in the hospital reception , he entered one of the cubicles and didn’t even bother closing the door. Instantly bile rose in his throat and he gagged over one of the toilet bowls. Sebastian appeared a few minutes later knelt behind him and rubbed his back soothingly.

 

“shhh, im so sorry kimi I shouldn’t have pointed them out to you. Hey its ok, its all gonna be ok” Sebastian soothed caressing kimis strong back , feeling his muscles ripple under his touch. It felt odd and amassing at the same time, to be the one there comforting kimi, it also felt devastating to be the one who caused him to be in this sate in the first place. At first Kimi glared at him over his shoulder but the wrenching soon made him weak and unable to protest.

 

When there was no more left inside kimis stomach to throw up , he simply hung his head over the toilet and panted. All the exertion and emotion of the past two days had finally overwhelmed him and seeing his fathers together after everything the family had been through was just to much.

 

Sebastian’s hand was at the back of his neck massaging it , releasing the stress slightly, at that moment kimi was actually grateful, grateful that someone was with him, had paid no attention to his original cold response and stayed, normally he would be mortified and embarrassed but Sebastian’s presence was calming and kimi didn’t feel judged.

 

“im gonna get you some water ok? Stay there” kimi felt oddly alone and deeply saddened the moment Sebastian left him.

 

As Sebastian darted to the vending machine to get kimi a bottle of water he was intercepted by mika .

 

“hey! Where have you been all this time! Why are you covered in snow?” Sebastian didn’t look at him to busy pressing the buttons on the vending machine.

 

“cant talk isa , been with kimi and hes sick so im getting him water. Just go home David can get me later of ill catch a bus or something” the water bottle hit the bottom of the machine with a rattle he grabbed it and started to run back to the toilets mika cried after him

 

“Get back here young man!” the entire waiting room filled with people looked at them both and seb called back over his shoulder

 

“Just go home isa!”

 

then a voice burst through the tannoy system calling out

 

“James hunt and niki lauda to ward b7 room 6 immediately! Could james hunt or niki lauda come to b7 room 6 immediately”

 

Kimis head shot up upon hearing the message “lauri” he gasped and pulled his weak body off the floor .

 

Sebastian stood stalk still and looked towards the men’s room “kimi” he cried and raced off to intercept the icey finn.

 

Mika raced out the doors towards James car. Sirens could be heard everywhere and police dashed passed him into the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> City of the dead - the Rasmus  
> Lyrics
> 
> link - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ4MkIQW7jE
> 
>  
> 
> Glad you landed on time,  
> In the city of the dead.  
> How was your flight?  
> I'm glad that we met.
> 
> Ain't gonna wait 'til the day  
> that dejection comes,  
> Ain't gonna waste my time on the pitiful ones (here)
> 
> You know that I'm kind,  
> that I like to pretend  
> that everything's fine.  
> The rain is my friend.
> 
> (I) don't give a damn about fame  
> if I gotta have a gun.  
> Ain't gonna like myself before   
> I get something done (here)
> 
> Nevermind the things they might've said,  
> Oh yeah!  
> We're living in the city of the dead.  
> Oh yeah!   
> Nevermind the things they might've said,  
> Oh yeah!  
> We're living in the city of the dead.
> 
> I want to believe,  
> I proceed with my choice.  
> It's getting harder to breathe,  
> I'm losing my voice.
> 
> Ain't gonna wait 'til the day  
> that dejection comes,  
> Ain't gonna waste my time on the pitiful ones (here)
> 
> Oh yeah!   
> Nevermind the things they might've said,  
> Oh yeah!  
> We're living in the city of the dead.  
> Oh yeah!   
> Nevermind the things they might've said,  
> Oh yeah!  
> We're living in the city of the dead.


	111. Dead Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again a situation erupts which will either unify or divide the Lauda Hunt family. Can they find a way through? who might lie to save there own skin ? who will tell the bitter truth that no one wants to hear?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_mxj0xp6eGv1spuzneo1_500.jpg.html)

 

 

Mika had raced passed passing cars narrowly escaping getting run over. When he saw Niki and James walking towards him he screamed at them both explaining that an urgent message had wrung out over the hospital tannoy. Niki bolted for his life towards the entrance James running after him and mika in close pursuit.

 

Kimi had reached the ward first; he was met with what now looked like a police crime scene from a Hollywood film. There was official police tape sealing of the ward and various officers dressed in black with guns, the center of all the commotion was Lauri’s hospital suite. Kimi made to dash foreword but was quickly intercepted by two officers.

 

“You cannot proceed go back to reception this ward is closed” kimi struggled against them until Sebastian appeared and tried to reason with the officers who where growing increasingly frustrated with kimi.

 

“Please , his brothers on this ward. He’s very ill , my ….” Sebastian had to think what was kimi to him? A friend? “My…friend just needs to know that he is ok”

 

One of the female officers approached, recognition clear in her eyes.

 

“Let them through” she ordered and the men stepped aside letting kimi go. She steered him away to the waiting room that they had all been in hours before when lauri was in surgery. Just then through the glass windows before she could utter a word kimi spotted aki being dragged off in hand cuffs. He was screaming and dragging his feet trying to stop them hauling him away all kimi could hear was cries of

 

“I didn’t do it! Please! Listen to me! I didn’t do it!!” Aki was in hysterics, his face streaked with angry tears,  kimi raced past her back into the corridor and Sebastian followed.

 

“Where are they taking him? What’s going on?” Sebastian asked the female officer as kimi watched aki being dragged off out of sight.

 

The female officer placed a hand on kimi’s shoulder and gestured for him to go back into the room , he was weak, tired and confused . Silently he backed into the waiting room and stood staring at her expectantly.

 

Sebastian stood beside him bracing himself for the worst and readying himself to support kimi in whatever had just transpired. Sebastian was far more alert than kimi at that point , he knew something awful had happened. He feared the words that might fall from the officer’s lips.

 

“your kimi, yes?” Sebastian watched him move his head slightly confirming her question.

 

“Kimi….your brother has received a lethal dose of morphine. It was only himself and that other young man present in the room at the time, I’m so sorry”

 

It was the second time in his life Sebastian had caught kimi as he fell to the ground.

 

Niki didn’t wait for the elevator he took the stairs two by two James panting trying to keep up. Once on the ward, they where met with the same barrier as kimi but a doctor confirmed there identities and led them off to the same waiting room kimi and Sebastian had been taken to.

 

When they entered, they where met with a scene of mass devastation. The doctor backed away in shock. The glass at the back of the room was smashed there where chairs strewn everywhere and the table was in pieces.

 

An officer approached them both and led them back out. Cornering them in a quite part of the corridor she placed a hand on both their shoulders.

 

“there’s been an incident” she started and James reached for nikis hand “ your youngest son had been administered a very high dose of morphine…there was no doctors present and it was only him and another young man by the name of aki hakala in the room at the time . Mr. hakala is now in custody pending further investigation but I am afraid the evidence is clear in this case. He will be charged” James stared at her In disbelief

 

 “Your older son didn’t take the news well he fainted and when he woke he was so inconsolable that he did the damage you just witnessed” she gestured to the ran sacked waiting room “ we had him taken into custody as well for his own safety an that of everyone else. Im so sorry” she repeated to them the same line she had said to kimi.

 

As she walked away, Niki started to tremble. He dropped James hand and backed away. Horror filled his eyes, James flesh and blood had killed there son.

 

Niki turned and ran for the door to Lauri’s room, no officers quick enough to stop him. He burst in through the door a commotion behind him. The bed was empty, and there was men in white suits taking samples from the drip that had been attached to Lauri’s arm.

 

An officer pulled Niki out of the room and the doctor who had been treating lauri forced Niki down the corridor. In all the commotion James had lost sight of him.

 

The doctor led Niki to sit in one of the offices a floor down from ward b7 and handed him a glass of water.

 

“Where is he.” Niki couldn’t cry, he had no more tears left “where Is the body. I want to see him” the doctor placed a firm hand on Nikis shoulder

 

“There’s no need for that. He had a weak pulse, which alerted the machines and we where able to get to him in time. He has been experiencing a lot of nausea and vomiting but we have him back under control and he’s stable. We moved him immediately so the police could corner the other boy. Your son is fine. Ill take you to him once your nerves have calmed”

 

Niki felt faint, it took a half hour for his heart rate to slow and for him to be able to stand properly. James was waiting outside for him.

 

“Niki” James touched his arm lightly and Niki flinched pulling away.

“don’t touch me!” James backed off struck by how vicious Niki had suddenly turned.

 

“ill make sure he never sees the light of day again. You..” Niki spat

“and that boy, are dead to me”

 

Aki banged on the cell walls as hard as he could screaming at the top of his lungs. Pleading, praying that someone would listen to him. He had noticed to late Lauri’s other hand and how he was slowly turning up the dose on his drugs and turning down his fluid intake.

 

Lauri had distracted aki, but he wanted him there. Wanted him to watch. It was horrific and traumatic and now aki was stuck in a rapidly darkening cell as the guards dimmed the lights as punishment to encourage him to shut up or be left in darkness.

 

Lauri needed help, they had to believe him. He would try it again, aki knew he would.

 

Kimi had it easier, they had left him to cool down in one of the comfier padded cells normally used for mentally ill detainees who could potentially harm themselves. He had his own bed and a functioning toilet and plenty of light. They had only left him there to cool off. He had been informed that lauri was indeed alive and that had somewhat calmed him.

 

Sebastian was waiting outside in the police reception area and refused completely to go home with mika or David so they where sat with him.

 

James eventually appeared and mika jumped in his skin at how quickly Sebastian got up from his seat.

 

An officer approached James before Sebastian could question him and led him away.

 

“We are charging Mr. hakala with attempted murder. We understand that you’re biologically related?”

 

James hung his head and nodded. The press made sure everyone knew.

 

“Since you don’t show up on our records we need dna results and then you can see him before he’s taken away pending the court case”

 

James wanted to say that aki wouldn’t ever do this, he would never hurt lauri. But the evidence spoke for itself and the officer’s words wrung in his ears “no one else present in the room” and aki had committed an offence against Nico previously. James had no grounds on which to argue akis case.

 

He wanted more than anything to believe his son was innocent. But lauri was his son to…

 

Aki was led into a white room with a desk and one chair his hands cuffed behind his back. One of the officers forced him into the seat and a rather menacing man in a suit approached and leaned over the table getting right in his face.

 

Aki’s voice was almost gone, and he had exhausted himself . He could no longer put up a fight.

 

“All I need is a confession kid. Just confess and its all over” aki shook his head, he wouldn’t give in until someone listened to him!

 

“I didn’t…” he coughed his throat feeling like he had just swallowed a thousand needles “ I didn’t do it. He did it to himself!”

 

The gentleman looked at him skeptically

 

‘so your saying, that young Mr. Ylonen who was weak from surgery and had been sleeping peacefully somehow managed to increase his own drug dose? How very convent for you. And why on earth would a young man from one of the richest most affluent families in Europe with a successful career do that?”

 

Aki knew he was being mocked but he had the perfect come back, they couldn’t discredit him until they investigated and aki had taken lauri to the emergency room when they where kids, lauri was over sixteen so nurses couldn’t break confidentiality and Niki and James never found out but the hospital would have records of all the incidents. It was the prefect evidence that Lauri was capable of suicidal thoughts, and in this case actions.

 

“Call the hospital near Porvoo and ask for records of Lauri’s self harming. I think you’ll find hes been admitted several times unknown to his ‘rich affluent powerful parents’ if you don’t believe me and he does this again, next time I wont be there to scream for help and he’ll die and you’ll have jailed me for nothing” aki knew by the look on the mans face that he had played the right cards, he also knew he was betraying lauri, lauri would never forgive him for this. Never.


	112. Straight through the flames

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico catches the news on TV ...what will he do now?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-12-05at180418.png.html)

 

Back home in Germany things where never the same again. When Eero would come home now Nico would practically tackle him . They made love every night numerous times, it was bliss. Sometimes they would even drive off to the beach during the day and despite the cold, Nico would insist on Eero ‘taking’ him outside by the sea , Eero knew they could get arrested but Nico was unleashing his carefree side.

 

Eero couldn’t deny that after almost a week since there ‘first time’ he was exhausted. Nicos sexual appetite was insatiable and it was all very new to Eero he sometimes couldn’t keep up and he couldn’t deny that his masculinity got dealt a few blows as Nico could keep going and going. Despite everything Eero taught himself and practiced he simply couldn’t keep it ‘up’ as often as his lover.

 

On the 13th of December Nico flicked on the TV in the morning as usual, lounging on the couch waiting for Eero to come home. As he the channels flashed past and he wasn’t paying any attention, one of the stations flashed a familiar name across the screen, at first he kept scrolling then he realized it was a news channel and quickly flicked backwards.

 

The headline read -

 

“Lauda –Hunt family in more turmoil as attempt to murder youngest son sparks major hospital security questions”

 

Nico turned up the volume and sat forward instantly. _Murder? Lauri? What the fuck?!_ As images of kimi being led out of the hospital by police flashed across the screen the reporters voice cut in.

 

“Yesterday young mister Raikkonen son of high profile F1 drivers – Austrian , Niki Lauda and Englishman -James Hunt , was again to face tragedy as his youngest brother was rushed to intensive care after a massive drug overdose believed to have been administered by a family friend who had been left with the young man. Raikkonen erupted in anger upon the news and is being detained in police custody along with the suspect, a young male believed to be between 23 and 25 years of age. No comments have emerged from the hospital or the family and police urge fans of the young singer and his brother, a new comer in Formula 1 to stay calm and await official news. All we can say now is that young Lauri is stable and recovering”

 

Nicos mouth hung open and his heart started to speed up. Instantly he grabbed the phone and called mika. There was no answer.

 

“pick up isa pick up!!! Come on!!” Nico pressed re dial at least twelve times and still nothing. He didn’t want to but he called his fadder.

 

Keke’s voice sounded so unfamiliar to him now , which made Nico deeply sad.

 

“fadder? Its nico” keke’s breathing sped up and when he next spoke he sounded so happy that Nico almost forgot why he had called in the first place as a smile crossed his own face.

 

“ah Nico! My boy, how are you son?! how’s Germany? How life and racing?” keke was not even the slightest bit mad with him for not keeping in touch.

 

“fadder, everything is fine. I miss you, I am sorry that we cannot catch up properly just now I was phoning to see if you knew anything about what’s happened to Lauri ? The news says someone tried to kill him or something and kimi is in jail”

 

There was a silence “what?” keke replied

 

“Turn on the news” the line went dead for a moment then Nico heard the tv set spring into life on the other end . keke had Finnish news but Nico still understood the rapid commentary.

 

“Jesus fucking hell” nico heard his father mutter , he called down the line  a couple of times to get his fathers attention but keke couldn’t seem to hear him.

 

“fadder! Hey! I am still here!” keke finally picked up again and sounded panicked

 

“Nico the news says seb was there!” Nico turned to his own tv and flicked through until he found the same Finnish news channel. The reporter was talking about mika and Sebastian and how horrific for the youngster to be caught up in his friends latest drama.

 

_His friend? Seb isn’t kimis friend, sebs nothing to him …_ it was wrong for that to be the first thing that crossed Nicos mind but he couldn’t stop the sudden pain in his chest when a paparazzi image of seb and kimi smiling walking through a car park came onto the screen.

 

“nico I have to go son , I think mika is on the other line. Ill call you back ok take care and don’t worry I’m sure Sebastian is fine” Nico hung up first, he didn’t care whether or not, Sebastian was ‘fine’ his thoughts jumped to kimi instead.

 

“im not there for you. I have never been there for you…” Nico muttered into the silence of the apartment.

 

There was a childhood image of him and kimi on the coffee table . Eero never minded him having those things around. Nico looked at it fondly, it was from a night long ago when Niki had hauled them both into the bath and someone, maybe his father keke? Had taken a picture of them both covered in bubbles , kimi’s smile was divine and in the picture Nico had his little hands in the air splashing kimi they both had bubble Mohawks and bubble moustaches.

 

Nico vaguely remembered the conversation as his fathers and kimis had tucked them into bed after there bath

 

“ _Uncle James is being silly!” Nico had chirped happily_

_“uncle James in an ass” Niki had replied swatting at James playfully._

_“rats love uncle James ass!” was James usual sarcastic reply._

The very memory made Nico want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

 

He could go to kimi now, disguise it to Eero under the illusion that he was concerned for Sebastian. He could maybe even convince Eero to come with him…

 

It turned out Nico didn’t need to lie as when Eero got through the door he looked pale and like he had been crying. Eero explained that he had to leave for Finland, lauri and aki needed him. Nico confessed he already knew the situation from the news. They agreed they both needed to leave right away.

 

They grabbed there coats and passports and Nico drove to the airport. They had a six hour delay in Amsterdam before finally touching down in Helsinki Vantaa airport.

 

There was no time for food or chat or sleep. Eero drover them to the university hospital. His first concern was lauri, little did he know Nico was pinning only for kimi and wanted to get to him as quickly as he could.

 

Hey where told they had to wait , that doctor would inform Lauri’s family that he had visitors , Eero gave his name but doubted Niki would recognise it. In all the time he had known lauri he had met Niki once. So Nico also gave his name sensing how much seeing lauri would mean to Eero.

 

They where warned that the family may not receive any visitors.

 

After a four hour wait , with little said between them one of the doctors finally agreed to take Nico and Eero to Niki.Nico raced foreword when he saw his ‘uncle’ , as he had used to call him. Standing outside one of the rooms.

 

“uncle niki!” Niki looked round and beamed at him he opened his arms and Nico fell into them.

“Nico Rosberg, little prince Nico. What on earth are you doing hear?” Nico didn’t answer at first, Niki felt like home and he wanted to enjoy that feeling.

 

“I heard the news in Germany, I just needed to come and make sure everyone was ok. I’ve stayed away to long. I miss you, all of you and im so sorry ive been so distant. Im so sorry uncle Niki” Eero stood some distance away and watched, the older man seemed to know Nico well. Very well.

 

“its fine lad. Id be scolding you but I’ve been through a lot and now isn’t the time.”

 

Nico nodded and gestured to Eero.

 

“uncle I guess you’ll be the first to know this. I ask that you don’t tell kimi. Please I want to tell him myself. This is Eero, he’s in the band with Lauri . And…” Nico didn’t know if he could say it, he didn’t know if he had the strength to confess finally , especially to kimi’s own father.

 

“And were , well..he’s my partner”  Niki looked from Nico to Eero who hadn’t moved an inch. Nico had just made a double confession, first that he was gay and second that he did indeed have a lover.

 

A pair of stern eyes fell upon Eero and the air was heavy with emotion, the ward was bright but seemed dark . There was something sinister there, all Eero could pay any attention to was how he felt like he was suddenly surrounded by lies and deceit.

 

Nikis aura was far from welcoming.

 

“Aren’t you the one from the ally way that night in France?” Nico cut in quickly , he didn’t want Eero unfairly judged before he had even had a chance to introduce himself.

 

“Niki, Eero did everything he could that night. He’s a wonder full guy and one of Lauri’s best friends. He just wants a moment to see him. Please uncle”

 

Niki had to admit he was at his end. Lauri wasn’t talking to him, wouldn’t answer him and wouldn’t answer the police. He lay there staring blankly out the window. Doctors had sent word for a psychiatrist to evaluate him. The shrink hadn’t arrived yet and Niki could no longer stand the silence.

 

“fine. But he’s not talking, he probably won’t even look at you. We don’t know what’s happening with him”  Eero noted how Brocken Niki was, how defeated he seemed.

 

Eero knew exactly what was wrong with Lauri, Eero could see all the desperate signs. It wasn’t his place to judge niki’s parenting skills, but he really wanted to tell him how blind he was. Instead he thanked Niki and entered the room leaving Nico and Niki outside to catch up.

 

Lauri was humming to himself. Eero knew the song instantly and smiled.

 

He sang a few lines

 

“ I always run straight to the flames, I’ve lost my face in a thousand ways”

 

Lauri’s head shot up and when their eyes met lauri knew he couldn’t hide anything now, to Eero he was an open book.

 

 


	113. Have a little mercy , go ahead and fake it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything's so empty and everyones so fake, is there anyone left thats real?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/c39f59c2-cb62-48c6-ac65-53f5cb4e9f5a.jpg.html)

Lauri finally opened up when Eeros peaceful presence surrounded him and his walls came shattering down.

 

He was full of regrets and questions; he was ashamed and branded himself a failure. A failure because he couldn’t die at his own hands.

 

“I couldn’t even end it properly, I can’t even succeed in that!” he had cried his voice breaking his chest heaving and waves of sickness interrupting his overflow of pent up emotions. He was a wreck a shadow of the boy Eero knew, the boy Eero used to hold close on cold nights spent in a cramped tour bus aware of Akis burning gaze baring into the back of his head. Eero was no threat to Aki , he was simply a different kind of comfort for Lauri. These dark feelings kept coming back to Lauri this kept happening to him and Eero just wanted to save him from it all, but he couldn't.

 

Lauri couldn’t pinpoint the exact problem or why it had suddenly taken hold of him again that night in the Hosptial. He described his mind as being like a black hole and he was falling deeper into it. He said the same to Eero as he had said to aki. “I want to die” and he also added “ it s better that I stop existing. I don’t even want to breath anymore”

 

The words where chilling and the terror they filled Eero with was almost to much. He felt he may end up walking on egg shells with Lauri trying not to say the wrong thing , trying not to push him over that edge again, but, There would be no use in comforting his young friend, no point is sugar coating this and telling him ‘everything would be ok’. Because that was a lie and Eero was no lier. Eero didn’t work that way, only the truth truly helped people. It was time lauri faced some truths.

 

“Your sick lau. But its not a sickness that any drugs will magically fix it’s a sickness that we internalize, a sickness of the mind. It comes and goes and it swallows us . Its like a prison inside our heads no one understands our own struggles and pain so we keep it all inside and suffer. I’ve found my way finally and you will to, your strong Lau stronger than you give yourself credit for.” Lauri looked away from him in disbelief when he said those words, he simply did not believe there was an ounce of strength left in him

 

“you cannot go on like this anymore , you have to demand that you get help. Don’t be ashamed lauri you know I did it, I had to and im glad I did. You can beat this lauri, you have to confess and tell Niki what you told me . That you waited for the nurse to turn her back that you yourself turned up the drugs, would you honestly watch aki go down for this?”

 

Lauri didn’t intend to let anything happen aki. He hadn’t thought it through but now it hit him, that yes if he had died aki would be blamed but he had hopped that his own fingerprints on the tubing would be enough to get aki off the hook. But now that he had lived and aki was detained regardless and faced the blame for a crime he never committed lauri wanted to die even more the hurt now that he was experiencing was almost a thousand times more powerful. Aki loved him , adored him and now might rot in a cell for him. 

 

Had they even checked for prints? Would they even investigate or would they just convict him? Lauri would now need to confess, what would Niki think of him ? What would kimi think?

 

Lauri remembered back to a hotel room long ago in Norway. Kimi pleading with Nico and Nico unable or unwilling to respond , Kimi almost face a criminal record. lauri would not do that to aki. He wouldn’t betray him like that.

 

“Eero, can you get Niki. I have…I have something I have to tell him” Eero squeezed Lauri’s bicep and patted his chest before walking towards the door.

 

“Your doing the right thing lau, your heart can find some piece in that” lauri felt his eyes watering, he didn’t want to cry but confessing this to Niki would be the hardest thing he had ever done.

 

Niki stepped foreword as Eero walked out of the room

 

“Mr. Lauda, lauri has something’s he’d like to say to you”  Niki nodded and walked past Eero into the room . Eero closed the door behind them.

 

“So How is he?” Nico asked although he wasn’t really interested and that was evident when he was stood checking his hair in the window instead of looking at Eero. His mind to preoccupied with kimi and it didn’t help that Niki and him had just had a little conversation regarding kimis current mental state.

 

When there was silence and Nico finally turned to face him , Eero looked at him in disgust “stop pretending you care Nico. Its very unflattering”

 

The air was thick with a ‘fakeness’ and Eero had to get out. Nico was stunned. When Eero left him standing there in the corridor and walked away.

 

Lauri sat up in bed instantly and Niki tried to make him lay back down again.

 

“stop! Just stop ok…I’m not a child” Niki backed away at Lauri’s outburst and sat across from the hospital bed at a safe distance hoping space would make Lauri finally just speak to him. Lauri felt another wave of nausea come over him. He fought it back, not wanting to throw up again.

 

“I did this ... I put myself here. It wasn’t aki. Aki is innocent.” Niki didn’t understand,

 

“Lauri …what are you saying exactly?” he wasn’t sure he wanted the answer. He watched lauri inhale sharply and look away.

 

“I get…these moments, times when I just …cant stand being here anymore where every breath hurts where I just…can’t handle being alive any longer. And its better anyway for you all that I wasn’t hear. I am so angry that I couldn’t end it successfully, im so fucking angry that im still hear, I wanted it over so badly…  I had decided since I was here anyway that I would just end it. Better to die in a hospital right? Better it was done hear than you find me in pools of blood on the bathroom floor”  Niki brought his hand to his mouth in shock , he couldn’t believe what he was hearing but lauri wasn’t finished

 

“I didn’t want you here to see what would happen. It was good when kimi left and then you left. It almost worked out to perfectly. Slowly I turned the drip up, and the higher the dose got the less if felt anything. It was amassing and I was so numb . I was going to ask aki to pull out the machines but I knew, I could see in his eyes he loved me but not enough to help me with this. I figured id be dead before anyone could do anything, I want you to get the police and the doctors so I can tell them. So they will let aki go”

 

Niki couldn’t say anything. There was nothing to be said. His son had nearly died of an illness, he had lived and Niki had been so happy. And now this, he had gone through it all and yet his son was confessing to him that he wanted to die regardless?, Niki had no idea where it had all come from. Did he even know lauri at all? Who was this dark troubled young man and where had he gone wrong?

 

Then a scarring thought hit him, had James done something to there son…the images that then flashed in his mind made him want to throw up.

 

“im sorry” lauri whispered. “I think I need help isa,” Niki finally looked at his son and Lauri’s eyes where pleading, all the thought of James left and his mind filled with images of doctors in white jackets and injections and a cold little room with Lauri sat there alone, he couldn’t bare the thought of having to admit lauri to some kind of institution. he simply wouldn’t do it. But he agreed lauri needed help, he would look into other options.

 

He rose from the chair and pulled lauri towards him. Clutching him to his chest.

 

“You’re being very brave lauri. Please don’t ever forget how much your loved”

 

Niki turned as the door opened and a team of doctors accompanied by police and two more higher up officials entered the room. Suddenly Lauri was clutching onto him for dear life.

 

“Mr. lauda, I’m timo and I specialize in investigating criminal cases ,  we have some concerning news. Maybe you should step outside with me and leave the doctors with lauri”

 

Lauri grabbed Nikis arm “don’t” he said looking Niki dead in the eye “don’t leave me with them”

 

“We just have to speak with your father for a moment. just a moment, he will be back before you know it” he hated that patronizing voice they used when they addressed him , they where treating him like a child or some dumb unthinking moron , his grip tightened on Nikis arm.

 

“Whatever it is you can tell me here” timo looked aggravated

 

“Honestly mr lauda id rather not…” Niki interrupted him id sentence

 

“Then it cant be that important young man” the detective seemed insulted by Niki referring to him as ‘young man’ he looked down to compose himself again and seemed to think for a moment.

 

“Alright Mr Lauda. But this is a conversation id rather have had in private to spare your son some dignity” Niki looked at lauri who looked back at him with fear in his eyes.

 

“Mr. Lauda. Your sons finger prints where all over the medical tubing. It was lauri who had turned up his own dose. We have reason to believe your son had a history of self harm . The local hospital near your town agreed to release confidential medical records to us for our investigation, it turns out lauri has been admitted to accident and emergency numerous times with deep wounds to his wrists and legs. This is no longer a murder case, im afraid your son attempted suicide and unfortunately his young friend was there and conveniently it also seems like young lauri was trying to frame him for murder”

 

Lauri erupted before Niki could try and stop him or even register the fact that he had just been told unknown to him that lauri had been in hospital for self harm.

 

“I did not frame him! Yes I asked him to help me end it, it was selfish and I never thought it through, I just wanted him to be with me I didnt want to die alone…and yes I’ve been cutting for years what fucking business was that of yours! Why would they release that information when they told me they couldn’t!”

 

The detective looked at him with sympathy “ Mr. hakala told us. He also told us he felt you needed professional help and if I am at liberty to say so, I agree with him. The young man thought you dead initially Lauri, I can see this Individual cares for you and I don’t wish to be harsh but you’ve Brocken that young man”

 

Niki knew of the self harm but had thought Lauri had only ever done it a few times , but the words “cutting for years” struck him hard. How the hell could he have not known? What wasn’t he seeing? When did lauri even have the opportunity to do this to himself? Niki was desperately searching his mind, trying to somehow find the missing pieces that would connect the puzzle in his mind.

 

Lauri felt like he had just been stabbed. Aki had told his secret, Aki who had sworn never to utter a word. Had sworn to take it to his grave. The words of the detective seemed to ring in his ears ‘you’ve Brocken that young man’ , Lauri felt that hole opening wider and he was falling deeper into it.

 

 

 

 

 


	114. Skeletons in the closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico choses the worst time to make his presence known to Lauri. Niki has some tough questions for his youngest son and he deeply regrets asking them

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-09-12at183046-1.png.html)

 

When the doctors and the official left , Nico walked into the hospital room. He had waited long enough and he was aching to know if he could go and see kimi.

He just had to see him, know that he was ok and then he could leave. However somewhere deep inside he knew it wasn’t going to be that simple.

 

When he entered and lauri saw him. Nico felt like turning on his heels and running, he knew instantly he had picked the wrong moment to intrude. There was a look in Lauri’s eyes, a look that said to Nico _‘you’ve majorly fucked up by being here’_. Niki turned and welcomed Nico, though Nico could sense his presence wasn’t wanted. Lauri’s gaze followed him like a predator stalking its prey.

 

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Nico thought he might as well observe the proper etiquette. He couldn’t just launch into asking about kimi, especially after all lauri had just gone through. He watched with a tinge of fear as Lauri’s eyes narrowed and his jaw tightened.

 

“What the fuck are you here” it wasn’t what Nico was expecting after how lauri had been with him barely a few weeks ago in Germany. Back then lauri seemed cheerful and somewhat at ease. Lauri Eero himself and aki had all enjoyed simply being together and not being judged. Nico thought lauri of all people understood the situation, because of how close he was with Eero.

 

“Lauri, come on son. Nico is here with your friend, they both came to make sure your ok.” Lauri laughed bitterly taking Niki by surprise.

 

“ow Nico, Nico , Nico , Nico. You’ve fucked up now haven’t you. Did he tell you ? he did didn’t he?” lauri hung his head the laughter becoming more manic almost hysterical. Niki was deeply concerned, when lauri calmed he spoke again his voice full of venom “you stupid selfish cunt! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?! He’ll kill Eero! You’ve put him in danger, because your selfish ass only thought about yourself! Your not here for me you’re here for kimi, don’t lie princess Rosberg! I told you before I fucking hate liars!!!”

 

Lauri was becoming more and more distressed, his face reddening as he spoke, his fists clenching. Nico couldn’t speak, Lauri’s words cut like razors because he was right. Everything he said was true. Eero…if kimi found out…if Niki told him, Nico had been so stupid.

 

“What have I done..” he whispered , neither Niki or lauri heard the words.

 

Lauri erupted at him again, his awkward silence drawing more anger from the distressed young man.

 

“get out!!! Get the fuck out!!!” lauri screamed at Nico , Nico didn’t need to hear anymore , he ran. Niki didn’t pursue to busy trying to calm lauri who was shaking his head violently clutching his hair in his hands mumbling ‘no, no, no,’

 

Niki clutched him close rubbing his back and rocking him from side to side like an infant child.

 

“Stop lauri, please stop. This is killing me, it’s killing me to see you like this”

Lauri mumbled against nikis chest, but Niki couldn’t hear him so he pulled away and sat on front of lauri taking his face in his hands.

 

“What is it? Tell me. im here son.” he kept his voice low and calm and Lauri’s green eyes flickered to his own every now and again.

 

“I want to see Eero, get Eero back for me please…please don’t let kimi hurt him, promise me you wont tell kimi about Nico and Eero. Eeros my best friend, I need him”

 

Niki caressed Lauri’s cheeks and hushed him.

“Nothing is going to happen to your friend. And I wont tell kimi anything. I’ll call one of the nurses to fetch him. I’m not leaving your side understand?”

 

Lauri knew Niki didn’t trust him now, he understood that. After all who would trust him ever again after this. He wondered would he ever be allowed to be alone, or was the rest of his life going to be plagued with people watching him. Eyes everywhere. His life was like that anyway sometimes, camera flashes, girls screaming and calling his name, aki watching him whilst he slept. But then there was always the long lengthy periods of loneliness, his room and the darkness no one there to talk to , no one to come and check if he was ok , if he needed anything, if he wanted a hug. Maybe the eyes everywhere was better? He no longer knew.

 

Niki called through the door for a nurse, he described Eero and even asked if they could put a message over the tannoy. The nurse obliged and a message wrung out for ‘Eero heinonen to ward u21 room 2’.

 

Lauri fell back onto the bed and gazed at the ceiling.  Niki sat on the bed next to him and patted his arm. He had questions, so many of them. Most of them related to James and the now disturbing thoughts he was having . He couldn’t ask lauri now could he?, it wouldn’t be right but he needed to know. He had to know if James had ‘abused’ there son in other ways. Niki didn’t want to believe that it could ever be true, he knew James and James wouldn’t do that . But enough times the news had reported such horrors , and it often happened not in secret but on front of the other parents very eyes without them even seeing it.

 

Niki couldn’t stand it any longer he had to know. He just had to.

 

“Lauri, I need to ask you something and you have to be one hundred percent honest with me” lauri’s tired eyes flickered to Nikis face.

 

Niki swallowed hard, how could he say this to his own son? How do you ask your child if your partner had been abusing them? Niki’s eyes began to fill up. He brought his had to Lauri’s forehead sweeping away the stray stands of black hair.

 

“son” he chocked and lauri looked up at him with deeply sad eyes, yet also somehow full of concern

“I know there are things about James you aren’t telling me” instantly lauri looked away, Niki thought then that he had his answer. His stomach flipped and he felt the bile rise in his throat. He tried to collect himself, lauri hadn’t actually confirmned anything yet. The question still needed to be asked.

 

“Lauri, look at me.” lauri would return his gaze to Nikis , starring off into the distance and going mute once again.

 

“Lauri please, look at me little lintu” when Lauri heard his pet name fall from Nikis lips it made his heart ache. Finally he looked Niki in the eyes once again.

 

Niki held his gaze as awkward and difficult as it was to look into those eerie tortured emeralds Niki wouldn’t crack.

 

“Son, did James …did he ever” niki faltered but Lauri’s eyes weren’t giving anything away, “did he touch you” when the word’s left Nikis mouth , he couldn’t believe he had said them. And he couldn’t take them back, Lauri’s eyes seemed to go wide , he seemed bewildered and stunned. Niki felt relief for a moment but he needed lauri to answer him.

 

“Lauri…I need to know. I need to know if James was…was doing things to you”

 

Niki felt his soul crumble a little as lauri raised a hand to his scarred face.

 

“no. it wasn’t James” what should have been Nikis relief , instead brought him a deeper sense of devastation. All lauri had confirmed was that it wasn’t James. But someone had been abusing him, someone had been touching him…Niki nearly fell apart all over again.

 

 

 

 


	115. Fatal Desires

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes in life the things we think are our choices to make , where never truly in our own hands.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-12-10at162355.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-12-10at162734.png.html)

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-12-05at180531-1.png.html)

 

 

Eero felt his eyes burning but he wouldn’t cry there was no was he was going to let a little moment like that with Nico hurt him so deeply. But he almost couldn’t help it, he had wanted Nico to hold him , he needed Nico to hold him.

 

He was torn up inside. In his youth Eero had lost a brother, it ripped his family to pieces, Lauri was the ‘brother’ he never really had. Eero loved that kid, but he was also so tired of being the one everyone else leaned on. He needed someone, someone to care, to offload on. He felt so crushed under the weight of it all, and the voices he heard in his head where deafening. Everyone’s sorrows seemed to dance on the air , weavings of sharp contrasting colors of those relieved to have there loved ones back and those who had lost someone , all jarring and mixing with the complex and shattering thoughts of those who where at the bedside of people who had put themselves there, like Lauri.

 

Eero had to get out. It was too much and then he saw him, like a bolt of lightning it hit him and he instantly turned back racing the way he came, he couldn’t let them meet. He had to stop Nico seeing him, seeing kimi.

 

Kimi had headed for the elevator so Eero raced for the stairs. But he was to late, as Nico had ran from Lauri’s room he to had headed for the elevator , standing there tears streaking his face, his fists balled up and his chest heaving when the doors clicked open the last person he expect to walk straight into was kimi.

 

Nicos bowed forehead hit kimi right in the chest as they walked foreword at the same time . Nico pulled away hiding his face and mumbled an apology before darting into the elevator , kimi instantly stopped the doors shutting and then Nico looked up.

 

“Kimi!” Nico gasped , the sight of the other man literally took his breath away. Time had seemed to erode just how perfect kimi was in real life from his brain. All Nico had where old photos , and memories or images on a TV screen and none of them did kimi any justice.

 

Kimis head was spinning; he had just been released from a holding cell at the police station. He had no idea what was happening with aki, or lauri. He didn’t quite believe his eyes.

 

Nico noted his distant expression, he pushed kimi lightly out of the way of the doors until they where both in the corridor once again. Then kimi seemed to wake up.

 

The first thing kimi noticed was Nico had been crying. As if it was the most natural thing in the world kimi brought his hands to Nicos cheeks and wiped the trails away.

 

Nico felt like he might melt. Kimi was looking at him with such concern in his eyes, but it was concern mixed with lust. Nico knew that look so well, kimi had given him it before and he could feel the tension rising between them. Kimi had been through hell and if he was his normal self Nico thought that maybe kimi would have pinned him against the wall crashing there mouths together. But because of the events that had just taken place kimi was so unsure and he seemed timid, almost shy.

 

“Hey iceman” Nico reached out and touched his face, there was less than a second and then kimis mouth was on his. Nico did melt then, he melted right into kimis arms. His eyes closed, and felt all of kimi emotions flood into him, all the pain and the hurt and the need foe someone, anyone to take it all away. Nico could feel his mouth moving along with kimis. Kimis lips where soft and his tongue was expert as he forced his way into Nicos mouth with such intensity and desperation.

 

Eero stood at the end of the corridor, and watched. He watched Nico in kimis arms, watched kimis hands run through his hair , watched as Nicos hands ran up his chest to his neck. Eero had never felt a pain like it, if someone had shot him in that moment he doubted he would even feel the bullet tearing his flesh. And then Nicos eyes opened and they locked gazes.

 

Nico pulled away from kimi instantly, kimi eyed him with hurt and concern , Nico panicked then. His heart was in his throat. He had to do something, this couldn’t happen this way. If only Eero would leave, if only he would run. But Eero wasn’t moving and now kimi had noticed him.

 

“Eero” Nico gasped. _Run, please run_.

 

Kimi looked at Nico questioningly.

 

“Who is that?” kimi asked, but before Nico could respond he answered his own question “wait, arnt you…Lauri’s bass player?”

 

Eero ignored kimis question and locked eyes with Nico. He finally let the oceans of pain seep out one precious drop after another. Nico had never seen Eero upset, had never imagined that those beautiful soft eyes could cry. Nico was filed with the deepest feelings of regret he had ever experienced in his entire life, standing there facing the two men he loved and one who would now be nursing much more than a Brocken heart.

 

Kimi was looking between them both and nothing seemed to register. Then finally Eero broke the silence , and Nicos heart all at once.

 

“Goodbye Nico, I wish you every happiness”  Eero turned and disappeared back the way he came , Nico screamed after him in distress

 

“no Eero please!! Eero!!!” kimi looked on as Nico raced down the corridor. And then it finally hit him; echo’s of the words that had shattered him when he made that fateful phone call and heard Nico say the words -

 

_“my boyfriend. Look Kimi its nice to hear from you and im glad your ok after everything that happened, however and Im busy kimi , I need to go”_

Kimi raced after Nico, all the blood rushing to his ears all he could hear was white noise. The same sound that he heard every time he his anger had gotten the better of him. He knew the warning signs but he still couldn’t control it. He had been tormented with images of Nico with other men, countless combinations of faces would appear in his mind and he would hear Nico moaning and it wasn’t for him ,he was plagued with images of Nico, legs spread some Stanger leaning over him , touching him, pushing into him. It had made kimi sick, had caused him insomnia.

 

And now he had the face, he knew who it was. He could get some kind of revenge.

 

Eero made it as far as the parking lot before kimi raced past Nico and caught him.

They both skidded on the ice beneath the snow and fell to the ground.

 

Nico’s deafening screams weren’t enough to distract kimi. Just like last time when kimi had nearly killed Aki. There was no way to stop him.

 

“get off him! Kimi leave him alone! Get of him! Eero!!!” Nicos hysteria , attracted the stares of some passers by but none would help. Instead there cold disapproving gazes fell on the two men struggling in the snow.

 

Eero was heavier and taller than kimi but had fallen hard and hadn’t recovered in time he was desperately trying to prise kimis hands from his throat.

 

Nico tried to pull kimi off, he was to strong and even when Nico started punching his side or pulling at his hair nothing worked.

 

Kimi pushed hard down on Eeros throat , all he could see was red and all he could hear was the noise in his ears. There were tears streaking his face. Then suddenly when Eeros hands fell from his wrists and he stilled beneath him kimi let go and fell back panting , devastated. He stood slowly and faced Nico pointing at Eero.

 

“Him?! …but…why? Why Nico?!” Nico watched kimi fall to one knee clutching his chest.

 

“You…you slept with him?” Nico wept and wept , kimi was breaking on front of him.

 

“No!!” kimi wailed and fell onto both knees his head bowed. “Please god no.”

 

Eero’s air supply had been cut off for so long he was gasping for breath, his lips had gone blue and his vision was blurred. But he was till alive; much to his own surprise kimi hadn’t had the final strength to end him.

 

There was a Brocken pole mere inches from kimi which had detached from one of the hand rails. Kimi reached over and grabbed it, he didn’t care anymore. Nico was gone along with everyone else, the illusion was shattered. Hi family broken, Kimi would never have what he had longed for since the first moments he had laid eyes on Nico. He would never have his love, whole and complete. Nico had given pieces of that away. It didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered.

 

Kimi stood slowly and grasped the pole. Nico instantly reacted, as kimi lifted his arm to swing it down on Eero Nico threw himself across Eero’s body .

 

 

 

 

 


	116. Just one big lie , such a perfect illusion.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams have been shattered , illusions broken, Lovers will part, friendships will be tested and brothers must face the harsh reality of one another.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10685390_744030665677349_5574979923753548351_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-12-12at210337.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-12-12at210721.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-12-12at210534.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2014-12-12at211520.png.html)

 

 

Nico screwed his eyes shut waiting for the blow. It never came, he looked up and kimi was staring down at him, the weapon raised in his hand his, groping it so tightly his knuckles where tuning white..

“Move!” kimi spat through gritted teeth. Nico clutched Eero tighter.

“Kimi please, please don’t do this” kimis eyes where mere shells there was nothing left. Nico wondered if there was even any point in reasoning now or should he just accept his and Eeros fates.

“Give me one good reason, why I shouldn’t.” the words where laced with malice and hatred and even after all kimi had done he hadn’t learned. He hadn’t been able to stem the anger, to tame the beast. Nico felt that it was all his fault if only he had stayed, if only he had been who kimi wanted him to be. If only that Nico could really exist. Kimi wanted a reason, Nico gave him one

“Because I love him” Nico heard the clatter of the pole hitting the ground. Eero felt his heart thudding in his chest. The sound of the pole clattering against the concrete was the most deafening sound he had ever heard.

Then there was the thudding of footsteps and someone prying Nico away from him. He wanted to reach out pull Nico back, but he didn’t.

When Nico looked round, James had kimis arms firmly locked behind his back and was struggling to wrestle kimi to the ground. The scene devastated him, he had caused this. This was all his fault. He turned to Eero who was being helped to sit up by aki.

“Eero” aki was gently tapping the side of his face “ come on big guy, talk some shit about your auras now dumb ass, bet you never saw this coming” Aki was trying his hardest to joke with his friend but Eero was not only cut up inside, he was physically wounded and his head was spinning. There was blood trickling from his nose and his neck was bruised. The physical pain was a welcome distraction. For a moment he actually realized why lauri had initially started to self harm, the pain inside was much worse than this.

Nico tried to move foreword d, to hold him but Aki forced him away yelling

“Don’t you fucking dare asshole!” Nico was of course still terrified of Aki and he backed off instantly.

Luckily for them all the public had long lost interest and the car park was eerily quiet. Kimi gave up quicker than usual after James commanded that he “think of Lauri and stop this madness!” he eventually allowed James to force him to his knees.

As if it couldn’t get any worse Nico caught site of mika and David racing towards him followed by Sebastian.

Mika examined the scene with horror. Nico caught sight of Sebastian dashing off towards kimi. He watched his younger brother place a hand on kimis shoulder defying James order to “not touch him”. The feelings erupting inside Nico grew even more complex as he saw kimi’s head fall onto Sebastian shoulder, and the youngster wrap his arms around him.

He could hear kimi mumbling in Finnish something like “I want my brother, I want Niki!” he sounded like a child who had just fallen and grazed his knees.

Nico turned to run, unable to stand it nay longer, he ran right into mikas arms. Mika held him as he struggled weakly, eventually he gave in and buried in face in mikas neck, sobbing his heart out and mika stroked his hair , hushing him.

When Eero was finally able to stand, he and aki slipped away in silence back into the hospital. As deep as akis need was to see lauri, he had a responsibility to their friend. Eero had pulled him out of so many holes. Now Eero needed him.

“Come on Buda boy lets get you cleaned up. Bunch of fuck ups all of them”

The bathroom was thankfully empty and aki scrunched up a tone of toilet paper running it under the warm tap and huffing in frustration as it started to fall to bits. Eero smiled at his utter hopelessness, and grabbed himself one of the stronger paper towels and held it to his nose. Aki mocked offense.

“fine then! I wont bother saving your ass from that nutter next time.” Aki instantly knew that his statement wasn’t funny when Eero looked away.

“Sorry, hey come here” Aki wrapped his arms around Eero. “You’ll be ok, you’ve been through worse. Forget him, forget all of them! The best thing we ever did was take Lauri away, why the fuck did we fuck that up?. We made our own family, we where happy , weren’t we?”

Aki’s words struck a chord within him. He had thought he was happy, thought Lauri was happy. In reality it was all just a smoke screen. They where running away. And there is only so far you can run before all your problems catch up with you. Then Nico happened and Eero thought finally he had stopped running. He was in love, he always would be. He promised he wouldn’t let go.

“No Aki. It wasn’t what it seemed to be. Just one big lie, such a perfect illusion” Aki watched his friends distant gaze and couldn’t decipher whether he was referring to the old days on tour or Nico, or both. Eero always had away of bringing Aki back down to earth, and Aki hated it. Because he hated how painful their reality was.

Eero patted his back and pulled away.

“Go to Lauri. Ill be fine. Don’t worry about me. He needs you more than I do” Aki shook his head.

“He will never forgive me Eero. You have no idea what I’ve just done.” Eero listened as Aki explained the whole messed up state of affairs. He described the countless times he had been sat in waiting rooms whilst they stitched up lauris wounds. He told of how he had sworn never to breath a word, and how important that promise had been to Lauri. Now he had Brocken it.

“he’s my world Eero” Eero watched Aki close his eyes to the pain, “he’s my world and I love him ..And he asked me to help him die”

“But you didn’t, and you’ve saved him. Now everyone will need to face this, we all need to unite. For Lauris sake”

There was a hint of craziness in what Eero seemed to be suggesting.

“I think your head hit the ice to hard. Are you suggesting that you would honestly band together with that psycho Raikkonen? You honestly think he would make some kind of truce now? After the Nico fiasco? Just for Lauri? Eero get your medieval ass out of the clouds and smell the hashplants, or better yet smoke some of Pauli’s shit . It might make you come back to earth”

“Who’s the one person on this planet that kimi would choose over Nico without fail , without thought , every single time?” Aki didn’t like to admit it, he hated the very notion of Kimi. And each time they met he hated him more. But there was the slightest, tiniest possibility that Kimi loved Lauri even more than he did, and that was a scary thought because Aki would die for Lauri , would endure torture for him. Eero could feel and see Aki ‘s mind shifting.

“ We all have been telling ourselves that none of this was ‘supposed’ to happen but it did, and I believe there is a reason for everything. I believe all these relationships have been torn apart because we need to see the bigger picture; these distractions have kept us from noticing a young man fall apart. I see him now, do you?”

Aki nodded “I see him.” Eero smiled and patted Akis shoulder comfortingly.

“You always have Aki. Its you who needs to face kimi, I think only you can do this.” Before Aki could contest Eeros statement Eero cut him of saying simply

“Do it for Lauri, because you love him.” The hidden meaning in Eeros words was actually ‘do it because you love him even if he will no longer love you in return’.

 

  
James led kimi inside to the bathroom. When the door opened Aki and Eero both spun round and when Eero caught site of kimi he instinctively backed up against the wall. It became evident however that Kimi’s ‘moment’ had long passed. Eero felt the overwhelming feelings of agony, disappointment and rejection overwhelming him .

He actually felt sorry for Kimi, felt guilt for his part in what had happened. it was no longer a battle for Nico, Nico was the one pulling the strings and neither of them truly had a choice in this. Both there hearts where shattered, they had both fallen in to deep. Eero somehow felt that Kimi had been worse off , had somehow suffered a far deeper blow.

Kimi barely even looked at them. He let James perch him against the wall and sponge cold water down his neck and over his forehead. Kimi hadn’t cried so hard in years, possibly ever. The pained sobbing had taken all his energy away. He was heaving, his chest shuddering as he struggled for breath. Aki watched James tending to him the same way James had done for him after his year on the streets of Helsinki.

To get out Eero would need to pass kimi, he wasn’t sure he should even move. Aki noted how he seemed frozen in fear.

James turned finally noticing them both he patted Akis shoulder and gently touched his hair, before fixing his attention firmly on Eero. Eeros neck was littered with angry bruises in the shape of hand prints , his eye was blackening and his nose had traces of drying blood , one of his ears was also bleeding.

“whats you name?” James said softly. Aki answered for him.

“This is Eero, he’s in the band with us.” James nodded in recognition.

“Are you alright Eero? How badly are you hurt?” Aki looked to his friend encouraging him.

“Its alright Eero, this is James…Lauri’s other father, and my father…its complicated”

Eero nodded , he vaguely knew the situation but had yet to be filled in on all details.

“I’m fine. And I won’t take ant action against kimi if your worried. I understand his reaction. I can only apologize for my part in this.” James didn’t know exactly what Eeros part in this was. He had been at the police station the entire time and had no idea why kimi had attacked this young man none the less he was was stunned.

It was Kimi who should be apologising, in fact Kimi owed the boy far more than an apology. James was at a loss as to what to do with Kimi now. Eero should press charges; James truly felt kimi needed to go to jail for this. Needed to be punished, after what James had just witnessed Kimi was capable of murder, he could have killed Eero and possibly in his blind rage without thinking he would have. He only took one swing of that pole to Eeros head…James couldn’t bare the thought.

Aki stepped foreword tentatively and James held out his hand when he felt Aki had gotten to close.

“Kimi?” Kimi barely reacted to his name, he was gazing down at the floor completely and utterly broken, there was nothing left not even the coldness. He was empty.

“Kimi, Lauri needs you. I don’t want to hurt you any further but…He needs to tell you something’s. Maybe you and James should go and see him?”

Kimi hadn’t yet had time to register why Aki was out of jail. He hadn’t questioned what was going on, James nor himself knew of what Lauri had done. Aki figured if their was more breaking to be done then it was better to do it all at once and get it over with. Saving Kimi from this wasn’t an option. Kimi had to be brought back , for Lauri’s sake the ‘iceman’ had to return.

“Aki’s right, Lets go see your brother, come on Kimster” James led Kimi off again and Eero turned to Aki.

“go with them, he needs you to”

“Are you sure? What about you? Come with me..” Eero shook his head.

“I…I cant handle any more Aki. I’ll be ok , Just let me be alone for awhile” Aki understood but it still hurt him to leave Eero all alone.

“Come up to ward when you feel better. You know Lauri never tires of your stupid face! He’s always delighted to see you” Eero smiled as best he could and shooed Aki out of the bathroom.

Once he was alone, he left the hospital and wandered out into the cold Helsinki night air . The snow had stopped falling. Nico was gone. And he walked off into the distance without any real direction.

Niki hadn’t been able to get Lauri to confess any further. And he didn’t push him sensing that, as painful as it was for him to be aware of it, the fact Lauri had experienced the abuse was far more traumatic.

Lauri once again lay in Silence. Inside Niki was shattered, the pieces of him now far to small to put back together. Someone had been abusing his child. His mind was racing. Playing out every scenario, searching every face in his mind. Everyone was a suspect to him now. Mika, Ronnie, Keke, Jackie…everyone.

There was a small knock on the door and Niki looked round. James pushed it open slightly, fearing Niki’s reaction.

“Niki…can I come in?” Lauri answered for him.

“yes” Niki couldn’t protest if it was what Lauri wanted , however James was one of the last people he wanted to see. Niki turned away as he entered the room.

James glanced briefly at the back of Niki’s head and then turned to Lauri, who was sitting up once again.

“Hi ” Lauri said smiling a little. James approached his bedside and put a tentative hand on his shoulder, Lauri saw his eyes filling up with tears.

“They let Aki go, what the hell happened Lauri? Whats going on” James was suddenly very aware of Niki watching him, ready to cut in . But Lauri wasn’t going to let Niki answer for him, there would be no cover ups. His family deserved to know the truth.

“Where’s Kimi? I need to talk to him as well. I have something I need to say” James nodded and fetched Kimi. Who had remarkably composed himself on the journey from the bathroom to Lauri’s hospital suit.

Kimis joy to see Lauri looking somewhat healthier, and alive was evident. He grabbed him and pulled him close, Lauri put both arms round his brother but sensed something was wrong; there was blood on Kimis shirt collar and sleeves.

When kimi pulled away he noticed lauri staring at him in disbelief.

“Please tell me you didn’t…you didn’t hurt him did you..” Kimi hung his head in shame. And Niki approached him, James placing a hand on Niki’s chest.

“What has he done?” Niki looked at James with a warning in his eyes.

“no please….no. Where is Eero?! What have you done to him!” Kimi hid his face in his hands.

“Answer him kimi!” Niki yelled and James had to gently but firmly push him away.

“Eeros is fine! They had a fight…but he’s fine. Hes up and talking and despite a few bruises the boy escaped more shaken than anything else. I have no idea what it was about …kimi care to explain?” James wouldn’t mention the pole there was something’s best left unsaid.

Lauri seemed to stare at James for longer than usual as if trying to determine whether or not this was another of James lies , and Eero was lying dead somehwhere.

Suddenly something hit kimi like a bolt of lightning. Lauri knew, he wouldn’t be so concerned for Eero unless he knew that kimi had reason to attack him. Kimi locked eyes with him and the anger started to re surface.

“you” kimi pointed at him and Lauri stared back with as much intensity, Kimi didn’t scare him. “You knew! You knew all along didn’t you!” Kimi stood and James grabbed his arm.

“Kimi!!! Your brothers been through enough! Stop this!”

“Fuck off!” kimi spat and pushed James off him returning his attention to Lauri “you knew! And you didn’t tell me? My own brother! How could you Lauri! How could you do that to me? How?! You know I love Nico! you knew all along he was screwing that retard!”

the pieces finally fell into place for James, Nico. it always came back to Nico.

Lauri wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. He thought he had cried all his tears yet more seemed to flow.

“I couldn’t hurt you” he chocked bringing his hands back to hair pulling at it trying to stop the blackness from consuming him again. “And I couldn’t let Eero get hurt. Im sorry, im sorry I messed up. I can’t take this anymore, I can’t do it. Please someone please stop this. Make it stop!”

Lauri was grabbing his hair so hard his scalp started to bleed. The sight before him was almost to painful for James to watch, and kimi was stunned into silence . They watched as Niki cradled Lauri and tried to pry his hands away.

“You two really do pick your moments don’t you” . Nikis words where harsh and cutting more than sarcastic which is how the statement should have sounded.

James knew he was missing something again, he knew something wasn’t adding up.

“Niki what’s going on here? What’s happened to him…why did they suddenly let Aki go..”

“What, Aki didn’t tell you? …You mustn’t have as good a relationship with your precious biological son as I thought” Kimi moved away from them both, his gaze fixed on Lauri. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what was coming next.

“Lauri did this to himself…my son tried to kill himself James.” Kimi backed away until his back hit the wall, he didn’t want to hear this. James knees gave way and fell to the floor Niki looked down at him with anger and sorrow “

“And what’s worse your son knew of years of Lauri’s suffering, he’s been cutting for god knows how long” Niki grabbed one of Lauri’s wrists and held it up from James to see, there was years of scars built upon more scars, a morbid pattern of Lauri’s pain etched into his beautiful skin. Kimi felt sick and nauseous

“there are private records from our local hospital and only that bastard Aki knew about it! though. You and I. we fucked up James neither of us noticed. What kind of parents are we? I used to think it was all you…I still don’t know what you did to him to make him hate you so much I wish I knew I wish I remembered.. He wont tell me anything. He won’t talk to me. And someone has been abusing him! I can’t break though James, and he’s slipping away. Were loosing him.”

As Niki spoke his emotions turned to sadness. James took time to register everything Niki had said. Kimi threw up violently, he wanted this to be some kind of nightmare and he desperately wanted to wake up.

 

 


	117. changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauri comes home and kimi gets help . This new year brings a lot of changes.

The news hit both James and kimi hard. Doctors came and administered some drugs to calm lauri and help him sleep. A Psychiatrist eventually arrived and stated that Lauri could not leave the hospital to go home. His mental state was too fragile and they needed to keep him under close supervision.

 

Aki waited for days outside his room patiently hoping he could see him, James eventually paid for a local hotel room where aki slept, then returned first thing to stand outside lauris door every morning. Niki wouldn’t allow him inside, wouldn’t have him anywhere near Lauri. Eero had vanished again. Aki wasn’t to concerned about him. Eero had been pretty nomadic for a long time and he knew how to handle himself. Besides the guy was heartbroken and he needed time to himself.

 

Lauri refused to speak to the psychiatrist. Session after session , she got nowhere, he wouldn’t even look at her. Instead gazing into space his eyes distant his posture defensive and not a word was uttered. Eventually Niki cracked after doctors cut lauris hair in anticipation for moving him to the psychiatric ward they had held him down to do it, he had screamed and cried. He wouldn’t be seen afterwards without a hat. Niki demanded they release lauri so he could go home. The hospital tried everything to make sure Niki couldn’t take him they even tried getting the courts involved.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/a6055aee-5017-466a-9a9f-edcb729c868b.png.html)

 

Christmas had come and gone without any celebrations or festivities. Niki spent Christmas eve, Christmas day and every day after , right through past new years well into January by Lauris side. James was there for Niki to lean on and slowly he was becoming accepted back into the family. Eventually Niki won the case and lauri came home almost two months after first being admitted with appendicitis.

 

Kimi had, had plenty of time to deal with his anger at Lauri for keeping Eero and Nico a secret from him. He also had put Nico far from his mind. He had terrified himself when he grasped that pole, something clicked inside him that day. He was capable of doing something he would regret and he needed to make sure that never happened.

 

So he had gone and met with his new physio a guy called mark arnell who also had trained briefly in cognitive behavioral therapy. Mark had been helping him get ready for the start of the season which was imminent and Lauri had been firm in stating that Kimi didn’t need to sit with him that he should go and get ready to race.

 

Reluctantly Kimi had agreed and mark was also doubling up as his councilor and had devised very effective ways and strategies for kimi to ease out of his anger and to deal with it. Subsequently mark also helped Lauri , by getting him to work out , stating physical exercise would help stimulate the good chemicals in his brain and this would aid in combating his depression, as drugs, which lauri was now on, weren’t effective alone. Mark however didn’t push lauri to talk through his problems instead he solely devised a plan to keep him active because his home life was about to change drastically.

 

When lauri finally walked through the doors after months spent looking at sterile white walls a sudden ease came over him. He collapsed on the couch and Niki handed him the control for the tv. It all seemed so normal at first, almost like the whole thing had never happened. But it had and Niki knew lauri could never be trusted on his own , that someone would always have to be watching him. Things would need to change in their household.

 

The first change was extending an invitation for James to come home.  When Niki asked , James welled up and broke down in tears. He accepted but of course the decision wasn’t able to be made final as James then considered how much he had bonded with Aki and didn’t want to leave him in Helsinki all alone. And it was not an option to bring Aki , as Lauri had made it clear he didn’t want to see him again. It was enough to know that Aki was ok and not in jail, Lauri was content with that however he couldn’t forgive Aki for not keeping his secret. As now it seemed every time niki looked at him he checked his wrists first before meeting his eyes.

 

With a heavy heart James eventually did move back into one of the spare rooms. Aki forced him out telling him to go and get his family back.  James almost couldn’t bear leaving him behind. But Eero had re surfaced and James had let him move in with Aki. It was some comfort at least knowing Aki wouldn’t be all alone.

 

Last anyone heard Nico was back in Germany and had moved into his team mate lewis hamiltons flat. Sebastian was still at home with Mika and David and made frequent visits to the Lauda Hunt home as David was to be kimis McLaren team mate.

 

A slow but strong bond was forming between Sebastian and kimi. The youngster served as kimis comic relief and no one could deny how much the kid made kimi laugh. Sebastian also took his turn watching over lauri if no one else was available and having struck up a good relationship with kimis brother got him even closer to kimi.

 

Especially when Sebastian allowed lauri to trick him into driving him to Helsinki when James, Niki and kimi where all away for talks with McLaren. When they returned Sebastian got an ear full because lauri had a thick black tattoo on his arm, which read ‘DYNASTY’. He had ditched Sebastian once in Helsinki, got the tattoo and found seb in a whimpering panicked state standing exactly where he had left him.

 

Kimi patted Sebastian on the back and whispered ‘good job seb!’ winking at him. No one bothered to ask what the tattoo meant they where all to cross with Sebastian for leaving the house with lauri in the first place. To lauri the tattoo was his silent tribute to them all. His decision to brand the idea of family on his skin , but family was to obvious a word , kimi and himself where Niki and James dynasty and some day he hoped they’d have there own.

 

Lauri’s only alone time was at night when he slept and even then Niki demanded his door be left open at all times and initially Niki removed or locked away anything lauri could use to harm himself with from his room. That included all his guitars because Niki feared he might do something using the strings. Both he and James where thorough with everything. Anything lauri could use was taken out .

 

They even had keys for the kitchen drawers where the knives where , which got frustrating when kimi constantly lost them. Lauri wanted to kick up fuss, he wanted to scream at them to stop the madness. But he didn’t instead he simply lived with it, this was now the way things where and he couldn’t really be mad at them . They where doing it because they feared for him and even though the storm had cleared and he was momentarily happier he knew as well as they did that nothing had been resolved . There was still things he hadn’t said and Niki was still living in the knowledge that someone had been abusing him.

 

Lauri wasn’t ready to tell. He didn’t know if he would ever be. But after awhile things really did start to grate on his nerves. More than anything he wanted his guitars back.

 

They had even removed the piano because it to had strings, lauri had no way to play music and music was his life. He needed it back desperately. In response to having nothing to play He had developed a rather irritating habit of taping his fingers against everything. He couldn’t sit still and would often shake his leg violently out of frustration.

 

Even without the band it didn’t matter he had so much going on in his head, so many melodies and he had to keep humming them like some mental person to stop them disappearing from his brain because he had nothing to play them on.

 

One evening much to his delight kimi gave in and fetched him taking him to the basement (kimi stole the key from nikis study) Kimi could manage to unlock one of the cases and handed Lauri his second favorite guitar, (his precious black one was locked somewhere else and not even kimi knew where it was) it was of course worth breaking his promise to Niki and James to see how Lauri’s face lit up and the lights came on in his eyes. He played and played and sang and wrote and sang some more, kimi slipped out and got his camera he secretly took a picture of Lauri eyes closed fingers moving expertly over the guitar strings, happy and at ease back in his own world, a world of music. He wished Niki and James could see this maybe then they would understand what lauri truly needed, freedom to express himself and someone there to just appreciate him, to love and praise him and see him for what he truly was, a remarkable human being.

 

It was all like a mad rush for Lauri to just get it all out before he had to hand back one of his most prized possessions and pretend to go back to living in his little prison.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/d96f3b89-d9a7-48b3-8b49-4195edc7e213.png.html)

 

Kimi almost couldn’t bare it when lauri handed back the guitar in anticipation of James and Niki returning home. When kimi locked it away again his heart felt heavy. He still had his racing; he still had a future and dreams. What was to become of Lauri’s dreams? Would they be locked away indefinitely like his guitars?

 

When he looked in his brother’s eyes, the lights had died again.


	118. the last Waltz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for late updates everyone! I have been in Finland (broken my foot ) and have had no proper internet access since before christmas :( for those still reading this i plan to update as normal again!
> 
> More drama for the hunt lauda clan!

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/ScreenShot2015-01-10at234136.png.html)

 

 

Niki woke as normal around 4am. As usual the house was silent. He rubbed his eyes and went into the hallway, Lauris room door was open as usual and he stood in the door way glancing over at the bed. There was a curled up lump under the covers, Niki was about to leave when he noticed that the latch on the window was broken. He walked over and checked it, the latches where pretty new and it would take some force for someone to break it. He looked over to the bed, pulling back the sheets there was an array of pillows and no Lauri.

 

Niki darted out into the hallway without bothering to check the bathroom, he didn’t need to check anywhere a broken window latch and no lauri meant he had escaped. Niki reached to the spare room and flung open the door.

 

“James!” he hollered and James woke with  a start as the light was shoved on and his eyes began to sting. Niki threw the sheets off him and grabbed his arm.

 

“Niki what the fuck?!” the room spun a little as James eyes started to adjust.

 

“Lauri is gone! Hes got out! He forced the window in his room open” instantly James woke up, he raced past Niki both clad in nothing but there underwear and darted up the stairs into Lauri’s room. The latch had been systematically chipped away probably for weeks without anyone noticing, Lauri must have been forcing it every night whilst they all slept for quite some time until finally it had given way and he could push his window open.

 

“Smart boy” James mumbled under his breath , after all you cant keep a shadow in a cage. It slips away unnoticed in the cover of darkness, even though its always around it can only be illuminated by the light.

 

Niki had started checking the other rooms just incase, but he knew deep down the search was futile Lauri could be anywhere by now. Finally he threw on some clothes and checked the garage, Kimis car was gone. James dressed and met him outside, the front flood light illuminating there front garden.

 

“he took kimis car can you believe this? Hes broken out and took his brothers car! I knew this would happen! I knew it we didn’t watch him closely enough” James pulled Niki close and Niki didn’t protest.

 

“its alright niki , stop panicking we will find him ,infact I think I know where he has gotten to”

 Niki gazed up at him and James smiled warmly running his hands up and down nikis arms.

 

“its obvious Niki, hes gone off to Helsinki to the boys. I bet any money we drive there now he will be there. He has no where else to go” Niki had to admit sometimes James wasn’t as stupid and oblivious as he seemed.

 

They got into the 4 x 4 and headed for Helsinki. Kimi slept through the entire panic and the rumble of the car pulling away. Until the shrill ringing of the phone somehow pulled him from his slumber. It kept ringing, over and over and wouldn’t stop. Eventually he got up cursing and made his way to niki’s study to the closet handset so he could tell whomever it was to ‘fuck off’.

 

He flicked on the light which hurt his eyes and wondered why the hell Niki or James hadn’t heard the phone, he fumbled with the reviver which fell to the floor as his co ordination was lacking having just woken up.

Finally retrieving the hand set he brought the offending item to his ear and barked.

 

“what!” the voice on the other end laughed instantly and kimi recognized the laughter. Momentarily his blood ran cold and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end.

 

“Hi kimi, nice to hear your voice” it was Nico. Kimi glanced at the clock on the table, it flashed 5.45 am. What the fuck was Nico doing calling at that time?

And what on earth did he want?

 

“I just landed in Helsinki Vantaa, I don’t even know why I called your house it…just happened I guess. mika wont pick up … I was expecting Niki to answer. Ive been here for almost 6 hours all the flights are grounded I can’t get back to Germany…”

 

_Well what  the fuck do you want me to do you asshole!_ Kimi felt like screaming at Nico down the phone. However Mark had been working with him and right now kimi was deploying one of Marks calming techniques without even noticing. He was breathing in and out and concentrating on his breath. Mark had taught him that when you focus on your own breathing you cannot think of anything else. It worked and kimi was somewhat calm again.

 

“call a taxi. Im going back to bed” Kimi stated simply and hung up. He felt a certain amount of satisfaction that he had shown Nico that, gone where the days when he could click his fingers and kimi would jump for him. Those days where over. Nico had almost ruined his life, he initially couldn’t race, didn’t want to eat and continued to have nightmares and suffer from severe insomnia. Now he was a healthy weight, he worked out and kept his mind healthy , he trained hard and was getting excellent results from testing and when he was home he also had  a purpose, he was watching over his brother.

 

The phone rang again and again and again. No one answered then kimi noted how Niki and James rooms where empty and so was lauri’s.

 

“Where the fuck did everyone go…” kimi checked the bathrooms and the kitchen he called out but there was no answer.

 

The phone rang and rang. Kimi was getting frustrated now. he picked up the receiver again in the downstairs hallway.

 

“stop calling this house Rosberg! Fuck off!”

 

This time Nico hung up. Suddenly kimi didn’t feel so satisfied anymore. If he could kick himself he would but he couldn’t help himself. He threw on a coat and jeans and an old pair of puma sneakers, grabbed the first set of keys on the rack in the hallways (without noticing that two of the cars where already missing) and drove off in the direction of Helsinki Vantaa airport.

 

Kimi half parked the car and ignored the other driver behind him who was swearing at him and shaking his fist saying “fucking lunatic cant even park straight!” kimi smirked some people obviously still didn’t recognize him.

 

He wandered over to the arrivals area but couldn’t spot Nico. He glanced up at the list of planes but he couldn’t catch any hint of what flights had landed a few hours ago, he assumed they must now have been cleared off the board.

 

“fucking Rosberg! Fucking nico” kimi said through gritted teeth. There was light tap on his shoulder and a familiar voice said

 

“stop cursing my name, it’s not very nice” kimi spun round and so many emotions hit him again. They really had to stop meeting like this. Nico looked thin and pale, he seemed tired had one bag slung over his shoulder and his hair tucked away under a beanie hat.

 

Kimi composed himself as best he could. He didn’t want all those emotions back again. He was just here to drive nico home , that was it.

 

“cars outside” kimi said in his usual monotone and started walking away. Nico’s mouth fell open slightly as if he was going to say something but didn’t. Instead he followed kimi in silence , he didn’t even deserve kimi coming to help him, he wasn’t going to push his luck.

 

Once outside Nico looked round and kimi was gone then he heard the beeping of a car horn and spotted Niki’s Ferrari. Kimi watched through the wind screen taking another deep breath as Nico walked towards the car. He was so fucking beautiful, kimi was still so hung up on him and the desire was re surfacing. But it was marred forever by the same old thoughts that plagued him and kept him awake at night, Nico had slept with another man and he had told kimi he loved him. But they weren’t together , kimi knew Eero was in Helsinki with Aki.

 

Kimi averted his gaze when Nico opened the passenger door and slid in beside him. The engine roared into life and Nicos back hit the seat as kimi sped off.

 

There was a certain thrill to being in a car with a proper formula 1 driver. Nico gazed out the window as the trees sped by , there was a silence between them.

 

Kimi occasionally glanced over at him, fifteen minutes or so into the journey he noticed Nico clutching his stomach and occasionally his face would contort into a pained look. Kimi told himself he wasn’t going to ask what was wrong, Nico might just be trying to get his attention. Another ten minutes past and Nico was still holding himself and he was deathly pale.

 

Kimi pulled over onto some gravel by the road side , it was early morning and not many cars where passing it was till pitch black out. Finland didn’t get much sunlight in the winter months.

 

“Right what’s wrong with you,” kimi barked , Nico looked over  a little shocked , he didn’t even know kimi had been looking at him and he had just began to get used to the eerie silence.

 

“I’m fine, just had a little flight sickness.” Kimi looked him over, he didn’t look well at all.

 

“don’t throw up in this car.” Nico smiled at that, kimi and his cars. He had always loved them and Niki had never allowed him to drive the Ferrari not until he had turned 21.

 

“I wont, I promise” Nico reassured him. Kimi was going to re start the ignition but thought better of it. Nico was going to throw up at some point and kimi didn’t want to take the chance.

 

He opened the door leaning across Nico to do so

 

“get out” Nico looked at him hurt and confused, surely kimi wasn’t just going to leave him there? It was dark and freezing and nico had purposely kept quiet so as not to annoy kimi.

 

“what?” Nico asked shocked.

 

“get out, god am I speaking Spanish!” Nico understood Spanish it wasn’t the language kimi was speaking that was the problem.

 

He hung his head grabbed his bag and got out of the car.

 

“why are you taking that?” kimi grabbed his bag back and slung it into the passenger seat, now Nico really was confused.

 

“why are you telling me to get out of the car exactly?” he asked bewildered.

 

“you look like you need some air. Ill wait here” kimi pulled the door closed leaving Nico standing out in the brisk night air , wondering when he had forgotten how cryptic kimi could be at times. The thought brought a fond smile to his face and he walked towards the barrier looking down at the city. The air was helping a little. Until the sick feeling came back kimi watched him double over clutching his stomach, instantly he got out of the car and was by Nicos side . Nico threw up over and over again and kimi rubbed his back soothingly.

 

“sorry” Nico mumbled when he was sure there was no more sickness to come. He wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his jacket, neither of them had any tissues or water.  Kimi led him back to the car and helped him get inside he even did nicos seat belt for him.

 

Kimi ignited the engine and drove much slower now. Nicos head fell against the cool window and within seconds he was asleep. Kimi pulled his hat off his head keeping one hand on the wheel, nicos gorgeous blonde hair fell round his face in sweaty tufts once the hat was gone. Kimi touched it lightly and tucked some strands behind Nicos ear.

 

When the turn off for Mikas house appeared in his headlights he drove past it and instead followed the path leading home.

 

 

 

 


	119. Stings like a rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> life in Helsinki goes on for Aki and his new room mate Eero. but they both are dealing with there loses in very different ways....

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/aki2.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/eero12.png.html)

 

The frost was stilling outside as Eero woke. As usual he found Aki making a mess in the kitchen , pots and pans clattering and utensils strewn all over the once clean marble units units. Eero was the  organized one, Aki was chaos. They often drove each other crazy , it was bad enough on the tour bus being in such a confined space with one another. But living together was sometimes even more of a nightmare. Aki’s disorganization and constant mess was fucking with Eeros zen.

 

He couldn’t even meditate properly in the morning anymore because Aki would be playing drums in the living room, screaming at the tv if the ice hickey was on (and Finland wasn’t winning) or he could be found playing his music as loud as it would go, whilst playing video games!.

 

That morning however, was oddly quiet by Hakala standards. And Aki never usually cooked. Something was odd about this.

 

“ugh…what are you doing?” Eero gazed over his shoulder and saw a tone of chocolate and vanilla spread everywhere, then he spied what looked like brownies and then it hit him. Pauli.

 

Aki elbowed him in the stomach so he would move back and let him continue to patter around the kitchen.

 

“Pauli is visiting! We are making hash brownies! Gonna tank some beers and then enjoy a bad case of the munchies! I stalked up on fast food! Woo!!” Eero rolled his eyes.

 

“Brilliant , just brilliant. Well if you need me ill be in my room praying to the higher powers that one or both of you have the runs for the rest of your miserable existence”  Aki laughed and patted Eeros back affectionately.

 

“Don’t be an antisocial fuck tard! And come and join us, your no fun anymore Eero! Lighten up”

 

Eero looked a little dejected “aki you know I can’t drink anymore…its not any fun for me watching you both get wasted , stoned and unable to remember your own names”

 

Aki often forgot Eeros previous struggles with alcohol, every time he was reminded it felt like a kick in the gut. It had taken a lot out of Eero to go to therapy.

 

“im sorry man, you know my memory is like a siv . I didn’t mean it like that….just don’t lock yourself away. Come have fun with us you don’t have to drink”

 

There was good intentions in Aki’s offer, but Eero just wasn’t feeling it. He would much rather sit in his room (previously James room) and watch some bad Finnish sitcom or a badly dubbed American film.

 

“ill say hi to Pauli when he arrives then I think ill pass on the party. Thanx for the offer though”

 

A few hours later Eero could still hear the bellowing laughter of his two friends. It brought the slightest hint of a smile to his face. They seemed to be having fun, and from the strong smell of hash emanating from the living area Eero suspected it would be a looong night. He didn’t look foreword to playing nurse in the morning, nor was he excited about cleaning there mess, the very thought of what he might walk into made him shudder . He hoped Aki wouldn’t throw up everywhere like the last time he had decided to drink and smoke in the flat.

 

The happier they got the more miserable Eero became. He was so lonely and yet his two best friends where just across the other side of his door. He was still nursing a Brocken heart. To the outside world he must have seemed strong , inside he was breaking. And Aki’s earlier misguided offer for them ‘all’ to get wasted and stoned was so very tempting. Eeros cravings for alcohol had lessened but there where times he wanted nothing more than to drown himself in another bottle of vodka. Now he wanted that more than ever just to erase Nicos face from his mind.

 

He gazed out his window down onto the street, countless people passed. Couples , families, roudy teenagers. He watched them for what seemed like hours and sitting there he must have fallen asleep his head resting against the cool window pain. A thudding woke him , it was still dark out and Pauli and Aki where still making noise, they had put on some kind of video game and Eero could here the . pew pew pew noises of the guns they where firing.

 

 The thudding continued and then he realized someone was pelting stones at his window. He looked out and at first couldn’t find the source then he looked directly down and his heavy heart seemed lighter almost instantly as he spotted a familiar figure all dressed in black with raven hair tucked under a black beanie hat and bright green eyes staring up and waving at him animatedly.

 

Eero snuck past the two stoned individuals in the living room with ease. They didn’t even register when the door slammed shut. Eero took the stairs two by two and burst out of the building to greet Lauri who fell into his arms. Eero being taller was able to rest his chin ontop of Lauri’s head.

 

“what are you doing here bird brain!” Eero couldn’t hide his joy. He hadn’t seen Lauri since they had spoke at the hospital. Things where to complicated at his house and Eero still feared kimi and hadn’t been able to visit , he knew nothing of Lauris life after the hospital.

 

“I kind of escaped. I shouldn’t even be here but I cant stand that house any longer! They have padded stuff taped to the fucking door handles! Like im some child!...they took my guitars away Eero, they took everything….i cant handle it anymore”

 

The last part made Eero feel so deeply sorry for Lauri.

 

“why? what’s happened? I thought you where happier at home. The hospital was driving you mad at least that’s what James told Aki”

 

Lauri nuzzled closer to Eero who was still holding him.

 

“They are frightened ill hurt myself , they locked away the kitchen cupboards. Took away the guitars because of the strings . If I have to fucking piss someone waits outside the bathroom door and if I take to long in the shower or having a fucking shit they can come in and see what im doing! Im living in hell Eero. Maybe the hospital was better!”

 

Eero was pretty shocked by what he was hearing. It sounded like they where all living on egg shells. Lauri’s mind and energy for once seemed calm. Eero didn’t feel any sense of anxiety or mania no anger but he felt Lauris pain stronger than ever.

 

Lauri was, it seemed, in one of his ok phases. For now everything was calm in his world , except for the constant eyes watching him. Eero feared if they didn’t cool off they may push Lauri over the edge in a different way. He had already run away , proof that he was slowly suffocating because he was now standing there in Eeros arms when he shouldn’t be.

 

When Lauri finally pulled away he looked up at Eero and smiled.

 

“hows Hakala? You smell like pauli and his hash brownies by the way. So I take it there up there smoking and playing galaga?”  Eero nodded and they both laughed.

 

“Some things never change” Lauri added. Suddenly Eero looked sad and Lauri frowned.

 

“What? What is it? what’s wrong? Did I say something..” Eero clasped Lauris shoulder and shook his head.

 

“You know I often think back to the good days of the band. The four carefree kids, sneaking off to play shows. Pretending for a minute that we didn’t have a care in the world. I miss those kids, I miss those times. Sure I was a drunk and ended up in re hab but from what I remember we had it good. I have been living every day as it comes and you know I don’t wallow in the past but I wish I could go back just for one day. Play one more show, stand there next to you one last time, on front of a sea of people screaming your name. Its where you where meant to be Lauri . you come alive on stage.”

 

Lauri wished he could go back to. Go back to the first time the abuse had happened and stop it. So that his smile and his carefree comedic nature would have been real instead of a mask he put on for the world. Playing the clown , doing stupid things just to get kimi to laugh or niki to notice him or James to scold him because it was the only way of getting anything from James. The band had never known, didn’t see it. They had no idea. The little blonde bomb shell that fronted Finland’s newest hit band was no more than a well put together image. If the band re emerged now who would know him? Who would recognize him? The blonde hair was long gone as was the white vest tops and baggy trousers. He was darker now, they all where.

 

“Walk with me? I need to get some things off my chest. I need to open up to someone. Im ready to talk if you will listen?”

 

No matter how traumatic Lauri’s words where going to be ,Eero was never going to refuse to be there for him. Especially, if Lauri was ready finally to talk about the past.

 

And so two childhood friends disappeared into the remnants of a dark cold Helsinki evening.


	120. 10 black rose's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauri opens up to Eero about his abuse, his mother and james....

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/helsinki-harbour-night-finland_094347.jpg.html)

 

Eero and Lauri walked to the shoreline. The sun was rising into a crimson sky And they watched one of the large cruise ships docking as passengers scuttled off it. The ship was huge and the lights dancing on the calm waters where mesmerizing. Eero watched the lights reflect in lauri’s eyes.

 

Lauri took a deep breath and Eero knew it was time. Lauri finally was going to let it out. There was no one else around and everything was calm. Both there cheeks tinged with redness from the cold air.

 

And so Lauri began.

 

“She used to sing to me, my mother. I would sit on her knee and she would play the piano for me. Take my little hands in her own and help me press down the keys. She was always so colorful , but she wore black feathers in her hair”

 

Eero noted how happy and nostalgic lauri had suddenly become when he spoke of his mother. His demeanor changed, his face lit up and his colors seemed brighter and less muted.

 

“She loved black roses. I remember our house was always filled with these black roses.  She had the most wonderful smile. I don’t remember my father, there was a man and he was there sometimes but I can’t see his face I don’t remember his voice. But I remember that she must have loved him dearly because she sang songs for him and when that man was there he used to hold her close with me in her arms and I remember feeling so safe. Sometimes I think there was other children, but my memory is fading and I can no longer tell what’s real and what’s just my imagination. Maybe even she is my imagination…someone I dreamed up…sometimes I question how I could ever prove that she was actually real”

 

Eero didn’t interrupt, he moved ever so marginally closer to Lauri just to provide him with some sense of reassurance. He never doubted for one moment that Lauri remembered his mother. Everything he said was so vivid and so full of detail, of course she had been real, and she had obviously adored her son.

 

“Anyway, there dead. They died when I was like four years old, maybe five I don’t know. And then of course you know the rest. I told you before about my grandparents, and how grandpa died and Granma left me and then the orphanage. But I left something out, you can’t tell anyone this Eero. Promise me and don’t ever betray me like Aki did, I couldn’t stand it”

 

Eero wrapped an arm around his young friend; he wanted to say Aki hadn’t betrayed him. But if he did Lauri wouldn’t tell him anything more and would shut off, so instead he looked Lauri deep in the eyes and said

 

“You know you can trust me lau” Lauri knew deep down that Eero would never promise , because if Eero felt Niki needed to know this in order to help Lauri, he would tell him, at least Lauri knew that only Niki would possibly get the information and that Eero wasn’t the kind of person to ever pass this kind of secret onto anyone else . Regardless Lauri needed to get it off his chest. He could no longer stand keeping it all inside.

 

“One of the patrons used to be in charge of the boys.” Lauri swallowed hard and he started to recoil but Eero held him close and rubbed his back to comfort him

 

“ he would Make sure we washed up before bed. One night he just pulled me aside, it was dark and I didn’t know what was going on…” lauri started to tremble and tears slipped down his cheeks. Eero didn’t want to hear the details, he didn’t think he could bare it. But he would endure whatever lauri had to say.

 

“I remember his voice, and I can sometimes still feel a hand holding me down at night pressing my face into the pillow to muffle my screams…” lauri leaned onto the peer railings for support and rested his forehead on his arms for a long moment he just cried. Eero leaned over him rubbing his back and arms and kissing the back of his neck.

 

It was devastating. Eero for once had no idea what he was supposed to do or how he could help. Then Lauri’s weak muffled voice continued.

 

“The details don’t matter. I don’t have the strength or the words to say it. He touched me and made me do things. There’s nothing more to say.”

 

Eero nodded, Lauri didn’t need to give details Eeros mind was already marred with horrible vision of what his friend must have endured.

 

“ Then Niki came and I thought id been rescued. It wasn’t the family I dreamed of. As soon as Niki started to leave for business trips everything changed.”

 

Eero noted how Lauri’s shoulders stiffened and he became defensive and angry within an instant.

 

 

“I remember James walking down the street with kimi holding his hand and when I would rush forward to grab his other hand he’d make a fist so I couldn’t. And when kimi had karting practice James would leave me home alone , I was barely nine or ten years old and he’d say “now lauri , don’t touch anything. Stay in your room and if you get hungry there’s ice cream in the fridge. And remember don’t tell Isa Niki” then he’d lock me in and id watch the car drive away and kimi would look at me through the back wind screen with as much questions on his mind as I had. But neither of us ever told Niki. He used to forget I was even home and make dinner for himself and kimi and leave me hungry. He never bathed me or dressed me or read to me, when Niki wasn’t around. And when he was everything felt faked and all for show. He never once said he loved me, and I can count on one hand the number of times it ever seemed to me like he cared. He saved my life once, it’s the best memory I have of him. Sometimes I look back and think if it was even the same man. How could someone who would one day put themselves between their child and a vicious wild animal refuse to hold that child’s hand the next day? Everything was about kimi; even Niki couldn’t help putting kimis needs before mine. But I always felt loved with Niki there. He would dress me even when I could do it myself carry me, even when I got to heavy, sit with me as we watched TV . Or lay with me when I had a nightmare”

 

Lauri couldn’t help the smile that came to his face when he recalled memories of Niki. However his smile was fleeting and soon was replaced with that familiar frown.

 

 

“But I just couldn’t make either of them see me the way I needed them to. They where towering over me , raising a child who suited them both so well and it seemed everything in there lives started to crumble after they brought me home. Kimi would be so much better off now if they hadn’t brought me into his life. One day Niki left a razor on the bathroom shelf …I brought to my wrist and when I dragged it across the pain was so intense that my mind suddenly stopped sending all the awful thoughts and it just concentrated on the pain. But I knew they’d notice eventually so I started cutting my legs instead. they where so torn up I moved to my collar bone . But it always felt better on my arms. I would wear wrist bands to hide the scars. Because they never paid attention they didn’t notice , and I only ever cut deeply when I was with Aki because i knew he would take me to the emergency room. And i knew they’d stitch me up and couldn’t tell Niki or James. There was a confidentiality thing and they couldn’t break it. I stopped after awhile, when we where on tour and things where good and there was other detractions like drink , paulis drugs and girls. Niki saw my wrists when kimi was in hospital after what aki did. It was the first time he ever noticed. Can you believe that? I’ve been doing it since I was twelve and they never once questioned me. I could tell them it was an ice hockey scar or id fallen in some sharp bushes or been in a fight or fallen over and they fucking bought it! Every single time. And kimi…well to be honest kimi is too dumb to know what was happening. He saw me naked the most, I mean of course were brothers it wasn’t unusual, but he never even asked …I might as well have been invisible”

 

Lauri looked side ways Eeros face was resting on his shoulder mere inches from his own, there was tears drying on his cheeks but he had been silent throughout and just let Lauri talk .

 

“Sorry …are you ok?” Lauri felt Eeros warm breath against his frozen ear lobe.

 

Eero couldn’t believe that Lauri was actually inquiring into whether he was ‘ok’ , especially after what lauri had just told him.

 

“Lau don’t you dare concern yourself with me. I’m glad you told me all this. I hope in some way its helped you. Has it? Do you feel any better? Im always here for you , you know that right? Is there anything I can do, anything at all?”

 

Lauri turned his head so there cheeks where pressed together.

 

“your here and you listened, that’s all I needed. That’s enough. And I feel a little better now”

 

Eero kissed his ear tenderly. “ I am always here for you Lauri never forget that. All you every have to do is call or come find me . do you want to come back to the flat with me? I can make you something to eat and you can have my room to rest , ill call Niki and James for you , don’t worry about anything I can sort it all, or shall I take you home?” he whispered gently in Lauri’s ear.

 

“Take me back with you, I want to see aki and pauli. I want the rasmus back. I’m ready to sing again and I know exactly what I want to say to the world”

 

Back at the flat James car pulled up outside the apartment complex. James let himself in and he and niki raced up the stairs. James still had keys just incase he needed to move back, if Niki kicked him out again. , pauli was raiding the fridge and aki was slumped on the couch, stoned , drunk and feeling rather sick. The place was trashed. Niki and James quickly searched the rooms; they would deal with the mess later. Eero was of course nowhere to be found. They headed back outside to look for him and lauri.

 

 

 

 

 


	121. Time to face the music

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someones about to re enter back into Kimis life as someone else prepares to leave it.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/44c2b5d59a2442efb3ab5883c49eb338.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202014-05-18%20at%2009.07.44.png.html)

 

Nicos face was deathly pale but he seemed so peaceful , kimi didn’t want to wake him so he pulled into the driveway slowly avoiding making the tires screech along the gravel.

 

As the car came to a steady halt, possibly the slowest he had ever parked a car, Nico stirred but didn’t wake. Kimi got out and opened the passenger door gently pulling Nico into his arms and kicking the car door closed, forgetting that it was niki’s precious vintage Ferrari and he would be slaughtered if he damaged it.

 

Nico was delightfully light and he felt good in Kimi’s arms almost like he was supposed to be there, but Kimi didn’t pat that thought to much attention.

 

He carried Nico in to the house via the back door , which was always usually left open. They lived in a quite isolated spot far from the city and the media in Finland where not intrusive so Niki never feared anyone breaking in. kimi enjoyed his freedom here, the sobering thought that this place had now become a prison for his younger brother hit him once again and he held nico’s body closer as if seeking some comfort from the still warmth in his arms. Nico slept the entire time and didn’t wake when kimi placed him on the couch and arranged pillows under his head , covered him with the blanket from his own bed.

 

Kimi sat in James chair and for a moment he just watched Nico. Transfixed by his steady breathing, the color steadily returning to his face. Kimi had sworn he would never again help this man, had sworn that nicos betrayal was the end of there relationship. Yet here he was, rescuing him once again, caring for him and tending to him as always. The cycle never seemed to break. Except this time kimi had chosen to help, Nico didn’t manipulate him all Nico had done was phone the only people he thought might help him. Anyone could have answered the call, it just so happened that kimi was the only one home.

 

Kimis thoughts drifted back to his family, where were they? Had they made some kind of plans and he had slept in? Why wouldn’t they leave a note ? And why was his car gone? Kimi was puzzled to say the least, but he was distracted once more as nicos eyelashes fluttered and he sighed in his sleep.

 

Lauri quickly darted behind Eero, the gesture making his friend almost jump out of his own skin and Eero was not the skittish type. James and Niki where walking towards them. But it was to late Niki had spotted him.

 

“Lauri!” the roar made lauri quiver, Eero stopped walking and urged lauri to stand next to him. Niki was furious and James was holding his hands up gesturing for lauri to just ‘surrender’ and not argue.

 

Niki had never been this angry with him, Lauri knew he had crossed the line this time, in fact he suspected he had jumped so far over the line that Niki was going to physically hit him. He didn’t.

 

Instead he screamed at him and lauri cowered , Eero remained calm and held his arm so he couldn’t run.

 

“What the hell do you think you are playing at young man?! Breaking out in the middle of the night , damaging the window, no note saying where you are or when you would be back!, stealing your brothers car!! Explain yourself because honestly lauri I really am at the end of my rope with you!”

 

Lauri tried to speak but couldn’t, everything came out wrong and mumbled and for a moment he felt a lot of sympathy with kimi.

 

“What was that?! I can’t hear you!” Niki was scarring him, and he hadn’t felt this intimidated since the orphanage. Lauri couldn’t hold it in any longer he broke down , tears flooding from his eyes. Niki could no longer feel any compassion for Lauri’s tears he was to angry and had , had enough he took a breath and gestured to James car saying through gritted teeth

 

“Get in the car, now” Lauri pulled his arm from Eero and made to walk to the car , shaking through his tears and attempts to control his breathing. Eero moved foreword and stopped him , if looks could kill Niki would have murdered the young man right there on the spot. But Eero was above such intimidation, he could see that Niki was just consumed by anger and that if given time the moment would pass and they could all have a rational conversation about this.

 

Eero instantly noted how stand off ish James was and how distant he seemed when it came to Lauri, the disconnect Lauri had described from his childhood was completely apparent in how James had neglected to interrupt and defend his son.

 

Contrastingly to how Lauri had described things, Eero saw there relationship differently. Eero suspected a major factor which had contributed to James inability to connect with Lauri was actually Niki.

 

It was clear that Niki adored Lauri, so much so that this situation had made him so upset. Eero instantly noted how James aired a strong aura of jealousy. James was jealous of Lauri . jealous of how passionate his lover was about there son , and how he got instantly forgotten when it came to lauri the son they hadn’t adopted together , because in fact Eero knew courtesy of Aki that James truly never wanted a second child and had only done it for Niki. Because of course by that point James was hiding two biological children back in England.

 

Eero wasn’t about to let James , who had just been allowed back into the family home, diminish responsibility for Lauri.

 

“Let’s just calm down. I don’t think it’s a good idea for anyone to be going anywhere in this state. For one your far to angry to drive, Lauri is to upset to go home and you” James seemed to wake out of a trance when Eero addressed him.

 

“you haven’t spoken two words the entire time , and your son is in pieces . Your partner is also very upset, why don’t you contribute instead of just standing there?”

 

Niki was about to argue viciously with this incredibly obnoxious individual who thought they had a say in this situation but when Eero addressed James and identified the fact that he had indeed said nothing nor supported either of them, Niki turned his attention away from the two youths and glared at James.

 

James looked away ashamed , it was apparent to Eero that this man had major issues with his relationships. Instead of allowing things to escalate further Eero suggested a momentary truce.

 

“Why don’t we go up to the flat?. Everyone can calm down and we can talk about this. Mr. Lauda Lauri has a lot he has to say to you , if he’s ready I think it’s time you both really talked to one another . And James, maybe you might even want to contribute”

 

Eero didn’t give them much of a choice as he wrapped his arm around lauri and steered him in the direction of the apartment complex. Niki shook his head at James disgusted and followed them , James knew once again he had managed to mess up. He took a deep breath and made a conscious decision to actively support lauri because it was time he accepted his responsibility to their younger son.

 

As Eero let lauri in the first thing that hit them both was the potent smell of marijuana , sick and alcohol. Pauli was passed out on the floor amongst a sea of bottles , beer cans , popcorn and various other food scatterings. Lauri’s tears stopped falling as he gazed round in slight shock and amusement. He hadn’t seen a room this bad since the hotel rooms they used to trash on tour. The slight smile forming on his face fell instantly as he spotted a sobbing, thin and drugged looking aki emerge from the bathroom mumbling

 

“He left me, why did he have to leave me? Why?” it didn’t take a rocket scientist to establish that aki was talking about him.

Then there eyes met, Aki didn’t have his glasses on and lauri appeared slightly like a tear glazed blurry mirage, he instantly thought it was the drugs and that he was hallucinating. This made him sob harder and lauri watched as he fell to his knees clutching his stomach another round of sick burning his already charred throat and he mumbled again

 

“Get out of my head! Please, please just leave me alone…please” Eero dragged lauri away and into his bedroom where he made lauri sit on the bed and assured him that aki would be ok before closing out the door and attempting to pull aki of the floor. Lauri didn’t need to see this, Then Niki and James entered and Niki instantly felt nauseous, James caught sight of Eero struggling with aki and his paternal instincts finally kicked in , Niki watched him rush over to help Eero.

 

“What the hell is this and what the fuck have they been doing?” Eero shrugged defeated, the last he had seen them both they ha been merrily playing video games obviously things had gone down hill badly.

 

They managed to get aki into his bedroom and comfortable before leaving him. Lauri emerged sheepishly form Eeros room.

 

“is he ok?” lauri asked his voice cracking slightly. Eero nodded and gestured for them all to sit at the breakfast bar in the kitchen to avoid the mess of the living room.

 

Niki had calmed slightly but lauri was still visibly upset, even more so now that he had seen the state aki was in.

 

Eero allowed the moment of silence so that the tensions could settle, before he began to act as mediator.

 

“ok , I think maybe James should go first. Anything you want to say?”

 

James didn’t look at either him or Niki , instead to Eeros delight he took Lauri’s hands in his own and addressed his son directly  for the first time that evening.

 

“Lauri, I know things are hard. I can’t imagine how it feels to be you right now. I think, and I hope your father wont be to hurt by me saying this” James was suddenly aware of Niki’s eyes on him but he continued “I think we have been to  hard on you, and deep down I think I knew you would eventually do something like this. To get away, to escape. If you come home we can change things, right niki?”

 

James looked at him finally and nikis eyes where softer, he nodded gently.

 

“we can…try and work out something different. But , what you’ve done isn’t acceptable Lauri , you stole from your brother and you damaged the house. Do you understand why I am so mad at you?”

 

Lauri nodded and muttered “im sorry isa” every time Niki heard him say that word his heart melted. He placed his hand over James on top of Lauri’s.

 

“What do you want to tell us son?” Nikis voice was suddenly softer and back to his usual tone , Lauri glanced sideways at Eero who nodded at him encouragingly.

It was time, Lauri had to finally open up and tell Niki the truth about his experience at the orphanage and his experience when left alone with James. And James had to hear how deeply he had damaged there son. Most importantly Lauri had to tell them that he had decided to leave again, and at 23 years old there was nothing they could do to stop him. They would have to let go.

 

Meanwhile unknown to everyone Nico was sleeping soundly on the couch at the hunt Lauda home and kimi had started to worry about how he was going to explain that to his fathers who he suspected would not be happy at all, and lauri certainly would not want to set eyes on Nico after everything that had happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	122. Tear Catcher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Niki forgive James this final blow to there relationship? will Lauri come home?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/996167_116779468531207_719336773_n.jpg.html)

 

Lauri never began by talking about his mother, as he had done at the peer with Eero. Instead through fits of tears he told of his abuser and what he had suffered. Quickly Niki had Brocken down, he was no longer sitting idly across from his son, instead he was cradling him in his arms both distraught, both in pain and neither with any proper solutions. James heart at first felt heavy then he swore at some point it stopped and he died a little inside, the guilt he felt was immense he couldn’t take the years back he couldn’t rewind the clock and he had never considered what Lauri’s past might have been like, he never loved him the way he should.

 

Eero felt everything, it was overwhelming and all the emotions and colors emanating from the individuals in the room where drowning him. But James was black, everything about him was grey and black and muted. He didn’t even seem alive anymore. Silent tears fell like fountains that wouldn’t stop flowing down his cheeks. But Lauri had more to tell.

 

He sobbed into Nikis chest, beginning pleading him not to send James away again after what he had to say about him. Lauri wanted Niki to remain happy and supported and he had that again now that James was back in his life and lauri didn’t want to ruin it, also kimi needed James.

 

Niki didn’t respond. He couldn’t prepare himself for the next blow his and James relationship was about to receive. As lauri described nights going hungry, a man who wouldn’t hold is hand, a man who left him alone and confused as he watched through a window , a car driving away carrying his new brother off,  far from his reach .  The pain in Lauri’s voice struck Eero even deeper this time , at the peer lauri was angry but now faced with telling his story on front of James he was in pain and deeply saddened there was a longing there , a longing for this other parent to love him , lauri just wanted James love.

 

James didn’t deny anything lauri had to say, it was all true and the boy hadn’t fabricated anything or made things sound worse in fact he hadn’t even told Niki the half of it , in some way saving James. James knew he didn’t deserve it , didn’t deserve for things to be watered down or skimmed over . But to lauri ever minor detail didn’t matter , it was how it made him feel that mattered and when he ended with the words

 

“I only ever wanted to make you see me, like you see kimi”

 

James wanted to die. He had never in his life felt he had wronged someone more than he had wronged this child. Not even what he had put Niki and kimi through compared to this. Niki couldn’t look his way so James couldn’t tell what he was feeling. But Eero could, Eero could feel a coldness in the air where as before it had been filled with a searing warmth as the emotion rose to higher depths, now that things had come to an end and lauri was exhausted and limp in Nikis arms the room was cold, and they where all slightly shivering. Despite the fact that actually it was comfortable inside the apartment. The shivering sensations Eero knew where the last release of tension, the last bit of pain leaving the body . And it was Niki causing it, he had all the answers he needed and now he was able to let the desperate need to figure Lauri’s puzzle out and connect the pieces go. It was over, the last secrets of there family where out in the open.

 

Lauri spoke again, this time without pain, or sorrow or anger

 

“I can’t come home, leave me here. If you love me you’ll understand. I have to do this, I have to find myself again.”

 

Lauri pulled himself away from Niki and stood averting his gaze fresh tears filling his eyes , Eero saw he had stopped shivering, lauri to had let go and all that was left was to say goodbye, and ironically after everything that had just been said lauri found these words the hardest

 

“I’m leaving Isa, I’m leaving with the band, I’m so sorry ..for everything I love you I swear, say goodbye to kimi for me tell him I love him , always”

 

With that lauri turned and quickly fled the room and out of the apartment Eero stopped Niki and James from following him.

 

“Let him go, I think now you both realize that you have to. Ill look after him I swear it. He will be ok , go home to kimi. He needs you also. “

 

The look on Nikis face almost broke Eero, as strong and as level headed as Eero was he felt people’s pain as his own . Niki couldn’t bear loosing his son, and James was now unable to comfort him because once again James was the villain and even Eero couldn’t tell what would become of there relationship now.

 

“Mr Lauda, you’ll never loose him. He will always be your son” Eero placed his hand on Nikis shoulder reassuringly but felt he had to do more, he had to give Niki something more to hold onto , a proper goodbye. He would find lauri and bring him home the next day and encourage him to properly say farewell to kimi and Niki and even James so that this parting wouldn’t be such a painful one.

 

“Ill talk with him and bring him home tomorrow to collect some of his things, you can all say goodbye properly. It’s not forever, he will be back before you know it and maybe he might even be a different man”

 

Niki had enough strength left to thank Eero before he left in silence. The cold air burned his cheeks and through his scared eyelids he was able to look up into the night sky, the stars where twinkling brightly and there was a brilliant full moon.

When he looked round the street was deadly quiet and lauri was nowhere to be seen.

 

James stood motionless behind him; Niki didn’t want to discuss it. Didn’t want to imagine how Lauri had suffered when he was away from home and had trusted James to care for ‘both’ of their sons. He felt more betrayed than ever, and again questioned whether or not he truly knew the man he had spent more than half his life loving. He had one final question for James and his answer would determine whether or not Niki was allowing him to come home or calling it quits forever.

 

Niki breathed in the air deeply, at least tomorrow he would see Lauri again, and tomorrow he would make sure lauri left knowing he was adored and loved and that he always had a place to come back to, a place to call home.


	123. How to solve a problem like nico?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> will james and niki reconcile? whats going to happen when niki finds a very unwelcome guest in there home?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_lsm49p0vRR1qgv0a5o1_500_1.jpg.html)

“Look me in the eyes James” James brought his gaze to meet niki’s

 

He watched Niki take a deep breath and readied himself for the fight, but there wasn’t going to be one, instead Niki spoke calmly, to calmly for James liking.

 

“Is there anything more I should know Hunt” Niki was staring right into his eyes and for a moment James feared he could see his soul. James knew that now , he had no more to hide the last skeleton had been let loose from his closet. It was over , the secrets where done , Niki knew everything now and James felt a slight satisfaction in that , he was finally free from his web of deceit and lies he felt relief and he knew his answer was one of the most honest things he had said in a long time

 

“There is nothing more Niki” James saw instantly that Niki believed him, but he had a question of his own he needed answered.

 

“Niki” James hesitated , it had been so difficult coming home , sleeping in the spare room , avoiding one another , the awkward silences. James was aware that this was the worst time to ask , but it also ironically felt right to do so. For him this was it, everything was out now and if it was over between them , James was finally ready to let go , he had done to much and he had finally realized that if Niki was better off without him then he had to put aside his own selfishness and accept that.

 

“Is there any chance left for us? Do you still love me?”

 

Niki wasn’t ready to answer that, because he didn’t have the right words anymore. The simple answer would have been, yes he loved James but was there really a chance left for them? Currently they where like two strangers living under one roof. Niki knew James hidden meaning behind those words , what he was actually asking was ‘will we ever get back together?’.

 

Niki decided the ball was in James court now, he was tired and had enough.

 

“Im going home, I cant answer your questions James so if that means this is goodbye then I suggest we get it over with. This is it hunt , we either end this here and now or we go home, but I wont ever have this conversation again this is it I’m done, im leaving the choice to you. If its over then I don’t ever want to see or here from you again. ever”

 

James held back his tears , he didn’t want it to be over. But he could no longer stand living like a stranger in his own home.

 

Lauri heard and watched the entire thing from one of the ally ways. Inside he was willing James to shut up and just go home with Niki. He didn’t want it to be the end for them, this was a chance for a total fresh start and he wished they could see that.

 

Silently James hung his head and started to walk away, in that instant Nikis world once again fell apart, but before he could shed even one tear James turned back to him and said

 

“I guess im driving kimis car home then?” and James disappeared into the drivers seat. The fact that Niki felt an immense joy and relief told him that everything would someone how be ok and that deep down he truly did want James to come home. Niki smiled as he climbed into James 4 by 4 and followed the silver Mercedes back to the house. Neither of them registering lauri as he walked out of the ally and stood there watching the two cars disappear into the night.

 

Kimi jumped as he heard the screeching of two sets of tires across the gravel. He wasn’t prepared for this. He hated conflict and already his tongue felt heavy in his mouth and he knew he would be unable to speak. Nico was still sleeping , but he wouldn’t be for long if Niki started shouting or lauri decided to throw a tantrum. Little did kimi know that lauri, wasn’t coming home.

 

Kimi saw Niki enter from the archway of the living room , James closely after . The dogs greeted them happily except Ajax. Who seemed to know something was off and had flattened his ears to his head.  The back of the couch was facing them so they couldn’t see Nico unless they entered the room. Kimi braced himself as they both smiled and walked towards him.

 

Then he noted what was missing, lauri. His nervousness about Nico vanished, where was lauri? Had something happened? Kimi instantly panicked and his words came flooding back to him stopping James and Niki in there tracks before they registered the figure on the couch.

 

“Where is lau? What’s happened , is he ok? Where is he!” James held his hands up to stop kimi.

 

“Lauri…is staying with Eero and Aki tonight. In fact kimi I think we all need to sit down and have a talk . Your brother has made a decision that affects us all”

 

Kimi looked practically distraught. Niki moved foreword his eyes glistening with fresh unshed tears and held kimis shoulders, they still hadn’t spotted Nico.

 

“It’s alright kimi , Its been a rough night for James and I . Lauri is ok we promise you”

 

Just as James was about to head to the kitchen and grab all of them a beer. He did a double take and spotted Nico. James eyes caught kimis, Niki noted how kimi suddenly seemed like a rabbit caught in headlights and when he turned to look at James , James was seething with anger. Then Niki glanced to his right , instantly he dropped his hands from kimis shoulders, and the look of utter disappointment in Nikis eyes made kimi feel about 3 inches tall. Niki said nothing shook his head in disbelief and walked away.

 

James had to take a moment, he didn’t want to scream at kimi but he felt like it. After the night he and Niki had just had this was the last thing on earth they wanted to come home to.

 

He took a breath closed his eyes and then opened them making sure he looked straight at kimi

 

“You get that boy out of this house, now”

 

Kimi hesitated then James lost it

 

“NOW!” Kimi jumped, James hadn’t yelled at him in years and kimi forgot how intimidating he could be . Nico had woken up suddenly, the light hitting his eyes and making his head pound, instantly he felt a wave of nausea come over him.

 

James was about to give Nico a piece of his mind when he noted how deathly pale he had suddenly gone and seconds later Nico threw up violently onto the floor .

To say James was bewildered was an understatement. Kimi quickly rushed to the kitchen and got paper towels and a glass of water . James watched confused as kimi cleaned up and helped Nico sip the water caressing his hair gently.

 

When kimi looked his way again James folded his arms and kimi knew he wasn’t messing around , he had to somehow find the words to explain this , James didn’t look amused and probably thought they had gotten drunk together or something!

 

Kimi stuttered “uh…I uh..he got stranded …he called..uhm I picked him up from Vantaa…he was sick a lot…mikas not in…Im sorry!”

 

Nico watched kimi struggle to explain himself and then finally registered that this was not mikas couch and that he had somehow ended up in the hunt lauda house. And here was kimi trying to defend him, despite being weak and sick Nico decided to take over.

 

“Sorry James, I tried calling mika. No one answered I’ve been stuck at Vantaa for hours because of the weather unable to get back to Germany , this was the first number that I thought of I didn’t expect kimi to answer. I didn’t ask kimi to take me here, actually I asked him to drop me off at mikas …I don’t even know how I ended up in here…”

 

“I do” James said eying kimi disapprovingly; kimi looked away his cheeks flushing instantly. He had always been so obvious when he had a guilty conscience, James could read him like a book.

 

“ok” James sighed pinching the bridge of nose feeling a migraine coming on.

“ill take you home Nico” Nico nodded and slowly pushed himself off the couch with kimis help. Kimi mouthed ‘sorry’ to him and Nico gave him a heart warming smile.

 

“thanx for rescuing me iceman” James noted how horrifically sad kimi looked as Nico walked off towards the door.

 

Once outside Nico doubled over again and Niki who had gone for a walk to cool off , saw him fall to his knees in the snow and wretch violently. Niki was instantly by his side as was James and they both led him back into the house where kimi became frantic and distraught , begging them in incoherent Finnish and English (because he lost all sense of which language to use when he got stressed) not to send Nico to Sebastian , because Sebastian was hopeless.

 

Niki and James laid Nico back on the couch , kimi got him a cold compress for his head and covered him up once more in his blanket. Nico drifted off again. James explained the situation to Niki . Niki downed a few beers , and disappeared leaving them both. He didn’t have a lot to say about the situation and kimi knew not to push things, so did James.

 

Niki sat in his study in silence, Ajax had followed him upstairs and the dog rested its head in his lap . Lauri had bought the puppy for kimi, even though he disliked dogs , lauri preferred cats but Niki never got him one for fear the dogs wouldn’t take kindly to it.

 

Now he wished he had gotten lauri whatever he had asked for, done more for him. But in the end it may not have made any difference. As the dog moved  closer to him it hit against the desk and one of nikis photos fell face down. He picked it up to re position it.

 

There in the frame was a black and white image of a very young lauri, around 15 years old. Blonde spiked hair and a puffy jacket on, behind him was there old van and he was staring off into the distance grinning. It had been taken on vacation on the way to Austria, Niki remembered it well, lauri had been unusually still and Niki was finally able to take a good photo of him. He was always so hyper and never stood in one place so he was hard to catch on camera, but at that moment he was contently watching kimi drive up and down the fields on his quad bike.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202014-12-10%20at%2021.51.39.png.html)

 

Niki had wanted to move the family to Austria at one point, but it never happened. James and him agreed that both boys needed to stay in Finland where they belonged . Oddly though lauri spoke impeccable German and that also brought him closer to Niki as they used to converse together in Nikis native Austrian dialect, which he had successfully taught lauri.

 

James didn’t speak it well and kimi knew enough to get by but the language of the house was English or Finnish , so Niki always appreciated chatting in German with his son.

 

James stood in doorway and watched Niki stare longingly at their once upon a time , happy go lucky , funny and charming teenager. And James couldn’t deny that he wished he could go back , even kimi was growing apart from them and he and James had just discussed whether or not kimi should move back to Switzerland. It looked like they where about to loose both there sons.

 

The house would eventually be just the two of them, once upon a time long ago that’s how it had all started.


	124. The sun sweeps the shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki reveals to james the strange connection he discovered between there two boys. And the two patriarchs of the family prepare to say goodbye to there young sons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> REALLY LONG CHAPTER! next one will be long as well so i can move things into the next phase ;)

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/f6f7a290-f5ae-45ad-ac99-e8b06fb6f4ac.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-02-02%20at%2019.28.24.png.html)

Nico slept soundly on the couch for hours. Eventually both Niki and James returned to the living area downstairs but avoided kimi . Niki and James barely spoke to one another they sensed that any conversation would end in disagreement and Niki for once was taking full advantage of James not wanting to cause trouble between them.

 

Nico was the last of niki’s worries. Kimi was an adult he could do as he pleased Niki had to learn to bite his tongue they where not children anymore. Still he pined deeply for Lauri, they had always been close he had truly bonded with his son when James was absent from there lives. Lauri had done everything, he had kept them together despite his depression, they where still a family because of him. The guilt was eating Niki up inside. He truly hoped that Lauri would return to say goodbye.

 

Niki had something to tell both his sons, he had figured out more about Lauri’s past and how he and kimi where connected even before the adoption. Now might not be the best time but if Lauri was going to go off on tour again , trying to get the band back up and running then he could be gone for months , or years, or forever.

 

Niki had to tell them both , they deserved to know.

 

First he needed rid of Nico. And he had to tell James. He wasn’t sure which one would be more difficult. He opted to speak with James before calling to have Nico picked up by Sebastian, which he knew kimi would make a fuss about but he didn’t care.

 

“James? Can we go for a walk. I need to speak with you, alone.” Niki practically watched as the beads of nervous sweat formed on James forehead, James was always so scared he had done something wrong. That was starting to frustrate Niki, especially after he thought they had finally moved past this the night before, deep down he just wanted them both to be back to normal . But it would take time. He smiled to reassure James , it didn’t work as well as expected . James still seemed edgy.

 

“is this about kimi and Nico? Look Niki I have my opinion and I don’t want us to quarrel over this..”

 

Niki drew James a pointed look and he stopped talking.

 

“its not about that. Now would you kindly stop surmising and just walk with me?”

 

The two bundled themselves into there winter coats and boots and set off into the woods. There was a comfortable silence. Once they where deeper in and the trees where starting to get closer together, the snow occasionally falling off the branches onto the already white ground, Niki stopped and just looked up admiring the mirror like sky as the sun began to rise.

 

James watched him and admired his profile, the light creeping through the tress illuminating one side of his face. The scars making him all the more beautiful to James.

 

“so” Niki began and James moved foreword to stand next to him.

 

“so” James repeated “what do you have to tell me?”

Niki closed his eyes and seemed to think of something, James assumed it was something good because he was grinning.

 

“I have news.” James nodded expectantly “ I wanted us all to share it as a family but …as always things have gotten in the way.” James watched niki’s eyes grow distant once more .

 

“ The boys will be delighted…I hope. Also I am glad you came home…I need you here for this”

 

James raised his eyebrows in confusion “im intrigued…what is the news ?”

 

“Well…” Niki started but hesitated , James moved closer and nodded to encourage him “when kimi was eighteen and we received his official file, All things we already knew and had told him you remember that day?” James nodded

 

“ But when Lauri was eighteen…”

 

“We never received a thing about him…” Niki met James gaze, he could see the wheels turning in James head. “but now you have ? You have Lauri’s file?”

James was quick minded sometimes and Niki was glad he was catching on it made the whole situation less drawn out and Niki could get to the point quicker.

 

Niki turned to look James in the eyes and held his hands needing someone to ground him and be there with him in that moment, the thing he had to tell was almost to surreal , almost to strange to be true.

 

“I know who he is James. Or who he was at least.” A thousand things ran through James head, who was the raven-haired boy with the emerald eyes? And could he handle knowing the truth? “

 

 “You can read the file yourself tonight, tomorrow when lauri comes he can have it. It’s his life, it’s the missing pieces. He will finally know more and maybe feel less empty.” James held Nikis hands tighter anticipating Nikis next words.

 

“ The most important thing is that part of the file was missing originally , I already put two and two together from what I could read but veronica from the agency confirmed what I have been thinking.” Niki stopped and it seemed like he suddnely couldn’t speak and longer , the suspense was killing james.

 

“go on….come on niki tell me!”

“ James , lauris mothers last name was raikkonen , she was kimi’s fathers sister. Kimi and Lauri are cousins. They are blood. They are family.”

 

Nikis eyes glistened with tears. James was looking at him as if he had just been told the world was actually rectangular. He tried in vain to speak but the words just wouldn’t come out. He had so many questions but couldn’t ask them. They had raised two boys as brothers assuming they where not connected at all when in fact.. they had reunited family members? Lauri and kimi where blood, they where kin, they where cousins.

 

Of course lauri would have been born more than a year after kimis parents death. Lauri was younger than kimi, by that point James and Niki had already adopted the little iceman.

 

Niki broke the silence

 

“I wanted to tell them together, to have done it as a family at dinner or on vacation or something. But now..Lau is leaving. I think they have to know before they maybe never see one another again. After all Lauri has a knack for going away and forgetting to keep in touch.”

 

James agreed, he didn’t try to tease any more details about Lauri from Niki, he would read the file himself. He was intrigued, he wanted to know who this child was that he had been so unable to bond with. Who was the soul behind those eyes?

 

James couldn’t help how full of joy his heart felt. Kimi had blood family, family that had been there all along without anyone knowing right under there roof. They had raised them together. For James it was like some kind of miracle.

 

In contrast it made Nikis heart heavy. He knew not even this knowledge would make lauri stay. He hoped that the bond between kimi and lauri was strong enough to withstand along time apart, because only kimi could draw lauri home.

 

In truth that was why Niki didn’t want kimi to move away again, if kimi was gone. Lauri would probably see no reason at all to visit. If kimi were gone, lauri would go permanently. Niki still couldn’t let go, to him they would always be his baby boys, then he remembered that James also had Aki.

 

Aki would go where lauri would go and James would loose him also. Niki didn’t know why , after all it wasn’t his responsibility but he felt James needed reminding.

 

“Maybe call the flat tonight and tell that Eero boy that Aki is welcome over here today, after all you’ll need to say goodbye to him as well wont you?”

 

James looked away pained and the smile fell from his face, he would loose Aki. The thought hit him hard. They had become so close and James missed him terribly. Living with Aki had been amassing. The boy was full of the joys of youth and there was never a smile far from his face. He would make a massive mess; always miss place his glasses and loved to shout at the tv screen as if the people on it could somehow magically hear him. He had been through a lot and almost died in James arms. James was once again reminded that he had three sons where as Niki had two.

 

“thank you Niki” James murmured as he kissed Nikis neck lovingly. Niki nodded and held back the tears. He had let it all go, and of course Aki was forgiven. He would be welcomed into there home from now on, lauri loved him and that was all that mattered.

As Nicos eyes fluttered open , he could make out  kimis back. Kimi was sitting cross legged on the floor on front of the fire watching the flames . There was a guitar in his lap, a beautiful black bodied guitar. The flames reflecting off its glossy surface. Nico recognized that famous guitar, it was of course Lauri’s. And anyone who knew the rasmus knew that guitar, it was his pride and joy and the man knew how to make that instrument sing like no other.

 

Kimi was just sat there cradling it. Nico for once felt awful, but kimi was the one who had brought him here , he didn’t impose of his on free will. Non-the less he felt he was intruding on a very personal family moment. Something had obviously gone down with lauri and kimis mind was far away.

 

James only quickly explained to kimi that lauri was in Helsinki for the night and that he had run off with his car and apparently Brocken out through the window. Kimi couldn’t blame his little brother for doing it , he wasn’t even mad when James told him lauri had stolen his car.

 

He was a little angry however at where lauri had run off to, kimi still found aki a hard pill to swallow and he had decided he hated Eero. The man who had taken Nico, and taken the one thing that Nico had promised him, his first time. Kimi would never get that back, Nicos first experience was forever with someone else , that cut kimi deeply. It hurt him to the core.

 

But for now his mind was on lauri and whether or not his brother was ok. He thought of silly things like whether he was warm enough, if he had eaten anything and if he would be awake or asleep at that moment.

 

Kimi had searched the house for the guitar and eventually found it , he was waiting to give it back to lauri that morning. But James hadn’t said if lauri would be home, he was to busy lecturing kimi about Nico and how unacceptable this was , after everything the family had been through. Kimi had suddenly blurted out that he maybe wanted to move back to Switzerland, but that he was only staying home because he was concerned about lauri. He didn’t know why he said it but he had to, he was 24 and could no longer handle all the pressure of living at home. He would only stay if lauri needed him but it would be impossible to live in Finland during racing season and his debut was fast approaching , Niki and James knew this , they knew eventually kimi was going away again.

 

Nico saw kimi tense up the muscles in his back going taught.

 

“what is it ? what’s wrong?” Nicos voice came out a lot weaker than he intended. Kimi turned round to face him. Nico couldn’t lift his head so he lay there and gazed at kimi in concern. Instantly kimi was hit with a memory of Nico as a child after consuming to much ice cream laid , out in the exact same way on that exact couch whilst kimi laughed at him both there mouths stained with chocolate after raiding the fridge. Niki had given them both into so much trouble after that. The memory made kimi smile ever so slightly.

 

“Nothing. Go back to sleep” he said and turned round again.

 

“you’re an awful liar kimi , you always have been” kimi turned once more this time he glared at Nico, he didn’t appreciate that comment.

 

“Leave me alone. Its non of your concern anyway” kimi spat back. Nico wasn’t fazed or hurt by kimis sudden cold demeanour, he knew kimi and he knew his ways well enough by now not to take offense.

 

“is it lauri?” the deep sadness that suddenly flooded kimis eyes let Nico know he was right.

 

Then kimi gave in “for some reason he didn’t come home last night, hes gone to stay with James bastard aki and ….the weird fucker you slept with” this time kimis words did hurt, Nicos first reaction was to bite back. How dare kimi insult Eero, but then again it would do no good to pick a fight instead Nico sighed, his eyes drifting closed once more as he whispered

 

“If he is with Eero, rest assured he will be fine. I promise you that”

 

Kimi didn’t reply , the very name made him want to throw up. But some small part of him felt reassured by Nicos words, after all lauri was the most important person to him and all kimi wanted in that moment was to know he was safe.

 

Nico didn’t fall back asleep but he was to exhausted to keep his eyes open. He had no idea how much time had passed but suddenly he felt warm breath against his cheek , initially he thought he was imagining it, after all he was running a fever and was drifting in and out of a kind of dream like state.

 

Then there was lips against his warm flushed skin. And he opened his eyes again. Kimi was leaving over him there faces inches apart now and kimi was kissing him all over , his forehead , his cheek , his jawline and all to suddenly there was a hand in his hair . If it was a dream it was a very real and convincing one.

 

As quickly as it had started it was over and kimi pulled away from him , kneeling on front of him , his face now in full view of Nico who was looking at him with a million questions spinning through his mind.

 

Nico was in no way prepared for what kimi was about to say to him, and his shattered heart seemed to mend back together instantly when the words left kimi lips

 

“rakastan sinua nico” as the tears filled Nicos eyes, visions of every moment he had wronged this man flooded his sub conscious. He couldn’t believe there moment had finally come.

 

No more games, no more going round in circles. Was this it? Was kimi confessing his love? Would they finally be together? Nico was positive he was dreaming. And if so his answer wouldn’t matter because he would soon awake and kimis back would be turned to him, so he said it without a second thought

 

“I love you kimi” it was no dream, a single tear slipped from kimis eye and they shared their first proper kiss as a couple.

 

As Niki and James stood in the archway and watched there son passionately kissing his new lover, there pain was apparent. Niki had to hold onto James for support the same thought running through both there minds. Kimi had made a huge mistake and they regretted the day when he would pay for it. But both hoped that they where wrong.

 

The sun had risen and morning was upon them, the rays catching the dust particles in the air and making them dance. Kimi and Nico looked like something out of a fairytale , as they parted and just stared at one another and Niki and James felt they where intruding on a very private moment but there was nothing they could do. Eventually Niki cleared his throat and made his discomfort known to kimi by giving him a pointed look. Kimi went instantly red , his cheeks the same color as Nikis Ferrari.

 

Niki wasn’t going to make a big deal of this, his son was old enough to make his own mistakes. But Nico had to vanish and quickly because neither James or Niki wanted lauri to walk into kimi and Nicos sudden and random reconciliation.

 

“Aware that you are under the whether at the moment Rosberg” Niki could no longer stomach saying the boys name, there was to much history and he was to angry with him “but we have some family matters to attend to and now is a very inconvenient time for you to have miraculously appeared , James has to take you home. I am sure you understand”

 

there was no room for argument, Nico had to be left with Sebastian. Kimi gently helped Nico sit up and once the dizziness left him he walked hand in hand with kimi out the door , James massaged Nikis neck to ease some of his tensions.

 

Then left after the boys. Kimi kissed Nicos forehead tenderly and James rolled his eyes.

 

“ill…call or come round or something” Nico smiled and slid into the passenger side of James car.

 

“I hope everything is ok and you get a chance to see lauri soon, take care kimi”

 

Kimi stood and waved as James drove Nico off. Once back inside the house , the tension in the air could have been cut with a knife. Niki was more than a little pissed off with him.

 

James arrived back soon enough and assured kimi that Nico was fine and Sebastian knew to call if there was any issues. He phoned the flat in Helsinki, pauli answered and James left the message that aki was welcome to come to the house to say goodbye , pauli promised to relay the message but he sounded drunk  and had hung up abruptly.

 

Eventually they all sat down to breakfast in silence. The clock ticked away and Niki glanced at it nervously every few minutes, the hours rolled by slowly and there was no sign of lauri. Night fell and still nothing.

 

They where sat by the fire in the living room, no one spoke the words but they all where thinking it ‘he’s gone and we will never see him again’. Kimi was sat on the couch where Nico had been hours earlier and he was clutching Lauri’s guitar his arms wrapped round the fret board as if it was his little brothers shoulders. Kimi still had a little hope that lauri would be home, he would never leave without this guitar.

 

Headlights beamed through the windows and they all jumped, the dogs erupted into a chorus of barking . The door handle turned and everything seemed to move in slow motion there hearts racing.

 

Kimi dreaded who might walk through the door first, if it was Eero he feared he may snap again. But it was aki, he sheepishly poked his head round the door and cleared his throat meeting Nikis gaze only for  a few seconds before asking

 

“is it really ok if I come in?” Niki nodded and kimi looked at him stunned, since when was aki allowed into there home?!

 

“Peace kimi” Niki warned under his breath. Aki walked in slowly and stood awkwardly in the hallway moments later lauri entered and kimis face lit up.

 

To any onlooker it might look like they hadn’t seen each other in years instead of having only spent a night apart. Lauri melted into kimis arms.  For a second lauri didn’t know how he was ever going to leave, but kimi would be gone soon anyway. His first race was growing ever closer.

 

When they parted lauri greeted Niki and James then turned to aki.

 

“I’m ok, if you want to wait with Eero for now. You can come back in later to see James” aki nodded , it was unfair to leave Eero outside alone in the car in the cold. And he wouldn’t come in because of kimi.

 

James walked aki out to the car so he could say hello to Eero. James liked the boy , a lot. He was a bit of a strange character but there was something soothing about his presence.

 

“thanx for babysitting lau” James joked looking through the passenger window , Eero smiled warmly back at him.

 

“anytime, all the best with your family James. I can see things will be looking up for you all. Times ahead will hold a lot of good things” akirolled his hand at the side of his head indicating jokingly that he thought Eero was nuts. James laughed and messed akis hair.

 

“You behave yourself!” aki laughed heartily, James missed that sound.

 

“Right well, ill come get you when all is said and done. So that we…. can say goodbye” a lump formed in akis throat at that point, he hadn’t had James in his life for very long but already it hurt a lot knowing he would be away from his father for a long time after just finding one another.

 

“ok ..isa”

 

As James turned back to the house he had to bite his tongue to stop the tears. Both his boys where leaving him that night and the other would soon follow.

 

 

 

 

 


	125. Daja vu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki and James have there much needed talk with Lauri and Kimi and alot more is revealed than was originally planned

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1011704_319408041526311_951457680_n.jpg.html)

 

They where all sat round the table in the dining room. An echo of times long past when they used to have family dinners together, James and Niki grinning to themselves as kimi and lauri would talk animatedly in Finnish to one another.

This was different there was silence and a heavy feeling hung over them all, the air was dense and none of them could relax.

 

Unexpectedly, Kimi broke the silence.

 

“Don’t go lau, please don’t leave..” there was a crack in his voice as he spoke, pure unfiltered emotion coming through and lauri instantly teared up.

 

“I…I have to, I cant stay here any longer..”

 

“Things can be changed…right Niki? James? He doesn’t have to do this! You can’t let him! I wont let him!” kimi struck the table with both fists and all three of the other men jumped. Lauri was getting very upset, he didn’t know what to do anymore he thought he had made up his mind but kimi obviously couldn’t let him go and lauri couldn’t leave kimi in a state like this and he didn’t want to leave the same way he did last time, memories of kimi running along the train platform screaming his name as the train carried him away had given lauri nightmares.

 

James squeezed kimis shoulder tightly “calm down, come on now we didn’t all come together to fight or upset one another. We came to talk and…I think there is something extremely important you and your …brother” James hesitated, that wasn’t the correct term for them anymore , but he didn’t want to give himself away  “you and lauri need to know something…”

 

Niki was almost ready to back out of telling them, how could he do it now? With kimi begging them to make lauri stay? and lauri still wanting to leave? Maybe if he told them the truth now lauri would feel forced to stay and he would ruin his son even more by not supporting his need to be free.

 

James was looking at him expectantly

 

“Niki…we have to tell them” lauri wiped his eyes on his arm and kimi sunk back into his chair the tension in his body subsiding a little. Both boys looked from one father to the other, what could this new secret possibly be?

 

“tell. Us what?..” kimi’s voice was icy , Niki knew he was expecting the worst. Niki didn’t have the words but what he did have was lauri and kimis original birth certificates and Lauri’s file. Silently he left the table, retrieved a small bronze key from his pocket and opened a drawer at the side of the bookcase which neither boy knew existed. He pulled out a heavy collection of papers bound in a cardboard file.

 

When he sat back at the table Lauri’s eyes where firmly on the papers and kimi was gazing between them all confused and slightly frightened.

 

Niki opened the folder and slid one piece of paper towards lauri and another to kimi.

 

Kimi looked at it and lauri looked at his, then kimi looked at Niki completely bewildered.

 

“its my birth certificate…I’ve seen this before…” Niki nodded

 

“yes I know you have, lauri has probably never seen his though so give him a moment then I want you both to swap the papers. Do as I ask no questions”

 

Lauri and kimi looked at one another, they couldn’t read what the other was thinking but they both saw a fear in each others eyes. What was the purpose of this? Lauri glanced back down at his certificate studying the names, it was his father he had forgotten he trained his eye on that name memorizing it,  then drew his gaze across and almost choked on the very air he was breathing , his file read  –

 

_Lauri Johannes Ylonen_

_Father                                                                                                        mother_

_Tuuka Johannes Ylonen                                                               Laura valo Raikkonen_

_Siblings_

_Brother 1                                                                                       sister 0_

 

 

Kimi looked at lauri concerned, “lauri? What is it?” lauri didn’t respond his eyes fixed on the paper his hands shaking. Kimi reached over and grabbed the paper pulling it across the table, he quickly looked it over and at first didn’t see anything unusual until he looked again and then glanced at his own file. He dropped them both onto the table and for a moment couldn’t breathe

 

Kimi Matias Raikkonen

Father                                                                                                 mother

Matias Raikkonen                                                                   Kiira Raikkonen

 

Lauri was shaking as he looked at Niki who reached over to take his hand squeezing it reassuringly.

 

“Its ok boys, its ok to ask questions. If I have the answers ill give you them but there is so much I don’t know”

 

Kimi didn’t mean to sound stupid or clueless but he didn’t quite understand. Lauri however knew exactly what this might mean.

 

“I…what is this…I don’t understand” James rubbed kimis back to comfort him. Niki didn’t need to explain lauri bluntly filled his ‘brother’ in.

 

“I think we are cousins…” lauri felt Nikis hand squeeze his just a little bit tighter, he was right he wasn’t just imagining something.  He felt numb at first then he felt delight then sadness, did this mean they where no longer able to be brothers? But wasn’t it better this way? To know they had blood between them and not just a connection made up by the adoption courts? Lauri didn’t know, all he knew was that kimi wasn’t holding him and he needed him to.

 

“co…cousins? …How? I mean…what?” Niki took kimis hand and pulled both there hands to the middle the table and rested kimis on top of Lauri’s.

 

“yes kimi, lauri is your little cousin. His mother was your fathers sister, and lauri’s mother never married his father so she kept the name Raikkonen but allowed lauri to take his fathers last name so he became ylonen”

 

When Niki removed his hand kimi glanced down on the table at his own on top of Lauri’s. Niki spoke again, softer this time his own voice full of pent up emotions.

 

“I never knew and neither did James this isn’t something we planned or something we have been purposefully keeping from you. Lauri’s file arrived shortly before you ended up in hospital but only recently have I been able to connect the missing pieces in it for him, there was never going to be a perfect time to tell you both this. I hope that this brings you closer. And lauri I also found something else for you..”

 

James looked at Niki, what else was there? Niki had hidden another piece of information from everyone even James. He had found Lauri’s ‘real brother’ the sibling mentioned on the paper.

 

Niki flicked through the file with a heavy heart, he didn’t want to hurt kimi. But in the end lauri did have a real blood related older brother and he deserved to know that.

 

Niki found what he was looking for and old crumpled picture of a boy called ‘ville’ veronica said he had gone to foster care, then at age 16 had disappeared from there records and she no longer knew his where abouts but that there was a rumor that ville valo the lead singer of the Finnish band H.I.M was the same ville from the image. Niki placed it face down on the table and slid it towards lauri. Reluctantly lauri slid his hand out from under kimis.

 

“What is this…what more can you possibly add to this…I can’t take much more”

 

Niki rubbed Lauri’s arm “its ok son, its alright don’t look if you don’t want to I don’t have to share this with you. We can keep it for another time”

 

Niki placed his hand on the photograph ready to pull it away when lauri stopped him and shook his head. He wanted to look, he supposed it was better to get everything over and done with, slowly he turned it over. At first he thought he was looking at himself but the young man was dark haired and when lauri was younger he had bleached his hair blonde. Then it hit lauri like a train, it was a young image of ville, he had toured with his band once. The guy was pretty messed up he seemed like a drug addict alcoholic mess.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/original.jpg.html)

 

“I know him” lauri said placing the image back on the table and looking at Niki

 

“He’s in a band we toured with…what’s he got to do with anything?”

 

“Lauri “ Niki began slowly, he had no idea lauri had met this man before. Kimi caught a quick glance at the photo and memories from that night in Helsinki flooded his mind. the stranger with Lauri’s eye color had said

_“He was once my brother”_ kimi’s blood went cold in his veins, and when Niki said the words he felt sick

 

“That’s your older brother lauri…he survived the accident just like you…lauri your parents died in a car crash both you and your brother suffered concussion and neither of you remembered the incident. Your brother… was unable to be adopted because he had so much trauma and was placed in special care”

 

Lauri felt like he had been shot. Him and vile brothers? His parents died in a crash? It wasn’t true it couldn’t be true. He didn’t want it to be true. Lauri stood abruptly his chair hitting the floor, he turned and fled kimi raced after him leaving James and Niki to look on as both there boys disappeared out into the cold night.

 

Eero saw lauri run past the car, moment’s later kimi ran past as well. Aki had fallen asleep. Eero decided to pursue them leaving aki alone with the heater running so he didn’t freeze.

 

 Eero lost sight of kimi pretty quickly and by this point he was pretty deep into the woods. He had never in his life been here before and was lost . There was now nothing but trees in every direction; it was pitch black except for the slight hint of moonlight.

 

Lauri had absentmindedly headed straight for the lake. Kimi knew as they got closer exactly where they where headed. His heart thumped he couldn’t face this place for a third time but he could let lauri run off in such a state.

 

Soon the lake appeared through the trees and as it had been all those years before when lauri had saved both him and Nico, it was frozen over.

 

Lauri hadn’t stopped running. Kimi screamed at the top of his lungs as lauri got closer and closer to the frozen waters.

 

“STOP!!!!” his voice seemed to echo through the trees a few birds scarpered into the air with fright but lauri didn’t stop. Within a few heart-wrenching minutes of kimi standing frozen from fear lauri was a quarter of the way across the lake.

 

Kimi was shaking and inside his lungs where struggling for air and his heart felt like a base drum in his ears. He had to get lauri he had to , but he couldn’t move.

 

Eero heard kimi scream he picked a direction and ran in it , within moments a lake came into view . On the far side was the familiar figure of kimi. Almost in the middle was lauri.

 

Lauri had stopped he turned and looked directly and kimi he had just run blindly his senses switching off now realization hit him and his eyes filled with terror , the ice started to crack. Kimi raced foreword but once at the edge he hesitated. Memories of drowning hit him, a beautiful young boy with golden hair falling into the dark waters. Kimi panted, few things terrified him but this lake was one of them.

 

He had to get lauri, shaking kimi stepped onto the ice. Lauri hadn’t been expecting that, he had seen how terrified kimi was and thought he would never come after him; now lauri was the frightened one.

 

“Get back!” he warned kimi “KIMI! LISTEN TO ME!” kimi wasn’t listening and the weight of them both was cracking the ice quicker.

 

Suddenly lauri jumped and let out a cry of surprise kimi looked up from his feet and saw that Eero had lauri in his arms.

 

“Go back kimi I’ve got him! Your closer to the edge go back!!!” Kimis first emotion was seething anger, he hated that man or so he thought, but as he heard the crackling beneath his feet he had no time to allow for such tings. He slowly turned round gazing back over his shoulder making sure Eero truly did intend to help lauri he watched them both arm in arm making there way to the side where the ice hadn’t started to split.

 

Kimi was safely back off the lake when he turned lauri and Eero where also almost at the edge on the other side, relief washed over him.

 

Then it happened, it all happened so quickly that kimi wasn’t sure he was even reacting. Everything was a blur nothing seemed real.


	126. The Ocean in his eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened at that mysterious lake? and has kimi finally become the man he was meant to be?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-02-12%20at%2021.23.09.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10329185_762919463741059_4048493634974949957_n.jpg.html)

 

All kimi knew was that lauri had screamed the most blood curdling horrific scream he had ever heard and Eero was no longer by his side . Kimi had raced round the side of the lake, he was close enough to catch Lauri’s arm and forcefully pull him off the ice and away from the cavity which Eero had fallen through. Kimi held lauri for a few moments them firmly commanded him to stay put. When kimi looked into the black waters he couldn’t see a thing and there was no sign of anyone struggling, in this weather he had very little time to get Eero out alive.

 

10 seconds – the body freezes and muscles stop responding

20 seconds – internal organs start to struggle

30 seconds – the lungs start to collapse

40 seconds – the heart struggles to pump blood round the body

60 – seconds- irreparable damage to brain function

 

Then, Death.

 

The mantra they had learned in school went round in kimis head.  He couldn’t dive in , he would drown also…

 

Lauri was ready to jump in kimi had to wrestle him roughly to the ground and scream ‘no!’ in his face . Then kimi made the decision …he took his jacket off , lauri was strong enough to support his weight. He had lauri tie one sleeve firmly round his wrist and hold it, kimi tied the other round his wrist and after giving one another one last look kimi dived in. Lauri’s heart was in his throat.

 

It had been 30 seconds or more for Eero and it was pitch black in the water , lauri had 20 seconds timed on his watch , 20 seconds and he would pull kimi out. Them kimi caught the flash of the orange in the jacket Eero had been wearing he reached out and was able to grab it . everything was more difficult with one hand but he had Eeros jacket grasped firmly and he tugged on his end of the sleeve , lauri pulled , now pulling not just kimis weight but Eeros .

 

Kimi had to half clamber himself awkwardly onto the bank with Lauri’s help the whole time clutching Eeros jacket with his now frozen hand. When they pulled Eero out and dragged his limp body onto the snow covered grass, his lips where blue and tiny flecks of frost instantly formed on his eye lashes and hair.

 

Kimi had shamefully thought of this in dreams. Wished the life would leave those eyes and Eero would cease to exist. Kimi wasn’t proud of it , but he had been so deeply wounded by Nicos relationship with Eero and he was jealous that somehow Eero seemed to be a much better man than himself. Now looking down on him, kimi felt he would love nothing more than for him to open his eyes.

 

Lauri had been trying in vein to revive him, pressing hard down on his chest and pressing his warm lips against Eeros frozen mouth to coax air back into his lungs. It was hopeless, they where two idiot youths who had no idea what they where doing.

 

Lauri cold and shivering , his muscles unresponsive in the bitter air , eventually gave up, he fell back onto his knees and let the silent tears fall. This was too much kimis father was his mothers brother, kimi wasn’t his brother but his blood cousin, his real brother was a drug addict lunatic and now Eero was lost to him. Eero who he needed more than ever.

 

“Don’t leave me” lauri sobbed tracing his fingers over Eeros face. Kimi couldn’t stand this again, Lauri’s heart break was to painful . He prayed , he didn’t know to who or why and he had never prayed before in his life,  but they needed help, they needed someone anyone to come and save them.

 

A flash light blinded them both and the sound of boots crunching against the snow filled there ears they both squinted as the light fell on them.

 

Ajax bounded foreword and barked when kimi entered his sight. But it wasn’t Niki or James that followed.

 

“ortyte there boys!” Jackie. Kimi swore this was all a dream, and any moment now he’d wake up and tell his fathers and lauri and they’d look at him like he was an alien.

 

“Your dads have the whole place oot looking for you both! I just arrived and awready there is drama!” Jackie strode foreword quickly then caught site of Eero . He dropped the flash light and gently shoved lauri away bringing his two fingers to Eeros throat.

 

“right lads, up now we have tae get this one to the hoose and pronto, he got a very feign’t pulse”

 

Kimi stood quickly and caught Eero under the arms , lauri was to stunned, both by jackies sudden appearance and by the fact Eero was alive in there somewhere , precious seconds where ticking by . Jackie didn’t have time to deal with Lauri’s emotional state.

 

“lauri! Move!” lauri snapped out of it and caught Eeros legs he and kimi walking as quickly as they could carrying his dead weight between them following Ajax back to the house.

 

Aki was pacing outside the door Ajax bounded past him and he raced foreword as he saw lauri and kimi come into view with Eero unmoving in there arms.

 

“Eero! Eero! What the fuck! What happened to him! You did this didn’t you!” Aki addressed Kimi harshly , both lauri and kimi ignored his pained pleas they had to get Eero inside. The other dogs arrived back in a chorus of barks and James and Niki , mika David and Sebastian all followed. Nico had not been informed about Nikis phone call stating that kimi and lauri had run off and he had been left to sleep.

 

The house of men erupted into activity , no one waited to be told what to do. There where blankets gotten, kettles boiled , the fire lit as much as it could be until the flames roared into life, the couches where moved aside Niki and James undressed Eero and dried him off, a bath was run

 

Eventually the blur of activity stopped as quickly as it started. Eero was breathing, his heart rate was somewhat normal and he had at least opened his eyes a few times. They had laid him out by the fire wrapped him up tightly and lauri and aki where sitting by his side both caressing his face and hair. Niki  and james could finally welcome Jackie properly and mika and David joined into the conversation.

 

Sebastian sat awkwardly watching the boys on the floor. Kimi was sat the other end of the couch from him. Kimis mind wandered, he and Nico where together now…but he still had to break that news to lauri and Sebastian. But from Sebastian’s cold demeanor kimi suspected he already knew. Kimi needed to talk to someone needed to offload and Sebastian had always been good for that but now he would need to give that up. Sebastian couldn’t even look his way. There friendship was over.

 

After awhile of allowing everyone to just settle in. Jackie gently placed a hand on Lauri’s shoulder

 

“Come on lad lets have a little chat” lauri followed jackie upstairs and David pulled kimi aside to the kitchen. Niki and James suspected both there boys didn’t want to discuss there feelings with hem so maybe they might confide in someone else.

 

James joined aki on the floor next to Eero.

 

“hey, what a mess . Welcome to the family” aki cracked the slightest smile and hummed to himself. James fixed some of his hair, which had fallen out of place and puled his glasses of cleaning them on his own shirt.

 

“you always get these so dirty” he said , Niki looked on with mika by his side as James tended to aki. It stung, of course it did. To see James so tentative to another kid.

 

“I always tell him that” Eero murmured , James patted his shoulder and aki took his hand.

 

“don’t speak , just rest. Its going to be a full house tonight” aki looked round and finally had a change to examine the house. There was cabinets full of trophies. On the fireplace there was pictures of kimi and lauri and above it there was a huge family portrait. Everything was old fashioned Finnish style the room was huge there was an open arch way into the hall where the stairs where and down from that was the dinning room and a massive kitchen. Aki had spent most his days in a rented one bedroom apartment sharing the floor with his sister until his mum moved them both into the living room after he hit puberty and gave him his own room, the room where lauri had started clambering through the window most nights.

 

Lauri sat on his childhood bed in the room which was now empty of everything which made him feel alive , everything that made him who he was. No guitars, an empty desk and no piano. Jackie had to gaze round for a moment in disbelief this wasn’t the bedroom he remembered from when lauri was a teenager .

 

“well” Jackie stood hands on his hips and took in the room “ first” he sat next to lauri on the bed “tell me whit happened here… where is all you music?”

 

It was a long story and lauri momentarily had forgotten the beginning. So he started with James and how James had made him feel since early in his childhood, then he moved onto the incidents involving aki (James new son) nico and kimi , then the incidents with Eero Nico and kimi then onto his self harming and moving quickly into his time in hospital and what he had tried to do there and how aki had almost taken the blame for attempted murder , then the psychiatrist. finally the prison he came home to, but the most shocking parts came last as he told of the mysterious facts that had come to light. He and kimi where cousins, a man he had no admiration for was his brother, his parents had died in a different way than he had been told and the car crash explained his nightmares about fire and smelling gasoline when there wasnt any, then he had in his blind panic put his dearest friend in danger.

 

It was a lot to take in for Jackie, he had been out of there lives for quit some time. Niki and he grew apart and Jackie had no knowledge of anything that was happening in any of there lives except that he read the news papers and knew at some point Niki and James had split and that James was married with children in London but apparently aki was not one of those children which mean’t James had been messing around at another stage. Jackie didn’t need to know anything more in depth from the past he was here to help lauri deal with what was happening now.

 

“How do you feel? Aboot kimi being yer cousin by blood?” lauri took a moment to think it over. Shouldn’t he be happy? He wasn’t. Cousins was nothing, brothers was better but that was ridiculous because being kimis cousin connected them by blood, as his brother that was just a made up term they where using to describe the fact they both had been adopted into the same family.

 

“I don’t know what to feel, does this mean we can’t be brothers any longer?” Jackie put and arm round Lauri’s shoulders.

 

“ah laddie of course you can! That’s you and kimis choice to make. This new knowledge dinnae make you any less family and it isnnae sumit for you to be worked up over! Summit else is botherin yeh…what is it?”

 

Jackie was right , he wasn’t so worked up about kimi. He loved kimi, and kimi would be in his life regardless of what ever happened. What hurt him more was that his real brother the one who should take kimis place was not someone lauri wanted any thing to do with ever again. Ville , ville had had gotten lauri wasted on a tour so wasted that a group of random females and possibly some males had , had there way with lauri whilst he was to out of it to respond. his memory of that night was just of a mass of naked bodies and people touching him all over ville had laughed, for him it was funny , torturing this new kid , this new front man it was like some kind of morbid initiation into the world of a rock star. Lauri shivered at the memory.

 

“My real brother….it cant be him , it just can’t be…”

 

In the kitchen David was nursing his second beer and kimi hadn’t spoken. Instead choosing to stare out of the glass doors into the yard.

 

“c’mon kimi talk tae me man! Just let it out! Whatever yer feeling.”

 

Kimi shuffled from one foot to another

 

“I don’t care about this stuff” kimi pointed to the table where all the papers still where laid out from before.

 

“I just want …” David watched him struggle and placed his beer on the counter grasping kimis shoulders and turning him so they could face each other

 

“its ok, take a breath. What is it you want”

 

Kimi breathed in and out a few times allowing his brain to re make the connections to his tongue so it would work again.

 

“I want…my family” David nodded

 

“You mean you want them back how they where?” kimi shook his head

 

“…I …I don’t want any of this stuff between me and lauri or Niki and James. Hes my little brother they are my parents, cant we just move foreword like that?”

 

David held his shoulder tighter

 

“I know kimi, I know you can’t understand why everything always gets so complicated. You like things simple and you never ever make mountains out of mole hills, yer a good lad and a credit to yer parents. But things are how they are, yes lauri can still be yer brother and they will always be yer parents . But lauri had a whole other past and if he needs to investigate it  yeh all need ta support him. Yes?”

 

Kimi looked down and nodded. David was right , it didn’t have to mean they didn’t love each other. When mika and Niki entered the kitchen kimi walked past them in silence. He stopped in the archway of the living room and looked down at aki who was watching over Eero. James was talking with Sebastian, who seemed utterly deflated and kimi knew why.

 

Then Jackie came back down stairs. He patted kimis shoulder and said simply

 

“go sit with your brother, he needs yeh”

 

Kimi nodded but there was something he had to do first. For the sake of his own soul and sanity. He had to talk with Eero. Leaving it until later wouldn’t work, the band was leaving and kimi would talk himself out of it. He had to do it now.

 

Kimi approached the spot on the floor where aki was sat trying to get Eero not to speak and just relax. Eero kept trying to ask about lauri and what happened and how he’d gotten there and who’s house it was . Aki just kept telling him to be quite which was frustrating his friend.

 

Aki looked up suddenly and gazed over his shoulder , kimi was standing behind him. Instantly aki stood and faced him, he wasn’t afraid of kimi and somewhere inside he had convinced himself that kimi pushed Eero into the lake. In all the commotion no one had gotten the to the bottom of what happened, they where to busy saving the young mans life.

 

“You did this, I know you. You can’t lie to me. Your a weasel with a evil streak in you, you tried to kill him before! You where gonna bring that pole down on his head!”

 

Kimi opened his mouth to speak , his blood was boiling. But aki was right and kimi had no excuses he had wanted to murder Eero back then. Regardless he had just saved him! He did not push him in! For once kimi found his tongue.

 

“I didn’t push him! He fell in,. Now fuck off I want to speak with him not you!” kimi shoved aki who forcefully pushed him back. James caught the situation before anything erupted.

 

“hey!! Hey!!! Stop it! Back off kimi!” James pulled them apart and stood between them.

 

“This is not the time for this , break it up!” kimi drew aki daggers and aki stared back just as intensely.

 

“I wanna talk to Eero if its ok with his Rottweiler” aki made to charge forward at the insult but James pushed him aside.

 

“Do not dare talk to him like that!” James voice was low, he meant business. Kimi was not happy with James defending aki, not happy at all.

 

“Fine take his side, he is your blood after all isn’t he . You can both fuck off”

 

Kimi pushed by them both and charged upstairs, but not to lauri. He stormed off to his own room and the door slamming made the whole house shake.

 

During the night aki slept by Eeros side at the fire. Eero lay awake. Kimi was troubled, and so was lauri and it made Eero uneasy. He couldn’t sleep and was restless, the firelight making strange eerie patterns along the floor and the walls. Eero got up on shaky legs and wrapped a blanket round himself, he was still shivering and his muscles where achy and refused to work properly.

 

Kimi had taken awhile to cool down, he was so upset with James , again. But he was comforted that him and lauri shared blood, the thought made him happier and he gazed at the picture of Nico on his night stand and the image of lauri next to it. They’re youthful smiling faces calmed him. When he couldn’t fall asleep he got up to get water from the kitchen. As he passed the living room he saw aki sound asleep and drew him a vicious glare, there was something missing though….Eero. Eero wasn’t there.

 

Kimi didn’t know why but he panicked. He checked each corner as he passed , the toilet door was open and no one was inside he approached the kitchen slowly , Eero was standing looking out at the moon through the glass doors. The same glass doors James and Niki used to watch him, Nico and lauri play outside from.

 

Kimi took a deep breath, if he could make peace with Eero. He could do anything. Maybe he could even heal himself a little. Because he hated no one as much as he hated this man. He wanted to let it go.

 

“Its nice sometimes, to just stop for a moment and really look at things.” Kimi jumped, he was slightly freaked out , how on earth did Eero even know he was there?

 

Eero turned round to look at him, when kimi met his soft brown eyes with hints of blue and green he felt suddenly felt a calm fall upon the room, the air stilled and the ringing in his ears stopped.

 

“Cant sleep kimi?” kimi looked away and scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. Eero felt the pent up tension, like a coil inside kimi which had wound itself so tightly that he couldn’t unwind and it always made him tense and stand off ish. But Eero sensed good vibrations from kimi, kimi was honest, loyal and deeply loving , and he attached himself wholly and completely to people. So he was very susceptible to being hurt. Eero did feel guilt deep inside , a guilt that maybe he had wronged kimi in some way, that he had allowed Nico to get into his head and his heart when nico already belonged to someone else.

 

If it was an apology kimi wanted or needed , Eero could give him that . Even if he wasn’t sorry for falling in love.

 

But it was kimi who apologized

 

“I…about the hospital …well. My head was in a bad place…what I’m trying to say is…” Eero watched kimi struggle, he felt how hard it was for him, he saw the frustration the inability to say things he needed to say when his emotions where pure and came from the heart, when kimi was angry he could speak absolutely fine as Eero had witnessed earlier with aki.

Eero was patient he didn’t look at kimi with that patronizing sympathy most people gave him.

 

“Im sorry” kimi finally said. Eero nodded and looked back out the window, silence fell momentarily.

 

“You know the moon doesn’t shine like that of its own free will. Its borrowing light from the sun, if it didn’t we wouldn’t see it, Sometimes clouds obscure the moon but they always leave again and we see just how wonderful it looks when the sky is still and clear. We see it whole and full “ kimi listened and found himself gazing out at the moon with Eero

 

“ You and Nico, you light each other up. “ kimi looked at Eero who didn’t return his gaze “I was just a cloud in his sky” 

 

Kimi watched the other mans eyes fill with unshed tears and he felt a lump in his throat. Here they where, two men who had fallen in love with the same person and one of then was letting go so the other could have his happiness. Kimi’s hate dissipated, Eero was, as he already knew a good man.

 

As Eero turned to walk away kimi caught himself saying the strangest thing he had ever said in his life, but it somehow made sense to him , so he said it.

 

“I think I prefer to think of you as the star who guided him along the way, your no cloud Eero.”

 

There was no more left to say, they smiled at one another , kimi watched the silent tears fall from eeros eyes, and when Eero was gone he stared at the moon and wished that they both would find happiness.


	127. Beware the broken heart that holds a grudge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Rasmus is back which means Lauri , Aki and Eero are gone. how will this affect the dynamics and relationships of those left behind? And what about poor forgotten Sebastian?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-02-20%20at%2018.26.44.png.html)

 

It was a week before the goodbye. Lauri was still leaving, but he and kimi had decided the knowledge they now possessed didn’t matter in the grand scale of things. They where still brothers and nothing would change that. Aki had moved into the spare room for the week, which was killing kimi but he grin and bared it. James and kimi where once again on bad terms and James obvious heart break at Aki leaving with Lauri was not helping his and Kimis problems. Niki stayed out of it as best he could but he couldn’t deny that a week with Aki was enough to learn that the boy had a good heart and all of James charms but far less stupidity and he was far more intelligent. Still it broke Nikis heart that the boy had James eyes and reminded him so much of the young James, the man niki once had so much trouble allowing himself to like never mind fall In love with.

 

Eero joined Aki in that room a couple of days after his incident having spent most of his time on the floor by the fire. Niki had no trouble at all with Eero in fact he liked him a lot and was very content to care for him and provide him with whatever he needed. Once Eero felt stronger he was helping out around the house like he had always lived there and Kimi no longer hated him , they had come to an understanding and kimi was much more accepting of Eero now.

 

Kimi and Aki didn’t quarrel and in the end Eero thanked kimi for rescuing him and they left it there. Kimi didn’t mention Nico to lauri and neither did james or Niki. Lauri didn’t need anymore on his mind.

 

Then the day finally came, pauli pulled up into the drive and Eero and aki packed the boot of Pauli and Aki’s cars with Lauri’s things.

 

James said farewell to Aki holding him close running his hands through his hair and over his face tears streaking both there cheeks.

 

“Take care of yourself and keep those glasses clean!” James had tried to joke through his tears , aki simply nodded and tried not to sob. He hoped they would see one another again. But life had a funny way of keeping people apart. And Lauri had a funny way of not wanting to return home and Aki couldn’t leave him.

 

When aki Eero and pauli had all filled into the cars. It was time to say farewell to lauri.

 

Niki went first, he held Lauri’s face in his hands and looked deep into those haunting green eyes he only had a few things left to say to his youngest son.

 

“You Come home some day, and remember us. You’re always in my heart. I love you dearly” Niki gently tilted Lauri’s head down and kissed his forehead, lauri could feel the tears from Nikis eyes on his skin. “I love you isa, always” lauri replied in German.

 

When James approached lauri offered his hand, he didn’t think James was going to say any kind of emotional goodbye to him. He was wrong, genuine tears filled his eyes and he hugged lauri . Lauri closed his eyes but didn’t hug James back, it didn’t feel right to him. When they parted James had this to say –

 

“I can never go back and change things. I can only offer you my support and love from this point on and I hope that some day when we meet again things will be very different”

 

lauri smiled “im sure they will be” James took a few steps backwards allowing kimi to move foreword.

 

This was the hardest part. Kimis face was breaking his heart and lauri could barely look at him. Lauri had to speak first because he knew what was coming

 

“Don’t ask me to stay. Please im begging you don’t make this harder for me than it is. I love you, ill call, I promise. you can even come on the road with us if I have time ill come see you race. But I have to go, please understand”

 

Kimi bit his tongue lauri was right he was going to beg him to stay but there was no point . It wasn’t the right thing for his brother.

 

“You better do all you said! Or ill come get you and beat you up!” they both laughed and pulled one another close. This was the easiest relationship either of them had. With kimi everything else was a jumbled mess and for lauri it was a huge traumatic drama but with each other it was simple.

 

“I’m not saying goodbye because it isn’t so ill say good luck and ill hear your voice soon”

 

Lauri beamed at him , kimi always knew the right words even if he was a man of few.

 

“I have a song for you, listen out for it because I wont be telling you which one it is.”

 

Kimi held his hands up and said “wait you cant leave without this!” he rushed into the house and returned with Lauri’s black guitar, Lauri’s eyes lit up instantly. Kimi handed him it and watched him stare lovingly at the instrument. Then lauri handed it back and kimi looked at him confused.

 

“Keep it safe for me? Until I come home” any doubt kimi had that lauri wouldn’t return was wiped permanently from his mind, this simple gesture was his promise , his promise that he had every intention of coming back. Kimi accepted the guitar back.

 

“Ill look after it I promise”

 

Lauri nodded and turned away walking off towards the car aki was driving, Pauli had Eero in the other . Before he got in lauri turned back waved and called to kimi.

 

“Learn to play it!” Kimi smirked and waved back. James held Niki from behind as Niki also waved and the cars left the drive way. And then lauri was gone.

 

The evening was quiet and the house was filled with an air of loss almost as if someone had past away. Kimi couldn’t take it, he informed his fathers that he was going to see Nico. They let him leave there was no point in objecting.

 

Mika and David welcomed him in and he headed straight for Nicos room.

Nico was sat up in bed watching something on tv he didn’t even notice the door creek open. Kimi cleared his throat loudly, which caught his attention.

 

“Kimi?! Hey!” it had been over a week and kimi had almost been dying from his need to see Nico. He approached the bed and slid onto it Nico shuffled over and kimi rested his head on his shoulder. Nico could instantly tell that kimi had, had  a rough day . His skin was pale and his eyes had bags under them. Mika had only given Nico the basic details of events a week ago he hadn’t told him that Eero had crashed at kimis house and he hadn’t told him lauri and kimi where cousins. All he said was there was a drama and that Lauri had run off.

 

“what’s the matter?” Nico cooed caressing kimis scalp. Kimi instantly closed his eyes . This was heaven and finally after everything he felt a little bit of peace return to his world. Kimi had longed for this for years , for longer than he cared to admit. And it should be complicated it shouldn’t be this easy. But it was , it was simple and there was no questions just him and Nico together as always . The way it used to be , the way kimi had always dreamed it was meant to be.

 

Then of course Sebastian had to barge in and spoil it.

 

Sebastian took one look at them both and stormed out of the room slamming the door. Nico frowned, they had a massive argument the night Nico was dropped off and Sebastian had told Nico exactly what he thought of him calling him a ‘selfish self centered ass hole with no consideration for anyone but himself!’ Sebastian had also gone onto say ‘leave kimi alone! Your no good for him he’d be better with me! I love him properly you just fuck with his head! You fuck with everyone’s head! You’re a curse Nico!’

 

And in that moment Nico had found out his little brother was pining for kimi and he had spent a week ill in bed pondering whether or not Sebastian was right and he was a curse to everyone and he would continue to damage all there lives.

 

Nico needed to get something’s out of kimi, there was things he needed to know “kimi…what’s been going on with you a sebby…its fine you can tell me if you slept with him. I just…have to know that’s all”

 

Kimi pulled away and looked at Nico like he had three heads.

 

“Sebastian?! I …Nico! I wouldn’t! hes like…I dunno he’s so young! Why are you asking me? …I know he has a crush on me if that’s what you’re getting at. Hes been a good ..Friend but I haven’t been encouraging him…”

 

Nico shooshed kimi, he believed him . Kimi wasn’t like that he wouldn’t make moves on Sebastian he had to much of a moral conscience.

 

“Its fine , really I was just wondering cause he seems very put out by you and me together” Kimi instantly thought of Lauri and how upset his own brother would be about this but instead of voicing that thought kimi shrugged , he knew seb wouldn’t like this but what could he do? He didn’t want to hurt the kid, he did care for him and he had slightly entertained the thought of one day them, having a relationship but now he and Nico finally had  there chance so that wasn’t going to happen.

 

“He will be ok…wont he?” Nico nodded

 

“I think so, kids get crushes. Im sure he will be fine, anyway how’s lauri?” kimi’s shoulders fell and he looked away.

 

“He left. This morning to go on tour. It was…. the most difficult goodbye I have ever had to make” Nico moved foreword to wrap his arms round kimi. He had always been jealous of Lauri and his place in Kimis heart but he knew Kimis love was different for Lauri , Lauri was his brother . This time instead of ignoring Kimis pain Nico knew he had to comfort him despite the fact deep down he was slightly glad Lauri was gone.

 

“shhh its ok, hell come back. He loves you” kimi held Nicos hand which was resting on his chest.

 

“Anyways, what was up with you? Why where you so sick?”

 

Nicos face went red and he unwrapped himself from kimi.

“Don’t get mad with me. I had to do something. They kept telling me I was still to heavy for the car…”

 

Kimi didn’t follow, what did Nico mean to heavy for the car?

 

“I trained but…you know regulations are different in formula 2 . I just wasn’t loosing the weight. So I bought these pills…they work by making you…. throw up, a lot. Don’t get angry ok , mika already almost killed me for it. I wont touch them every again I swear”

 

Kimi brought his hand to his forehead . He couldn’t believe this. How stupid was Nico? Those pills could have had any number of side effects, he could have killed himself!

 

Kimi took a deep breath; mika had handled it he didn’t need to shout at Nico. He should just let it go. But of course kimi couldn’t.

 

“Do not ever and I mean EVER take anything like that again. Do you understand?” Nico could practically feel the furry in kimis voice

 

“Look I said I wouldn’t ok! Lets not fight. Please” kimi rolled his eyes and fell back onto the bed Nico resumed massaging his scalp.

 

“Thank you” Nico murmured and kimi hummed in response.

 

At some point kimi had drifted asleep secure in Nicos arms . Nico lay awake just gazing at him and inhaling the sweet smell of his skin and hair. Why hadn’t they done this years ago? Why was Nico such a mess up? It didn’t matter now, kimi was here and that was all he needed.

 

Across the hall a young boys heart was sinking, Sebastian sat with his back to the door and couldn’t hold in the tears. He sobbed and chocked, he thought he had a chance, kimi trusted him even lauri trusted him, lauri would never trust Nico. Didn’t that mean something to kimi? Niki, James, mika , David even Nicos biological father keke knew Nico was trouble . They all knew he couldn’t possibly have a relationship without drama.

 

Nico never knew about Eero almost drowning, Sebastian had been firmly warned not to tell him but Sebastian didn’t care. He would do everything to break them up. Nico was not the one for kimi; Sebastian would not allow kimi to fall victim to Nico again. He tightened his firsts and swore he would make kimi see sense even if it took him years.

 

He would start with Lauri, he knew kimis brother had left but he also knew how to find him, after all , years ago when Niki and James first needed to track him down it was Sebastian who knew exactly what tour venue the band was playing at. He found them once, he’d do it again and when Lauri fell out with kimi over Nico it would force kimi to see some kind of sense for Sebastian knew and accepted something that Nico never could, Lauri was the most important person in Kimis life and Nico would never compare.


	128. still standing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day has come , Kimi's first proper race . But hes not as ready as he would like to be ...

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/kimi6epa_2070083i.jpg.html)

It was the 3rd of March 2002. Kimis first race with McLaren and his first proper formula 1 debut. Australia was scorching. Niki and James would be landing at the air port just before the race.

 

Kimi had been there four days already and was bored, miserable, pissed off and was hating the heat. Already his demeanor was all over the press, the interviews where totally not interesting to him but people already loved him! He had no idea why, he was greatly puzzled by the media frenzy and strange people holding ‘kimi #no1’ signs. After all he hadn’t actually won a race yet. It was just testing…. but he figured it all had a lot to do with James hunt and Niki lauda his famous fathers having been McLaren world champions. A lot was expected of him.

 

Nico and he had been together for almost a month. lauri was gone barely a week before kimi moved back to Switzerland , he knew he was breaking niki’s heart but him and James were not getting along anymore and it was clear James missed Aki. So kimi left and he took Nico with him, much to mika and David’s dismay. There was already something troubling kimi about his and Nicos otherwise good relationship. Nico wouldn’t sleep with him. His excuse -

 

_‘Its to soon. I’m not ready, Please don’t push me’_

 

Kimi bit his tongue . He didn’t want to bring up Eero or think about the fact that Nico might compare him to Eero in bed. Instead kimi left things as they where. But inside he was furious, was he not good enough? Was he not worthy of Nico?

 

Nico wasn’t un affectionate , in fact he lavished a lot of attention on kimi. It just felt a little cold without the sex, but that made kimi feel even worse. Was he so awful for longing to just ravish Nico? Maybe that’s not how Nico liked things…but how would kimi ever know what he liked? These where the thoughts that ran through his head during the interviews making his eyes seem glazed over and distant.

 

He didn’t have time for it now though as the race was in 6 hours and he didn’t have any kind of confirmation that Lauri would attend that had been playing on his mind since his troubled younger brother left his life again. He felt sick and didn’t even want to get into the car. So many faces filled his minds eye, but always he was haunted by those green eyes. That may be another reason why Nico was distant …all Kimi did was pine for Lauri and talk about wanting the ‘old days back’. Maybe it was to much for Nico? Maybe Kimi should shut up….

 

Finally after the early press calls, and the sea of flash photography kimi was able to sit alone before his de brief and Niki walked through the door with James.

 

Instantly kimi smiled.

 

“isa!!” Niki through his arms round him and kissed the side of his face repeatedly normally kimi would pull away embarrassed instead he scrunched up his face awkwardly which made James laugh.

 

“Big day for our big man!” James seemed unusually lighthearted and relaxed so kimi decided he would go with that. There was no use fighting today , today he needed things to be normal. Or as normal as they could be… No drama.

 

“Are you nervous kimister?” Niki sat next to him at the back of the garage in his little private box room. Kimi shook his head, he wasn’t that nervous about the race. He just hated all the attention and felt awkward and judged.

“I’m…I don’t like them all looking at me and asking me stupid things.” James smirked. Typical kimi.

 

“I know, but hey just use your cold sarcastic charm and maybe they get the hint” Niki winked at him. Kimi smiled a little. He doubted they’d be leaving him alone any time soon!

 

The room went silent for a few moments before kimi decided he had question he wanted answered.

 

“he’s not coming is he?” Niki rubbed kimis back soothingly. And James took his hand.

 

“No son. I don’t think so” James said softly. Kimi nodded. He knew it. But it didn’t make it sting any less. Lauri wouldn’t be there. Kimi was slightly devastated but he tried not to show it.

 

James fished in his pocket for something, which caught kimis attention and distracted him.

 

“Here” James placed something in his hand and curled his fingers round it before kimi could look at what it was.

 

“To keep you safe. Even if he’s not here in person he’s still here with you. He didn’t send a written reply when we wrote but he did send this. I know he wants you to have this for a reason ” kimi opened his hand. It was a plectrum. A very frayed black one with an ‘L’ in the middle. 

 

“I used to race with a tiny Austrian flag sewn into my gloves. Niki would never admit this any other time but he used to have my over alls under his. We all have something with us, something …not for luck but for courage. ‘Sisu’ in Finnish, I think the most appropriate person to go out there with you today is your brother”

 

Kimi let his eyes well up and he leaned into James who cradled him like a lost child rocking him gently. Of course kimi was scarred, he had to be . But he wasn’t as heartbroken now that he knew lauri had at least thought of him. And that James and not Niki had finally stepped up to comfort him.

 

The hours rolled on and then kimi was alone again. In the back of the garage. tv cameras from various worldwide stations entering in and out of the garages to get a glimpse of the drivers. He slipped Lauri’s plectrum into his glove . Took a deep breath and pulled his helmet on. He spied Fernando Alonso who gave him  a thumbs up kimi barely nodded . Jenson Button and Mark Webber passed soon after and Kimi had an awful flashback to that night in the club , the night he first met Aki and beat him senseless. Kimi shook his head he didn’t need that memory just now.

 

Niki and James watched from the side as there son got into the cockpit of the car. James had to hold Niki to support him as he started shaking. They’d seen there son race before , but this was it. He would be out there with the big boys. Niki hoped he was ready. He was still so young.

 

The cars took their places on the start grid. The roaring of engines filled kimis ears despite the soundproofing in his helmet. The smells filled his nostrils. Burning rubber, engine fumes, oil, fresh tarmac, the humid air. He had to remember to look at the lights. Not to look ahead just yet. He kept telling himself over and over ‘look at the lights, don’t look on front. Concentrate on the lights’ he had qualified fifth and was just out of line with the front three. If he just didn’t look at them and concentrated on a good start he would be ok. Strategy, he needed to remember his strategy.

 

The colors started to change , red- _“ow shit , ow shit”_

 

Amber – _“ok I gotta do this! isa , lauri, nico.. This is for you.”_

 

Green – kimi hit the button to accelerate on his wheel , the car sprung to life. The tires smoked against the tar mac and his right front wheel locked then unlocked and before he knew it he had dived through a gap between forth and third and had taken forth position for himself.

 

The tails of the top three cars where on front of him, he could practically run into the gear box of the third car, he had to be careful the apex came quicker than expected, the right front locked again after fifteen laps. He made a mental note of it , he would need to inform his engineers. Now wasn’t the time to worry third place was within his grasp. He had to stay focused he had to stay strong. The G force was killing his neck, he should have trained harder . Also he felt he was to heavy in the car , more weight had to come off. Another mental note was made, he would inform Marc Arnell to increase his training.

 

His old team mate Juan Pablo was ahead in the Williams , Schumacher was first. That was to be expected. Kimi just had to take out his teammate David coulthard. He was sure David wouldn’t like it but he didn’t care as soon as opportunity presented itself kimi pushed past him. They where wheel to wheel but David moved aside sensing kimi was quicker . Kimi would thank him later.

 

The last lap was upon him, he was third as long as he could hold on he would finish on podium. His first race…on the podium. It was almost a dream.

 

Niki was holding James hand and arm so hard James knew he was cutting off his blood supply.

 

“James… James hes third! Fucking hell kimi is third, James are you seeing this!” Niki was ranting in a mix of English and German and James was besides himself with laughter at one point.

 

“yes Niki dear I’m watching exactly what your watching! And your killing my arm darling!!!” Niki ignored him and didn’t let go but did loosen his grip a little.

 

Both Niki and James where watching from the commentators box. Nico was watching from Kimi’s garage biting his bottom lip so hard it started to bleed. That was his man out there, his kimi…finally.

 

As kimi neared the finish line he felt the plectrum press against his palm. As the car sped over the line out of the corner of his vision he thought he saw someone with raven black hair amongst the crowds. But he couldn’t have, the car was going to fast and there was no way he would make out one single person. But kimi silently convinced himself lauri had been there. And when he slipped his gloves off in the driver room the little ‘L’ had imprinted itself into his sweaty palm. Kimi smiled to himself. Juan, second place and Schumacher , first place. Congratulated him with handshakes and some slightly unwelcome hugging.

 

Kimi stood there, third. The voices wringing in his ears , the champagne blurring his vision and soaking his face and hair as they sprayed him and he attacked them back. And again he thought far bellow the podium past the proud faces of his fathers and men he had knew and admired for years such as Peterson, Stewart and hakkinen, he once again spotted black raven hair . But the person disappeared into the crowd as quickly as they appeared. Then kimi saw Nico, tears of joy in his eyes. Jumping elated, arms in the air.

 

Inside kimi was doing backflips. It was one of the best days of his life.

 

He looked down at the palm of his hand and the fading mark.

 

 _“Thank you brother”_ kimi said into himself.

 


	129. Careful what you wish for...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reality of life with Nico may already be hitting Kimi hard. Sebastian makes some dirty dealings , and some old and faces return.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202014-08-08%20at%2013.37.21.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_na7pz8qXBG1rhdscco1_500.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_ndadcwtagE1qhn3a6o8_1280.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/w03sea.jpg.html)

 

Sebastian was testing with Torro Rosso and Nico was fuming. How could his younger brother beat him into formula 1?!

 

Kimi’s amassing success was short lived in there household as Nico ranted and raved down the phone in German to Keke about how it this was an insult to him Kimi heard the anger in his voice as he claimed that they never supported his racing and his dream the same way they supported Sebastian. Kimi understood very little of what was going on despite Niki’s attempts to teach him German, Niki’s Austrian dialect was to different and he would never get his ear round how Nico spoke.

 

The whole drama had erupted the very day after Kimi’s win.  They had partied the night before and he had woken up with a very pleasant hang over whereas Nico was a bit of a wreck having made himself the life and soul of the party. Niki and James where disgusted watching him practically give kimi a lap dance and then proceed to strip his shirt of and dance on the tables.

 

Mika promptly left with David to embarrassed to stay and watch. Sebastian had not turned up to support kimi, kimi didn’t expect him to. Then after they both had showered and settled down to watch tv that morning the phone rang, Keke was bursting with pride as he told Nico the news , and then Nico erupted. Kimi sat there on the couch his elation from the day before slipping away. he felt almost as if the walls where closing in as Nico screamed and shouted down the phone pacing the floor. Kimi needed air, he wanted to leave. He thought about driving to Niki and James hotel…

 

Sebastian walked the streets of Helsinki gazing at the sky. He had secured his future in Formula 1 . He should be at home calling everyone , celebrating waiting for Keke to arrive and mika and David from Australia to congratulate him . Instead he had left the house for the city after only calling keke (because he knew Keke would immediately tell Nico and Sebastian secretly hoped his brother was very pissed off) .

 

The news of his offer to sign with the team was unexpected and he didn’t know what to feel. He hadn’t let go of his anger towards Nico and he still fully intended to make kimi open his eyes. But after the month of them being together Sebastian’s heart was heavy and he was tired of crying and exhausted from the long sleepless nights.

 

The cool air felt amassing against his skin. He recalled his snow fight with kimi when lauri was in hospital and how it felt to have that sturdy body against his own. As he walked he wondered why the world was so cruel. Why good men ended up in poisonous relationships blind to those who truly loved them. He stopped outside one of the more grungy looking bars. He didn’t fit in here, this wasn’t his kind of neighborhood still something pulled him inside.

 

The bar man eyed him curiously.

 

“lost kid?” Sebastian shook his head and perched on one of the stools. The bar tender smirked, Sebastian didn’t see what was so funny.

 

“Go home baby, mummy and daddy must be worried this is no place for you to play” Sebastian pulled his I.D out of his pocket.

 

“I’m of age and I want a beer , do your job and shut your mouth. Or do they pay you to turn away customers?”

 

The bar tender was about to give Sebastian a serious mouth full when some one burst out laughing. It was the creepiest laughter Sebastian had ever heard and it made the hairs on his arms stand on end. He looked round and his breath caught. It was Lauri…but it wasn’t. The stranger had similar features but less welcoming , his face was thinner than Lauri’s and he looked older. He started to clap slowly.

 

“I like this one! Get him that beer put it on our tab” the bar tender huffed and poured Sebastian a pint. The liquid was a stranger amber color and it wasn’t his usual but he didn’t object .

 

The stranger moved closer “I know you” he said blowing smoke into Sebastian’s face , seb coughed and waved his hand.

 

“Good for you.” Seb replied taking another long drink of his beer. It was a bitterer brew than what he was used to but it did the job of quieting his brain as the alcohol coursed pleasantly through his blood stream.

 

“Strong stuff that, your drinking it like soda!” two other men in he corner laughed. Sebastian was not enjoying this he felt like some piece of prime new meat on show for everyone. He finished his drink and considered leaving. Then he remembered. Kimi, Lauri, cousins, Lauri had a blood brother…somewhere. Sebastian suddenly put two and two together and made four.

 

“I know you to” he said without thinking. The stranger blew more smoke his way and his expression grew darker.

 

“well well, a fanboy how nice. Maybe we should have some fun” Sebastian stood from his stool and faced the guy.

 

“I don’t think so, and by the way I know where lauri is headed “ Sebastian watched as the strangers expression turned to one of shock. He couldn’t help the smirk on his face as he walked away . Instantly he knew he was being followed as he made his way through the ally towards the main streets. He stopped abruptly and turned , there about a meter away the stranger also stopped and for a moment they just stared at one another. The stranger approached slowly  until he stood mere inches from Sebastian.

 

“no games. What do you want” Sebastian smiled, this must be his lucky day.

 

“What can you do” Sebastian asked not a hint of sarcasm in his voice. This time the stranger smirked, he looked pretty evil and Sebastian wasn’t sure he knew exactly what he was messing with but he was willing to find out.

 

“You tell me where I can find Lauri. I’ll do whatever you like little man”

 

Sebastian ignored the last statement

 

“There is someone I want taken care of” the stranger laughed, Sebastian really didn’t like that noise.

“I don’t kill people kid” Sebastian grinned wickedly

 

“ow killing him would be to easy, no no I want to destroy him” Sebastian watched the man consider the proposal

 

“Im listening” he replied and they walked off back to the bar together.

 

Sebastian failed to notice the other presence in the ally way , they where not alone and hidden away in one of the door ways was a young finn with dreams of getting into formula 1 and a huge admiration for Kimi, and in that moment a young valtteri bottas assumed the worst for his idol and decided he had to get into the sport at all costs to save kimi from Sebastian.

 

Nico had stormed out without warning leaving kimi with a simple ‘I need air’ and kimi watched the door slam behind him. Kimi picked up the first object on the table, which so happened to be a large glass mug and threw it full force at the wall, he watched as it shattered in a million pieces and he screamed in frustration. It was all going wrong already, nothing could ever just work out for him there always needed to be drama.

 

He picked up his coat and left as well , Nicos car was gone kimi didn’t feel like driving anyway he started to walk briskly in the direction of the hills. After around an hour a car started to drive slowly next to him , the window was rolled down and the horn blown at him a couple of times to get him to stop. Kimi kept walking he didn’t care who it was he didn’t have time for them.

 

“hey , hey …..” kimi kept walking “ is no wonder is he has no friends!” the strong accent cut through the air.

 

“Mate slow the fuck down and get in the car” Alonso and Webber , the last thing kimi needed. Kimi continued to ignore them. They continued to follow him.

 

Then mark started to sing at the top of his lungs “I SAW YOUR BOYFRIEND WITH A BLACK GUY , OLAY OLAY, HE WAS WASTED WITH A BLACK GUY OLAY OLAY”

 

Kimi stopped abruptly and forced his hand through the window and over marks mouth. Fernando stopped the car.

 

“right ok! Stop now this is stupid! Just get in kimi!” Kimi removed his hand so mark could breath again.

 

“fuck sake mate! Are all finns so fucking violent!” Fernando rolled his eyes “jus get in kimi , please”

 

 Kimi growled at Mark who threw his hands up in mock surrender and reluctantly got into the back of the car.

 

Great Nico was probably already wasted, and who was this black guy? Was he fucking around on kimi already?? Kimi put his head in his hands , Fernando gazed in his mirror and saw the dejected looking finn he nudged mark.

 

“Speak to him!” he hissed sharply under his breath.

 

Mark glanced into the back seat and felt pity for there new companion.

 

“mate hes just drunk, and Lewis is his formula 2 team mate , he called jenson cause Nico was becoming a hand full, jens called me and Fernando knows where you live . Its no big deal chill out . Don’t worry about it!”

 

Kimi leaned back into the seat and gazed out the window. So was this to be his life? Juggling Formula 1 and Nicos erratic behavior?

 

Just then Fernando turned the radio on , and a familiar voice burst through the speakers . Fernando made a face and changed the station kimi lunged foreword and changed it back almost making Fernando swerve the car.

 

It was a German accent but the interview was in English

 

“yes im of course very happy to be entering formula 1! Its my dream I shall do my best for the team and progress quickly!”

 

“Fucking more Germans, fuck that mate!” Fernando laughed and said something Spanish which mark obviously understood leaving kimi lost in translation.

 

He sat back and huffed, great he’d be babysitting Sebastian soon he knew it . David would ask him to ‘keep an eye out for him’ and mika would beg kimi to ‘go easy on him , show him the ropes’ and that would freak Nico out majorly.

 

They drove to the nearest city and Fernando pulled up outside one of the clubs . It was filling up with men …a gay bar. Kimi felt instantly uncomfortable. Then instantly furious, Nico had him now . After all those years of pinning , hurt and drama they had one another and yet Nico had hauled up in this place? Kimi jumped out of the car and stared to march off in the other direction. Fernando got out and followed.

 

“Hey! Hey amigo! Slow down!” Kimi walked quicker making Fernando sprint after him.

 

“Hey!” Fernando caught his shoulder and kimi shrugged him off violently. Fernando put his hands up

 

“look, we is helping ya? Nico needs you. He is no listening to anyone. Hes mad about something, lewis cant get him out of the bathroom! Come on kimi, go get him…”

 

Kimi didn’t want to listen, he didn’t want involved. But if Nico was just wasted and angry about Sebastian…then things weren’t so bad…where they?  Kimi gave in and followed Fernando back to the club.

 

Kimi loved partying and clubs where always his thing. But this place…this gave him the creeps. He made straight for the bathroom. Where for the first time he encountered Lewis Hamilton and instantly he disliked him. Lewis was crouched outside one of the cubicles beginning Nico to come out.

 

“Nico stop being such a bitch! Come on man! Fuck sake!”

 

Lewis turned when he heard the bathroom doors open. The young dark skinned male rose and looked over at kimi his eyes went slightly wide like he was in shock. Then he approached slowly and offered his hand.

 

“wow, would like to have met you on track but uhm…hey im Lewis Hamilton” kimi didn’t take his hand and glanced suspiciously at him before simply saying.

 

“kimi Raikkonen” and walking past him to the cubicle he hit the door with his fist making Lewis Fernando and mark wince. And he barked at Nico in Finnish.

 

“get the fuck out right now! Im sick of this!”  Nico drew his knees to his chest and ignored Kimi. Kimi could break the door down for all he cared , he was done. No one supported his dream; it was always all about seb. The tears streamed down his face . He hated his life. Even having Kimi all to himself hadn’t healed him. He thought that it would, but then again he hadn’t even slept with kimi.  There was something very wrong with him, he needed help.

 

Therapy…Nico sat and stared at the wall across from him. Yes, he needed therapy and so did Kimi. Maybe they could go together? He shook his head , no. Kimi needed anger therapy that was different. What Nico needed was to change, he needed a psychologist ….the thought terrified him.

 

The sound of kimi battering the door seemed to fade out into the background as he focused on the wall. Eventually the latch gave in and the door swung open hitting him in side. He winced in pain but didn’t stand up.  He must have looked pathetic with all those drivers staring at him but it didn’t matter. Water started to rush in his ears as Kimi ducked his head un ceremoniously under a tap then all he could see was black then strange trippy rays of sunlight .

 

Someone was talking but he was to far gone lost in his trance, there was ice and he felt cold, the lake. He had gone back there so many times in his dreams. But it didn’t feel like him this time. maybe he was seeing kimi? No…dark hair, dark eyes ….Eero. Eero was drowning. Nico couldn’t breath. Suddenly Kimi was lifting him into his arms and running with him. Then the cold tarmac of the street hit his back and someone screaming

 

“Breath! Breath!”

 

The last Nico remembered was icy grey eyes and a thousand hands shaking him.

 

Then he woke up.

 


	130. the face inside is right beneath your skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi has seen red many times, is he capable of even more aweful things than before...

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/kimi%20raikkonen3.jpg.html)

 

There was the soft sound of breathing next to Nico, he turned his head slowly. Kimi was on his back facing away from him his bare chest rising and falling slowly the light through their bay windows shimmering across his pale skin. Nico took a breath, maybe it was all a bad dream?  But when he moved his head it ached and he was wearing the same clothes he had left home in the day before.

 

Kimi stirred and mumbled in his sleep his head lulling to the side so Nico could now see his face. He smiled to himself, gently he reached over and let his finger tips dance across kimis perfect features. This had been the image of so many of his dreams, waking to Kimi’s peaceful face.

 

“hey you” kimi didn’t wake , Nico leaned in and whispered gently “I’m sorry kimi, I’m going to change . Ill be the man you deserve I swear. I love you so much”

 

Kimi mumbled again and Nico moved a few inches away so he could just look at him. He seemed in a deep sleep and he was dreaming. Nico stroked his hair gently.

 

“What are you dreaming of? Hmm? Where do you go when I can’t be with you?” 

 

In truth Kimi didn’t have ‘dreams’ they where more ‘hazy memories’ that came back to him when he closed his eyes. He remembered back to a time before Lauri, he wasn’t even sure if what he was seeing was real. At that point he was an only child, lonely but spoiled. And his whole little world was Nico. Nico was everything and he just always wanted to be with him. He saw sleepovers, bath times together, sick days on the couch from to much ice cream. Nicos mothers gently voice as she read them bedtime stories. Then everything would descend into chaos , the lake, the fights with aki, lauri in pain, the hospital rooms, Sebastian’s sad eyes and warm smile. And before he woke he saw the lifeless body of Eero laid out on the ice his lips blue his hair soaking . Kimi shot up right in bed startling Nico.

 

He brought his hands to his face and back through his hair, blinking erratically. Nico sat up slowly and held his shoulders.

 

“Hey , are you alright?” Nico ran his hands up and down kimi’s biceps. Ironic how the evening before kimi was pulling Nicos drunken ass out of a club and now Nico was the concerned one.

 

Kimi looked Nico over. He hadn’t striped him the night before because Nico may have freaked out and thought kimi had taken advantage of him in his drunken state.

 

There was something not right between them. Suddenly it seemed Nicos time spent with Eero started to pay off. He started to feel kimi and see his energy. Everything felt static and charged and almost like things where about to erupt. Nicos idea from the previous evening came back to him. He needed help.

 

“ kimi. We need to talk” kimi rolled his eyes and fell back onto the bed. He knew it. He knew it was all to good to be true , Nico wasn’t happy , it was over again before it even started.

 

Nico shuffled up the bed and knelt next to kimi gazing down at him.

 

“Kimi come on, don’t be like that! I just want to talk, about …what we can do to make things better between us.” Kimi looked up at him his jaw clenched, Nico knew he wasn’t in the mood for this but he went ahead with his proposal regardless

 

 “ There’s so much hanging in the air, we haven’t moved past everything” Kimis expression was unreadable  “ I was thinking maybe I’d see a therapist…I don’t need your permission, I have already decided I just wanted to let you know and also I need…your support. And some patience”

 

Kimi sat up again and looked at Nico almost in shock. Patience? Had Nico just ask him to be patient? What exactly did Nico think he had spent the best part of his entire life doing? Kimi saw red. Without a word he got up and went to the bathroom slamming the door.

 

Nico yelled after him “you need some fucking help as well asshole! Storming around slamming doors! Hitting people, or don’t you remember striking your own precious brother!! Perfect Lauri! Remember his face covered in blood! That day in the car part after you beat his lover to within a inch of his life!” Nico knew he should stop, but he didn’t….

 

 “ and what about Eero! Raising that pole over his head and you would have brought it down kimi I know you would! At least I am not capable of killing someone!!”

 

The bathroom door swung back open and Nico had never been so terrified in all his life as kimi approached him like a raged animal . He jumped off the bed but kimi blocked the doorway to the living room. Nico backed away trembling.

 

Kimi caught him by the throat and forced him onto the bed . Nico chocked and whimpered kimi grabbed his shoulders and forced him into a lying position.

 

“I didn’t mean that! kimi don’t…please!”   Kimi held him down with one hand, Nico stared deep into his eyes , they where kimi’s eyes but kimi wasn’t there. Nico remembered that look the same vacant expressionless eyes from the car park when kimi continued hitting Aki long after he had lost consciousness , the same look kimi had when he had beaten Eero , Nico was terrified .

 

Kimi tore his shirt open and forced his head back grabbing fistfuls of his hair.

 

“No, please…please kimi don’t do this” kimi’s grip in his hair tightened and Nico screamed in pain. Kimi slipped his hand between Nicos legs grabbing him and squeezing tightly. Nicos cry was blood curdling then kimi let go and got off him.

 

Suddenly the haze dropped from kimis vision and all he could see was the devastation he had once again caused. Nico was curled up on the bed on his side whimpering and crying. His scalp was burning and the pain between his legs made him feel like wrenching.

 

Kimi looked down at his hands. Nicos words echoed in his ears. _“at least im not capable of killing someone!”_ kimi hadn’t just tried to kill Nico, what kimi had started doing was worse. Kimi ran to the bathroom and threw up violently.  He was shaking and when he caught his reflection in the mirror he didn’t see himself.

 

Hours passed, kimi knelt in silence by the toilet and Nico remained curled up on the bed. His sobbing had subsided long ago and now it was just silence between them. Kimi eventually got up , Nico didn’t move a muscle as he heard the padding of footsteps and he knew kimi had left the room. In the silence he heard the dialing of the phone. Kimi was calling someone. Gently Nico rose of the bed and timidly approached the doorway he looked into the living room and could see kimi’s silhouette the phone raised to his ear.

 

“yes, I want to report an assault” Nico’s heart jumped into his throat.

 

“It was me. I’m reporting myself” the police, kimi had called the police. Nico didn’t think he darted forward grabbed the phone and hit the cancel button.

 

Nico grabbed the sides of kimi face and shook his head at him fresh tears staining his cheeks.

 

“No” kimi pushed him away and reached for the phone again. Nico slapped his hand away violently and with all his strength brought the back of his hand across kimis face. 

 

Kimi had bit his lip unintentionally and when he turned to face Nico he was bleeding.

 

“To late” kimi said all emotion void from his voice “they can trace the number, they will be here soon”

 

“Ill deny it” Nico stated plainly.

 

“Your word against mine, and remember I have a record” if kimi was threatening him it was working. Nico decided he had to switch tactics. His crying didn’t work, and being cold didn’t either. What always did work on kimi, guilt tripping him?

 

“So after everything you’ve put me through, after everything we’ve been through. You’d abandon me now? And im willing to forgive you. Forgive you for…for what you just did, you selfish bastard. How could you!” Nico couldn’t help it the lies poured of his tongue of there own free will, he couldn’t believe he was doing it again, making everything kimis fault . As the words left his mouth they tasted like poison. Suddenly the sirens sounded in the distance getting closer and closer the blue and red spiraling lights filled there dark living room. Kimi saw the panic in Nicos eyes like a rabbit caught in head lights.

 

“Sorry Nico, it wont work this time. I deserve this. You know I do”

 

There was battering at the door. Kimi turned away and Nico grabbed him.

 

“Don’t do this you fool! Your career, your life! You’re throwing it all away! Kimi please!” kimi shook him off and walked towards the door. Nico was desperate now, nothing was working.

 

“Think of Lauri!” kimi stopped, Nico finally breathed he had hit the right nerve

 

“he needs you…” Nico had to think of more than that, “he was at the race” another lie. The perfect solution, lie to kimi. “I saw him, he came kimi. He was there for you.” The look in kimis eyes broke him. Nico told himself he was doing this to save kimi. In reality all he was doing was ripping a new scar in there relationship.

 

Kimi walked foreword slowly, the fact he himself thought he had seen his brother meant his rational brain wasn’t kicking in and his emotional side was forcing him to believe Nico. The battering on the door intensified.

 

“you…you saw him? ..you didn’t tell me” Nico looked away, kimi saw guilt in reality Nico was trying to avoid being caught out.

 

“Open up or we will take the door down!” a rough voice called from outside.

 

Nico stripped off his ripped clothes and hid them under the couch cushion.

 

“I’m sorry about Lauri we can discuss it later yeah? Just do as I say! Please, please ill handle this” Nico brought a shaky hand to kimis face and caressed his now bruised cheek.

 

Nico opened the door and three male cops plus two females entered. They looked all round the living room, there gaze finally falling on Kimi.

 

Then they looked Nico over then back to kimi. One of the females noticed the blood streaming from kimis lip.

 

“Who called?” she asked looking between them both. Kimi noted how utterly calm and collected Nico suddenly seemed just like back at the hotel in Norway all those years ago when he had lied to the receptionist and gotten himself and kimi  a hotel room.

 

“He did, I’m sorry we wasted your time. Feel free to fine us. We’ve had bit of a domestic and kimi considers shoving me assault! however as you can see I give as good as I get!”

 

The male officers all seemed suddenly uncomfortable faced with both Nico and kimi topless. The two female officers took from the situation exactly what Nico wanted them to. A little tiff between male lovers .

 

They both where blushing. Thankfully cops are sworn to secrecy when it comes to celebrities and they can always be paid to keep things quiet. And without any more intense questioning they left and told Nico and kimi they would indeed be fined for wasting police time but that it wouldn’t go on record. Nico smiled curtly and thanked them. He waited until the cars had sped away before he collapse onto his knees on the floor .

 

Moments later kimi knelt next to him , he wanted to touch Nico but after everything he couldn’t bring himself to .

 

“Im sorry” he whispered his voice hitching . Was kimi going to cry? Nico wasn’t sure he could take that.

 

“It was my fault, I pushed you. I’m getting help, I promise this wont happen anymore”

 

Nico could feel kimis breath on his skin.

 

“ill never hurt you again” kimi was crying, Nico could hear it in his voice. Nico believed him there was something there in the way kimi said it.

 

“Will you get help as well?” Nico hoped his plea wouldn’t fall on deaf ears.

 

“yeah” kimi replied, Nico smiled and finally turned to look at him. The blood was smeared on his chin and his eyes looked red a puffy. He looked like that boisterous little boy who used to get filthy outside in the mud and skin his knees and cheeks rolling around in the woods.

 

Nico placed a hand on his shoulder “we’ll be ok kimi. We can fix this”

 

Deep down kimi wasn’t so sure but he nodded regardless. They had to try. Even if there relationship ended, there friendship deserved more.

 

 


	131. Education and war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico and Kimi work hard to settle there feud once and for all. Meanwhile Sebastian is waging war , but does he really know what he is doing?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202014-10-15%20at%2023.53.57.png.html)

For kimi therapy was once again very successful but his season was not . He managed to completely bring his anger down after re commencing sessions with Mark his physio, to the point where he was so laid back he was almost horizontal. And non of it involved drugs, much to kimis delight and surprise. Mark was 100% positive medication was not the answer even after Kimi had sought the advice of three different doctors hoping he had a condition that could be treated. They all agreed his problems where deeply physiological, he needed strong intense therapy.  so he worked through it all with mark his personal trainer, the only person he trusted enough to keep things under wraps. Mark also upped his training regime significantly pulling kimi away from Nico and his new home life at every opportunity. Making him run, jog, swim and do weights.

 

For Nico therapy was a huge slap in the face , his physiologist identified almost instantly his self centered selfish nature and ability to lie and deceive. Nico was warned not to sleep with kimi as a sympathy act. For his own physiological well being and kimis , Nico was also told to set a date to consummate the relationship, if that was his intention and to no longer string his partner along. and if the date came and passed and nothing happened he was firmly advised that he and kimi should no longer pursue an intimate relationship with one another and instead work on a friendship OR cut ALL ties for good.

 

It was clear that most of their issues had intertwined and stemmed from the same experiences they shared as children but these shared experiences had affected them differently. Kimi had developed an explosive almost drug induced rage where he would slip away and not realize what he was doing, Nico had become a selfish deceptive self centered compulsive liar.

 

By mid season Nico hadn’t set the date yet. He and kimi still to discuss things together regarding there relationship. The season was clearly driving Kimi mad and although he wasn’t prone to angry outbursts he was visibly depressed.

 

After his monumental 3rd place win, (he was also told he had the fastest lap of that race )Everything went down hill.

 

In Malaysia he retired – the engine died.

In Brazil he was 12th – he couldn’t meet his fathers eyes after that race.

Four races after that he retired because the car either died or something fell off the thing.

In Canada he seemed back on form with 4th

Then his hopes where raised in Germany as he once again came 3rd

 

Then at Silverstone, devastation. Juan Pablo lost control of the Williams kimi saw it skidding towards him, if he veered right he’d hit Alonso. Kimi put his foot down the car skidded and turned on his axis this allowed Alonso through safely and kimi hoped the imminent impact wouldn’t be so bad. Juans car collided into the side of his. Everything seemed to run in slow motion, the car impacted the barriers Juans car veered off down the track and hit Webber and the younger of the Schumacher brothers Ralf.  Kimi had been momentarily knocked unconscious. There was utter carnage on track and Martials running around everywhere.

 

Nico watched with Niki and James, the two finally accepting of his place in their sons life. Unaware of the personal struggles the both men faced at home. Kimi put on a brave face for them and Nico played along. Niki spotted the accident long before it happened, intuition. He knew the direction juan was heading when he lost control and he knew his son was in the firing line.

 

‘he is going to hit kimi…” Niki had gasped, and moments later the three witnessed the collision. Nico sprung off Niki and James racing after him. By the time they reached the trackside, red flags where out, the race had been stopped. Webber was carried off to hospital, juan was surprisingly ok. And kimi was sat track side gasping for air paramedics trying to get him answer mundane questions like “do you remember your name?” , his whole body was shaking from he shock of what had just happened to him. Niki forced Nico out of the way and darted past him.

 

“Kimi!!!” kimi looked up and felt relief wash over him as Niki approached .

 

“im ok,” he said instantly “im ok isa , im fine. Just …just sore and …scared, is everyone else all right? Did I hit anyone??”

 

Niki pulled kimi into his arms, James grabbed them both pulling them close. When they let go kimi put out his hand which Nico took and held tightly.

 

“hey”  Nico smiled and fought to hold back his emotions.

 

“Hey yourself” all that mattered was that kimi was ok. He spent the afternoon in hospital but despite bruising everything else was fine.

 

Once home Kimi sat with Nicos head in his lap and gazed at the phone. Nico could read his mind.

 

“he’s not gonna call kimi, he probably didn’t even watch the race. He wont know you had an accident” kimi was expecting lauri to suddenly phone and show concern, Nico knew lauri was probably long gone . The lie from that night about him being at kimis first race still stung. He wanted to tell kimi the truth that in fact he hadn’t seen Lauri at all, but kimi was fragile and he didn’t want an argument.

 

Kimi sighed, “he’s almost as selfish as you” Nico didn’t take offense instead he laughed lightly.

 

“Almost. But lauris more avoidant its more defensive with him less born of actual selfishishness, I think there is a difference”

 

Kimi drew his gaze away from the phone and tried to concentrate on whatever odd tv show Nico was watching. It wasn’t working. Maybe they should have that ‘talk’ they both had been putting off.

 

Kimi grabbed the remote control off Nicos chest and turned the volume all the way down.

 

“hey! I was watching that!” Kimi shrugged and gently slipped out from under Nicos head making him sit up so they where facing one another.

 

“uhm I know you can’t discuss the stuff you say in therapy but , about this thing…do you wanna tell me it now? What its all about anyway? This really important talk we must have ”

 

Nico rolled his eyes. Sex, well of course kimi was a guy and he did have needs. At the end of the day though, this was all about sex. About when Nico would give kimi what he wanted. But what if, like the psychologist said , the day came and Nico couldn’t do it? Or kimi no longer wanted to? Because it had been to long of a wait and he went else where for his ‘needs’

 

“ok” Nico took a breath and faced kimi “It’s about us and when we are going to you know…actually be a proper couple and get things going in the bedroom department” Nico watched Kimi instantly become very alert and he fought the urge to role his eyes, now he had kimi’s full attention.

 

“I am supposed to set a date or something ..I haven’t .. yet but…I think its best for us both to pick one and agree that if the day comes , and nothing happens between us for whatever reasons and we end up not doing it..we have to agree never to pursue a relationship with one another again, and…try to be friends. If that doesn’t work out for us either maybe we have to go our separate ways”

 

Every word seemed painful for Nico. The most painful point for kimi was hearing the words ‘maybe we have to go our separate ways’ , being left with nothing after everything they had come through?. He wouldn’t let that happen, friends..He could live with.

 

“And not a birthday, or a holiday like Christmas or something …I don’t think that’s a good idea. Maybe just pick a random day? Any month it doesn’t matter…but we should agree, together.”

 

“I have a better idea” Nico raised an eyebrow.

 

“ow? Ok then lets hear it” kimi swallowed hard and suddenly looked nervous, his proposal was ridiculous especially the way his season was going but it was a fair offer.

 

“The race in which I come higher than third place, that’s the night your gonna sleep with me. Agreed?”

 

Nico didn’t find that as funny as he should have, in fact he found it ridiculous! Kimi was still a rookie he would be lucky if he ever made 3rd again over the rest of the season! And Nico also felt slightly offended that Kimi was using him as some kind of trophy…

 

“No, no way…it could take you mouths! What are we gonna do in the mean time? Sit and gaze longingly into one another’s eyes? Fight? Fuck around behind each others back? No, pick a date in the next few weeks or.. I dunno a  month or something. Something we have to stick to, and …soon ish”

 

Kimi bit his lip , he wasn’t going to back down on this one.

 

“Please, it means I have something to push for ….and I need to prove to you I can do it. After all , if anything’s worth racing for its you. Its our memories, our childhood its everything that we shared as kids. If I can make it out there Nico then it should mean something shouldn’t it? I t means I can make it in hear with you, …”

 

Kimis mind worked in mysterious ways . However Nico did slightly see kimis point but he also wanted something concrete something he had in his mind. Kimis proposal was full of uncertainty…maybe they could compromise?

 

“Alright kimi, here’s the deal. If you don’t achieve higher than 3rd this season then date is set for November 1st, don’t ask why its just a random day and it’s the first that popped into my head . agreed?”

 

Kimi nodded “alright …ok ..Yeah I agree”

 

“Nico settled back into the couch and kimi slid in next to him “mark your calendar iceman”

 

“Wont need to, imma do this. Ill show you all what I can do out there.” Nico sighed, kimi sometimes did have a head full of mush, a rookie racer ….his 2 third place finishes where just luck it had been all down hill from there.

 

 

Meanwhile , Sebastian was back in Helsinki listening to some very interesting news.

 

“well kiddo you’ll love this! So I ve had my fare share of times in jail , know how I get out? Ill sare you the details but it involves some female officers . anyway! One of these such officers was called to a house in Switzerland where she now works, we keep in touch in case im in town. She said it was a couple a very attractive guys who she recognized . heres the bets bit, one was your precious kimi so from the description of the other ill assume it was nico.”

 

Sebastian took a large gulp of beer and looked straight into Villes eyes his expression guarded.

 

“go on” ville smirked, Sebastian was growing more and more weary of his new ‘friend’.

 

“weeellll…kimi’s lip was all bust and your princess claimed they had ‘fought’. It gets more interesting, kimi had called the station to report himself for assault , yet when they got there it was him who was injured.”

 

Sebastian held the glass so tight he thought it might shatter . Nico had hit kimi? He knew his brother had issues but he never for one second thought Nico would abuse Kimi. Sebastian had to get them apart he just had to!

 

“right kid, sorry to wake you from your trance but you said you’d get hold of my brother, and so far you’ve failed”

 

Sebastian’s attention was back on ville who didn’t look at all amused, Sebastian had no idea where Lauri was , he had sent ville to Kimis race in Australia to spy on Nico to his knowledge Lauri hadn’t shown face. He had told Ville he would see him there but nothing came of it . Sebastian was playing a game he knew he couldn’t win . Maybe he could hold ville off a little longer?

 

“I’m working on it, hes hardly likely to just go where i tell him to, hes not like that he doesn’t just do what people ask of him. But ill make sure I let you know where he is next in plenty of time for you to catch him. A concert might be the best idea…hes probably never going to go to one of kimis races if he didn’t turn up for that one”

 

ville looked pissed but considered Sebastian’s answer.

 

“ last chance kid. If he isn’t where you say next time you’re the one ill be destroying. Understand? Anyway my bassist is on holiday in Switzerland and conveniently got an apartment in there building for a few weeks. Ill let you know what happens”

 

With that ville left Sebastian alone in the bar with what seemed like a thousand eyes on him. He knew he didn’t belong in this world , they where all judging him and whispering about him. What was ville doing with tis kid? But Sebastian sensed ville was respected because no one dared approach them to question what was going on. Sebastian had to track down the rasmus, if he didn’t give ville some concrete leads on lauri he was in trouble and he knew it…

 

 


	132. Building castles of glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All it takes is small crack for glass to eventually shatter.

 

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-04-05%20at%2020.14.09.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_mszdninaLQ1qbamz3o1_500.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_naveb7N8XV1tol47io1_500.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-04-05%20at%2020.14.27.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_n32wveRPPw1sqimczo1_500.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_mxjxswJSnY1spuzneo1_500_1.jpg.html)

Kimi was trembling, sweating and had been throwing up all morning. It was the French GP. He was ill; a sudden sickness had come over him. Nico was a nervous wreck watching kimi fight fever after fever, he begged him not to race. But to much was resting on Kimi’s shoulders, an unbearable amount of pressure , not just to race well and prove himself to his fathers, but also to Nico and to his estranged younger brother who he hoped was watching…somewhere.

 

When the lights went green kimi sped off and after the first corner his mind went blank, he remembered nothing of that race. Everything had gone fuzzy , there was a swirl of colors before his eyes, reds, purples, blues , greens. He felt his stomach rising into his throat but he couldn’t throw up, he felt the sides of his helmet pressing against his temples, the pressure almost unbearable. The smells where horrendous, gas, fuel, burnt rubber, sweat, the stench of sick on his own breath.

 

When he came to he had no idea how many laps he had left and his radio feed and screen where dead. Nothing was responding. He tried calling out on his radio

 

“Hey, how many laps? What’s going on! Hey!”

 

The radio suddenly crackled into life and all his instruments responded again

 

“Sorry kimi we lost you there for like 20 seconds! Good job mate after the line your second! Your second kimi! Push mate, push! Coulthard is right behind you!”

 

Kimi couldn’t think he could only react, he put the pedal to the metal and soured the car gave him its last burst of life and flew across the finish line where he almost narrowly missed colliding with Schumacher who had come first .

 

On the podium kimi looked pretty emotionless to the whole world and as he was interviewed he couldn’t speak . It was clear he was in shock. Nothing was registering, he was numb all over the only thing which brought him back to reality was the sharp sting of champagne in his eyes. He promptly attacked both Michael and David with his own spray, the liveliest he had been the entire time.

 

The after party went on and on, and seamed to last forever. Niki and James couldn’t stop pawing at him , kissing his cheeks, ruffling his hair and buying him beer after beer. Nico had gotten rotten drunk and after dancing on tables, falling all over kimi and then throwing up in random spots kimi had somehow managed to get them both back to there Paris hotel where he had spent the night by the toilet and Nico had died on the bed.

 

The morning after felt like the apocalypse and not because kimi had the mother of all hangovers but because he found a weeping Nico , distraught and inconsolable marching around declaring that “everything was ruined” and “it wasn’t meant to be like this!”

 

Kimi eventually managed to get some sense out of Nico. They sat on the bed and talked , Nico eventually declared through streams of tears

 

“We missed it! We agreed, we made a promise and we missed it…it was supposed to be special, why the fuck did we get so wasted!”  Kimi felt like death but was rapidly sobering up. He tried to reason with Nico, told him it didn’t have to be that exact night , it could be anytime from then onwards , he attempted to convince Nico that once they both felt better they could get down to business but Nico wasn’t having any of it , it was like some sacred promise had been Brocken and that was it. It was the end. Kimi was hoping it was all over dramatics and Nico would calm down eventually .

 

Silence fell upon the apartment after a few hours and kimi stopped trying , instead he retreated to the kitchen where he nursed a cool glass of water for what seemed like forever. Then a fully dressed Nico , with miraculously styled hair marched past him and left the apartment kimi winced as the door slammed, he didn’t follow. If he was honest with himself he had, had enough. He was past caring and to tired to try any more. His forehead hit the cool marble of the work top , he must have fallen asleep. A couple of hours later when he woke it was almost dark out he called to Nico but there was no reply , he searched the flat. Nothing.

 

Kimi started to worry a little but when he checked the clock Nico had barely been gone for three hours, his attention was shifted elsewhere when the phone rang.

 

Kimi picked up the receiver and instinctively said “Nico?” there was muffled sounds on the other end , it sounded a little like someone was starting to cry or trying hard not to.

 

“Nico? Im not mad just come home…please”

 

“Kimi…” it wasn’t Nico. Kimi’s heart fluttered with excitement.

 

“lauri?!! Lauri! Where are you? Are you ok? I miss you so much! Have you been watching? Did you see me yesterday? I was second, can you believe it! I came second lau!”

 

Lauri clutched the phone tighter and smiled through his tears. Kimi was doing well and he was glad but he hadn’t seen the race. The phone box was in a parking lot in some city he couldn’t remember the name of, the bus was parked close by and the others where all waiting on him. He didn’t have much time or a lot of change to make the call. He didn’t have time to answer any of the questions or congratulate kimi. He just had to tell someone…he had messed up again. But this time it was a huge mess up…

 

“kimi im sorry, I don’t have a lot of time to talk. I’ve fucked up brother…I fucked up bad.” Lauri chocked, and then quickly said

 

“she’s pregnant, fuck” lauri wiped his eyes on his sleeve. He couldn’t believe it himself but it was true. she was pregnant and it was more than likely his. His whole life felt like it was crashing down around him. His mind was racing with horrible thoughts, like how he hoped she’d get rid of it or that she might ‘loose’ it. He felt like some kind of demon, a wretched sole who didn’t deserve to live because he was having these thoughts. But he didn’t want this, he didn’t want this child and especially not with her.  

 

They had been in a relationship since he met her early on in the tour, very quickly she had taken advantage of his weak emotional state, and once he was in to deep she started the abuse. First mind control making him think things that where not true then she started to hit him and justified it by saying it was his fault. He was even lying to his band mates that he had gotten into drunken fights to explain away the black eyes and scratches. Aki was falling apart over it, he could see lauri was lying and he was cut to the core that lauri was no longer his so he could no longer save him.  When lauri tried to break free, she trapped him. With this pregnancy.

 

Kimi didn’t quite know what to make of this whole situation. He was struck dumb. After initially wanting to talk through everything with lauri that one sentence had thrown and confused him.

 

Lauri spoke again “she’s trapped me kimi. I don’t want this! What am I gonna do? I don’t know what to do…”

 

Kimi initially felt like There was nothing he could say or do for lauri, he felt helpless again just like with nico. But then an idea struck him, with lauri he wasn’t actually helpless and there was a lot he could do…if only he could get to him.

 

“Where are you?”

 

The credit on the phone was deleting rapidly and lauri didn’t actually remember where he was.

 

“I don’t know, I have to go there’s no credit left in this goddamn phone… ill try and call again.”

 

Kimi felt a certain panic and urgency strike him. “no no! tell me where you are lauri! Ill comes get you!”

 

“sorry ki…*crackle* cant remem *crackle*” the line went dead .

 

“Lauri?! Lauri??!!!...fuck!” Kimi instantly dialed niki and james room. No one was picking up

 

“pick up…isa …come on! Come on pick up!! Pick the fucking phone up!”

 

Nico had made his way to the local park. It was a brilliant summers evening, couples passed holding hands, kids soared by on their bikes, groups of teenage girls strolled laughing animatedly with ice creams in their hands. The world went on , unaware of his sorrow.

 

He caught sight of a tall man with longish brown hair and his heart leapt. He quickly followed the man and caught his arm when he turned nico frowned and apologized, it wasn’t who he hoped it was, it wasn’t Eero.

Nico was quickly coming to realize something he had tried to deny all along. Yes, he loved kimi but he was still in love with Eero. The day in the hospital corridor haunted him. The last thing Eero had said to him was

 

_“goodbye Nico, I wish you every happiness”_

Nico wasn’t happy. He had been for a time , with Eero in there apartment in Germany. The night in the igloo in Lapland under stars was one of the best moments of his life, and after they had made love he had lain awake gazing at the man who had saved him and made him a better person. Why had he thrown it all away? Only to come back into kimis life and cause such misery to them both?

 

Nico found a bench by the lake and sat watching the world go by, people happily going about there day. Passing him without recognition or care. He sat there until the moon cast its light across the calm waters and everything went still.

 

Sebastian pulled over at the gas station; he had taken a road trip through Estonia to clear his head. He would start winter testing in a couple of months, summer seemed to be going so fast!

 

Out of the corner of his eye he caught sight of a familiar silhouette jogging off to wards…a tour bus.

 

Lauri! Sebastian quickly paid the cashier for his items and stuffed them in his pocked racing out the door.

 

“lauri!! Hey wait!” seb called out, the figure turned and it was lauri. Sebastian raced over.

 

“hey!” he said smiling, he noted lauris angry red eyes, the black rings under them how pale he was . He looked like death.

 

“Are you ok? You look awful!” ever the honest one. Lauri smiled a little Sebastian was brutal sometimes but at least he said whatever came to mind and didn’t lie or deceive.

 

“Hi to you to. And thanx I like this look, I call it ‘I need a proper bed one which doesn’t move!’ ”

 

Sebastian laughed a little. But frowned instantly as lauri started to shiver.

 

“hey , seriously are you ok? You look like you need a doctor lauri..”

 

A car pulled up causing them both to look round. Sebastian felt the blood drown from his face. Ville. Ville was following him? Why?!

 

Lauri went stiff as the familiar figure approached. Lauri now knew this awful wretch of a man , who had tormented him on one of there other tours and watched as people done unspeakable things to him,  was his blood brother. Sebastian felt physically sick as his involvement with this guy was about to be revealed to lauri.

 

“Hey little brother, I take it you know now” ville smirked “here you are! You’re a hard guy to track down!”

 

Lauri glanced at Sebastian as if silently pleading for help but noted how awkward Sebastian had become.

 

Ville looked lauri over once from head to toe and his demeanor changed. Lauri felt a little shocked and somewhat confused when ville met his eyes with genuine concern.

 

“…you alright kid?” lauri felt a sharp pain cross his temple. Another Migraine. He brought his head to his hand and massaged his aching forehead . Sebastian placed and hand on his shoulder.

 

“Lauri, you really aren’t well are you? Look tell the guys and ill drive you home to Finland to a doctor”

 

ville approached and Sebastian mouthed “please don’t”. ville ignored him and pulled Lauri’s hand from his face. When lauri realized who was touching him he flinched and jerked his hand away.

 

“Don’t touch me! …Look im fine seb. I have to go thanx for the concern” lauri turned to ville and spat viciously “you stay the fuck away from me!”

 

Lauri didn’t get far before the pain shot across his temple once more, he fell to his knees . After a long drawn out argument between Sebastian and ville which they where unaware lauri could hear , Sebastian finally allowed ville to take lauri in his car , Lauri couldn’t protest very much .

 

Sebastian informed the band , they cancelled the last three shows of the tour and Sebastian drove them in his car after ville abandoning the bus in the parking lot with the driver they mad it to the city of Tallinn where they all caught a ferry back to Helsinki.

 

 


	133. Let me tell you a story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What will the family make of Lauris situation? will Nico see sense? and does someone else have a secret he needs to tell?

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/_61906036_niki_lauda_f1_getty.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/7dae76c9b7_15380003_o2.jpg.html)

 

 

When Nico returned to the apartment ready to talk things through and sort something out, Kimi was gone and there was a note.

 

_Lauri’s in trouble. I went to find my dads. Please take time to realize that we can still be ok. I believe in us. Go home to Switzerland, ill be home as soon as I can._

_I love you_

_Kimi_

Once in Finland and back at the house, kimi Niki and James had no time to settle in. Around half an hour after they walked through the door. Sebastian tuned up on their doorstep with a very tired looking Lauri. He practically fell into Niki’s arms. Sebastian nodded curtly at Kimi and walked past him following Niki and James into the living room where they helped Lauri get comfortable.

 

“Long time no see ” James said sitting next to his son and massaging his shoulder. “You have a nack for not calling. Or writing…or letting us know you are alive at all! You need to stop vanishing Lauri the disappearing act is getting old, I know touring is grueling but remember your family. Especially poor Kimi hes had a rough time , hes needed your support and now you call out of the blue and we all have to jump! Its not fair young man”

 

Kimi hadn’t told Niki and James of Lauri’s confession over the phone about getting someone pregnant all he said was he was positive Lauri was in trouble and he had gotten cut off on the phone. Niki and James suggested they all fly home together , take a break and try and source Lauri’s where about. luckily they didn’t have to take any great liberties. The doctors released lauri with antibiotics and pain relief and prescribed some ‘good home cooking and lots of rest’.  Then Sebastian drove him home, stopping by Mika’s house to collect there spare set of keys for the hunt laudas place as he thought no one was home.

 

Niki observed some strange scarring on his sons pale neck and forehead…his first thought went back to Lauri self harming but then these looked like actual scratches from someone’s finger nails not the kind of marks made by a razor of knife. Maybe lauri was scratching himself as a nervous habit? Niki tried to convince himself that this was the reason. He was so distracted by the markings that he didn’t notice how James seemed to be chiding lauri.

 

Sebastian however did notice and uncharacteristically bit back at James

 

“Hey, uncle James please. Hes had a rough time don’t just launch into guilt tripping him about kimi. I’m sure you can all discuss that later, hes tired . Leave him be” James was so shocked he didn’t even reply, Niki smiled warmly at Sebastian , kimi noted how fond Niki was looking at him the same fondness no longer crossed his fathers eyes when he saw Nico. Niki greatly disapproved of the relationship, kimi knew that.

 

“Have a seat seb, ill grab you a beer or would you prefer something warm like tea or coffee?”

 

Sebastian waved a hand and smiled “ no thank you uncle Niki. I must go, theres some things I have to do. Anyway, take care lauri ok? And I love your new album I have it in my car. Keep It up but don’t ware yourself out!”

 

Lauri cracked a friendly grin and gave Sebastian thumbs up. Ville had left when lauri strongly started objecting to his presence, he was insightful enough to see he was distressing his brother. Sebastian hoped he would never have to deal with him again either…

 

With Sebastian gone and James firmly warned off getting to heavy into conversation with lauri. The house went deathly quiet. Niki had retreated to the kitchen to fix dinner after fawning over his youngest son and practically smothering him with delight at his very presence. When Niki stopped pestering Lauri, Kimi had next to his brother on the other end of the couch. there was a space between them which felt like an ocean and kimi couldn’t bring himself to cross the stormy waters. On the other side lauri was a ball of pent up anxiety. He had to tell them, but what would they say? He didn’t know what to do…

 

Over dinner the tension was noticed by Niki. His boys weren’t speaking. And kimi had rabbited on for months about missing lauri, why weren’t they laughing ? why weren’t they looking at one another? Kimi knew something more about that phone call. Niki could always tell when he was hiding something.

 

“Right” Niki said dropping his cutlery noisily against his plate waking the other three men from there trances.

 

“Kimi, lauri. Whats going on. And before you start do not even attempt to lie to me”

 

Finally lauri looked at kimi and Niki closely observed them both. Lauri’s eyes where filled with a Dred and fear and kimis where full of confusion and sympathy. So it was lauri who was hiding something…Niki turned his attention to his younger son.

 

“Lauri…something you want to tell us? Is everything ok?” lauri slowly placed his cutlery on the table and placed his hands in his lap looking down. There where three intense sets of eyes on him. He had to just say it. It was better to get it over with.

 

“I ..Met a girl” he started , Niki leaned foreword suddenly very interested James also leaned in , he liked the sound of that. Kimi however remained uneasy.

 

“We uh…yeah well, I got into a relationship. Then she..” lauri chocked , “she was kind of crazy. But I started using things and I got a little crazy to. Also I was drinking like all the time…she said it was the drinking that made her do it. But I was drinking to stop the pain cause I felt like I wasn’t a man anymore…I let her hit me, punch me…she’d scratch me or pull my hair or bite …I let her tell me it was all my fault I thought maybe I deserved it. I didn’t treat her right. I promised I was faithful but I fucked other girls and guys…”

 

Niki deflated instantly and James reached across the table to hold his arm. They knew life on the road was full of these kinds of things, drugs, drinking, sex…but abuse? It wasn’t what they where expecting , nothing prepared them for the next words which came out of there sons mouth.

 

“she’s right though, its all my fault. Everything is always all my fault. And now shes pregnant….”

 

Kimi chewed his lower lip nervously. Nikis mouth fell open and James tightened his grip on Nikis arm.

 

Lauri didn’t speak another word. Eventually Niki composed himself but it was James who took over much to his relief.

 

“Alright. Alright son, take a breath, take a step back and lets talk this over. Firstly is it yours? 100%?” lauri shrugged but didn’t look up. He seemed so small sitting there, not his usual presence. Niki couldn’t help but notice how young he still looked with his full cheeks and smooth skin.

 

“I …think so. I mean yeah its most likely mine, I wanted out, ..she wanted to trap me”

 

James took a breath, ok so assuming the child was Lauri’s. He had more questions he needed answered.

 

“Where is she now? And how far along is this pregnancy?”

 

Lauri was becoming more tense by the second. “Maybe with her parents? I don’t know…and she said two months..”

 

James nodded “you have proof she was abusing you? Did the band members see it? What about aki?”

 

Lauri’s eyes started to fill up, he had been strong so far but the very thought of aki tore at his heartstrings. Aki betrayed him and now he had returned the favor. He supposed they where even. Lauri wiped his eyes on his arm and sniffed.

 

“yeah..I think aki saw, anyway I have the scars”

 

James looked at Niki who was taking everything in and trying to stay out of it for fear his emotional side would get in the way.

 

Next James had to ask the hurtful questions.

 

“Do you want the baby?” everyman at the table knew the answer to that question, but Lauri’s reply still stung every one of them and they couldn’t figure out why…

 

“No” lauri said finally hiding his head in his hands and openly weeping, “my life is over, and I feel so awful! Because I just don’t want this!”

 

Kimi stood his chair sliding noisily across the wooden floor. He rounded the table and pulled lauri towards him holding him to his chest.

 

“It’ll be ok. Its gonna be ok.” Kimi repeated even though he didn’t believe the words himself.

 

Later once everything was a little calmer Niki sat with lauri on his bed in his old room, where they had replaced his things after trying to keep him from harming himself. His piano and guitars where back in the place, his favorite black guitar by his bedside. The whole house was back to normal. Only lauri felt once again that his life was spiraling out of control. The sun was setting and a strange eerie yet warm glow was filling the room.

 

“You think shes fit to raise this child?” lauri shook his head, no she was not.

 

“What if…” Niki hadn’t even run any of what he was about to say through his mind properly but he was speaking impulsively because he wanted to help his son and was also strangely excited and proud of the prospect of Lauri becoming a father and he in turn becoming a grandfather.

 

“What if…myself and James where to help you raise the baby? What if it came home here with us”

 

Lauri didn’t know what to think of that…that would mean taking the baby away from her. But how on earth would they do that? There was no way they could do that. And lauri didn’t really want them to; he didn’t want to be a father.

 

“Cant I just….pay her money or something and stay out if it?” Niki rubbed Lauri’s back soothingly. He was sympathetic but on the other hand he was a little angry. He knew he had to repress his anger though, because it stemmed from the fact he himself had not wanted children and had a secret which pained him, but then kimi and lauri had made him whole and they had become his entire life, lauri couldn’t be expected to understand that at this stage. But Niki felt he had to tell lauri his story anyway , even it made no difference.

 

“I have a little story to tell you about..a friend of mine who kind of felt the exact same way you feel right now.” Niki knew he had Lauri’s attention when his son shuffled along the bed closer to him and looked at him intrigued.

 

“Well this friend of mine was also a racer. Its no one you know (he was obviously lying) . pretty successful guy, no body really liked him much. He was married very young, she was wonderful, beautiful , smart but had a bit of a temper. She had a particular liking for throwing things at his head, luckily her aim wasn’t that good” Niki caught lauri smiling “ well it ended up she got pregnant and he really did not want kids, they had bad fought all the time she was so stressed and got very ill and he was just and asshole..And well she lost the baby. Maybe relief should have hit him but instead he felt nothing but pain and guilt and he started to dream about what that baby might have looked like, if it would have been a little boy or a little girl …his wife was distraught and upset but there was nothing he could do”

 

Lauri didn’t know why but his eyes started to fill up, that was awful, especially since they where married….

 

“Then later on she fell pregnant again and this time he promised he would try harder and he swore to her that he was happy about it . She lost the second baby”

 

Niki saw the grief strike Lauri’s face. He knew he was getting through even if lauri didn’t notice it , he would soon connect this feeling of sadness to how he would feel if he lost or never saw his own child , Niki although finding the words almost impossible continued and stayed as calm as he could, lauri needed to hear more.

 

“So stricken with grief and unable to continue on together they broke up. She’s happy now. Re married with two gorgeous boys and they are friends though they don’t speak for years occasionally they call each other. He fell in love again with someone he originally hated, someone who drove him insane but also made him a better man than he had ever been before. They lived together for awhile in this small dingy apartment in london then got really serious and they both got rich, then this new partner decided they should have kids. Again my friend had gone back to his old ways and firmly said he wasn’t ready and didn’t want them. Loosing two potential children and being asked to go and possibly adopt was not something he was ready to consider. His new partner pushed him anyway”

 

At adopt , lauri had clicked. Niki was talking about himself…lauri couldn’t bring himself to speak he gazed open mouthed at Niki as a gentle tear slid down his cheek.

 

“Anyway he gave in and they visited orphanage after orphanage. But he didn’t bond with any of the kids. He started to feel maybe there was something wrong with him…then by chance on holiday here in Finland, he and his partner heard  a sad tale of a baby who was born in the cold of winter his mother risked her life to save him from the bitter cold . his father having died trying to find them. The baby was days old and this cold hearted man who felt he would never be a father fell in love and spent every moment with this wonderful baby boy until finally a year later they both had officially adopted him . Then when there wonderful little man started school he made a friend, this little boy was also an orphan. they managed to find out a lot about him and after awhile they adopted him to and brought him home to surprise there oldest son and to complete there family. And this mans life has been filled with alot of drama but also a lot of love and he would never change one second of it or swap his two wonderful boys for the world. Being a father was the greatest thing that ever happened to him. He has two adult sons now, one with a fiery temper which betrays the cool color of his eyes with hair as golden as corn in summer , the other with hair as black as the night and eyes of emerald green who weaves words into melodies and melodies into his heart.”

 

Lauri rushed foreword into nikis arms. “Isa” he mumbled. Nikis eyes watered but he didn’t cry. He wasn’t sad for himself, what happened was in the past there was nothing that could be done and it wasn’t his fault those children didn’t make it , it wasn’t her fault either.

 

“Your baby needs a daddy lauri. I promise it will be the making of you and the best thing you will ever do with your life. You’ll regret for ever not being a father to this baby and trust me it would break your heart to loose it”

 

Lauri gave into the plan that emerged over the coming weeks. James and Niki would prosecute her for what she had done to their son and demand that full custody of Lauri’s child be given to him the moment of the baby’s birth.

Lauri never told kimi Nikis story, it was between them and them alone. He was grateful Niki had shared it with him.

 

Kimi surprisingly became the most excited member of the family, on return to Switzerland he declared the happy news to Nico and captured his lips in a passionate kiss, when they parted Nico, surprisingly, smiled and nodded towards the bedroom.

 

“Shall we celebrate?” Kimi eyed him in slight shock, Nico walked away looking over his shoulder seductively.

 

“you coming?” Kimi didn’t need asked twice!

 

 

 

 


	134. Affirmation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico and Kimi cross the line. There is no going back now.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/65be2a04-f3da-4fe1-9502-dfbdf80e6c98.png.html)

 

 

Kimi couldn’t quite believe this was actually happening. Nico placed a firm hand on his chest and backed him onto the bed . Kimi wanted to ask ‘are you sure about this?’ but kept his mouth firmly shut, the last thing he wanted was to give Nico any reason at all to back out.

 

Nico was wearing a white shirt open mid chest. Be brought his fingers to the remaining buttons and un did them one by one slowly, watching kimi watch him. Nico couldn’t deny he felt every powerful in that moment. Like he had the control. He never realized just how easy he could manipulate kimis attention. Yes he played a lot of psychological games but this was a new trick and he liked the reaction.

 

Kimi looked like he had started sweating and it wasn’t from the heat. Nico had all the air conditioners on. Nico watched Kimi’s usual pale complexion start to go red.  Nico’s shirt now hanging open exposing his chest and abs he stood and just watched kimi. Kimi was nervous, more so than he thought he ever would be. This wasn’t a random fuck or hook up or something casual. This he realized he had wanted almost all his life. This was important, it meant something, what if he messed up?

 

He had never been so wound up about sex . He was good at this. He knew what he was doing, he was good in bed …well at least no one had complained! He wanted to reach out and touch Nico but something was holding him back. He was scared.

 

Nico slid his shirt off his shoulders and moved closer to the bed crawling into kimis lap . Kimi let out a sharp noise in surprise and Nico couldn’t help it , he started to laugh.

 

Nico knew it was the most inappropriate moment to get the giggles but the noise Kimi had just made was hysterical, and so was the look of embarrassment that had just appeared on his face. Kimi tried to hide himself against Nicos shoulder and mumbled something like.

 

“vitu…perkele!” Nico held his head close and caressed his hair waiting for his laughing fit to die down.

 

Kimi was mortified. He wasn’t even aroused anymore! And Nico was sitting right in his lap!  Nico prodded his shoulder playfully.

 

“Hey, look at me.” Kimi shook his head.

 

“No I don’t wanna look at you!” he wined like a wounded child. Nico laughed again.

 

“ow come on squeaky. It was cute!” Kimi turned his head and glared at him. Normally the look would terrify Nico but everything was funny to him at that moment and he couldn’t help smiling. When kimi saw that wonderful smile on Nicos face his features relaxed and he smiled back. He couldn’t deny seeing Nico happy was the greatest thing in the world. Especially after the shit time they had both been having.

 

“nothing matches your smile” Kimi said without thinking. Suddenly Nicos smile disappeared replaced by a look of slight shock. Then he leaned in and captured kimis lips with his own and they kissed tenderly.

 

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me in a long, long time” Nico murmured against kimis lips feeling his breath ghosting against his neck.

 

Without warning Nico slid of Kimis lap. Kimi instantly looked disappointed , but then Nico slid off his trousers and Kimis attention was once again on him. Nico loved how hungry he looked. Kimi was a pure alpha male, Nico had no idea how this would go with him…would he be rough? Would he be gentle and firm? Nico was scared to.

 

“Lie back iceman and take your clothes off already why am I always naked first?”  Kimi grinned wickedly. Now things wear heating up. Kimi raised his arms above his head and Nico watched his muscles flexing and he stretched up pulling his Mc- Laren t shirt up and off discarding it on the floor quickly followed by his own jeans.

 

Nico remembered a small detail just then, Kimi hardly ever wore underwear. Now Kimi was the naked one. Nico flushed red, he had seen it all before of course but this felt very different. Kimi was pretty aroused as well.

 

Nico crawled onto the bed opting to keep his own boxers on , for the moment. Kimi lay flat on his back and looked up at him longingly, the look in those eyes was making Nico melt. He kissed kimi passionately then mouthed at his jaw line and up to his ear pinching his sensitive ear lobe between his teeth and delighting in the noises kimi made. He kissed his way down kimis chest, nipping and biting at his neck, kimi was loving it. Nico took one of his nipples into his mouth and sucked , moving across to the other all the while running his hand up and down kimis abdomen reveling in the feel of his muscles rippling under the palm of his hand. Kimi eyes where closed head thrown back mouth open , he looked the perfect picture of ecstasy.

 

Nico worked his way down kimis abs to his pelvis, then kimi opened his eyes and craned his neck to see what was going on. Nicos long blonde locks where splayed across his pelvis as Nico kissed him just above his pubic hair. One of Nicos hands was holding his hip the other had slipped between his legs. Nico was pleasuring himself and kimi couldn’t see. He was getting more and more frustrated by this. He slid his hand into Nico hair to get his attention. Nico looked up from between his thighs.

 

“Don’t touch yourself if I cant watch..” kimi panted almost breathless. Nico had barely realized he was doing it. He moved back and withdrew his hand from his underwear grabbing the waist band with his thumbs , he gazed into kimi eyes and held his stare then slid them off with ease , freeing his own erection , he could have sworn kimi was drooling.

 

Nico moved back up his body forcing him to lay flat once more and then gently lowered himself against kimi. When there erections touched, kimi closed his eyes and gasped, as did Nico. Nico would have been embarrassed to admit he thought he was going to come right then and there. It took all his strength and will power to hold of an orgasm.

 

Nico took his mind of it by caressing kimis hair, the spikey blonde strands moving through his fingers. He massaged kimi’s scalp kissing his neck lovingly. Kimi ran his hands up Nicos back and down to the base of his spine just above his ass. When he felt a little more adventurous he grabbed both Nicos ass cheeks with his hands massaging them firmly. Nico hummed into  his neck , kimi took that as a positive sign. The foreplay was amassing and kimi was enjoying it but he really wanted to move things along. 

 

Nico gasped in surprise when kimi flipped them so he was now on his back and kimi was towering over him, that intense look in his eyes. Kimi attacked his neck and unlike Nico who had been somewhat gentle , kimi was biting into him and sucking hard on the flesh . Nico cried out in a mix of pleasure and pain. Kimi did the same to his chest and one of his shoulders.  He watched slightly terrified as kimi slid down his body. And then, without any kind of warning kimi took him in his mouth and Nico shook violently at the intense sensation that travelled up his spin when kimis teeth grazed his member .

 

Nico threw his head back there was no way his arms where going to support him if he tried to watch. Kimi was expert at this, he hollowed his cheeks and sucked, his tongue occasionally making contact with vain on the underside of his penis. Nico knew he was leaking into kimis mouth, he wondered rather morbidly if kimi liked it? Nico was absolutely positive he wouldn’t last as kimi started sucking and licking the head of his penis flicking his tongue over the slit. Nico grabbed handfuls of the sheets, his fists turning white.

 

Then..kimi stopped. And Nicos eyes shot open he craned his head as best he could. Kimi was leaning over him rummaging around in their bedside drawer. Nico watched him remove a bottle and a packet. He sat back and held the item up for Nico to see

 

“This” he shook the bottle , which was of course some kind of lube “we need”

 

“This” he waved the packet, a condom. “Is optional…its your choice if we use it”

 

No condoms. Nico had been with Eero without one, Kimi deserved the same level of trust.

 

“I trust you…loose the rubber. I want to feel you, properly” Kimi never thought simple words could be so arousing, his cock actually seemed to respond when Nico said that. It felt as if he was getting even harder , which probably wasn’t possible. Kimi tossed the condom to one side. He wasn’t about to object even if for the sake of promoting safe sex he should insist. But he knew he was clean.

 

Kimi stocked Nicos cock a few times before sliding his hand down past his balls to the sensitive spot just above his anus and fingering it teasingly.

 

Nico could feel a sharp white hot heat filling his lower regions. It was intense he could barely stand it.

 

“ugh kimi stop..stop teasing…ugh” kimi was enjoying this , Nico writhing on the bed from just a few simple touches.

 

“Spread your legs nice and wide” kimi removed his hand and Nico opened his thighs. His face flushing instantly. Kimi just kept staring at him and it was ever so slightly uncomfortable.

 

“Wider, come on Nico” Nico looked away as he spread his legs even further apart pulling his knees to his chest so kimi had full view. There was only one man who had seen him like this, Nico forced his face from his mind.

 

Nico could bring himself to look at Kimi, he felt so exposed. In a way he had never been before. They had shared there whole lives from birth to this. Kimi found it hard to draw his gaze away. Nico was so beautiful.

 

After what seemed like and eternity the cap of the lube bottle clicking open drew Nicos attention back to kimi. He watched as he squeezed a generous amount onto one hand, dropped the bottle and rubbed his fingers together. He moved close and Nico pulled his knees further towards himself trying to ease his cheeks apart.

 

The cold liquid felt really strange as kimi spread in around his entrance. There was no warning, kimi didn’t give him any kind of look or verbal signal. He forced two fingers past the tight ring of muscle into Nicos body. It had been awhile for Nico and everything was as tight as it had been before…. before Eero. Nico closed his eyes and breathed. The other mans face eventually faded from his mind.

 

Kimi slid a third finger inside him and Nico hissed in pain. He felt kimi opening and closing his fingers inside him , his muscles protesting at the strange intrusion. He breathed hard and willed himself to relax. Kimi seemed to massage him for an eternity, everything eventually felt familiar and after another few moments intense pleasure coursed through him. Kimi had taken a while but had found it, that little coiled up collection of nerves deep inside him . Nico panted as kimi massaged his prostate. His balls suddenly felt tight and full. Once again he was positive he was going to come, and once again kimi withdrew at the exact right moment. Allowing Nicos high to come down just enough.

 

Kimi waited a few precious moments for Nico to stop hyperventilating before he slid his hands under Nicos thighs allowing Nico to drop his own hands to the bed and relax. Kimi held his legs further towards his chest and Nico waited , finally he felt the head of kimi penis brush against his entrance, kimi wasn’t going to be using his hands to guide himself , that meant Nico had to truly brace himself as kimi was going to thrust foreword and Nico knew that was going to hurt. There was no going back, there relationship forever changed .  A million memories flooded Nicos mind. Everything from the lake , to the hotel in Norway to the fights and all the screaming. It all came back to him.

 

Eventually there eyes had met , now kimi was looking own at him still hungry , still dominant but with a questioning as if he wanted to know was this ok? Should he go that final step? He was waiting for a signal, for Nico to guide him .

Nico smiled up at him took a deep breath and closed his eyes . Signaling to kimi that he was relaxed and he was ready.

 

Kimi didn’t force himself forward like Nico was expecting. Everything was slow and Nico felt every single inch of kimi slide inside him. First the rounded head of kimis cock breaching the taught ring of muscle then slowly kimi pushed foreword, Nico opening around him allowing him in with relative ease yet still feeling almost unbearably tight. Kimi was surrounded by warmth and the pulsating muscles inside Nico hugging his cock , and every now again squeezing him as if trying to milk his orgasm out of him. But kimi was well practiced and he was able to hold on.

 

He slid all the way inside Nico and didn’t allow any adjustment time, slidding out leaving just the head of his cock still buried inside and forcing himself back in. Nico had his answer kimi fucked like an animal, it was intense and quick and the slapping of there skin filled the room along with kimis grunts and Nicos moaning. He sounded like a whore and he knew it but he couldn’t help it. The rapid movement of kimi sliding in and out of him meant that his prostate was receiving very few sensations and it was driving him almost mad.

 

Then kimi switched there positions never once sliding out of him he managed to turn them so Nico was on his hands and knees . Kimi leaned over him grasping his hips and continued to thrust in and out at a relentless pace.  Nico could barely hold himself up.

 

Kimi had wanted to take this slowly he had planned to , but in the end he couldn’t he was so wound up , he had waited so long his hips betrayed him and he just fucked Nico as hard and as fast as he could, every drag of Nicos inner muscles around him sending him even crazier.

 

They switched positions countless times, Nico on his lap fucking himself on kimis cock. Kimi behind him, there legs spread awkwardly as kimi pushed into him from a side angle.

 

Finally they ended up where they started , Nico on his back kimi between his legs. Both laced completely with sweat nicos hair clinging to his shoulders neck and forehead, he was weak and had almost no energy left , kimi was almost completely spent . They had been rutting for what must have been thirty minutes or more, neither had come close to release , and they where both very painfully hard . kimi’s hips no longer held any rhythm . He couldn’t thrust anymore and fell against Nico to tired to move still buried deep inside him.

 

They panted and Nico caressed his sweat socked hair and neck. Comforting him.

 

“You’ve worn yourself out …my iceman.”

 

Kimi sucked in shaky breaths, he couldn’t reply. He felt Nico tense around him a few times. Then the sensation hit and he used the last strength he had to push himself up a little and make those last few thrusts.

 

“ahh…im gonna come, hurry up and move so I can pull out”  Nico wasn’t about to let kimi finish like that. No , kimi would fill him, that’s what he wanted.

 

“shhhh, its ok. Its ok you can come in me. I want you to” it was too late anyway. Nico watched kimis face, he looked almost pained. Nico supposed it must he a little painful after all the friction and how exhausted kimi had become. Kimis hips jerked foreword a final few times . And then finally his orgasm consumed him his hips shuddering , his seed spilling deep inside Nico. He let his cock slowly slide out and watched his thick white semen drip out of Nicos entrance , his cock was still hard and he pushed back inside. The whole thing was so erotic that Nicos orgasm tore threw him on kimis re entry spilling his own seed in sharp spurts between there bodies. Kimi groaned in intense pleasure as his semen made entering Nico feel warm and wet and comfortable. He slid his cock in and out a few more times relishing the sensation before sliding out again , his penis flaccid once more and fell on top of Nico.

 

There was no words exchanged, Nico lay awake with kimi fast asleep on top of him, there bodies covered in sweat and semen, there skin sticking together in the heat. Once again Nicos heart swapped sides, he was very much in love with kimi to. And this had been everything he’d dreamed of and more.

 

But no matter how hard Nico tried, beautiful brown eyes filled his vision. And unknown to him the man lying on his chest, spent and satisfied was dreaming not of him but of another.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to apologise for the ending or if this was not as epic as people wanted! but these two may not be meant for one another and i think you all knew that from the beginning! however in saying that i always change my mind! so nothings final <3 
> 
> P.S no Nico did not shoot secret porn movies :P but yes he does have a look alike who does them :P found that out on tumblr long ago ;)


	135. melody of lonely hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian drops in on the hunt Lauda's and has a heart to heart with someone he didn't expect.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_nhkdqsUgBN1regjz1o1_1280.jpg.html)

Testing was exhausting! Sebastian was so glad to be back home in Finland. Summer was almost over, Nico and Kimi where in Switzerland enjoying the long two week break between races. It seemed Kimi had forgotten Lauri. Sebastian knew all about the situation, everyone knew now. Niki and James found the girl, they pressed charges and there was going to be a long drawn out court case for custody of Lauri’s baby. Niki had employed the best lawyers he could find and Lauri had already been In for questioning multiple times , they had there evidence . He had even been examined by three expert doctors , as they eyed his naked body and took pictures Lauri had never felt so exposed and ashamed. He wanted to die.

 

In his drunken, drugged state he had been beaten, scratched bitten and she had even cut him with glass , knifes and razors. He had un healed wounds and bruises which where still nasty and visible. He was littered in small cuts and nail marks. She claimed of course that he had started it , that he was the one abusing her and it was all self defense . The court would never buy it , there wasn’t a mark on her. Sebastian over heard all the little morbid details as Mika filled David in after Niki or James would call them to off load.

 

And they would add, in degust that Kimi hadn’t been home and Mika would try to defend Nico against Nikis claims that he was poisoning kimi when the family needed Kimi more than ever. Sebastian agreed with Niki, Nico was poison.

 

Sebastian decided he would pop in on the Hunt Laudas one evening on his drive back from Helsinki. The cars where gone but the dogs where out which indicated someone was home. The door was open and he let himself in.

 

The beautiful sounds of a piano melody filled the air and Sebastian smiled heading straight upstairs to Lauri’s room. He knocked on the door but lauri didn’t answer, Sebastian assumed he couldn’t hear him over the piano. Seb pushed the door just enough that he could peer inside, Lauri had his eyes closed his body swaying slowly in time with the music his fingers dancing over the keys. Sebastian envied him, that was true talent right there. He watched form the doorway as the notes faded and Lauri’s piece came to and end.

 

Lauri opened his eyes and started scribbling on the papers perched on his stand above the piano keys. He noticed the door ajar then the pair of eyes and craned his neck for a better view.

 

“…whos in the hallway?” Lauri asked still unsure exactly who was spying on him and getting rather freaked out. Seb pushed the door open and grinned, Lauri didn’t give the reaction most people gave him , which was to roll there eyes and ignore him. Instead lauri placed his hand on his chest and let out a breath relieved before smiling and beckoning him in.

 

Sebastian was hit by a thought, he wasn’t sure he had ever actually been in Lauri’s bedroom…at least if he had he couldn’t remember! He looked round in awe. Lauri had the biggest room in the house and seb could see why! There was grand piano in the middle of the room and one of the walls was stacked with guitars, electric , acoustic, and electro-acoustics. There was amps, music stands. Wires, sound gear , a microphone in one corner . By the window was a desk with a computer and on the back a double bed with silk violent and black sheets. The walls had posters and picture and where black also. It looked like a recording studio, which doubled as a bedroom!

 

Lauri watched seb amused as he looked round mouth hanging half open in awe.

 

“you ok ?” Sebastian snapped back to reality and closed his mouth nodding.

 

“uh…nice room! This must all be worth a fortune? Hey can I touch one of the guitars? I wont break it I promise! I used to play a little …I suck but I know some stuff, wow this ones awesome!”

 

Sebastian stood on front of Lauri’s latest addition to his collection, a black gibbon les paul. Vintage, had passed through a lot of hands and it cost him almost everything he made from his cut of their last album but he had to have it. He wasn’t protective of any of his guitars except his prized black acoustic which Niki had gotten made for him , Kimi had picked the wood and the color and it was engraved on the back. Lauri wouldn’t let anyone play it.

 

“Can I see this one?” Lauri nodded and shrugged.

 

“Sure, just don’t drop it or ill drop you…on your head!” Sebastian laughed heartily. Lauri went back to his scribbling and seb sat on one of the armchairs with the guitar plucking notes. Lauri had to resist the urge to interrupt as the notes seb was picking where all off key and it was making his head hurt.

 

Lauri remembered after a few moments that he had something he had to ask Sebastian.

 

“Hey seb” finally the annoying notes stopped, lauri was grateful

 

“Sorry …I did tell you I suck!” Lauri turned from the piano and smiled , then chewed his lip for a moment thinking.

 

“ville…how do you know him? And don’t say you don’t cause I know you do. He didn’t just randomly appear in the parking lot.”

 

Sebastian looked away. Unlike Nico he couldn’t spin a clever lie, and the truth was always better anyway. But the whole truth would involve confessing something that he didn’t want kimis brother to know. But Lauri was trustworthy and Sebastian did like him, Nico thought he was a freak , so did mika and David. Sebastian had to admit he admired him, Lauri couldn’t give a fuck what people said about his looks. And he was attractive , in the same manly way that kimi was .

 

“I … he recognized me in a bar once. Guess he knew Nico or something , well he knew kimi for sure. Cause obviously he knows you and kimi are brothers, anyways I obviously knew byt that stage that ville is your biological brother . And when we met we made a deal , id help ville to meet you if…” seb trailed off he was so ashamed. He had really wanted to ruin Nico and ville could have done anything to him! Seb was so lucky things never got that far…

 

“If?” lauri repeated urging him to continue.

 

“if he would find away to help me ruin Nico, so that…” Seb chocked he was about to confess to Lauri. Confess to the first person ever that he loved Kimi.

 

“So that I could be with Kimi…because I love him, im in love with him”

 

Lauri couldn’t deny that he was actually shocked. Sebastian played with the strings on the guitar avoiding his gaze.

 

“I’m sorry” seb whispered weakly “id have sold you off to ville against your will, to get what I wanted, everything about it was selfish and wrong. I was just so hurt. Nico doesn’t deserve him! Maybe I don’t either…bet then neither of us should have him. I really hate Nico …” seb tried to hold back tears.

 

“Growing up he was so hard on me and all I ever wanted was his approval, he took everything I had away! My cars, my toys , my friends…kimi. He takes everything and he ruins it! Im so glad he’s not actually my brother , id hate if we shared blood!”

 

Lauri wasn’t really in the best frame of mind to help Sebastian, he had to much going on in his own world to be any kind of help. So he just listened. He wasn’t even angry with Sebastian about the thing with ville. His heart felt heavy for the youngster, it was very apparent that Sebastian really had fallen badly for kimi.

 

Sebastian suddenly pulled himself together, realizing he was sounding of on a young man who had just been through hell.

 

“god im so sorry lauri! Im such a idiot, please forgive me I didn’t mean to barge in and start all this! This is the last thing in the world you need right now! Are you hungry? I could fix u lunch? or i…” Lauri held his hand up to stop seb going into one of his rants.

 

“Its fine, Sebastian . Really. I’m just sorry I can’t be of any help. I wish I had something to say to you, advice to give. But I’m the last person you should listen to even if I did have anything to say.”

 

Seb stood and put back the guitar, then walked slowly over to the piano sitting on the floor next to lauri.

 

“so when did you start to play?” Lauri smiled warmly at him.

 

“Around three years old maybe?, my mother played. She would place my hands on the keys and use her finger to press mine down to make the notes, like this give me your hand”

 

Seb sat next to lauri and placed his hand on the keys. Lauri placed his own hand over Sebastian’s spreading his finger over Sebastian’s and gently pushing them down in a sequence, which actually sounded good! Sebastian laughed in delight, lauri took his other hand and did the same.

 

Lauri’s hands where soft except for his finger tips which had rough callouses from playing guitar. His nails where as usual , painted black, the polish now chipping as it was obviously weeks old. His fingers had a nice shape to them, the kind you see on the hands of people who play music.

 

Lauri guided Sebastian’s hands over the keys playing a few notes from the song Sebastian had heard as he walked in the door.

 

“What is that? That piece of music..” lauri continued to press Sebastian’s fingers gently down over the keys.

 

“Nothing, just something that’s been in my head a little while, this isn’t so hard is it? Id have you playing piano in a few month’s easy” Lauri sounded so confident about that, it made Sebastian almost want to ask for lessons! But he knew he had no real gift for music, Nico could play the piano…but nothing like lauri. Lauri was a musical genius.

 

They didn’t hear the footsteps coming up the stairs or the laughter that echoed in the hallway, Lauri’s bedroom door flew open and Kimi entered with a huge smile on his face Nico behind, both laughing until they saw lauri and Sebastian. The music stopped and seb met kimis eyes. Kimi looked from him to lauri and all the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end , he felt himself becoming angry, and he didn’t know why.

 

Nico smiled at them , not seeing anything untoward and grinned mockingly at Sebastian.

 

“id give up Lauri , he couldn’t play if you tried  teaching him for years! Hes tone deaf also!” Nico laughed and patted kimis back, not noticing how stiff kimi had become.

 

Lauri noticed instantly the change in Kimi. It took him less than ten seconds to pin point what was going through his brother’s head. Kimi was jealous and obviously thought Sebastian was getting to close to him. And then another thought hit Lauri, what if Sebastian’s interest in kimi was based on something? What if kimi to desired Sebastian also? Sebs words rang in his head

 

_‘He took everything I had away! My cars, my toys , my friends…kimi. He takes everything and he ruins it!’_

 

Lauri to had to admit he never was and never would be a Nico fan; Nico had stolen Kimi away again just when Lauri needed him the most. Lauri wanted his brother back. But would his brother be better off with Sebastian? The answer was glaringly obvious. Lauri didn’t really think, he just placed his hands back over sebs and leaned a little closer than would be considered friendly then met kimis eyes again. Kimi was furious. Lauri thought knew just the trick to start cracking holes in Kimi and Nicos relationship.

 

Make kimi desire Sebastian…by making Kimi think that Sebastian was lost to him.

 

Sebastian felt a little uncomfortable as Lauri’s breath ghosted his ear lobe. Nico pulled kimi out of the room, but Kimi caught sight of Sebastian tremble against Lauri and his chest constricted painfully. Back in the hallways Nico started chatting animatedly with Kimi about something. Lauri didn’t miss the backwards glance that Kimi gave them both.

 

 

 

 


	136. Twisted Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico once again lets his mind run away with him causing Kimi massive hurt and distress...

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10959672_403173479857494_1414979202155610645_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/9fc15abc-7b84-4f88-8f5a-fa7a8c584801.jpg.html)

 

 

 

Lauri went to bed hungry that evening. Nico had stayed for dinner and Lauri couldn’t bare sitting at that table watching James and Niki struggle to pretend that they even accepted this relationship. He just couldn’t sit there and fake interest in Kimi’s racing and watch them fall over one another, it made him feel sick. Sebastian had left in a hurry after things had gotten awkward.

 

It must have been at least 3am , and lauri kept tossing and turning, it was to warm and he sweating. The house was eerily quiet; he assumed Nico and kimi had booked a hotel room. He doubted Niki was letting them stay over , together, in kimis old bedroom. That would just be weird. Lauri was just finally drifting off to sleep when his room door cracked open. He stilled completely and closed his eyes tight. Whoever it was checking in on him would probably leave if they thought he was asleep, the floorboards creaked a little. Lauri was not in the mood for either of his fathers sitting by his bedside watching him, he wasn’t a child anymore!

 

His bed dipped and he felt the sheets move around him, whoever it was , was getting into the bed behind him. Lauri would have panicked if it weren’t for the familiar minty shampoo smell and the fact that the person had really cold hands and feet! Kimi.

 

Kimi settled a little. Then around five minutes later Lauri felt the bed moving as he shuffled to get comfortable. Lauri lay on his side back to kimi eyes tightly closed and waited for the scuffling to stop. It did ..for  a few minutes then kimi moved again. Around the seventh time lauri cracked and elbowed him.

 

“Stop moving!” he hissed under his breath. The shuffling stopped again and lauri could feel kimis shoulder against his back , then kimi started drumming the bed sheets with his fingers. Obviously Kimi was agitated, but he had not bugged Lauri like this for years!

 

Lauri waited knowing eventually Kimi would crack.

 

“was seb coming onto you?” kimi whispered , lauri sighed heavily into the darkness and turned forcing kimi to move over. They where now both lying on there backs, lauri turned his head though he could barely see kimi through the darkness.

 

“So what if he was? Is that a problem?” kimi tensed up next to him.

 

“Lauri of course that’s a problem! You don’t need that in your life , more complications. Ill tell him to piss off if he’s bugging you?”

 

Lauri hadn’t expected things to go like this. Earlier he thought kimi was gunning for him, that they would end up fighting. But it seemed he had the wrong end of the stick…kimi was worried and concerned about him…not jealous of what relationship he might have with Sebastian??

 

Lauri however wasn’t buying that. Once again he put 2 and 2 together. Kimi was indeed jealous and now he was playing the caring older brother card to fend lauri off and make sure nothing happened with Sebastian. Lauri didn’t think for one moment Kimi was greedy , it seemed he was wrong. Having Nico and wanting Sebastian not to be with anyone else because he also wanted him , was selfish and wrong and Lauri was disappointed in him.

 

“where’s princess?” lauri replied, ignoring kimis comments.

 

“Don’t call him that!...and he’s asleep” Lauri was shocked and glad kimi couldn’t see his face. Nico was staying over? And kimi was in bed with him instead? Something wasn’t adding up….

 

“In your room or one of the spares?” Lauri could feel kimi getting more and more uncomfortable next to him.

 

“in..my room” something was very off. Lauri was slightly concerned now.

 

“Why are you in here with me then?” kimi didn’t reply, a few minutes past the silence was eerie.

 

“kimi what’s going on?” Still no reply, but kimi wasn’t sleeping lauri could hear the sharp intakes of breath. 

 

“I thought you’d be sleeping, I just wanted ten minuets peace with you. I haven’t seen you properly all day and you didn’t come to dinner…I miss you Lauri”

 

Lauri didn’t mean to but he huffed dismissively. Kimi had not called for weeks, he didn’t miss him one bit!

 

“Forgive me my if I don’t believe you. You know everything I am going through right now, a phone call wouldn’t have killed you brother dear”

 

That burned. Kimi took it even harder because he knew it was true. He wanted to blame Nico and say to lauri how over powering he was and how kimi could barely move or breathe, but the reality was kimi wasn’t even fighting it. He had his own mind and could tell Nico to piss off at any time but hadn’t. He felt immense guilt, towards both of them.

 

he felt he owed Nico all of his time and undivided attention after years and years of failed attempts at making a relationship work. Lauri …he loved more than the waking world and felt such intense emotion for, that it scared him. The reality that they where blood related was for him something wonderful but for lauri it was almost devastating. Lauri almost seemed to feel as biological cousins that they could no longer be ‘brothers’ and the relationship felt changed form his end. Kimi didn’t like that, he didn’t like it one bit and now when lauri called him ‘brother’ the word seemed laced with fakeness instead of fondness.

 

“You sound so like Niki.” Kimi remembered fondly in his childhood hearing Niki call James ‘James dear’ whenever he was pissed off at him.

 

“Maybe it’s a good thing one of us does.”

 

“Look lau I don’t wanna fight. Im sorry I’ve been distant, we can talk more tomorrow. I have some things of my own going on. Nothing compared to your troubles but still my life isn’t easy right now either, and I just need to be close to you. I feel like you’ve changed towards me…you still love me don’t you? Even if you no longer think of me the same, since our news”

 

There hushed voices had attracted Nicos attention on his way back from the bathroom , he had woken to an empty bed and figured kimi had gone down stairs for a glass of water or something. But on his way back to kimis bedroom he heard there voices through the crack in Lauris bedroom door, he leaned in to hear better.

 

“Kimi if you ever have to question whether or not I love you then we are going to fall out” kimi smiled at that and laughed softly.

 

“I’m sorry you feel I changed in some way towards you. I’m dealing with it, it’ll pass. The news was hard on me especially discovering ville…but you are and always will be my big brother. No one can take your place”

 

Kimi turned onto his side and placed a hand on Lauri’s chest.

 

“Promise me? even if you and ville ever talk and form a bond. Promise me im always your brother no matter what? If I need you…if you need me, were gonna be there . You know you could call me in the middle of a race over that radio thing and id come get you ”

 

It was Lauri’s turn to laugh his chest resonated against the palm of kimis hand .

 

“That id love to see! And you know its more than a promise , promises can be Brocken and we cannot break this.” Kimi suddenly felt lighter like a massive weight was lifted. Lauri was always going to be there, they could fight, spend years apart and come back to the same place in there relationship. The waters always seemed to clam for them unlike with Nico where kimi was bracing himself all the time for a storm. Lauri wanted to ask more about Sebastian and what exactly was going on in kimis head when it came to him, but he could raise those concerns another time.

 

“Lauri?” Kimi whispered into the darkness.  A quite “hmm” was the reply.

 

“what about you and…Aki?” Lauri wasn’t ready to go there, the very name was painful even after spending months touring together cramped into that awful faulty tour bus with no water no warmth and not enough food. They had started to rely on one another again , but Aki had betrayed him. Betrayed his secret, an awful past fill of self harm and depression. Lauri just couldn’t forgive. He felt his eyes stinging, but he wouldn’t cry not tonight. Tonight his brother was with him.

 

“go to sleep kimi” He murmured back. And silence fell between them

 

 

Nico was outside feeling sick, they where making him sick. Their relationship was worrying. Nico had to get kimi out of that house in the morning. Nico was desperately trying to battle away the horrible nightmarish imagery running through his head of the two brothers …it was wrong he knew that. And deep down he knew there was nothing like that between them, but he was becoming paranoid, it wouldn’t be kimis doing if something strange happened between them , it would be all lauri. Lauri was sick, sick in the head and that made him a threat.

 

The hushed voices had completely silenced. Nico so badly wanted to look into that room. Kimi was in there and Lauri had him….it was wrong kimi should be sound asleep by his side.

 

Lauri had began to drift off, his chest rising and falling slower and slower until eventually he was gone. Kimi kept his hand on his chest; just his brother’s breath was enough to comfort him, and the soft rhythm of his heart beating against kimi’s palm. Kimi told himself all he needed was those ten minutes peace. Just ten minutes to watch his brother sleeping. Five minutes was all it took for him to doze off . Both of them curled into one another echoing days long past when they couldn’t sleep in there own rooms due to the monsters and the shadows. There was no monsters now, none except the ones in there heads.

 

Nico waited and waited. Ajax bounded up the stairs and passed him nudging Lauris room door open that little bit further and jumping onto the bed to sleep at Kimi and Lauri’s feet . Nico look in , he could see much but the two where asleep and very close together , Eventually he went back to kimis room and lay on the bed , tears staining the pillow he cried himself to sleep. And all night he dreamed of Eero.

 

Niki, always the earliest to rise had been shocked and delighted to find both the boys that morning . Lauri fast asleep with kimi lying on his chest, also dead to the world. He left them like that, they needed a lie in. Ajax would leave the room even as he tryied puling on the stiborn german shephards colar, the dog was ahd somehow gotten it into its thick skull that they needed watched over, so niki gave up and the Dobermans followed him to the kitchen. Hge didn’t give Nico a second thought as he went down stairs to prepare breakfast , followed minutes later by James.

 

“Morning honey” James cooed , and Niki rolled his eyes.

 

“Do me a favor?” James yanked open the fridge and took a large drink of orange straight from the bottle, which he knew Niki hated. Niki glared at him and James smiled cheekily.

 

“What darling?”

 

Niki swatted him with the nearest dish towel

 

“ouch!!”

 

“First use a fucking glass! Second get the camera and go up stairs to lau’s room. Don’t ask questions just go”

 

Niki threatened him with the towel gain and James jumped holding his hands up in surrender.

 

“Im going! Im going! Calm it!” Niki smiled fondly as James walked off to search for there old polaroid.

 

James padded up the stairs barefoot as usual. And went into Lauri’s room. The two where both in the exact same position, and James actually ‘awww’d’ when he saw them. The dog growled to warn him off.

 

“shut it you” James snapped back at him.

 

He quickly snapped two photos and took a moment to stare. He approached the bed slowly and caressed Lauri’s hair and kimis arm, he was bursting with pride . It just broke his heart that neither seemed happy. They deserved happiness and that’s all James wanted for them, true happiness in their lives.

 

James took one last look as he went to re join Niki in the kitchen, successfully dragging Ajax after him by the colar! . Kimi started to stir when the smell of food hit his sensitive nose. He was so comfortable he didn’t want to move. He was lying on someone’s chest, he nuzzled the soft skin under his cheek and his eyes fluttered open it took a moment for his vision to clear and when he looked down , the other persons torso it was familiar but it wasn’t Nico , he spied the black ‘dynasty tattoo’ on the inside of the persons forearm and smiled , Lauri. Of course it was Lauri, no one else’s chest was that comfy.

 

Kimi yawned, the warm air hit Lauri’s chest causing him to shiver a little. Kimi gave his brother a few more moments rest before patting him on the shoulder , and pushing himself up so he was looking down at him.

 

“lau , get up. Wakey wakey bird brain”

 

Lauri stretched like a cat and yawned then mumbled “few more minutes”.

Kimi shook him playfully.

 

“get uuuuuppp” lauri wasn’t amused and grunted in protest. Kimi was then hit with the realization that Nico would wake up alone and wonder where he was.

 

“shit!” he yelled and got out of the bed as quickly as he could , lauri eyed him confused , still half asleep.

 

Kimi opened his bedroom door slowly, Nico was showered and dressed and watching his TV. He didn’t acknowledge kimi as he entered the room.

 

“hey…im so sorry Nico! I just went to check in on Lau during the night and I must have fallen asleep…”

 

Nico made a face, sighed and switched off the TV , the look he gave kimi would have sunk ships. Kimi stood nervously and waited for the backlash. What He didn’t expect was for Nico to be so cruel.

 

“Do you have any idea how messed up it is that we come here to your parents house as a couple and the first night you spend in bed with your own brother? Explain that to me kimi cause I really don’t get it. This obsession you have with that freak, and sorry kimi but that’s what he is a freak. im really uncomfortable in this house with him …and especially how you are with him. I want to leave , both of us we’ll find a hotel I don’t even trust you staying with me at mikas incase I find you curled up with Sebastian!”

 

Kimi was to hurt and to angry to respond, he stormed out of the room , down the stairs and out into the back yard passing Niki and James in the kitchen. All the dogs bounded out after him.

 

Lauri passed Nico in the upstairs hallway and drew him a look that could kill.

 

“Freak ?? You know the walls are pretty thin in this house princess, Id hold your tongue if I were you. Or actually, keep going this helps me out a lot, I know someone who can take Kimi away from you forever”

 

Was that a challenge? Nico folded his arms across his chest.

 

“You? That’s rather incestuous , you're disgusting!” Lauri laughed, the sound was so evil Nico backed away instantly.

 

“ow nico, nico , nico. You Can’t even see what’s before your very eyes. Im going to enjoy this”

 

When lauri entered the kitchen, Niki instantly quizzed him about Kimi suddenly storming off.

 

“Did you and kimi fight this morning?” he asked concerned, lauri clad only in his boxer shorts fetched the bottle of orange from the fridge and like James drunk straight from the bottle. It seemed he picked up a little of both there habits just like kimi. Lauri’s reply made James choke and Niki go deathly pale

 

“Nico thinks me and kimi are screwing”

 

 

 

 

 


	137. Parents, pups and....tennis balls?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauri has an 'ah ha; moment , and some unexpected visitors arrive at the house...

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/kimi%20and%20ajax.jpg.html)

 

The look on Nikis face made Lauri want to burst out laughing but he held it in , he noticed kimi outside in the yard with Ajax and the Dobermans throwing the ball for them a little to violently , the dogs could barely retrieve it to bring it back to him.

 

Lauri went outside to join him, ignoring his fathers questioning looks and eager to avoid further questioning! . Ajax lost all interest in Kimi and the ball the minuie Lauri entered the back yard and bounded towards him tongue hanging out of his mouth in sheer excitement. Kimi looked over and watched the excited dog start jumping into the air and barking. It was amusing to watch Lauri attempt to dodge getting knocked over! Lauri strongly disliked dogs, even though he had gotten kimi the puppy he wasn’t at all fond of the pack mutts!

 

“Down you horrid drooling moronic animal” Kimi couldn’t help it he started to giggle. The scene was just to amusing, he forgot about Nico, his comments and his anger.

 

“Hey don’t talk to him like that! he just wants to play”  Lauri trotted across the yard Ajax closely following him looking up at him expectantly . It was a warm morning and both of them where clad in there underwear and nothing else.

 

“Here” kimi shoved the drool covered tennis ball into Lauri’s hand.

 

“eugh!!!!” before lauri could protest further there was five dogs at his feet waiting patiently. Five well known aggressive breeds , completely at his control all because he had that ball. It felt a little like power.

 

He toyed with them passing the ball between his hands and watching there eyes and heads dart from side to side.

 

“Stop teasing them and throw the goddamn ball!”  Lauri had gone into a little day dream and couldn’t really hear kimi anymore watching the dogs reminded him of , kimi , of aki and Sebastian and of Eero. If you had that tennis ball you had the control. So what was Nicos tennis ball? What was he flashing before kimi to make him so attentive? Maybe lauri didn’t need Sebastian to break this hold Nico had , all he had to do was find the tennis ball….

 

Kimi clicked his fingers on front of his brother’s face “lauri?? Hey! Yoo hoo wake up!” one of the Dobermans barked loudly and lauri snapped out of it and fired the ball the five dogs flew in the direction it had landed falling over one another to get it.

 

“They really are dumb animals…” kimi gazed at lauri raising an eyebrow , that wasn’t a sarcastic comment

 

“we aren’t so different from them though…dangle the right thing on front of us and we will all sit , stay and roll over.” Kimi looked his brother over concerned, he placed a hand on Lauri’s shoulder, his brother seemed distant again. Lauri shook his head as if trying to shake out those thoughts then smiled at kimi.

 

“Anyway I prefer cats!” Kimi grinned and shoved him playfully.

“Damn cats! They are so un affectionate! And selfish, come back to be fed and watered then leave again! Come to think of it….no wonder you like cats! Your like one!”

 

Lauri shoved him back and mocked offense. The whole thing escalate into a wrestling match , Niki and James attention was suddenly drawn outside when there was shouting and laughing and the dogs had broke out into fits of excited barking.

 

Nico hadn’t shown face and Lauri’s comment had bewildered both of them, they wanted answers and then again they didn’t…when they saw the two in the yard , Niki knew exactly what must have happened. Nico of course was making mountains out of molehills and trying to get another hold over Kimi by accusing his relationship with Lauri of being ‘something else’ Niki was not stupid. He was wise to him, James however seemed a little more concerned by the statement Lauri had made…

 

“Maybe we should break that up…” Niki made a face at him

 

“Please tell me why exactly? Its not like they are actually fighting” James looked nervous

 

“Niki come on…they’re in there twenties now…and there outside wrestling in there underwear? Are we really allowing this?”

 

Niki rolled his eyes sometimes it was alarming how often James forgot that this was Finland and grown men who knew nothing of one another went naked to the sauna together! They had brought there sons up in a very free way and if a paranoid Nico had James re thinking the way they had raised there sons, Niki would have to hit him with something …hard.

 

“James , take a breath. For fuck sake lauri was being sarcastic, and even if Nico thinks that about them…that says more about Nico than the boys. We raised them to love each other, just because Nico has no basis for comparison in Sebastian doesn’t mean he can suddenly ridicule our boys!”

 

Niki had to finish there as both approached the house and bound into the kitchen, kimi now in much brighter spirits. They where covered in grass and had mud stains on there knees, thighs, arms necks and backs. Niki instantly transformed into his overbaring nagging self once again.

 

“No no! Hold it! Get in the showers! Do not walk mud all through my house!” James knew Niki was right about everything as usual, and moments like these where what he loved about this family. His wonderful husband nagging there sons about making a mess! He lived for these moments.

 

“isa im starving!!!!” kimi protested eyeing the eggs and bacon and rye bread all on the counter waiting for him…

 

Niki attempted to shoved kimi and lauri who were taller and stronger to the direction of the down stairs bathroom.

 

“Get cleaned up! Now! Go!” both boys laughed all the way to the bathroom and it was completely ignored that they entered together. It was normal, it always had been, nothing the boys where doing was out of character . It was Nico who was causing the problems.

 

When Nico finally showed face, Niki couldn’t look at him and couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge his presence either. Nico was highly offended and it showed, he had always admired Niki and at one point Niki had thought very highly of him and they had been close, he wondered what had changed…

 

James played the more courteous role, saving Nikis back.

 

“Morning Rosberg” and there it was …’Rosberg’ not Nico . This was awful , Nico wanted out of that house immediately, he felt like a complete stranger . These two men had bathed and cared for him as a child, they had read him bed time stories and nursed him back to health when he was ill.

 

“Where’s kimi?” Nico chocked biting back an onslaught of emotion caused by all the fond memories, Niki took this opportunity presented to him to throw gasoline onto the all ready raging fire oblivious to Nicos pain.

 

“Showering with Lauri” Niki chirped happily arranging the bacon and eggs onto the rye bread making the boys a pair of super sandwiches after their showers.

 

Like mostly all finish house holds the bathrooms where ‘wet rooms’ they where tilled from ceiling to floor and had  a shower for each family member. The hunt laudas was unusual because it also had a bath and the sauna was next to the showers through a door at the back. James could see Nico practically touring the bathroom in his head to figure out where kimi might be and where lauri might be. James was really shocked by how anxious and disgusted Nico looked.

 

“Tell kimi I went home” Nico lifted his back from the hallway and left , the front door slamming behind him.

 

“Bye then!”  Niki laughed, James didn’t find it very amusing. He could slightly see Nicos side of things…kimi hadn’t spent the night with him and was actually actively ignoring him, but then James couldn’t help thinking there was more to it..kimi wouldn’t just be so distant with Nico without reason, kimi was loyal and attentive. James needed to call mika; he knew Nico talked to mika. But was it wise for parents to be interfering? He felt so conflicted.

 

James was once again distracted when the boy’s re- emerged clad in a pair of towels. Neither bothered to get dressed and both waited like patient school boys at a canteen as Niki served them there plates. Kimi practically inhaled his food, lauri watching him with wide eyes slightly unbelieving of just how much kimi could fit in his mouth! Niki stood by the dinning table a hand on James shoulder watching them , James rubbed his arm lovingly.

 

Everything felt so normal, even if only for a moment. The court case about Lauri’s baby was momentarily forgotten and kimi hadn’t even asked where Nico was or if he had come down for breakfast. The boys where to distracted by one another and Niki and James where distracted by them.

 

The doorbell rang, only James seemed interested enough to get up and answer it. Niki joined the boys at the breakfast bar. James dreaded that it might be Nico back to cause trouble.

 

When he opened the door his morning just got a whole lot better, there stood aki in a vest shirt and shorts looking more than a little sunburnt.

 

“Hey Isa... I went for a run with Eero…he stopped at the last town but I thought since we where close to here id come say hi …and ask for some water..i think im gonna pass out!”

 

Aki was heaving like he had just run a marathon but then again Helsinki was a loooong way away especially if they had walked/ran! James beckoned him inside.

 

“You walked this whole way? Are you nuts?!” James eyed him highly amused.

 

“It was Eeros idea! Hes on a health kick thing…lots of running and shit…god im exhausted! I’m going to die!” aki bent over hands on his knees and heaved.

 

“James who is it?” Niki called from the kitchen , James wasn’t sure exactly how lauri or kimi was going to react to there visitor. But lauri had just finished a tour with the band so he had to assume him and aki where on ok terms.

 

“Its ugh…Aki” James heard a chair screech in the kitchen and lauri appeared almost instantly. Still clad his towel, Aki straightened up almost immediately  and James watched as Aki eyed lauri longingly. There was a moment’s tension then the air settled and the boys embraced. James sighed in relief.

 

“Isa!” lauri called to the kitchen “ is there any food left or did the waste disposal unit inhale everything?”

 

“oi shut up!” kimi protested from the kitchen , lauri could here Niki laughing.

 

“Come in Aki ill fix you something”

 

Aki followed lauri back to the kitchen and raised a hand to kimi and Niki.

 

“moi” he said nervously , James patted his back and pulled a spare chair over to the breakfast bar. Niki placed a plate on front of him with everything kimi hadn’t yet managed to devour from breakfast. Moments later the clear patio doors leading into the back yard slid open and Sebastian appeared.

 

“ow…sorry! Didn’t know you had visitors I can leave again” Sebastiab looked awkward and retreated back out the doors, Niki objected and invited him back inside.

 

“Might as well join us , full house!” Niki added cheerfully. Sebastian sat next to Lauri, Aki next to kimi who seemed slightly off at first , but lauri kicked him under the table and gave him ‘the eyes’ . Moments later all four where talking, James was reading his English paper and Niki was finally free to eat his own breakfast.

 

Nico had arrived home him in floods of tears racing up the stairs and Mika had sent Sebastian off to the hunt lauda house to fetch kimi and get to the bottom of things. Of course Sebastian had now conveniently forgotten his task and was starring adoringly at kimi , Aki mirroring that look but in Lauri’s direction.

 

Nico wept uncontrollably and didn’t make much sense when Mika and David tried to console him and get to the cause of his upset. Mika called Keke but there was no answer and the boys mother wasn’t available either. Mika was struck by just how alone Nico was…there was no one who would come when he needed them, even Mika had not been unavailable most of the time. Busy caring for Sebastian with his new partner.

 

Mika stormed out of his driveway up the road and through the short growth of trees until he reached Niki and James house. There was no way he was standing for Kimi treating his son this way. It was time to take action.

 

 


	138. The young and hopeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two families are at war, can things ever settle? what will become of nico and kimi? lauri and aki? sebastian?

 

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_nbcalaxlwW1srpsueo9_1280.jpg.html)

Mika Knocked and knocked on the front door bur received no answer. He rounded the house to the back clear glass patio doors leading to the kitchen and looked in. Niki and James where at the dinning table sharing a couple of beers with some music playing, some kind of Austrian music . The kind he knew James hated but Niki insisted on playing. There was no sign of Sebastian or there own two boys. Mika rattled the glass with his fist to try and get their attention.  On the third try the dogs all raced into the kitchen and erupted barking angrily at the glass doors, Eventually James head shot up and he looked round for the source of the commotion.

 

His eyes met Mikas through the glass and instantly James had two thoughts about letting there ‘friend’ in. It was like he predicted events which where to follow. However against his better judgment he silenced the music, and the dogs, which drew Nikis attention at last and James let Mika inside.

 

There was no ‘hello, how are you?’ no friendly greetings instead mika launched into an attack on kimi.

 

“Where is he? My son is crying his eyes out! Where is your kimi! get him here now, I wants a word! How dare he treat Nico like this! Scum , scum he is! fame has gone to his head and now he thinks he can do as he likes? No! not to Nico! Get him, right now!”

 

Before James could intervene Niki went for the kill , no holding back

 

“your son? Your son?! What a fucking laugh!!! Keke’s son you mean, who you suddenly acquired because his mother and keke could no longer be bothered with his shit! He is a manipulative, horrible excuse for a young man! He is ruining my sons life! I have no idea where it all went wrong with him , but it has gone very very fucking wrong , this is all Nicos doing, do not blame my kimi! And do not bardge into my house knowing everything my family is going through!! you have no fucking idea what caused this , Nico accused my boys of something absolutely disgusting did he tell you that? I bet he never! , What a twisted kid! I want him away from my kimi!”

 

Mike got right in Nikis face and James reacted pushing him backwards with some force

 

“How dare you!” mika bellowed at Niki.

 

“Get the fuck out of my house Mika! Get out!” Niki screamed back. There was thudding on the stairs and the four young men appeared in the kitchen. Sebastian round Niki and James to stand next to mika. Lauri, Kimi and Aki at Niki and James back. Mika and Sebastian where outnumbered , Niki and James had the defense of three very fierce young men , with very different yet deadly tempers.

 

“what’s going on?” Sebastian asked sounding rather timid all of a sudden. Moments ago he was part of the pack , now he knew they wouldn’t think twice to turn on him in defense of there fathers. Sebastian also sensed he was very much standing on the wrong side.

 

“He” mika pointed at Kimi “should have been left to freeze that winter! He causes nothing but chaos!” Mika didn’t mean it, deep down of course he didn’t and part of him knew all this was probably Nicos doing, but he had to defend him because no one else would. But in that moment he said it with such ferocity that Kimi actually took a step back , eyes wide in disbelief. His uncle Mika, who defended him and stood by him and rescued him years ago from the bitter cold and showed him the magical lights burning across the skies, that same man wished him dead? Wished he had died? Where had everything gone so wrong?

 

Then Mika attacked Lauri “ and him! what on earth possessed you to adopt that! Nothing by trouble both of them!”

Lauri didn’t need to step in to defend himself or kimi , Aki was immediately at there defense.

 

“Get out!” he stood on front of Niki and James and approached Mika . James and Niki where shocked at his sudden action.

 

“Niki told you to get the fuck out of his house! So get out!!!” Aki screamed, Sebastian pulled and Mika desperately. Aki may have repented for his sins but Sebastian still feared that he more than anyone was capable of awful things and Sebastian didn’t want to suffer at his hands as Nico had done.

 

“isa please…lets just go” Kimi saw the tears start to stream down Sebastian’s face, he looked so utterly guilty. Guilty for what though? Mika turned him anger clear in his eyes.

 

“you…don’t you dare come home. I sent you here to get kimi so we could fix this and help your brother, but you don’t care one bit about Nico. Go back to Germany Sebastian!”

 

Mika left and Sebastian tried to follow shaking and crying calling after mika pleading “isa please!! Im sorry! Please no I can’t go back! Please!”

 

Mika walked away without a backwards glance. Sebastian fell to his knees in the yard and cried. Lauri dashed out after him . He sat behind Sebastian and placed an arm round him.

 

“Its ok. You can stay here. I promise. Niki and James wouldn’t ever send you back against your will. It’ll all be ok. Trust me” Sebastian sniffed and hid his face in the crook of Lauri’s neck. Aki watched as did kimi, both struck with painful pangs of jealousy.  Kimi in blind rage stormed past them . lauri stood instantly calling after hm.

 

“hey! Where are you going!” kimi shot back

 

“im getting Nico and we are going home! I’ve had enough!” James and Niki rushed out  after him .

 

“Kimi get back here now don’t be so stupid! Kimi!!” James shouted , kimi broke into a run , James and Niki didn’t have the energy to peruse him. Lauri was hurt, angry and disappointed.

 

“Let him go” he said quietly , the sound of defeat clear in his voice. “I can’t care any more. Its to hard” Lauri’s shoulders fell , he looked completely deflated. Aki placed a hand on his arm.

 

“Come back inside , sit down and lets just forget this” lauri wished it was that simple, he followed aki anyway back into the house where Aki led him to the living area and lauri curled up on the couch in the fetal position and refused to speak another word. Ajax nudged his arm and whined as if he two was crying.

 

Niki and James did offer Sebastian a place to stay and he and Aki occupied the spare rooms.

 

Kimi didn’t enter Mikas house that afternoon, he didn’t dare instead he stood at the back and chucked some stones at Nicos window. Eventually Nico appeared and looked out a bit bewildered.

 

“Nico!” kimi called up in a hushed voice. Nico looked down and kimis saw just how red and swollen his eyes where. His heart sank.

 

“Grab you bag….please come home with me?”  Nico could hear the genuine plea in kimis voice. He thought for a moment. If he stayed he could draw this out and make kimi really feel how frustrated and angry he was…. But then that meant kimi had more time with lauri…

 

“Wait there” was all Nico said before disappearing. About twenty minutes later , he re appeared with his bag and they caught a cab to the airport. Kimi couldn’t face going back home to retrieve his car. Nico left a note which David read to Mika, it was the last straw for Nico. Mika was done with both of them. He left Keke an angry voice message and wiped his hands of it all.

 

A mouth later when kimi finally plucked up enough courage to call home and beg forgiveness and plead for Nico to be given another try. Niki had listened and when kimi had finished , he hung up on him. Kimi was devastated, and finally Nico saw just how much of a rift he had caused and how much trouble and heartache he was once again bringing upon kimi. He wanted to fix it. Even if Niki and James never accepted him, maybe they could learn to tolerate him. At least for kimis sake.

 

So Nico called the next evening and braced himself

 

“Niki? It’s me Nico. Please don’t hang up mi. beginning you! Look , kimi needs to come home. He needs some family time. His races are disastrous, the last two he hasn’t finished! Ill stay here , ill stay away , I promise. For what its worth I’m sorry . he needs you all please just let him come back home”

 

The line was silent, Nico had no idea he was actually talking to Aki.

 

“Tell kimi he can come home any time he likes as soon as he’s gotten rid of you”  Nico gasped in shock, all the horrible memories of what aki did to him came flooding back and akis voice sounded exactly as it had done back then , before Nico could panic further the  line went dead.

 

Why was Aki answering the phone in that house? Had he moved in?

 

James overheard Aki on the phone and when Aki threw down the receiver and turned round James was standing behind him looking less than pleased. Aki averted his eyes.

 

“Sorry…it wasn’t my place” James folded his arms across his chest , he felt like he was about to scold a child not a twenty something young man.

 

“No it wasn’t. Don’t answer our phone again Aki , your lucky it was me and not Niki who caught you!” Aki shuddered at the thought.

 

“right well. Lecture over , scram” Aki got up and quickly made himself scarce. James called back and despite his distain for Nico , he heard what the young man had to say and made it clear kimi could come home but he was not welcome. The same arrangement was made in Mikas house, Nico was eventually welcome back but kimi and Sebastian where not to cross over the doorway every again. That hurt Sebastian far more than kimi.

 

Despite Niki and James generosity , a month with two new young adults was disrupting the house hold. Niki didn’t want to seem selfish but he’d rather Sebastian went else where, Lauri was going through to much and Aki was an understandable addition to the household , as he was James biological son and was also providing support for Lauri. Sebastian on the other hand was moping around and didn’t quite know what to do with himself. Niki entertained calling Keke , but couldn’t bring himself to do it…he didn’t want to hurt Sebastian further. Then Kimi arrived home, tail between his legs , and everyone walked on egg shells. Especially Aki and Sebastian and Lauri wasn't speaking to him, again. 

 

Thankfully an alternative to the Sebastian issue was provided by a rather unexpected source. Eero. It hadn’t even crossed James mind that Sebastian could go to the flat in Helsinki but on a random visit to see Lauri, Eero reminded him that Akis room was free, since Aki seemed to have moved into there home, for the time being. Sebastian agreed, he to started to feel like he was imposing. And Eero seemed nice enough…he was not strange or creepy , in fact he made Seb feel calm and like everything would work out ok.

 

The visit seemed to have a calming effect on everyone; Lauri chilled out and spent more time than he had in a mouth in everyone’s presence, miraculously Eero even got him and Kimi talking. Niki then started to relax as did James and Aki smiled knowingly at them all . It was like Eero had magic powers! Maybe he did…. he always left everyone feeling calm and collected. When he entered a room the energy changed.

 

Sebastian left for Helsinki with him later that week. There was no reason for anyone to be concerned, seb as safe with Eero. Niki tried to convince the chilled young man to not be a stranger in there home but Eero was honest and made it clear that he couldn’t risk running into Nico and that Kimi had deeply frightened him. He wasn’t a fighter , he couldn’t face anything like that again.

 

Niki didn’t try to talk him round, Eero offered lauri to stay in the city with them if he ever needed a change of scene and drove of with seb. Kimi sat at his window and watched the car pull away , another piece of his heart taken by the man with soft brown eyes …

 


	139. Intuition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian settles in nicely in Helsinki, Mika must start searching for a way to make amends. Nico and Kimis relationship grow dull , and Lauri struggles to accept that soon he will be responsible for a new life

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_nacxd7CLM71taoflso1_500.png.html)

 

Lauri’s ex was taken into custody after an attack on her parents. She would remain in a secure unit until she gave birth. Now five months pregnant, Niki and James where helped immensely by her error of judgment and Lauri was granted full custody at the moment of birth through the courts mere days after the incident. She was also prosecuted and charged with domestic abuse and other crimes even lauri hadn’t known of.

 

Mika watched Niki and James exiting the courtroom on TV. He hadn’t seen them or heard from them in over a month. Sebastian hadn’t called either. Mika knew of no way to make peace, and he feared he would never be forgiven for his harsh words against Kimi and his mis treatment of Sebastian.

 

Sebastian had settled in well in Helsinki, Eero never said much and left him to his own devices. The guy meditated twice a day, ate healthy and ran a lot. Sebastian hardly saw him and they hadn’t had much time to talk.

 

Kimis season was over. It ended miserably. He returned home with a heavy heart, feeling he had let his family down and not upheld their honor on track. Nico let him go. He had learned a valuable lesson from previous events to not mess with the hunt Lauda clan, and Kimis time at home.

 

There relationship was easier since the fall out. Nico held his tongue and refrained from voicing his opinions, amny of which he knew where unfounded.

It meant they didn’t talk much but also that they didn’t argue. Sex was good, but Kimi wasn’t passionate and Nico wasn’t able to spice things up, he just lost interest in making the activity exciting and allowed Kimi to do as he pleased. They where just two bodies sating a primal need without anything deeper involved.

 

For kimi retuning home to his fathers had never been more difficult. He had failed. When he walked through the door his head hung low his shoulder slumped. Niki could just feel how Brocken he was. He instantly forgot the past argument and He held kimis shoulders squeezing them reassuringly, kimi couldn’t look up so Niki titled his head up by his chin and as always made everything all better again.

 

“I’m so proud of you buba, you did amassing. Many, many more seasons to come. Don’t get dis heartened my brave boy. We couldn’t be any prouder”

 

Kimi welled up and let Niki hold him. He was so overwhelmed , every time he needed them , after everything, no matter what he said or did . They where always there. And when James arrived home from business that evening he took kimi out to yard and they fixed one of the cars together. Just like old times, having a heart to heart over engine parts and getting covered in oil and dirt.

 

Kimi even found comfort in the fact that Aki was kicking around , it meant Lauri was being watched over. And although his reclusive brother didn’t greet him and he may not see him for days. Kimi was at ease, he worried beyond belief about Lauri and it was a weight of his shoulders to have Aki around.

 

Kimi couldn’t hide either that he was delighted about the imminent new addition to there family. A baby…Lauri’s baby. He could barely contain his excitement, he would be an uncle! He already had the kids life planned, he would teach it to race karts! He would design a helmet for it, buy it clothes and sneak it sweets and ice cream! It would love him!

 

Lauri, kimi was informed was far less excited about this. In fact he hated the idea and nothing Niki said made him feel any better. To Kimi’s dismay, James told him Lauri’s firm unwavering mantra had been “ I don’t want this baby”.

 

In Helsinki, Sebastian walked into the living room of the flat one evening and found Eero cross legged on the floor hands in his lap palms facing upwards , eyes closed. Sebastian watched bewildered then crept foreword and waved his hand on front of Eeros face. The was no response , so he did it again giggling to himself.

 

“hi seb” Eero said making Sebastian fall backwards onto his own ass in fright. Eeros eyes opened gently and he smirked at him. Then closed his eyes again. Sebastian waited a moment before interrupting once more

 

“uhm what exactly are you doing?” he asked tilting his head sideways and gazing at Eero.

 

“I’m redecorating,” Sebastian huffed , he knew Eero was meditating he meant what exactly did it involve but Eero was prone to sarcasm a fact Sebastian was yet to discover. “ What does it look like I’m doing?” Eero replied again. Sebastian fell silent and just as Eeros mind seemed to clear and he started to fall deep into mediation , the annoying kid interrupted yet again.

 

“Why do you do that every day?” Eero sighed heavily and opened his eyes. Clearly aggravated. Sebastian never usually bothered him.  But then he never usually meditated in the living room, in the middle of the floor…

 

“Why is the sky blue Sebastian?” Sebastian looked at him confused, Eero concentrated for a moment, trying to determine if Sebastian was a bit ‘simple’. The kids energy and aura all screamed intelligent…but innocence, and innocence bread naivety. He was however, also a lost soul and Eero figured a little introduction to meditation might held clear him out and help him on his way to the greatness Eero could easily predict lay in his very near future. He could feel he was in the presence of someone who would be greatly successful. Suddenly Eero was less aggravated and more interested in the previously unwelcome company.

 

“Lets try something shall we? Seeing as you’re so interested in asking why I do this. Cross your legs, hands in your lap. Ask no questions” seb did as he was told and faced Eero.

 

“Firstly You don’t need to believe anything or be religious yadda yadda blah blah. Its all about you and giving yourself peace and knowing yourself on a different level. No one can do this for you ok? I can teach you a little the rest is up to you. Got it?”

 

“Got it” seb replied. Sebastian was truly interested and wanted to know why Eero did this strange exercise everyday. Eero talked him through the hand gestures and some ‘personal’ questions he could ask himself deep inside, questions Eero said he didn’t need to answer he just had to ask himself and leave the rest to ‘the universe’. Sebastian followed each step, and fifteen minutes past all to quickly. Eero snapped his fingers and seb came out of his peace and suddenly felt refreshed and like he wanted to return and stay longer in that thoughtless quiet space inside himself.

 

“Feel good?” Eero asked, Sebastian beamed. Eero felt his energy stronger than he had felt anyone’s in a long time. The room filled with happiness and wonder.

 

“wow….I really enjoyed that! thank you! Thank you for teaching me!” Eero smiled warmly at him

 

“Pass it on, once you know and experience it for yourself its yours to share.” Sebastian nodded seriously. He knew a few people he would like to pass it onto already!

 

“Eero? How did you come to be …like this? I mean your really different from anyone I’ve ever met. How can you sense all this stuff and know things and help change people?” Eero knew now why Sebastian was asking. Suddenly everything clicked into place. He wanted the knowledge to help , guide and change kimi. unfortunately it wasn’t that simple as Eero had discovered with Nico.

 

“you know, I used to feel with enough knowledge and a pure heart. with good intentions that I could help make people change. Its not like that Sebastian. People can only change if they want to, deep inside and all we can do is guide them and help them. You can pass on this gift, you cannot make some one use it to better themselves, that’s there calling they must make the choice. And I guess im like this because I sought more from my life, I couldn’t continue along the path id chosen before. We all have demons Sebastian, I know when I see you that you want to save kimi. You think Nico is poison am I right?”

 

Sebastian was shocked at that, how did Eero know that was what Sebastian had come to called Nico?

 

“Nico isn’t what you all think. What you all see is a mask, when he takes it off hes remarkable. “

 

Sebastian folded his arms , defensive.

 

“You would say that, you loved him” Eero looked away , and was silent for a moment.

 

“Yes, I also lost him . It costs nothing to be honest Sebastian , when someone hurts us we are tempted to tarnish there memory or mar them in some way. Because we are hurting, the reality is Nico is damaged but he’s not poison and he doesn’t intend to leave so much devastation in his wake. As with kimi, he is more than rage and violence, and lauri is more than silence and sorrow, aki is more than scheming and deception…and you , even you are more than what you seem”

 

Sebastian relaxed again, Eero was right but he was so angry about Nico and still jealous and he couldn’t fight his desire for kimi.

 

“How do I stop?” he whispered

 

“Loving him?” Sebastian nodded. Eero placed a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder

 

“you don’t and it would be wrong to try. You can’t make him love you if he wont. It doesn’t mean you don’t live your life. Your world doesn’t begin and end with kimi. Even without his love this sun still rises and falls, and good things will come your way. Use what I taught you to find yourself, learn to love Sebastian. he’s all you’ll ever need. And sometimes he will be all you’ve got”

 

Sebastian felt his chest constrict, Eero hit a chord deep inside him. It was true; sometimes all Sebastian had now was himself. He had to make that self as strong as possible, at times he felt he might crumble. But here was Eero , alone and peaceful content with himself and his own company. Sebastian would seek the same solace.

 

“Do you still love him Eero?” Sebastian knew the answer, but it helped to know that he wasn’t the only one there who longed for someone he couldn’t have.

 

“I always will” Eero replied , Sebastian scuffled closer and spread his legs on front of him he unlaced one of his shoes and pulled out a coin and showed Eero. He didn’t know why he was telling him his story, but he felt at ease with eero now and he of all people would understand.

 

“I put this is my shoe for luck, it was my grandmothers. My biological grandmother. My parents died, and she looked after me a little while. But she was old and the orphanage took over. I remember her, she had a kind face and smelt of cinnamon and ginger. Its one of the best memories I have, when I feel down I always think of her. I know she died long ago, I don’t know when and I don’t know where her grave might be. Do you think she’s still with me somehow?”

 

Sebastian’s eyes where glistening with unshed tears.

 

“The people we love never truly leave us. They are always around.” Sebastian held the coin tightly in his hand.

 

“I had two coins…” Sebastian continued. Eero nodded watching seb clutch the one in his palm tighter.

 

“What happened the other one?” Sebastian smiled warmly gassing into the space between them.

 

“I left it somewhere ….so it might bring someone else the luck and strength it brought me.”

 

Weeks passed. Kimi went home to Nico, came back, left, and came back again. Lauri was acting strange. There conversations where short and fleeting. And He had started locking Aki out of his room. He wouldn’t speak of the baby or engage in any discussion surrounding the matter. He didn’t play his guitars or this piano…the house was quiet. Everything started to feel warped and strange, Kimi couldn't find peace anywhere , it felt like the walls where closing in, he sensed something, something brewing…there was a deep Dred in the pit of his stomach.

 

 

 


	140. Give me a reason, why would you want me to live an die , living a lie?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR WARNING - STOP AND READ THIS >
> 
> This chapter contains very graphic material some readers may find highly upsetting or unsettling. You can skip to the summary at THE END of this chapter in order to know what happens without reading it through.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/297857_10150921447950331_381041135_n.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-05-07%20at%2021.58.06.png.html)

Dreams sometimes are not as tangible as we think. They are like smoke, no matter how hard you try to catch it in your hands it will always disappear through your fingers into nothingness. But like smoke it leaves a trace which lingers , and the air will feel heavier for awhile.

 

Kimi’s mind was plaguing him with something. A memory?. Or was it just a dream? Did it happen? Was it real? At first the images in his sleep where blurred, a marring of mahogany browns and deep reds, midnight blacks and sapphire green mixed with crisp pristine white. What did all these colors mean?

 

The more he had the dream the more the visions came into focus. The mahoganies where the walls of there sauna, the red was the plastic cups with alcohol, the black was Lauri’s hair and the green was his eyes, the whites where the walls of an unknown space.

 

Lauri was laughing, he was wasted. In his dream kimi felt that something was off, lauri was older than him, much older. Kimi was in his teenage body , he had shaved hair and he could see his reflection in the mirror of the house they where in. It was some frat party. Suddenly lauri was gone, he searched and searched but he couldn’t find him, Dred filled his soul. He would wake in a sweat and race to Lauri’s room. Lauri was there, fast asleep and this continued for weeks. In each dream lauri got younger, time rolled backwards. The sauna stayed the same; the house was the same, the same red cups with alcohol. Only lauri changed.

 

Then the dream eventually seemed to stay the same, lauri was always a year younger than him , blonde spikey hair , white vest top, baggy cargo trousers. But he wasn’t laughing anymore. And he disappeared up a winding stair case kimi would follow and he could see lauri enter a room and close the door behind him as kimi walked the hallway to get to him the door moved further and further away . Then he would wake up.

 

One night the dream ended differently. Kimi managed to enter the strange room. The walls where all white and lauri was no where to be seen, he stood and looked round suddenly blood started to seep through invisible cracks in the walls , then kimi woke screaming , and noticed that it was a different time, his clock would always usually say 2.23am exactly.  That night it read 2.17am. Kimi ran both hands over his face, this was ridiculous. He decided to get himself a glass of water. The house was eerily quiet. No one had heard him scream.

 

When he rose from the bed and exited his room he noticed Lauri’s room door open.

 

“Lauri?” he called out as quietly as possible so as not to wake Niki. There was no response. Kimi peered into the room; Lauri’s bed was empty. Kimi looked out the window at the end of the hallway. Lauri’s car was still there. That meant he hadn’t gone off to the flat in Helsinki. Kimi heard the sound of water running. He kicked himself for not thinking to check there first.

 

Kimi approached the bathroom door and knocked. There was no answer. The door wasn’t locked so kimi decided to enter. It wasn’t like he had never seen lauri naked, and the toilet was behind the door so he wouldn’t see ‘anything’ and lauri would obviously be aware of him coming in. when kimi entered there was no protest or swearing for him to ‘get the fuck out’ like what he was expecting. He was suddenly struck by how white the walls seemed, the bathroom was large and around the corner was the shower and the bath plus another toilet and sink.

 

Suddenly kimi felt all the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. He had been here mere moments before…in his dream. It almost felt like there was something in that bathroom, something dark and sinister, something warning him. Kimi walked foreword and as he rounded the corner the feelings grew in strength he stopped when he saw the back of a familiar head. Lauri had his back to him and was standing over the sink he was topless and held one arm on front of him making a fist . Kimi could barely see it at first but as lauri moved his arm further kimi noticed them. Littering’s of scars up Lauri’s arm, vicious patterns of white , pink and purple markings adorning his porcelain skin. And some where fresh and weeping trails of crimson.

 

Kimi felt a white noise screaming in his ears, he watched almost detached from his own body as lauri pushed the edge of a razor into his own skin , and as the skin broke a vibrant red appeared and trickled down the brilliant white of his arm in beautiful morbid contrast, then he drew the razor across and more streams joined the original like rivers running into the sea, his head falling back in of relief a contented sigh escaping him. 

 

Kimi was in agony, his eyes clouded with tears. The markings seemed to be everywhere. Up lauris biceps, down his sides , on his collar bone. Everywhere that carefully chosen clothing would conceal. Those markings had once been healed. The secret his brother kept only apparent to him when Lauri was naked. It had been over for so long…, no fresh wounds and lauri swore he had ‘recovered’. But the wounds where now being re opened.

 

Lauri looked up and caught kimis reflection in the mirror. The razor stilled on his arm. Suddenly kimis vision clouded with the miss match of color and then the door moving away , the room with the blood seeping from the walls.

 

He moved foreword quicker than even he could register and seized the hand with the razor squeezing it so hard lauri dropped the offending item into the sink . lauris blood was mixing with the water from the tap which had been running the whole time. Quickly kimi forced Lauri’s arm under the stream and he cried out in pain.

 

Lauri tried to shove him backwards; kimi brought the back of his hand sharply across Lauri’s face. The noise his hand made as it connected with Lauri’s cheek resonated through the bathroom. Kimi’s cheeks where streaked with angry tears , Lauri’s head snapped violently to the side and his protests stopped. It was the first time kimi had ever struck him purposefully.

 

Kimi ‘s body was shaking , he was so angry and hurt and he couldn’t believe what lauri was doing to himself. He couldn’t accept what he had just witnessed, it was to much, it was to painful.

 

Kimis chest heaved as he struggled for breath. Lauri slowly turned his head, his black hair falling into his eyes, he looked down, his injured arm still in the sink, the streams of blood not stopping. He felt faint and the sting in his face now added to the intensity of the pain and euphoric feelings coursing through him.

 

Kimi noticed him becoming unsteady on his feet. He moved closer so there torso’s where flush against each other and lauri just fell onto him . Kimi was able to lace his arm round Lauri’s waist and hold him steady . He walked them back wards and sat lauri on the edge of the bath tub.

 

The anger was slipping away, replaced by sorrow and a sadness he had never felt before. The flow of blood had stopped, Lauri’s arm was smudged with drying red patches and the open wounds where deep and red and the surrounding flesh was turning purple and blue. It was horrendous and not even the most graphic horror films would prepare anyone for seeing something like this.

 

Kimi wrapped Lauri’s arm in whatever bandages he could find , they sat in silence in that cold stale cold bathroom . In silence kimi handed lauri one of his own heavy long sleeved hoodies , and in silence kimi marched him down the stairs and out of the house into the car. 

 

He bypassed the main hospital ward and drove round the back. When he exited the car and walked round opening the passenger door, lauri looked up at him with the most pained expression kimi had ever seen. He knew exactly what was happening.

 

“don’t do this” he pleaded “please, don’t leave me here”. Kimi couldn’t reply, he didn’t have the words, there was nothing he could say which would make this any easier. Instead he took Lauri’s arm and pulled him out of the car. Lauri didn’t protest. Kimi placed his hand on the small of his back as they slowly walked towards the doors. It was the hardest thing kimi had ever had to do, he was breaking every step of the way and inside lauri was terrified. Once inside kimi held Lauri’s hand.

 

Above the reception was written ‘psychiatric ward’. Kimi walked slowly to the reception desk, lauri trailing behind him and before the women could ask what they wanted recognition crossed her features, she knew him, she remembered. She had treated Lauri for many , many years unknown to the family until Aki let slip . Kimi pulled Lauri’s arm up and slid down the sleeve of his hoody. Her eyes seemed to show instant understanding. She pressed a few keys on her computer keyboard and moments latter two male doctors and a nurse appeared.

 

All they said to kimi was “he will be ok with us” and they led lauri away. Kimi stood there feeling like some kind of criminal,

 

Behind him he could vaguely make out the receptionist saying “Mr. Raikkonen you have to sign some forms, for confidentiality and because your brother is a very high profile patient . We need to insure your family’s anonymity”

 

Kimi could barely register her words as lauri gazed back over his shoulder at him a single tear sliding from his eye , “I love you” kimi mouthed to him , Lauri turned away. Kimi told himself this was for the best, this was for Lauri’s baby who would need a strong father with a clear mind who could raise and love it, this was for Lauri who needed to get out of this once and for all, this was for there family…but most of all this was because kimi loved him, when Lauri was gone form sight kimis heart was shattered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lauri had been admitted to a psychiatric unit, because Kimi has caught him self harming again. Kimi has been having strange nightmares and has been seeing a white room with blood smearing the walls , it was the bathroom of there house and he has subconsciously know that something was wrong with Lauri all along.


	141. You didn't see me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi must face Niki , James and Aki after taking the decision about lauri's future out of the families hands...how will lauri cope with therapy? knowing this time no one can come take him home...

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1544414_753374461362226_6353852905492344127_n.jpg.html)

Niki made his way downstairs as usual. Always the first one up, showered and dressed. He rubbed his tired eyes and headed straight for the kitchen, he opened a few cupboards and retrieved his usual mug and coffee graduals, same routine day in day out. Except that morning when he turned round to fetch the kettle, he dropped the glass coffee jar in fright. It shattered in a million pieces, Kimi was sitting and the dinning room table head in his hands despite the noise he didn’t even look up.

 

Niki held his heart to try and slow the rapid beating. Kimi had scared the life out of him! There was no one awake at that time in their house, ever! Not even the dogs where up!

 

“You nearly gave me heart failure!” Niki said, taking some deep breaths. Kimi was finally shaken from his thoughts by Nikis voice and he looked up. Nikis smile instantly faltered. Kimi was pale had huge bags under his eyes and both the whites of his eyes where blood shot and sore looking. Niki rushed over and placed a hand on his forehead. Checking for a temperature.

 

“buba are you sick? I hope your not coming down with something!” Kimi wanted to smile; Niki was always so maternal towards him, actually towards both of them. Kimi knew his father was about to scorn him again, maybe even hate him. He had just committed his own brother to a psychiatric ward. All that went through kimis brain for hours after was _‘what have I done?’_

Kimi couldn’t speak. Niki had already started fixing his breakfast and cleaning up the mess, Niki made the usual selection of hot and cold foods and prepaired a comforting hot drink for him. He laid everything down on front of him along with some pills and rubbed his back soothingly.

 

“Seasons over kimster, relax you have a few weeks rest left until you have to start preparing for next season. Just take it easy”

 

Kimi felt sick to his stomach, Niki had no idea. And he was going to break his fathers heart.

 

The word where on his tongue but he couldn’t say them , he could say _‘ isa I have done something terrible, ive sent Lauri away, ive Brocken up the family’_

 

He reached for the mug of sugary coffee and basked in the warmth of the liquid running down his hoarse throat. He ignored the food and swallowed the pills in one go. Niki patted his back again and returned to his normal morning routine; obviously assuming he had made things ‘all better’ once more’.

 

Ten minutes later , a distressed Aki burst into the kitchen, and Kimi prepared himself for the fall out.

 

“Lauri’s not in his bed. And the bathrooms covered in blood!” Kimi could have hung himself right there and then , in his state of self loathing he had not even thought to clean the fucking bathroom!

 

There was absolutely nothing he could do as Niki raced after aki into the up stairs bathroom. Niki looked round in horror. One of the walls had dried streaks visible. The sink was filled with dryed droplets, the floor was covered. The bath edge was streaked and there were smudges all along the floor.

 

“Call the police!” Niki screamed at aki in distress. Kimi grabbed akis arm as he raced to go back down stairs and dial the local police. Kimi simply shook his head ‘no’. Aki looked at him first in anger, then in suspicion. Kimi entered the bathroom slowly, aki watched from the doorway. Kimi placed his hand on Nikis shoulder , he was shaking like a leaf and Niki looked up at him. He had never seen such fear in Nikis eyes. Niki was strong , stronger even than James. Yes, kimi had seen him cry , seen him depressed but fear? Niki was never afraid. In that moment kimi could see he was terrified and it hurt his very soul.

 

He had no idea what was going through his fathers mind. But Niki was wise and maybe he suspected what kimi was about to confess to him. That the blood was indeed lauris , but by his own hand and no one else’s.

 

“Isa…” kimi began his voice almost failing him , then he couldn’t speak and started to choke. That boyhood nausea washing over him , his tongue thick in his mouth his brain short circuiting. Why couldn’t he speak? What was wrong with him!

 

“Kimi…” Niki’s voice was strained, “Kimi tell me you have some kind of explanation for this…wheres your brother”

 

Kimi chocked again and felt his eyes stinging. Niki;s first gut reaction was there had been some kind of terrible accident and Lauri might be…

 

“Kimi where is he” Kimi still couldn’t speak , Aki was hyperventilating. Lauri gone, blood everywhere…He knew…he knew what Lauri must have done, but this it? Had the unthinkable finally happened? Had lauri nicked an artery , bled to death? Was kimi covering for something awful…

 

Niki snapped, “Kimi where is he!!!!”

 

“Hes ok.” Kimi finally managed to mumble through floods of tears.

 

 “Hes safe now…there was nothing more any of us could have done for him. They can help him…I’m sorry, I’m so sorry . I just …there blood…his arms , his body…I had to do it! Please forgive me”

 

Kimi hung his head , he had failed. Again.

 

Aki held his chest as the pain and relief hit all at once. So many nights spent in an A and E ward with his young friend promising, swearing he’d never tell. Lauri had indeed went to far this time. Or maybe kimi was just strong enough to get him the help he needed and deserved? Whereas Aki had been weak and unable to save his friend….he let lauri go on for years and years and never uttered a word. When he finally did…he lost him.

 

In Niki’s eyes Kimi could see him break again. He didn’t need the details , he knew…deep inside he already knew.

 

“Where did you take him?” he asked weakly

 

“The hospital. The special part. I took him…in the middle of the night. They said we can’t see him. They said they’d call when the time was right” Niki gazed at the blood all over his bathroom. His thoughts turned to Lauri’s baby. Was it wise now to bring a child into this young mans life? To bring an innocent baby into all this? They had no choice now. The child had nowhere else to go and no one else in the world. Lauri had very little time to change; Niki feared the news and the courts getting wind of this information. He needed every single man present to hold their tongues. There was so much at stake now.

 

“No one breathes a word of this to anyone. Are we all clear?” Niki met kimis eyes and this time Niki meant business , his eyes where threatening

 

“especially Rosberg!” kimi swallowed hard and nodded. Niki didn’t even need confirmation from aki.

 

Kimi watched his father take a deep breath and compose himself. It was remarkable how many masks Niki had learned to wear over the years.

 

“Out both of you” aki glanced over at kimi and left, kimi walked slowly after him and took a look back as Niki started to wipe away the evidence of Lauri’s secret. It was torture, he had changed nappies, washed away vomit and wiped runny noses and he was completely immune to bloody knees and elbows , but this…this was killing him, no matter how many times he washed his hands after that day it seemed like Lauri’s blood was still covering them .

 

James was more distressed than kimi thought he might be. Niki actually was the more composed of the two. James wanted to fetch lauri immediately, and kimi had never been screamed at so much by James in his entire life. He felt like a child who had pushed his brother into the dirt and lied about it then had been found out.

 

The whole thing was a disaster. The house was in chaos and kimi didn’t have it in him to speak up and raise the point that everyone was missing, _why had lauri done it in the first place?_

Lauri’s room wasn’t unpleasant, he had a window which looked onto a well kept garden. A single bed with those horrid scratchy hospital sheets. His own bathroom (no shaving equipment etc etc for obvious reasons) and a desk with papers and pencils. Nothing else. They took away his clothing and everything he had on his person when he arrived and gave him a uniform which looked a lot like a prison outfit. He had been made to shower first so his hair was flat to his head and he didn’t look like himself. His wounds where treated and dressed. He was given a few sleeping pills some warm tea and told someone would come round sharp in the morning to wake him.

 

He spent the whole night gazing at the ceiling. Numb. The first few days where like every other therapy he had attempted. A councilor would visit and he wouldn’t talk and just stare into space. Then a therapist would come a few hours later and try a different tactic , lauri would ignore them as well. He ate and went for his hour walk round the grounds twice a day. He didn’t speak and barely slept.

 

On day four it hit him. Like a tone of bricks falling down on his head. He cried. he cried the whole night, welling and sobbing. The sheets where itchy, the pajamas where uncomfortable, he missed Niki’s cooking, the smell of James cigarettes, Kimi…. And when the nurse found him that morning she actually smiled and rubbed his back reassuringly.

 

“That’s what we want, just let it out. It’s ok to feel. Its ok to cry.”  That day he started to open up to the professionals which visited him. He spoke to his councilor and listened to his therapist when they gave his techniques and suggestions for re training his mind and his outlook on life. He tried the techniques they wanted him to try , to help himself. He started to understand that this was an addiction and that he was relapsing. He was addicted to the pain and possibly even the visual stimulus he got from it.

 

Just like drugs just like drinking, he had used it to prove he could still feel and also to mask all other pain he held inside. He wanted to stop this time, he had never felt more strongly that now he needed help and he began to become very grateful to kimi for bringing him there.

 

Five weeks in, he had an unexpected visitor. Someone one of the therapists felt he might benefit from talking to. A former patient with a similar problem. Lauri didn’t show any signs of recognition or distress when the man entered the room. They where left together. And for a few tense moments neither spoke and lauri refused to make eye contact.

 

“I have to admit I’m shocked…I never expected this..” Lauri huffed; he didn’t believe that for one second.

 

Lauri had absolutely nothing to say to this man. And he couldn’t believe the hospital would make such a fuck up. He could feel the others eyes on his arms. Which where still bandaged up, It made Lauri intensely uncomfortable. The bandages where More to hide the scars and give lauri some dignity than to aid any healing. His wounds had healed again, it was the scars beneath his skin which where still open and bleeding.

 

The tension seemed to die down as the minutes ticked past. When Lauri finally sneaked a glance at the other man he saw that he had been silently crying. Lauri couldn’t believe it. Then there eyes met, and Lauri knew that it was real emotion he was seeing there.

 

“I’m sorry for everything…I really didn’t know things where like this for you”

 

He watched the other wipe his eyes furiously to try and stop the flow of tears.

 

Lauri wondered what someone like that would have been doing in a place like this? What was so wrong in this mans life that he had needed therapy? And obviously it hadn’t worked all that well! But then again lauri didn’t know the true reasons why someone like him would come here… and he wasn’t interested enough at that point to ask.

 

“Do you want to talk? Is there anything I can do?” lauri could not believe it, he almost wanted to pinch himself , was this real or was he dreaming? Well his arm was still stinging like a bitch when he flexed, so he assumed this was real.

 

“No, maybe you should leave” the other nodded and got up.

 

“ow and Nico, just…stop hurting kimi. That’s what you can do for me”


	142. Closure?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico seeks forgiveness , and someone seeks not to save a life provide someone else with the tools they may need to save there own.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/382453_118559368284408_11199217_n.jpg.html)

 

Nico stood outside , It was the first time in his life he was un welcome inside the hunt lauda residence. He had promised he would leave the family in peace. He had promised he would give Kimi his precious family time and stay in Switzerland out of the way. But he couldn’t help but think they might just want to know that Lauri was alright.

 

Nico couldn’t deny his shock at what he had seen. He had been returning to the ward ever since his own time there to take refresher sessions and offer his own experience to others. When he had sought help not so long ago around the time kimi had also endured therapy with his personal trainer mark, for his anger problem.

 

Kimi had thought he was there solely for relationship counseling, yes Nico had indeed gone for that but he also had his own dark secret. He suffered from the eating disorder bulimia. Considered a form of self harm , and the therapists helped him greatly. Ironically they didn’t manage to get to the bottom of his relationship issues, he felt it might be time he sought help again…but first if he could explain himself somehow to Niki, maybe just maybe he might be forgiven?

 

He knocked the front the door, it felt so strange he had never knocked in his life! Either kimi and him arrived together or when he was younger he barraged through the kitchen patio doors unannounced and no one questioned it.

 

Nico prayed that Niki wouldn’t answer. To his relief and delight It was james. He halted in the door and looked Nico up and down. Nico saw him hesitate.

 

“Your not welcome here Rosberg or didn’t we make that clear?” Nico nodded. He understood that. He wasn’t an idiot. He decided not to ask to come in and instead just quickly let James know about lauri.

 

“I just came round to say…I saw lau, and he’s alright. I know you cant see him until they call you. I know because I was treated at that facility. You can ask kimi about it. It’s a long story. Anyway he’s ok.”

 

Nico turned to leave and Niki barged passed James in the doorway out into the front yard after Nico.

 

“Hey!” Nicos heart skipped a beat when he heard Nikis voice , he turned back and kept his expression as neutral as he could. Inside he was terrified and wanted to run.

 

Niki took a moment and looked at James. Nico watched James shrug at him as if saying _“I don’t know what to do!”_

 

“You can come in for ten minuets. Then I want you gone” Nico beamed from ear to ear he couldn’t help it. And Niki couldn’t help seeing that beautiful innocent little boy return momentarily when Nico smiled.

 

Nico passed aki in the hall and James had to raise his hand and quickly add

 

“its alright he’s leaving again” to ward off his protective son. Aki drew Nico daggers. Nico and him had once made peace long ago after what had happened on the tour bus, but now he was just as fearful of Aki as he had ever been.

 

Nico noticed some new additions to the house, there was a white high chair still in its plastic wrappings at the dinning table. There was boxes on the far side of the kitchen. A sterilizer, boxes of bottles, a crib, toys etc. Nico remembered soon there would be a bouncing baby in the house. He desperately wanted to make amends , kimi was so excited about the baby and Nico wanted to share it with him.

 

“Take a seat” Niki gestured to the breakfast bar. Only family or close friends got to sit at the dinning table. He was definaitly being excluded and Niki was making it obvious one turn of the knife at a time.

 

“I just want to hear about lauri. I don’t want anything else to come out of your mouth. Understand?” Nico nodded obediently. It felt like being back at his ridiculously expensive prep school in Monaco.

 

“He seemed ok. He wouldn’t speak to me, which isn’t surprising. I didn’t know when I went there today that it was him id be speaking with. He’s a bit thinner, his hairs pretty flat I guess they don’t allow him to style it…but his eyes seemed bright enough and his …well his wounds I assume are healed though he was bandaged up on both side to his elbow…probably for his own dignity as the uniform is short sleeved ”

 

Niki and James seemed to hang onto every single word.

 

“And he didn’t say anything? Anything at all? Is he lonely? Does he want us to come get him?” Nico knew deep down Niki wasn’t at all the type to punish anyone long term. He cared to much. And if Nico played his cards right , Niki might just start caring about him again. He might just be able to solve things little by little one step at a time.

 

“No he …he asked me to leave, and he asked that ..I stop hurting kimi. That was all he said to me” Niki saw the hurt in Nicos eyes. But he didn’t want to give into this boy, after everything he had done and how manipulative Niki knew he could be.

 

“Alright, you can go now” Nico desperately wanted to object , to say something more. Plead or beg forgiveness but it wasn’t the right moment. Instead he got up to leave. Then Niki suddenly remembered what Nico had said at the door to James

_‘I know because I was treated at that facility. You can ask kimi about it.’_ That’s what Niki had overheard him saying. The facility lauri was at was a specialist place, they dealt mostly in addictions and mental health disorders, Niki was intrigued now. Should he ask kimi? Or get the information straight from Nico whilst he had him there.

 

“Wait …actually I don’t think we are finished yet” both James and Nico looked at Niki in confusion. Niki gestured for Nico to sit again so he did.

 

“You mentioned outside to James that you had been to the facility before…” Niki left it there. He didn’t want to out right ask Nico why he had attended the facility but then again part of him wanted to know.

 

“I .. guess I went for counseling…me and kimi had a few rough moments. But when I was there they mainly treated me for something else…kimi doesn’t know. Please I know I have no right to ask this but don’t tell him …”

 

Niki crossed his arms over his chest and Nico new Niki wasn’t in the mood for playing games of ‘please don’t tell kimi’. Niki would make him no promises. Nico decided to talk anyway. Maybe if he confessed they might start to form some kind of trust again.

 

“I had trouble with…eating , basically I would make myself vomit. Anyway I went to get help. It’s a form of self harm apparently. Bulimia they called it. Its also a psychological thing…”

 

James once again glanced at Niki, neither of them knew what to say back to that. Neither had been expecting it. Aki had been listening In the whole time unknown to the three of them.

 

“Right well…this time you really can go. And we wont tell kimi. But I think you should” Nico didn’t reply , instead he smiled awkwardly and rushed for the door. It hadn’t been so bad. At least he hadn’t felt like Niki wanted to murder him.

 

He decided to pay mika and David a visit before catching a flight back to Switzerland. The moment he entered the door he wished he hadn’t. Mika off loaded on him, they had a massive discussion about Niki and James and Sebastian and his relationship with kimi and how everything was a mess and Nico needed to re-evaluate his life etc etc. Nico practically ran back out the door. he couldn’t escape quick enough!

 

Another two weeks passed. Soon kimi would return to Switzerland and pack his bags for pre season testing. The facility still hadn’t contacted them.

 

Lauri had another visitor. One even less welcome than Nico. Ville.

 

“How the fuck did you know I was here?” lauri spat. Ville was calm and collected, he lit up a cigarette lounged in the arm chair across the room and took a drag. Lauri found him infuriating.

 

“Got some friends still here , they got word out. We are all addicts little brother.”  Ville watched the red rise in Lauri’s face

 

“I AM NOT YOUR..” Ville stood cutting him off mid sentence

 

“ow yes you are and the sooner you accept that the better for you! Your not the only one who suffered lauri now shut the fuck up and stop acting like the world revolves around your sorry ass. Cause I have news for you kid. It doesn’t!”

 

Lauri sunk into his chair , chest heaving. Fists clenching. He would punch Ville if he had to. Ville sat back down and took another few drags of his cigarette it was hard to know where to begin, his first encounter with lauri had been a drunken drugged up one. And he had let his minion’s descend on lauri like vultures. At the time in his own defense he didn’t know the kid was his lost brother, it was just another opportunity for him to mess with someone.

 

“I’m sorry about that tour ok. Let it go, I didn’t fucking know who the fuck you where. And we where all wasted, and out of our minds . We where all fucked up . and yeah I thought it was hilarious at the time. But alas it wasn’t and im fucking sorry ok”

 

Lauri huffed and turned away. Ville hadn’t come to make war, or peace for that matter . He had come because if lauri had questions Ville could answer them and maybe a little of the hazy ness which clouded his memory would lift and there would be closure to some of the pain lauri was holding inside.

 

“Look im five years older than you. I was ten when they died. If you need answers I remember things a lot better than I think you do. I know what happened you lauri, they sent you to live with our grandparents , then grandma left you in that house when grandad died. And you kept going back and breaking into it despite the orphanage taking you in. I’m glad you got adopted though, I was to old no one wants to adopt a pre teen , I just moved around foster homes. Gets old real quick”

 

Ville could see Lauri’s body language slowly change. His chest relaxed a little and occasionally lauri would glance at him.

 

“You know kimi is our cousin right?” Ville snickered and laughed a little “what are the chances?! Both our parents die then you and him get adopted by the same couple. Exactly seven years apart. You where seven am I right?”

 

Lauri nodded. “That’s still young enough for them to baby you I guess. Anyway, you where mums little miracle. She mis carried three babies before you. When you where born you where around size of a bag of sugar and they said you’d never make it. But alas there you are, bigger and uglier but hey. At least we can’t have it all!”

 

Lauri couldn’t help it, he actually smiled at that. He was interested, he couldn’t deny it. Ville was old enough to remember, and lauri desperately wanted to know.

 

“Of course im lying. You got the looks in the family. You have her eyes, and her talent . As successful as my band might be I’m jealous. Do you remember anything? Anything at all? The house? Our mother?”

 

Lauri thought hard for a moment. He did remember …vaguely. But with each passing year her face faded from his memory. He so badly wanted to hold onto that image, but it was fading. He was loosing her

 

“I remember..the grand piano and sitting in her lap. She would sing to me, she wore black feathers in her hair…and she liked black roses. There was man…she’d scoop me into her arms and he would hold us both…I think. ButI don’t remember you…sometimes I used to think I heard another child laughing . But there was never a face…”

 

Ville nodded. Lauri’s memories where all from one particular evening.

 

“She came home early from work that day , Granma had left and she scooped you into her arms and sat at the piano with you, pressing your hands into the keys and singing happily. Your laugh was so funny, and it made me laugh. Our father was a soldier and he came home from duty that evening. When he came through the door they danced with you in circles, and you continued to laugh. He had brought her black roses and she put them all round the house. There was ten of them. He always brought her 10. They put us in the car, we where going to drive to our summer cottage. You where in your car seat , and you where singing. You never stopped singing and I used to hate it. I kept telling you to shut up, dad was getting frustrated , he turned away from the wheel for a split second to scold me and another car hit us , our car ended up upside down. The oil leaked from the engine , eventually it caught fire. They died that evening. Dad died on impact, our mother died of the burns in hospital because she had fought to save us from the wreckage.”

 

Suddenly everything made sense. Lauri’s memories were of there very last day together. And when he had dreamed of flames consuming him so many times over the years and heard screaming in his nightmares…it was because he had been stuck in that car. Now he knew. He knew how it all happened. It wasn’t a ski accident like they had told him..

 

“Here” Ville placed a small photograph in his lap. Lauri almost didn’t have the strength to look . He took a deep breath and glanced down.

 

There she was, his mother. Sitting on a swing in a massive garden a toddler on her lap, another young boy beside her holding one of the ropes attaching the swing to the tree branches above there heads, and a young handsome man knelt beside them all in Finnish military dress smiling proudly at the camera. He looked at the toddler cradled in her arms. It was him. It felt so strange seeing a picture of himself younger than seven years of age.

 

It seemed to him like all his memories started at seven. When he had been adopted and Niki and James kept following him and kimi with cameras capturing everything. But here he was reminded that he had existed before that, long ago he was someone else’s child.

 

She was beautiful. Long black hair and vibrant green eyes. Lauri noticed he had his fathers jaw and nose. But Ville looked the most like him , though he to had inherited there mothers black hair and green eye color. His eyes where more marshy where as Lauri’s and hers where like polished emeralds. His fathers eyes where blue and from what he could see of his hair under his military hat, he had brownish blonde hair.

 

Lauri’s eyes moved to the other boy in the photo. A thought struck him, if things hadn’t happened the way they did. What kind of brothers might they have been? And would they ever have sought to find there cousin kimi? Or would lauri have never known him?

 

“Did we fight?” he asked suddenly out of the blue.

“nah” Ville replied confidently “you got on my nerves , you drooled on everything for a start when you where very small! You also kept everyone fucking awake at night and you thought everything you touched belonged to you. Normal younger sibling stuff. But even as young as I was I understood that they wanted another baby. The nursery had been decorated and left the same since I had been born, and she used to sit and gaze into that empty grib. They wanted you so badly and when they got you ..Well you where her fucking miracle. They even called you that weeks before they picked a name! Dad wasn’t about to let her officially name you ’miracle’ …though that might have been pretty funny. Id never have let you live it down!”

 

Lauri laughed. For the first time in weeks. His heart felt lighter. Ville was also not the same person who had walked in the room. It seemed reminiscing had brought out a different side to him.

 

“Honestly though. I was happy to have a brother. And you where so fucking cute it should have been illegal! ..Hold on” lauri watched Ville rummage in his jacket pocket for something.

 

He placed another photo in Lauri’s lap. This one was larger and had been folded many times so it had multiple creases. Lauri unfolded it. Ville was maybe around eight years old and lauri looked about three. He was sat on villes lap and they where both smiling . Lauri with all his baby teeth and Ville with two of his front teeth missing. They had identical haircuts, the old fashioned bowl style. And they where wearing similar white dress shirts and dungarees.

 

“Has any of this helped?” lauri could detect the hopefulness in villes voice. It had helped. It helped a lot.

 

“Yeah…thank you. Can I keep these?”

 

Ville nodded lounging back and taking out a fresh cigarette.

 

“I have copies. Don’t loose those! There the originals, I don’t have many more …the house got sold and all our personal stuff was moved to grandmas . But a lot of it gathered dust for years and some of the photos where to damaged to salvage”

 

Lauri glanced back down at the photos. Had Ville gone back to that old shack of a house to get these?

 

“Did you break into the old house? What else did you manage to find?”

 

“Some of dads things, his medals and stuff like that. I was looking for mums bird necklace. I never found it” Lauri smiled knowingly. That’s because he had broken in when he was young and stolen it for himself. Niki had placed it somewhere for safe keeping.

 

“I have it. I went back to the house one day and I took it.” Ville grinned at him.

“Have you ever opened it?” lauri raised an eye brow confused.

 

“it’s a locket lauri. It has a tiny key inside it. They key opens the door to the summer cottage in ryjamäki”

 

Just then villes phone buzzed. He glanced at the screen and frowned.

 

“Looks like I have to go…anyways kiddo. Its was nice to talk like civilized human beings for once! Ow and I accept that you and our racing driver cousin have bonded as brothers. Totally cool with that. But maybe you might consider me your brother also? Just think about it. Id like it if you did. No pressure though. Take kimi to that summer house our parents built it together”

 

Ville winked at him and got up to leave.

 

“Ville…” Ville glanced back over his shoulder

 

“we should talk again soon..I guess having two older brothers isn’t so bad. Thank you again.” Lauri laughed when Ville saluted him and bowed comically before disappearing. He hadn’t had time to mention that he was soon to be a father….he would save that for next time.

 

 


	143. Paternal Instincts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki and James have always dealt with there woes in very different way, this time Niki has nothing left to give....can anyone give him a reason to feel again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPER MASSIVE LONG CHAPTERS TO FOLLOW 
> 
> Felt like writing about some other characters for once . Theres so many now that some get neglected! Also some past faces and new ones will be coming around soon so its gonna get even more muddled!!!
> 
> Also longer chapters mean more info and more opportunity to shift things along :) this fic is my therapy and at the moment i need to write to get through some stuff so expect updates , more often! I cannot promise always to be this quick at updating though!!!

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-05-18%20at%2015.09.19.png.html)

 

Niki was a different man since Lauri left. James had dealt with all of Niki’s emotions, anger, sadness, despair…he had hurt his lover deeply. He , and even Niki thought that no greater damage could ever come to there family. They had both thought James actions where so cutting and scarring that the devastation they had caused could never be touched and nothing else could ever match the pain it had brought them all. They where wrong.

 

Niki was, empty. There was nothing there, nothing left inside. No fight. James couldn’t bare it, but what could he say? What could he do? Niki was still breathing, still going about his life and his business. No one else raised issue. James alone saw Niki fade away until it was to late.

 

He was watching as Niki started to clear there garden. There was nothing that needed done around the house anymore; they had prepared for the baby. And Kimi was back in Switzerland with Nico probably none the wiser about Nicos confession a few weeks earlier. And Aki hadn’t made a fuss or mentioned a thing. The boy was pleasant and Niki had enjoyed having him, but he was even past that. He didn’t take anything from anyone’s company now. Not even James.

 

They had tried to talk but Niki just couldn’t put into words how he felt. James wouldn’t have understood anyway. No one could understand what it was like, having a child you couldn’t help, and someone you couldn’t get through to. Never being able to erase the pain and then seeing the scars manifest themselves on that child’s very skin. Niki dreamt in red, he saw it everywhere. His hands where raw and sore from the obsession he had to keep scrubbing them. The blood never seemed to go away.

 

And then lay the questions beneath it all, had they ruined this boy’s life? Could he always justify this by blaming James? Was James neglect and Lauri’s past struggles all solely the cause? Or somewhere had Niki to messed up?

 

Niki knew he was also to blame. He should have never left Lauri with James and he should have forced his young son to explore and deal with his past. But lauri had been dropped of at there home that night many years ago a frightened little boy, and they had been left to deal with him , never told anything of his past and never given any information at all about the kind of child he was. Simply told, he was difficult, damaged and strange. It wasn’t enough…but Niki had never pushed for more.

 

Kimi …he felt was another of his failings. In kimis youth they had sent him away in hopes he would deal with his anger. He had come back a different boy, but the storm hadn’t settled and once again kimis own demons rose to the surface. Why had they been destined to raise such troubled young men? Niki couldn’t help but blame Nico for all Kimis problems. And by association he blamed Nicos aweful mess of a family for how the boy had turned out.

 

That was hypocritical though, because he knew deep down if he blamed them for Nico he had to blame himself and James for Kimi. Lauri they hadn’t raised since birth…and maybe his problems where rooted in him long before he had been adopted. But Kimi…Kimi had always been in their care, so they had no one else to blame.

 

James tired of watching Niki, pull weed after weed from there garden decided to take a walk and pick up some groceries. Aki was in Helsinki, he could meet him for a drink later. He didn’t bother to announce to Niki that he was leaving, Niki didn’t notice or care now a days anyway.

 

The sun was almost setting , the dogs where by Nikis side the whole time, even Ajax. Loyal only to kimi and lauri had stayed out with him. As if they all sensed that the head of the family was troubled. Niki was physically exhausted he had spent all day outside just trying to keep occupied. In his fatigue he thought he saw someone walk towards him, he shook his head to rid the image but it was still there. He rose up from the ground and all the dogs became instantly alert.

 

Lauri…Nikis heart suddenly seemed to burst back into life in his chest, and he had feeling again. At first pain, then excitement and relief. Until he noticed with pure despair that the stranger was not his son…. but looked scarily like him. Instantly Niki knew the man. He remembered Lauri’s file…the figure moved closer coming from the direction of the woods. Niki tensed, the dogs growled..

 

“I come in peace” the figure raised his arms in surrender, Niki eyed him cautiously.

 

“im aware im trespassing…sorry about that.”  Ajax barked loudly, Niki wasn’t about to call him off. If the dogs didn’t like this guy then Niki trusted there judgment. But then Ajax approached and sniffed him, almost as if he was familiar and the dog began wagging its tale. It could smell Lauri …

 

“ehhh…yeah , anyway I was just passing. Wanted a word with Kimi if he was home…and I don’t want mauled..”

 

What on earth did this guy want with kimi? Niki snapped his fingers and Ajax backed of just a little.

 

“he’s not home.” Ville nodded.

 

“well, ill be off then!” Niki saw something in the other mans eyes, something he saw a lot in Lauris . Loneliness.

 

“Bit odd don’t you think? You walk into my yard and ask for my son and don’t introduce yourself” Ville smirked at Niki.

 

“ow im sure you know who I am. If not im sure you could guess, there is a resemblance after all. Dark hair and green eyes runs in the family…well one side of the family”

 

Niki wasn’t buying the ‘cool, calm and collected’ act. And Niki was curious, Lauri’s biological brother …stood before him. He could ask anything, get some answers, maybe even help his son…

 

“I don’t recall your name from lauris file... bad memory” Ville dropped his faced for a moment, was he being welcomed?

 

“Ville” they both watched each other , both curious and yet both wary.

 

“why do you want kimi?” Ville softened a little, Niki didn’t seem so bad…and he wasn’t being hostile , ville saw no reason to be difficult.

 

“Lauri. I think they will call soon…the mental place, I think Kimi should be the one to go get him”

 

Nikis eyes suddenly filled with a spark, “lauri? He’s seen you? You’ve met? talked..?”

 

Niki now had so many questions…Ville could see his mind working over time. He was ashamed of the first time Himself and lauri had met, Niki knew all about it. Ville didn’t know he knew…

 

“yeah…well I let some awful fucked up stuff happen to him when we where on tour once. I didn’t know at that point who he was. Since then I have been using some people to try and find him, anyway today we actually talked like civilized people. I was convened he hated me. I think were over it though. He’s getting there, I think he’s not got much further to go before they let him out, he’s a good kid. I can see that, for years I wondered about him. I can see he was loved, and its totally not my place but. You didn’t fuck him up. All this shit has been brewing since our parents died. How could a five year old ever understand what happened? Hes actually lucky to even be alive. He could have burnt to death. We both could have ”

 

Niki wanted desperately to talk things through with Ville, to get some answers. He wanted to understand his son. To understand the lingering pain Lauri carried from childhood.

 

“Do you want to come inside? No point us standing out here in the cold.”  Ville glanced passed Niki to the huge house. He didn’t really do social interactions with people. He’d come to see kimi that was all, so it was best he left.

 

Niki got a good chance to examine Ville. Green eyes, sallow complexion , black wavy hair…It was odd and wonderful at the same time to be in the presence of Lauris blood. There was so much of his son he could see in the other.

 

“Its alright I better go.... Pass on the message to kimi, and …I know you’ve been doing it anyway but take care of my baby brother”

 

No more was said and as quickly as the strange man had appeared he was gone. Niki could feel again, but the feelings weren’t pleasant . He began feeling sorry for the other man, as he had eventually felt sorry for Aki. What kind of life had ville lived? Everyone’s pain seemed to consume Niki.  

 

“Niki?” Niki turned at the sound of another voice behind him, Aki stood rubbing his hands together. There was a sharp chill in the air. Niki hadn’t even noticed it.

 

“Are you alright?” Aki was looking at him with deep genuine concern. Niki noted that the boys eyes where red and swollen. He reached for Akis face, Aki was startled …

 

“Your eyes are red raw! Have you been crying? Where’s your glasses?” Niki’s hands where cold as ice, and he was pale. Aki was concerned . How long had he been out there?

 

“im ok , come inside? Your freezing! Isn’t James home?”

 

James…Niki had no idea where he was or what he was doing. For weeks he hadn’t even paid attention, it was like suddenly he had woken up again.

 

“I don’t know where James is …anyway inside. Your right its rather cold out”

 

Niki followed Aki back into the warmth of the kitchen, Aki slide the glass doors closed behind them. Niki sat at the dinning table the dogs settled at his feet and Aki made them both coffee. He handed Niki a mug and made to leave, Aki was aware Niki was tolerant of him but he never got in the mans way. Kimi and Lauri where Niki’s , and he belonged solely to James and had caused massive problems. He liked to keep himself to himself and not get in Nikis way.

 

“Aki you don’t need to disappear every time im around.” Aki stood awkwardly in the doorway, he would really rather leave. Niki intimidated him.

 

“I can see you’ve been crying, and you didn’t answer me where is your glasses?” Aki was to proud and to ashamed to admit that he hadn’t been going to Helsinki to visit Eero every other day like he told them. Most days he took a long walk back to his old house, hoping to catch sight of his mother, when he had passed the house that day his sister had met him outside. She knew he walked past the house, she watched him form a window but never let on she saw him. She only had a few words for him that day..

 

“Mothers dead, don’t come to the funeral” Aki had walked and walked, and cried his glasses steaming up so much he had taken them off and just thrown them somewhere. Already half blind the tears blurred his vision further and he was surprised he had enen made it back to the house.

 

His mother disowned him after the whole fiasco with James and Niki. Back then He had ended up homeless and nearly died out on the streets.

 

The tears welled up in his eyes once more, Niki rose sharply from the table and took the hot mug from his hands setting it aside and placing both hands on Aki’s shoulders.

 

“Aki what is it? What’s wrong?” aki couldn’t help it he rested his forehead on Nikis chest and sobbed. Niki instinctively wrapped both arms around the boy.

 

“my mothers dead” Aki sobbed “my sister said not to come to the funeral”

 

Niki hushed Aki and rubbed his back in circles. That always helped Kimi and Lauri. When aki was calmer they sat in the living room together by the fire and Aki told Niki how he had found out and they also talked of Lauri and how much pain it was causing Aki that lauri didn’t trust him anymore. The boy opened up and Niki listened.

 

Aki was different from the other two, he had been dealing with everything that was sent his way , all on his own without support or a shoulder to cry on. He soldiered on through it all and kept himself to himself. Niki found that he admired him.

 

“Aki…have you been talking to your father about any of this? About how you feel?”

 

Aki shrugged and shook his head “no we just talk about ice hockey…or random stuff that doesn’t matter . I suppose I talk to Eero sometimes… but no one can solve my problems for me right? I have to do it on my own.”

 

Wise words for one so young. Niki couldn’t help but think that Aki shouldn’t need to feel that way , because at his age he shouldn’t have all of these problems , non of the boys should. Life should be fun and an adventure…

 

“It helps sometimes to talk though, a problem shared is one halved or so they say. No one can solve anything for you, but they can give you tools to help you solve it yourself. For example if you cannot go to this funeral what can you do? Think about it”

 

Aki fell silent for a moment

 

“I could go to the grave…” Niki nodded and smiled

 

“Exactly, you can pay your respects and even say whatever it is you need to say. There’s always a way round things. If we look hard enough”

 

Aki rubbed his eyes suddenly, they where starting to hurt him from the extra strain . Niki batted his hand away.

 

“stop that, you’ll make things a hundred times worse” Niki fetched cool boiled water with salt and a soft cloth from the kitchen.

 

“Put your head back” Aki did as he was told and Niki bathed his eyes . James rushed through the door in a bit of a panic but instantly settled when he saw Aki with Niki taking care of him. He had Akis glasses in his hand.

 

“I found these by the road side on the way home! Thought something happened to him!” Niki shook his head and rolled his eyes, James suddenly smiled. Niki was back to his old self! James was delighted, and even more delighted to see Niki doing something kind for his son.

 

He handed aki his glasses and Niki stopped fussing over him.

 

“Better?” James winked. Aki laughed

 

“Not really now I can see your face clearly again!” James ruffled his hair. Niki couldn’t help feel a little sorrow once more, lauri …the odd one out . The one James had never shown such affection to. Even though those times where long passed and now Lauri and James where ok with one another. It hurt Niki. He loved his baby , and lauri was still his baby. His youngest.  It also hurt that James had Aki …and their Kimi was trapped in a flawed relationship and also in pain. Niki felt like he was loosing both his sons and James still had one.

 

Niki left them together. Aki wasn’t his, he didn’t share him with James in any way. What hurt most was that Niki was now starting to care about the boy …he didn’t want to, but he couldn’t will away his concern.

 

Aki followed him to his study, leaving James puzzled.

 

“Niki” Niki looked up from his pile of business papers.

 

“Thank you” Niki nodded in acknowledgement and returned his attention to his work. But when Aki left again he felt just that little bit better within himself.

 

The next morning for the first time in his life Niki awoke to his breakfast made and a hot mug of coffee waiting for him. He knew for a fact it wasn’t James as he had left James snoring on his side mere moments before coming down stairs.

 

Aki had the spare room on the lower level.

 

 

 


	144. What is a family?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aki has something he has been meaning to ask for , for a long time and Niki is stunned by his request.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-05-20%20at%2022.39.12.png.html)

 

Aki made his awful news known to James. But he didn’t let his father comfort him instead he chose to deal with his feelings alone.

 

James noticed a change in the household. Niki was actively engaging Aki, which brought out a side of his son James hadn’t yet seen. Aki completely thrived on being ‘cared for’. James figured all the boys where big enough to take care of themselves. Niki had always seen it differently, when they where under his roof they where under his care , and care for them he did.

 

With every fiber of his being. Little did James know it had all been sparked by Aki’s simple act of kindness one morning, knowing that the tired weary father was hurt and no one was there to take charge and look after him. Aki had wanted to make a small difference so he had gotten up before Niki and made his morning just that little bit easier.

 

Aki was slightly disappointed in James. James seen how difficult it was for Niki , and yes they where both suffering . But Aki felt James could be doing more, instead his father was moping around feeling sorry for himself where as Niki had no time to sit and let emotions ball over he had a house to keep and a business to run as well as there grandchild to prepare for.

 

Aki was nervous of this child. What would being a father do to Lauri? And would it separate them for good? Aki hated children. He certainly didn’t want any.

 

One evening Aki had taken to helping Niki clear out some old paper work. Whilst doing so they came across kimi and Lauri’s adoption files. Aki wanted to look at lauris but he couldn’t avoid Niki so reluctantly handed the folder over.  Something had fallen out of it …Aki picked up the little piece of paper and turned it round…ville. Aki grimaced. Ville was a drunken, drug addicted ass hole.

 

He handed the image over to Niki, looking pretty disgusted.

 

“I’ve met him..he didn’t seem all that bad” Niki said looking the image over, Aki huffed.

 

“yeah well I think he’s a cunt” Aki covered his mouth quickly and apologized, Niki waved a hand dismissively. He had heard worse.

 

“He is on Lauri’s birth certificate so by association it makes him family. Any family of kimi and Lauri’s is welcome here. Same for James” Niki looked over at Aki and smiled warmly at him. Aki couldn’t help feeling guilty, he didn’t deserve this sudden acceptance, it was almost easier when Niki dismissed his very existence.

 

“I’m so sorry Niki…for everything. For the thing with Kimi…for doing all those things…I was angry, I was hurting. It doesn’t make any of it ok. I didn’t mean for any of it to happen…deep inside I know i didn’t mean it…you have to believe me , it hurts every day what I did..to your family, to lauri and I’m so sorry ” Aki felt so ashamed , he could hardly bare it. He had never formally apologized he had never dared face Niki this way.

 

Niki took a deep breath what he was about to say shocked him , it shocked him because he meant it and he never thought he would ever say it

 

“Your forgiven. Lets forget it. Its over, I know you love my son. And James loves you That’s all that matters.”

 

Aki nodded and they went back to work in silence. H e had something he desperately wanted to ask Niki for…he felt it only right to speak to Niki about it before asking James…

 

“Niki, can I ask you something?” Niki was shredding papers and merely hummned in response.

 

“Would you be ok…if I asked James to sign my birth certificate?…just so its not blank under ‘father’ anymore” Niki nearly chocked, he looked at Aki shocked. Niki took a moment to collect his thoughts, Aki had lost his mother and clearly it was hurting him and he needed some recognition in the world that he officially still had a parent willing to love and care for him.

 

“I don’t want to be a bastard anymore” Niki abandoned his papers and moved to sit beside Aki who was clearly upset but hiding it.

 

“Aki…why would you ask my permission to ask James? Its never going to be up to me, and you are not a bastard! Do you understand? You have a father and he loves you. You go and you demand that he signs it, Don’t ask , demand! I can’t believe he hasn’t done it already…”

 

“Maybe hes still scared? Scared that if its there on paper …it makes it final. It means he cant run, it means he’s stuck with me…it means he doesn’t just have kimi and lauri. Maybe im too much to take on. Maybe I shouldn’t ask” Aki was playing with one of his shoe laces the whole time, trying to concentrate on anything but the man next to him. He had never been good with accepting comfort. He always felt he didn’t deserve it, he somehow wasn’t worth it. And why would anyone bother with him…

 

Niki could read Aki like a book. Aki wasn’t completely like James. If anything Aki reminded him of himself. That feeling of never being enough, never being worthy , never allowing yourself to seek help or receive comfort and reassurance…always thinking you could go it alone and somehow make it out the other end without loosing to many valuable pieces of yourself…Aki was him. He was looking at another version of himself. Someone who just wanted to deal with everything alone but yet still wanted someone to reassure him that he was doing the right thing or that the things he desired from life where ok and justifiable.

 

“Aki, you’re not asking for anything more than a name on paper. James would never say no to that. James loves you, he’s accepted you. You’re here in our home , your safe your warm , your loved. Your have a family now, you have people around you who care . And a signature on paper wouldn’t change that…but if its what you want you have to..”

 

 Before Niki could continue James appeared , Aki was still staring at his shoes and didn’t register that Niki had suddenly gone quiet until Niki removed his arm from his shoulders. James knelt at Akis other side and nudged him. Aki looked over but didn’t meet his eyes.

 

James held a piece of paper before his face. Aki glanced at it. It took him a moment to register what he was seeing…it had been signed…the certificate was signed..

 

There in black and white on his birth cert under ‘father’ was –

 

_ James Simon Wallace Hunt  _

__

James handed Aki the paper. Niki wondered when exactly James would stop surprising them all like this. He addressed Niki first looking terribly guilty and very apologetic.

 

“I …well I couldn’t tell you id signed it… and to be honest I forgot all about it, you know me…memory like a siv! I had to sign it when I wanted to get Aki from the hospital and take care of him, they did some check and found the DNA test I took a few years ago then just asked me to sign it. So I did …im sorry I didn’t tell you..i honestly didn’t think it mattered at that time you and I weren’t… we where preparing to go our separate ways forever”

 

Niki actually found that he wasn’t angry, instead he was relieved. Relieved for Aki, who was ignoring them both and staring in disbelief at the paper on front of him.

 

“Its fine James …actually you’ve done me a massive favor I thought I may have to get involved and help him ask you about this…and how long have you been eves dropping on us!”

 

James looked rather sheepish and shrugged…

 

“I uh…was interested to know how you to where getting along, im curious…suddenly you both seemed to start talking…I never thought you’d accept him niki…not ever” Niki could see the hint of tears in James eyes , and aki had seemed to wake up at that point and looked between them both.

 

“he’s part of the family now, he’s more than welcome here” Aki watched a little fascinated as James and Niki kissed and held one another. They inspired him in that moment, he hoped for what they had…he prayed it would be with lauri. Even if that meant accepting Lauri’s child, Aki would do it, He would do anything.

 

He looked back at the paper in his hands. He had a family again. To top it all off that evening Aki was given a place at the dinning table. It was so strange how such a simple gesture could mean so much. Niki felt things would only truly be complete when all three young men where sat there and there was a baby disrupting them. He longed for that. He had the image already in his mind. James hoped for exactly the same thing.

 

Niki didn’t join James in bed that night. He was restless but James was tired and left him down stairs by the fire. Leaving him with kiss on the cheek and a simple

 

“be up soon, the bed is cold without you”  Aki left him also , clearing of to the sauna before bed.

 

Niki watched the flames dancing in the fire. The phone rang, he expected Kimi.

The line crackled but no one answered. Niki figured it was the wrong number so he dropped the receiver. It wrung again , same thing. Suddenly Ajax bounded downstairs and barked at the door. Niki opened it , he watched a taxi pulling away from the front drive and looked round, he couldn’t see anyone at first..

 

“Isa” Niki’s breath caught in his throat.

 

“They said I could go home…I didn’t want to wait” Niki couldn’t speak there was no words.

 

Lauri was standing there in the clothes he had arrived in when Kimi had dropped him off that night…Kimis over sized hoodie and his own withered black trousers, he had a mobile phone in his hand, he had been trying to call but the line kept going dead . His black hair was longer and unruly and he was paler but hadn’t lost weight and looked well rested and healthy.

 

Niki wrapped his son in his arms and held him close.

 

“Lauri” he breathed into the young mans neck. Everything, all the tension all the guilt and pain even the emptiness, fell away as he felt his son relax in his arms.


	145. The prodigal son returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lauri is home but that doesn't mean all is well and a healing relationship with father James may be about to crumble once more.

[](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-05-24%20at%2000.51.49.png.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-05-24%20at%2000.55.28.png.html)

 

Niki selfishly didn’t inform James or Aki that Lauri had arrived home that night. He let them sleep, he wanted Lauri to himself. It didn’t matter to him that Lauri and James had put their differences aside, deep down Niki would always feel that Lauri was his son.

 

Lauri curled up on the couch and sighed contentedly. Niki wrapped him in a blanket, made him comfortable and fussed endlessly over him. It was so good to be home. Lauri had missed the smells and the cozy fire and even the dogs!

 

They could talk about the therapy later. For now Niki was just delighted to have one son home safe and sound. Lauri’s arms were still wrapped up. Niki wasn’t sure he could deal with seeing what lay under the bindings. How bad had lauri scared himself this time? From the state of the bathroom Niki could only imagine the damage. Lauri caught him looking.

 

“I’m ok. These ones wont heal like the rest, ill always have them , there going to be very visible. But im all healed up. This is just to give me some dignity”

 

Niki took one of Lauri’s arms in his hands and caressed the bandages. He wanted to ask why…was it the baby? What had triggered it this time…maybe that wasn’t important anymore…what was important was how Lauri felt within himself.

 

Lauri sensed that Niki wanted to talk about it, but he wasn’t ready. Therapy would continue and Niki, James and kimi would all be called in for group sessions. They could talk about it there. For now lauri didn’t want to raise the issue anymore.

 

“Im not ready just yet…can we talk about it another time?” Niki ran his fingers through Lauri’s soft black hair. Something he wasn’t normally able to do because it had so much hair gel and spray in it. Lauri closed his eyes.

 

“whatever you need son. Just relax your home now.”

 

Kimi returned a few days later cancelling testing at the drop of a hat. Completely disregarding how frustrated McLaren where getting with him and his constant disappearing acts. Nico, finally was understanding and supportive . He would let kimi go without a fuss. Kimi just wished he could take Nico with him…

 

As always kimis sheer delight at having lauri back over shadowed all else. And barely anyone including Niki got a moment with the boy. Kimi wanted every second and the two where as inseparable as always. Which left Aki, on the outside looking in. unable to express his own relief that lauri was recovering. Niki felt a wedge being driven between them all again.

 

Lauri and kimi, himself and James, himself and lauri and aki and James. The groups where a little to clear-cut and Niki didn’t like it. He had issues with the changing family dynamic , But first they had to help their son. They all agreed to attend the sessions together.

 

The group sessions where in stages. First Niki and James where called in separately to talk about there son , how they felt they had provided for and parented him. Then they where brought in together, which caused a massive argument as both finally expressed how they thought life had been for lauri. James of course was the bad guy, even the therapist served him his own ass . He was told firmly that he was neglectful and that his treatment of lauri was bordering on child abuse. They explored the idea that maybe James couldn’t bond with him because he wasn’t an infant like kimi had been at the time of adoption. Everything they discussed was like picking at old wounds, which James thought had healed.

 

They then brought in kimi. Who brought both therapists to tears when he spoke of his brother and how much he loved him and how much pain he was in because lauri was in pain.

 

Then lauri was brought in together with his fathers to talk things through, get things off his chest again and hopefully for a final time. And for them to say exactly how they felt and how lost the where, and how they no longer knew how to help him. There were a lot of tears.

 

But when lauri was brought in to talk alongside kimi, everything was chaos. One minute they where reminiscing and laughing, the next kimi was angry with him and they argued, then lauri would cry and kimi would hold him and then kimi would cry. Eventually they where both a mess.

 

This continued for weeks. Then the sessions tailed off as progress was made and they settled old scores , agreed to forget past wrongs and move foreword. The clinic would meet with them once a month and would monitor Lauri’s involvement with his baby. But besides that. The family was told they had come along way.

 

The last stage before they tailed of the sessions involved bringing in aki and if possible Ville. The clinic had treated Ville and had contact information but it seemed he wasn’t replying. They agreed to do the last major session with just aki.

 

When they arrived , Ville had decided to turn up after all. Kimi tensed, as did Aki. Lauri and Niki on the other hand greeted him warmly. James reserved judgment, he didn’t know nor had he ever met Ville. He was unsure what to think, but the thing that struck him was how much lauri and ville where alike. From their hair and eyes to the way they walked and how they held themselves.

 

They all entered the room and sat. Kimi making sure to block Ville by sitting next to lauri, James and Niki sat together , aki sat next to James and Ville sat alone. The therapists watched them assessing every move. The first question they asked was

 

“can you all explain why you sat where you did? Next to the person you are with?”

 

They where all caught un aware by the question. They started to look at one another everyone except Ville who didn’t look at any of them and stared ahead blankly. He didn’t care about being excluded, clearly though everyone else had just noticed what they had done to him.

 

The therapists got their answer just by the reactions of each man in the room so they didn’t press the issue.

 

They dealt with aki first. Moving to kimi and how he felt about the addition to the family. First kimi tried to use his cold , uncaring façade. But the more they pushed him the more he broke, until finally he was honest and admitted jealousy and not wanting to share his home with James biological son and how he felt inadequate and less important now that James had a blood child. 

 

Next Niki gave his views and very openly and honestly admitted to at first hating aki but explained how he had eventually accepted him and had learned a lot about empathy and compassion by having aki around.

 

Lauri …was more difficult. His relationship with aki had been since childhood they where high school friends , and lauri had trusted aki with his secrets and spent nights climbing into his house through his bedroom window and crying whilst aki held him. Aki had become obsessed and consumed by his need for lauri, there relationship eventually became sexual the aki had betrayed his secret to Niki and the police and now lauri had lost all trust in him.

 

The whole thing was a mess because of where aki and lauri fitted into the equation. If there relationship weren’t so complex he and aki would simply co exist as brothers as would aki and kimi and the family could be brought together that way. However the reality was lauri had no blood ties to James and aki had not know James was his father, that meant the relationship was not incestuous on any level but also meant aki couldn’t fit into the family dynamic in a simple fashion. He would either always remain James son and therefore isolated, OR he integrated himself as Lauri’s partner. The later seemed less likely.

 

They where hitting a dead end with Aki. Until Niki decided to simplify things and express his own views

 

“We can all express what we feel about this until we are blue in the face. Bottom line is Aki is James son and he is part of this family. Now im not going to sit here and dictate that we all accept him into our home, that just kind of happened and no one objected. So if anyone objects to how things are they should be honest about it and speak up now. I can live with him under my roof , but its up to kimi and lauri as well. Boys you need to have a say in this. Mainly you lauri as this affects you most… your baby will be with us soon. You have a lot of changes coming your way..”

 

Lauri looked at aki who was staring back at him , with nothing but love in his eyes. Aki would live with whatever decision lauri made. He had accepted that Lauri called the shots now. It was his time to heal, and he needed to do what was best for himself.

 

“Maybe you should move back with Eero…I don’t want you out of my life. But its confusing me having you so close. Do you understand? I don’t want to hurt you Aki, but it’s to much just now”

 

Aki felt like he’d just been stabbed. And lauri was the one holding the knife. James wanted to protest, he so badly wanted to argue. He wanted to defend Aki. However Lauri made the final decision, they where there for him. To help him, to do what needed to be done.

 

Aki wanted to speak up also and say that, Sebastian lived there now…so he had nowhere to go. He kept his mouth shut. If its what Lauri wanted he would go.

 

Akis eyes stung and he rubbed them furiously under his glasses. The therapists asked what his thoughts where and if he had anything he needed to say , he replied

 

“Can I leave now?” and didn’t wait for them to answer instead getting up and walking out.  They where all given a break during which no one could find aki.

 

Aki had approached reception desk holding back tears , the receptionist looked up at him with concern and sympathy and he asked her , his voice shaking, if she could place a call for him. She obliged and handed him the receiver.

 

“moi” came Eeros calm voice on the other end.

 

“hey Buda boy. Aki heaved , trying so hard not to cry, Eero could hear the strain in his voice.

 

“Aki? Where are you” Aki smiled sadly, Eero never needed an explanation he always just seemed to know what he had to do.

 

“im gonna walk to suutarilla, can you get me at our old school? It will take me around an hour to get there”

 

“See you soon. Breath deeply , walk calmly. What ever has happened just let it sink out of you and ill be with you as soon as I can . you’ll be ok Aki, just breath”

 

Aki did as instructed, he walked an breathed. He arrived at the school with barely a glance up. Eero must have drove quicker than Kimi at a grand prix because he was right there waiting. He didn’t say anything just took Aki in his arms and let his friend fall apart.

 

Eero sent James a text message. They delayed re entering the session because everyone was panicked about what had become of Aki. The text read

 

‘he’s with me – Eero’

So the Session resumed. James was angry and hurt and had so much to say , in a matter or minutes his happiness had been taken from him. He saw no issue with aki living with them. He blamed Lauri for his loss, he wasn’t sure he could even bare to look at him.

 

It was Ville’s turn to be put in the firing line. But quickly it was established that Niki , James and Kimi didn’t even really know him.

 

It would take to long for Ville to give them his life story. So instead the session focused on Kimi and how he felt about Lauri having a biological brother and how they felt about being cousins.

 

The therapist touched a nerve when they seemed to suggest that lauri spend time with Ville bonding and that kimi and he should except there place as cousins. Kimi erupted

 

“You have no fucking idea what your talking about! godamn shrinks, thinking he’s better off ‘bonding’ with some stranger just because there blood? Ive been with him all his life we know each other inside out, im his brother.. he isn’t he never will be!”

 

Kimi stood and pointed firmly at Ville. Who was infuriatingly smirking at him.

 

“You know him inside out right? Yet you didn’t have a clue he was cutting? How did you miss that one kimi”

 

Kimi went pale , Ville caught him right off guard. Lauri grabbed Kimis arm and tugged, urging him to sit back down.

 

“I have no intentions of changing the status of my relationship with Kimi. That’s one thing im making clear here and now.” Kimi relaxed and placed a hand n Lauri’s knee shooting Ville a warning glance. The therapists read kimis body language , he was utterly possessive of lauri and was threatened immensely ville.

 

“But” lauri placed his hand over kimis on his knee.

 

“I accept Ville …and I can learn from him and he can help me fill in the blanks . things I’ve forgotten. I love you more than anything kimi, you come first. Ville accepts that. but he’s my brother to. And I’m sure he can tell you some things about your own …biological parents should you wish to know”

 

Niki grabbed James hand for support when lauri mentioned kimis parents. Kimi took another glance at Ville. Who was looking at him with a far kinder expression.

 

The therapists watched kimi turn back to lauri so desperately seeking conformation once more that he was still no 1 , that Ville wasn’t about to swoop in and change there dynamic.

 

 “Nothing changes…promise me.”

 

“I told you before I don’t promise because they can be Brocken and we can’t break this”

 

Kimi settled. He knew his brother; he knew he meant those words. Ville would never understand and that was fine by Kimi.

 

And so it ended, not everything was said. But they would need to wait a month before they could air anything else. The sessions tailed off. Lauri was grateful all the talking had exhausted not only him but everyone. And it seemed everyone had a lot they wanted to get of there chests.

 

Eero gave up his room to Aki and moved into the living room on the couch. Sebastian didn’t get filled in on what happened he was just told that things where changing again at the hunt lauda home and Aki was moving back.

 

And then there was three…three lonely souls, each rejected all lost in there own ways living in a crammed two bedroom flat in Helsinki.

 

Niki invited Ville back to there home , again he declined. However he suddenly remembered something Niki said during the session..

 

_“..your baby will be with us soon. You have a lot of changes coming your way..”_

“Lauri…” Ville had called when they had all filled back to there cars “Niki mentioned something about a baby…do you have anything you’d like to tell me before I leave?”

 

Lauri approached, Kimi reached for him to pull him back but didn’t.

 

“Come back to the house? We can talk more there. Please?” Lauri’s eyes where pleading, deep down ville didn’t want involved with this family. This was Lauri’s world…but he couldn’t fight the pull he had to be closer to his brother, the only family he had left. So he agreed.

 


	146. Moving on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi finds out some truths from ville and seb encounters a familiar face from many years ago.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1288496289747.jpg.html)

 

The drive home was silent. Niki sensed that James was upset and he knew why but there was little time for that , they could sort Aki out later. Niki to had grown fond of Aki he wouldn’t see him out on the streets again and apparently Eero had come to get him so they could cross that bridge when they came to it. James wouldn’t so much as look at Lauri, and Lauri knew himself things where not going to be easy with James at home, but he no longer cared If James chose to hate or dis own him lauri no longer cared. There relationship had never worked out anyway. Niki hoped old wounds weren’t about to be re opened, but feared it was all to late .  He knew deep inside that the last thing Lauri needed was to go head to head with James again.

 

Ville’s car pulled into the drive behind them. Kimi and Lauri hadn’t spoken, It was obvious Kimi was disproving of Ville’s presence. Ville got out of his car took one look at the house and regretted agreeing to this. Of course he wasn’t poor and had made a lot of money out of his band but this was a whole new level of rich. The garage was practically the size of the house he and lauri used to live in as children. Of course Lauri didn’t remember that.

 

Niki beckoned Ville inside. The interior was more homely and less isolating than the exterior, the house was modestly decorated and clearly James and Niki weren’t ‘flashy’ people instead pictures of there sons adorned the walls and fireplaces. Kimis trophies scattered on book shelves and tables and Lauri’s platinum and gold records framed and on the walls of the living room.

 

Niki lit the fire and lauri led Ville into the living room. It was all very tense and awkward. Ville didn’t sit immediately, instead he was momentarily distracted by the framed pictures of lauri which where everywhere. It seemed to Ville like he had a good life, but the smile in every image didn’t reach the boys eyes. Ville noticed how only in the pictures with kimi lauri looked happy and at ease.

 

“Can I get you a drink? Beer or something?” Ville shook his head and lauri watched him taking in the room, he must have as many questions as lauri.

 

“You can sit you know…” Kimi entered followed by Niki. James decided he didn’t want to be part of this and was to hurt to engage in whatever was about to transpire.

 

Ville finally took a seat on the coach facing the fire and lauri joined him. kimi remained standing Niki took James arm chair and the dogs sat at his feet. Clearly he was the master of the house, head of the family and Ville felt the air of authority he held.

 

“I guess I should start” Ville watched lauri rub his hands together nervously, there was silence as lauri once again told his tale of suffering and how one small mistake had led to an unwanted pregnancy and now with the court having given there verdict he was to become a single father. Ville wasn’t as shocked as lauri expected he might be.

 

“these things happen” he had said simply and patted Lauri’s shoulder a gesture which made kimi tense.

 

“Its not the end of the world. You have support, im sure things are going to be fine , you’ve been through worse”

 

Lauri smiled a little and finally noticed that kimi was still standing awkwardly in the archway.

 

“Hey come sit with us, you’ll both be uncles soon” Kimi folded his arms across his chest. Ville didn’t even deserve to lay eyes on Lauris child! Kimi was now furious and couldn’t believe Lauri would even say something like that!

 

“Im ok here” he spat but the look on Lauri’s face almost broke him. Lauri looked so rejected. Instantly kimi set aside his anger and moved to correct his mistake he sat on the arm of the couch on Lauri’s other side

 

“Sorry, im sorry. Please don’t look at me like that!” Ville couldn’t help smirking, kimi was so worried about what was going to happen now. About what might change. He was missing the whole bigger picture, kimi saw the look on his face and felt like punching him. He watched lauri look away complying to his request to not look at him , Kimi hated this. He absolutely hated every second of it. He didn’t want to be doing this on front of ville, he felt so judged, for kimi though honesty was the best policy

 

“I’m not sure how I feel about this. I’m not trying to avoid you now or anything. Please don’t look so sad. Im still here, we agreed didn’t we? We wont break this…”

 

Niki remained silent and just observed letting the three get on with it. Ville didn’t strike him as sinister or threatening but clearly he did enjoy winding kimi up.

 

Ville watched as lauri leaned into kimi and sighed. Kimi wrapped an arm round his shoulders and buried his face in his hair inhaling deeply. Ville would be a liar if he was to say that it didn’t sting to watch lauri with kimi. In his mind it shouldn’t be like this. For him the three of them where cousins, nothing more.

 

“Hey…about the summer cottage” Ville glanced over , lauri still cuddled up to kimi.

 

“What about it? You have the key remember?” kimi ran a hand through lauris hair.

 

“What summer cottage??” Niki leaned forward slightly so he could hear better, the boys all seemed to forget he was still in the room.

 

“ville said something about our parents built a summer cottage together …or something like that. Anyway my mothers locket has the key inside it”

 

Niki watched kimi, he was desperate to ask questions , to talk more . But he was wary of Ville and unsure of him . Niki felt maybe removing lauri might be a good idea. Kimi was so stand off ish because lauri was there and he felt threatened. 

 

“lau could you maybe come with me for a few moments? ” Niki suddenly but it, they all looked at him with differing degrees of suspicion.

 

“Why? What’s wrong..” Niki cleared his throat and nodded towards the kitchen.

 

“Just come with me for minute. Sorry boys we will be back” it seemed like lauri was getting no choice in the matter so he reluctantly rose from the couch and followed Niki to his study.

 

An awkward silence fell upon the living room. Kimi fidgeted on the arm of the coach and Ville starred at the flame in the fire place. Kimi had so much he wanted to know, but couldn’t ask. As with so many times before in his life his mind was working quicker than his tongue and the signals where getting muddled up somewhere inside him almost like when he needed to talk the the part of his brain controlling his speech would short circuit.

 

Ville however was pretty intuitive and at one point decided he was just going to talk, whether kimi liked it or not.

 

“Your dad was pretty ok. I guess liked him. He had a weird sense of humor. Before you and lauri where born I watched them build the cottage. I was …four I think. Its on the lake, haven’t ever been back to it since our parents died, in fact we where on our way to it when they died. Anyway it was pretty funny watching your dad and mine squabble over the fucking blue prints. In the end the cottage looked fine from the outside but something fucking awful went wrong when they fitted the sauna room. The floor is slanty , fucking wonderful entertainment when they where all drunk! . Our mother Laura and your father are brother and sister , well you knew that already I suppose. Uncle Matias liked his drink. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything more…”

 

“No!” kimi said that little to quickly he composed himself and spoke again “go..on”

 

Ville wasn’t smiling now, infact he wasn’t looking very happy at all . Like there was something looming , something he didn’t want to say.

 

“Sorry kimi. You didn’t need to here any of that” Ville rose to leave but kimi blocked him.

 

“Look…tell me cause no one else can! Finish what you where going to say”

 

Ville reluctantly relented and they back down.

 

“ok…how to say this…you know your mother died trying to find shelter because she ended up lost whilst heavily pregnant with you? and gave birth alone outside and lost her life so you might be found…please tell me you at least know that much” kimi nodded. He knew.

 

“She was out there because she was running away from …my uncle, your father. He went after her of course but it was to late…she was gone and he never found her and they found him dead also. Pretty fucked up what happened. Made national news and everything”

 

Kimi went pale, she was running away from his father? …Why? He wasn’t sure he had the strength to ask. So many questions ran through his mind. Why didn’t villes mother his aunt adopt him? Why hadn’t they taken him in to live with them?

 

“Why didn’t I come to live with you?...and” kimi chocked a little on the words “why was she running….”

 

Ville closed his eyes, it seemed the knowledge he had pained him. He didn’t want to do this, deep down he didn’t want to cause any trouble or upset. But maybe kimi had to know, he deserved to know.

 

“We didn’t take you because the family fell out . My mother offered your mother to come and stay with us to get away . But she wouldn’t and your father accused our father of interfering and they fought , I saw it . And my mother swore never to have anything to do with your father ever again . then when news came that they where dead…you had already been taken away to live with an official from an orphanage and my mother was told it would take her at least two years to file for custody of you because a lovely rich family where already filling for adoption and they would get you quicker so why would she interfere and ruin it for you? That’s what they told her, so she didn’t bother  fighting it and you got a good family it seems so maybe she did the right thing in the end…but that’s for you to decide. As for why your mother ran…your father had anger problems, he didn’t mean to explode but when he did he could easily murder someone. The drink made it worse. I was a kid kimi, I don’t know anything more than that. I just remember how he was and he was an angry man”

 

Uncomfortable things started to click in place for kimi. His biological father had anger issues… …how much of him had been influenced by that? and how much of him was down to how Niki and James had raised him? Was he even his own person at all?

 

Aki arrived at the flat with Eero , shattered and torn up inside. He hadn’t spoken a word to Sebastian and locked himself in eeros room forcing eero out and onto the couch. The flat was to small, one of them had to go…

 

Eero arrived back home one evening. To find that Sebastian had finally gotten into Aki’s room and was creeping around the bed upon which aki was sleeping dead to the world. Sebastian was packing his few things he had stored in Eeros room into a back pack he had found.

 

“What are you doing?” Seb spun round quickly and dropped the back pack onto his foot. We wailed in pain and aki woke up.

 

“The fucks going on!” aki said rubbing his eyes and looking round, he spotted Eero in the doorway and Sebastian by the bedside. Seb was clutching his foot in pain.

 

“Nothing I was just packing to move out! Some of my stuffs in here” Eero watched trying his best not to laugh as Sebastian hopped on one foot scrunching his face up in sheer agony.

 

“why didn’t you just wait till I woke up! Instead of sneaking around like some creep!” Sebastian finally placed his foot back on the floor and retrieved the back pack limping towards Eero.

 

“You never are awake! Since you got here you just stolethe room and sleep and mope about! And moan at me and how little space there is. Yes ok fine the flat is to small, ill go. Bye!”

 

“It was my fucking room originally asshole!!” aki called after Sebastian, Eero gave him a strongly disapproving glance and slammed the door on him. He followed Sebastian into the kitchen where he watched the agitated young man fish around in the fridge for some scraps of food.

 

“Where will you go?” Sebastian shrugged and shoved some packets of ham and cheese into his backpack.

 

“Somewhere, Im not such a bother anymore . there’s never any food now since he raids the fridge at night! I need to start testing soon for the team anyway. Ill go catch a flight to Germany, no one wants me around. I can get the team to sort a flat or something . its cool ill manage . Not that I suspect you care” Eero wasn’t offended by Sebastian’s sudden very childish outburst. Aki was also driving him a little insane. He had grown to care about the young despite the fact he was a little over bearing and ever so slightly annoying.

 

“Alright. Do you need a lift to the airport?” Sebastian noted how Eero wasn’t asking him to stay or telling him what to do...for Sebastian it just confirmed that no one cared. No one was interested in what became of him. The reality was Eero never interfered in anyone’s life and he felt it wasn’t his place to make Sebastian stay.

 

“No, ill catch a bus. Thanx” Eero watched the young man sling his back pack over his shoulder and walk out , head low shoulder hunched looking very sorry for himself. Eero sighed, he hated that everything affected him so much! He rushed out after Sebastian.

 

“Sebastian wait.” Seb turned to look back and his eyes where filled with tears and his lip was trembling. Eero was caught off guard.

 

“ow seb” Eero pulled the younger man to his chest and Sebastian buried his face in his neck and cried silently. Sebastian cried for a few minutes then pulled back rubbing his face on his sleeve.

 

“Stay. Ill sort aki out. He’s hurting to just now, but he’s being a massive drama queen.” Sebastian smiled a little.  

 

“Don’t leave like this” Sebastian shook his head. In truth he didn’t really want to stay. It wasn’t that he disliked eero , he liked him a lot. But Eero needed to help aki and Sebastian was just in the way again , as he had been for so much of his life.

 

“I have to go. You go sort him out. He needs you more than I do” Eero grasped sebs shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly.

 

“let me drive you to the airport. Don’t object ok. I insist”

 

Eero dropped Sebastian off at Helsinki vaanta airport and waited with him whilst he booked his ticket and checked in his bags.

 

“Guess this is goodbye then, thanx for everything Eero.” 

 

“Take care Sebastian. There is greatness in your future. You’re going to be just fine. I promise”

 

Sebastian was slightly freaked out by Eero at times. It was almost like the guy could see the future buts Sebastian knew that was nonsense! Eero was however very in tune with people and that made Sebastian trust him . they hugged a final time and Eero left. Sebastian wished him every happiness, he deserved it. He was a good man and he had suffered also, Sebastian knew Nico had left a massive mark on Eeros life.

 

His flight home was uncomfortable and he longed for the day when he would be able to fly first class everywhere. But he was still living off kekes money and he didn’t have his own earnings. When he could race and could earn his own living he wouldn’t have to worry about where he would live , he longed for that security. He feared the day when keke decided to check the account he had opened for Sebastian and found it cleared. The money was supposed to be used only for travel, but Sebastian had nowhere to live and he wasn’t about to go home to keke. So the money was going to have to pay his rent. He had no plan, he would literally be stepping off the plane with no bed for the night. First stop would be a hotel.

 

On the other side when he had collected his bags and was waiting for a cab to the Centre of berlin, he spotted a familiar face. It was insane that he actually recognized the guy….he had seen him around in karting but the last time they had properly laid eyes on one another they had been kids at a hotel and Nico and kimi had gotten into trouble…the guy was looking all around him as if he was lost . Sebastian abandoned his place at the taxi rank and jogged over.

 

“Hey! Long time no see!!”

 

The young man turned to him and smiled , Sebastian hadn’t seen anyone that happy to see him in a long time.

 

“ow uh hi! ..sorry I completely forget your name!”  finns , so forward and blunt. Sebastian loved them for it!

 

“haha Sebastian” seb shook his hand “Sebastian vettel” the young man nodded recognition in his eyes

 

“valtteri bottas!” seb grinned

 

“I know! I remember!”

 


	147. Wanderers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico is alone nursing a slowly breaking heart, Seb may be about to embark on a new adventure with some unexpected company and Kimi reevaluates his life.

 

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tt_3150591.jpg.html)

Nico was enduring longer and longer periods without Kimi. Night after night he’d wait and watch the door or sit by the phone. Kimi never walked through those doors and he never rang. Nico longed to be held, to be loved but most of all to be important enough for kImi to want to come home to. He longed to mena that much to someone that they would do for him what Kimi was willing to do for his Lauri. Nico wanted that, more than anything. He just didn’t understand, why was Lauri so precious? Once Nico had been all kimi could see, all kImi desired and wanted and fought for. He remembered Scotland and those eyes, a fleeting memory from there boyhood, such trusting eyes burning on his skin making his heart weep. If only life hadn’t happened the way it did…they could never go back.

 

He and Kimi where together but hundreds of miles apart.

 

One brisk evening after a long jog Nico had settled into bed, alone once again. He lay there on his side unable to even cry, he was getting used to it now. AS he drifted ,the phone rang and his heart skipped a beat. He shot up in bed and grab the receiver.

 

“Kimi?!” he said with such delight in his voice, the man on the other end felt guilty for calling.

 

“Sorry man. Its just me, long time not talk! Im in town…wanted to know if I could swing by your place? If its cool…” it was Lewis. It had been a while since he had seen his friend, a catch up sounded good despite the late hour.

 

“Yeah of course, do you have a pen handy ill give you our address. Kimi is ..out of town” Lewis had gathered that from the way Nico answered the phone but he decided not to pass comment. Lewis arrived within the hour and Nico buzzed him in. He completely didn’t care that his friend was going to see him looking somewhat worse for ware. Nico hadn’t showered after his jog and his hair was unruly and misbehaving, he was clad in one of kimis over sized black mclaren shirts and knee length shorts not his usual fresh classy attire.

 

Lewis met him at the door with a huge smile and gave him one of those bone crushing manly hugs, the ones where the other guy pats the wind out of your lungs. Nico coughed as he pulled away.

 

“How you been man? Id say you look good…but you look like you rolled outa bed!” Nico laughed lightly at the accuracy of the statement.  He fetched lewis a beer, one of kimis but kimi wouldn’t even notice. Nico could be arrested for streaking in the middle of Helsinki and kimi wouldn’t notice. Lewis caught the slight frown that hitched the edges of Nicos mouth.

 

“Nico? Buddy? Everything cool? Did I come at a bad time?” Nico handed him the beer and ran a hand through his hair shrugging and shaking his head dismissively.

 

“No , of course your welcome anytime. I just wish I was a better host, caught me a little of guard this evening. I haven’t even showered”

 

Lewis patted his shoulder playfully “ow aye I can tell , I can smell you from here! Rosberg you stink!”

 

Nico laughed, he laughed harder than he had in weeks, months even. Lewis smile made the mood just that little bit brighter, Nico felt himself relax. He needed this, he needed just those few moments where he could breath easy and enjoy the simple company of someone no complications, no drama, no heartache…

 

Valtteri had been very disorientated after Sebastian had found him. It turned out he had lost a bag and the airline hadn’t been very helpful , and being Finnish and stubborn he had stuck around the airport but hadn’t asked anyone else for help opting instead to wait outside until things got quiet and he could complain again. Sebastian managed to sort things for him and it turned out his bag had ended up on another flight, Sebastian gave Kekes German address so he could pick up the bag later for valtteri and solve the hassle of getting it shipped to Finland and all the costs that would incur. The problem now was valtteri had nothing but his passport, 20 euro to his name and the clothes he was standing in.

 

Seb booked them a cab and had them taken to one of the more reasonable hotels in town. Valtteri didn’t say two words and tagged along, allowing seb to lead. He looked just as lost as he had done that night many years ago in the hotel in Norway when his parents decided to abandon him in the suit they had rented.

 

Seb snuck a glance at him every now and then, he was good looking. Not anywhere near as handsome as kimi but he had that ‘Finnish’ look and those ‘Finnish eyes’ seb felt the heat rise a little in his cheeks. Valtteri was cute and he was feeling rather lonely.

 

When they arrived seb booked himself in and asked if valtteri would be ok to pay him back if he got another room. Seb was worried about his cash situation he wasn’t expecting to have to fit the bill for someone else , he thought he’d arrive in Germany with all the remaining cash for himself. But he couldn’t just abandon the young finn, valtteri had nowhere to go and no money and no change of clothes. Valtteri agreed he could indeed pay Sebastian back and that he would phone his bank in finland the next day for an emergency loan .

 

Then things got interesting, valterri wouldn’t need to pay him back afterall. The hotel only had one double room available and where booked out ..seb and valtteri ended up sharing. Again valterri didn’t say two words as the events all unfolded and he stood aside and let seb deal with it all. He didn’t seem fazed or bothered. Sebastian on the other hand had a million scenarios running through his mind , most involved him ending up murdered as valterri could have grown up to be a psycho and the rest where rather R rated versions of what might transpire between them.

 

Sebastian’s phsycho theory was disproved early on when valtteri disclosed that he was in Germany to test drive some F1 cars for the Williams team at nurburgring, in the lift on there way to the room. Sebastian added that he was going to be driving for torro rosso valtteri became a lot more animated after that and it seemed cars was a good way to get him talking.

 

They settled in to the room which was decidedly average but spacious enough and valtteri attacked the mini bar downing almost everything within the space of thirty minutes. Seb watched amused as the curious finn examined the little bottles after he downed them.

 

Valtteri turned round drawing his attention away from the bottles when Sebastian yawned

 

“Tired?” seb rubbed his eyes and nodded

 

“long day , very very long day…I can take the floor I don’t mind”

 

Valtteri shrugged “beds big enough” he replied and turned away again, seb knew enough about finns to know that was the end of there short exchange and valtteri probably wouldn’t say anything else unless prompted , finns didn’t like small talk so seb decided to keep quiet.

 

Another few minutes of awkward silence and Sebastian decided he had to call it a night . He was exhausted and snuggled under the duvet leaving his companion to his own devices. Seb fell into a deep sleep.

 

When Sebastian opened his eyes he was met with darkness, the room was pitch back and he was a little disorientated at first. He could here the faint sounds of traffic outside the window and that’s when he remembered he was in a hotel room and he was with a complete stranger. Sebastian went slightly ridged and froze , he felt like a bit of an idiot but everything had happened so fast and he had just taken pity on the other young man.

 

He noticed the bed was empty, In the darkness he couldn’t see the rest of the room. Where was the finn? Sebastian fumbled around looking for a light switch. He found one next to the bed an flipped it , a soft glow filled the room from the bedside lamp . It took a moment for Sebastians eyes to adjust. He glanced to the empty space beside him then to the bathroom, which was empty.  He gazed down to his side and there was valtteri curled up on the floor using his own jacket as a pillow a few of the little bottles scattered by his side. He had drunk everything seb noted as he spotted the mini bar lying open completely cleared.

 

Sebastian raised his eyes to the ceiling in dismay. Great he had a drunken stranger on his hands. How did he end up in these situations?

 

Regardless Sebastian took pity on valtteri and fetched a pillow from the bed and one of the spare sheets. He covered the young finn and gently slid a pillow under his head. Seb didn’t know why but he stopped to watch him sleep.

 

Lewis and Nico had gotten pleasantly drunk and had laughed and laughed until there sides where sore. Nico was far worse off than Lewis , he never had been very good at holding his drink . Lewis was now slowly drifting off to sleep on the coach beside Nico. Then Suddenly and without warning Nico bubbled up and started to cry, Lewis started to wake abruptly.

 

Nico made no coherent sense as be sobbed and hiccupped Lewis in his attempts to figure out what was wrong was slurring his words and couldn’t quite think straight. Eventually they had both fallen asleep in a pile on the coach

 

Lewis woke first, he felt awful and the sunlight burned his eyes. Nico was lying on his chest his beautiful pale face stained with wet trails of tears, then Lewis suddenly remembered everything, The last thing Nico had said before everything blacked out was -

 

“He doesn’t want me”

 

After Ville left that evening Kimi had gone for a walk alone to clear his head. His thoughts where racing, everyone and everything entered his mind. His real father , his mother…Niki and James, Nico, Lauri …Ville. He started to ask himself questions he had never asked before.

 

Who am I?

Where do I belong?

Am I really in Love?

Am I supposed to be here?

 

Kimi was lost, for the first time since before his trip to Scotland he felt he had no answers. One thing he did know and the only thing which kept him from picking up his feet and running away for good that night , was that he was loved. And nothing confirmed that more than when his house came back into view as he made his way home through the forest into his back yard and he saw his brother looking out the upstairs window from his bedroom awaiting his return and his fathers standing both looking concerned then relieved as he approached the glass doors.

 

This was home. Nothing could ever change that or take that from him.


	148. New Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is in homage to Lauris new single released a few days ago entitled 'New Day' everyone scuttle of to youtube for a listen :) 
> 
> There be some new additions to the family in this chapter! :)

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1240164_521557661257985_1347248999_n.jpg.html)

 

The phone rang at 3am on a cold January night. Niki ignored it and rolled over, James grunted and nudged him. It kept ringing and ringing. Niki eventually reached over and grabbed the receiver letting out a very groggy,

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hello Mr Lauda? She is in labor we expect the baby within the next few hours..” the nurse didn’t get a chance to continue Niki quickly replied “on our way” and threw the phone down he shook James violently.

 

“Get up! Get up its the baby!! James for fuck sake wake up!!!”  When James heard ‘baby’ he shot upright in bed and even for his age he managed to sprint to the bathroom. Niki heard the shower running and smiled. He wouldn’t bother with showering, he dressed quickly and darted to Lauri’s bedroom about to barge straight in , he managed to take a breath and compose himself. Lauri didn’t need a massive rush and a lot of fussing , this needed to be done calmly especially since Kimi was not there for support.

 

His F1 season was starting soon , winter testing had resumed and he was busy, trying And failing to manage a healthy relationship with Nico.

 

Niki entered the bedroom slowly. Lauri was curled up on his side sleeping peacefully. Niki almost didn’t have the heart to do this to him. To wake him and disrupt his whole life in just that one fleeting moment. But he had to this was it. Time had come.

 

He shook him gently and after a few tries Lauri’s head turned and his eyes blinked open , he looked so young and reminded Niki of when he was a small boy and he had to wake him for school or a flight which they often had to take to different countries for business or Kimis racing. He was still a kid himself. Niki took a deep shaky breath and caressed his hair.

 

“Get up sweet boy, your about to become a daddy” Niki watched as sleep left Lauri’s eyes and fear entered them. Niki soothed him the best he could.

 

“I’m here , its all going to be alright, I’m here with you son”  Niki coaxed lauri out of bed and practically had to lead him to the shower. He left lauri to wash and dress and although he wanted to rush and get there as quickly as possible lauri needed time. James and Niki stood nervously by the doorway Niki checking his watch every so often. Lauri wasn’t appearing …precious minutes ticked by , half an hour passed then forty minutes then Niki broke and rushed up the stairs to see what was taking so long.

 

The bathroom was empty steam still floating into the hall from the shower. Niki knocked on Lauri’s room door.

 

“lau…we have to go son” no answer , Niki entered . Lauri was stood by his window staring out. Niki was about to get agitated with him when he noticed the lights outside the window casting an amassing display of colors inside Lauri’s room. Dancing on the walls and his ceiling. The northern lights. Niki stood and saw them reflecting in his sons eyes and dancing along the contours of his face.

 

Niki massaged the nape of his neck and lauri relaxed.

 

“Some say they are spirits, of those we loved and lost. And they shine down a light so magical that we know they are watching over us. Maybe someone has a message for you tonight lauri,”

 

If lauri let himself believe such things then maybe he could allow himself to think his mother was reaching out to him. The night his own child would come into the world, maybe she was telling him it would all be ok? Maybe…

 

Lauri inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. He was ready. It was time to go. He longed for the presence of his brother and to his surprise….Aki.

 

“Ok” he said to Niki and they met James at the car. Lauri took one last look up at the sky. Deep inside he asked for help from whoever it may be that was out there watching over him, if there was anyone he hoped they’d here his plea

 

‘ _Please…please help. Let it be healthy, let me be a good father. I know I’ve messed up. Forgive me? Is this a sign?…show me what I’m meant to do…guide me. I feel so lost. Please help me’_

On the way Niki struggled with his new cell phone. It was a weird modern one and he could hardly work it eventually he managed to dial kimi. It rang out and rang out.

 

“Come on kimster!! Pick up” eventually the line crackled and a very annoyed Finnish voice snapped at him

 

“Isa its 5.30 am!!!” Niki rolled his eyes

 

“yes and your brothers about to become a father!” silence. Niki grinned to himself he could just see the expression on Kimis face.

 

“Is he ok? What’s happening? What sex is the baby? Is it alright?! Never mind! Put Lauri on the phone!”

 

“We are driving to the hospital, nothings happened yet as far as I know so calm down..” Kimi ranted some incoherent Finnish at him then switched back to English.

 

“PUT LAURI ON THE FUCKING PHONE ISA!!!” both James and lauri heard Kimis booming voice scream down the receiver. Niki held the phone from his ear and passed it back to lauri.

 

“Kimi..”

 

“Lau? Hey! Look ill be there as soon as I can. I’m up and I’m gonna get a quick shower and ….” Suddenly Lauri could hear Kimi break off to tell Nico to ‘shut up im on the phone!’ , then his voice came back on the line sounding urgent and agitated “ imam catch the first flight out, its all gonna be ok. Niki and James are there with you; they know what there doing they raised me from a baby there’s nothing to worry about. Your going be alright. You believe me don’t you?” lauri hesitated.

 

“Kimi im scarred” Niki automatically held James arm when Lauri said that. James concentrated on the road driving as quickly as he could but Niki saw his grip tighten on the steering wheel.

 

“I know…. I swear its all going to be ok. And ill be with you soon. Concentrate on your baby, the little life you created. Its an amassing thing Lau…im going to go and get ready ok? Im with you ok. In your heart, im right there. Congratulations little brother! I love you lauri…I love you more than anything. Ill see you really soon”

 

“love you, bye Kimi. See you soon” lauri handed the phone back to Niki and rubbed his eyes furiously. He wouldn’t cry. He would try to be strong.

 

When they arrived a team of nurses met them and led them to the ward. Lauri wouldn’t need to see her. Assuming no complications the baby would be taken straight out and he would be the first to hold the child. They told him not be alarmed by the blood and everything else and that they would wash the baby soon after.

 

They sat in the waiting room, an hour ticket passed. Lauri began sweating, his palms where clammy and the hair at the back of his neck was soaked. Niki was massaging his back and James was pacing. It was like a whole room of expectant fathers. When the nurse entered Lauri shot out of his seat startling Niki.

 

The nurse beamed at him, lauri at least knew his baby was alright. The next words he hadn’t expected to have such an affect on him but they did..

 

“You have a son” James cheered and clapped and Niki pulled lauri into his arms. Moments latter a doctor entered the room with a tiny bundle wrapped in blue blankets. He approached and placed the baby against Lauri’s chest, lauri wrapped his arms round the baby awkwardly and looked down. His heart thudded against his rib cage.

 

Perfect little ears, and a perfect little nose above rosy little bow lips. The baby was sleeping, eyelids gently closed. Long dark eyelashes, he was perfect. Lauri burst into tears. It felt amassing. More than amassing. After everything life had thrown at him, after the horrible way this little boy had been conceived. It was a miracle. The baby was a miracle. He was healthy and absolutely perfect.

 

Niki stood by Lauri’s side and looked over his shoulder, James by his other side doing the same. James broke first Niki soon after, silent tears staining there cheeks. They couldn’t have been prouder. Niki held Lauri’s shoulder and kissed him on the cheek.

 

“I’m so proud of you son. So proud” he whispered through tears. James ran his fingers through Lauri’s hair . he’d been a cause for a lot of Lauri’s pain and problems. Standing there with him sharing this moment after all he had put his son through , he felt he didn’t deserve this. It was on a different level for him, that lauri had allowed him to be there. He to kiss his sons tear-stained face and told him how proud he was and how much he loved him.

Then the doctor gently took the baby from lauri and started to walk away. Lauri panicked.

 

“What are you doing? Where are you talking him?!” the nurse held Lauri’s arm

 

“Its alright, he just needs cleaned up a little. It will take only a few moments. Then we will examine him and he’s free to go home”  Lauri looked to Niki and James for support.

 

“Its alright, let them do there jobs. He’s going to be just fine. You’ll have him back before you know it” Lauri nodded reluctantly. The whole time the baby was gone he didn’t relax. Niki couldn’t believe the change in him, from the young man who was adamant he wouldn’t want anything to do with the child, to a young man who was already pained by being separated from him.

 

It felt like an eternity, but within twenty minutes the boy was returned safely to his fathers arms. Lauri signed some papers. And that was everything final. He had sole custody over his son and he never had to worry about any of this ever again.

 

On the car ride back to the house the sun was rising, lauri was exhausted. As was James and Niki. But the adrenaline and joy of the new addition to the family was keeping them all awake. Despite there being a car seat in the car , lauri was holding the baby , which was technically illegal but James let it slip this one time.

 

Finally after a long drive they where home and the little one had slept through everything. Nurses had offered Niki and James to stay with lauri over night at the hospital that way they could have helped lauri adjust to feeding, changing and bathing the baby but Niki firmly stated that he had that covered. It had been awhile since kimi, but he remembered what needed done.

 

And right on queue once in the door as soon as lauri sat down with him the baby wailed and started to cry. Lauri wasn’t prepared for this bit. And looked up at Niki almost terrified.

 

“what’s wrong with him?...what do I do?” Niki didn’t want to laugh to much early on . It might give lauri a complex and make him feel like he wasn’t doing things right. He had to learn slowly. He was a young father, things like this didn’t come naturally especially to men.

 

“Stand and rock him a little. Ill get him a bottle. Ill show you how to do it later. For now just comfort him he’s hungry that’s all. And its his way of letting you know that” lauri felt instantly stupid. Of course babies cried when they where hungry!

 

The cries grew louder, and the baby really seemed agitated, lauri wasn’t able to settle him. James didn’t know if he should step in or not. Lauri looked exhausted and almost ready to give up already. The cries where piercing not even James could handle it, Kimi had never been that vocal as a baby. This was an entirely new experience for all of them. Niki returned quickly dropping some milk onto the inside of his wrist.

 

“What did you do that for?” lauri asked still trying to rock the little one.

 

“Checking how warm it is, if its to warm you’ll burn him. Here” Niki handed him the bottle; lauri now had distressed baby in one arm and the bottle in the other.

 

“what do I do!” he said distressed. Niki was also tired and exhausted and he was slightly failing at aiding his son.

 

“Sorry lauri! Im half asleep, here like this” Niki adjusted the baby in Lauri’s arm and guided his hand so the bottle was resting at an angle and the teet was in the babies mouth comfortably. Instantly the wailing stopped. Niki helped lauri sit right. So both he and the baby where comfortable.

 

It was an impressive sight and one Niki and James thought they would never see. Lauri feeding a baby. Lauri yawned his eyelids slowly closing his hand fell a little and the teet slipped from the baby’s mouth then the cries started again and he woke with a start and re adjusted his arm. Niki smiled and sat next to him.

 

“They let you know what they want in rather load ways. Youll get used to it, each cry sounds different eventually youll know how to tell if hes hungry, needs changed or just wants a cuddle” lauri looked at Niki eyes full of questions.

 

“Will I ever know all of that? im already messing up…arnt i?” Niki and James both grabbed one of his shoulders and shook their heads in unison.

 

“no! hell no! your doing amassing. We promise.”

 

The baby devoured the entire formula. But still wailed , lauri was at a complete loss. Was it him? Was the little one uncomfortable with him?

 

“What now!” lauri brought a hand to his head , he was so tired. Niki unlike James was ready to step in he took the baby from lauri.

 

“He has wind, see after every feed you need to relieve any trapped air. Because he cannot do it himself, watch, like this.”  Lauri watched Niki place the baby against his shoulder and pat its back firmly but gently. After a few moments there was soft sound escaped the little boy , not quite a burp but close. Lauri laughed, the happiest he had looked since the hospital and the baby had first been placed in his arms.

 

“awww” he cooed and Niki grinned at him. The baby was silent again. And Niki handed him back. He yawned and placed his tiny hand in his mouth sucking it and fell back asleep.

 

“And that dear boy is what they do! Moan, eat sleep and eventually…pee and poo a lot. Be happy this is actually the easiest part when he can walk and run and answer you back that’s when the real trouble starts!”

 

Niki swatted James, who pulled out of his reach and laughed.

 

“don’t listen to him! He did hardly anything with kimi I did all the work! But he is right…this is the easy bit..”

 

“Wait hold the phone! You did all the hard work? Excuse me!”

 

Lauri grinned at them both as they bickered over who did what for Kimi. He gazed down at the bundle in his arms blissfully unaware of the mad family he had been born into.

 

“its ok little guy, they’re not so bad once you get used to them” the little one cooed and Lauri kissed him lovingly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                 


	149. We live what we've learned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi arrives to meet his new nephew and some cracks emerge in the family once more. Is being an orphaned abandoned child rebounded on Lauri? Has Kimis more secure loving upbringing from birth prepared him better for life with children?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/10351973_327243590734304_7567970619768112786_n.jpg.html) [ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/c2c36ba7-fb07-4f8b-91f8-a478c8ffb054.jpg.html) [](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/be7c17f6-5dee-44eb-b762-4e976b4fbc82.jpg.html)

Kimi burst through the door and dropped his rucksack. The house was silent. The first thing that caught his eyes was the TV. It was on mute (highly abnormal since James usually had it blaring for background noise) the images where grainy like it hadn’t been tuned properly ..also unusual , he could see it through the door to the living room, as he approached and looked in he could see lauri on the couch fast asleep. James was in his chair also asleep with the TV control balancing on his stomach.

 

Niki tapped Kimi’s shoulder making him jump almost ten feet in the air. Niki laughed.

 

“That’s what you get for sneaking around!” they hugged and kimi looked all round, Niki knew exactly what he was searching for.

 

“where’s the baby? And what is it? I couldn’t call ..stupid flight got delayed, was everything ok? How’s Lauri ? Is he alright?” Niki loved how vocal Kimi had suddenly become.

 

“ok slow down. Everything went fine, Lauri is fine and hes taking to thinks really rather well. He was a ball of emotion last night, I wish you could have seen him when they first placed the boy in his arms…” Kimi beamed , his smile reaching his eyes which lit up instantly.

 

“A boy? Lauri has a son?! Im an uncle!!  Isa can you believe it?! Where is he , I wanna see him…can I see him…can I hold him?” Niki was trying so hard to stifle a sudden fit of laughter , kimi was so excited!

 

“Don’t take this the wrong way buba but your so cute when your like this!” kimi grimaced which made Niki want to laugh more. Lauri began to stir and kimi forgot all about Niki and his comment…

 

“lau!” kimi knelt by the couch “hey!!” lauri smiled instantly and threw his arms round kimis neck kimi held him tightly and squeezed.

 

“god I’m so fucking happy for you!!! Oh my god lauri im so happy! Congratulations little brother! A son? Im an uncle!!!”

 

Lauri leaned back and yawned he was still so tired, kimi was way to perky and he was practically bouncing like he had smoked something of eaten a whole bunch of batteries!

 

“Yes you are an uncle!” kimi started to pull him off the couch.

 

“Come on then! Where is he! Introduce us!”  Niki led the two boys up stairs to Lauri’s room where had spent the morning assembling the crib , he placed it at Lauri’s bedroom window. He slowly opened the door, which was prone to creaking something he would need to fix.

 

Kimi tip toed over to the window and looked down into the crib. The baby was a lot smaller than he had imagined, he was absolutely tiny! Kimi was actually scarred to lift him incase he hurt him. He reached in ran his fingers over the little ones face. He had never felt so much love, except for lauri. His heart swelled, the baby was beautiful he was instantly drawn in. he looked at lauri with big shimmering eyes, he wasn’t ashamed to cry over this.

 

“You can hold him, I don’t think he will wake up. Hes full and hes been changed” Niki said encouragingly, but kimi waited for lauri to give him the all clear.

 

“Its ok, go ahead ..uncle kimi” kimi didn’t need told twice he reached in and carefully gathered the little bundle into his arms. The baby stretched then settled again. Kimi held him close, he was natural he didn’t look as awkward as lauri had, Niki noted rather shocked.

 

Kimi kissed his little forehead and rocked him gently.

 

“I’m going to spoil you rotten! isa is not gonna know what hit him!” lauri rolled his eyes

 

“Well you can suffer the consequences , cause I wont!” kimi winked at him.

 

“We’ll see wont we…” kimi stopped and remembered he hadn’t been told the babies name.

 

“what did you decide to call him?” Lauri went silent and after a moment he shrugged. He had totally not even spared that a thought.

 

“I…actually I have no idea. You can pick a name if you like? Or Niki..i dunno im not good at these things!”

 

Niki patted Lauri’s back “its alright he doesn’t need one right this second, give it some thought . And you have to name him, hes your son. Relax about it , even if it takes a few weeks right now we can just call him a pet name. Like how we always called kimi buba and you lintu.”

 

Kimi instantly cut in with “talvi”

 

Lauri raised an eyebrow . “Winter? Your gonna call my kid winter?”

 

Kimi ignored him and cooed at the little bundle in his arms , then eventually looked up and grinned “what? Hes a winter baby! It’s a fitting pet name until you actually pick his real name, I think you should call him kimi…just putting that out there”

 

Niki huffed in protest and kimi mocked looking offended “what! You called me kimi! There’s nothing wrong with my name!” Niki laughed light heartedly and lauri smiled.

 

“I like your name but I’m not sure ill call him that no offence bro , you can name your son after yourself …I aint calling him after me either that’s for sure! …ill think about it some more , I have nothing coming to mind just now”

Niki patted his shoulder “take your time”

 

The rest of the evening the baby needed prized off Kimi, who wouldn’t give him to anyone else, including Lauri. Kimi actively observed Niki’s every move instantly learning how to make a bottle and sterilize it, he even managed a successful nappy change! Something Lauri hadn’t been so good at …Niki noted the small signs of jealousy in Lauri’s body language and facial expression and as much as he tried to subtly hint to Kimi to take a step back , Kimi just wouldn’t pick up on any of his signals. When Kimi did eventually hand the little one over he wailed instantly , Lauri rather unceremoniously handed him back and stormed off to his room leaving Kimi looking confused. As James reassured Kimi, Niki headed off to once again be the solver of all problems.

 

He found Lauri face down on his bed with his hands in his hair in fists. Niki didn’t want to bring on another bout of depression, he had to handle this very carefully.

 

“hey” he sat on the bed and placed a hand on Lauris back, he frowned when he felt Lauris muscles tense under his touch.

 

“Go away” Lauri’s words where muffled by the pillows his face was buried in.

 

Niki was astounded at how things could change so rapidly in his household. These days’ things went from calm to chaos in the blink of an aye. Niki had been through worse though and one of Lauris little tantrums was not about to phase him.

 

“Lauri pull yourself together. I’m not having this. You have a son now, you’re a man not a boy. Time to grow up and face your responsibilities! Get down stairs and bath your son and put him to bed” Niki hated how much he sounded like James but Lauri needed a massive reality check.

 

Lauri turned his face and Niki could see him clenching his jaw. He was angry and Niki expected that. He wasn’t being the push over Lauri was used to.

 

“Let Kimi do it, since he’s so perfect at everything!”

 

Niki brought a hand to his temple and squeezed. Lauri was really pushing it now. Niki knew he just had to walk away there was no talking to his son when he was lie this.

 

“Right, you just stay there and sulk. When you decide to grow up let us know”

 

Niki left Lauri to it. When he returned downstairs he was met by a much happier sight. James and Kimi had the two day old in an tin basin filled with water . Kimi was holding him and James was lightly splashing water onto his tiny body. The baby’s first bath , and his father no where to be seen. Niki hoped Lauri would pull himself together, he couldn’t afford to miss these moments but Niki had no way of conveying to him just how important these memories truly where.

For an instant he was transported back in time to Kimis early days. His first bath the first feed they had given him, his first nappy change, the first time he smiled at them…it all came flooding back and Nikis eyes watered. When Kimi looked round his face filled with concern.

 

“Isa? Whats the matter…” Niki walked over and knelt with the two men. James didn’t need to ask what was wrong he instantly knew.

 

“Reminiscing old man?” Niki smiled over at him. And looked at an old picture on the fireplace of him holding a 4 year old Kimi in his arms.

 

“Sorry, I just had a moment…suddenly I remembered everything about when you where this small Kimi”

 

Kimi smiled warmly at him “bet I wasn’t as cute as this little guy though” Niki laughed lightly

 

“You where the most beautiful thing I had every seen…next to this this little guy of course!”

 

There was the creaking of footsteps on the stairs behind them, Niki looked at the two and whispered

 

“Ignore him” both Kimi and James got the message; they continued there conversation and Niki wrapped the baby in a warm towel. Lauri approached looking very sheepish. He cleared his throat rather loudly to make his presence known. Niki turned and looked him over.

 

“Can I take him now please?” Niki smiled and placed the baby in his arms. Lauri was awkward and Kimi so desperately wanted to take the baby off him again but James sensed what Kimi was going to do and held him back gently.

 

Lauri retreated up stairs away from the overbearing trio to spend some alone time with his son.

 


	150. Tracks of his tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi begins using the baby to spend more time away from Nico, Seb is making a new life for himself in Germany and Lauri reunites with the band and someone puts a very bad idea into his head.

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Lewis had become a frequent visitor to Kimi and Nicos apartment. Kimi didn’t mind or even notice as it allowed him as much time away as he needed to be with the baby. He adored his nephew and it was just one more thing to add to the list of many that took him away from Nico.

 

Sebastian was very much enjoying his time in Germany and few had heard a word from him. Paparazzi images showed him frequently with a young blonde finn. Keke couldn’t get any information from seb about his new friend but industry sources had both young men pinned to be future formula one champions.

 

Having Sebastian safely distracted didn’t bring Nico any comfort. Kimi was always far away, both in body and mind and they didn’t have much of a relationship left to save.

 

As usual the hunt Lauda house was filled with tensions and drama. Lauri had not taken well to being a new father and losing contact with his biological brother Ville, who had disappeared suddenly, was also playing on his mind.

 

The initial surge of powerful feelings towards the baby had died quickly and all Lauri held inside now was a massive sense of failure. He had done everything wrong, from the very first moments. He fed the baby to late or had made the formula to warm or not the right consistency, he hadn’t changed him on time or enough , meaning lots of soiled ruined clothing, he couldn’t handle the blood curdling screams , mostly caused by the baby being in pain due to the fact he hadn’t winded him properly. The baby seemed to never sleep and whenever Lauri held him he cried his eyes out. Only Kimi could do everything like clockwork and kimi was around less and less as the F1 season preparations became more intense.

 

Niki tried to help as much as possible but he had an airline to run and had recently gone back to work. James had also resumed work with McLaren F1 team to support Kimis debut. Lauri felt like he was inside a snow globe with all the snow rushing and churning round and him stuck there rooted the spot unable to see or move or break free.

 

One morning Niki and James had left early both needing to run errands. Kimi had gone home the previous evening on a flight to Switzerland. Lauri was alone with the baby. He had tried feeding him, changing him, rocking him . The little one screamed and screamed. Eventually Lauri had placed him in his crib and was sat at the bottom of the stairs his head in his hands sobbing quietly as his son cried and cried.

 

It was to much, things weren’t getting any better, he felt that massive dark cloud hanging over him once again. Once again he felt like he just wanted to end it , like everyone would be better off without him. His son hated him, even a tiny baby knew he was damaged and no good.

 

Without a second thought he grabbed his coat and the keys to his car and walked out the door. The tears blinded him as he sped down the motorway not caring if he was speeding or if he would crash. Somehow he found himself back at that old apartment block.

 

He wrung the buzzer hoping his salvation awaited him, praying he wouldn’t be turned away.

 

“moi” that familiar voice crackled over the speakers.

 

“Aki …can I come up?” lauri heard a sharp intake of breath and the buzzer cut out with a sharp snap. Lauri hung his head and took a few steps towards the car ready to drive himself to the airport or the ferry. Anywhere just to get away from it all. When the heavy bottom doors swung open and Aki’s arms where suddenly around him.

 

Aki led Lauri up the to the apartment. Once inside he made them coffee and woke Eero who greeted Lauri warmly and with just as much enthusiasm as Aki. However both men turned sour towards him when it came to light that Lauri hadn’t told them he had become a father.

 

So Lauri launched straight into explaining his sudden re appearance in there lives and to try and justify his lack of communication with them. He begged Akis forgiveness, Aki only needed the slightest excuse and he would drop to Lauris feet . Eero knew this, he watched them both as they spoke and went about making up, Lauri still making it clear they weren’t going to be ‘together’ just yet. Aki didn’t seem to care or register anything other than Lauri wanted him back in his life. Then the really worrying conversation started.

 

Aki began to encourage Lauri to just leave. To abandon the baby and spend some time away from it all . To Eeros horror Lauri was taking this misguided advice to heart. Eero did eventually make his young friend see reason, but when Lauri confessed he had stormed out and the baby was all alone Eero marched him outside and drove Lauri straight back home before Niki and James could arrive and find that he had abandoned the baby!

 

Thankfully the child was fine and non the wiser as to the fact his father had deserted him. Eero managed to settle the baby long enough for Lauri to get a few hours sleep. When he heard the gravel outside crackling under tires he made a sharp exit out the back where he had parked the car and sped off. Eero really wanted no more to do with this than was absolutely necessary , the last thing he wanted caught up in was Lauris new family problems.

 

For a day or so things seemed to calm and Lauri started to find his feet, then it all went wrong badly. The baby ended up being rushed to hospital after he accidently knocked a jug of boiling water into the bath. He had just boiled a kettle for the child’s bottle and poured the water into the jug placing it on the window sill above the bath to cool and as he had turned he knocked it over and the squeals where blood curdling . The baby was thankfully fine as lauri had fished him out almost instantly burning his own hands in the process. The little one had minor burns which would heal and hopefully not scar , the police filed it as an accident and lauri had his hands seen to by a surgeon who told him he would be left with some scaring but he would be able to play guitar and wasn’t about to loose any fingers.

 

Niki and James where furious, both took time off work and exiled Lauri to his room suggesting he stay away from the baby for the time being. They just couldn’t risk another ‘accident’.

 

For nights Lauri wept , streams of uncontrollable tears. Niki didn’t look upon him with any sympathy and James was as cold as ever towards him. From their point of view he was immature and unwilling. From his perspective everything was too much and to difficult and he was lost and felt more alone than ever.

 

Eventually lauri made his decision. He was leaving. It was for the best, his son would have a fantastic life with Niki and James , the baby would be well taken care of, loved , spoiled and happy. All Lauri was bringing him was uncertainty and pain.

 

Lauri called Aki to pick him up at midnight at the bottom of the road then He sat at his piano and wrote his goodbye. Before he left he kissed his sons forehead pressed his fingers to the babies softly rising and falling chest and said

"I'll be right here in your heart. Forgive me someday , I'll love you forever. Be good for you grandads" and with the tracks of his tears visible on his face, he left. 

 

Niki awoke at 3am to the sound of crying. He lay and listened , they had put the baby back in with Lauri that evening and Niki expected that Lauri would settle him, he expected that Lauri would be grateful they where trusting him again. The crying continued and even James was awake now.

 

“Don’t think he is going to do anything about the crying. Maybe we should..”

 

“no” Niki cut James off “its his son, let him deal with it”  and so they lay there and let the minutes tick past, Niki gave in first . He got out of bed and stormned down the hall in anger. He entered the room expecting to firmly scold Lauri but instead when he turned the lights on Lauris bed was still made and hadn’t been slept in , his piano was empty of any music notes and some of his guitars where missing…his wardrobe doors where open and Niki spotted that his clothes where gone.

 

The screaming of the baby was the only thing that pulled him from his thoughts. Niki approached the crib and next to the little bundled up boy was an envelope which read

 

‘Isa’s’ . James appeared in the doorway rubbing his eyes of sleep, Niki silently handed him the distressed child and sat on Lauris bed opening the envelope and unfolding the paper inside. It was Lauris handwriting and Niki began to read aloud as James stood rocking the small bundle in his arms to try and silence his cries.

 

_They say time heals all wounds. However I suspect you will never forgive me for what I am about to do. I hope in time you will understand my decision. Im leaving, don’t follow me and I beg that you don’t try and bring me back. Take this letter as my acknowledgement that I give full custody of my son , Tuukka Kimi Nikolaus James Ylönen to you Niki Lauda and James Hunt._

_I am no father , you have both witnessed my failings and how I have even placed my sons life in danger due to my own stupidity and neglectfulness. I cannot do this, I cant be a father. I was never meant for this and by staying I condemn him to a life of watching me struggle with all my demons. I don’t want that for him, I want better. And he can have that, by me not being around. You can give him everything I cannot._

_Once your anger subsides and a day comes when he may ask of me. Tell him the truth , tell him I failed and I abandoned him but tell him why. Tell him it was because I loved him and I wanted better for him._

_Music is my life and I have returned to the band , to record and tour and to find myself again. As selfish as it may seem please know its for the best._

_Tell Kimi I love him and I wish him well and that I hope our paths cross again someday and I know my child and his future children could never be more loved._

_Lauri_

With each line Nikis voice started to fail him. Lauri had gone, again. But this time he had left his son behind, and it seemed for good. The child now had a name, Lauri finally named him, at least he had left him with that much.

 

James was shaking, he didn’t know was it because of rage, sorrow or despair.


	151. Tuukka Ylönen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi arrives home only to find his brother has committed the ultimate betrayal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo, for anyone still hanging around reading . The updates will probably get more frequent as the fic got a slight new lease of life with my decision to add some new characters and bring back some old ones :)

 

 

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/1a782872-2989-4e55-b7b1-fa07f9be35c1.jpg.html)

When kimi arrived home to Finland for a short break, he found Niki in tears cradling the small bundle that was Lauri’s baby.

 

Kimi walked foreword slowly. Something within him sensed that once more things in his home where not as they should be. When Niki looked up and there eyes met , before a word was spoken Kimi knew…

 

“He’s gone” Niki said looking at kimi through tear filed eyes “He couldn’t do it .He abandoned his son.”

 

Kimi turned on his heels , got back into his car and sped to Helsinki. He battered the doors of the apartment building and wrung the buzzer so hard he was sure everyone on every floor had heard the noise. The neighbors eventually hung out of there windows and swore at him or threatened to call the police. Then suddenly there was paparazzi and he had to make a sharp exit.

 

It was pretty clear to him that the flat was empty. Lauri was probably long gone.

 

James met him at the door when he arrived back and attempted to calm him , it was no use. Kimi felt his temple swell and his forehead throbbing, his vision was coming and going and he was seeing red. He had not had an episode like this in years , he took himself off to the backyard and just screamed.  He feel to his knees in the middle of the yard and stayed there for hours until night began to fall and all of the anger seeped out of him into the ground beneath his knees.

 

When he made his way back inside silently he picked up Lauri’s goodbye note that had been dissuaded on the kitchen table and read it. As he glanced over the words his eyes stung, he scrunched the paper in anger and dropped it to the floor.  He was bitterly disappointed, he felt like his heart had just been crushed he thought lauri had seen the light finally he had thought maybe the baby would change him, give his life a new purpose, he was wrong.

 

The baby began to stir and Kimi could hear Nikis exhausted voice from the living room pleading with the child to settle. Kimi took a deep breath and approached Niki and the little one as calmly as possible

 

“Give him here” he said to Niki who handed him the child. Kimi cradled the little boy close and rocked him up and down patting his back and watching his tiny features relax, soft gurning noises filling the silence. Kimi noted how the boy was getting soft tufts of black hair and he was finally putting on weight. He was so precious, kimi was already in love. But it would be Niki who would be left to raise the child. James would try his hardest but Kimi knew from personal experience that everything was always left to Niki.

 

How could lauri be so selfish? How could he just up and leave ? didn’t he care? What about Niki?, Niki was older now it was a huge burden to leave him with.

 

This wasn’t what Kimi had expected to come home to. Niki dried his eyes and quickly compassed himself.

 

“Well” he started “life goes on” kimi watched him walk off to the kitchen and start preparing formula for Tuukka, the name Lauri had given him, written on the note he had left. Kimi pondered the name and wondered where it may have come from as he looked down into the babies’ peaceful face.

 

“Hey you” he whispered, “you’ll be just fine little man. Just fine”

 

Niki returned a few minutes later and held out  a bottle.

 

“Would you feed him? I have so much business to do , my head is pounding” Kimi nodded and took the bottle and Niki retreated to his office . Kimi sat in James old chair secured the babies head against the crook of his arm and pressed the teet to his lips. Even half asleep Tuukka wasn’t going to reject his bottle and started sucking gratefully.

 

“Should I sing? What do you like? Im afraid I don’t have your dads voice” the babies eyes fluttered open a little and he looked up at kimi over his bottle. Kimi placed his hand on the child’s small chest his hand almost as big as Tuukka’s entire torso , the baby grasped his finger and help tightly.

 

“You have a good grip”

 

James re-appeared through the front door with tones of shopping bags. He stumbled through the hall to drop them in the kitchen . Kimi didn’t pay any attention and concentrated on his nephew instead. James looked round the living room door and smiled.

 

“Suits you kimster” kimi huffed in reply.

“Do you know about lauri?” James smile faltered.

 

“Yes I know. Niki took it hard. I knew it was coming kimi, I knew lauri was up to something. And he couldn’t handle the baby. Also Aki wont return my calls” Kimi nodded slowly not looking at James once. So Aki was finally showing his true colors, Kimi had never liked him.

 

“How could he do it? How could he leave him. He’s so small and fragile and innocent…and helpless” James approached the chair sticking his hands inside his jeans pockets and leaning over kimi to catch a glimpse of Tuukkas sweet little face.

 

“That’s why kimi. Because Tuukka is so innocent and impressionable and lauri is recovering from a horrific time in his life . I was angry at first, but now I realize Maybe he didn’t want to pass all that onto his son. He did try to explain in his letter. I know we can’t understand it. But maybe given time he will come back”

 

Kimi didn’t see how James could suddenly have become so understanding of his brother when for years he had turned a blind eye to lauri.

 

“He doesn’t deserve to come home after this. And I never thought id say that, I love Lau, god I adore him. But this is his flesh and blood, for years he moaned about you and how he suffered because he felt neglected and abandoned and outcast and now hes done that to his own child?. Ill never understand” James patted kimis shoulder, Kimi didn’t understand. But given time he would. It was a huge responsibility having a child and somewhere never cut out for it.

 

Lauri’s decision was selfish but also James saw it from his point of view, he felt he was doing what was best for the child. And who could know in that moment whether Lauri was right or wrong? Who knew what Tuukka’s future held, maybe lauri would never have cut it as a parent and ruined Tuukka. Maybe things truly where better this way.

 

Hey where interrupted when Tuukka hick upped and milk spilled out his mouth then he started to cry.

 

“ah perfect baby sick!” James laughed and took him from kimi .

 

“Better wash that shirt now or it’ll stink forever! Believe me , myself and Niki know all to well!” James used Tuukka’s bib to clean his tiny mouth and held him against his shoulder patting his back.

 

Kimi stripped his shirt off and chucked it into the machine when he returned he eyed James amused.

 

“why are you patting him like that?” James rolled his eyes

 

“Never heard of burping? You have to relieve their wind after a feed because they cannot do it themselves, and if you don’t they can choke or get sick or have bad gas troubles”

 

A few moments later Tuukka made the most adorable little wind noise , kimi doubted you could even describe it as a burp. Him and James both ‘awwwe’d’ in unison.

 

“And there you have it, gas!” Kimi laughed and took Tuukka back off James holding him against his bare chest, the babies cheeks where warm and his fluffy onesie was soft against Kimis skin.

 

“I think you’re taken with him kimster. I see a bond forming here” James winked , kimi traced a finger down the bridge of the babies nose and cooed at him. James wished he had a video camera . There in the middle of there living room was there , dead pan expressionless icicle of a son cooing at a baby.

 

James didn’t have a video camcorder handy but he did have a camera, quickly he snatched it from the drawer in the kitchen . He returned and snapped an image of kimi standing by the fire with Tuukka clutched safely against his chest .

 

They where a perfect sight. Part of James ached that it was the wrong son he was snapping pictures of. It should be Lauri standing there with his little baby safe in his strong arms.

 

“Cant I just say he’s mine and keep him?” kimi said , talking out load more to himself than to James.

 

“Like I said it suits you” kimi looked over at him his eyes full of warmth and his face light and cheerful. It was so unusual to see him like that , James thought no camera would ever do that face justice , the expression on kimis face was to perfect and James was so lucky he had been there to see it.

 

 

 

 


	152. Down the rabbit hole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico makes a fatal mistake, he has messed up big time...will Kimi find out?

 

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/2c195daa-8704-44e1-87e1-e4d02d4d8952.png.html)

 

Kimi was gone, again. The walls of their lavish apartment in Switzerland seemed to be closing in on him. He had to get out he felt like he was suffocating. In a panic Nico grabbed his keys and raced out the door down the flights of stairs taking them two at a time finally throwing open the large heavy security doors at the bottom and gasping for air.

 

This was happening to him a lot lately , he wasn’t coping alone. Panic attacks, the doctor had called them, stress related, he just needed to relax . Currently he was on pills for anxiety , they weren’t helping . Kimi was oblivious and had once again abandoned him with a simple text message. They hadn’t had sex in months. Nico was to tired now to fight, or manipulate, he’d lost his edge.

 

 There was no point in any of it anymore and now he had given in. All he had left to focus on was the possibility of getting into formula 1 and doing something he enjoyed for the rest of his youth then retire later and find something else to occupy himself , and if kimi wanted him fair enough if not he doubted he would loose any sleep over it now.

 

As if on queue, Lewis arrived. Pulling up in his new ride , a present from mclaren F1 team who planned to sign him after kimis contract expired. He got out sporting a massive flashy smile on his face took one look at Nico and all his façade fell , he jogged over to where Nico was leaning foreword hands on his knees as if he was going to throw up.

 

“Nico? Hey man you ok?” Lewis helped Nico stand upright and rubbed his back in circles.

 

“you ill? You gonna hurl?” Nico looked at him not understanding what he was asking, Lewis rephrased the question

 

“you gonna throw up?” Nico shook his head, no he wasn’t going to throw up, he doubted there was anything in his stomach to warrant that. He hadn’t eaten properly in awhile.

 

Nicos long blonde hair was sweaty and there where little drops of perspiration on his forehead neck and chest. It took a moment to regain his breath; once he had he patted Lewis shoulder reassuringly and pulled away from him ready to go back to the flat.

 

“im good , I just had a moment . Coming up for a beer?” Lewis nodded dumbly and followed him. As usual they talked all about Lewis and the wonderful new things that where going on in his life. Lewis drank a few beers and Nico sipped a strong black coffee. When Lewis asked how Nico had been since he last saw him , Nico shrugged and avoided the question.

 

Nico didn’t notice all the subtle signs Lewis had been giving him. Constantly coming over in his free time when kimi was away, always drinking alcohol so he had the excuse to stay the night because he wouldn’t be able to drive, constantly showing off on front of Nico. Little did Nico know Lewis had made up his mind and on this visit he was going to make his move.

 

‘Hey have a drink? You look like you need one man” Lewis slid a beer across the kitchen counter to Nico. Nico shook his head.

 

“If I drink that I will hurl” Lewis smiled but he wasn’t taking no for an answer and Nico couldn’t be sober for this , or it wouldn’t work. So Lewis thought quickly , dinner, someplace nice in town . Nico after much persuading agreed, he drove and they found somewhere exclusive and quiet where no one would spot them and no headlines could be made by any paparazzi.

 

Lewis made sure Nico ate well, he had noticed Nicos rapid weight loss and he wasn’t completely stupid. He knew Nico was depressed about kimi. He was going to show Nico other possibilities. They laughed and joked and Lewis made sure Nico was paying full attention to him. Kimis name was not mentioned, not even once.

 

Once he got Nico back to the apartment , he tried again this time with wine. Wine seemed more Nicos style. Reluctantly but to Lewis delight , Nico accepted and glass after glass passed his lips until he was right where Lewis wanted him and then he made his move.

 

Slowly he closed the space between them and his lips met Nicos. He could taste the wine and smell nicos cologne . His lips where soft and tender . The kiss led to touching , touch led them to the bedroom , everything was a haze , Nicos head was spinning , there where white sheets , a hand placed on the small of his back , someone rocking into him , the sound of deep moans and scream of pleasure, and then it was all black.

 

When he woke everything hurt, slowly he forced himself up onto his elbows. Then it hit him like a truck hitting a brick wall. He and Lewis had slept together. Nico ignored the protest his body made when he got up to quickly. He made his way to the bathroom completely naked and tried to examine himself. Lewis voice called out, Nico felt sick

 

“Nico? Babe? You up?” babe? …This wasn’t happening. Nicos head was spinning. Then Lewis appeared in the doorway of the bathroom and looked at him confused.

 

“What are you doing man?” Nico stared him down, Lewis felt uneasy now. Nico had been so into it, and was phenomenal in bed it was the best sex he had ever had and kimi didn’t know what he was missing. However Nico didn’t seem at all pleased now, Lewis was worried he hadn’t performed as well as Nico was used to and that kimi was better in bed…

 

“Did you use a condom?” Lewis was slightly shocked by the question and evidently took to long to answer

 

“Lewis did you fuck me without any protection?!.. Did you come inside me?!”  Lewis swallowed hard and even through his dark complexion it was evident he was blushing furiously.

 

“Of course I used a condom! And no I didn’t…I came on your…stomach. You don’t remember any of this?” Nico heaved a massive sigh of relief and franticly turned the tap on washing his face furiously. Lewis tired to comfort him placing a hand on his shoulder but Nico batted it away the water trickling down his face as he spoke.

 

“Please, go . You have to go . I don’t want this, this was a massive mistake and you can never mention this to anyone. Understand? Kimi would kill me, he’d kill me Lewis you can’t say anything and you have to go!”

 

Lewis naively took Nicos words differently than intended. He saw that Nico was threatened and this gave him the idea that he could somehow get Nico away from Kimi. He didn’t read between the lines to what Nico actually meant, which was that it would never happen again and there was nothing between them. Lewis fancied himself the hero of course and ignored the word ‘this was a massive mistake’ .

 

“ok, you know where I am if you need me. This aint it Nico, we’ll see each other again and when we do I hope your rid of that asshole. I’ll be waiting” before Nico could object or try to make his point clearer Lewis had grabbed his keys and left.

 

Nico had another massive panic attack, he was suddenly to hot even though he wasn’t clothed, it felt like he couldn’t breath again and his head had started to ache his vision blurred, the room was spinning. All he could think of was Kimi and how he had betrayed him. Despite Kimis absence, Nico somehow knew deep inside that Kimi had never been unfaithful . Nico had cheated …Kimi would kill him. The only comfort he had was that Lewis might not tell and he could pretend it hadn’t happened.

 

When the attack started to subside, Nico shoved on the shower and sat on the floor letting the spray hit him. He didn’t hear the front door opening.

 

“Nico! Nico im home” Nico started sobbing. He couldn’t face this. Then he heard a strange noise …it sounded like…

 

“Nico! I’ve someone here to meet you!” Nico wiped his eyes and listened again. A baby…it was a baby crying. Nico stood and grabbed a towel and composed himself he dried his body quickly ignoring his hair pulled on a plain shirt and black trousers and entered the living room.

 

Kimi looked over at him and flashed him the brightest smile he had seen in a long time. Nico felt his stomach constrict and tried to smile back. Kimi pulled a tiny bundle out of the carrier chair and walked towards Nico. Nico avoided eye contact and instead looked down into kimis arms.

 

Instantly Lewis was forgotten. His indiscretion was forgotten, something came over him as he gazed down at the baby. He couldn’t quite figure out what it was. He leaned in and a tiny hand batted at his face and the child cooed at him. Tears formed in his eyes again. The whole time unaware that Kimi was watching him and falling in love with him all over again at the sight of Nico interacting with his nephew.


	153. Trespassing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico is seeing visions of a possible future , the happy family , himself Kimi and a son ...  
> Sebastian is forming a long lasting friendship in Germany  
> Lauri is off state side with the band  
> and someone is also roaming the states searching for the best kept secret the Raikkonen and Ylönen families ever had

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is gonna end with a major plot twist and I get the feeling some r gonna either hate it or love it, but since the feedback has died down and most of you are silent readers I have no measure of these things....
> 
> Also as a side note - I appreciate each and ever person who reads this work , However I see the view count and Kudos go up but no one reviews anymore....just as an indication of who is still around or who is dropping by, maybe you could at least say hi? I'd really appreciate that :) 
> 
> anyway on with the drama!

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_ndtwpphSl71tcmk6fo1_500.jpg.html)

 

Kimi had reluctantly been given his nephew for a week. Before the season started and he would no longer be as available. The baby now almost three months old was bright eyed and happy. He looked upon the world around him with fascination and joy. He was to Kimi a massive bundle of love and contentment…except everything went into his mouth. Kimis caps, his keys, his phone, and Nicos nose… everything seemed covered in baby drool.

 

Tuukka was an exceptionally handsome little boy , even if Kimi did say so himself. The little one had stunning green eyes , soft tufts of brown/black hair a bow mouth and a perfect little nose.

 

To kimis surprise and delight, Nico was completely captivated by Tuukka and had never shown so much interest in anything , except Kimi himself. He watched as Nico drove a plastic car round and round Tuukka , making engine noises as the little one flapped his arms and legs in delight smiling up at Nico adoringly.

 

Kimi had suddenly woken up, he saw what an amassing person Nico could be, he saw all the wonderful things he had known and loved before all the trauma and disconnect . All the emotions flooded back to him and the love he thought was lost returned.

 

Nico felt kimi slide up behind him on the floor kimi’s chest pressed to his back then there was a hand snaking round his waist and soft kisses against his neck. Nico tried to put Lewis far from his mind and to act as normal as possible , and to display a degree of unhappiness so that kimi  would still be aware that he had hurt him, but it all felt like a massive act , and in comparison to what he had done nothing kimi had put him through compared . However kimi couldn’t know that something had happened, Nico had to act as he had before kimi left he had to stop kimi suspecting anything.

 

Kimi noticed Nicos smile falter and he instantly knew why.

 

“Hey, I know this wont make a difference just now. But I’m sorry, I’ve treated you like shit and I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you, I’ll be better . I swear” Nothing in Kimis voice, suggested he was faking it, every syllable of every word was genuine. Nico forced himself to smile and lean back into Kimi.

 

“Babies don’t fix relationships, no matter how cute they are . But….it is a start , he’s adorable, I think I love him already” Kimi grinned and kissed Nico again before resting his chin on Nicos shoulder and looking down at Tuukka . He might as well tell Nico , they where partners after all.

 

“Lauri took off, he’s…he’s left Tuukka to Niki and James and fucked off with those bone head band members of his” Nico tensed

 

“What?...like he has …given the baby up? Can he do that? Isn’t that illegal?” Kimi frowned, it probably was. In fact Lauri could probably be imprisoned for abandonment or something.

 

“I don’t know but it doesn’t matter, he can go. I’m done with him. I never thought I’d ever say that, but then I never thought my little brother would abandon his child” Nico heard the sorrow in Kimis voice and looked down at the innocent little boy before them who was falling asleep, his little eyelids closing slowly. He couldn’t help to pang of delight in the pit of his stomach, Lauri was Kimis biggest distraction and Kimi loved him above all else, Nico was glad he was out of the picture, finally.

 

“Tuukka has you. He’ll never need anyone else” Kimi smiled and buried his face in Nicos neck and whispered.

 

“He has us”

 

Lauri was shook awake violently by the pilot practically dropping the plane out of the air onto the runway. Pauli, being some kind of strange genius within the music business had booked them an appointment with a new label in L.A and they had flown first class. Not something Aki and Eero where used to and Aki stole one of the wine glasses as a ‘souvenir’. Lauri was accustomed to this kind of treatment after all Niki owned an airline .

 

What he was not prepared for was all the lavish luxuries that came after.

 

They where met at the air port by one of the labels executives and each escorted to his own limousine, which Aki objected to as he wanted to be with Lauri but accepted reluctantly so as not to piss off there new label.

 

 The label had booked them a massive hotel suit, laid on a five course meal, which in true American style consisted of every kind of unhealthy food known to man in super size. Later that evening they where picked back up in there limos and swept off down town to meet there new producers and the men who held the purse strings.

 

The whirlwind day had made Lauri lethargic and he didn’t feel to great. With Lauri’s brain more than a little hazy, Pauli took over negotiations, backed up by Eero. It seemed they would be on a two-album deal. The label was impressed by there previous work, but cautious that they hadn’t broken outside of Europe , into the UK , US Asian or Australian markets and was keen to push Lauri to get his head down and write the best lyrics he had ever written.

 

 They also suggested co writers work with him but he objected strongly as did the other band members. The deal was not the best, but once finalized it was a far better deal than was offered to most unknown bands in the states.

 

 The band would get a 20% share of the album sales and if the record sold over 3 million copies they would each get and extra 20% , all merchandise profit would be there’s (this was stipulated by Aki who planned to open his own company selling rasmus march) and 40% touring profit would be there’s, the label was reluctant to agree to that, until Eero said the band would use there own money for the tour bus (he had some friends who could help out) . The band also said they would pay for there own music videos, which allowed Eero to stretch his legs as a film maker (his secret passion). And so it was settled, the Rasmus had a new recording deal and home was as far from Lauri’s thoughts as ever.

 

Sebastian had just been given the biggest news of his life, Toro Rosso was making him there no 1 driver. He was on the fast track to F1 with a very promising bright future ahead, and a new best friend to share it all with.

 

Valtteri hadn’t done so well on his team trial bit Williams F1 had him on reserve for the future . Valtteri and Sebastian had struck up warm friendship . Valtteri had gotten his bag back eventually, and had moved into a small one bedroom studio flat with the chirpy German on the floor above him. Now that seb would be on a greater salary he planned to move to a larger place and of course valtteri was going to be his new room mate . There was nothing sexual between them , Sebastian had come out to his friend as gay and valterri was unfazed by it but  made it clear he was straight and Sebastian had buried his little crush in acceptance of that.

 

Meanwhile, Ville Lauri’s estranged biological brother had been on a little adventure of his own. One, which took him to the American state of Iowa. Using the excuse of visiting a friend, slipknot vocalist Corey Taylor, to throw his suspicious band members off.

 

Once in Iowa Ville didn’t bother contacting Corey, instead he was on a mission. He was looking for the address of a young man. A very important young man.

 

He searched for what seemed like hours, wandering round suburban neighborhoods, with quiet streets and large homely houses, freshly mowed front lawns and each with two or more expensive cars . It wasn’t what he was used to and he got more then a few stares from the locals. After all Ville was tall slime with jet black hair , green eyes and a very alternative fashion sense the locals might be mistaken him for Marilyn Manson for all he knew.

 

Eventually he stumbled across what he hopped was the right house; the letter box had the correct last name. He wasn’t there to confront the young man, but he did want to at least catch a glimpse, so he rounded the corner from the house and sat on a wall , waiting.

 

In truth he had no idea what he was looking for but he had a suspicion that if he saw the man he’d know. About forty minutes passed when he heard voices. He walked back round and watched unnoticed behind some trees as a young male exited the house. Ville smiled to himself, it was him. He knew instantly, the youngster had been described to him as “what you would get if you merged Lauri and Kimi into one person” and they where right.

 

The youngster had jet black long hair, Fawxhawk style with a long fringe, Lauri’s eye shape, Kimi’s nose and chin , Lauri’s lips and Kimi’s ears.

 

Some secrets can be incredibly well kept, but sometimes, someone, somewhere knows a little more than they should and sometimes it slips out. This was the best kept secret Ville’s family had. A baby born over twenty years ago, thought not to have been alive he was left , abandoned . The mother struggled on and had given birth again, this child was recued and had lived a safe happy childhood. Everyone involved ignorant of the other child , few knew of his existence. Now Ville had found him. Adopted in infancy by an American family.

 

This was Kimis non identical twin. Adam.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-09-06%20at%2021.25.48.png.html)


	154. By the rules I play

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian is doing well, everything in his life seems to be falling into place. Yet he is still troubled , and has found his very own Eero to provide some much needed wisdom and advice.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_nhkdqsUgBN1regjz1o1_1280_1.jpg.html)

 

Sebastian was sat in the living room of his new rather modern home. Meditating, something he had continued from his brief encounter with Eero. Valtteri arrived with boxes announcing his presence by tripping , falling and sending the contents of the boxes scattering across the floor, Sebastian’s eyes shot open startled. He found valeterri on the floor face down next to him.

 

“What you doin?” valtteri asked looking up at Sebastian, seb couldn’t help laughing. The finn looked positively mortified and Sebastian was sure he must have been happy seb hadn’t witnessed him fall.

 

“Could as you the same thing moron! What the hell Valt you nearly gave me heart failure!”

 

Valterri looked up sheepishly, “sorry” he was a man of few words, a typical finn. Seb of course loved that, it meant he could talk all he wanted and always have some one who would listen and then just straight out give him an honest opinion, no bullshit and no beating about the bush. Just like Kimi…

 

“so…what you doin?” seb patted valterris head .

 

“Meditating” Valterri looked puzzled like he was searching for the Finnish word for ‘meditating’ in order to translate it in his brain, it was obvious after a few moments he was failing at that and seb would need to elaborate.

 

“it’s when you sit with your thoughts and try to meet the point of stillness between them and stay there and connect to something more…like the universe. It helps , to just sit awhile and clear your mind I usually do it in the shower haha , the noise can be distracting though” valterri nodded along.

 

“Why do you need to?”

 

seb srowned “what do you mean?” valterri shuffled and sat up crossing his leg mimicking sebs posture sitting next to him.

 

“Why do you need to clear you mind? Something wrong?” seb wanted to explain that something didn’t need to be ‘wrong’ for someone to meditate but as usual valterri had touched on something. There was indeed something bothering seb and that’s why he had settled down in the new living room to get some time to clear his thoughts. Thoughts that had been troubling him. Thoughts of Kimi. Seb had rarely spoken of Kimi to the other finn , rarely discussed him at all. Valterri however could read between the lines of what he had been told.

 

“I guess… my mind has been wandering a bit lately. Just stupid stuff”

 

“What stuff?” Valterri seemed uncharacteristically interested . Usually the finn never pried just waited for seb to talk and volunteer information. Seb didn’t know why but everything just came pouring out and he began to get tearful.

 

“I haven’t heard from my fathers. Mika still hasn’t contacted me to apologize for throwing me out, fadder doesn’t care where I am or what I am doing. My brother has stolen the love of my life and delighted in tormenting me all my life and doesn’t deserve kimi and kimi will never see the light. I miss my old life , once upon a time I was a happy kid things changed to quickly I always dreamed of my dads together under the podium watching me stand there as world champion cheering for me , and even Nico happy for me or up there with me , and also kimi… if I was stood there and I was no2 and he was no1 I would delight in looking up at him, I have dreamed of it. A podium with him, him in my life , if I could only save him from Nico. if he wouldn’t be mine as long as he wasn’t his. That’s awful isn’t it? I feel awful , I feel selfish ….I just want rid of these thoughts”

 

Valterri thought over what seb had told him , the silence was uncomfortable and seb thought valterri wasn’t going to add anything when finally he spoke.

 

“Did you ever tell him these feelings?” seb shook his head and looked at his hands.

 

“One time I said something to him in German , of course he didn’t understand it. He had fallen ontop of me and we where there in the snow in Finland , no one else . But he doesn’t know, he wont ever know and it makes no difference now anyway.  My poisonous brother has him once more”

 

“he’s Finnish kimi …I don’t remember cause you said hes adopted” seb nodded

 

“yeah kimis a finn” valterri thought again.

 

“Well…finns don’t like all this complication. We like a simple life, and we don’t talk about our feelings so much . Eventually he is going to leave. Just wait for it, also you should be in contact to be there for him , to listen and then when he realizes who has always been there, well his eyes will open. Instead of forcing it , let kimi come to you. You can take the horse to water you cannot make the horse drink, instead wait till its thirsty it will find the lake by itself”

 

And with that valterri started putting his things back into the boxes, and seb felt eerily like Eero had somehow telepathically used valterri to communicate with him.

 

Sebastian took action immediately , he called the familiar number of the Hunt lauda residence. Niki ever accommodating and concerned gave over Kimis new mobile number . Sebastian learned of Lauris baby, lauris departure and was pleased to hear the venom seep into Niki’s voice when he spoke of nico. James and Niki disapproved that , meant seb had something on his side. This would take time, but as valterri said it was for kimi to finally see what was good for him and for seb to be there. He had waited this long , he could give it one last shot. He owed himself that much.

 

He also had a plan hatching in his mind, lauri had abandoned his baby, gone off with the band even without Niki saying it seb knew that must have devastated kimi. Seb had known and always accepted that above all else kimi loved his brother . the fact Nico would never accept coming second best meant that he would eventually push kimi away completely. And seb if he could somehow repair this, somehow reach lauri and bring the brothers back together, bring lauri back to his family and make him see sense then he would do something for kimi which was sure to get kimis attention and hopefully, finally make him see that there was someone who loved him unconditionally. Someone who would never place demands onto him and never change him or expect him to be who he wasn’t.

 

Just as Seb was about to leave the house his mind clearer and his mood lighter, his phone buzzed his pocket. The ID read ‘Ville’ . Sebastian frowned and was ready to delete the message, something stopped him and instead he opened it.

 

‘News for you. My band mate who has been living next to lover boy and you brother dug some dirt out of Kimi’s family history. I found his brother…and no I don’t mean Lauri. Interested to find out more? Get your ass to Iowa , USA ASAP. This might just be the opportunity you always wanted. See you in the states my Little German friend.’

 

Sebastian read that text over and over again frozen to the spot . He had to tell Kimi…but first he had to prove this wasn’t a hoax and that Ville wasn’t planning something awful to trap them all….


	155. Finding Adam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ville has an encounter he wasn't expecting. Nico has become attached , can he let the best thing that ever happened to him go?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/Screen%20Shot%202015-09-06%20at%2021.20.17.png.html)

 

Adam had been adopted by the Lamberts. A well off family who couldn’t have children of there own and had lived in Sweden for many years before spending time in Finland and loving it so much they had decided upon adopting a finnish child and moving there permanently.

 

 There reasoning was based on the fact that they wanted to make sure there child was entitled to all the benefits of being Finnish. The most notable being the countries outstanding education system. However the child they adopted had a serious medical condition forcing them to return to the states, the only place they trusted to provide medical care sufficient enough to help there new son survive. Little did they know had they stayed in Finland Adams problems may have better dealt with.

 

They never returned to Finland. Ville band mate Mige had told him a lot about Adam and his first few harrowing months in this world, Miges brother worked for the finnish state and he had come across an interesting file one day which he passed onto Mige who informed Ville. It seemed Adams adoptive parents despite his illness and its resulting ailments, cared deeply for him. Deeply enough to pay to have his history buried and buried deeply , Infact they may even have paid to have some files destroyed, leaving a lot of holes which needed filled in .

 

Adam, having suffered severely due to his pre mature birth and hours in the freezing cold wouldn’t speak. Doctors discovered later that Adam had autism (which may or may not have been a result of the drugs he was given as a baby), his heart was also on the wrong side of his body and he had breathing difficulties. It was theorized that Adam could hear fine and that he could speak very well, but just wouldn’t , the only explanation for his silence was his condition. However he was musical and could sing…

 

Whilst in there mothers womb, he and Kimi had suffered a condition called twin to twin transfusion syndrome, kimi was surrounded by to much fluid and Adam had almost none and had been suffocating causing his birth weight to be much less than kimis, he had been weaker and not properly formed which meant he had undergone extensive invasive surgeries.

 

Seeing the now perfectly normal looking young man, Ville found it hard to believe he could be plagued by such ailments. He was tall, quite a bit taller than Kimi and well built. His dress sense was reminiscent of Lauris , everything was black and he was even sporting some not so subtle black eyeliner. Ville smirked, it seemed the whole rock star look did run in the family.

 

Adam was sitting on the front step of the house, staring blankly out into the street. He seemed distant. Ville could never imagine a life in which he wasn’t able to communicate via speech; Adams world must be very different.

 

Ville wondered if Adam was aware he was adopted. Did he know where he came from? Ville was ready to leave, content that he had seen the boy and that he was healthy and appeared to have a good life. But something stopped him in his tracks , his phone bussed he ignored it and he looked back over his shoulder, Adam was looking directly at him. There was no sign of recognition on his face; his stare was cold like Kimi’s. They locked eyes for longer than is socially acceptable then Adam stood and walked the garden path to the road , took one last glance at Ville and walked in the opposite direction out of the neighborhood towards the main road.

 

Instinctually Ville followed him. He checked his phone as he walked, it was Sebastian –

 

_What the hell is going on! CALL ME NOW._

Ville smirked and ignored it.

 

The week had passed all to quickly for Nico. Before he knew it, it was time to send Tuukka off home to Niki and James. As odd as it may have seemed, it felt like Kimi and he had finally settled down and started a family, Tuukka seemed to fit.

 

Nico would feed him during the night and comfort him back to sleep. Kimi would rise with him in the mornings. Nico would make breakfast whilst Kimi played with him on the floor. They’d take him in the car to the beach, or the park or push him around in his stroller through the countryside. Having no biological connection to child didn’t phase Nico , he had bonded almost instantly with the little boy and hadn’t felt so content in years. When goodbye came, he suddenly found himself in floods of tears. Kimi held him close whilst Tuukka looked up at him from his baby carrier with his little eyes full of questioning. To Nico it felt like kimi was taking their ‘son’ away from him, it all felt so strange…

 

“Its ok, shh. Hey you’ll see him again. I plan to have him here a lot. Don’t cry Nico.”

 

Nico buried his face into the crook of Kimis neck and inhaled. Everything was a huge mess; this was the life he wanted, the life he dreamed of. But he didn’t deserve this, kimi had suddenly come back to him with this little miracle that could repair their relationship and give them a future and a purpose together. Nico had spoiled it for himself, Kimi could never know and may never find out but deep inside the guilt would eat away at Nico but he could never confess, never.

 

So Nico kissed the baby goodbye and waved them off as Kimi drove to the airport taking Tuukka back to Finland and his grandparents. Nico had already decided he wanted the child. And Nico had always had a way to manipulate situations to suit him, he was selfish but now his selfishness may just prove useful to both him and Kimi. They needed Tuukka, Nico finally thought he had found the answer to all there problems.

 

Ville kept a safe distance but remained close enough to keep Adam in sight. He followed the young man to the town center where in the sea of people he lost sight of him. Ville tried to re spot Adam for several minutes before giving up and walking back the way he came, with his head down and a pair of shades to keep the light from irritating his eyes he failed to see someone pass him sliding there foot slightly out on front of them as they passed and tripping him.

 

He turned ready for conflict with whatever asshole tried to trip him up and was met with Lauri’s fierce green eyes but on a different face. Adam was staring him down, daring him to explain himself and why he was following him.

 

Ville had no idea how to engage the young man. He didn’t know how Adam commutated…if at all .

 

Without breaking eye contact Adam passed Ville some kind of device which looked like a smartphone. Ville looked at the screen which read.

 

“Why are you following me?” Ville smiled up at Adam , who now looked less cold and a little un easy . Ville decided it was better to lie. After all he really had no business being there stalking this kid.

 

“I thought you where someone I knew. Sorry, case of mistaken identity.” Ville was shocked to see that the young man actually looked disappointed. Ville handed back the device and watched as he quickly typed another message then handed it back again.

 

“I don’t believe you. You seem like you know me,,, its obvious” Ville swallowed, what was he supposed to say? He changed his mind; the truth might be a better option …although not the whole truth.

 

“..yes I know you. We’ve never met, I was just checking in to see how you are. You seem fine. Maybe we should leave it at that, things get more complicated if I say anymore.”

 

Adam wrote another message..

 

“un complicate it then” it was clear to vile Adam was intelligent…and stubborn , very much like his brother . Ville just hoped he didn’t have Kimi’s temper.

 

“I…I’m not sure now’s the right time to have this discussion with you. And its not the right place. Anything I’d say you wouldn’t believe anyway, like I said its best we leave it. I’m sorry I bothered you, truly I just was checking how you are” it must all sound very suspicious and creepy to Adam. Ville suspected he might be more than a little freaked out. A little reassurance might be needed.

 

“I wont be hanging around or anything so don’t worry. I’m not stalking you or anything like that”

 

Adam kept looking at him searching his eyes for something. He wrote another message.

 

“Answer me one thing” Ville nodded slowly ,

 

“I’m adopted. .. Do you know who I was ? Is that why you are looking for me?”

 

So Adam knew. But how much did he know?. There was little to no way he knew about Kimi or his parents or even the circumstances of his birth. Maybe he wanted to know…

 

Ville nodded again. Adams eyes went wide with shock them filled with delight.

 

“No one else can help me…Can you? Is that why you came?” No that’s not why he had come, but he couldn’t deny that he felt obliged to speak to Adam more and give him some answers.

 

“We should have this discussion somewhere else. You know your way around , where’s good for a few beers round here?” Adam smirked and gestured for Ville to follow him.

 

Ville was intrigued; deep inside he knew why he had sought out Adam. This was perfect almost to perfect, Kimi would have his very own biological brother, and Ville could get Lauri possibly all to himself . If things went well, he could make sure Lauri and him where a family again and put Kimi back in his rightful place as just another ‘cousin’. Adam felt almost like a gift to Ville. Ville would need a little extra assistance in getting rid of the iceman however , he would need a certain little German friend


	156. Soaked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi and Nico are having the time of there lives , Nico thinks now is a good time to erase somethings but kImi will never ever let go of his family no matter how much Nico tries to distance him from them.

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/tumblr_nar9ucbF5k1srpsueo4_1280.jpg.html)

Nico was exhausted, he had entered the house and put the coffee machine on but somehow managed to fall asleep on the coach waiting for the coffee to brew. Kimi had a race the previous weekend and all had gone well at least he had finished in the points. He was due home nay moment and Nico had wanted to sit him down with some coffee give him a massage and relax him.

 

When kimi arrived home juggling a backpack, suitcase and the baby carrier he just managed to shuffle his keys out from his pockets and nudge the door open enough to get inside he didn’t want to call Nico for help as he wanted to surprise him. Once he got in he dropped the bag left the suitcase and had to place Tuukka against the door as he rushed to the coffee maker to stop the violent steam rising from it. Kimi glanced round and saw Nico flat out asleep on the coach he rolled his eyes and smiled.

 

He Pulled Tuukka out of his chair, the baby was almost 9 months now and was finding his feet , his little chubby legs kicked out as he wriggled against Kimi almost demanding to be put down but kimi held him strongly against him and walked over to Nico

 

“wake up Nico” kimi told him in Finnish and placed the baby on Nico’s chest, Tuukka squalled in delight and pated nicos face with his little chubby hands trying to fit his fingers into nicos mouth. Nicos eyes snapped open and he was met with a round smiley face with messed brownish black hair and a brilliant pair of vibrant green eyed. The smile that crossed Nico’s face melted kimis heart.

 

“there’s my baby boy” Nico cooed , Tuukka laughed and clapped Nico clasped him under his arms and held him high above him Tuukka outstretched his arms and made plane noises . Kimi pretended to frown

 

“hey!! Ganpa niki flies planes we drive cars young man!” Tuukka ignored him and flapped his arms kicking out his legs .

 

“Uncle kimi is a prude!” Nico exclaimed bringing Tuukka back down to his chest and squeezing him as he struggled to get away.

 

Nico suddenly smelt something odd he sniffed Tuukka’s neck and back making him giggle then pulled away making a face.

 

“smells like uncle kimi stopped by the garage at some point to show you off, you smell like petrol!” Kimi went a little red at that.

 

“yeah well….James and I may have taken him over to  McClaren head quarters before I caught a flight home…no time to change him”

 

Nico smiled “that’s ok means we can enjoy some bath time! You love bath time with me don’t you!” Tuukka erupted into barbled noises of excitement and repeated “bath” over and over.

 

Nico got up and held Tuukka close staring lovingly at him. Without taking his eyes off the baby he asked

 

“How long this time? Before he must leave again?”

 

Kimi felt oddly guilty every single time Nico asked that question. It seemed like every time Tuukka had to go home he was taking Nico’s happiness away , snatching his baby from his arms and taking him to strangers. When in fact James and Niki where his guardians , Kimi was simply and uncle and Nico was…nothing to him. Kimi had managed to do the impossible this time , he managed to get Niki and James to agree to two weeks instead of the normal 4 days or 1 week, Kimi hoped that would make Nico happy. That also meant Nico had the baby all to himself during race weekend…Niki wasn’t happy but Kimi had pleaded.

 

“Well…..I spoke to Niki and James and…he has to go home…. In two weeks!” Nico turned quickly and there eyes met , it seemed like he was trying to tell whether or not kimi was pulling a prank on him. Then he grinned madly and bounced the baby up and down in his arms.

 

“yay! Tuuki you get two whole weeks with uncle kimi and me!!!”  Kimi watched delighted as Nico practically bounced to the bathroom.

 

Moments later Kimi’s phone buzzed , snapping him out of his little haze the number appeared but with no name …kimi frowned his first instinct was to ignore it . He didn’t answer unidentifiable numbers only people he knew well should have his personal mobile number. However he kept thinking maybe, just maybe it would be Lauri. Kimi turned towards the shelves where he kept his photographs on display …there should have been an few every special images of Lauri there and some pictures of them together…they where all missing .

 

Kimi placed his phone on the kitchen counter and walked over to the shelves ..all the photos of Lauri where gone. Kimi didn’t understand …he hadn’t taken them down…he walked of to the bedroom where there was more photos of them together by his bed side. They to where no longer there.

 

Kimi was more than puzzled, it didn’t even cross his mind what might have happened …

 

In his confusion he knocked on the bathroom door , giggling and splashing could be heard coming from inside.

 

“Come in uncle kimi!!” Nico called out in a sing song voice. Kimi laughed to himself and as he entered was met with a scene of mass bubble explosions. Bubble bath had gone everywhere and Nico was knelt beside the bath soaked from head to toe as Tuukka splashed furiously chucking toy cars and rubber planes around in the water. Kimi looked around wide eyes and Nico burst into fits of laughter.

 

“You can laugh! youll be the one cleaning it all after wards!”

 

“Yes, yes, ok grumpy” kimi couldn’t get over how much of  a big kid Nico became when Tuukka was around, the years seemed to fall away from him and he was that innocent little boy again the one who had fallen through the ice many years ago…the pictures momentarily forgotten , the sudden memory shocked kimi silent and suddenly he looked deeply saddened.

 

“kimi?” Nico asked concerned “sorry about the mess…ill clear it up”

Kimi smiled again and shook his head “its not that…I just…remembered something…I know this will sound strange. But I never did say sorry to you for that day, back at the lake. I’m so sorry I made you follow me out onto the ice , it was all my fault” kimi hung his head , Tuukka had suddenly stopped splashing and was looking at his uncle concerned .

 

“kimpa??” the baby cooed , Nico was stunned. Of all the things kimi could have said he was not expecting that. Nico got off his knees and approached kimi in the door way , he was dripping wet and brought his hands to kimis face tilting his head up and looking at him directly in the eyes.

 

“Kimi I forgave you long ago. Forget that, put it out of your head . Pretend it was all just a bad dream. That’s what I do. Look at us now , look at him. We have all this, we made it. We made it kimi, the ice cracked and instead of sinking we chose to swim we could pretend all of it was a bad dream if we wanted to.”

 

Kimi’s eyes watered but he held back the tears, he didn’t want Tuukka to see him cry , he nodded and kissed Nico passionately. Tuukka watched them both with interest then proceeded to start splashing again deciding he was more important and needed everyone’s attention.

 

Kimi left the bathroom soaked and needed to change. Eventually Nico had wrestled the over excited toddler out of the bath dried him and changed him into fresh clothes, he sat him in his baby chair and strapped him in placing an assortment of fruits on front of him to keep him occupied and scuttled of to fix the bathroom.

 

Kimi chatted to Tuukka then remembered the photographs and called to Nico.

 

“Nico? Babe …where did all my pictures go?” Nico called back from the bathroom

 

“What pictures?”

 

“The ones of me and…” kimi hesitated to say the name on front of Tuukka lauri’s name was pretty much a bad word now “of me and…. my brother”

 

There was silence and kimi thought Nico hadn’t heard him. A few minutes passed and Nico emerged from the bathroom looking very guilty . He walked over and played with tuukkas hair avoiding eye contact with kimi.

 

“I um…I put them away…the photos of him. I just thought maybe  Tuukka might start asking who he was , or that maybe it would be painful for you to have to look at those pictures after what ..lau…I mean he did”

 

It took a moment for kimi to register what he had just been told. Nico took down the pictures of ‘his’ brother? In ‘his’ own house? If the baby hadn’t been between them kimi was pretty sure he would have slapped Nico hard. How dare he…what right did he think he had to make that decision. Kimi found it remarkable how Nico always somehow managed to spoil everything

 

“Listen and listen good. You find them and put them all back exactly where they where and ill say no more about it. Don’t even try and argue with me Nico , who the hell do you think you are doing something like that?”

 

There was anger in kimis voice and Nico knew better now than to make a fuss.

 

“Sorry” he said simply and kimi stormed past him into the bedroom closing the door. Nico sighed at least there hadn’t been a massive fall out, Tuukka was quiet suddenly and started mashing some banana in his hands , he seemed unsettled eventually he started rubbing his eyes and yawning.

 

“Hey tired boy, time for bed you’ve had a very very long day” Nico gently unstrapped Tuukka and pulled him up into his arms cradling him against his chest Tuukka rested his head on his shoulder and mouthed his fingers for comfort. Niki and James didn’t allow a pacifier as they thought it would ruin his teeth so Tuukka had taken to sucking his finger instead, which was so adorable it made Nico melt.

 

With Tuukka tucked safely into into his travel cot in the living room Nico retrieved the box he had locked lauri away in. Hoping to get rid of him, once and for all. With a deep breath he opened it and started placing the photos back. Every time he had to glance at lauris face he felt anxious and a pang of jealousy struck his heart. And every time he looked for longer than a few seconds he saw Tuukka, unfortunately the baby was his fathers spitting image and Nico saw lauri in his eyes. Nico almost felt guilty for hating lauri so much because he adored his son , he loved Tuukka and he wanted to keep him and raise him as his own but he feared what he might see looking back at him every time he looked into those eyes.

 

With Tuukka sound asleep Nico approached the bedroom, kimi was cross legged on the bed the light of his laptop screen illuminating his face Nico walked over and placed the two photos that been on his bedside table into his lap and walked back out again.

 

Kimi glanced down and smiled sadly, these where his best memories of lauri. He placed the photos back by his bedside where they belonged .

 

“I miss you” he whispered “Im taking care of him for you. Im doing my best for him, hes the best thing you ever gave us. Because I have him I know that in some way your still here with me”

 

Suddenly the house phone rang, there was two, one in the living room and one by the bedside . Kimi grabbed it quickly hoping the one in the living room hadn’t woken Tuukka.

 

“Moi?” he answered.

 

“Moi, Kimi..it’s Sebastian” Kimis mouth fell open slightly in shock.


	157. In joy and sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just what is Ville playing at? What has happened the ill fated american tour of the Rasmus and what has any of this go to do with Sebastian?

[ ](http://s30.photobucket.com/user/rose_18/media/bb79a0d3-4726-4ec0-a4cb-a56c507ea5bf.png.html)

 

Kimi didn’t know why but his stomach fluttered a little.

 

“hey..uhm where..uh..how are you?” Sebastian’s soft laughter could be heard from down the line making Kimi smile to himself.

 

“Hey yourself, I’m in Germany ill be racing you soon! I am replacing one of the drivers for the next GP! Get ready for some new blood old man! And …I’m ok. How are you? It’s been forever! you’re an uncle now! that’s cool! I cannot imagine you with a baby…seems so strange to think of that! Not that I mean you’d be bad at it …not at all! Eh…hmmm ok ill shut up now…”

 

Kimi grinned madly Sebastian never changed; still a ranting over excited kid.it was so refreshing to hear his voice somehow. But if Seb really wanted to know how Kimi was then honesty might not be the best policy…Still Kimi couldn’t help himself . Nico didn’t understand and his parents where to close to the situation for him to unburden himself upon them

 

“Yes im an uncle …and I think im ok at it…you should ask him though! Haha. I look foreword to beating you then if we will be racing! Im not so ok , just..tired alot and …stuff. I …well ” his voice cracked a little as he looked at the pictures on his bedside cabinet. “My brother left again…this time I don’t think hes coming home”

 

Sebastian knew instinctively that kimi wanted to elaborate on the word ‘stuff’ but didn’t know if he should pry any further into it. This was there first contact in a long time and he didn’t want to push the wrong buttons. Also he eventually needed to tell kimi that there had been some new developments concerning his family tree…first Seb needed to go to America for a few days to see exactly what was going on. He felt confident enough however to make a little comment on the Lauri situation, he hoped kimi would take his words in good faith..

 

“Lauri will come home, you know he will …he loves you to much to stay away forever. Maybe he just needs some time, he went through a lot didn’t he? Uhm well…yes I wouldn’t be to hopeful if I was you about beating me! I think I can win! But hey listen…let me give you my number and we should maybe meet ..for drinks and you know …whatever . Id love to meet your nephew if that would be ok with you?”

 

Kimi shuffled in his bedside drawer and got a note pad and paper

 

“ok go” as usual kimi neglected to elaborate on what he meant by that short statement assuming Sebastian magically could see him and knew he was prepared to write down the number. Luckily for kimi Sebastian was a lot more adapted to his cryptic ways than Nico.

 

“hahaha ok my number is..” Sebastian rhymed off the German number and the country code and also gave kimi his address just incase kimi fancied a vacation or was in town at some point. They said their good byes and promised to meet.

 

Kimi made a conscious decision not to tell Nico.

 

As seb came off the phone smiling to himself like a love drunk teenager valtteri watched from the doorway a dark expression on his face. Sebastian didn’t notice.

 

The tour bus hit a pothole and jerked violently. Lauri woke with a start and shot up in his bunk slamming his head into the roof of the bunk above his own and yelped in pain. The bus shuddered to a halt. Aki hopped out of his bunk into the aisle and threw the curtain open revealing lauri massaging his head and groaning. Concerned aki slid in next to him and gently pulled his hands from his face . His forehead had already started to bruise and there was tiny cuts above his right eye.

 

Eero appeared and looked in on them

 

“…that looks sore” Lauri shot him a look that would sink ships.

 

“thanx for stating the obvious moron” Eero held his hands up in surrender he knew when lauri was in a pissy mood and he knew when to back off.

 

The driver informed them the bus had a puncture and they needed to wait for a new tire. Luckily they where less than a mile from a gas station somewhere along route 66. The temperature was rising fast, the humidity made them all sweaty and uncomfortable and Pauli was starting to stink due to his love of weed and neglect to use the shower.  They may all be able to use the hose at the gas station to cool off…

 

This wasn’t the touring lifestyle Lauri was used to …Europe had so much better facilities . He felt disgusting and he was sure he must look awful added to that was the very obvious wound of his forehead. The driver had to wait with the bus and so the four of them set out to walk to the gas station.

 

Pauli Eero and aki started laughing animatedly, Lauri hung back he had no idea what they where talking about and he didn’t care. He felt strangely empty and like he was just set on autopilot , each step programmed by some kind of inner coding which had eliminated his ability to feel but allowed him to continue functioning.

 

They walked and walked with no sign of a gas station. In fact there was no sign of anything. They where all exhausted and no one had brought supplies, after all less than a mile wasn’t that far to walk. By now Pauli was convinced they had walked far more that a mile.

 

Pauli urged them to turn back and theorized that they had walked in the wrong direction. Everything went silent suddenly as they as attempted to summon the strength to keep walking, lauri who had been behind was now on front as they had turned to change direction. He didn’t see Aki fall but he heard Eero cry out.

 

Lauri turned sweat running into his eyes clouding his vision making everything seem fuzzy. He could make out Eero and Pauli kneeling, someone lay flat out on the road. Lauris mind took a moment to register. Aki had collapsed.

 

Ville sat opposite Adam neither looking at one another both staring into there beers. It wasn’t uncomfortable, after all ville was Finnish and strangers didn’t do small talk, but he was oddly aware that Americas where different and he wondered if Adam was uncomfortable …then again Adam had autism and ville knew nothing about that and had no idea how to approach this.

 

Ville had to say something after all he had initiated this odd meeting

“So uhm well I suppose we should introduce ourselves . Im Ville...”

 

Adam looked up when ville spoke but averted his eyes again quickly. He didn’t reply.

 

“Well …ok so lets not mess around then . I uh…a friend of mine has some connections with the Finnish government and he stumbled across your file. We are…well me and you are…cousins I guess”

 

Suddenly ville had Adams undivided attention.

 

“so ….well I suppose the most important thing you’d wanna know is where your parents are..”

 

ville didn’t know how in the world he was supposed to break it to this boy that his real parents where dead. That’s not just something you tell a stranger in a bar on your first meeting, but he had started now and it seemed like he had no choice but to finish. He could no longer look at Adam , the young mans eyes seemed to burn him. He must have so many questions …but in the end so did kimi and lauri and ville always seemed to feel the weight of there eyes on him like he was the only one with any answers.

 

“Did your parents tell you anything? Anything at all about where your from or who you where? What happened…”

 

Adam seemed to grow increasingly uncomfortable; he fidgeted and wouldn’t make direct eye contact anymore instead staring somewhere passed villes shoulder. This was so hard for him, no one seemed to realize just how difficult it was . The whole room was filled with sensory overload everything sounded a million times louder his eyes caught every little movement or flicker and he could smell the combinations of alcohol and mens cologne and sweat and cigarette smoke. He was trying so hard to concentrate but he was anxious and he didn’t do well in the company of strangers.

 

Ville watched unable to decipher what was going on with his young companion.

 

Ville decided just to say it. It was better just to get things over with .

 

“Your parents are dead Adam…I’m sorry”

 

That was all it took for everything to suddenly stop spinning in Adams head , he finally looked ville in the eye. Ville had never seen heartbreak before and as cold and calculating as he was …he never expected to shatter someone’s world with so few words and then to feel himself crushed under there pain.

 

Adam stood and walked out. Villes heart thumped in his chest. That had not gone how he had planned it. He stood and raced after Adam he had to selvedge this . He had to give the kid something positive to hold onto.

 

“Adam wait !” ville jogged after Adam he placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him and Adam looked away.

 

“I’m sorry “ he repeated like that would somehow make everything alright .

 

“You have a brother” Adam looked at him again and ville saw something else …hope.

 

James sat in his usual chair flicking through the tv channels Niki emerged from his study looking exhausted and somewhat depressed. James turned to him concerned.

 

“Sit down niki, all this work is wearing you out. You need a rest” Niki shrugged dismissing the comment.

 

“I’m thinking of selling the airline. My heart isn’t in this anymore James and I’m to old for all this business stuff now” James smiled at that , he had been suggesting it for years but as usual Niki had to come to that conclusion himself , he certainly wasn’t going to listen to anything James said on the matter.

 

Niki really did seem depressed though; James stood and took him in his arms.

 

“Hey, what’s wrong?. I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong”

 

Niki sighed heavily.

 

“I’m tired james’ he muttered into his shoulder.

 

“Im old and I’m tired and I just want some peace. I want my family back” James knew the feeling , he knew it all to well. He held Niki close and Niki held him back. After so many years and so much heart ache there love still endured.

 

The phone rang and Niki sighed disappointed and pulled away .

 

“Can you get that?” James ran a hand down his face gently kissed him and nodded.

 

“sit down Niki please, just for ten minutes . Relax your making me worry!” Niki rolled his eyes and did as he was told listening in as James answered the phone in his usual courteous posh English greeting

 

“Hunt Lauda residence”

 

“James?” it was Seb

 

“ow hey Sebastian!! How are you did you get through to kimi ok?” Niki stood again and walked over interested.

 

“yes uh thanx …actually im in the states just now…I was driving and came across the band there was an issue with there tour bus . Anyway they went walking and aki …well aki collapsed exhausted. he’s in hospital now. I just wanted to let you know”

 

Suddenly the color drained from James face and Niki grew alarmed.

 

“James? What’s wrong? Is it kimi? Is Tuukka ok? James!”

 

James swallowed and held the receiver away from his ear.

 

“Its aki…he’s in hospital, he collapsed…”

 


End file.
